Can't Handle This
by LazyFae
Summary: "A lot of people would probably be thrilled to get a second chance. I wasn't one of them. I didn't want an entire second go at f**king up. I had died and that was supposed to be that." With a girl and a man barely convinced to give the new Hatake family a try in the wake of their painful pasts, they could be each others' final nail, or salvation. (OCish SI) (Not Kashi/SI)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

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 **IMPORTANT AND ONLY WARNING:**

This is not going to be an extremely dark story but nor is it all light hearted and fluffy. I have little to no clue where this is going to go yet and thus can't say for certain what it'll contain.

I will say this: If it can be perceived for a person to do something/have something happen to them it may well be in this story

 **This may or may not include:** **Pairings of all genders and ages. Non consensual and dubious consensual content. Violence. Abuse. Character deaths. Angst. Plot holes.** **discrimination and prejudice. excessive fluffiness and icky romance. Much more.**

That's not to say it will definitely have all this in it, however I'm not too interested in skipping or brushing over something because it's uncomfortable if it's relevant to the plot. If it's included I will try to do the topic genuine credit and treat it with the seriousness it deserves as long as it's not a parody/comedy or a character being politically incorrect.

 **The plot and characters do not necessarily reflect my own views** and so if you are horribly offended by what's coming out a characters mouth/mind or their actions, that's fine.

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Okay, obligatory warning I'll probably end up using for all stories posted on this site over, a bit about what you can expect from me:

1\. Super long notes at the start of chapters attempting to address complaints or concerns before they're thought of.

2\. Yes, this is one of those dreaded SI stories I've read so many complaints about. A bit about that though - I seem to have had the incredible luck to have never come across a shitty SI story, and as such I've only read good ones and they have resultingly become some of my favourite types of fanfics.

3\. There will be no Mary Sues in this story. Ever. This isn't even really me because I've changed significant aspects of her past, added in opinions/beliefs/habits and removed others, now this is more like a distorted mirror of a character, in order not to share too much info about myself.

4\. This is not a serious fic for me and I won't dedicate a lot of time to making it high quality, because it's actually here to serve as me offloading emotional and creative baggage that's distracting me. It'll likely read more as a rambling stream of consciousness with little editing.

5\. Naruto is an incredibly action packed universe. This will not be an action packed fic. I really like the Naruto characters and they're fun to play around with in terms of character development and emotional reasoning. That's what my focus will be- particularly Kakashi with the added responsibility of single fatherhood.

6\. This is going to be an incredibly self indulgent fic that is basically me working through my shit a little, and grieving my dad a little, and exploring this SI writing a little.

7\. My main character may not be likeable. That's because I'm not necessarily likeable to everyone, especially to someone who had fairly unfiltered access to my thoughts in a traumatic, stressful situation like this, which I genuinely think would bring out some of my worst characteristics; I'm selfish, sometimes incredibly cold and apathetic, I self analyse way too much, I'm incredibly prone to depression, I'm needy but also distant, I can be thoughtless and manipulative. Probably more.

8\. This will be a slow moving fic, so don't expect growing up and kicking into action quickly. This is more of a **Bildungsroman** than anything else. I highly suggest you look that up if you don't know what it means so you have an idea of the sort of slow moving up close character inspection you'll be getting. It's not about the action or thick plot (there will be some but not for a while), it's about the internal journey, and maturation.

9\. That's it for now but I'm sure I'll find more to say next time.

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 **Chapter 1 - Realising Reality**

I slept. I dreamt lucid dreams, like always. Something was settled in the back of my mind that I couldn't quite remember. Something important but not urgent, and so I left it for now.

I sank into the depths of my dreams and lost myself in the usual joyful insanity that they tended to contain. My dreams were always epic adventures that played out like a story from close to the beginning til the end. I could always tell when I was dreaming, because although I was myself, a character holding the greatest portion of my consciousness, I was also the other people, and the floor under my feet, and the walls of the buildings and the sky above me. All it took to control what was going on around me was to stretch my consciousness more into the thing I wanted to direct, a bit like having to focus more in order to practice moving a muscle that got used far less than others.

Occasionally that greater important knowledge in the back of my mind would return to my awareness, but stayed just out of reach. It never became urgent to me though, and so I was unbothered by it's elusive nature. For a long time I was content, barely noticing when my dreams gained greater clarity and depth, gradually reaching something close to what they had been before... before what?

I hadn't noticed they'd been different in any way until they were nearly the same again. This almost bothered me, but my dreams didn't wait for me and the adventure continued forward, sweeping me away again.

I almost pondered on the strangely prolonged nature of my sleep, but chose instead to sink even further into the eagerly awaiting, clutching arms of my mind.

On the edges of my thoughts I noticed after a while, that something wasn't quite right anymore. I was... cold. That was strange. I hadn't even realised I was so warm and comfortable until I wasn't anymore. There were vague sounds and the odd application of pressure over various areas of my body, but I was too quick to fall back into deep sleep to think more upon it.

It seemed like moments and an age later that the presence of a breeze made itself known to me, with the sense that it had been brushing across my face and the tops of my shoulders for a little while, and I had only just become cognisant enough to identify it.

Slowly, sluggishly, reluctantly, the clinging and comforting tendrils of my dream released me and rescinded back into the depths of my mind. Even before I considered opening my eyes, the knowing that had plagued me, but refused to become more solid than that during my sleep, dragged itself to the front of my thoughts.

I hadn't ever expected to wake up. My subconscious mind had been under the assumption that that was suppose to be the final sleep. Even having mostly reached consciousness, that certainty didn't dissipate; I was not supposed to have a body in order to feel a breeze and I was definitely not supposed to wake up.

Because... I was dead. Right? That felt right. I had died. And that wasn't the part that shocked or upset or discomfited me. No, I was pretty at peace with my demise. What I was not okay about, was that taking stock of my body ( _not mine somethings wrong here doesn't feel right_ ), it was pretty fucking apparent that I was showing all the signs of being alive.

My immediate thought was that I was in the hospital and my life had somehow been saved. Except that just sat wrong with me in a way I couldn't explain. Most of the time I wouldn't make big jumps or dismiss conclusions without solid proof, but very occasionally my intuition blared so strongly, and although it didn't make any logical sense to me, I always listened to it.

I knew I had died successfully. So where the fuck was I? The thought was edged in a hint of hysteria, and so I carefully took a few deep breaths in order to calm myself down ( _somethings not right with my body why are my lungs so small why are my breaths so shallow_ ) and considered the idea that this was the afterlife.

Heaven and Hell flashed through my mind for a few seconds before I easily dismissed them. I didn't entirely disbelieve in Heaven, or at least some form of it, but I firmly didn't believe in Hell. If my entire life had taught me one thing, it was that there was no universal right and wrong that could possibly be used since the beginning of humanity to judge each individual fairly.

What about other religions? To be honest, I wasn't very familiar with the differences in the various monotheistic religions ( _keep thinking keep thinking anything to distract me don't think about everything that's not right with this wrongwrong body_ ).

I had never been particularly religious. I'd had a few brief bouts in which I'd reached out to religion in my desperate need for answers about the Great Questions of Life, all those Whys and What's the Points. Unfortunately the answers religion had given me had never been to a degree that satisfied me, and so I'd quickly lost interest.

So no, I wouldn't stretch what I was experiencing to try and fit those conclusions conveniently available to me without further thought.

But what about non monotheistic religion? I was a little bit familiar with Hinduism, and most familiar with Buddhism. There were others out there that I knew next to nothing about; Confucianism for example.

The only issue with Hinduism and Buddhism, was that I was fairly sure I hadn't been a particularly selfless person. In terms of Hinduism, as far as I understood- which wasn't very far to be honest- there was a level of accepting the sins and rewards of one's past life by accepting the position one had been born into in the present life. As for Buddhism -the religion I most connected with for all that I was still embarrassingly uninformed about it all- well... let's just say I wouldn't consider myself particularly enlightened, nor had I lived a life full of forgiveness, inner peace, selflessness, altruism and minimalism.

So basically, according to most religions I was familiar with, I should be pretty fucked.

Perhaps I had just gone insane. That could be a preferable option; I was in a sort of Matrix of my own creation.

Except if that was the case how would I go about proving it and then escaping what was essentially a false reality created by my own mind? Would I even want to? Any escape I did or didn't make ran the risk of just being a further creation of my mind. I'd go about trying to figure out if there was another level of escape to make, wondering if almost my entire existence was a complete fabrication. Did I want to add that burden to my psyche? That would lead to some Inception style shit right there, and I would likely go insane if I wasn't already, constantly doubting my reality like that.

Plus to be completely real, I'd be that safe boring asshole who took the blue pill, because to hell with giving up my creature comforts in order to live in threadbare clothing and fight for humanity, when I didn't particularly give a damn about humanity as a whole in the first place.

And that right there was another classic example of me not being selfless. Maybe I had been shoved into the body of an animal. That could explain why my body felt off ( _tiny weak wrong_ ). I read a book once about a girl who's life had been saved after a car crash by having her mind implanted into a female monkey. I remember it because there had been implied monkey sex between her and a male monkey to produce little baby monkeys which had sort of scandalised me (not really I was super entertained and found it hilarious) at the time.

There was a massive environmentalism message in there too, but it had mostly been usurped by the monkey sex.

So that was a 'no, I can't bear to contemplate that being my truth or I'll go fucking nuts' on me having created my own Matrix to live happily and madly inside, until my real body died. At least not unless I began finding obvious glitches to exploit.

I wasn't dismissing reincarnation as of yet, even though it seemed pretty damn unlikely considering I was still, well, me - you know, memories and flaws and all, rather than an innocent drooling poop machine baby.

So that just left some of the more out there things, such as perhaps accidentally having had my soul (did they exist? I'd never really believed in them) kick someone or something else's soul out of their body and take up squatting, or perhaps flat sharing if we were both still here. Some scientific experiment messing with shit that probably shouldn't be messed with, and I was just the unlucky bitch that got the short end of the stick was also a possibility.

But really, I wouldn't know anything more without doing the one thing that frankly I had been avoiding even thinking about, with my mental rambling; opening my eyes. I was like that child that was convinced if they couldn't see others, others couldn't see them- yeah I was shitting my pants scared and refusing to admit it to myself.

My ( _tiny too fast too fragile whats wrong with it_ ) heart was pounding fairly heavily as I psyched myself up to lift my eyelids and get a good look at my reality. I sucked in a deep ( _not deep enough)_ breath, released it slowly to calm my heart, and opened me eyes.

The first thing I saw was a blurry swathe of white directly above me, too far away to tell what it was. Well, at least that firmly axed any chances of non existent Hell, from what I could tell.

My eyes roved the expanse of white, hoping to spot any flaws or distinct markings, so that I could get a better idea of what I was looking at. Unfortunately my eyes wouldn't focus enough to make anything further out.

My attempt at turning my head to the side after that was jerky and difficult, and that was when I realised what had been quietly ( _not so quietly_ ) freaking me out in the back of my mind. This fucking body I was in a was small piece of crap that wouldn't do anything I told it to do.

Holy Hell, was I in a severely disabled person's body or something? The sheer frustration I felt at trying to yank my clunky, fleshy feeling limbs one way or another overrode my fear, as I allowed anger to take precedence (not really I was still terrified, I just focussed on my rage).

What was going on with this stupid fucking body?! The eyes were piss poor, the limbs were useless sacks of over-sensitive garbage, my head was the fucking same ( _oh god oh god oh god what if I'm stuck like this. Helpless vulnerable stuck stuck get me out_ ). I let out an involuntary noise of frustration and suddenly froze ( _what if I'm in a hostile environment better keep quiet don't catch attention_ ).

Was that _my_ voice? Seriously, what was _that_. It was like some squishy squealing high pitched... thing. Before attempting to make another noise, I surreptitiously ( _obviously jerkily uselessly_ ) scanned my ( _blurry fuzzy incomprehensible_ ) surroundings for any sign of someone else in the room (was it a room?) I was in. When I didn't spot anyone, I parted my lips and attempted to say the first thing that came to mind; wubba lubba dub dub.

Unfortunately it came out more like "Uah ah ah oh oh." Except even more incomprehensible, and definitely in babyish tones. ( _Oh God Oh God Oh God please no please no don't be what I think this is no no_ ).

Before I could think more on that a dark blur suddenly made itself known to me, giving me a fright. My face crumpled slightly in displeasure, but fear and curiosity quickly overtook as they warred with each other.

If I was part of some sick experiment this was probably Not Good. However, if not, this was a chance for some answers.

I intently eyed the blur above me, trying to discern anything from it that might give me some clues. It stayed forebodingly silent, looming over me unnervingly.

My face crumpled once more, and I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. Alarmed, I attempted to suppress the building cries, however they forcefully made their way up my throat and out of my mouth.

It upset and bewildered me, being so out of control over something so simple as noisy cries. I had assumed that because I still had my mature mind (how did that work anyways), I would be able to stop myself from crying. Unfortunately my wails seemed to be as involuntary as most things were for a baby (if that was what I was).

The only bright side was that, for a babes cries, I was surprisingly quiet. Well, that and the dark scary blur moved back away from my sight.

It was pretty evident from the slightly hideous noises I was making and the lack of tears coming from my eyes, that I was either stuck in the body of a child likely less than four months old, or some other sort of small being with limbs and a mouth capable of noise.

I didn't know which I would prefer less.

Eventually my cries wound down, just as sounds somewhere in the direction of my feet warned me of someone (something?) approaching. At least my ears were working fairly well. Another blur appeared over me, this time a lighter one, making cooing noises and reaching for me.

As it got closer, it's arms came into focus (human looking, that was a good sign), and wrapped around me gently. Besides it's criminally cold hands, it was surprisingly gentle. As I was lifted upwards and into a cradled hold, I recognised the person holding me as a woman, wearing what I could only guess to be hospital scrubs.

I suddenly realised, in a moment of clarity, that I was a ( _Oh fuckfuckfuckfuck_ ) baby in a hospital, being spoken to by a doctor or nurse, in an oriental sounding language I didn't understand at all. I had either, in a shitty version of a miracle, usurped this baby and stolen it's body, or gone through a completely messed up version of reincarnation.

I went silent and limp like my strings had been cut. Sure, a lot of people would probably be thrilled to be in the position I was in, and get a second chance. I wasn't one of them.

I held little to no curiosity about this new life I was in, I didn't want a new family, I didn't want an entire second go at fucking up. I just _didn't_. I was done. I had died and that was supposed to be that.

I was angry and scared. So scared. Terrified. I was upset, desolate, grieving. No part of me wanted to live out this second life, and the stigma or fear of death had left me now that I had gone through it once already.

So my mind latched onto the first and simplest solution I could think of; die again. And get it right this time. I didn't exactly have any emotional attachments in this life to hold me back, and babies died all the time didn't they? All it would probably take was some reckless management of my tiny fragile body for me to pop my clogs again.

And then a few words from the nurse pierced my miasma of negativity with a few words that I _could_ understand "Hatake-san," and, "Tou-san."

I was fairly certain I'd misheard the first one- it wasn't like I spoke the language at all. She could have said one hundred and one things that sounded slightly similar but meant entirely different things, or otherwise meant something specific in the context it was being spoken in, if it was Hatake-san she'd said.

The foreboding dark blur reappeared as silently as it had before, and now that I was closer I saw it was a person dressed in dark blues, greens and blacks. To my dismay the woman holding me held me out to the person.

Seriously, my vision was completely crap but even I could tell Dark Foreboding Blur didn't want to hold me. After a brief, awkward, pause DFB reached out and took me. The hands dwarfed me, and after the woman's encouragement I was brought close to a slightly uncomfortable green material that felt almost nothing like a chest.

Through all this I was distracting myself from my deep distress by running various plans that would end in my death. And then DFB looked down at me more closely than before, allowing me to get a good look at his face- or more accurately the small portion of his face that wasn't covered by a dark blue mask covering his mouth and nose, or by his headband bearing a disturbingly familiar symbol.

Oh fuck. _Seriously?_

I prayed desperately that I was completely misreading this situation and I was looking at someone who just _happened_ to resemble a real life version of Hatake Kakashi.

Except nope, there went the woman again, saying that damning name. Fuck you very much woman, I was happy in my river of denial.

I looked up at DFB ( _not my family not mine don't want him_ ) in resentment. I didn't want to live my life out in an alien body, in an alien life, with an alien family, living on an alien land that was notorious for being embroiled in wars that _didn't_ take place in a distant country.

But if I was correct, and I was this guy's kid (how the fuck did that happen? This wasn't part of the original story), I couldn't intentionally off myself. I couldn't do that to this person.

I had relied, when I came to that decision, on any family being complete strangers I knew nothing about. But I knew enough of Kakashi's history that he had lost his entire family. More importantly though, was that his father had killed himself.

There was no way even I was heartless enough to make Kakashi live through the suicide of both his dad and his child (was I sure I was his child and there wasn't something a little more complicated going on?). I might have just come into his life, and he might all but scream with discomfort whilst holding me, but I couldn't kid myself that he wouldn't give a shit if I killed myself.

With my one hopeful solution ripped from me so quickly, I mentally collapsed despondently. I had only felt so defeated a few times in my life, but never had I felt so alone and isolated at the same time.

I knew no one here. I couldn't talk or even communicate in any way. I was stuck in a completely useless body that did almost everything without my say so.

My face crumpled once more, but this time I didn't cry. I just sat mired in misery, feeling sick with my helplessness, and despaired.

I didn't pay much attention to DFB and the woman talking over my head, considering I didn't understand a word they were saying. However, it became apparent that whatever answers DFB was giving, weren't pleasing her.

With some concentration I listened as DFB seemed to become a little stressed, before I guessed - from the one word suggestions coming from his mouth -that he was trying to tell her a name for me - probably awful names with crappy meanings.

To be honest, I didn't particularly care what they called me. I had never been emotionally attached to my name, and beyond the convenience of specifying who was being referred to in a conversation or capturing someone's attention, I had never found names particularly useful or interesting. In fact, I was notorious for forgetting people's names when I had known them for years, yet being able to repeat ridiculously obscure details about them that I had heard slipped casually into a conversation ages ago.

So I was fairly certain I wouldn't give a shit, especially in the context of this entire fucked up situation. Except then that bastard DFB had to go and land on a name that was apparently acceptable to the woman. And thus I was named Subaru. Like the cars. Fuck this new life.

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 _In case you're wondering. Yes the swearing is going to be frequent and quite likely worse. That's how I talk when I'm in informal situations because if I didn't I'd end up sounding like a posh English snob. I don't even know I ended up sounding so goddam posh, no one else in my family does and I grew up around working class farmers._

 _Also the past will be explored bit by bit to get a good idea of where this characters main problems come from._

 _I have absolutely no idea where this is going, so if there are any prompts as the story goes on, of things you'd like to see I'll do my best._


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Nother quick update I tapped out while getting a haircut today. I did do a little research to just to make sure I got things at least plausible for the baby biology.

Physical development is going to be faster than in reality, because of Chakra and because I think they're just built a lot more robust due to the beating they're capable of taking that would kill almost any of us.

Also there will be a discovered reason for the obvious major freakout in this chapter. If it actually was me I would probably also freak out but not to that extreme, but since I've changed some of her history a more major one would make more sense.

A reminder that this is definitely going to be a fairly slow paced story to allow for convincingly paced character development from two fairly reluctant characters. Also this takes place about four or five years before the start of the anime.

Once again, I'm doing the barest minimum editing for this, so it will inevitably ramble some, and there will be mistakes.

Notes at the end that I didn't want to put at the beginning because they could be seen as slight spoilers

Let me know any suggestions or prompts for things you'd like to see going forward. I'd love to hear what you liked and what didn't stick so well with you!

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 **Chapter 2 - Bottled Trauma**

As I lay in DFB's stiff arms, with rapid conversation occurring over my head, I felt the exhaustion that my overload of emotions had had on my ( _not mine_ ) body. I eagerly silenced my thoughts as much as possible, and instead focussed on pretending that none of it really mattered to me anyway, that I was safe and care free. Sleep steadily weighed down my eyelids and I impatiently chased the feeling toward unconsciousness, desperate to escape.

Unfortunately, just before I could truly slip into deep sleep, I felt myself moved, and jolted awake. I was given back to the woman, to my confusion, and then placed down on a flat, padded surface. My confusion quickly turned to horror as I felt the fleshy excuse for legs and lower body tilted up, and a thick material placed under me. My legs were separated as the material came up through them and sealed all together at my sides ( _get it off me please get it off_ ).

I had only felt such deep humiliation once in my life before- when I had fallen into the habit of badly teasing my best friend as a child, and in response my teacher had stood me in front of my entire class and had them watch as she brought me to tears, pointing out to them how ashamed and embarrassed I must have been feeling judging by the mess I had made of my face, and refusing to let me hide it or look away from them.

Filled with dread, I forced any movement I could into the muscles of my legs to test my range of manoeuvrability. What little control I had had over the bottom half of this awful fucking body was as good as gone, thanks to the humiliating bundle of fabric wrapping around me ( _not a diaper not a diaper it's not it's not I won't fucking use it don't make me please_ ).

I couldn't make myself acknowledge either of the ( _cruel callous fuck you for making me do this I hate you both_ ) people in the room - the shame thick and choking in my throat and my eyes stinging with the tears my tear ducts weren't developed enough to squeeze out yet. My cheeks burned a blistering red, as I once more lost control over my body- my face scrunched up and I was forced to cry my deep mortification out into the air for them to witness ( _stop looking at me don't watch just give me this at least_ ).

I hated the woman with a bitter rage as she lifted me once more into her cold gentle hands, cooing softly muttered words at me all the while, before she once again handed me out to DFB who radiated an even greater reluctance than before. I didn't care about how uncomfortable he felt or how confronting he found holding a baby, I shut my eyes tight so that I didn't have to look at him see me in a fucking- ( _I can't I can't even think it_ ).

My wails became louder and more desperate, the pressure in my head from all the blood rising, whilst the tight feeling grew, and my throat and chest squeezed sharply as my anxiety, humiliation and feeling of being deeply out of control grew.

God I just wanted someone to take me out of this situation entirely; out of this shaming _thing_ , out of this world, out of this horrible fucking body.

As my cries grew in pitch, DFB started a stiff rocking motion from side to side, but it made no difference to me.

Any attempts I might have made to calm down were ruined by the understanding of what life would look like for me for months, that would result in the need for a cloth torture contraption.

Flashes of my inevitable future filled me with sick terror; of being so out of control of my body I shat and pissed myself over and over again, everyone knowing when I did so, being seen and handled up close, no privacy, someone touching me to clean me, touching my sh- ( _I can't think it I'm going to be sick I can't do this I can't handle this I can't take this no no no not that_ )

My complete physical helplessness clashed with my need to escape in order to recuperate and regain some control, as well as elevating the hysteria brought on by the terrifying images my mind was showing me ( _Get me out Get me out Get me out Get me out I can't I can't Kill me_ ).

My screams grew hysterical and had I had full control over my limbs I would have been thrashing desperately, I couldn't do this, I needed to get away, I needed space, I couldn't breathe.

My chest grew tighter and tighter, and my body grew tenser and tenser, my mind or my heart was going to falter and fail. Please please please please no I can't I can't can't can't.

And then suddenly something shifted, and my mind slowed down, and I drifted slowly along the path of my thoughts, and I realised that it didn't matter- because what did it matter what happened to this stupid fucking body anyway, when it wasn't mine... this wasn't my body.

They could do whatever the fuck they liked to it, because it had nothing to do with me, I didn't own this body, I was merely housed within it - after all I was within my brain, thinking these thoughts to myself, and viewing the world behind the safety of those eyes.

And if the world was a little bit like a horror movie, then I could move to the very back of my mind, very far away, and surround myself in the echo of my thoughts and stay in the comfortable snug corner where no one could reach me, and just notice the little things I would otherwise miss.

Like how the little throat belonging to the body I was housed in was cracking and amusingly sore from such a small bout of crying, and how DFB was frantically saying something above me, and the woman was saying something soothingly in reply, and how light and insubstantial the body I was contained within felt, and how hot the cheeks felt.

And I realised it was kind of funny after all. And the body, as though in response, slowly stopped screaming.

I noticed I found a peaceful amusement in the continued jerky sways of DFB's arms, how silly he probably looked, so put off by a little baby.

Time dripped by moment by moment, and I took a detached amusement in each one, and so slowly that I seemed to miss it all altogether, we were outside, and there was a blanket wrapped around the baby, and the wind was whipping past, as the blurry view seemed to take great dipping curves as it moved. Or maybe the baby body was taking great sweeping arcs, up up up, and down down down, faster and faster and still held in DFB's arms, and oh I hadn't expected it to be dark.

The lights were pretty as they blurred, and I noticed the feeling of a swooping stomach with every curved descent was almost pleasant and almost nauseating. DFB must be jumping across rooftops, I realised, and noted with bemusement at how long it took for me to come to that conclusion from the safety of my mind.

I wondered, with a vague mental smile, what it would be like if DFB slipped and dropped the body he was holding. It would tumble down down down and splat. It would be an interesting experience. I bet he would feel stupid for such a blunder. That would be amusing.

And then the blurry lights were gone and we were in a room, although I didn't remember how we entered the room. Time oozed by as I pondered deeply and comfortably on how we had entered the room, until I was in a bed, facing the ceiling and DFB was covering the baby body in the blanket that had previously been wrapping it.

I eyed the ceiling and curiously thought - huh so this is what it's like to be a baby on a bed, okay. After an indistinguishable length of time, the bed dipped slightly as DFB got in too, his head on level with me. I thought he might be looking at me but I didn't bother to try and check.

Eventually I heard the shifting of sheets, and a hand came into view slowly and seemingly hesitant. DFB's hand paused briefly, and then lightly touched the baby's hand with just his fingertips. Gaining a little confidence, the fingertips explored the baby's hand, feeling rough and calloused and warm. Eventually he pulled his fingertips and hand away and shifting sheets indicated he had rolled onto his back.

"Kuso," I heard him mutter harshly. I mused on the fact that I was fairly certain that was a swear word. Or did it mean black? Hmm perhaps it meant grass. Or was DFB saying the Japanese version of lol. Probably not the last one.

Slowly, I felt myself begin to drift off whilst debating the merit of each possible translation, from the warm padded safety of my mind.

* * *

I woke up some time later whilst it was still dark, a little more front and centre mentally, and hungry as shit. I considered just ignoring the hunger pangs and trying to fall back asleep, except I quickly realised this body's tendency to automatically cry when any sort of discomfort was too prevalent, was going to overrule me if I didn't take action first.

Wrestling with control, I ruthlessly suppressed the irritating noises that wanted to blast from the tiny, still slightly sore, throat and settled instead, for a short, loud, nasally, "AH!" - Relying on DFB being a light sleeper who was already somewhat aware of the regular need to feed babies 24/7.

If I wasn't feeling so bloody miserable both emotionally and physically, I would have found it funny how quickly DFB shot upright. After a few long moments, during which I assumed he tried to figure out what woke him, or figure out what I needed, or avoided looking at me in the hope that he could convince himself it was all a bad dream, or whatever, he turned to me and muttered something that sounded quite like a despairing whine.

At my answering "AH!" just in case he needed to know the first time wasn't a fluke he could ignore, he sighed and picked me up, fitting the tiny body I was stuck in snugly against his torso with one arm. It seemed like in his tired state he was less worried about handling me wrong and as a result, held me less stiffly. Or perhaps he was just too tired to give a shit about potential discomfort on my end.

He slid out of bed and across the two whole steps it took to reach the other side of the room. With another mutter, groan and sigh, he placed me down on the cold hard surface of the desk (asshole) and rifled through bag I hadn't been able to discern amongst the dark blurriness that was the room.

As he fiddled about with what I hoped was some kind of sustenance, I pondered on the presence of what looked to me to be some level of preparedness for a baby. It brought up the question once more of how the hell I'd come to exist in this world.

Either someone else had dropped off a few things while DFB was hanging around with me and the evil cold handed woman, or he had bought a few things beforehand, knowing to expect me.

This body was obviously extremely young, but I certainly hadn't woken up covered in gunk and being squeezed out of some woman (thank fuck), so I didn't think the body was completely brand new. Where the hell had I been mentally as a complete newborn then? Obviously I remembered to an extent a prolonged sleep but... the only thing I could think of was that somehow I had been born in a coma and had woken up. Was that even possible?

Where was this body's biological mother? Was she with Kakashi romantically? Was she going to show up to take custody or help parent? I hoped not. The last thing I wanted was some woman trying to mother me. At least I could probably rely on a level of detached do-whatever-the-fuck-you-want-ness from DFB.

If a female showed up with intent to be mothering and tell me what to do and baby me, I was enough of a selfish heartless shit that I'd do my best to make her run for the hills. Blegh, there were few things I found more annoying than women trying to be maternal toward me in any sort of recognisable, typical way. I couldn't stand it.

I was interrupted from my premature aggravation by DFB's abrupt movement out the corner of my eye. It was with both trepidation and relief that I watched him pour some sort of milk concoction out of a can and into a bottle, before attaching the rubber top on.

On one hand, at least he wasn't a completely inept moron around a baby's bodily needs, and the hunger pangs bothering me were going to go away soon. On the other hand, that looked suspiciously easy to put together. Wasn't there supposed to be sterilising with boiled water, and powder and hot water shaking, and testing on wrists involved?

Was that ready made single use baby formula? Jesus DFB was a lazy bastard. I didn't even know that existed. Did that exist in my world? Maybe it was just a new world special convenience for busy shinobi.

He picked me up and held me in one arm again, before dithering about with the bottle in the other hand, as he shifted both arms around, trying to figure out how get the bottle and baby to attach. I lay there, exasperated, as DFB seemed to somehow manage to get it wrong in some way every time. Wasn't this guy supposed to be a genius?

Not that I knew any better when it came to feeding a baby, I just knew it was uncomfortable as all hell when he literally had the feet at a higher level than the head of this body.

Eventually he gave up holding me in one arm, and changed the position to sat in his lap facing him, with one hand holding the head up. Feeling the warm and callused skin so acutely against the scalp reminded me of the lack of hair babies usually had, and gave me mixed feelings about the generally pleasant sensation.

With impatience I accepted the bottle and, despite my slight dread at what ready made formula might taste like, gave a few quick sucks. Immediately I noticed the excessive bubbles in the liquid, and felt a burst of annoyance. If there was one thing about bottle feeding I knew for sure, it was that the bottle had to be tipped properly to prevent too much air being mixed with the milk, or else the baby would likely get painful gas. No thank you.

I heaved a mental sigh, and with a grimace at the mess I was going to make of myself, allowed the milk to dribble out of the little mouth before I swallowed, feeling it trickle unpleasantly over the chin and drip down the torso to soak into the top of- ( _don't think about it_ ).

Fucking imbecile. DFB paused for a moment in what I distinctly suspected was an unimpressed deadpan, before he said something that sounded mildly frustrated. It wasn't my bloody fault the asshole couldn't get one thing right when it came to bottle feeding. If anything I was preventing him from making a mistake we would both regret.

Allowing me to lie flat in the dip between his legs, DFB removed the top of the bottle and sniffed the formula. Immediately he recoiled with a quietly disgusted sound, before tasting it, from the light lip smacking sounds I could hear. A contemplative hmm met my ears, and another mutter, before he gave feeding me another go.

Thankfully he got it right this time from what I could tell. I immediately began to swallow the milk doing my best not to taste it, but quickly realised it wasn't awful. I knew I would get tired of the taste fairly soon, but for now it was fine.

DFB caught on quickly when I paused as soon as I could tell there was too much air in the milk and spat it out twice more, allowing the time to pass relatively quickly. Finally, the small body was wiped down with an uncomfortably cold and wet cloth, despite not being able to see a water source anywhere nearby ( _Don't think about the changed diaper it didn't happen forget it ever happened_ ).

It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep again, and although my brain was niggling at me that babies were supposed to be burped, I acknowledged that there was nothing I could do about it for now, soon escaping again into the safety and comfort of my dreams, where I could enjoy myself in a body that actually belonged to me and allowed me the self control I had taken for granted previously but was now gagging for.

And if I thought I briefly felt warm rough fingertips once more lightly explore the little baby hand, I rejected the knowledge of such and firmly ignored it, turning back to my dreams for solace.

* * *

Despite sort of knowing it theoretically, I was still genuinely shocked at the amount of times I woke up that night needing to be fed. It completely baffled me how single working parents did it for any prolonged length of time. Heck even two parents with at least one on paid leave were impressive to me that they managed.

As it was, I was almost sorry for DFB and how often he had to wake up at night for the foreseeable future, if we were stuck together. However, I didn't actually feel sorry for him, because frankly I was doing the best I could to make the periods I was awake as short and easy as I could, and I doubted any other new parent was lucky enough to get that level of consideration from the baby they had.

On top of that I didn't particularly give that much of a shit about him, plus I was too busy concentrating on two things as soon as I was awake; not thinking as much as possible until I could fall into the sanctuary that was sleep again, and after the second time I awoke, constant Kegel exercises.

I absolutely couldn't bear the idea of being forced to use the thing I was wearing for months, and so I became determined to force this stupid fucking body into compliance one victory at a time. I knew Kegel exercises were supposed to strengthen the muscles involved around the butt, bladder and for my sex at least, the womb ( _please don't have been born into the wrong sex on top of all this bullshit_ ). My hope was that by starting the exercises as early as possible, I could minimise the length of time I was subjected to the cloth torture.

Until I reached that first dreaded hurdle, all I could do was sleep, drink increasingly bland and suspect ready made formula, and resentfully ignore DFB's aura of growing exhaustion.

* * *

 _Eh I could probably come up with a more interesting place to stop, but I figured this was good enough._

 _If you're wondering about the weird head space shift that stopped the major freakout, it's a version of dissociation called Depersonalisation disorder. I struggled with it in my late childhood/early teens, but luckily not too badly and not for long. It's a little difficult to write correctly, especially since it was quite a while ago._

 _Also you've probably noticed the inconsistent way the character refers to her body. That's because she is very quickly getting body dysphoria, and is almost entirely in denial that the body is hers and so doesn't even want to call it that in her mind. The bout of dissociation didn't help._


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs

Hey, another rambling largely unedited chapter.

Let me know what works for you and what doesn't, or any other thoughts :)

Just a brief explanation that she generally thinks of the fictional character she knew about in her first life as Kakashi, and the guy in front of her in her second life as DFB, or whatever other charming nicknames she inevitably comes up with.

I know it's incredibly slow moving at the moment but it will pick up a bit eventually.

* * *

 **Chapter 3 - Shit Gets Real**

When it came to pulling off my baby development miracles (because fuck acting like a normal baby, I would go insane), I was relying on three significant factors.

Kakashi's complete lack of exposure to babies and thus the rate at which they usually developed.

The usual laws of what was acceptable and normal being off the charts thanks to the weirdness that surely existed due to Chakra fucking around with people's lives.

The existence of geniuses being not only slightly dime a dozen but also kinda ridiculous in the speed at which they learned.

Not only that but I was aware of people's tendencies to brush off weird things their kids did growing up as either just being kids or a sign that their children were unique, and not look into it any further. I was desperately hoping that DFB would lean more towards that than ninja paranoia with me.

( _Oh fuck no no no I need to-_ ) And then there was another part of me altogether that just wanted desperately to believe that all of these similarities and resemblances to the Naruto universe were merely cosmetic, and went no further than skin deep.

Beyond the few things I had seen so far, ( _Give me more time I need more time I'm not ready for this I don't want to-_ ) I had no actual proof that the world I was in was actually similar to the original Naruto at all- beyond at least one person being born the same, the existence of the same headband and the ability to jump across rooftops at a ridiculous speed.

This could well be a world that was merely heavily similar to the story of Naruto, but if it continued as it was already going, would follow a completely different series of events.

In fact, I knew there were plot holes within Naruto, particularly when it came to the ages of certain characters, and when they graduated. ( _This stupid fucking body why why why it hurts I need-_ ) The timeline was plotholey, and the anime at least (because even though I was kicking myself for it now I had never read the manga) had been set up initially with characters lacking knowledge in ridiculous ways, in order to allow people to learn alongside them and get a good basic understanding of the world.

Even if this universe followed Naruto as closely as feasibly possible, there would still be differences right from the start. There had to be, because if 12 year old kids with years of education and two top scoring students lacked the basic understanding about fundamentals when it came to being a shinobi, as Sakura, Sasuke had Naruto had, I would fucking gouge my goddam eyes out with a rusty spoon and give this world up for dead ( _I can't I won't I won't do this anything else not this there has to be another way of-_ ).

No, I would gouge _their_ eyes out with a rusty spoon, burn down the academy, and give this world up for dead.

And if this world really was like Naruto through and through, plot holes and all, well... the only explanation would be that those real life plot holes were glitches in the matrix that I'd be keeping my eyes out for.

That would be a whole other sort of problem.

As it was I couldn't really assume that this new life was the Naruto story in any way that I would recognise, until I saw each familiar piece of said story with my own eyes. ( _Oh no no god no DFB you stupid fucking bastard read my mind and help me stop this do something please don't make me-_ ) To reach any other conclusion before the evidence was right in front of me would be ridiculous. To allow unproven conclusions to dictate my choices and restrict my actions based upon notions such as 'sticking to the plot' would be stupidity to the extreme.

Besides, any idea of this being a universe following the original Naruto story went to shit the moment I was born. ( _It hurts it hurts it hurts I can't stop it-)_ Even with attempts to keep things recognisable, I was guaranteed to change things from what I knew. It was inevitable, and so there was no point in beating myself up or stressing myself out over something I couldn't do anything about (not that I wouldn't fall into the trap of doing that occasionally anyways).

So any notions of me being an alien, or not belonging in this world were also ridiculous, and to indulge in useless thoughts such as those would be me being self pitying, pathetic and probably giving myself greater importance in the grand scheme of things than was at all true (not that I wouldn't fall into the trap of doing that occasionally too).

Right, that was one existential crisis cut off at the ankles before it truly began. ( _I don't feel good I can't do this it will make me sick I'll be sick no no-_ ) Thank fuck for that, I had way too many of them anyways on a good day. The last thing I needed was my brain trying to convince me that it was somehow my responsibility to "fix things" as though I was what broke the world. Fuck that.

As I repeatedly told myself when I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty about shit I couldn't control- I really wasn't that important, and to assume I had such a great impact on the world that the existing problems were solely my responsibility would be the height of arrogance. I could only ever do my best ( _no no please please please god I can't I can't please fuck please no)_.

And then the ranting I was doing in my head stopped working.

A cold sweat had broken out all over, I was panting and light headed. It hurt so badly that I couldn't prevent the shaking of this stupid fucking- oh god it hurt. My face scrunched in distress, and wails broke out as my stress mounted.

Saliva built in the back of my mouth, and my stomach churned unpleasantly- like a hard ball of anxiety flipping and bouncing. My shaking and breathing grew heavier, my limbs twitched and waved impotently.

I was stuck. I couldn't do anything but dread the inevitable any second. This was worse than the diaper. So much worse. I couldn't do this. Please I didn't want to do this.

This was going to destroy me. I felt so sick and it hurt. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. I was powerless. I screamed and screamed and couldn't stop - almost didn't want to stop.

This wasn't the plan. I had to stop screaming or it would all be a waste. I couldn't go through this more than once. I had to calm down - just a fraction, just enough to stop screaming for two seconds.

The limbs tingled like they had pins and needles, and even though I knew the face I wore was burnt red, the cheeks and the chin and the nose tip and the forehead were shocked cold and numb.

My mind began to pull back, just enough that a small thought flickered through the pain- I had to do this. I had to do this because there was no other option, not for me. I clung to that fleeting thought and fed it an unreasonable determination. Then I took advantage of a deep breath the body was automatically taking to fuel the screams, forcing the eyes open to stare right at DFB (who at some point had come to lean over me and stare -likely with bafflement, the useless fucker) with a mien of concentration, and forced the reluctant vocal chords to emit a single, loud, nasally, "AH!".

And then, to my eternal horror, I allowed the muscles to let go, and in the early hours of my first morning in this fucking world, I... I... (Oh fucking hell I had to just admit it to myself. Just one word) shamalamalamat myself (goddamit).

I took deep, gasping, panicked breaths. But I managed to maintain a weak facade of being okay. The limbs were still tingling the face was still numb, and my mind felt like it was yanking itself in any direction it could to prevent thinking about what had happened ( _I feel sick I feel sick get it off me get it off me get it off me now now now please_ ).

DFB didn't take more than a few moments to guess what had happened, thanks to less than discrete sounds this awful fucking body had produced in the moment ( _I can't do this anymore Please get this off me right fucking now It's on my skin It's touching me I can't handle this_ )

The shaking limbs and gasping breaths didn't abate one bit, and my mind felt tenuous in its grasp of reality. DFB didn't waste much time in lifting this disgusting body from the bed, arms outstretched from his body and placing it on the cold surface of his desk. He unstrapped the cloth torture and unfolded it till it lay mostly flat, as these stupid fucking eyes began to roll unstably in its head ( _I don't feel good I'm going to be sick_ ).

DFB recoiled briefly at what he saw, and that added humiliation was the last straw for me. I felt the stomach roil, the mouth salivated, the throat contracted and vomit spewed all over the body, before it burst into hysterical screams once more. There was something disturbing about the screams this time, that even I noticed, as I drifted to the back of my mind.

Somewhat shell shocked and yet snug, curled up in the corner of my mind, I noticed tiredly that the screams coming from this body seemed to have a visceral layer of horror, terror and hysteria. The already stressed baby throat strained further under the screams that seemed to share unadulterated emotional agony.

I didn't know babies could make such a frightening heart stopping noise. Perhaps they couldn't. Maybe it was just me. Either way, DFB definitely noticed it from the quietly worried and somewhat frantic sounds coming out of his mouth, as he tried to quickly mop up this poor excuse of a body and seemed to struggle to do so.

I watched with a distantly disturbed fascination, as whatever he was doing down there clearly wasn't working well, and just made the baby scream harder. If that was possible.

It was almost as amusing to watch him struggle as it was disgusting to be in a body covered in gunk. Surely he'd been covered in difficult to get off substances before, that he had a reliable method of removing such things.

Either way, my plan had better have worked because this was taxing to go through, and more overwhelming for my coprophobic mind than even I had suspected. If I had to do this again, I might just shred the throat with the stress it was going through.

Huh, I missed the rest of DFB's shitty struggle (heh), and he had baby wipes this time to clean the face, neck and torso. I wondered if he would use the cloth again today, and I'd be able to see the mysterious water source. It would give me a good idea of where the nearest tap was.

Why was that relevant again? Something about baby baths and sinks. I couldn't remember. But at least the clean up was done and a clean cloth torture had been put on. When had that happened? I couldn't remember that either.

DFB appeared to be unsure what to do with a still screaming baby, and I almost felt sympathetic for him. Except I didn't, because it was kinda funny watching him flap about and try not to be too obvious about it.

I didn't know how long it took for the baby to stop crying, but I knew that throat would be a bitch to deal with for at least the rest of the day, and by that point, despite it's now fairly empty stomach, I could feel the body slowly shutting down from overwrought exhaustion. When DFB tentatively picked it up I could see matching tiredness in his half mast eye, as he looked at me in an oddly expressive mixture of annoyance, hope and worry.

I figured we could both use a good nap, and so didn't fight the urge to sleep. I had a suspicion I'd probably be doing a lot of that over the coming weeks. It was irritating to have such short awake periods in which to assess my situation, but at the same time sleep was a welcome escape each time it arrived.

Especially when my only other option was the continued companionship of the clearly unenthused DFB, after the shameful debacle that he had just witnessed from me. So, placed once more down on my spot in the top corner of his bed closest to the wall, and a blanket covering me, I barely eked a yawn from the baby, before I was fast asleep, tucked safely away in my head.

* * *

It wasn't long later, when I woke for what felt like the hundredth time from hunger pangs, that I saw results from my plan.

Immediately I released the new familiar, nasally "AH AH!" shout, that had DFB releasing a miserable groan, before sitting up.

After expressing a long, sleepy sigh, and hanging his head for a moment, he got out of bed, rustled around in what I had dubbed The Bag, and climbed back in with a bottle of ready made boring but filling milk. He had been an efficient learner over the night, and had quickly established that when I shouted shortly twice, it meant I was hungry, as well as the fact that it was easier for him to grab and prepare the milk without removing me from the bed, and feed the baby body once he was back under the thin covers.

As he held the little head in his lap and almost expertly attached both human and bottle, I felt a familiar and yet unfamiliar pressure. I recognised immediately what it meant, but was briefly confused by how it could feel so new because of this body.

Either way, unwilling to traumatise myself for a second time that morning if I could help it, I detached the lips from the rubber top, and tested DFB's vaunted genius, by shouting out a single "AH!" and waited with bated breath.

He looked down at me, confusion clear in his lone uncovered eye, before I practically saw the connection fall into place in his mind and it shot wide open in alarm. Clearly he was just as reluctant as I was for a repeat of the morning, as the bottle seemed to vanish from his hand and he swept me up in his grip at the same time as he vaulted out of bed.

In less time than I could comprehend, we were in a bathroom, the cloth torture was gone, and I was being held over a toilet by a hopeful DFB. A little flustered at being watched, but far more pleased with myself, I released my bladder, and determined that I would never wet myself if I could help it.

I may have just become, quite possibly, the youngest baby in this world to be a semblance of toilet trained, but from DFB's relieved noise, and the first genuinely positive emotion I had experienced since waking up in my second life, it was well worth the risk of Shinobi paranoia.

Unfortunately, a few seconds later, with my chest heavy in embarrassment as DFB had to wipe me, I realised my plan was not entirely foolproof.

Nevertheless, I was a goddam boss, and at least DFB had proven himself not to be a total fucking liability. I was almost impressed with him actually. Almost- not really though.

* * *

 _So just in case you were wondering (because I wasn't) apparently the first time (possibly first few) a baby craps it's not really crap it's the stuff they swallowed whilst in the womb that's coming out, and it can be super sticky and messy and difficult to get off. Hence Kakashi's struggle. Poor guy._

 _Also COPROPHOBIA, which is mentioned here, is essentially the fear of crap. Subaru has it, which explains her complete freak out #2. She is disgusted when she sees it- even images - and even more so with smell added in. She can't touch it without wanting to throw up and afterward scrub her skin raw. Crapping in front of someone horrifies her. The __idea of getting it in her mouth is enough to make her sick. With the added trauma of the situation she has a massive overload._

 _I'm also coprophobic so this chapter was a bit difficult for me to write, but anyone knows babies are reknowned shit machines so I couldn't just pretend Subaru magically doesn't do it, and I wanted to get it outta the way as fast as possible. Also this is probably genuinely what I would do in that situation with the solution. Fuck subtlety._


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs

Aaand another almost entirely unedited ramble. I'm probably going to start including mini time skips next time to move things along because I'm cool with how I've set up their relationship for now.

At some point slightly later on I will also include some Kakashi pov chapters looking briefly at what he remembers of this time, because obviously Subaru doesn't understand the entirety of what's going on. Also he's being the emotionally withdrawn and emotionally inept loner that I think he was around this time, so whatever he's feeling on the inside isn't really coming across yet.

Finally, let me know what works for you and what doesn't, or any other thoughts you have. If there are any prompts you have for moments/scenes you'd like to see in the future I'll do my best to accommodate.

* * *

 **Chapter 4 - Leave Me Alone I'm Lonely**

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect during my first day with DFB, but it certainly wasn't complete and utter boredom.

If the day was DFB's way of starting as he meant to go on I would likely become a problem child very quickly. I did not deal well with boredom.

I inevitably fell asleep some time after I was fed bland milk, and generally woke in time for the next feed as hunger dictated.

In between those times, it seemed my body had kicked into gear after my first... (just say it) my first bowel movement, and I had become something akin to uncontrollable crapinator that babies were known for being. Each time, according to our established silent agreement, I would shout out a single "AH!" And he would rush me to the toilet.

Of course that didn't do anything about the deep discomfort and upset I felt about being watched doing my business, and then _touched_ down there afterward, still dirty, in order to be cleaned up. I couldn't prevent my cries with each experience, but consoled myself that at least it wasn't the messier more terrifying option of actually requiring the cloth torture for its specific purpose.

As for DFB himself. Well... he ignored me. It was as simple as that. I was placed back in my corner of the bed, sometimes with the blanket covering me and sometimes not, depending on how hot it was, as DFB sat on top of his covers, leaning against the back wall and read what I assumed to be Icha Icha, with a determined concentration, and avoided looking at or touching me unless he had to.

I wasn't particularly bothered to be honest ( _I need to be alone So overwhelmed_ ). I needed that full day to come to terms with what had happened to me, in any manner. So yes, I was bored, but only until I gave in and thought deeply on what I knew, to transfer it from knowledge to understanding.

I had been reborn ( _displaced_ ). I was incredibly unhappy about this. There was nothing I could do about it without killing myself. I wouldn't kill myself because I understood it would likely deeply emotionally damage Kakashi- emotionally damage DFB ( _until my need to not exist outweighs my empathy_ ). The place I had been reborn resembled the fictional world of Naruto from my first life.

I guessed I was probably in an alternative reality, or universe or whatever it was called ( _not home_ ). I knew there were theories out there about multiple universes or realities in which every possible sequence of atoms existed... or something. I wasn't a scientist, I'd gotten the basics of the theory, but if asked to explain it to someone I would do a terrible job ( _I'll never find out now The knowledge is out of reach My home is out of reach_ ).

Either way, the upshot of it was that I didn't think the idea of there being an existing universe in which something closely resembling the Naruto story occurred, was actually far fetched at all. It made what seemed initially like a ludicrous premise surprisingly plausible.

My presence, on the other hand, was unexplainable from anything I'd heard of. According to my incredibly simple understanding of what it meant to be a human person, I shouldn't exist ( _I miss my home_ ).

At least not with all my memories in tact. The way memories formed ensured I should have been a blank page in terms of them, even if I had been reborn, thanks to my new physical brain. It didn't make any sense to me... yet here I was.

Maybe I wasn't her. The original me. Maybe I was sort of like a clone, in that the original me was dead and gone permanently, or perhaps had even been resuscitated back home, and I was some sort of recreation of the original who just had her memories ( _maybe nobody misses me Maybe there's no one to miss_ ).

Fuck, I didn't know, and I likely wouldn't ever find out. Either way, I was here now, and I doubted I was ever getting back home ( _I want to go home_ ). And even though I felt like I shouldn't be here, someone had once told me that everything that ever happened in the universe was always going to happen, and so beating myself up about the way life went was utterly pointless, because I was always going to do what I did and what happened to me was always going to. It had something to do with the fourth dimension, and frankly I hadn't been listening because I wasn't sure at the time if I had enough money for the bus.

Also he was justifying why he didn't feel bad or apologise to our tutor for the missing coursework over the year; according to him he was always not going to hand it in.

But the point was that I was here in this world because I was always going to be here. Was that how it worked? Well even if it wasn't, it made me feel the slightest bit less shitty so I'd stick with it.

Coming to terms with the fact that I was absolutely almost definitely stuck in this new life ( _alone_ ) - that this was it now- was extremely difficult. Everything was different ( _not right_ ), including things that I had completely taken for granted would never change. Fundamental aspects of my life and the ways I had justified my actions, my motivations, my reasons for carrying on every day, were just gone ( _I want to go back_ ). Kaput, nada, nothing. My entire history, my existence, everything and everyone that proved my life had left a permanent mark on reality, and reality had left a mark on me, was gone ( _I'm completely alone_ ).

All that was left was my sole mind. My memories, my personality, my values and beliefs, my feelings, my thoughts. They were all I had now. And it was all so intangible and ephemeral, that I couldn't help but think I didn't really have anything at all ( _I miss everything_ ).

I didn't really know what to do with it ( _there's nothing to do_ ). With the nothing that I had ( _there's no end goal_ ). With the nothing that I essentially was ( _Nobody knows me_ ). A remnant of an existence, a reality, a universe, a history and world that I had no proof existed beyond myself ( _Nobody cares and I care for nobody here_ ).

I hadn't really believed in myself on the best of days, even surrounded by all the support in the world. Too busy doubting ( _there's no point_ ).

It was so... lonely.

After an evening bottle, I intently eyed the one person I was familiar with in this life. The man I suspected was my biological father. The person I was quite likely stuck with for the foreseeable future, and wondering what I should feel toward him.

He made eye contact with me, and rather than discard me once more to the mattress beside him to continue reading, he eyed me back with his one black eye. His gaze was intense, but everything else about him radiated impassiveness, and there was no hint of affection, or attachment, or softness that I could find.

He didn't look like a father looking at his kid, or at his relative, or even a stranger looking at a child. He looked like a shinobi holding a baby. An inherently discomfiting image.

I wondered what I was supposed to feel about him; resentment that it was because of him that I wouldn't make the choice to kill myself? Attachment that he was all I had in this new unwanted life? Love that he was probably my new family and was the one who was there to feed me and help me and sleep next to me?

But we stared at each other as strangers, and in that moment I felt nothing.

With something akin to disappointment ( _sadness_ ) weighing me down, I turned my gaze away and didn't look at him again. Instead, as he placed me back on the bed and turned to his book, I lay listlessly, staring at the ceiling, and lazily poked and prodded at the calm ocean of grief that lay underneath the numb nothingness I felt, wondering what to do with it ( _nothing There's no point_ ).

The emotional turbulence that had plagued me since I had woken up that very first time, the ever present anxiety and stress that had tightened my chest and raised my heartbeat, could only sustain itself for so long. In my real body that could be an entire couple of months. In this body it was 24 hours.

Even the horror that overwhelmed me and had me wailing every time I was forced to... (Just say it. It was only one word) to... _go (_ goddamit) could only continue on for a few times, until I became too emotionally tired for anything other than mild dread and deep resignation.

That was the overarching feeling that began to blanket my awakening hours - a sort of dull resignation.

I noticed that in response, the body I was in gradually stopped crying at the emotional discomfort of being watched using the toilet, and cleaned afterward. By the next morning, it had pretty much stopped crying at all.

I couldn't help but be glad that the racket I couldn't stop this body from creating had largely ceased, and it gave me back the slightest sense of control. If all it took was a general plateau from my emotions to stop acting outside of my say so, then I would focus on emotional control all I could.

If anything, that tiny kernel of control that I had accidentally grasped made me hungry for more. I wanted to be able to talk, and I wanted to move. Two things I knew weren't supposed to happen for months at least.

Perhaps that would be the same for this body, but I didn't see the harm in trying anyway. I'd likely need some input from DFB in this, which I was reluctant to rely on at all, but he was all I had as a resource, so he would have to do.

I didn't bother looking past those two goals. I had no plan past that. There was nothing I desired, other than to move by myself and talk. Once I had those two, my reliance on DFB went down significantly.

I waited until the sun had risen, after being fed a bottle, to attempt to engage DFB, for any interaction I could glean from him. It would likely be slow going, but if I had to choose one or the other, I wanted movement first.

After the bottle had been removed from between my lips with a pop, I squeaked to gain his attention. Surprised, he paused and looked at me, probably waiting for a sign I needed the toilet. I began to wriggle the little body, this time with purpose rather than my previous frantic panic filled flailing. The movements were slow, imprecise and jerky, but they were movements nonetheless.

The legs felt annoyingly restricted by the cloth torture, but it was an obstacle I knew I would have to work around to get what I wanted. The range and strength of the arms were more impressive than expected and I had high hopes that they'd get me upright far sooner than the legs.

Unfortunately DFB was fucking clueless and frustratingly uninterested, placing me back on the bed once he had established I didn't need anything obvious. He didn't go back to his book as I thought he would though. He rifled through The Bag, and fetched what I soon saw was a baby outfit.

I wondered why he was clothing me today, when all of yesterday he had had no problem with me being as good as naked.

It took a little bit of wrangling, but DFB was surprisingly adept at getting all of the limbs in the right place to fit the outfit correctly, even if I noticed he did his best to provide minimal contact between us.

And then before I could blink, he was gone. Of course not being able to see him didn't mean much with these shitty unfocussed eyes, but I couldn't hear him either. I lay there, dressed and baffled for a few long minutes, before DFB returned as quickly as he had left.

Except it wasn't DFB. The man had brown slightly messy hair, and weird markings around his eyes, stretching down both of his cheeks. He also had no mask. My eyes widened is surprised concern. Why was a stranger in DFBs flat and why was he picking me up? Was I being kidnapped? Where the fuck was DFB, the useless asshole?!

I let out an inadvertent noise of alarm, and was quickly silenced when DFB's voice came from the stranger. He lifted me level to his face, and although even his eyes were a different colour, once I was close enough to his face, I spotted some similarities in it's general shape.

My alarm died down swiftly, and left behind nothing but confusion. I was held to DFB's torso, and was slightly comforted by the familiar smell, but my confusion increased as he picked up The Bag, and a small pile of papers from the desk, that I was certain hadn't been there the day before.

When had they gotten there? Had someone dropped them off without me noticing? Or... had that stupid bastard left me when I was asleep, alone, helpless, and picked them up from somewhere?

For some reason I suspected the latter, the irresponsible fucker.

The beginnings of my internal grumbling were cut short as DFB opened the window and jumped out. There was something thrilling about being in the hold of someone jumping from such a high height, and going _up,_ despite what logic told me should have happened.

I watched from the security of DFB's arms as he soared from rooftop to rooftop at an impossible speed. My heart was lodged in my throat and the wind buffeted my face slightly uncomfortably, but I immediately fell in love with the feeling. It was the closest to flying I had ever done.

My eyelids slipped to half mast in order to protect my eyes, and for a moment, I almost felt peaceful. The journey was all too short, to my dismay, and we soon landed surprisingly softly on the street outside of a building.

My shitty eyes couldn't make out any details of the building as we approached it, but it seemed fairly colourful. As we entered inside, I began to feel a tiny seed of worry unfurl in my gut, but pushed it aside.

DFB approached a reception looking area, and began talking to someone I couldn't make out, but was apparently a woman by the pitch of the replies. He placed the papers he had grabbed before we left, down on the desk in front of us, with a few comments.

The woman leafed through them, and seemed to agree with something. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I couldn't help but feel a slight fear of the unknown.

She stepped around the desk and led DFB down a corridor, talking to DFB all the while, as they discussed things that he seemed to find incredibly important, if the unusually focussed edge of his voice was any indication.

She stopped in front of a door with a colourful sign on it that I couldn't make out, before opening it quietly. Inside were more adults than I could easily see, but it certainly wasn't packed full.

What drew my attention though, was that in the nearest adult's arms was a baby. The woman holding the baby placed it down in a weird child play pen prison thing. The worry in my gut grew stronger.

With both the woman and the receptionist person talking to DFB, I was certain I heard the name "Subaru-chan" thrown in there multiple times.

The discussion between the three seemed to take both only a few minutes and an age. Either way I dreaded to see the outcome of it's end.

I strained my gaze upward to look at DFB and tried to express with only my eyes how bad a feeling I had, but he was too busy talking to the women.

Eventually talking stopped and he looked down at me. An inscrutable emotion flickered momentarily in the corners of his mouth, the arch of his brow and around his eyes. But it was back to impassiveness before I could think on it.

And then I was being handed over to the woman ( _don't leave me here_ ). His fingertips seemed to linger for a second on one of the baby hands, before he stood back and regained the aloof demeanour he wore so well ( _don't leave me_ ).

For a few seconds he watched me quietly and listened to the woman who held me, before he replied to her with a few short words ( _please_ ), and then turned and walked away, sans Bag and sans baby.

The blooming worry that had settled in my stomach as a cold, sad understanding briefly contorted my features into crumpled distress.

However, I regained control of my emotions before it was stripped from me in the form of crying. The woman spoke in a singing tone at me all the while- her unfamiliar scent, hold and voice put me on edge, before she placed me on my back in a crib, and then walked away ( _he left me_ ).

The cold, sad understanding settled back into a dull resignation, as I realised that I was either in a very nice orphanage or a day care centre. Either way, there was a way for DFB to wash his hands of me for good or for a good portion of every day, and so I would have to rely on only myself if I wanted to fulfil my goal of independent movement.

I allowed myself a few minutes of placidly lying on my back, and staring at the ceiling, wondering if DFB was ever coming back for me ( _if he isn't do I give permission to kill myself_ ), before I got to work clenching and unclenching my fists rhythmically, as the first set of exercises I had chosen for myself, in order to gain motor control ( _alone_ ).

* * *

 _So if you're wondering (probably not) about why Subaru isn't swearing as much in this chapter, it's because, like me, when she's genuinely hurt or upset or feeling vulnerable or exposed (not necessarily angry or freaked out or panicked or outraged) she goes a bit quiet on the swear words._

 _Also Kakashi put on a disguise because he doesn't want anyone knowing he's got a little kid out there._


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs

So in the note that I posted I wrote that I'd put a chapter up in the next few days and then delete the note, so even though the word count would go up, the chapter numbers would stay the same.

I know for a lot of readers, particularly those in the US where the bulk comes from, it's the same day as the note, but for me, technically it's the next day. And I'm super tired. But I wrote this instead of job hunting... so enjoy I guess.

I also wrote in the last chapter that I would introduce time skips on in this chapter. I sort of have. The whole chapter is a little bit of a time skip to be honest. And also kind of not. I don't knows.

I know some of the things Subaru is doing is a lot earlier than most babies, but I looked up the earliest known ages for these things and then subtracted a little more time to make up for the fact that she's a heck of a lot more determined, she has few distractions a lot of time, and she's in a world where the people are physically made of sterner stuff, partially thanks to the influence of chakra.

Finally please do let me know what works for you or what you don't like as much, or just generally what you think. I get a lot of ideas and inspiration from reviews and have previously made immense changes to the direction of a story thanks to suggestions from reviewers.

* * *

 **Chapter 5 - I Stand Alone**

My life settled into a largely predictable routine very quickly. The exciting adventures of baby Subaru it was not.

DFB had me fed and dressed by what I guessed to be around 6am or 7am, and took me straight to day care every day.

I noticed within the first week that all of the women working there that I met, had the ability to use chakra, and many of the babies dropped off were by parents dressed for shinobi work. I took that to mean that I was in a day care that catered for shinobi parents, run by shinobi women.

It made sense when I thought about it. After all, even though DFB had shown to want as little as possible to do with me, it didn't necessarily mean he didn't give a shit about me. Putting me in a day care run by civilians when I had zero ability to defend myself was asking for a kidnapping if anyone ever found out our connection.

One of the things that I noticed very quickly about shinobi baby day care, was that it did it's best to foster a high level of independence right from the start. From as early as possible children were taught to go to the toilet by themselves, dress themselves, clean their own teeth, brush their own hair, and problem solve without the input of an adult giving them answers.

It was a little strange at first, to see adults so hands off in the caring of young children, but then I realised that encouraging dependence at any point, when in about ten years many of them would be off potentially fighting to the death, was not what the system would be looking for.

Whilst it wasn't exactly how I would raise children, I realised that it was probably the smartest move considering the structure of the society I was fairly certain I had been born into.

Of course, being largely left to my own devices suited me perfectly well. I wasn't interested in children's toys, no matter how smart they were compared to children's toys for babies from my first life. I certainly wasn't interested in the other babies my age, who did little but lie on their backs, wriggle, cry, piss, shit, sleep and eat.

The women came by like clockwork to feed me and the others my age, as well as change our cloth tortures whether we had used them or not.

One of the things I was incredibly relieved about was the fact that DFB had told them of my warning system for needing the toilet, and for feeding. Whilst the feeding warning was unnecessary, because the women fed us when they fed us and not a minute before or later, they listened to my toilet warning system every time.

Had they not, I probably would have spent all day every day I was with them holding my breath until I passed out, just to get away from the reality of sitting in my own - ugh.

For such an efficient and relatively hands off system, I was pleasantly surprised by the personal and humane handling of each baby. Each woman in charge of the youngest ones seemed to be assigned to three babies around my age, and we would each be held and interacted with for up to four hours a day.

I didn't really give a shit if she interacted with me, but I was glad for the other babies, that their emotional development was considered as well. In fact, the women seemed to pick up on my desires within a few days, and stopped trying to get me to fiddle around with and gum toys that I had no interest in whatsoever.

They continued to quietly chat to me, which I didn't pay any attention to- having chosen to aim for my walking and talking goals one at a time, and instead I focussed purely on movement.

The women were incredibly accommodating, and if I didn't find them so annoying for the way they spoke to me in irritating baby voices, I would have been very grateful. As it was I was mostly just frustrated at my slow progress.

* * *

All day every day, when I wasn't sleeping or eating or needing the toilet- which seemed to take up and unfairly large amount of time- I was clenching and unclenching the chubby little hands, touching forefinger to thumb and then every subsequent finger after that, as well as touching forefinger to the tip of the little nose with each hand over and over again.

When I was on my back, I would grab the closest thing and lift it, then put it back down gently within reach, I would kick and wriggle and wave the arms, turn the head from left to right and attempt to lift it as far off the ground as possible to look at the baby tummy.

When I was on my front I would wriggle and try to roll, moving the arms and legs about from underneath the little torso to stretched out, in attempt to get the limbs used to carrying the weight of this body.

It was exhausting work, and at first I could only sustain the movements for a few minutes, however I quickly worked my way up to ten minutes and then twenty, and then twenty five. I often fell fast asleep in the middle of exercising without realising it, and by the time the evening came around for DFB to pick me up and take me back to the room that I was so familiar with, I was so tired I could barely think straight.

The stupid body did nothing but ache from the exertion constantly as I pushed it and pushed it, but the adults around me assumed that it was just my natural baby progress and so did nothing to stop me.

Time seemed to blur together thanks to the sleep cycle that I was unused to, but I managed to keep track of the days and nights. It was three slow, grinding, infuriating weeks of monotony with little break through, beyond the lessening ache of the tiny body, and the finer control of the strength and direction the limbs moved in. I sometimes wondered if I was pushing the body too hard, but I couldn't make myself slow down or stop, because there was just nothing else I could do that wouldn't drive me mad.

* * *

Despite the fact that I had essentially brushed off the women at day care as an unimportant part of my new life, not worth paying too much attention to, they apparently hadn't felt the same about me. Perhaps they liked my clear determination to move, perhaps they worried that by myself I would get hurt, or perhaps it was just another aspect of helping me toward independence, I didn't know and wasn't interested in finding out. Either way, by week three, they began to help me.

It started with them helping me to roll over, and moved on to holding the head up with one arm, and pulling on the arms with the other, in order to help me sit up, and then lying me back down and starting over again. They would lie me down, propped up with a small pillow, and have me push against their hands with sock clad feet, one after the other, and then do the same with my hands. They also expanded on my picking and dropping exercise, by giving me heavier objects.

Progress was still too slow for my tastes, however it was obviously quicker. By the start of the fifth week, I could hold the head up by myself, and before the end of the second month, I was pulling myself into a sitting position alone.

Within that time I had the embarrassment of wetting myself three times, however I would be eternally thankful that... the other thing never happened again.

Each woman tried to get me interested in other things at certain points over those first two months; playing with toys, playing baby games with her, listening to her talk to me, and a few times interacting with the other babies my age.

I completely ignored the first three attempts, and by the time they tried the last one, I had already learned to roll, and simply rolled myself away from the other drooling stinker.

I generally thought of myself as, if not a nice person, at least someone who made an effort to be kind most of the time. However, when it came to the day care women, despite all the help they had given me, they were key presences during a time in which I largely felt nothing but dissatisfaction and frustration. Inadvertently, my perception of them became coloured by the same brush. I barely tolerated them, for all their dedication.

I didn't go out of my way to be rude or dismissive, and it didn't come across much because frankly I couldn't talk, but I never bothered to put on a smile for them, and didn't bother learning their names.

Once they were out of sight, they were mostly out of mind, and besides the two who had brightly coloured purple and blue hair, if I met them on the street, I probably wouldn't recognise them. I used them, plain and simple. And I didn't feel bad about it, because in my opinion that was what they were there for. Nevertheless... I probably could have been a little more gracious toward them.

* * *

By the end of the second month in this life, I had mastered easily pulling myself up using the things around me as supports, into a sitting position. After that, unless the women were feeding me, changing cloth tortures, getting me to the toilet, or helping me walk, I ignored them completely.

It was around this time that I began to mostly sleep through the night, and so what little interaction I had with DFB went right down. I was attached to him, certainly, but only insofar as I would be attached to anyone who provided me with stability. Beyond the fact that he provided me with somewhere warm to sleep, and he helped me go to the bathroom, after I stopped needing nightly feeds, that was all he did for me.

He never held me unless it was to transport me from point A to point B, and he didn't even wash the body I was in, since the women at day care did that for him. I noticed, though, that they didn't tend to do that for the other babies, and wondered what he'd told them to make me the exception.

I was usually the first to arrive at day care, and the last to leave. He rarely spoke to me, and by the second month I had given up on the faint idea I'd had on us being anything but cohabiters forced together by what I was fairly certain was DNA.

The moment I got back to the room we slept in, by which point I was too physically exhausted to do anything, he went straight back to reading his book, sometimes filling out paperwork, or sharpening blades, or patching up small tears in his clothes.

I assumed he did everything else he needed to do when I wasn't around, because the sheets were mostly always clean, and so were his clothes. Additionally, I'd come to realise that like a completely fucking dysfunctional bachelor, the one room we stayed in was literally all he had.

The bathroom that we used was supposed to be a communal bathroom, from the joint male and female sign on the door, and happened to be directly across from his room in the hallway, but for whatever reason, I never saw a sign of someone else using it.

It was dull and monotonous ( _lonely_ ) and all I had to keep me going was my determination to walk.

I didn't bother trying to crawl, when walking would probably take long enough, so I got straight on it. Each day, I pulled the weak body up into a sitting position, and did my best to get it on it's feet. And then inevitably it tilted over either onto it's back or face. Over and over and over again.

There was a shit load of face planting going on during those weeks, and the women's occasional giggles at my sincere efforts, whilst not malicious, made me dislike them. A lot. It took almost three weeks of trying every day until I was too tired to, in order to get the pathetic fucking body on it's feet.

It was gruelling, and trying, and even when I got there- like all the other checkpoints I had reached so far -it wasn't enough for me. It was too unstable on it's feet, needing something to hold onto to stay upright, and the moment I tried to shift it's weight onto one foot in order to walk, it toppled over.

At this point, the body's stamina had increased significantly, thanks to my continued pushing, and I spent two thirds of the time I was in dare care trying to walk, which meant I spent the rest of the time mostly sleeping or eating.

There was no excitement involved, barely any hope. I just felt a low level grim determination. I didn't think about what I would do when I had mastered walking. I didn't think about how much I disliked this new life, I didn't think about how lonely I was, or how half way through my third month despite having almost never been left alone in a room, I had made no connections.

I just pulled myself up onto my feet, sometimes with the help of the women, and sometimes without, and tried to walk.

* * *

I succeeded walking without support three months and just over a week into my second life. I felt little to no satisfaction, as the women clapped for me. I just toddled until I fell over, then got back up and did it all over again.

Despite reaching these milestones and more each week at day care, I shared none of them with DFB. I was too tired by the time he arrived, and I cared too little.

When he came to get me, and then lay me on my corner of the bed, I would simply lie there, staring at the ceiling, or the wall, and drift off into my daydreams, reminiscing with a painful wistfulness over my last life ( _my real life_ ) and missing everything with such fervour that at times I almost cried. Although I never did.

There was so much about my last life, that although I missed, I hadn't been too attached to. But I missed my sisters ( _My reasons for living My hope My support My compassion My most important people_ ) so much that my heart and chest hurt when I thought about them both ( _Gone forever_ ). And so, much of the time I chose not to think of them at all.

* * *

Throughout the next month, as I got better and better at walking by myself, until I could do a wobbly run for a few seconds, as long as there was something for me to hold myself up with at the end, I went from wandering about small sections of the room relatively aimlessly, to actively avoiding the others.

I didn't need the women to help me walk anymore, I didn't want them telling me where to walk, or who to interact with. All I needed from them was to supervise me going to the toilet and gradually, I even stopped needing them to help me hold a bottle, as I learned how to hold and tilt it whilst I reclined at an angle, in order to make it easier.

* * *

As I breached the fourth month of my new life, relatively settled at the speed with which I could move for now, I turned my thoughts toward speaking. As soon as I considered it, I realised two things that immediately discouraged me; it would require further interaction, likely on a much more personal level, with the women at day care, and secondly, I had little to nothing to say.

The idea of putting all that effort into learning a language when I basically had nothing I wanted to say to anyone, and potentially if I did find something my opinion would largely be invalid due to my perceived age, completely put me off. Learning the language would be opening myself up to understanding the cringeworthy patronising way most adults spoke to children.

My parents had never spoken to me like that, and so it had been an unpleasant shock when I had first entered school as an actual child. To have a team of adult women teaching me, and patronising me, and thinking genuine opinions and concerns and ideas that I had put thought into were dismissible, sometimes cute and sometimes precocious, I found incredibly revolting at the time.

I didn't have the patience for it as an adult. I would probably have a fucking rage attack. And then be written off as having had a tantrum. And then try to stab a bitch.

And although I was sure DFB would be far less inclined to completely patronise me, that would require him to actually talk to me, and spend time with me. Yeah, no.

Having nixed the idea of learning to talk, I chose instead to learn to read. My eyesight had improved significantly over time, and although it wasn't quite as good I had had in my last life, I was sure it would get there eventually.

I walked, still a little wobbly, up to the closest book I could find - slightly roughed up and dirtied, but still workable - carefully sat on my butt, grabbed the book, and shuffled my way to an unoccupied corner of the room, that was largely out of sight.

I sat there, holding the unopened book, with a picture of a smiling mother and father holding their happy baby, and a dog sitting by their feet. I was hit, suddenly, with a moment of realisation, that anyone looking into my new life would think that I was a four month old baby, abandoned at day care everyday, hidden in a corner away from everyone else, trying to teach herself to read. For some reason, the thought made me incredibly sad, and as I ran some fingers over the front of the book, I couldn't bring myself to open it and fulfil that image.

It wasn't like it mattered anyway. Learning to read now, or later.

So instead, I sat silently in my corner, staring at the cover of the children's book, blanked my mind until I felt something almost approaching peace, and thought of nothing, with an occasional interrupted break of reminiscing thoughts about my old life.

I had learned to walk, and it hadn't given me even a flicker of satisfaction. I was done for now. I just wanted to rest.

* * *

Throughout the fourth month I began to teeth, which was a fucking miserable experience. However, I wasn't particularly interested in making my discomfort known to a bunch of annoying adults who would fuss over me and check in on me beyond what they had to.

I simply grabbed DFB's finger when he got close enough for me to do so, and with a slightly disgusted mental grimace, put it into my mouth and gummed on it so that he could feel the teeth coming through. He wasn't exactly pleased by the saliva covering his finger. But then I wasn't exactly giving a shit.

I must have gotten my message across though, because he had a conversation with the women at day care, which hadn't happened in a while, and came back that evening with a rubber shuriken ( _seriously?_ ) for me to chew on. It was the only baby item I had ever shown a real interest in using throughout that entire time. I gummed the fuck out of that thing until my jaw ached.

* * *

When I entered the fifth month, the same book still unopened in my lap, still spending my days either improving my hand eye coordination, my balance and my manoeuvrability, or otherwise in my corner daydreaming, I realised I was probably on my way to having a problem.

The issue was that I just didn't give a fuck. There was absolutely no point in doing anything else, and I had no desire to add anything new to my daily habits.

* * *

During the fifth and sixth months, my diet was changed, as bit by bit, the women added blended fruits and rice and vegetables and other flavours that I didn't recognise at all one by one, attempting to find out what I liked and didn't like. Unfortunately for them I couldn't bring myself to care a single fucking bit about what I was eating, and how these new taste buds I had registered different foods.

I approached the discoveries with zero enthusiasm, blank faced and mechanically allowing each mouthful, with no purpose other than to stop myself from starving.

* * *

The seventh month passed and my next lot of teeth came in, my sleep schedule changed slightly, I didn't open the book, I practiced moving and balance and dexterity, I tried new foods with a blank face, and sat and daydreamed during the day and lay there and day dreamed in the room with DFB nearby in the evening. He finally trusted me not to wet myself, and removed the cloth tortures entirely from my wardrobe - the next day he dressed me in a pair of underwear, and I didn't bother wondering where he had gotten such a tiny size from.

That deep, dull resignation that had plagued me almost since the start grew more poignant day by day, and smothered me, until it lay like a heavy blanket over my chest and stomach. It was as though there was a thick pane of glass between my mind and reality, to the point where sometimes I wondered if it was all just a simulation - just a virtual reality game, where the people weren't really people and the world wasn't really there. If it was just me and my thoughts, and when I died everything would shut down and cease existing too.

* * *

The eighth and ninth month passed similarly, and I lived and breathed an all encompassing sadness. I woke up disappointed that I had woken up at all, passing my days in a forgettable haze, and went to sleep glad that I could find a little bit of solace in the stories that awaited me.

* * *

In my tenth month, I transitioned to one nap in the afternoon, sleeping through the night and largely eating normal food, with some milk still. I was able to use the child sized toilets at day care with only minimal help and supervision. I practiced and got better at moving around, reacting in time to things, dexterity, and flexibility with no enthusiasm. At this point it was just something to do to burn the young energy I was filled with.

* * *

By the eleventh month I was wondering why I was still doing this to myself. I felt the approaching anniversary of my arrival here with defeat, and realised I couldn't do this for another year. I had chosen to give this life a go out of consideration for DFB's shitty past experience with family. But it had been almost a year and I barely even knew him. So why was allowing myself to continue on this miserable existence for someone I felt next to nothing for? I was so numb and sad these days that I had no room to feel anything for anyone.

I realised it might just be better in the long run, if this was all that was waiting for me, if I just ended it as early as possible. I spent the vast majority of my time with other children my physical age, and although I was sure long term memory wasn't a thing yet at that age, I didn't want to risk it, in case chakra changed shit. I didn't want to traumatise other children if I could help it.

So I made up my mind to wait and take advantage of the first opportunity that occurred to me outside of day care, aware that it may be a while. In the mean time I continued on as I had been, but with a semblance of contentment and peace now that there was an end in sight.

And then the twelfth month came around, DFB moved us unexpectedly into a flat with more than one room, and everything went a bit tits up.

* * *

 _So for those who found it unclear, yes Subaru is super depressed right now. She's lost everything, and despite having come to terms with that a little, she's still quite fucked up about it. Not only that, but she basically accidentally on purpose isolated herself which, whilst understandable, ain't healthy. Especially when she has no established support system in place for her mental health._

 _For all that she's convincing herself she's basically just doing anything she can for a scrap of independence, she's also allowing herself no social interaction, which after a year, is gonna lead to some mental not okayness. She's too deep in depression to see that logically though._


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs

Hey everyone, I just sort of realised, that although the rating will eventually go up, it may make the story a tad easier to find if until then I keep it to T, that's why it's going down for now.

To be honest, this chapter annoyed me a little with how often I found my self writing some variation of 'I didn't care' or 'I ignored what was going on around me' but at the end of the day, I've been extremely depressed before, and that was my genuine experience. It's not fun being depressed, and can actually be in some ways an incredibly boring experience that sort of just doesn't stop, even when you're sick of being depressed.

I felt like I used a lot of words to describe things on repeat, but I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep, so wrote this instead. So it doesn't surprise me that my vocabulary was limited, and some words were probably used too many times.

Next chapter will be some Kakashi pov I think

As always, let me know what works for you, and what doesn't work so well, as well as general thoughts, and any scenes of prompts you would be interested in seeing going forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 6 - Say Something I'm Giving Up On You**

I didn't know the exact date that I had first woken up in Konoha, but I knew that the one year anniversary was sometime within the the next ten days.

I was languishing in my corner, unopened book dwarfing the still disconcertingly small lap, and sinking into the depths of my thoughts, when something unprecedented occurred; DFB turned up early.

Or perhaps it was more accurate to say he turned up at an average time, alongside many of the other parents. I blandly noticed afterward, that the other young toddlers spotted their mothers and fathers approaching them, with sweet little smiles of recognition, and squeals of excitement, with their parents often bending down to swoop them up into loving hugs, and act as though their babies' babbling was the most interesting thing in the world, and DFB's contrasting approach to me really couldn't have been more different.

He approached me quietly enough that I didn't take notice of him at first. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that I was pointedly not paying too much attention to the other adults in the room. I wasn't sure what first made me realise he was stood beside me, only that something interrupted my daydreaming, and made me slowly drag my eyes away from the wall in front of me to find out what.

Upon seeing DFB, a flicker of confusion went through me, but dissipated quickly. I had rarely experienced anything more vivid emotionally than a fleeting presence for some months. He watched me silently for long seconds that would have dragged on awkwardly if I had had the mind to care more about social conventions.

I was unable to decipher his thoughts from the small patch of his face that I could see, and when he made no move to do anything, I gave up waiting and turned back to the wall. I considered that perhaps he was here to let the women know he was on a multiple day mission.

I had seen a fair few occasions where the shinobi parents couldn't make it back to their child in time due to missions, or injuries, and the day care centre had an overnight system set up for that. I didn't know how long they would look after children for, but DFB hadn't required it so far.

I was jolted from my musing by DFB's hands wrapping around the little torso and lifting me into his arms. The familiar book I was holding dropped from surprised fingers and clattered onto the floor, capturing his attention. He bent down to pick it up, and read the front cover out loud.

DFB made a contemplative noise, before saying something. It sounded like it was directed toward me, but I found that unlikely based upon experience. Even if it had been I wouldn't have known what he was saying, and so I acted as though he hadn't said anything, instead quietly appreciating his familiar smell, which by now reminded of the room and bed, and the comfort of sleep.

I zoned out after that, heaving a tired sigh and vaguely wondering if the early pick up meant that DFB would feed me. Did he even know I was almost entirely eating tiny portions of solids now? Well, even if he didn't, it wouldn't kill me to drink milk for one evening.

I closed my eyes and felt comfort in the wind rushing past my face during our journey back to the room, drifting off into my thoughts once more.

It was only when we entered through the window of an apartment, and I immediately noticed a lack of familiar scent saturating the place that I opened my eyes. We weren't in the room, we were in someone's home. The place was kitted out fairly simplistically, and I noticed straight away that whoever the place belonged to also had a young child, judging by the small amount children's books and toys I saw tucked away in one corner.

Taking stock of the room we were in with a sweep of my eyes I spotted a modest television, low set table and sofa, shelves, a couple cupboards and drawers, an open plan space that allowed me to also see the kitchen cordoned off by raised counter tops, and what looked like a sliding door out onto a plant filled balcony.

It was simple, a little worn, but all in I found it to be fairly beautiful. For all that I had a slight appreciation for the space, I had no desire to meet or interact with whoever lived in it, and promptly closed my eyes once more in the hope that I gave 'fuck off' vibes.

Then an uncomfortable clearing of the throat vibrated through DFB's chest, and he began to talk, sounding incredibly awkward, hesitant and sheepish. My eyes shot open in surprise, wondering who he was talking to. He was rubbing the back of his neck with one free hand as he spoke, but I couldn't see anyone else.

Was he... talking to me? Voluntarily? I kept my eyes open as continued to talk, surprise at the almost unprecedented event capturing my attention. He began to walk around the room pointing out things as he spoke, and although I didn't bother looking at where he was gesturing, I did focus nearly my entire attention on the sensation of his voice vibrating through his chest and against me.

DFB walked through a door leading to a small light filled hallway, with two doors in it. The first one was opened to reveal a clean bathroom, much more personal looking than the one opposite the room we stayed in, as well as a fair bit larger, with a bath as well as a shower, which the bathroom we used was missing. I also spotted a small pair of steps leading up to the toilet, which I assumed was for the kid. The second door showed a bedroom.

It was when I saw the bedroom, with shelves holding the Icha Icha series, photographs of DFB's old team on it, and Mr. Ukki that the dots finally connected for me.

This was DFB's new flat. I was a little confused about the sudden change in both residence, and behaviour from DFB, but I chose not to question it too strongly, considering I didn't plan to be around for long enough to assuage any curiosity I felt.

DFB was still talking, although he seemed to quickly be running out of things to say, as his sentences increasingly trailed off. I didn't mind, in fact the novelty of him talking had worn off quickly and I was impatient to be put down and left alone once more.

The room was larger and nicer than his last one, and the mattress was larger too, although some of the furniture was familiar. I didn't see anything resembling a crib, so I assumed that for now at least, I would remain in a corner of the mattress with a blanket, closest to the wall and with DFB between me and the doors and windows.

Despite the change of scenery, DFB placed me on the bed as per usual, and left the room to remove the disguise he continued to wear to pick me up and drop me off from day care. The only difference was that he placed me in the middle of the bed, instead of the corner.

I figured it didn't matter much, and allowed the time to blur by as usual, until he returned. Or not, considering he now had a sitting room to relax in, instead of being forced to spend all his time in the same room as me.

However, he did return, and then, since the day seemed determined to be full of surprises, he picked me up once more, and continued his awkward one sided conversation.

I internally sighed with exasperation, but made now outward sign of my mild irritation. He took us back into the sitting room, and approached the corner with the small selection of baby items.

It only then occurred to me that they were for me, and I wondered if someone press ganged DFB into buying them for me, since he had shown no inclination to do anything similar to it for an entire year.

His talking sounded like a slightly more confident and enthusiastic version of his usual lazy tone once he got near them, and began to pull out a new folded up blanket, a baby book and a selection of baby toys.

He placed the blanket on the floor in front of the sofa and the toys on top. After that I went belly down on the blanket too, with the toys before me. DFB crouched back, with his weight on his ankles, beside me and continued talking.

After a few moments of me not paying any attention, I heard more than saw him pick one of the toys up and shake it slightly near my ear. I ignored him until he put it down again, and then I ignored him some more.

Whatever this was, I didn't have the emotional energy for it, and I couldn't be bothered with playing along with whatever weird ideas DFB had decided to get into his head regarding our roles toward each other.

At this point, the shit-all that we had worked fine for me and I wanted to keep it that way before I died again.

He sighed above me when I made no sign of acknowledging him, and turned to sit back against the sofa. After a few minutes further I saw him fish out his precious Icha Icha and continue reading.

With the dynamic between us back to a state of order and balance once more, I allowed myself to fall in the haze of my thoughts and waste the time away for the next few hours.

As soon as I found my bladder begin to feel uncomfortable, I almost opened my mouth to inform DFB of our by now seamless and almost unthinking messaging system, that was still just 'AH', however that was when I remembered steps in the bathroom, and realised I no longer had to rely on him for that.

It was with a surprising amount of relief, that I knew my last however-long-it-would-take would be filled the maximum amount of privacy as I could get, regarding bodily functions at the physical age I was.

Not wasting any time, considering this wouldn't be the usual hasty dash with adult sized footsteps, I pushed myself onto my feet with little difficulty, and toddled off in the direction that I remembered the bathroom being.

I didn't pause when I heard DFB's shocked noise as I got to my feet, since I recognised that this was the first time he had ever seen me walk, but it did annoy me slightly when he followed behind me, considering where I was going.

I was glad that the door had been left open to the hall, although I grudgingly admitted I needed DFB's presence for the door to the bathroom. When he followed me inside though, I put my foot down.

I turned to him, realising I didn't have the words to say what I wanted, and I didn't want to show the intelligence to gesture to him to fuck off. Instead, I walked up to him and gently(ish) began to push at his shins.

I continued to push, and eventually he allowed me to back him up until he stood just outside of the bathroom, and then closed the door to, leaving a tiny gap so that I could open it again without needing to reach the handle.

With a sigh of near contentment at my first moment of privacy in a bathroom, I carefully took the stairs two feet at a time, and had a quiet thought that it probably didn't count as real privacy, since DFB was likely right outside the door hearing exactly what I was doing.

Also, I realised, I would still need his help washing my hands each time.

Afterward, I made my back to the blanket, and lay back down on my front, with my head turned away from the sofa, so that I could go back to my own world and ignore DFB.

Despite the fact that I couldn't see him, when he too sat back down, the lack of pages turning as often told me that he was watching me more closely than before. It didn't worry me, as long as he left me alone, and I continued to think and doze slightly.

Not too long later DFB got up to make food, which actually took an incredibly short amount of time, until I realised that that he was serving up food from a store bought bento box for me, and eating takeaway himself.

Everything in it could be eaten with a spoon, which I was mildly thankful for, since I had mastered that utensil, but hadn't quite gotten the chubby fingers to cooperate with chopsticks just yet without making a gross mess.

We ate in silence, DFB eyeing me fairly blatantly over the low table we sat at. I continued the trend of ignoring him, and ate mechanically until I wasn't hungry any more.

As soon as I finished, I didn't wait to make my way into the bedroom, and stayed there, sat by the bed and lost in daydreams until DFB came to check on me shortly afterward, changing my clothes and lifting me onto my corner of the bed with the blanket I always slept with.

I lay with my head facing away from him, and closed my eyes, urging sleep to come before my day could get weirder.

Warm rough fingertips woke me up at some point in the night, gently stroking over the back of the small hand, down to the fingers, and then into the half curled palm. I kept my eyes closed and pretended it was just my imagination.

* * *

If I thought the schedule I knew like the back of my hand by now, would continue on as normal despite the anomaly, I was wrong. The next day, to my bafflement, we didn't go into day care at all.

I woke up desperate for a piss, and starving hungry, clambered down off the end of the bed and rushed to the bathroom. DFB had clearly been woken up by my movements, because he was waiting when I was finished to help me wash my hands.

He then went back to the strange habit of talking to me, as he picked me up and placed me back on the blanket in the sitting room, with a new selection of toys.

Periodically throughout the day, DFB seemed to take it upon himself to talk to me and attempt to capture my interest in one activity or another, from book reading, to toy playing, to TV watching. I wasn't keen on any of it, and continued my practiced habit of daydreaming, only bothering to move to eat and go to the bathroom.

I also got better at tuning DFB out entirely, so that by the next day, when he still showed no sign of taking me to day care, I knew that even if he spent all day trying to chat my ear off, I wouldn't have any trouble getting caught up in the comfortable fugue of my daydreams.

Day three consisted of DFB taking me on an outing for the first time in this life. I attempted to summon up some genuine enthusiasm for the brand new experience, but couldn't sustain it for long enough to even arrive. We stopped in a field with trees, a river and some rocks nearby. Although at first glance things seemed completely natural, I realised everything looked just a little bit too perfectly placed, and that the lack of people but signs of wear and tear dotted about suggested that we could well be in a training ground.

I guessed it made sense if DFB wanted complete privacy.

For all that a part of me found the scenery stunning, I couldn't feel it on any level, and felt no urge to get up and explore it. I lay on the blanket he had put down, face down to block out the sun, and continued what I did every day.

By day four I guessed that DFB had finally given up whatever experiment he had been trying, because that morning I found myself back at day care. I expected to be dropped off and left there as per usual. What I did not expect was DFB keeping me in his hold and having intense conversations with all of the women there, that lasted what felt like hours.

Whatever he had discovered seemed to perturb DFB, because rather than bugger off, leaving me behind for the day, he was back within the hour, and taking me to the new apartment, where I discovered he had bought a full bag of books that all seemed to have a picture associated with babies and parents on the front.

He spent the rest of the day flicking rapidly through the books one after the other, sometimes two at once, while I lay there occasionally watching him, but mostly half dozing.

* * *

The next day showed no signs of being less annoyingly strange. After we had both eaten, and DFB had spent a few hours reading more of the books he had bought, he went into the hall for a few minutes, and came back in his familiar disguise. He packed The Bag, which I hadn't seen for a few months, with a spare change of clothes, some snacks and water, a blanket and a few toys.

Picking me up in one arm, he left via the balcony and it wasn't long before we arrived in a park filled with young children. Most of them were physically a year or two older than me, but I saw one or two who looked about one year old.

Initially, I expected a day similar to the one spent in the training field, but apparently DFB was more determined to get his own way than that. Within a few minutes he was poking and prodding at me, talking irritatingly peppily all the while. The poke and prods advanced to nudging when the pokes elicited no reaction from me. When I still didn't move from his nudges, DFB heaved a sigh and physically picked me up.

I was tempted to give him an unappreciative glare, but lacked the energy for it, instead I limply dangled in his hold, until he transferred his grip to my hands which felt... weird, since he rarely touched my bare skin for any length of time. He stood up, bent over slightly, refusing to let go of my hands until I was forced to support myself on my feet.

He slowly walked me off the blanket and onto the grass, his grip on me ( _he's not holding my hands like a parent He's not_ ) helping to account for the seconds it took for me to adjust to the suddenly uneven ground. I was a touch more wobbly than usual, thanks to the uneven surface, which I was out of practice walking on. Too busy concentrating on not losing my balance, I didn't notice at first that DFB was taking us further away from the blanket, until we approached a tree, where he softly let me sink to the ground.

I looked in his general direction for a sign of what I was supposed to be doing, but when he once more began talking, I turned my attention inward, waiting for things to either make themselves clear, or for us to go back to the blanket, or better yet the apartment.

When none of those things happened, I gave up waiting, since the ground was mildly uncomfortable, and got up to make my way back to our things myself. I didn't even get a quarter of the way before I was picked up and placed back by the tree.

I tried this twice more, in an attempt to get my desires across. DFB was either being incredibly obtuse or didn't give a shit, because he kept picking me up and dropping me back by the tree until I gave up and sat down again.

I picked at the grass by my side, bored and aggravated, until DFB finished whatever it was he was telling me, dropped a toy in my lap, and went back to sit on the blanket, watching me as I sat there sullenly, with a blank face.

I held out for around twenty minutes, before my building irritation and boredom, as well my cold and numb butt had me deciding I'd had enough, and got up to make my way back to where DFB had half his attention on Icha Icha.

However, as I was walking, I forgot to account for tree roots and how large they'd be compared to the body I had, seeing as I was used to them being much smaller in my original body. My foot caught on a root sticking out of the ground, and I fell forward, sticking my hands out to catch myself.

I felt a sharp pain, and a strange, disturbing feeling in my hand that I'd never experienced before in either lives so far. It took a couple of seconds to regain my bearings, and reluctantly look at my right hand. A long thin needle like piece of metal was sticking out of my hand, and for a moment I couldn't reconcile the image to figure out what had happened, until I allowed my brain to interpret what I was seeing properly, and realised that it had gone _through_ my hand, entering through my palm from where it was sticking out of the dirt, and exiting out the back.

I froze, unsure what I was supposed to do, before realising I'd have to pull it out of the dirt without jostling my injured hand too much, and show DFB, who'd have a better idea.

A deep throbbing pain within my limb was quickly making itself known, radiating across the entire area, to accompany the sharp ache. Biting my lip to stifle the whines that wanted to escape the back of my throat, I shuffled closer on my knees, so that I could lift my left hand from the ground without losing balance.

With harsh intakes of breath each time the needle ( _senbon Sometimes people poison them_ ) was nudged from my movements, I braced myself, and committed to a single quick yank of the needle. Wrapping my fingers carefully over what little I could that was still between my palm and the ground, I counted down from three, grit my few teeth and pulled harshly. Thanks to my sweaty fingers, it didn't come free as easily as I'd hoped, but the ground wasn't too hard, and I managed.

The harsh pain radiating through my entire hand had me bending over it and cradling it to my chest for a moment, unwilling to move again.

I had only been half facing DFB the entire time, and he finally decided to check out why I was taking so long to get off the ground again. As he made his way over, I became almost reluctant to show him the injury, but I knew that it was an irrational feeling I had when I felt vulnerable from pain.

He crouched down beside me and said something that was clearly a question. I could take a few guesses at what he was asking, and slowly unfurled myself to show him my perforated hand. There wasn't much blood, considering, but there was still enough to steadily drip down the needle and onto the dirt.

DFB inhaled sharply at my injury, his eye widening in alarm and his body jolting. His reaction, compared to my slightly flushed cheeks and set jaw, was almost funny, considering he was a hardened shinobi.

He pulled me quickly into his arms, and in less than a second, he was rushing through the air. It was less than a minute later that we landed outside of a building, where he briskly made his way inside and toward the front desk. With a few commanding sounding sentences, he had a medic making his way toward us.

We were quickly led toward a room close by, where I was sat in DFB's lap, which also felt a bit weird, and the medic had my hand cradled gently within his.

Both men were talking over my head, quietly and seriously, before the medic pulled the needle swiftly out of me without warning. I jumped, as DFB clamped down on me, but had little reaction beyond that.

I was honestly more fascinated by the way the blood steadily dripped out of the tiny hole. I'd always found the colour, warmth and consistency of blood to be mesmerising, and although it generally turned my stomach when it came from animals, from humans was another matter.

The medic continued his soothingly quiet commentary, as he cleaned my small wound, and then, to my complete fascination, the air around his hand lit up with what looked to be a sort of green translucent fire. I realised, as the pain in my limb reduced and the hole closed, that it was medical jutsu.

I had seen chakra used multiple times so far, from DFB using internally it to propel himself across rooftops, to the women at day care using it for relatively small matters, that were only noticeable because I was from a world without chakra.

I had never seen it used so obviously and recognisably ( _amazingly beautifully I feel it It feels so right Like the most natural thing in the world_ ) though, and I couldn't stop staring well after the jutsu had finished, and my injury was gone.

The medic noticed my captured attention, and chuckled, saying something in amusement. DFB replied, sounding weary, and that was that. We left, and I spared a thought to the bag, toys and blanket at the park, as we arrived back on the balcony of our apartment.

I was placed back in front of the sofa, where everything was still laid out, but instead of removing his disguise, DFB went back out through the balcony doors and left. I lay there for a few minutes, thinking back on my reaction to someone else's chakra coming in contact with my skin.

It had felt... like nothing I could describe. Like if bleeding into someone else's body could be both hygienic, clean, and romanticised. Like a part of his essence, the most natural, simultaneously the most human and yet least conscious part of him had touched me. I didn't know why Chakra seemed to largely be a weapon of war when it felt so intimate to be touched by it.

It was like, in that moment, when his chakra had entered my system, I _knew_ him. I knew him on a fundamental level, I saw his existence, I recognised him as a living human, I connected to him in a way I had never experienced before.

It had left me momentarily in awe. Now I mainly felt disturbed. I didn't want to connect like that to a stranger now that I had committed myself to leaving this life. If that happened again I would quickly lose my resolve, living day to day waiting for a chance to feel that fleeting spiritual intimacy again, that at the end of the day was no substitute for the sort of personal connection I was more familiar with from my original life.

It would be a shitty way for me to live. And far too easy to visualise. I realised that if DFB ever did that with me I was fucked. I couldn't let that happen. In something resembling panic, but was actually closer to dread, I stood up, and immediately saw the balcony doors had been left open just enough for me to fit through the gap.

Not taking any more time to think things through, least I lose my nerve, I made my way unwaveringly out onto the balcony, and saw, to my grim satisfaction, that the bars of the rail on the balcony were set far enough apart for me to squeeze through.

My breath caught in my throat, and my mouth was dry, no matter how many times I swallowed. I felt the sweat build on the palms of my hands, and prickle coldly down my back. Despite the adrenaline, and pounding heart, my mind felt numb, in a daze, and everything felt unreal.

I fit myself through the metal bars and stepped up to the edge, knowing better than to take a pause to allow any doubts to set in, then without another thought, I fell forward.

My heart choked my throat as I felt my body tilt toward a ninety degree angle. The adrenaline crashing through my system made time seem suspended during the first second. I slammed my eyes close and the ground rushed up to meet me.

* * *

 _Ah poor Kakashi. Finally trying to be a parent, and just getting no reward for it. What do you think finally kicked his butt into gear?_

 _I know it can be difficult to get a good feel or even like a character they're just super depressed, which is sort of the same in real life. Or at least it is in my experience. When I was depressed I was told it was like I'd died and my body just continued going on an unconvincing version of automatic._

 _As Subaru recovers, and finds a reason to live properly and interact with the world around her, you'll get a better idea of just who she is._


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs

Here's the promised Kakashi pov chapter. It's a lot longer than I thought it would be, so I'm going to write the second half as the next chapter.

I hope this chapter clears up a few things you all probably haven't actually been wondering.

First thing; I would love love love to be able to write decent fight scenes. And I can promise you if I did know how, one of the first things I would do would be to write a really kick ass Naruto story.

Unfortunately, I feel like I would be... not disrespecting... but something along those lines, the culture and the martial arts that is needed to be educated on as basic knowledge behind writing accurate fight scenes. But as it is I don't know anything about weapons- not guns, not blades, not anything, and I know very very little about good fighting. That is why until I know more, I will generally avoid putting myself in a position that I need to write detailed fight scenes.

Another thing, I don't know much about Japan as a culture or a language, and so I'm going to mostly avoid using Japanese words in this story. A couple easy translated words or concepts and one or two honorifics here or there is all you're gonna get.

Sorry for all those that just wanted a resolution to the cliffhanger of the last chapter. Also this is once more an unedited ramble. Read at your own risk.

Finally, thank you for those of you who reviewed! Let me know if what works, or doesn't work for you, or prompts for any scenes you'd like to see going's forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 7 - Mustering Some Tender Charm**

 **-1 year earlier-**

Kakashi leapt from branch to branch on silent feet. His team flanked him as he lead them toward the thief. He didn't let himself get distracted by thoughts about the possible ramifications of what they might find at the end of the mission. He had his orders.

His team paused, hidden in the shadows of the trees, and assessed their surroundings at the same time as keeping their chakra carefully suppressed. They were dangerously close to Kiri, and if they were caught in hostile territory, they would have no choice but to remove all witnesses to their presence, or face the consequences of having Konoha deny all existence of their mission and publicly cut ties with them.

They wore carefully scratched out headbands on the off chance that one of them was captured, so that the ramifications did not fall on their village- they would go down in the books as rogue traitors. Kiri was currently a boiling pot of self destruction, and the last thing Konoha wanted to do was poke that ants nest with a stick.

Using hand signs to communicate that the coast was clear to each other, Kakashi gave the go ahead for them to enter the run down building.

According to their sensor, there were only two targets inside, with the priority being the thief. With one member left outside to warn them of ambushes and traps, the rest swiftly entered through two different unsecured windows. He considered the thought that the lack of security might be suspicious, but when he saw how easily accessible the rest of the place was, he realised their thief had been cocky- not expecting them to be so determined and able to track what was stolen from them down.

The building was empty, despite clear signs of used equipment, and suffering of people trapped inside the place. His team efficiently cleared the rooms out, sealing documents and files relevant to their mission into scrolls. They discovered soon enough where the people had gone whose lives had been smeared across the walls and equipment in spatters of blood and filth stains.

It was a single room filled with naked women. They were all dead. They all looked emaciated and abused -many with clear signs of infected wounds that had festered away until death.

Tenzō approached from the doorway, handing over a file. Before Kakashi could say anything, the contents was summarised for him.

"They were all pregnant. The facility was stretched too thin to accommodate for their needs of an accelerated gestation period. Their funds were too low, their supplies weren't enough, the hygiene was too difficult to maintain with only two people. They knew the mortality rates would be high, so they gave up on the subjects who showed signs of weakening, and threw everything they had at the few who had a chance of surviving.

"They sourced genetic material from multiple countries. Konoha was the only infiltrated hidden village from which material was successfully stolen."

From the corner of his eye, he could see Yūgao's revulsion radiating from her tense posture, as she identified the small signs on the bodies of their pregnancies. Even Tenzō showed small giveaways of being mildly perturbed.

"Focus, Neko," he reminded her mildly, "Tenzō, does it say if there were any survivors?"

Yūgao's shoulders relaxed slightly, as she returned to focussing on her sensor abilities, ensuring that the two targets remained where they were.

"None of the pregnant women survived. However, there are inconsistencies in the reports about what happened two sets of genetic material; one from a female from Yugakure, and another from Konoha."

"Thank you, Tenzō. Does it specify who?" Kakashi didn't admit, even to himself, that he uttered a silent prayer that it was either from the Nara or Inuzuka clan member, of the three samples that were stolen from their hospital.

"No."

"Let's handle the targets, then. Neko?"

"They haven't moved. No sign that they know we're here."

On Kakashi's go ahead, the team approached the one door that they had left alone for now, thanks to the effective, if crude, fuuinjustsu traps around the frame. At a closer look, he saw that they were older than he had at first thought, having more recently been tampered with by an amateur who barely knew what they were doing.

The newer touch to the seals frankly made the things closer to a bomb waiting to go off than a barrier. Of course, that didn't make it any less dangerous, and had Kakashi not been on the team, they could very well have been stumped by it, and been forced to wait for the targets to exit the room.

As it was, despite being nowhere near a master at seals, it was relatively easy for Kakashi to find the weak point in them, and unravel the whole thing. They didn't waste any time entering, and before the occupants could react, the one assistant was dead by a blade to his throat.

The young man toppled over unceremoniously, where he lay face down on the floor with blood rapidly pooling underneath him. Hōzuki Kasumi, their main target, was engaging Tenzō, and doing a surprisingly good job at holding up against him, considering she was supposed to be a B rank shinobi, and mostly for her ability with chemicals and poisons. Clearly she'd improved since then.

She wielded her poison tantos with an impressive speed, using the loose material of her clothes to help disguise and confuse her movements. Unfortunately for her, they weren't there for a drawn out match of skills. Their priority was speed and efficiency.

When it was clear that Tenzō and Hōzuki were too closely matched, he used wood release to block her strike, and kicked her back, allowing Kakashi to take over.

She fought with a relentless tenacity that Kakashi could respect, but although she had the slightest edge on speed over him, he clearly held the superior skill overall. Within less than a minute, it was obvious what the outcome would be to both shinobi. Kakashi took advantage of the smallest holes in her defence, and even some that most would claim didn't exist, wearing her down one strike at a time, until she faltered. He went in for the kill without hesitation, his blade piercing her side in a sweeping curve, her eyes widened and she froze. Quicker than the average eye could follow, his left hand grasped a kunai from his belt, and slammed it through her eye socket, into her brain.

He sealed the body, and wiped his blade and kunai clean, leaving his hand soaked in cooling blood, then released a steady breath, "Neko?"

"There are no shinobi left, but I can sense a small chakra presence at the back of the room. About the size of most civilians. It hasn't moved." Kakashi could practically hear the rebuke she had for herself in her voice, that she hadn't noticed the small signature earlier, but he didn't bother saying anything. She would learn from her mistake and do better next time.

Leaving Tenzō behind to continue sorting through and sealing the files in the room, Kakashi followed Yūgao to where she sensed the chakra coming from. In the back of his mind, he already knew what they would find- the results of the unaccounted for stolen material.

They came across a door hidden in the back of the room, once more without seals or traps, and opened it. It lead to a small room, cleaner than any of the others, with little in it beyond an empty vat of viscous liquid and medical equipment that was being used to monitor the one living being in the room.

Yūgao inhaled sharply at the sight, and even Kakashi froze for a brief second. Lying in a small bed, hooked up to wires and a various drips, was a baby. There was a moment of silence as they stared, before Kakashi's orders resurfaced in his mind.

"Neko, go through whatever notes you can find. Figure out if the experiment can be moved safely," he commanded, already starting on some documents he had spotted on one side of the room.

"Captain?" She asked, already following through on his orders.

"We were tasked with destroying anything Hōzuki stole, and eliminating those who could have found out about any clan secrets through said stolen genetic material, as our first priority. Our second priority was to retrieve any results from potential experiments using what she stole. That looks a lot like the results of an experiment to me."

There was a pause, "yes, Captain."

It wasn't long before Kakashi found what he was looking for, and told Yūgao, "it's sedated. We should be fine to move it, as long as we make our way back as fast as possible before it wakes up. Remove any wires attached, wrap it up, and give it to Kō to protect. I'll seal the remaining files."

The rest of the mission continued with little fuss, and Yūgao had the baby wrapped up in a blanket within a few minutes. Tenzō and Kakashi swept the area clear of any of any information about the experiments that could be found, before Kakashi signalled to take their leave.

"Should we do something about the bodies, Captain? Some of them were women from villages in Hi no Kuni, we could take them back to be identified."

"No," he replied unemotionally, "the foetuses within their bodies potentially contain sensitive information. There are too many of them to take back to Konoha, and so they are outside of our mission parameters. They'll burn alongside the facility."

Tenzō nodded once, and they moved on. The rest of the mission was thankfully filled with no shocks or surprises. They burnt the building to the ground, and raced back to Konoha, with Kō carrying the child.

They made it back within a record time, tired, but more than willing to push themselves if it meant someone else had hold of the baby before it woke up.

The team reported straight to the Hokage, thanks to the remarkable lack of injuries, and debriefed, whilst the Hokage showed his fantastic poker face when presented with an infant alongside the sealed scrolls containing all of the information that could be found at the facility.

"Thank you Inu, if you could hand in the report directly to me tomorrow. Team Rō, well done. You are all examples of what our shinobi should aspire to be. Inu remain, the rest are dismissed for the evening."

The two waited until the room had cleared out, before Sarutobi took a deep breath, and peered at Kakashi with his too discerning eyes.

"Do you know who's genes went into making this child?"

"A woman from Yugakure was where the egg came from, I don't know who. One of our shinobi made up the other half."

"If you knew for certain I'm sure you would have included it in the initial debrief, Inu. I'm asking you to make an educated guess."

Kakashi paused, before reluctantly continuing, "there were references in the files about a woman from Yugakure, but we know that none of the other hidden villages were successfully stolen from, unless the information regarding that has changed..."

"No, Hōzuki is still being dealt with by Anko, but I believe we've gotten everything from him that we can. He was Hōzuki Kasumi's only living relative, and she reached out to him when she discovered he was an orphan in Konoha, working in our hospital. It was a fortuitous set of circumstances that she successfully took advantage of."

"Aa, then, we have two contradicting facts. That Yugakure was stolen from, and that it wasn't. Unless it was somewhere near to Yugakure. However, I don't think it was a village nearby, because the documents made it very clear that the sample was chosen for it's superior potential."

"Yes? Continue on Inu, I'm merely asking for a guess. There's no need to be certain of your answer."

"Well, the only place near Yugakure that comes to mind is Jigogudani... but..."

"But the Chinoike clan is considered long dead. Well, we shall see. And the Konoha shinobi?"

"I couldn't say Hokage-sama," Kakashi stubbornly replied.

"Hmm, thank you Inu, I'll see you tomorrow before noon, with your report."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

Kakashi tried to put the nagging thoughts that plagued him to the back of his mind, but that night he got little sleep, and not even Icha Icha could distract him for long. He hoped, despite the pit in his stomach, that a new child would seamlessly appear amongst the Inuzuka or Nara children, and that would be that.

* * *

The next day, donning his Anbu gear once more, Kakashi appeared in the Hokage office with his report. Sarutobi was behind his desk, as usual working his way through thick piles of paperwork and making dissatisfied noises deep in his throat.

"Ah, thank you Inu. Place that over there. You won't be needing your Anbu gear or mask for this."

A knot stuck in Kakashi's throat, as he asked, "you wish me to wear my Jōnin uniform Hokage-sama?"

"Yes, if you would."

Behind his blank face, Kakashi tried to come up with any reason why Sarutobi would need him to be present as Hatake Kakashi, rather than Inu, other than the one thing he fervently hoped it wasn't about.

"Alright," he intoned without emotion, and quickly made his way to his apartment to change and back, within less than ten minutes.

He reappeared in the Sandaime's office, this time through the door, with his book in his hand and his well known casual slouch in place.

Sarutobi was waiting for Kakashi when he returned, with a small file in hand. They both knew that Kakashi was smart enough to figure out what was inside the file, but Sarutobi wasn't allowing him any chance at pretending to be oblivious. He handed it to Kakashi, and waited for him to read it.

The information inside was succinct, and although it didn't take him long to understand it, Kakashi avoided looking up, as though he could deny reality if he just kept staring at the paper in front of him.

"She's yours," Sarutobi prompted.

"It's not mine," Kakashi immediately rebutted. Of course he understood that he had contributed half of what made up the baby, but that didn't make it his.

"You're her only known relative. As far as the medics can tell, she's mostly a completely normal human being."

"Mostly?" He asked, ignoring the first part.

"Hōzuki intended for the child to become an elite weapon. I believe she hoped that by using parents that had at least one blood limit, she could repeat her success to help bolster the forces of the rebels in Kiri's civil war. From what we know of her now extinct clan, they were bitter about the fact that they weren't considered amongst the highest caste in Kiri, due to politics during the village's inception."

"If her contributions became an instrumental reason for the rebels' success she'd be guaranteed a position of respect when she restarted her clan," Kakashi finished, the dots connecting in his mind, "she was being funded by the rebels?"

"Yes, it's why the funds were so limited."

"Do you intend to use this as a reason to get Konoha involved?" If Konoha became the deciding factor over the winning side, it could ensure Kiri became firmly under Konoha's thumb for decades to come, and prevent the notoriously aggressive country from seeking war once it stabilised. Additionally, with Kiri as an ally, it would further consolidate Konoha's position as the most powerful hidden village, and prevent other countries from seeking war with them.

"No," Sarutobi replied, "the countries have all agreed not to get involved, least it look like we intend to begin asserting power over other countries with the intention of invading. If we get involved, we can guarantee Kumo will feel threatened and support the opposing side. We still haven't recovered from the Kyūbi attack, and I have no intention of throwing the lives of our shinobi away for a fight that isn't ours."

"So you'll do nothing?" Kakashi carefully kept his disapproval from his voice.

"I didn't say that," the Sandaime eyed Kakashi knowingly, "from what we could tell, from the information team Rō provided, the leadership of the rebels is being run almost solely by an old Kiri Anbu commander. Upon further inspection, I've found him to be traditional in his command."

"You mean old fashioned."

"I mean ineffective. There are many rebel recruits under his leadership with excellent potential and a fresh perspective. I believe it's time they are given a chance to take their rebellion in the direction they desire. Additionally, perhaps it's time for their morale to be given a boost, with both a martyr and a hero that they can rally behind."

Kakashi didn't need it to be spelled out for him- he was being told this, not only because as always, the Sandaime Hokage had hopes of one day being able to step down and pass the hat onto Kakashi, but also because Kakashi was going to be sent back into Kiri with his team, in order to perform an assassination and frame Kiri for it's murder of the rebel leader, at the same time as arranging the situation to allow whoever Sarutobi had chosen to come out looking heroic and powerful enough that they could use their popularity to take over the rebellion.

"In the mean time, I'm going to need you to retire from Anbu, Kakashi," Sarutobi interrupted Kakashi's thoughts with a completely unexpected curveball.

"W-what? But Sandaime..."

He raised his hand up to stop Kakashi from speaking, and assured him, "you've done nothing wrong, Kakashi. But as long as the current rebel leader is in charge, there is always a chance that he knew more than the documents suggested, and will try to collect the child. She has your genes, she belongs to Konoha, but he may not see it that way. She needs someone to protect her. As her father you are the best person to do so, and this way she can also gain legal protection from those who may seek to use her from inside the village."

At the final point, Kakashi's arguments died in his throat. Despite his name not being mentioned, both knew that Hiruzen was referring to Danzō, who would likely jump on the opportunity to train a child with Hatake blood from childhood, using his brutal methods to remove any 'emotional weakness' from her.

"I'm not it's father," he finally replied weakly, "and I don't need to be removed from Anbu, I have enough money to hire a retired shinobi to look after her."

Sarutobi watched Kakashi as he attempted to find more excuses, with an impassive and yet keen gaze, and Kakashi knew he was going to dislike whatever he was about to say.

"I won't lie to you Kakashi, I was looking to remove you from Anbu either way. This merely sped up the process. You are an excellent shinobi, and when I gave you permission to join Anbu, I hoped that it would direct your focus and prevent you from becoming too mired in grief after deaths of Minato and Kushina. However, since Uchiha Itachi's recent massacre of his clan, as the other famous child genius of Konoha, eyes have been on you, looking for signs of instability.

"I don't doubt you would be able and willing to serve in Anbu for many years to come, but I can see what it is doing to you, Kakashi. You have become cold, and emotionally removed, even outside of Anbu. I believe I would be doing both Minato and you a great disservice if I allowed Anbu to strip you of everything too."

"But-"

"Additionally, I need your face back out there more often, amongst Konoha's Jōnin. We are still having difficulty not showing the struggle we faced after the Kyūbi attack, and your increased presence would go a long way to boost our reputation."

Kakashi sighed and slumped, recognising when he was beaten. He could hardly fathom it, being a normal Jōnin again after so many years. On top of that, he was being given a child to look after. He had no idea what to do with a child! He didn't know the first thing about parenting.

"Regarding the child, there are a few things you should know," Hiruzen continued, a touch less sternly.

"What is it?" Kakashi asked wearily.

"Something happened to her brain as a result of the accelerated gestation period. It's altered the growth in ways that our medics haven't seen before. They don't know what sort of effect this will have on her development, but you should be aware that it could well be entirely different from other children."

 _Great_ , Kakashi thought to himself, _not only do I have no idea how to raise a normal child, but I get given one who will probably make any advice useless_.

"Aa, of course," Kakashi sighed, "How am I supposed to look after a child, and be an active presence as a Jōnin on missions?"

Hiruzen had the gall to smirk at Kakashi, "use the first year or so to get yourself back out there, and take advantage of Konoha's child care support system, set up specifically for our shinobi who need to continue working and don't have a clan to rely on."

"That exists?" Kakashi asked weakly.

"Yes, Kakashi. After that, I'll pull some strings to allow you to stay in village as much as you need, to look after her. Look at the bright side, Kakashi. If you wait a few years until it's safe, you can finally announce that you have an heir, and quiet the voices that are constantly pushing you to choose a wife and start a family."

"Maa maa, I could have held them off for decades. They're not that difficult to distract."

"Mm," Hiruzen grumbled, "speak for yourself. Well, I'd suggest you spend the rest of the day, before the child is predicted to awaken, buying yourself some much needed equipment, and asking the medic in charge of her how to go about looking after a newborn baby."

Kakashi nodded once, reluctance coming across in every micro movement of his body, "yes, Sandaime," and then he paused, "did you discover anything about the kid's mother?"

Sarutobi frowned briefly, "we don't know anything more about the girl's biological mother. Only that she had a blood limit. However, the woman who carried her died at the equivalent of four months- she lasted the longest. They used a sort of incubation chamber to continue the child's growth after that. She was only out of the incubator for a few hours when Team Rō found the facility. To discover anything further would require more invasive procedures that I didn't deem necessary."

Kakashi considered that information, bowed, and left.

* * *

Hours later, pumped full with knowledge about the Konoha approved child rearing techniques, and so far outside of his comfort zone, Kakashi practically didn't know what to do with himself, he eyed the intimidating bundle in his arms, that in a fit of desperation, he had named Subaru.

Kami, he hadn't known he'd have to _name_ the baby. It was obvious that that was what parents did, but then he didn't really consider himself the child's parent. Naming it, though. That was like accepting ownership and responsibility over it- which granted, he had, but... he wasn't ready.

The very few times he'd ever given parenting any consideration, it had always been with the assumption that there would be a mother in the picture, who knew what she was doing. He was a shinobi, not a parent. He'd been a shinobi since almost before he could really remember, and it was all he knew.

Of course he knew the most basic things about looking after a baby, like the fact that it needed milk for a while, and that it needed a diaper to be changed for it, to keep it away from sharp objects, and to handle it relatively carefully because babies were fragile and could break easily and _what the hell was he doing accepting responsibility over such a tiny helpless thing?!_

He courted violence and death on a daily basis, not soft little squawky things that needed... other stuff.

He couldn't believe that this was his child. It simply wouldn't click in his mind. He hadn't had months to come to terms with the possibility. It had simply happened, and then landed in his lap.

Before he could panic, Kakashi reminded himself that as a single parent and Jōnin of importance, he was on the top of the waiting list for access to Konoha's day care that catered to shinobi. The wait was only estimated to be one to two days for him, and as women who dealt with children almost everyday, they were far more qualified than he was, to know what to do with Subaru that wouldn't completely screw up her development.

He only had to hold out for two days maximum. She would survive until then, right?

Landing back in his one room apartment, and lying the wrinkly looking thing on her back on his mattress, not on or under the covers, as the medic had told him- and ensuring he was between her and the window and door, so anyone looking to hurt her would have to get past him first- , he paused uncertainly.

He felt like there should have been something more to mark the significance of his child- Kami, _his child_ \- being introduced to his home. But he was exhausted, and he just wanted to sleep while he could, if the suggested feeding schedule was any indication of his imminent insomnia.

So he undressed until he was in his sleeveless top, that kept his face covered, changed into some slightly more comfortable pants, that would still allow for freedom of movement if he was attacked, and slipped under the covers.

He couldn't look away from her though. She was so tiny. It was impossible to imagine her growing up and becoming a normal sized human being. Kami, that would take years. He was going to have to look after her for years.

How was she going to survive that long? What if she died? On a practical level, that would be more convenient for him... but Kakashi already was frightened by the idea, and the fact that such a tiny thing, which couldn't even speak, could hold such a strong grip on his emotions so quickly disturbed him.

She looked so breakable. He wondered if she felt breakable when he touched her. He reached out a slow hand, and as gently as he could, touched her hand. Kami, her skin was so soft and delicate. There wasn't a single mar on her skin. It was smoother than the hands of the most pampered highborn ladies, who hadn't been asked to do a days work in their lives, and avoided the sun during the summer to keep their skin milky pale. And he was in charge of this vulnerable thing's life.

He retracted his hand as though he was damaging her with his touch, and lay on his back- the enormity of the task before him made him feel like he was drowning.

"Shit," he muttered to himself. Just two days, maximum, he reminded himself. He could make it until then.

* * *

Right from the start, Subaru established herself as a strange baby, and revealed the differences between her intelligence and others. Kakashi had been warned that she would likely cry a lot in the first two months, before it toned down a bit. But that for some babies it continued on for longer, and sometimes it was for no reason he'd be able to discern at all.

From the very first night, she let him know when she was hungry with a two consistent noises, rather than crying in order to wake him up. Whilst he quickly became as exhausted as he had predicted, it wasn't the worst he had ever been, and so he could handle it.

Of course, they had a hiccup when he first needed to change her, when she produced some sort of horrific blackish substance that stuck to her and wouldn't come off, vomited all over herself, and screamed so hard and long that he was genuinely worried she'd damage her vocal chords- and that she was traumatised already- and he was doing everything wrong. However, they moved past that, and even in that scenario she showed her intelligence by creating the same set up she had for feeding, with a single consistent noise.

The chance that it gave him to rush her to the "shared" bathroom was a relief, and made up for the fact that he was forced to get far closer to what a human body was capable of producing on a daily basis than he ever wanted to.

Beyond the fact that for the first day or so she cried after each time she had to defecate, she was an incredibly quiet child. Kakashi had been told some horror stories about babies that wouldn't stop crying for multiple inane reasons, and the term colicky had been thrown around, which he still didn't understand, but had quickly learnt to fear.

The one day that he was forced to look after her was thankfully not as arduous as he'd expected. He was stuck inside, with nothing to do but read Icha Icha, which made him restless, but it wasn't any worse than when he was stuck in bed from an injury, and he knew it wouldn't last too long.

She didn't require excessive coddling, or man handling or attention, and mostly left him be, which he was thankful for, because he had no idea how what he would have done if she had needed it.

He would have liked to have said that she was so quiet he could forget she was there at all, but that would have been a lie. She was a glaring presence in the corner of eye, and no matter how much he avoided looking at her or touching her or acknowledging her, it didn't make the fact that she existed and was right next to him any less of a heavy, weighted burden that sat on his mind and chest, and reminded him constantly of the feeling that he was drowning.

He barely managed to read more than a few pages throughout the entire first day, as conflicting thoughts and emotions spun through his head, and made him desire the simplicity of a kunai in his hand, and orders in his mind. The burdens of Anbu may have felt equally as heavy, but at least they were familiar.

During the early hours of his second morning as someone responsible for a child, he received a message from a hawk that his paperwork was ready, and that he could put Subaru into daycare that day. Having collected and looked through the paperwork, he realised with a great sense of relief, that none of it was in his real name. He hadn't even given too much of a thought of going out of his way to hide the fact that Subaru was connected to the notorious Hatake name, which was an evident sign of how much her unexpected presence had thrown him off his game.

It also explained why a hawk had been used to go to his apartment room, rather than a Chūnin or someone from the Genin corps. Never one to throw away an advantage if he could help it, Kakashi dressed in a disguise that morning, rather than going as himself.

As early as possible Kakashi picked up Subaru, and some baby items in the bag he had bought, in case they were needed, and made his way to the day care with the required paperwork. Everything checked out thankfully, and he was escorted to the room that he was told they looked after the youngest children in.

Entering the room, was a little bit like entering hell when he saw just how many babies and children were there. He almost developed a twitch just looking at them all. However, he summoned his focus, and made sure to question exactly what sort of security they employed in the place, in the case of attacks or kidnappers.

After a few minutes of intense questioning, in which he was fairly sure he gave the women the impression that he was overprotective and paranoid- which he was _not,_ it wasn't paranoia when people might actually be out to get Subaru- he was then given a brief summary of the sorts of responsibilities the women would take care of and what Subaru would be learning in the the first two years.

He managed to barter some barrier and protective seals around the building, in exchange for them taking just a few more responsibilities on in terms of looking after her- such as buying her bigger clothes when she grew out of them, if he supplied the ryo, washing her, as well keeping an eye out for any strange or early development and supporting her in what she needed.

Finally, he handed Subaru over to the woman who said she would be looking after the kid for the day, surprised at how conflicted he suddenly felt over leaving her, as she stared up at him in what his irrationally guilty mind was attempting to convince him was betrayal.

Nevertheless, he brushed those feelings off and went back to his apartment to change out of his disguise, and then went straight to the missions desk in order to ensure he 'showed his face' as soon as possible, as had been asked of him. The only concession he made, in response to the nagging guilt in the back of his mind, was to promise himself that he would only take missions he could complete within the day.

Whilst he was fairly certain that Subaru wouldn't know any better in the future, if he spent weeks at a time on missions for the next year... he remembered being a young child, worrying and waiting for days for his father to come home, trying to put on a mature untroubled face.

He more than understood why it had had to be that way, but he didn't want to repeat his childhood. In that, at least, he could do better.

* * *

 _There we go. I actually really didn't expect how much I enjoyed writing in Kakashi's perspective, and I hope you didn't think it was a wildly inaccurate interpretation._

 _Apologies once more that you're all still being left with the cliff hanger of the last chapter. By the next chapter there will be a resolution to that._

 _I hope going back over events that have already happened from the pov of someone else wasn't repetitive and boring, and that it gave some genuine insight into why Kakashi is the way he is toward Subaru so far. Let me know if you'd rather I didn't do that, and I'll avoid it in the future, taking a bit of time instead to weave his POV as it's happening if I want to include it._


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So I said I'd clear up the cliff hanger in this chapter. Turns out I inadvertently lied, because I gotta stop here but I still want to put something up today.

This means more Kakashi pov next chapter too. And instead of it being a clear up in the last few sentences it'll probably happen a lot earlier in the chapter and you get to see whatnot happens afterward, also from Kakashi pov. So you win some you lose some.

I hope I portrayed Kakashi well enough, as well as the way relates to certain people, and I hope it comes across how Kakashi doesn't ever intentionally neglect Subaru.

A completely unedited chapter here, because I'm getting an awful headache and I feel sick. Hopefully more within the next 48 hours though.

Thank you so much those of you who reviewed! As ever, let me know what you liked, what didn't work so well for you, and prompts you'd like me to write about going foward.

* * *

 **Chapter 8 - Smelling Mighty Coffee**

Kakashi found himself a little taken aback by how easily he settled into a new routine with Subaru. The first week found him struggling to fit his new schedule into one day. He stretched himself in order to take care of Subaru's needs at night, as well as fit missions in during the day that would allow him to get back to Konoha on time.

He tried to stick to B and slightly more difficult C rank missions, in order to minimise the risk of unexpected circumstances dragging the mission on for longer than intended. Occasionally he had to go overboard in order to ensure he kept his silent promise, and although his reputation for not letting people die on his watch was reestablished, Kakashi carefully didn't admit to anyone that half the reason he could be so fervent in his protection of his comrades at times, was that he needed them not to impede the timeframe of the missions with inconvenient injuries.

On days that he didn't have missions, Kakashi trained or napped or did other required duties, to make up for his no longer free evenings. There were times when he was almost tempted to pick Subaru up early, but then reality would reassert itself and he'd remember that he would have no clue what to do with her if she was around.

A lot of the time he needed every minute he could get in order to be in top form anyways. The sleep that he was deprived of needed catching up on at some point, so that he didn't begin making mistakes whilst out on missions, and another thing that he hadn't expected was the constant backlog of laundry. He didn't know how babies could go through so many little clothes, but it was like he was always finding more to take to the dry cleaners.

As the weeks went by, and Kakashi became more comfortable with his ability to fit his large list of duties into his tight schedule, he began to find little minutes here and there to begin building something approaching a functioning, if eccentric, shinobi.

He took a moment to eat dango with Anko, or have a quick drink of saki with Tenzō or Asuma when he was off duty, he took Gai up on his ridiculous challenges, he began to find humour in continuously flirting the line between teasing people and being serious in his persona, till he almost drove them mad. He began to read his Icha Icha in public more and more as reactions verged from outraged to exasperated.

He found himself spending short spates of time in the Jōnin lounge, watching the other shinobi and their amusing or serious antics, and sometimes he even managed to take the time to do the occasional distant check up on a certain blond haired budding prankster.

Kakashi began to visit the memorial stone when he could, once more, and finally started to think about Minato-Sensei, and Rin and Obito again. Sometimes it was unbearably painful to remember them, especially Minato-Sensei, who's absence still felt like a bleeding wound at times. But bit by bit, day by day, very gradually, with each memory revisited, and with a small handful of bitterly nostalgic, but cleansing outings with Genma, who was more than happy to reminisce about Minato-Sensei and Kushina, Kakashi began to feel just a little more human.

As unwilling as he was to admit it to anyone, Kakashi needed that first year to recuperate. The heavy weight that had seemed to take up permanent residence within him slowly dissipated. His Jōnin work kept him moving, and acting and working, but he made sure with increasing determination, that come what may, he made it home by 9pm at the latest.

Truthfully though, however much he improved within himself, or found time to build something resembling a patchy social life, or gain friends that he was willing to actually call friends, he still didn't know what to do with Subaru.

He knew vaguely, that in their first year babies didn't do much, but he had expected a little bit more than the nothing she gave. She didn't make a sound beyond what she absolutely had to to let him know she needed something, and she seemed perpetually sleepy.

He was a little lost for words, and one day had passingly asked Mei who worked at day care, if Subaru was active during the day. He was told with great enthusiasm that she was more active than any other child they looked after, and he figured that Subaru spent so much of the day playing and having fun, that he wouldn't hold it against her that she was always too tired to do anything but sleep, or be still by the time he picked her up.

On top of that, she just seemed like a naturally quiet and well behaved child, which he thanked his lucky stars for. It meant that when he spent time with her in the evenings, he could relax and not worry about anything too drastic, beyond the occasional bump or bruise she had, that he always was careful to take note of in case suspicious patterns started showing up.

Kakashi wouldn't have known what to do with himself if he had been landed with an infant that screamed and needed high levels of attention and was clingy or demanding. Looking after Subaru, once he had gotten used to meeting her needs, rarely pushed Kakashi too far outside of his comfort zone. If there were two things that Kakashi knew next to nothing about, it was a civilian's or child's emotional needs, and high levels of physical affection.

Kakashi had never been a civilian, and he could barely comprehend their beliefs, priorities, worries, successes, and emotional reasoning on a good day. He could fake it well enough to get by, of course, like any half decent shinobi. But there was a chasm between copying and responding accurately to certain behavioural patterns, and understanding the thought that was behind them.

In terms of physical affection, Kakashi just didn't do it. The closest he got to affection was a pat on the arm or slap on the back from his fellow shinobi, or sometimes he put up with over enthusiastic female clients attempting to crush him to their bosoms in gratitude- which honestly wasn't all that bad... some of them had very impressive breasts.

And there was no way he was comparing the honey pot missions he was sporadically sent on as affection to compare to what was required with children. That wasn't affection, that was pure and simple seduction.

Instigating contact with Subaru felt like diving head first into a language that he had no previous experience in. He didn't know how much pressure he was supposed to apply, how long was too long, how much was not enough, did he need to hold her or leave her be? Was he supposed to wait until she could remember things first? Where was he supposed to touch her? How? Were there some ways that would inadvertently create long lasting problems for her? She still felt so fragile, that any amount of contact, unless for a direct and specific purpose, honestly felt like he was seconds away from damaging her.

And this wasn't like in training, where experimenting with techniques would only hurt him or a previously informed and consenting colleague if things went wrong. If he fucked up he could ruin his child for life. He tried not to think too deeply on it, because when he did it was terrifying.

So he gradually became comfortable with the small amounts of touching that were absolutely needed from him, and when Subaru didn't show any adverse reactions, he figured that he would stop while the going was good, and not risk anything further.

* * *

The year went by, and he found himself becoming used to her presence, for all that at times he was still caught off guard by the face that he was a parent when he saw her, and it blew his mind all over again. The experience became a little better and easier when she started sleeping more throughout the night, and eventually stopped needing feeding entirely at night.

The only real shocks that he gained were when out of no where Subaru snatched his finger in an astoundingly strong grip and forced it into her mouth; the slobber on his appendage was... unappreciated, but he could feel a tooth coming through and her gum felt slightly swollen so he guessed it was her intelligent way of informing him he could do something about it - and when at one point Subaru grew out of her clothing, so the women went and bought new ones covered in pink and purple patterns, dresses and feminine cuts, frills and cutesy images. She did not look impressed, and he was vaguely horrified. Each item of clothing mysteriously disappeared, much to the women's disappointment.

Walking back into the nightmare that was a shop for babies, with their over abundance of completely unnecessary gear and toys that seemed like they would bury you alive if you knocked the pile over, as well as overly helpful customers who seemed to spend far too much time in the shop in order to ask other people about their children and compare experiences in a subtle and passive aggressive competition, was never going to be a pleasant experience to say the least.

But he saw the rubber shuriken for teething babies and he couldn't resist. Subaru seemed to enjoy it at the very least, and wouldn't let go of it for two weeks.

* * *

Kakashi settled into his role of caretaker, and by the sixth month, had even started to become confident that he could do this. Subaru had become part of his life, and he had become quite fond of her. Yes, at times she seemed to have about the same amount of life and character in her as Mr. Ukki, but then Kakashi was very fond of Mr. Ukki too.

He considered introducing her to his nindogs, but she always acted so still and tired by the time he picked her up, that he thought it would be better to wait until she was older and had a bit more energy to properly meet them.

But all in all, eventually the diapers came off, and Kakashi felt an almost absurd amount of pride in both of them for reaching this point in her life, and when nothing seemed to go wrong with her health, there were never any emergencies, and none of the disasters that he had secretly been worried about occurred with her, he began to get more relaxed about this parenting thing.

And then Gai happened.

* * *

Kakashi was on his way back from a training ground, doing exercises to strengthen his left arm, which he had injured a few weeks back and been told to to use it as little as possible until he was given the go ahead.

"Hey Kakashi!"

Kakashi turned, and saw Guy approaching, in his usual green tracksuit and orange leg warmers.

"Hm?"

Gai came to a stop, and gave Kakashi a giant grin, with his customary wink.

"Congratulations! I wasn't aware that your Springtime of Youth had produced a beautiful blossom! You must be very proud to be able to nurture a bud into the Youthful Flames of Spring!"

Kakashi casually played of the spike of shock that jolted through him, at the fact that Subaru's existence had been discovered by anyone in connection to him. He was incredibly grateful that the vast majority of people wouldn't understand what just came out Gai's mouth, and that they were by an out of the way training field.

"Aa, thank you Gai. How did you find out?"

Gai threw his head back and laughed, with a gregarious guffaw, "your disguise may fool everyone else, Kakashi, but I recognise my Eternal Rival anywhere!"

Some of Kakashi's fears abated, and he released an internal sigh of relief, "so you followed me, and found Subaru."

"Subaru! What a Youthful name! In my desire for us to test our Flames of Youth against each other once more, I followed you to Konoha's day care, where I discovered you leaving your beautiful blossom in their tender care and nurture, for her Youth to grow."

Gai had followed him to the day care while he was on his way to drop off Subaru? He knew better than to underestimate Gai's skills by now, but still... Gai wore a green jumpsuit, and orange leg warmers. He wasn't exactly the most inconspicuous person out there, and Kakashi was supposed to be fairly alert around Subaru so that he could keep her identity a secret and protect her from danger. Clearly he needed to practice his awareness skills more.

"If you could keep Subaru a secret, Gai. I don't want any unnecessary attention on her."

Gai gave Kakashi his nice guy pose, "I will protect your beautiful blossom with my Powers of Youth! Her secret is safe with me, Kakashi! Her mother must be the most radiant of flowers to have captured your h-!"

"Subaru doesn't have a mother-" he calmly interrupted.

He realised what conclusions Gai was jumping to, when tears rapidly began collecting in the corners of eyes, his face creasing with empathetic grief, and quickly crossed his arms in an X.

"No! No, I never knew her. I didn't even know Subaru existed until she appeared in my life one day. It's complicated. And classified."

Gai knew better than most non Anbu members what sort of things Kakashi got up to during his time there, and quickly recognised the link between the age that Subaru looked, and how long ago it was that Kakashi left Anbu.

More serious than he had been so far, he gave Kakashi a small, but no less pleased smile, "I am glad that you have found your Youth once more, outside of Anbu. Your Flames burn brighter now."

Kakashi paused, his eye widened as he assessed himself and realised that he was more at peace now, than he had been in Anbu. He knew he had further to go, but at times he was almost content.

At this epiphany, Kakashi's eye crinkled into something approaching soft, "maa, you think so?"

It was... nice, to here Gai say that, considering he knew that Gai had been asking Sandaime to take him out of Anbu for years, for Kakashi's well-being.

"Most definitely! Now that you have regained your Flames of Youth, you can help fan the Flames of Subaru's own diminished Youth! There is no greater calling than the-"

"Diminished?" Kakashi interrupted with confusion.

Gai faltered for a moment, and then answered with a little less enthusiasm, "Yes, Kakashi, your blossom's Flames of Youth may be low and weak but-"

"There's nothing wrong with her." Kakashi words took on a defensive and protective tone, as he eyed his friend with half lidded irritation.

"Forgive me, my Eternal Rival, but you are wrong. Your beautiful blossom is missing much of her Youth," he replied, a small frown appearing on his face.

At seeing Kakashi's unconvinced demeanour, Gai added, "in my confusion at seeing my Eternal Rival holding a beautiful blossom with him, I watched your Subaru for a short while. She seemed very sad."

"She was crying? That's what babies do, Gai," Kakashi sighed, at having had his worries raised by Gai, only to find out that it was something completely normal. He was tired of the conversation, and so went to continue walking, only for Gai to clarify behind him.

"Not crying. She was very alike my Eternal Rival when sad!"

Kakashi paused again, "like me?" He pondered quietly, "I don't do anything when I feel sad."

"Yes, like that! I wish you luck in nurturing and teaching the next generation of Youth!"

"Hm? Were you still talking?" He asked absentmindedly, as he fished for his Icha Icha. He walked away as Gai cried manfully about Kakashi's hip and cool attitude, his nose in his book.

* * *

Kakashi attempted to forget what Gai had said about Subaru, but the words echoed through his mind throughout the whole day. Why would Subaru be sad? She never complained, she never fussed. No one new had entered or exited her life. There was nothing for her to be sad about. Her life was exactly the same as it had always been.

Despite his attempts at reassuring himself, Kakashi found himself by the window of the day care in a disguise before the end of the day, attempting to get a look at Subaru. It took some minutes for him to find her amongst the hordes of toddlers, but when he did, he was baffled by what he saw.

She was sat there, silently and unblinkingly staring at the wall in front of her, with a blank expression on her face. As Kakashi continued watching, he became increasingly concerned as she did nothing else, barely moving a muscle, for far too long. It was one thing when she was supposed to be exhausted at the end of the day, but every other child was still mostly hyperactive and full of energy.

Kakashi watched her for as long as he could, the weight in his stomach growing larger as she continued to do sit and stare. When he went back to his duties, the image of her sitting far too still for far too long haunted him. Maybe it was a one off, he reminded himself, there was no evidence that she wasn't just having an off day.

When he went to pick her up that evening, and she was handed over to him, he eyed her for a sign of any abnormalities, but she was the same as ever- seemingly exhausted, and still. The same went for the rest of the night, as he watched her carefully out the corner of his eye, while pretending to read. She lay there, looking sleepy and staring off into the distance, the scene took on a foreboding slant, as he considered the fact that maybe that wasn't normal. Maybe there was something seriously wrong with her.

Throughout the next few days, Kakashi found the time to periodically check in on her from a distance. A few of the times, he caught her up and about, but she didn't play with any of the toys or with the other children, instead the motions were repetitive, and more akin to an exercise regime than playing. It was in stark contrast to the other children's hasty and emotion filled movements.

Kakashi found himself sitting next to Gai after one of his ridiculous training exercises.

"Do you think she's just bored?" He asked, seemingly apropos of nothing.

Gai didn't need to ask what he was talking about, and appeared to give it some thought.

"She's more intelligent than other children. She could be bored," he informed Gai. He was certainly bored of other children at a young age, and if she had more intelligence on top of that due to the circumstances of her birth, she could well be finding little stimulation at the day care.

Gai shot Kakashi a smile, "it could well be the case! Perhaps she needs a more personal touch from my Eternal Rival to find her Youth again!"

 _Right, a personal touch. How on earth am I supposed to do that?_ , he thought to himself ruefully.

Then he made the mistake of asking Gai, "what sort of things do highly intelligent babies enjoy doing?"

It began with Gai coming up with the most unconvincing lie ever to do 'research' amongst the Nara clan on Kakashi's behalf, whilst Kakashi hid in the trees, and escalated from there. Kakashi found himself semi willingly caught up in a whirlwind of Gai's enthusiasm.

Some of the man's ideas were ridiculous, and Kakashi managed to avoid the worst of them, however, to his complete bemusement, he ended the day with a new apartment, a bag full of baby toys, the promise from Gai to help him move his furniture early the next day, and the start of what he had begun to call his 'time off' occurring a few days early, by permission from Sarutobi.

He spent the first half of the next day moving out of his old apartment, and into his new one with Gai's help. He spent the time until late afternoon setting up the security of his new place to still account for a soon walking toddler.

Then, he went to pick up Subaru before 5pm for the first time since she was put into day care, feeling oddly nervous, and with Gai's numerous suggestions running through his mind.

* * *

 _So now you know how that all happened. But hey, just because one person is having a really shitty time doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Kakashi is working off of extremely limited information, so of course he's going to come to wrong conclusions in terms of what's best for Subaru._

 _I hope I portrayed Gai and Kakashi well enough. I had a pretty difficult time trying to get Gai down in writing._

 _I swear next chapter will be when we catch up to the present again._


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

cliff hanger over, yay. I'm not thrilled by this chapter, but then one of the reason I'm writing this, is just to get it out, rather than trying to write something of excellent quality.

So very little editing.

I had hoped to move the plot a bit further during this chapter, but it got away from me, and I had to cut it off earlier due to length.

Back to Subaru pov next time. I was tempted to name this chapter tears in heaven, but decided that wasn't appropriate and those of you who would understand the joke would hate me for it.

Kakashi's emotions are a little bit all over the place in this, but it's the first time he's really opening himself up to what he's feeling regarding Subaru.

Within the next few chapters I reckon the happy feels should be picking up a touch.

Thank you so so much for your reviews guys! I read all of them multiple times! As always, let me know what you like and what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 9 - Why**

Kakashi knew that usually, by the time he arrived to pick Subaru up, there were only a few women left who were cleaning up, or on night duty. He had always walked into one or two of them picking up toys, books and socks (Why was it always socks?) and cleaning things up, with one of them toting Subaru around in one arm while they worked.

This time, because he was far earlier than usual, Kakashi walked into the room at the same time as many other parents going to pick their children up. As he scooted past enthusiastic reunions, he steadily made his way to the corner he had frequently spotted Subaru slumping indolently in, his anxiety increasing as he got closer.

Her profile became clearer, and he realised that seeing her so lifeless up close was somehow worse than through the window. He stood over her, watching her, and it hit him just how unnatural the scene looked; her gaze off at the blank wall, dull and spiritless. Once more, Kakashi hoped that this was something that could be cleared up relatively quickly with some one on one interaction suitable for her intellect.

After all, children had short attention spans- even he was somewhat guilty of that as a small kid, and he thought it was likely she would be fairly easily distracted from her disinterest in the world.

As he continued assessing her, attempting to stifle his partially irrational trepidation, she noticed his presence and slowly turned her eyes toward him with a disturbing expressionlessness. He tried to find any hint of curiosity, or happiness within her face, but was left with nothing.

Eventually, she slowly turned her head back to the wall, too quiet and too controlled.

Having had enough of his thoughts blaring through his mind that this was clearly a sign he was a terrible parent, and he had fucked up somewhere regardless of his efforts, he bent down to pick Subaru up. As he did so, the book she had been holding dropped to the floor.

He picked it up and read the title, and realised that this was quite possibly the same book she'd been holding each time he checked in on her. Was it the picture on the front? Did she want a mother? Or was it the happy family interaction depicted? Or perhaps he was right in that she was bored, and this was a sign that she desired the ability to tuck herself away with a book to entertain her mind, but lacked the ability to read.

He wasn't sure, but he'd have some time to find out.

"Teaching you to read shouldn't be too hard. No more than teaching Genma that poison tipped senbon, alcohol, pick up lines, and kunoichi really don't mix well."

Holding her to him, he let the women know he was picking Subaru up early, answered the pre set,

personalised security question, which was changed each day according to his specifications, and made his way back to their new home.

For all that he had lived in his old one room apartment for years, Kakashi had never particularly considered it home. Konoha was his home. His apartment had just been where he slept and recovered from overworking himself, illness and injury. He had barely personalised the place, and the only real mark of ownership he'd bothered with had been when he'd gotten tired of his neighbours taking too long in the shared bathroom of that floor, so he'd trapped the place to high heaven until they stopped using it at all, and had forced two floors to share one bathroom on the level below him.

He never needed to cook, and was happy with store bought cold food, meals out, or if he was feeling particularly lazy, ration bars.

Looking after Subaru for the past year had forced him to spend more time within those four walls, than his entire time living there. He'd known in the back of his mind that he'd have to find somewhere more suitable once she was up and about, but had continued to put it off. The idea of actually creating something that could be called a family home was an incredibly confronting idea for him. The last time he had really had one of those, he'd been a child, and his father had been alive. Without a family of his own to live with, he hadn't ever bothered finding a new home after that.

It was one thing to still be a shinobi doing missions, still reading his Icha Icha, still mostly having the same friends, still working with the same people, and still coming home to the same place, even with the changes having a child added in- in reality, he hadn't been forced to uproot too much of what was familiar to him. Somehow, finding a new place specifically with a child in mind made everything more real. It made him take a look at the life he was living with a new lens- he really was a father now. He had a family again. This was probably the best he was going to get, and looking at Subaru's perpetually disinterest expression, he realised he had to make it work this time.

The string of realisations over the past week made it feel like his world had taken an abrupt shift and he was both terrified and hopeful. It had taken him a year to even begin to really understand what he had, and in that time he realised he had squandered his opportunity to make the most out of it, but he didn't allow the excuse that he didn't know _how_ to make the most out of this hold him back from even trying anymore.

Gai was right, he was happier now, and in many ways he had Subaru to thank for that. He wanted to see just how happy this could make him- even when he felt out of his depth, and awkward, and like he had no idea what he was doing.

Whilst all of this was running through his mind, and sinking in, making a feeling he wasn't entirely sure what to call build in his stomach and chest each time he looked at Subaru, he was introducing her to the new space they would be living.

He didn't know exactly how intelligent she was, and how much she understood, but Gai had suggested that he talk to Subaru as though she understood every word that came out of his mouth. Apparently there was the implication from the Nara, who had given that advice, that this meant a level of censorship in what he said. Neither he nor Gai could figure out exactly what that meant, beyond not talking about classified information to children who didn't know what they should and shouldn't repeat.

Kakashi was not a naturally talkative person, and so forcing himself to keep finding things to say became increasingly awkward. He felt ridiculous, as he resorted to just pointing out features one would find in any decent living space. Subaru gave no reaction at all, beyond a slight wrinkle between her brow as she lay against Kakashi's chest, that actually looked... very cute.

He felt a moment of anticipation when he showed her the bedroom, clocking the moment her eyes landed on the shelves containing his books and his one photograph, and her eyes seemed to widen in recognition and realisation as suddenly she seemed to be far more interested in the room, sweeping it with an assessing look. However, to his disappointment, the attention she payed barely lasted two minutes, and she was back to her self contained bubble of silent blankness by the time he had returned from removing his disguise.

He lay down a new blanket for her in the sitting room, and introduced her to some toys that were supposed to be more interactive, and for children a few years older than her. He and Gai had decided on toys not too far out of her age range to start with, and then work their way up if she still found them boring.

Unfortunately, he couldn't tell if they were suitable or not; to his continued disappointment, she wouldn't even look at them, or react to his words. Subaru had her head firmly turned away from the toys, and carried on her dead eyed staring into the distance, eventually closing her eyes.

He gave a sigh of frustration, not sure what else he was supposed to do, but then mustered his determination, and told himself that they were only at the beginning of the list, and he had other things he could try throughout the next weeks to capture her interest. Maybe she needed to feel like she wasn't being watched- she could be self conscious due to her experience with being left alone previously, he considered, and so dropped onto the floor, resting against the sofa, and fetched his Icha Icha on the pretence of reading it like he did every other night.

He had almost given up on Subaru showing any signs of life for the night, and was even wondering if she'd bother moving to eat, when all of a sudden she was climbing onto her feet. Of course, Kakashi knew she could walk, considering he'd been watching her on and off for days, but to see close up how fluid and confident she was, compared to what he knew most children three times her age were like, shocked him. Was this the Hatake genes? Or her mother's? Or was it another result of her unusual circumstances of birth? Despite the fact that compared to a trained shinobi she was still like a half blind, three legged, half grown puppy without accurate depth perception, he was impressed.

He followed her, curious to see what she intended to do, and was led to the bathroom. He froze when she turned around and touched him. It took a few seconds to register what she wanted, over the stunned realisation that it was the first time Subaru had ever initiated contact entirely by herself. Even when she'd gummed him at the start of teething, he'd been holding her at the time. When he got over that, the comprehension of what she planned slammed into him like a second jolt.

That she had been smart enough to see the steps leading to the toilet, and immediately put the pieces together that they were there to encourage further independence (considering how right from the start she had radiated discomfort when accompanied in any way to the bathroom), spoke of greater intelligence that he had suspected.

As he lifted her up so she could use the sink to wash her hands, and gazed down at the back of her tiny head, he felt a mixture of pride, uncertainty, and something warm but slightly painful in his chest.

Afterward, although she went straight back to her worryingly excellent impression of a dead person, he continued to watch her, attempting to separate and identify the cocktail of emotions he felt when he looked at her.

When it came to serving Subaru food, he was grateful that he had spied her once during day care eating. It meant that he did not make the mistake of giving her a bottle, and had a vague idea of what foods she could eat, as well as the fact that she could feed herself. Unfortunately the gratitude soon became superseded by the disturbing revelation that she ate food with just as little emotion as she did everything else.

And then to top of the 'fantastically successful' day, she walked out of the room entirely after dinner, to pointedly sit by the bed. He was ready, by that point to give in and try again tomorrow, clearly having failed. He helped get her ready for sleep, and placed her in the bed, then retreated to the lounge to have another look at his list, tucked into the cover of his favourite Icha Icha, and cross a few things off as clearly failed.

Later, as he lay in bed, looking over Subaru as he had done multiple nights when she first arrived, he allowed himself to acknowledge his fear that he had screwed things up with her irreparably- that once again he was trying too late to repair the damage. He reached out and gently ran his fingers over her hand, feeling the unbelievably soft and smooth skin, and reminded himself that as long as she was still there physically, he could keep trying.

* * *

Over the next two days, Kakashi's hope dwindled slowly, and his concern increased. Nothing he did with her, or said to her seemed to make any difference. Taking her outside had her show no excitement, and despite what should have been an inundation of new smells, sounds, sights and textures for a smart child to rap it's head around and explore, she did as had always done- nothing. She lay on her front and closed her eyes in the apartment, she lay on her front and closed her eyes in the training ground.

Over that time he began to notice other worrying things; she didn't eat what he had checked children her age were supposed to eat- she stopped when she was done with trying, not when she was full- she was smaller than other kids her age- for all that was more developed in the growth and strength of her muscles, overall physically she was smaller, like her body had less will to grow- she just seemed diminished within herself- that one was harder to put into words, but it was like her spirit was shrunk in on itself, like she had less amount of life in her to expend than everyone else.

He tried almost frantically to come up with any plausible reason why she would be so passive and detached constantly, and then match it to what he was seeing. Bored could no longer excuse her unresponsiveness, and his words became increasingly lodged in his throat against the hard lump of fear that had taken up residence and proceeded to grow.

He finally admitted it to himself by the end of the second day; there was something very wrong with her. It was at that point that he began to feel a low burning anger.

He was angry with himself for being foolish enough to trust that he was doing a good enough job with Subaru, that he wasn't completely fucking everything up, for not trying harder. He was angry with the Sandaime for doing this to him, for giving him a child- a taste of family- only to discover she was defective and was more a flesh puppet than a person. He was angry at Subaru for making him lo- care for her, and showing none of the unconditional adoration or enthusiasm that he had seen in every other infant for their parent in the day care. He was angry with his _father_ for killing himself and giving Kakashi so little to look back on for comparison to how he should parent, for giving him so many hang ups with family and connection and emotional intimacy, for not being there now to give him advice.

At the end of the day though, despite what he felt, he knew that his father had loved him, but he was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. Sandaime had done the best he could to protect the people of Konoha, as he always did- and Subaru was a person of Konoha-, Subaru was only a baby still no matter her intelligence, and was only doing whatever she had learnt- she didn't mean to be damaged or unloving. As for Kakashi, he couldn't undo his mistakes of the year, he could only do his utmost to acknowledge that he had made them, make up for them, and improve, which he was doing.

The only people left who he was angry at, were the women of day care. He had left Subaru with them under the understanding that they would look after her, that they knew she was different and would need as yet undiscovered special requirements. He had left Subaru with them and had gotten back an impassive husk of a child. What had they done? Why hadn't they said anything to him? He was angry at their perceived unprofessionalism, and felt as though if they couldn't look after Subaru properly without wrecking her, then there was no one he could trust his child with.

But at least he could find out why.

* * *

Early the next morning, Kakashi made his way to the day care with Subaru in his arms. The receptionist met him with a smile and asked him which security question and answer he wanted for the day.

"I'm not here to drop Subaru off today, Kimmi-san," he informed her without bothering with his usual eye smile, before summarily dismissing her and heading toward the room for babies and toddlers. Almost as soon as he entered, Kakashi was met at the door by Mei, who as usual had a beaming smile ready.

"Good morning Hoshi-san! Hi Subaru-chan! We weren't sure if you were coming in today, since we haven't seen either of you for a few days! Shall I take her off your hands?"

Mei reached out for Subaru, but Kakashi cut her off, holding Subaru slightly tighter in his arms.

"Actually Mei-san, I have a few concerns I'd like to address regarding Subaru's welfare and development."

Mei visibly faltered, confusion momentarily colouring her features, before she smiled again, "Of course! I'll do my best to help you, Hoshi-san! What would you like to know?"

Kakashi questioned Mei on Subaru's eating habits, her interests, who her playmates were, how much time the women spent with her a day, and what they spent time doing. When Mei began to show visible uncertainty at the situation she had found herself in, Kakashi heavily implied she call the others over so that he could ask them as well.

The questioning became close to an interrogation, as he asked them when Subaru had first learnt to sit up, and stand up and walk, and exactly how that process came to be. He grilled them on exactly when Subaru began to feed herself, and where she went when she walked, who she responded to, and who she interacted with rather than just put up with. He asked why they hadn't seen anything she had done as concerning, and why they hadn't come to him.

By the end of it, he was still incredibly frustrated with them, but understood the upshot of it was that they had been led to believe from the beginning that Subaru would be a very unusual child, and to cater to that, rather than forcing her to act like the other children her age.

When she had begun to show signs of being unusually determined in her movements, they had decided to help her, as Kakashi had told them to. It had quickly become clear, that despite some early attempts, she wouldn't play or find any enjoyment in childish past times, nor would she accept affection in any form from them.

They kept her fed, changed her diaper when they were supposed to, and helped her in the only way she would allow them to. When she was on her feet, and no longer needed any help, they kept an eye on her for a while, but it became apparent that she still held no interest in anything they could easily offer her, and having dealt with her unusual behaviour for months by that point, they were happy to cater to what she seemed to want- to be mostly left alone.

And then there had been a flood of young children, and the women were suddenly overworked and understaffed. Quiet, well behaved Subaru who came to them when she needed anything, ate her food without mess or fuss, was possessive of her independence, and had been said by her own father to be different, was left to her own devices for vast stretches of the days, and unintentionally overlooked by the run ragged women.

They simply hadn't noticed. Just like Kakashi.

If he had wanted an easy person to blame, he wouldn't get one. The closest he had was Uchiha Itachi for massacring his clan, and creating a shortage of Shinobi when they still hadn't recovered from the loss from the Kyūbi attack. Shinobi who had intended to stay within and around Konoha were increasingly being forced to go back into the field, and shinobi who weren't active any longer were having to don their hitai-ates again- many of them non clan parents, who then had to put their children in day care.

That didn't mean he would leave Subaru with them again for a full day, if he could help it. Whilst he could understand from an objective view why she had been overlooked, he was still her father and that was _his_ child who had suffered the consequences of their mistakes. He wasn't exactly feeling objective about it all.

There was a part of him that doubted, though, whether he could possibly do a better job. Especially when he had learnt more about Subaru in one day from the women, than he had in an entire year. They were the ones who pointed out to him that Subaru's achievements at the age she was, were astounding. He had known, vaguely, that she was smart and learning faster than normal, but he hadn't known enough about 'normal' to really appreciate the differences between her and other children.

He still didn't. He felt he needed a better baseline of knowledge about child care in order to amend and tailor that to suit Subaru's needs. But he didn't have time to learn it with hands on experience, so he went to the only other source that immediately came to mind; books.

He reluctantly left Subaru at day care briefly, in order to do the fastest and most intense shopping spree-cum-research session he'd done since he could remember; children's diets, behavioural problems, first time parenting, discipline, learning difficulties, chakra usage on and around children, how to express himself correctly to a child, play time activities, teaching babies to speak, motivational and supportive learning at home, social and mental development, preparing children for the difficulties of shinobi life. The list went on. He left the crammed full bag at their new home, and made his way as fast as possible back to Subaru.

He allowed Subaru to spend the rest of the day doing what she apparently did best- unwilling to take further steps until he had a better idea of what those steps should be.

He devoured the books, and although he got a much better picture of what a child was _supposed_ to act like, so much of it didn't really resemble her behaviour at all that he had difficulty believing the advice was relevant. Additionally, there were large sections of different books that completely contradicted each other on the best parenting technique- from 'let your kid dictate his own rules and punishments so that he gains a sense of trusting in his own authority and feels respected as a young person', to 'apply a strong sense of discipline and obedience in your child so that from an early age they respect their elders, and correctly respond to those of a higher position, to improve their future performances as shinobi'.

He was almost tempted to write the whole thing off as published guesswork, except that there were some parts that sounded very convincing. He just wasn't sure which parts he was supposed to believe and which were complete rubbish. He felt like he needed a second opinion on this, and initially considered asking Sandaime, but then remembered the Hokage's rocky relationship with his son, and reconsidered.

He completed the books by the next afternoon- truthfully he skimmed sections, but some of it was tedious- and decided that while he came up with a list of reliable sources who had successfully raised functioning and happy members of society to ask about, he would continue down Gai's list of ideas.

There was still a vague idea in his mind that was just as hopeful as it was painful, that it was him personally who was having such a strong effect on Subaru's disconcerting behaviour. If that was the case it was something they would have to find a solution for, but at least the problem was in some ways relatively simple. If not... Kakashi didn't know what he would do, because the only other explanation that came to mind was that it had originated from the way she was born, and there was a chance they wouldn't know what was wrong let alone be able to fix it.

If there was something wrong with Subaru that couldn't be fixed, and she just got worse over time- honestly the thought made his stomach hurt and so he cast it from his mind. He got them ready to go to a park, in the hopes that interaction with children older and more advanced would catch her attention and get her active- perhaps she didn't comprehend what play was properly and needed to see it in action in order to partake.

For some reason, as Kakashi lay a blanket on the ground, he was reminded of the time when he was young, and had rescued a tiny newborn puppy that had been abandoned by it's mother- it had whimpered and whined and his heart had hurt at the sight, so he had bought some milk especially designed for puppies with his father, despite both him and the vet stating that the mother had abandoned it because it wouldn't live for long.

Kakashi'd told them that at least it would be warm, looked after and fed before that happened, so he'd woken up every few hours to feed it, help it do it's business, and held it close as it squeaked and whined whenever it got too far away from his heartbeat.

As the days went by, he knew it would be gone soon, but a part of him couldn't help hope that if he cared enough and did his best, it would live anyway. It lasted five days longer than predicted, and then suddenly grew weak over the space of one night. He held it as it gradually went quieter and stiller, and drank less milk, and then died.

He couldn't help but look at Subaru, and feel like he was watching a far more terrible version of that all over again.

He felt like he had do something to get her to show some life and character, and so he picked her up, and like he saw a mother do across the park, he held Subaru's hands, to prevent her from flopping to the ground until she found her feet, then walked her steadily onto the grass. He crossed his fingers that either the new texture of the dirt and grass would cause a reaction, or otherwise she'd notice the Nara girl who was close to a tree and would be fascinated by another child with superior intelligence.

It seemed like a long shot but it was all he had. He was encouraged by the initial show of stubbornness from her, in her desire to go back to the blanket, and wondered if he kept pushing she would do something more expressive, but to his dismay, she sat down by the tree and didn't move, beyond some tugging of grass.

He went and sat down with his book once more, barely paying it any focus, and instead praying that she did _something_ other than show a willingness to sit there indefinitely. As the time ticked by, Kakashi finally admitted to himself, with a cold block of dread, that he needed to seek professional help. He was out of his depth, and had been for some time.

Just as that thought occurred to him, Subaru unexpectedly stood up, and headed in his direction. She tripped, leading him to wonder for a moment if she would even show pain if she felt it, before he watched her bend over something in her hand that he couldn't see.

Kakashi went over to see what had finally caught his chronically indifferent child's gaze, "what have you got there?"

He did not expect the possibly poisoned senbon sticking through her hand and dripping blood onto the ground to be the sight that she revealed to him. Something in Kakashi viscerally rebelled at the sight of Subaru so injured, and he found himself as taken aback by his own reaction as he was by the sight.

However, the chance of poison having extreme effects on Subaru's tiny infant body jerked Kakashi back into action, and had him pulling her into his grasp as quickly as possible and racing toward the hospital.

He didn't remember what he barked at the receptionist, his adrenaline crashing through his system too hard, but a medic responded immediately. They were bustled into a room, and sat down on the side of a patient bed, with Subaru held tight in his lap, in case she decided to do anything other than stare silently at her bleeding hand.

The medic scanned Subaru's hand for poison, and asked for a succinct summary of events, which he briskly answered as thoroughly as possible, wishing the man would just get the damn thing out of her hand already.

"Hold her tight, I'm about to pull it out in two, one."

The senbon slid smoothly out of her hand, as blood dropped down more rapidly, and Subaru jumped, but did little more in response.

"Is her reaction normal considering her age?" He asked the medic, attempting to open a conversation that he was uncomfortable with, for all its necessity.

The doctor's tone remained smooth and low as he spoke, "I'd say no, not generally. Is this typical of her?" He disinfected her wound as they talked.

"This is her first real injury. In terms of reaction, I'd say it's more than I can usually get from her for anything. I'm... worried. I think there might be something seriously wrong with her."

The words scraped almost unwillingly out of his mouth, but the medic didn't bat an eye as he began to heal Subaru.

"I can refer you to someone who is more versed in children, both in terms of psychology and physiology. If that's what you're looking for. Unfortunately, my speciality is not children and so if you're looking for medication for her, I can't help you."

"No, that's fine. When's the earliest appointment I can get?"

"Dr. Mukai should be able to see you tomorrow morning at 9am. I'll book you in to see her when I've finished in here, after you've left."

"Some key information in her medical files will be classified," Kakashi warned him.

"That shouldn't be a problem. Dr. Mukai has a very high clearance because she has ways of keeping the information she discovers unreachable to even a Yamanaka. If it's in the file at all, she'll be allowed to read it," he replied, and then added amusedly, "perhaps this little one has a future in medical, if the way she's fascinated by my chakra is any indication."

If it had been yesterday, or even earlier that day, Kakashi would have jumped upon Subaru showing that much fascination in anything, however, at the point Kakashi couldn't muster up anything more than weary defeat.

"Aa perhaps she will."

He wanted little more than to go home and curl up with his Icha Icha, blocking out his astounding failures as a parent, so that he could try again tomorrow. In fact, he intended to do just that.

He took Subaru home, holding her a touch tighter than normal, before he placed her on the living room blanket, and hastily made his way back to the park so could he pick their things up, irrationally afraid that if he took her with him she'd somehow manage to hurt herself even worse than before.

It was around five minutes later that the apartment came back into view, while he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. He was still a distance away, when he saw the small shape of Subaru squeeze herself through a gap in the door to the balcony. He sped up, but could do nothing but stare with a horror that blinded him from anything else but her, as he saw her unwaveringly approach the edge.

He felt like his body was moving through thick syrup, unable to move fast enough, unable to change the nightmare scene. And then she fell.

He was still too far away. That didn't matter. He had to do something. Anything. He had to stop this. He pushed himself off the building with chakra, his adrenaline pounding fiercely through him, and an inarticulate noise escaping his throat.

He watched, distanced from himself, as his body was propelled with speed across the space between them. Her body fell sickeningly through the air like a rag doll. She was too close to the ground.

His hand grasped the edge of her outfit, and he harshly yanked her body into him, curling around her to take the brunt of any impact, as his velocity knocked her off course and both of them toward the wall.

A split second before both of them could hit the wall of the building, a strong grip diverted Kakashi's course to the side. His breath whooshed out of him, and he raised his head to see who had prevented them from impact.

"My Eternal Rival, why were you jumping into the side of the building?" Gai's voice gave Kakashi the answer to his unspoken question.

Kakashi's mind was buzzing with white noise, and unable to articulate an answer. A small squeak emitted from his arms, and he quickly unfolded himself to check on Subaru. She had flushed cheeks, she was breathing quickly and looked slightly bedraggled, but other than that she was fine. He exhaled shakily.

"She fell," he didn't know if he was responding to Gai, or if he was saying it to himself. Either way, his voice was weak and strained.

He honestly couldn't have accurately recalled a second of what Gai said next, too busy coming to terms with what had just happened. He thought he thanked Gai for preventing both of them from colliding with a wall, and numbly made his way into his apartment, unable to take his eyes off Subaru.

A frown and grimace creased up her face, but after she made eye contact with him once, she refused to open her eyes. Kakashi didn't know what he was feeling, and merely waited for his heart to stop pounding painfully in his chest.

He vaguely noticed Gai follow him, but didn't acknowledge the fact, leaving him on his sofa to entertain himself.

When he noticed the open door to the balcony, he remembered once more what he had seen, what he had allowed to almost happen through his own stupidity, and silently closed it, his chest squeezing so painfully it was hard to breathe.

He shut himself in their room, sat on the edge of their bed, looking down at his child lying in his lap, and realised that he almost lost his family again. If he had just been a second too late...

 _My hands are shaking_

His breath caught in his throat as he opened his mouth, "Subaru," his words broke and his throat tightened with fear, "Subaru, I don't know if you can understand a word I say. But if you do... please... don't- I can't-"

 _I can't lose my family again. I can't do that. It will ruin me._

"Why would you do that? Why would you- I know you did that on purpose. I know it."

It wasn't exactly a logical conclusion for most to jump to, but Subaru was not like other children. She didn't just obliviously totter towards an edge and fall off like that. She knew what she was doing.

Emotion gripped Kakashi, and he lay down, curling himself around her, and refusing to let go, lest she disappear. It was _so close_.

He'd had countless close calls on missions, but none of them had hit him like this did.

What if she tried again? What if she just kept trying? She'd succeed eventually. What had he done to fuck her up this badly?

"I'm sorry. Whatever it was that I did, I'm sorry. But you can't die. I can't let you."

Kakashi trembled slightly, as he remained unmoving, holding his child tightly, with Obito's eye trailing liquid down the left side of his face, and whispered promises to Subaru if only she stayed with him.

* * *

 _There we go. I'm not really sure what else to say about this chapter._

 _it felt a little crammed to be honest. With Subaru I can get away with half hearted explanations because she doesn't care. But Kakashi notices shit and I feel like I have to include it. Don't know if I really captured his feelings accurately, but eh._

 _Well either way, things should get better soon._


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Back to Subaru for a small chapter. This was really just a small introduction to the next section of the story, which will be her recovery, and what it brings.

Not too much happens, but that's because what happens next chapter kinda needs to be from someone's perspective who understands Japanese.

I have felt incredibly depressed before, not to the point where I tried to kill myself, but close. I did get better, and so this chapter was sort of like an older, Subaru version of what went through my head to get me from doing zombie and dead corpse impressions, to questioning my approach to life.

This is mostly filled with unedited internal ramble so good luck reading.

I know a lot of you wanted to know what's going through Subaru's head in reaction to Kakashi's emotional reaction. Here it is.

Thank you so much for all who reviewed, favourited and followed! Let me know what you like, or what doesn't work for you, or otherwise any prompts of scenes that you want to see!

I've been given one or two ideas which I'm up for giving a go and there's no preplanned plot at all really, since I'm trying to keep the me that's in Subaru as authentic as possible, by writing things as I react to them while putting myself in her shoes in the situation, without much warning. If that makes sense

* * *

 **Chapter 10 - Baby Steps**

Everything happened too quickly to understand; one moment this body was falling through the air far too swiftly and yet far too slowly, with a thrillingly violent mixture of exhilaration and terror overwhelming my system. I just had enough time to wonder if this was worth it, or if I was wasting an entire life time of growth and living away.

Everything went dark and smothering and confusing. My breath left me in a rough wheeze, and the ribs creaked at the pressure, as I was jostled in one direction then another. My heart stopped for a moment, and then things were still. It took too-long seconds for my thoughts to straighten out, and assess what had just happened.

A loud but muffled voice reached my ears, and an increased pressure crushed the little air left in the lungs, as I emitted a high pitched noise. Suddenly light burst through the darkness, alongside the relief of fresh air.

DFB's face came into view as my eyes adjusted, and my heart dropped. He said something, sounding quietly distressed. There was someone nearby talking in an exuberant manner, but I was still being held too tightly to crane my head and see- I wouldn't even if I could, too tangled up in a toxic mixture of my anger and resentment at DFB for catching me, fear for the imminent consequences of my actions, dread at being forced to go forward and keeping living despite my wishes, at having what little control I had stripped from me, and deep hatred for myself at putting myself in the position I was in.

DFB and the other voice had a short conversation, with DFB sounding stilted and distant. The fear, dread, anger and self hatred swirled tighter and tighter in my chest as I waited for something to happen. The split second eye contact I made with DFB was too much- I didn't want to see whatever he was feeling reflected in his face when I was barely holding myself together.

I didn't want the guilt of his fear, or the pain of his indifference, whichever one it would be. More turbulent emotions on top of what was already shortening my breaths would be too much, and I closed my eyes and blocked out sound in order to minimise the overstimulation. I felt numb, and yet not. Like all the stress ( _and sadness and grief and heartache and rage and suffering and toomuchtoomuchtoomuch_ ) was trapped on my side of the thick pane of glass that was the safety barrier and prison between me and the world ( _why did I do this to myself I did this how do I get out how do I feel good again_ ). It tightened and tightened in my chest and stomach, and I knew any input from the outside world would set me off.

I couldn't stop my thoughts from spinning in increasingly small and frightened circles, but I carefully controlled my breathing, keeping my eyes shut tight, and trying to block out the horrific sinking dread that whispered of failure and being forced to watch the pain my actions wrought on others ( _unless there is none Unless he doesn't care about whether you live or die_ ).

I didn't want to see. I wanted to die and not exist and not have to see the complicated, never enough, painful, mistake filled, judgemental reactions of other people when I was so _tired_ of it. If I could just slip quietly between the fabric of reality into non existence I would do it. I wanted to escape. But there was nothing to escape from. Only myself. I had already performed the ultimate escape, into a new life, new body and new world, and it hadn't been enough. There was no further escape. I had already done it. This was all there is and it still wasn't enough. It never would be, and all that was left was a bone deep weariness and dread.

These thoughts choked my mind, round and round and round, as they had done for months, dragging me down further along the slope of my sanity, as I mourned who I had been before this ball and chain of anxiety and depression had anchored me.

But at least I had succeeded in blocking out the world around me, and slowing down my heart- I became aware of this, when I was pulled back to the present by DFB's hands changing grip on me, and as I heard the quiet rustle of the sheets and mattress underneath, I felt the body cradled in the gap of DFB's legs, and his hands wrap lightly around the torso. They trembled against the sensitive skin, and although that observation made a part of me sit up and take notice, made me see how strongly DFB had been shaken by my actions, I couldn't _feel_ anything from it. I was not touched or moved by the signs of his affliction.

I was too caught up in my hollow dread, in my own suffering, to care about his.

And then DFB began to speak to me. This was not like his attempts of the last few days, filled with fake cheer, and lightness. He sounded undeniably anguished. With my name on his lips, and heartbroken accusation heavily lining his stuttered words, his desolation was filled with authentic emotion- and I realised I had inadvertently dug an unforgiving hook into his vulnerability, forcibly yanking it through all the defences and smoke screens of DFB's creation to the surface, to be laid bare before me.

Even with all of my physical weakness, and inability to talk or purposefully endear myself to DFB in any way, I had done this to him.

He lay curled around me, as I watched him through lowered lids, his pure grief and fear bare for me to see, his body heat sinking into me as he clutched me to him like I was all that held him to this world, his chest giving tiny heaves, with a small trail of tears falling down the side of his cheek to soak into his hairline.

And I felt nothing.

My emotions had reached a state of 'oh, that's new' as I looked at him stripped of every emotional defence he had, and moved no further than that. As though my feelings were a ladder, that I had complacently stayed on the bottom rung of for too long, and only now found as I attempted to climb to something more human and visceral, that the first three rungs were all I had left.

In a burst of momentary clarity, I saw that all my dread, and fear, and anger, dull as it all was, was for me and me only. I could not muster a single emotion for him.

This did not disturb me. But I knew it was wrong. This was _wrong._ This was not what I was about, not what I stood for, even at my most selfish. I was far from incapable of choosing to tear into someone's life time of emotional and mental barriers until they were in tears at my feet, but I _did not_ do that accidentally to people.

And when faced with someone who was broken down to their base emotions until their vulnerable heart was exposed, I certainly didn't look upon it with apathy. That was the sort of gift I coaxed and cherished from somebody, feeling honoured to reciprocate.

I may have felt very little that was not about myself, as I watched DFB quietly break down, but intellectually, I knew that who I was in that moment was not _me_. I didn't want to be that person. She did not horrify me, or disgust me, but that wasn't who I had chosen to be since before I could remember.

I viewed this as a problem. And almost without fail, when presented with a problem, I needed to find a solution to it. So I did.

DFB would prevent me from killing myself to the best of his ability, which I had faith was pretty damn good. So another escape was off the tables for some time to come. I was unwilling to wait for however long it would take for him to remove his eye from the ball and let me try again, whilst continuously feeling as consistently tired, low and bored as I did now.

I took a mental breath, and hesitantly admitted to myself that killing myself was off the table entirely. Which meant I had to settle for the only other option; living. I would have to live.

I could live my life as I was doing it already; miserable, unhappy, and waiting for either death or some other unnamed thing to come along and pull me out of it. I was capable of doing it, certainly, but I envisioned the years stretching out in front of me; filled with endless grey-scaled mundanity, as I failed consistently to summon the motivation or passion to do anything other than eke out the barest minimum from myself, to create something that barely passed as a life without friends or loved ones or anyone I was remotely emotionally attached to, whilst never once taking the initiative in anything, or stopping to enjoy a single moment, drenched in loneliness and just passing the time till I died.

It was disconcertingly tempting, because it was a life in which I would be complacently on the easy path of not once ever having to try. I would never get hurt, because I would never expose myself to anyone, I would never fail because I would never take the risk. But I wasn't stupid enough to believe that living like that would affect no one but myself. Anyone who chose to attach themselves to me and believe I could be more, as DFB evidently did, would suffer alongside me quietly. I'd seen it before, I'd _done_ it before, for far too long, and it was a pointless existence filled with pointless misery.

The other path was eminently more difficult, with a much greater chance of all those uncomfortable feelings people generally went out of their way to avoid, filled with trying and failing, and feeling rejected, and judged, and scared. But I knew that it was also filled with all the good things; each smile, joke, and moment of laughter, those outrageous actions with friends or family that had others shaking their heads or smiling too, the meeting of minds, and passionate debates, and the thrill of a fight, and the joy of dancing, the satisfaction of a gift well received or the happy tears from someone's unreasonable generosity, the quiet moments sharing warmth and safety with someone loved.

I couldn't remember what it was like to feel those things. Not enough to envision them in my future, but regardless, I allowed myself to want them again.

This wasn't my first ride with depression, and I knew it wasn't as easy as deciding I wanted to be better, then magically waking up the next morning feeling good because I wanted to. This moment of unusual clarity was going to slip away from me, and I was going to once more feel buried under the drudge of sad unwillingness to move or speak. But I also knew that for me, getting out of depression didn't start with feeling better, or less depressed. It didn't start with thinking more positive thoughts, or rationalising and reasoning and convincing myself.

I couldn't think myself out of depression. I had to act. It took moment by moment and action by action, over and over again, feeling shitty and horrible and like it was all fucking pointless, but doing it anyway- of reaching out to someone else.

And hey, there was a person right in front of me, who had just broken apart over me and was holding me conveniently close. I figured that since he had given me something that, if I could feel more I would be touched by, then I was obliged to make the effort to give something of myself in return.

A huge part of me was convinced that there was nothing I could give or do, because of the weak and useless body I was in, that had effectively isolated me for so long. Except I had the evidence to prove otherwise right in front of me. I considered, for a moment, that perhaps the reason I had been so weak and helpless was because I had believed I was.

A part of me was also convinced reaching out was a pointless endeavour, because DFB probably wouldn't know the first thing about helping someone out of depression, and would just emotionally retreat and let me down. But, I could convince myself of that about almost anyone if I tried, and I wouldn't know unless I gave a little faith to the man- on top of that, this wasn't like the first time I had floundered around depressed for years and completely clueless about what sort of mentality I needed, what help I needed, what to ask for, how to explain what I was going through. I wasn't really a child, and if I wanted to, I should have little problem getting DFB to effectively help, as long as he was willing.

Despite the thoughts rushing through me, I didn't feel hopeful, or inspired, or determined. I just took a deep, resigned breath, opened my eyes fully, and reached my hand up to DFB's face. I planted the irritatingly small hand over his wet cheek, and wiped the tear away.

He flinched, and his breath stuttered, as his gaze focussed on me. For a second he merely looked at me uncomprehendingly, before he registered where my hand was and his eye widened. There was not enough emotion within me for an expression to find its way onto my face, as I stared into his eye lazily. He looked back at me, bewildered.

"Subaru-chan?" He breathed hoarsely.

I realised he was waiting for something else from me and internally sighed. Now would probably be an appropriate time to say something. The problem was, this mouth had had next to no practice getting around Japanese words. And call me a perfectionist, but so far I had gotten this 'touching scene' stuff down pretty well- there was no way I was ruining it with incomprehensible baby babble.

But hey, laying down a foundation of trust and total honesty was the way to go about creating a support with someone, when coming out of depression. Especially because I was prone to lying when it suited me, which certainly wasn't the way to go about this. And I was possibly looking at the one person in this entire universe who would stick with me no matter what, thanks to his values toward abandoning family and friends (hopefully that still applied here). So start as you mean to go on, go big or go home, right?

Sure, whatever. It was a good thing I had a habit of muttering to myself under my breath when I was alone at day care, so this would come out correctly. I felt him inhale in shock, as I took in a breath and opened my mouth to speak.

"Good catch."

Well, it wasn't like I was going to say 'sorry' or 'I love you' because I wasn't and I didn't. I was too busy feeling depressed. Plus it wasn't like he understood my words, being in English. It was possible he thought what had come out my mouth _was_ meaningless baby talk. But that wasn't the point. The point was that he was a genius, and he'd figure it out quickly. All of it. And if I wanted to get better I had to be ready to talk about it.

DFB's eye widened further, and his breath released in a quiet puff, as his eyebrow crinkled slightly in confusion. Nevertheless, I was fairly sure I had had some emotional impact on him. He said something quietly to me, in reply, but if he wanted a response from me he wasn't going to get it. I was drained, and done, and frankly I wanted to go to sleep in order to get some distance from having tried to kill myself before I thought too hard on it and a low but crippling shame kicked in.

Giving his cheek one light (probably slightly patronising) pat, I retreated the limb from his face, and for the first time in this life, tucked myself up against him in exhaustion.

A small shiver ran through him, and his breath hitched once more. He breathed something almost reverently, and wrapped his arms further around me.

His scent was a familiar comfort, and his surrounding warmth alongside the beat of his heart easily lulled me into unconsciousness.

I hadn't promised anything. There was no guarantee I wouldn't wake up and want to try to die all over again. But no matter how much of a backtrack my emotions or thoughts did, I couldn't take back that touch, and I couldn't take back those words. It was a start- a tiny step. I knew that the next step was all I could give for now.

* * *

 _English words will be underlined. I didn't put that at the top because I wanted __it to be a surprise._

 _I know a fair few self insert stories with rebirth in them have the character essentially forget or move past their old life, and if they grieve things at the start, they eventually throw themselves into the new life and stop talking or thinking about their old life- changing and adapting._

 _I would certainly try to change and adapt if I was in a new life, but I wouldn't be able to move on and successfully push my old life to the back of my mind permanently. I could come to feel at peace about being in a new life, but my old one would be something I considered intrinsically a part of me. Thus, anyone I came to care about, love or trust on a personal level, I would feel the need to share that part of myself with them in the name of honesty._


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

hey, I had a few days break to make sure I didn't burn out my creativity and drive for this story, as well as catch up on all the shit I've been neglecting, but I've finally cracked out the next one.

Probably a couple more chapters and then another time skip type chapter.

So just a warning, I had a school friends reunion last night and got a bit drunk. Unfortunately I can't sleep when I'm not sober, so I tapped this chapter out whilst waiting for that happen.

It's pretty pointless for me to edit this when not sober, so I'm not going to try. Zero editing done at all

Also, my brilliant not sober mind figured out how to end this story! Yay! I have absolutely no idea how to get there and it doesn't really matter, because only three characters need to be alive to make it happen, so anything could occur before then.

Thank you guys so much for all the amazing reviews, and the favourites and follows! As always, let me know what works and what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you wanna see I'll do my best to fit them in somewhere.

* * *

 **Chapter 11 - Uncomfortable Revelations**

Kakashi lay wide awake, having shifted onto his back, with Subaru curled up on his front. He had never felt so physically close to her, but he wasn't ready to let her go yet after the traumatic events of that afternoon.

He thought he'd go mad running what she had done, and what had almost happened through his mind. All of the questions without answers he had tortured him, and so he quickly stopped thinking about it at all. He'd need time for it to sink in, and for him to really know how he felt about this day. He wasn't sure whether to be angry, or sad, or guilty or... what.

Instead he ruminated on what had happened afterward. He felt undeniably scraped hollow from the inside and simultaneously lighter, as well as more vulnerable than he allowed himself to be in years, thanks to the loss of control over his emotions.

He quenched the immediate pang of embarrassment, and reminded himself that Obito, who he held in the highest regard, had cried all the time. No, what he concerned himself with, was the fact that in the depths of his pain he had extended a metaphorical hand out to Subaru- and she had reached back.

What did she mean with her actions? He had no frame of reference for her behaviour. It was so outside anything he knew from her, which was that anything she did was motivated by her own immediate desires. But when she had placed her soft hand on his cheek and smoothed away the liquid on his face, there had been no indication she had wanted anything from him, and yet when he had looked at her, she had been almost as emotionless and tired as she ever was. But it was the most human he had seen of her since she had stopped crying right at the beginning of her life.

Then of course, the shocker of the moment occurred, when she spoke to him. He didn't know what to think about that. That was an undeniable word (words?) that had come out of her mouth; too well formed and concise to be anything but, however it hadn't meant anything. It didn't even sound recognisable.

He thought he identified the sounds used, but they were wielded in such a foreign manner that he couldn't be sure- like words bitten off half way through, and with a completely unfamiliar intonation.

He had no idea where she had learned to speak like that- the most obvious answer was in day care, but he extensively questioned the women there and they had included nothing that would teach Subaru that. Unless somehow, at some point, Subaru had received stimulation from someone or somewhere that had exposed her to some sort of language, and perhaps had also impacted her negatively to the point that she was now the too quiet, too tired, too uninterested child that she now was.

It was all just speculation though. It could also be one of many strange results from her altered brain.

He wanted to interpret her actions as a sign that she had heard his words and they had impacted her enough to react to them- in fact it was how he had initially interpreted them, and had been indescribably relieved to get _anything_ from her. Now though, lying back and with nothing to do but think, doubts crept in. After all, what did he really know about her?

The signs were there if he looked, that she clearly had an established personality, with likes and dislikes and desires. Yes, there was something terribly wrong with her, but that didn't detract from the fact that she was a _person_. A person he barely knew, for all that he... cared about her. Until he knew her better, he couldn't say for certain what her motivations for her actions were.

Although, that wouldn't stop him from hoping that his first assumption was correct.

He spent the next hour carefully not thinking about certain sections of the day so far, compartmentalising the tangled ball of thoughts and feelings into a corner of his mind that he could sort through when he was alone. Much later.

Eventually, Subaru stirred, and he knew she was awake. She slept like the dead until she woke up, as though her body needed every minute it could get in order to function. He always knew she was awake, because she would wriggle slightly, then yawn and stretch, before often settling back down without even opening her eyes until she needed something. She did the same thing as he watched her, and with a small purse of his lips as the only sign to indicate how much of a challenge he found facing active parenting once more, he held her to him more firmly, and slid off the bed.

Silently padding down the short hallway, and into the main room, Kakashi was taken aback by the smell of food saturating the place. His eyes shot to the kitchen, where Gai was putting together a delicious smelling rice dish.

He had completely forgotten the man had followed him into his home, where he had been left by the sofa. It was a blur, after Kakashi had caught Subaru, and he could only vaguely remember the details now. He must have been more distracted by his internal dialogue more than he thought, of Gai had managed to be moving around his kitchen and putting a meal together, without him realising it.

Gai, of course, knew the moment he stepped into the room, and looked up with his great beaming grin, "Kakashi! How is your beautiful blossom?"

Kakashi slanted a brief glance toward Subaru, who had tucked her face against his shoulder, with glazed half lidded eyes.

"Same as ever."

For anyone who didn't know Gai as well as Kakashi did, the shimmer of understanding and the unspoken words that lay between them would have gone entirely unnoticed, fooled by the unchanging, genuine smile on his face.

"Is that so! Well, as a thank you for inviting me into your new home, I thought I would make you both some food, to help replenish your Youth!"

Right. Lunch. That was a thing that happened every day, regardless of Kakashi's personal troubles. He was thankful that Gai had taken the liberty of cooking them something, since it hadn't occurred to Kakashi that it was still needed.

"Aa, thank you Gai," he replied with an eye smile. When he spied the small bowl placed aside, with a small portion of simple rice, steamed vegetables cut up, and salmon, he felt something in his chest jolt and found himself adding without conscious permission, "you can come by more often if you'd like, since you did at least half the work on the apartment."

Dear kami, why did he say that. He could just imagine it now; Gai waking him up at all kinds of ridiculous hours to challenge him, and be his usual gregarious self, the second he thought he had a moment's peace and quiet.

Nevertheless, he wouldn't take it back now that he'd said it. He could admit to himself that he would have been ten times more lost, and out of his depth if he hadn't had Gai encouraging him with Subaru. A tiny expression flickered across Gai's face, before he puffed out his chest with pride, and dramatic tears sprung to his eyes.

"KAKASHI! I WILL HONOUR THIS TRUST YOU HAVE PLACED IN ME, AND PROTECT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOM WITH THE POWER OF YOUTH, AS MY POSITION DEMANDS!"

Kakashi tilted his head in mild confusion, "your position?"

"As your most Youthful best friend and Eternal Rival, and thus Subaru's Godfather! I will help to nurture the Flames of Youth in this delicate Blossom, so long as I live, and if fail I will run one hundred miles on my fingertips, and I fail I will run a thousand miles on my pinky fingers..."

As Gai poured tears, and waxed lyrical about numerous challenges, Kakashi largely ignored him, and grabbed two bowls.

"I'm fairly sure that's not how Godparents are chosen," he muttered to Subaru, casting a withering look in Gai's direction. However, there was no taking it back now and convincing Gai otherwise. He would simply to do more and more extreme things to convince Kakashi that he was worthy of the title.

Whilst it could be mildly amusing to watch, and it would be interesting to see if Gai's challenges would get a reaction from Subaru, who hadn't even bothered turning her eyes in the taijutsu master's direction, he wasn't sure if Gai's... Gai-ness would simply cause Subaru to withdraw, if she was faced with such a large and concentrated dose straight away.

Kakashi placed Subaru down by the table, and sat next to her, with a spoon by her bowl. Keeping half an eye on her, he quietly gave thanks and dug into the food. With Gai still making ridiculous proclamations, and Subaru looking unenthusiastically at her food, he allowed himself to take his time a little, safe in the knowledge that no one was watching.

It still didn't take long, since he was used to eating at a much faster pace when in public, and he quickly realised that she hadn't touched her food. Concerned, he leaned toward her, "Subaru-chan?"

She didn't show any sign of having heard him at first, but before he had time to do anything, she blew out a small breath, and without looking at him, got onto her hand and knees.

He watched her with trepidation and curiosity, his eye widening when she place her hand on his leg, and began to crawl onto his lap.

He lifted his arms so that they wouldn't obstruct her progress, and supported her as her balance wobbled slightly. She settled her back against him and then a word emitted from her. There was what slightly resembled an 'r' and a 'd' sound in there somewhere, but he couldn't begin to fathom what it had meant.

He hesitated, as she sat in his lap, unsure of what she was looking for from him. Kakashi saw a tiny hint of impatience line Subaru's features, before she took hold of Kakashi's right sleeve in her small grip, and tugged his arm. Intrigued, he allowed her to manoeuvre his limb, until it reached Subaru's spoon, which he obediently took hold of. With what looked like some careful finagling of her own limbs, she managed to pull his arm back and toward her face, at which point she leaned forward and touched her lips to it. She repeated the alien 'r' 'd' sound, and the leaned back, looking far more tired than before.

It took a second for the message to sink in, and Kakashi's heart caught in his chest. Subaru was more than capable of feeding herself. The day care women had clearly stated that the girl was almost aggressively possessive of any inch of independence she gained. Subaru seemed to be asking him to feed her.

He was sure many parents would be encouraging Subaru not to become dependant if she could already do something herself, but this was different. This was further evidence that she was trying to connect with him. The hint of hope grew just a touch stronger.

Subaru had just over an hour ago purposefully fallen off of a balcony, and there was no way he was turning down the option to bond with her over something that she was asking of him.

Carefully removing his nerves from showing, Kakashi pulled the small bowl toward him, and small mouthful by mouthful, fed the girl. She dutifully swallowed each spoonful, and even when they reached the point that she showed reluctance to eat more, he found that as long as he held food to her mouth, she would continue to accept it.

For the first time since he had bottle fed her, despite the prolonged amount of time it took, Subaru finished a meal. He saw the spoon scrape the bottom of the bowl with an absurd level of satisfaction, followed by a quickly suppressed wave of nearly overwhelming relief.

The moment Kakashi put the spoon down, he noticed that Subaru seemed to sag in on herself, as though merely the act of eating had exhausted her. He felt himself visibly soften as she yawned, donning the same half lidded unfocused look as ever, and shuffled around in her spot, until she could lay her head just above his knee, and retreated back into whatever mental world nearly constantly held her attention.

Suddenly realising it had been suspiciously quiet for a while, Kakashi's eyes quickly found Gai. The man was frozen in a ridiculous pose, that had clearly been chosen to express how touched he was, with tears streaming down his face, and a camera in his hand which Kakashi had no idea where he kept on him, and didn't particularly want to find out.

He momentarily considered tackling the Godfather issue, but easily decided to leave it. He understood what Gai was telling him with that statement; if anything ever happened to Kakashi, Gai would be there to raise Subaru. If it was any other kid, Kakashi would have nightmarish images of his child growing up wearing green spandex and orange leg warmers, however he was fairly sure that being dressed like that was one of the few things that would motivate Subaru to do something- and that something would probably be along the lines of desecrating the cursed items.

Kakashi would never tell Gai he thought so, but if there was one person Kakashi trusted to go above and beyond his duties as Godfather it would be the taijutsu expert. If Kakashi died, Gai would never allow Subaru to be another case like Naruto. Truthfully, if Kakashi had to bet on a battle of wills against Gai and the Hokage, he wouldn't be placing his money on Sarutobi.

And so, when faced with Gia's usual behaviour, all he had to say to the man was, "I want copies of any photos."

Finally Gai's building emotions burst, "SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY OF YOUTHFULNESS!"

To Kakashi's silent amusement, Subaru's forehead wrinkled, her lips thinned, and sigh of clear exasperation escaped her, before she turned over to face Kakashi at the same time as grabbing the same sleeve as before and pulling his arm until his hand smothered her ear (and consequently half of her face and neck).

He didn't know if she would continue to show inklings of life, but what he had seen reminded him strongly of the Nara clan members. He was almost expecting a muttered 'troublesome' to come from her.

Kakashi spent most of the rest of that evening using a more than willing Gai as a distraction from the earlier part of the day, not acknowledging the fact that he refused to put Subaru down, and getting the extremely occasional and relatively small gestures of humanity from his child, which bit by bit fed the tiny hope in him that things had a chance of being okay one day.

That night, after Gai had once more very generously cooked for them all, Kakashi had more than willingly fed Subaru each bite as she sat in his lap, he had said goodbye to the jovial man, and they lay in bed, Kakashi's fingertips traced the baby's toes one by one as he watched her sleep. He wondered what the appointment the next day would bring, and what sort of answers would be given, feeling heavily anxious about it.

But no matter what he felt about it all, he knew it wouldn't change the outcome of what was discovered. The only thing he could do was adapt to whatever hand he had been given, as he had always done, and in the mean time he could sleep in order to put some much needed space between himself and the incidents of the day.

* * *

Kakashi sat, in his disguise, in a hospital chair the next morning, his posture belying how tense he was, and with Subaru looking half asleep in his lap. She'd been less willing to eat that morning, and although she had eventually finished everything thanks to his persistence, she had looked increasingly drained doing so, and since then had shown no hints of liveliness. It was disappointing over the small but significant changes the day before, but he did his best to prevent his brain from jumping to any conclusions when he could well be getting his answers soon.

Dr. Mukai swept elegantly into the room, everything about her radiated competence and approachability, despite her neutral expression. Her burgundy hair was pinned up neatly into a tight bun, and her clothes were of high quality, but practical.

She gently sat down across from him, her body language remaining open and friendly. There were no hints of hostility, or even too much curiosity toward Subaru, which he had carried some concerns about due to the information in the child's medical file.

"What can I do for you today, Hatake-san," she asked, a professional smile on her face. Despite every indication that she was highly capable in her job, Kakashi knew better than to let a well formed and convincing demeanour relax him. Not when it came to Subaru's well being. Not when the stakes were looking to be so high.

"There's something wrong with Subaru."

"Could you specify? What symptoms are we facing here?"

And so, shunting his emotions off to one side, in order to remain as concise and objective as possible, Kakashi briefly summarised what he remembered of Subaru's behaviour for the past year, as well as a more detailed account of the last week, including the observations of the day care, up until Subaru's 'fall' off the balcony.

Dr. Mukai listened carefully, taking notes and occasionally prompting Kakashi with questions. By the end, despite his careful removal of emotions, he felt unbalanced and scraped raw again. Kakashi had never explained it out loud like that to anyone-it had all remained observations, fears, doubts and worries whirling around his mind endlessly. Speaking what had happened out loud made it more real, and more terrible for it. He was infinitely glad that his mask hid the bottom half of his face, where his teeth were painfully gritted, and he was failing to keep his lips from pulling into a grief filled grimace.

Dr. Mukai continued to make notes for some minutes, before she sat back and looked clearly deep in thought as she spoke.

"I have my suspicions. I can make a guess, but I won't. What I would suggest is that we cross off the worst case scenarios from the list so that we can confidently focus on the more likely possibilities. If I can get some blood from Subaru, and a scan of both her chakra pathways and her brain, I can be more certain of what we're working with here."

Kakashi frowned minutely, and Dr. Mukai added placatingly, "I understand that stolen blood work was how Subaru came to exist in the first place, and I can guarantee that the security of genetic material from our patients has been updated. Nevertheless, for your peace of mind, Hatake-san, I will choose someone personally, who I trust, to be the sole person who handles the blood work and destroys all genetic material afterward."

Kakashi knew it was the best he was going to get, and so reluctantly gave his permission. With an impressively light touch, Dr. Mukai approached Subaru with a needle.

"You may want to distract Subaru, and hold her arm still. Most children find this somewhat upsetting," she warned.

Kakashi held Subaru's arm out, but with one look at the focussed expression on her face, he knew that distracting her wasn't going to work. He remembered the intense focus she had held when she had seen her bleeding hand the day before, and wondered what it was about her own blood that she found so fascinating.

"I think she'll be fine."

Thankfully, Dr. Mukai didn't doubt Kakashi, and took him at his word. She firmly and smoothly slid the thin needle under Subaru's skin, and allowed the blood to be pulled into the small connected vial.

As he had predicted, Subaru paid no attention to the needle, directing it all toward the blood filling the tube. When a second one was filled, the girl seemed to release a near invisible disappointed huff, and showed no more interest in any of the proceedings.

After Dr. Mukai sent off the labelled vials with a medic that Kakashi very vaguely recognised, they passed the time waiting for the results, which had been given a rush order, by scanning Subaru's chakra pathways and mind.

The whole process took a few hours, and Kakashi imagined that if his child was an ordinary baby she'd be incredibly restless by the end of it, rather than the zoned out slouching bored thing she remained.

The blood work came back first, which Dr. Mukai noted was relatively normal.

"She has a high white blood cell count, and is quite low in iron. Has she recently recovered from an illness?"

"She's never been ill that I can remember."

"That's a little unusual, considering the saturation of chakra in her blood. That and the high blood cell count indicate recovery from an illness. You say she's never been ill? How odd. The first years of children's lives usually consist of all manners of small illnesses as they're exposed to world, and gradually build their immune system. Nevertheless, none of these are indicators to explain Subaru's behaviour. The low iron may be contributing, so be sure to feed her a diet of iron rich foods."

Dr. Mukai and Kakashi spent a little while discussing what sort of foods to feed Subaru, before the scans of her chakra pathways and brain came back together. Dr. Mukai studied them both carefully.

"I can't see any abnormalities in her chakra pathways. They're not developed fully, as to be expected in a child her age, in fact they're slightly ahead. But that isn't unusual from a clan child, and it isn't too significant. She has an average amount of chakra for a one year old- closer to what would be seen in a boy, but at this age the difference is negligible, and she could end up with more or it could be less. I can see that she has a higher level of Yin chakra than Yang chakra, so as she grows older, physical exercise will be important in an attempt to balance that."

"Why would she have much higher Yin?"

"That can be explained as a side effect of her advanced brain. From what I've been able to discern, her brain was altered so that it wasn't bigger than the average brain of an infant, but developed differently enough so that it was capable of complex thought much earlier than usual. I imagine this was so that training could start as early as possible. The issue of course, comes with the fact that as Subaru grows, so does her brain. If I compare her brain from when she was born to now, I can see clear continued development, at the rate of an average one year old.

"I don't know what sort of impact this will have on Subaru in the long run. It could result in an extremely advanced intelligence, or additional senses, or it could have a negative effect on her... we simply don't know, and we can only monitor her and wait and see. But for now, I can tell you that her brain shows the development needed for complex emotions and thought, akin to that of an adult.

Of course that doesn't necessarily mean she has thoughts on par to an adult due to her limited life experience, however, it supports my hypothesis."

"What would that be?" Kakashi asked, masterfully hiding how much the unknowns of Subaru's brain troubled him.

"Hatake-san, I believe Subaru is severely depressed," Dr. Mukai stated unapologetically. Kakashi jolted back in his seat, flashes of his father's depression and suicide closing his throat. He knew if he talked, he would sound choked, and so he didn't, swallowing harshly.

"In any other child her age, I would say that she is, at most, on her way to depression. I have only very occasionally seen depression in young children, and never in a child younger than 18 months. However, with Subaru's brain, she is more than capable of being depressed. With such an extreme case, and what you suspect to be a suicide attempt occurring yesterday, usually I would suggest suicide watch, and medication. However, Subaru's system cannot handle the medication for depression, and being as young as she is, I don't believe hospitalisation would be the best choice for her. It could cause her enough stress, that she soon tries again."

Kakashi was deathly still as he listened, his stomach felt cold, and if more of skin was visible, it would have been obvious how pale he had suddenly become. Like a stone weighing down his lungs, was the certainty that his failure as a parent had made his child depressed to the point of suicide. Everything he touched withered and died, and Subaru was going to become one more loved one on the list to willingly die on him.

The pooling blood beneath his father's corpse because he was a blind ungrateful fool, because he wasn't enough, because he was incapable of loving someone without irrevocably hurting them. The crush of rocks above Obito because he was a terrible selfish person, because he wasn't good enough as shinobi, because he was a poor excuse of a friend. Rin's blood dripping down his arm, because he hadn't been fast enough, because he hadn't kept his promise, because all he did was cause the death of his teammates. Minato and Kushina's cooling corpses, pierced through from oversized claws, because he was never where he was needed, because couldn't save a single person who mattered, because this was his punishment for his mistakes.

Subaru. Because he was a failure of a parent, because he never learned from the past, because he was the least deserving of happiness out of all of them, and this was the proof.

"What do I do?" He barely managed to squeeze the words past the lump in the base of his throat, and pretended he didn't feel like he was falling apart on the inside-the only sign was the marginal tightening of his grip on Subaru.

"There are just a few things I'd like to confirm first if you don't mind Hatake-san. Does Subaru show any interest in interaction with those her age or even adults?"

"No."

"Would you say she avoids them at any given opportunity?"

"Yes."

"Does she play with toys voluntarily, of any age range?"

"No."

"Does she initiate contact, or seek your attention at all?"

"Very rarely."

"Does she eat well?"

"Only since yesterday, because I fed her by hand."

"Does she sleep little or a lot?"

"A lot."

"Is she physically active?"

"Not around me."

"Does she initiate eye contact with you?"

"...no."

"How often on average would you say she smiles or laughs?"

"She doesn't."

"Come again?"

"I've never seen her smile or heard her laugh."

"...I see. And her bowel movements? Are they regular?"

"Yes."

"Does she cry a lot?"

"Never."

"What about when in pain?"

"No."

"Is she often irritable, easily angered or grumpy?"

"No."

"When you try to engage with her what is her general response?"

"Nothing. She ignores me."

After each answer, Dr. Mukai jotted down some notes, as Kakashi hid his increasingly turbulent emotions deep inside, resorting to clipped emotionless answers, and keeping his body as still as possible.

Finally, the note taking stopped, and Dr. Mukai looked up, a compassionate, but not overbearing expression on her face.

"There are a few things that I can suggest here Hatake-san, and number one being to keep Subaru close and in sight as much as you possibly can, so that we don't have to hospitalise her while she shows suicidal inclinations. Regarding recovery from her depression, I think it's clear that what may have started out as boredom or something approaching it, quickly deepened when day care didn't provide her the complex relationships and interactions she needed.

I wouldn't suggest sending her back to it if you can help it. What you've been doing for the past week or so has actually been along the right track. Personal one on one interaction is advised, experiment to find out what sort of things will interest her enough to gain her focus, and make sure she continues to move about and get exercise. Take her outside to get fresh air, talk to her and try to get her to respond as much as you can. If feeding her by hand gets her to eat all of each meal then continue with that. The main thing you can provide is a lot of physical affection. She will likely understand the sentiment if not the words behind verbal affection, but I suspect for now physical affection will have a greater impact."

Kakashi felt a bolt of uncertainty at that, "physical affection? Like what?"

It was at this point that Dr. Mukai showed her experience with socially incompetent Shinobi, as she went into great depths to explain how to hold Subaru to express more affection, how tightly, for how long, and when it was appropriate.

"The best thing for her would be with few enough layers between you that she can hear your heart beat, which should be soothing. Skin on skin contact is also very important for both of you. It's largely suggested for mothers but actually fathers can benefit from the bonding experience too. It will lower stress for both of you. Perhaps you can give it a go this evening when you bathe her."

"B-bathe her?" Kakashi stammered at the unexpected suggestion, and received a pointed look in reply.

"Yes, she needs to be washed. Remember, she is more sensitive to temperature than you. You can use bathing her as an opportunity for holding her skin to skin."

"Can't someone else wash her? A female would be more suitab-"

"No. It should be you, Hatake-san. It is evident from what you've told me, that for all Subaru shows a lack of attachment overtly, she is in fact most emotionally attached to you. It's obvious because you are the only person she has shown an inclination to react to. I don't know if you have realised, but she seems to _only_ respond to you, or take initiative with you. This is very important. It means that you have the best chance out of anyone to help Subaru get better."

As seeing the scepticism radiating from Kakashi she added, "look I'm not saying it will be a quick and easy recovery without set backs. In fact, I highly encourage biweekly check ups, which we can reduce once she shows signs of significant improvement. But you are her father Hatake-san, and she is your daughter. I sincerely doubt Subaru hasn't picked up on that fact, and I'm sure that she will respond best to you out of anyone. You don't have to do it alone, and I'd recommend you didn't. You don't want to overwhelm her, but I suggest you gradually introduce Subaru to people who she will be able to interact with as she gets better. You want to make sure you don't burn yourself out caring for her, and have a structure in place where you get the support you need, whether from friends or else where."

Dr. Mukai pulled a blank piece of paper out from a desk drawer and wrote onto it, handing it to Kakashi afterwards, who silently took it and read it.

"I understand you found the books you read to be contradictory and confusing. These are a few I think you will find much more helpful given the unique circumstances, and Subaru's possible levels of intelligence. Finally, if you could keep an eye on Subaru's weight and inform me for our next appointment, I'd like to keep an eye on that."

Kakashi tucked the piece of paper into his pocket silently. He hadn't felt so...steamrolled by another person quite like that in some time. He booked another appointment, and left the hospital in a slight daze, as he made his way home.

He barely even realised he was talking to Subaru as he walked, skipping out on the rooftops for once.

"She sure was something, wasn't she Subaru-chan? Not sure what to think about that. Maybe I'm losing my edge. No, that's not it, I'm sure it was just exceptional circumstances. What do you think about- about what she said? Are you feeling sad, Subaru-chan? I've been there before. It's no fun feeling sad all the time, Su-chan. I'm sorry I haven't been able to stop you from feeling so unhappy. We'll make you feel better soon, though. If anyone can make a really unhappy person happy again, it's Gai. You're lucky you have him as your godfather, huh? Between me and him there's no way you can be d- upset forever."

As he spoke, he ruminated on the conflicting emotions pulling him in different directions. On one hand, as he walked away from the unpleasant shock of what was afflicting his child, he became more hopeful that there was a solution, and a clear way forward now, that didn't inevitably end in Subaru's death. On the other hand, he felt guilty and responsible for her state, which just built on the pre existing shit heap that was his unresolved issues surrounding his loved ones' deaths. This one hit far too close for comfort, and although he hadn't really expected anything better, he had been caught off guard by what the exact problem was.

He couldn't have possibly predicted that putting Subaru in the safety of day care while he did his required year's worth of work would lead to such negative results, but that didn't assuage the voice in his head screaming at him that this was his fault.

All the while he talked about nothing in particular to Subaru, completely missing the fact that she was looking at him, not quite half lidded, and listening carefully to the sounds coming out of his mouth.

* * *

He arrived home, entering through the front, and quickly stripping himself of his disguise, juggling Subaru as he did so, the same as that morning, and immediately went to make food- constantly keeping half an eye out for Subaru, who he had placed by the sofa, and who was ignoring the TV.

Sitting down, with simple meal in front of him, and Subaru in his lap, he fed them both, often paying little enough attention to which bowl he was getting the food out of, that he ended up having them both eat a mixture of each meal. He couldn't stop watching the surprisingly not messy image that was Subaru eating. She looked adorable with such a solemn look on her face, her cheeks puffed out and her lips pursed tight to keep the food inside as she ate.

He didn't resist the urge to stroke his hand over her short, almost translucent pale locks, and then, when he remembered how soft it was, he did it again. He dragged her meal out, and silently looked down at her, watching her chew far too seriously as he dragged his fingers through her hair, catching the occasional strand and twirling it in his fingers.

He felt that familiar unnamed emotion tighten his chest almost pleasantly, and grabbed tightly onto it, in favour of ignoring the overshadowing grief weighing him down from the events of the day before.

Far too quickly the meal finished, and he forced his mind onto the intimidating task of washing Subaru. To his embarrassment, he had completely forgotten that he had needed to do so at all. He had gotten Subaru into day care quickly enough that he had never needed to concern himself with the task, and now he realised he didn't exactly know how to go about it.

He guessed it wasn't going to be too hard, as long as his child didn't turn out to be aqua phobic. But did children need separate soaps and things, for their soft skin? He put the task off for just a bit longer by washing the dishes and cleaning up, but eventually there was nothing left to do, and so with a groan, he lifted Subaru into his arms and made his way to the bathroom.

He guessed the easiest way to go about this was in the bath, which he hadn't used yet. In fact, he hadn't a soak in a private bath in some time. So far, he had stuck with a quick shower after he put Subaru to bed. He felt uneasy about handling a slippery baby in a deep bathtub, in case he did something like dropped her, or got soap in her eyes, but regardless of his fears, he was going to have to give it a try.

Rummaging around the cupboards of the bathroom, he came across kid friendly soaps for both hair and skin, as well as some other products for after a wash, and recognised that Gai must have bought them, since he certainly hadn't. Thanking the man in his mind, he placed them near the bath and turned the tap on.

How was he going to tell when the temperature was baby friendly? He'd have to guess, and trust that if it bothered Subaru she'd 'say' something. As he waited for the deep tub to fill, he resisted the urge to fidget uncomfortably.

"So this could well be your first bath, Su-chan. What do you think about that? How did they wash you at daycare anyway? How often are kids supposed to be washed? How should I wash your hair? Am I supposed to just pinch your nose and... dunk you? That doesn't sound right. I'm sure we'll figure it out, right?"

He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, and looked down as Subaru, who was held in one arm. Despite the fact that he was reasonably sure at this point that she didn't understand what he was saying, she still managed to look completely unimpressed as she looked back at him.

He gave a nervous laugh, and waved his hand in front of his face, "maa maa, no need to give me that look, Su-chan, I'm sure it'll be fine!"

Her look didn't abate, and he deflated, _Kami, I'm fucked. This is going to go completely wrong and Subaru is going to hate me._

* * *

 _So it's a bit off a crap place to end it, but I really want the next bit to be in Subaru's pov. Little bit of an info heavy chapter, but I didn't want to stretch it out._

 _in case you're worried Kakashi isn't reacting strongly enough or getting over Subaru's suicide attempt too quickly; he really hasn't, he's just mostly compartmentalised it, so that he can still function since he's got a baby depending on him. This stuff won't stay locked away in his mind forever and be forgotten._

 _At some point Gai will get a pov but I don't know when. But we do know he'll stick around since he's Subaru's self proclaimed Godfather._


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Here we go. Just a dose of fluff to make up for the tough stuff of earlier. As well the first insight into Subaru's past. There's more to come, because she is (I hope) a multifaceted character, and some of her internal contradictions might not make as much sense without some more reveals of her past.

So this is just the first chapter of her internal recovery, but since she's decided she's going to get better, she's really going to go for it, and so it'll be filled with less humming and hawing over certain positive actions regarding Kakashi than she really expects from herself.

Not much editing here, read at your own risk.

Thank you for the reviews, favs and follows :) Let me know what works for you and what doesn't, as well as any prompts for things I'll do my best to fit in at some point.

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 **Chapter 12 - Cwtch Me When I Fall**

I'd been depressed three times before, back in my original world. The first time was when I was twelve, a year after my dad married my stepmother and in those twelve months afterward, my place in the new family gradually slid from cherished youngest child, to less important than my stepmother's dog.

I had watched everything familiar and comforting to me stripped and thrown away like it was nothing, with a mounting despair and burning fury. I didn't look back on that time and pretend I had been perfect, or that I hadn't in many ways accidentally contributed to my sinking into depression, but nor did I ever consider that I could have done better, or have tried harder to make the transition work for everyone. I had approached the new life with excitement, and done the best that I knew how.

Just when I hit the point that I couldn't bear it anymore, I discovered my mother was putting together a case she was taking to court to get residency of me. It had been far from the first time she had tried, and I had no faith that it would work this time just because I didn't feel good. So I had thought carefully, and realised that what she really needed was physical evidence that I wasn't doing well. I had taken a knife and slashed up and down my arms.

As I had predicted, the adults around me freaked. The doctors were suddenly coming up with diagnoses rather than brushing us off, the judges were taking my mother seriously rather than judging her based off of lies my dad had said in the past, and her skin colour. The Court Welfare officers were desperately trying to cover their arses for all the times they had stated that I would always be better off with my dad. I had been allowed to stay with her for the duration of the court case, was put into the best school around, and the victory easily chased my depression away.

I carried the scars on my arms with pride. And if occasionally during difficult times as a teenager, my fingers itched for a blade to take to my skin- I took up body painting and found pleasure in it.

The second time was when I was sixteen. I became ill in my second to last year of school, a few months before my seventeenth birthday, and in my slow and exhausting recovery, I spent almost seven months nearly entirely isolated in my home. I drifted slowly, almost unnoticeably, into depression, and was stuck there for shortly over two years, as I scrambled to figure out how I was supposed to recover in the midst of panic attacks and existential crises.

The depression had clung to me like sticky tar, and even though it had taken me a year to commit myself to getting better, the journey was so slow and frustrating that at times I felt like giving up entirely. My thoughts, which I was used to speeding on ahead faster than my body could keep up, had slowed and dulled to a frightening rate that I was terrified would never improve- stuck remembering what it was like to make connections between my thoughts at a quicker than average rate, but never capable of it again.

I was so tired all the time, and couldn't remember what it was like to want to run and play and laugh, and be with other people. I dragged myself reluctantly out of bed just before midday each afternoon, shoved myself into the nearest pair of clothes, and went about my day as I forcibly worked my way towards exams that I was ashamed my friends had taken two years ago, avoiding eye contact and with minimal conversation. I knew happiness was possible again, but I didn't know how, and I had spent so long depressed by that point, that I didn't know any other way of being.

I plateaued in my recovery, and had miserably accepted that I had gone as far as I was ever going to go toward joy again. Then my godmother visited me for the first time in years, making time amidst her travelling of the world, and numerous lesbian relationship dramas, to drag me onto a weekend course which she said my mother had done, and made her do as well. I wouldn't have gone if she hadn't paid for it as a gift. I turned up, anxious and sceptical and cynical. I walked away a few days later almost high on happiness and the sheer freedom I felt.

I was dead almost exactly a year after that.

* * *

I knew I was genetically prone to depression, thanks to the string of suicides in my mother's family going at least four generations back. I wasn't sure if that was still the case with my new body, but either way my mind was still the same. I also knew that when it came to getting myself out of the illness, there was no time like the present.

If I wanted to improve I needed four main things to start; good food, good exercise, good human connections, and a good mindset. The last one was slightly out of reach for now, but the third one I could get started on straight away.

It was still emotionally exhausting each time, but throughout the rest of that first day on my way to happiness once again, I did my best to lay down the foundation work of human connection with DFB. I remembered the fondness I had always felt for my mother when she had nagged me into allowing her to feed me right up into my teenage years. It was pretty much a conditioned response to keep eating if someone held food to my mouth for me.

When DFB seemed more than okay to do the same for me, I felt the smallest flickers of respect and contentment inside. I quietly admitted to myself that I liked being small enough to easily fit in someone's lap, and just be able to sink back into them as I ate.

When I was woken up that night by DFBs callused fingertips on the toes and feet, I didn't pretend it wasn't happening. It didn't elicit any emotional response, but I predicted that if it continued as I got better, it eventually would.

With a long night between my epiphany and me, I felt miserable again the next day, and could barely stir my thoughts into any kind of action. I quietly sulked against DFB until he got himself into a disguise. It was to my surprise that I felt a pit of anxiety in my stomach at possibly being taken back into daycare. I hadn't expected to care at all, but it was a sign to me that I clearly felt more than I was aware of toward DFB, if I had any preference.

When I realised we were back at the hospital, gladly watching my blood drawn, and then taken to be scanned, I crossed my fingers that DFB was looking to find out what had led me to my actions the day previously. I didn't know the words to communicate with him, which made things a bit more difficult, and so it would make things simpler if someone told him what was going on with me, as well as what to do.

I still didn't have a clear idea of what the visit was for, even when we returned back to the apartment, but DFB continued to talk to me, and for once, I attempted to listen. He fed me in his lap again, unprompted, as I acknowledged the luke-warm sensation that had replaced the perpetual block of cold stone I carried on top of my lungs.

Things weren't good, exactly, but I was relatively confident they would get there. It wasn't like I had the speed or physical freedom to change my mind and try to end myself again, and so the doubts that might have otherwise plagued me were simply pointless, allowing for no mental direction other than looking forward.

Eventually I noticed that DFB was acting a little odd- almost nervous- and eyed him with slight suspicion. He picked me up from where he had placed me on the floor, and carried me to the bathroom. His voice carried a distinctly sheepish tone, as he approached the bath that I honestly had barely paid any attention to, and began to run hot water into it.

I was a little confused, but couldn't be bothered to pull my facial expression in any which way as I looked at him. Was he having a bath? I'd figured him to be a shower kind of guy, or at least to put me in another room while he washed. Although, since the day before, he'd barely put me down for more than five minutes, and he had certainly not let me out of sight. Was I going to have to sit somewhere and watch him bathe, so he could keep an eye on me?

Against my expectations, when the the bath was run, DFB leaned over it and dipped my foot in. I got my first good look at the thing and was surprised by how much it resembled a deep hot tub, rather than the sort of baths I was used to. It was oval shaped, with a seat ringing around the edge, and looked deep enough to come up to DFBs chest if he stood. I wasn't sure why it had surprised me so much, considering I knew this was a different world entirely, and I was probably very lucky that it was so similar in so many ways to my last one. It was just that most of the things I had seen so far had barely any differences in design. Yes, the buildings were lower than in the cities back home, and clearly the architecture was different too, but I had expected that.

I was knocked from my contemplation when DFB placed me against the back of the countertop next to the sink, and began to unwind the bandages from his shins. If I had been any less lazy with my facial expressions, I was fairly sure my eyebrows would have raised higher and higher on my face, as he unceremoniously removed the weapons pouch and bandages from his thigh as well.

Was he... getting undressed? It wasn't like I was going to be shocked by a naked man if that was where it was going, but this was DFB- whose idea of getting comfortable at home was taking his shoes off, and very occasionally removing his green jacket thingie. The dude didn't even remove his gloves unless he was going to sleep, and even though I knew he changed into more comfortable clothes for bed, it was always right before he slept, and he changed back the moment he awoke- always out of my sight too.

But before my eyes the gloves came off, and then the jacket, and the blue shirt. When he moved to the dark blue skin tight top underneath, which covered his neck and lower face, I considered whether I should avert my eyes and give him privacy. Meh, if he was that bothered about it he wouldn't change in front of me. It wasn't like I was looking at him undressing with lecherous intent either- There was nothing but curiosity about what this person looked like underneath all those layers, what the differences were between the people I had known all my life, and this man who had been a warrior from childhood, what had gone into making the new body I wore, how did he move and how did the muscles shift underneath his skin, would it be completely alien to me?

It was something approaching an artist's eye that I watched him reveal himself, saw the generally small scars that littered him- more numerous than anyone else I knew but still less than I had anticipated. I traced the light tan lines on his forearms between where his gloves ended and the folded sleeves of his shirt began, but curiously absent on his face.

He removed the clothes on his bottom half, and a cursory sweep had me noticing the blatant strength in the muscles of his legs, along with the more prominent scars. It looked like someone had tried to hamstring him more than once.

He had light bruises here and there on his legs and arms in particular, and without clothing to cover it up, his body screamed at me of deadly ability. He held himself like no one I had ever met, and even the comparison that sprung to mind of a big cat- with his corded muscle and deceivingly relaxed stance that belied his ability to move before most people could think- was an inaccurate representation of the calculated, yet unconscious economy with which he moved.

The muscles were not bulging boasts of strength, but tightly packed and lean on him, and spoke of years and years of excellent use. He wasn't skinny at all, but thin perhaps, being the best way to describe him, with broad shoulders.

I was honestly impressed. In fact I didn't even try to convince myself that I didn't find him beautiful. There was no desire there at all within me- but I had gone through my last life thinking my sisters were some of the most beautiful people I had ever met, my middle sister in particular, and DFB easily rated alongside them. It wasn't just pure looks, it was the fact that who they were inside translated through their body. I sat as mesmerised with DFB as had always been with my middle sister and feeling the usual rush of irrational pride.

Finally I shook myself for being ridiculous and watched DFB take off his hitai-ate. It hit me then, that the closest I had ever seen to DFBs face was when he went around in disguise. Outside of that he always had his mask on, and took off his hitai-ate only at night - too dark for me to take a proper look.

I scanned his face intently when he turned to me, and he seemed to notice, because his lips quirked in a small slanted smile and he said something to me. His left eye remained closed, with the scar bisecting it, but the rest of his face was clear. I critically analysed his straight nose, his thin slightly pointed chin, and his jaw which looked far wider without his mask on. His cheekbones were fairly high and jutted out just the slightest bit more than I had realised, and without his hitai-ate his eyebrows appeared more arched and leant his face a more relaxed and friendly appearance when paired with his half lidded eye.

His hair too, fell differently on top of his head, looking less huge and spiky, and lying more messily but naturally, closer to his scalp. If I looked carefully I could spot small lines of light discolouration on his face where wounds had healed, and of course the beauty spot that always reminded me of Marilyn Monroe despite the different placement.

Actually now that I was looking for it, there were definite Marlyn Monroe-esque aspects to his face here and there, which was almost amusing enough to make me smile. I couldn't remember how his lips were portrayed in my original world, but I was fairly sure they were pinker and fuller face to face.

He turned the shower on, and took what was possibly the quickest wash I had ever witnessed without seeming hurried, before coming back out.

DFB approached me, and began to remove the plain top and shorts he'd had me wearing. My eyebrows did shoot up at that. Why did we both need to be- wait, was I going to have a bath? He picked the small body up and held it to his chest, as my mind stalled at the sensation of so much skin being touched.

He continued walking a step or two which confused me, being in the opposite direction of either the shower or the bath. He hooked his fingers into a small section of the wall that jutted out slightly and seemed to have a groove in it deep enough for his hand, and pulled. To my shock I realised it wasn't a part of the wall after all, but a sliding door which when slid open was very well disguised. When it was shut, I saw that it separated the shower and bath from the sink and toilet, which I absently wished had been an aspect of my old house.

I was mildly disappointed when I realised he had taken a small bucket from a cupboard and filled a quarter of it with water from the bath, before he placed me in it slowly, and washed me at almost the same speed he done himself. I sullenly wondered what the point of filling the whole bath with water had been, if neither of us was going to use it. Proving me wrong, as soon as he was finished, he poured the dirty water down the shower drain, then afterward used some small steps I hadn't noticed to climb into the hot tub-bath, and carefully sat down, clearly keeping an eye on my reaction.

I was frozen as my heart picked up pace at the almost uncomfortably warm water surrounding the skin and lapping at the shoulders. I was completely cocooned in warmth- from DFBs body heat to the bathwater. The women at day care hadn't ever given me a proper bath- they didn't really have the time. I'd been sat in a small tub of warm liquid that reached the tops of the legs sat down, and been perfunctorily wiped down with a soapy cloth, rinsed, and removed. It hadn't particularly been enjoyable.

Of course DFB wouldn't know this, but I loved baths. There was little I found more relaxing, and in the depths of my worst days of depression in my original world, I would spend anywhere from three to five hours simply topping up the water and soaking, whilst reading something that could catch and keep my interest- like a book about the Russian Tsars, or Lenin, or Stalin, or Mussolini, or General Pinochet, or General Franco, or Idi Amin. Yes, there was a general trend. Mostly so that I could read about living a life that was so much worse than mine was, and be thankful for it.

The highly positive association I had with baths immediately had my muscles melting and a huge sigh escaping me, as my head plonked down into the top of DFB's pectorals. DFB didn't move or speak for a time, and I luxuriated in the water, slowly getting comfortable with having so much physical contact with him. Truthfully, I loved prolonged hugs too. As my comfort levels rose, DFB began to scoop water onto my shoulders and I started to gently enjoy the experience, even through my general sadness and more common insensate state, I tucked my face further into the warmth of DFBs neck and admitted that this was more than just a prolonged hug. Anyone could give anyone a prolonged hug. This was a cwtch.

No one had ever cwtched with me but my mother, my dad and my sisters. They were some of my best and most precious memories of them. I was being given something so important when I had least expected it, and the realisation had the heavy blanket of clouds parting over my emotions and bringing an unbearable aching grief to my throat, and tears stinging in the back of my eyes. The grey smog soon covered everything back up, before my breath could do more than catch once- the sting in my eyes receded before the tears could truly arrive and the ache dissipated as quickly as it had come.

I briefly mourned the break from my creeping apathy, and distracted myself with DFB. I wanted to thank him for giving me what I needed, when I never could have asked, and leaned back in his hold. He made eye contact with me, asking me something curiously, and I solemnly told him, in my annoyingly young sounding voice, "I like cwtching."

His face creased in confused concentration, and so I made the effort say once more, as clearly as possible, "cwtch."

"Cucchi," he repeated hesitantly. Perhaps it was a little unfair of me, throwing in a welsh word for the best kind of cuddle out there, and previously a Thai word for 'delicious' at meals, but it was the way I spoke and there really wasn't all that much else beyond those two, beside the occasional Hindi or French.

I pointedly leaned back into him and spread the tiny arms as wide around him as they would go, before repeating quietly, but clearly as I could, "cwtch."

"Cucch." The word was awkward sounding coming out of his mouth, and as though he had difficulty stopping the word where it should, but it was fairly close, and so I made an effort to make a sound of affirmation.

He said a distinctly oriental sounding word in my ear in the same manner as I had, and I stumbled in my repetition of it. After failing to repeat after him twice, I leaned back once more and after a tiny spark of mischief encouraged me, I reached the arms out to place the tiny fingers splayed over his mouth, slowly attempting the word again.

His eyebrows shot up, and his eye widened, looking at me in disbelief, before he settled back down, his face showing a mixture of what I thought to be wonder and amusement, and repeated the word slowly, exaggerating the mouth movements.

After one more go, I finally appeared to get it right, "nyūyoku."

I knew I was a little off on the cadence of the word, but he looked satisfied when I said, "cwtch. Nyūyoku," which he repeated.

Now with a translation of the word, I allowed myself to be distracted by the realisation that DFB had a far too smooth chin. I experimentally patted his cheeks, which were also smooth, and twisted- causing DFB to jerk and make a disapproving noise at my sudden shift in weight- in order to pat his arms, with one last pat of his chest, I came to the sudden and pleasant conclusion that DFB had little to no body hair. Clearly he also understood what I had been looking for, because he heaved an exasperated sigh, and said something that sounded mildly amused and mildly irritated.

I didn't particularly care about the fact that he didn't have body hair- as I settled back down against him, I was more concerned with the sudden possibility that _I_ might not have any as I got older.

Luxuriating in warm water, cheek squished against DFB as we cwtched, and looking at a potential future without shaving, I mused to myself that I really could have been reborn in worse places.

* * *

 _CWTCH (As explained by Urban Dictionary): Snuggling and cuddling and loving and protecting and safeguarding and claiming, all rolled into one. There is an element of intimacy, earnestness and ownership in this Welsh word that the closest English equivalents, "cuddle", "snuggle" and "hug" lack. _

_A cwtch creates a private safe place in a room or in two peoples hearts. Cwtching is strong affection made manifest and can apply to lovers, or a parent and child. It is also possible to give a respected associate a non-romantic cwtch. In that scenario, a cwtch would be a heartfelt hug._

 _NYŪYOKU : Japanese for bathing._

 _so no, Subaru and Kakashi really didn't get that translation right._

 _Also I hope the explanation of Kakashi didn't come off as sexual at all, despite the nudity, because that's really not what I was going for- Subaru essentially saw him without his 'character costume' that she's familiar with and realised he was a real physical person underneath all of that, which momentarily brought out some pretty intense emotions._


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So I considered doing a few more 'close encounter' chapters that have a detailed look over a short period of time, but as much as I do enjoy writing them, they can be a complete hassle to move the plot along during a fic in which my main character is a severely depressed woman in the body of a baby, with little motivation.

I thought I'd give this one from Kakashi's pov, so the next one can be Subaru's. A little time skippy, but I hope I give a good summary of what single parenthood is like for a very trying hard Kakashi. And Gai. Because Gai makes things better.

He's still a little emotionally awkward, so he's not gonna be all mushy and cooing and thinking his Su-Chan is adorable. I mean, he does think that, but won't admit it to himself (yet). Probably a good thing, because she probably wouldn't appreciate it when depressed and without her sense of humour.

Obviously Subaru has her own idea of what's going on, and will give a clue of that next chap.

Zero editing again, sorry. But sort of not sorry.

Thank you so much for reviews, favs and follows! Also let me know what works for you, what doesn't work for you, and any prompts for scenes.

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 **Chapter 13 - Watching You**

After the resounding success that was bath time, Kakashi began to set time aside at least twice a week for a long soak together, during which no matter how much of a set back or step forward the day had been, he gladly watched Subaru relax against him. He hadn't noticed how much stress she seemed to constantly carry about with her, until she let it all go in the warm water. Despite his initial reluctance, their time together in the bath quickly set the tone for what he realised she needed - regular and consistent affirmation that he was there for her.

For someone who he had been told had avidly grasped for every inch of independence in her first year, the more he carried her, held her, fed her, bathed her, spoke to her, the more receptive she became.

It was undoubtedly slow at first, and there were days in which she simply wasn't interested. But she didn't lie on her back staring off into the distance any more, she would climb into his lap and tuck her face away from the world.

That was when he also learnt that if she truly wasn't interested in something she would pretend it didn't exist, and wouldn't compromise no matter how he cajoled. Gai was one example.

At first they both thought that she was completely indifferent to the man's existence, or perhaps even didn't like him, due to the fact that she completely ignored Gai no matter his attempts at interaction- but when one day she whispered 'Gomen', picking up on Gai's subtle disappointment, looking more exhausted than usual, he realised that she was a very easily tired out child, and probably simply didn't currently have the energy for someone like Gai.

After this explanation, Gai did his best to tone down his exuberance, which wasn't by much, and she at least stopped turning her face away from his direction when he was in the room.

Talking was something that baffled Kakashi at first. It was the first clue that very quickly pointed to the fact that Subaru had a cache of knowledge she simply shouldn't have. Subaru had never seen a man without his shirt on, but knew some males had chest hair. She knew words that became clear formed a language that had no basis in anything Kakashi knew. There were certain experiences that should have been completely new for her that she showed no surprise to.

When she was exposed to blades accidentally for the first time, she knew to pick them up by the handle and avoid the sharp edge. She knew not to touch fire. There was small things about human interaction which she already knew, and he couldn't fathom how she'd know considering she had avoided it so much in her first year- she seemed to understand how much eye contact was socially acceptable, and how to use her body to indicate whether she was listening, wanted something, or needed to be left alone, in a manner which was far from unthinking.

When a cat got into the apartment once, she showed no curiosity or unfamiliarity with the animal despite him knowing she had never seen one face to face before. There were dozens of little things that he began to notice more and more, and although he kept it to himself for the time being, Kakashi couldn't help but wonder where this knowledge came from.

Every single source told him Subaru should be living the years fundamental to forming her personality, constantly watching and learning from the world around her to understand it better. From what could observe, Subaru had already formed a fully functioning personality which became more and more evident as she got better.

She was too smart, too good at understanding subtext and nuances through body language, intonation and facial expressions, too fluid in switching between the face she wore in public and who she was when it was only him around, too self aware.

The only reason he didn't worry more was that she showed no inclination toward lying to him, or hiding from him. There were times he got the distinct impression that she had consciously chosen to be transparent with him. This was never more apparent than in the way she learnt- she tackled speaking first, and for each new word she learnt she showed determination to share her version of the word.

Then she started connecting words she had learned to create new definitions, and began to teach him the translated foreign words he hadn't approached yet. She understood concepts too easily as well, like she knew one version of it already and was simply being introduced to the same thing being described differently.

He took her to parks and empty fields, simply getting her to walk and find her balance on uneven ground at first, moving onto a small amount of climbing up and down banks and rocks to have picnics. She always approached these moments with reluctance written all over her face, but said nothing in complaint and never refused. When he began to talk to her as they moved in order to distract her, she showed a touch more enthusiasm, but it was clear she found the walks they went on slightly frustrating.

Every two weeks they had an appointment with Dr. Mukai, who Kakashi easily came to respect. The woman's advice was always excellent, and he was tempted to ask her about Subaru's almost unnatural knowledge. It was only the child's reluctance to interact with her that prevented him. In the end, the only person who was given an inclination of Subaru's intelligence levels was Gai, when in his determination to find something the two could do together, he came by with a Go board to teach her- only to find out she already knew how to play, admittedly not well, but the rules were already known to her much to their confusion.

In return she drew, to create two lines of long spiky triangles on opposite edges of a piece paper, used some of the Go stones to lay them on top of some of the triangles, and grabbed the large pair of dice that were part of the baby toys she barely touched. She didn't need to teach either of them to play, since they already recognised the game- but it was one that had only really gained popularity amongst the upper class. She called it 'backgammon'.

Beyond a surreptitious glance toward each other, Kakashi and Gai carefully didn't react to this.

* * *

Day by day, as the months went by, Kakashi kept very close watch over her progress. He learnt she didn't like watching TV, and loved sweet things with an almost frightening fanaticism, she didn't like shouting or loud noises, and was never more content curled up against his chest while he rubbed her back and read a book or they quietly taught each other words. He discovered, when he first introduced her to written words, that she was nearly aggressive in her desire to be taught to read, but was too self conscious to openly learn anything in front of anyone who wasn't Gai or himself. He learnt she didn't like other children her age and would go out of her way to avoid them. She also didn't much like other women from what he could tell- when they tried to coo at her or get her to talk to them when they went in public, Subaru would hide her face from them and went terribly tense- at first he thought they intimidated her, or she worried he would leave her with them like day care, but on one occasion when he spotted her face before she buried it in his neck he saw it morph into an expression of fury he had never seen on her before.

To be honest, she didn't seem much interested in talking to men either, but they were generally more inclined to ignore her when they were in public and she seemed fine with that. It was another thing that he was a touch baffled by- other children wanted attention, they squealed and shouted and whined and showed off or threw tantrums. Yes, some were shy and insecure and frightened, but Kakashi suspected that wasn't why Subaru was more than happy to fade into the background and be ignored by everyone else.

And that was another thing- when her attention was required by anyone but him and Gai, she either refused to give it, or was incredibly wary and reluctant about doing so, but when she was ignored and the adults talked over her head acting as though she wasn't there, she _watched_ them with more than just curiosity. Perhaps he only noticed it because he was her parent and could translate the tiny differences in her expression and body movements better than anyone else, but when she was in public she assessed everyone around her, watching their body language, the way they gesticulated, and spoke to different people, with a distinctly calculating look in her eye.

By the end of every week, when Kakashi thought back to the start of it, he could see clear progression and improvement. It brought him hope and got him through the days each week in which Subaru didn't want to talk, or eat, or move, or even look at him- where she gave that world weary sigh, with a look of tired despair, both of which he had grown to hate, and limply lay in his arms.

As the weeks went by though, those days went from half the time, to less than half, to two days a week, to about once a week, to just now and then. And as those days went down, Kakashi introduced games that involved finger dexterity, and stretches, and allowed Gai to teach Subaru how to cartwheel and do a handstand, and took her on longer and tougher treks.

He never left her alone. Unless she was using the bathroom, during which he waited outside, he always had at least one eye on her. The few times he'd personally been asked to take on a mission, Gai was the person he went to, to look after her, and the man had been given explicit instructions about what to and what not to do.

* * *

As time moved on, and he learnt about about her idiosyncrasies, it became increasingly apparent that she was holding something of herself back. It was obvious in the way that sometimes she pointedly didn't react or say anything after she knew she'd done something particularly unusual. It was only the fact that she never bothered hiding these moments that stopped him from commenting. She had a secret and as she gained energy and they became more and more comfortable together, the way she skirted around it without pretending she was doing anything but, let him know that she would tell him at some point.

Kakashi remained grateful for Gai's presence for so many things; sometimes, when he just needed to get away from the constant never ending life that was being a parent, Gai seemed to magically turn up with loud offers to watch over his 'beautiful blossom' and allow Kakashi to slip away for some of the day to be alone, or spend the time with one of his fellow shinobi. There were times when looking after Subaru was undoubtedly frustrating, it felt like he was getting no where, and he silently despaired that she would never recover fully- allowing his thoughts to spiral down negatively where anger and resentment waited. Gai could tell when he was having one of those moments, and would cheerfully point out the landmarks that he and Subaru had reached together and how far they'd come. He knew that Gai also had what was likely becoming an incredibly large stash of photographs of them hidden away somewhere.

But above all, what would cement Gai as his best friend, was the first time the taijutsu expert had deemed Subaru ready to witness one of their infamous challenges. And of course, he chose to challenge Kakashi on who could create the best piece of art via senbon pierced wooden plank, whilst simultaneously throwing Subaru five meters into the air to serve as a time limit.

Kakashi, unwilling to upset Subaru, intended to decline, but apparently the girl had understood enough of the challenge that he witnessed a spark of interest from her. He was more than confident of their ability to keep her safe, and so agreed. Kakashi went first, and lost, because he was too distracted by the noise that left Subaru's mouth while she was in the air. She _screamed_ with laughter, and he watched dumbfounded, as his subdued child turned into a delighted ecstatic, noisy creature for the first time in her life. Even when he caught her she didn't stop laughing for some time, and clearly wanted to go again.

Gai caught that moment of her midair on camera, and Kakashi framed it. He may have missed the first time she walked, and clearly the first time she spoke, but he was there for the first time she smiled and the first time she laughed.

It was the day Kakashi discovered that there was no distance too high for Subaru, and no speed too fast for her- no matter how bad of a mood she was in, all he had to do was throw her high into the air and she turned into a screaming laughing child at least for a few minutes. It was also the day she finally opened up to Gai, who looked almost more thrilled than Kakashi could remember ever having seen him.

After that, much of Gai and Subaru's Godfather goddaughter bonding was spent with Gai throwing Subaru to stupid heights, and carrying her on his first lap around Konoha at high speed. He admitted to himself that he would have been jealous, if she didn't still flat out ignore three out five things Gai said; just like him. So proud.

* * *

Some days felt like they passed ridiculously quickly- on the days when Subaru's unquenchable enthusiasm for knowledge became apparent, as she pushed to learn more and more and more spoken and written words, when she had the energy to explore, to run, jump, cartwheel and climb, when she talked to him with her odd accent in their still quite broken conversations that were fast becoming a mix of what they called 'his words' and 'her words', when she ate all of her food without him needing to cajole her, when he did or said something to bring out those little flickers of amused mischief, when she relaxed peacefully during their baths with the occasional quiet comments here or there, when she laughed at Gai and him and then fell asleep on him in the evening as he read.

Some days felt like an eternity- when Subaru was unable to summon a single smile all day, when dragging any noise from her was nearly impossible, when she stared at the food on her plate like it was paper and forced her lips open for each mouthful, when she glanced dismissively at games and books, and ignored him when he asked questions, when she shut her eyes at the sight of Gai, and looked more depleted with each step she took, with each minute she spent outside, when she looked at the world around her like she was hopelessly searching for something she knew she wouldn't find, and lay too still against him in the bath as fleeting expressions of sorrow darted across her face, when she curled up too early and fell into sleep as though she couldn't bear her reality for a second longer and her dreams were her desperate retreat.

But in either case, Kakashi learnt that whatever he had thought of parenting in their first year together had been completely inaccurate; Subaru fast became the first thing he saw in the morning, the last thing he saw at night, and the main thing he focussed on all day. Even when he wasn't with her, she was never far from his thoughts, and she easily became the most important aspect of his life. Being her parent quickly became an integral part of his identity, where previously only the fact that he was a shinobi dominated. How good he felt about himself was largely reliant on how good of a parent he appeared to be, and how much Subaru improved.

His priorities shifted from sharp enough and numerous enough kunai, high quality ration bars, well completed missions for Konoha, the next Icha Icha book and getting back home in the evening, all at the top of the list, to making sure meals were healthy and on time, how much Subaru smiled or spoke in a day, bath time, enough fresh air and exercise for her, the next Icha Icha book and learning the next thing he could about his strangely mysterious child.

It was a dramatic shift, and when he looked at himself he was left reeling at the differences, despite the care he took to show none of this when he was out in public as himself.

* * *

It was just over six months after _That Day_ Kakashi was summoned by the Sandaime. He dropped in by Gai's apartment, and when he saw the man was in, he left Subaru with him, before he made his way to the Hokage building. Once there, the Sandaime hit him with a completely unexpected request.

"I'd like to put you forward as Jonin-Sensei this year, Kakashi."

There was an incredulous pause as Sarutobi's words sunk in, and Kakashi stared at the man.

"I would make a terrible Jonin-Sensei."

"You have too little faith in yourself. I think you have more to give as a Jonin-Sensei than you give yourself credit."

"Regardless, Sandaime, we agreed last year that I would be given this year-"

"To spend as much time as you needed in and around the village, yes. The graduation exam for the Genin potentials is in a week, after which you have plenty of time to train them, take on D rank exams around the village, and the occasional C rank in the latter half, during I will be sure to give you C rank missions that keep you close to home."

"I'm a single parent, I don't have the time to dedicate myself to a Genin team on top of my child, one of them would end up neglected. If it was the Genin team that could lead to death if they're underprepared, and if it was Subaru..."

 _That could eventually lead to death too._

"The fact of the matter is that taking on a Genin team gives an excellent excuse for you staying around the village in the first place, Kakashi. Without that there is a chance that people will take a closer look at just what you spend your time doing. You're a high profile shinobi in Konoha, and one of our best. It makes people curious."

Kakashi knew it was Sarutobi's way of ensuring whatever pressure existed on the man to send Kakashi back into the depths of ANBU or to send him on high ranking missions, backed off. If Subaru was healthy, he wouldn't necessarily have been happy, but he would have been far more willing to take on a Genin team. As it was, he didn't think he could afford to take on anything extra when she needed him so much.

A quietly resentful voice in the back of his mind whispered that if he was a single mother he wouldn't be asked to choose between a trio of Genin strangers and his baby. But the comment did him no good, and so he merely stated.

"I'll think about it, Sandaime."

"Please do. Let me know within two days, so that I have definite number of Jonin-Senseis."

Kakashi bowed once, and without wasting any time, nor giving a sign to hasty plan forming in his mind, he left.

Immediately he made his way outside of the academy, with a clear view of the soon to be graduating class. He spent some hours observing them, and was disappointed in the quality that he was presented with. Perhaps he wasn't any better as a child, but there wasn't a single hint of cohesiveness within the class. The girls mostly fought amongst themselves about which boys liked them best, and the boys mostly fought amongst themselves about who could outdo who physically. As if any of that mattered at the age they were at.

Nevertheless, he got what he wanted from watching them, and the next day, after he had once again dropped Subaru off with Gai to watch the man train, he gave Sarutobi his answer.

"I'll take on a Genin team on the proviso that they pass the bell test Minato-Sensei gave my Genin team."

Neither men were anything approaching stupid, and Sarutobi knew what the chances of that happening were. Despite that, Kakashi was not being unfair, or unreasonable. He gave the okay, and Kakashi left knowing he was free for at least another year from having to give up a good portion of his time with Subaru for some preteen brats.

The next week he explained to Subaru where he was going, and they both learned a new word from each other, meaning 'doomed'. Cheered up considerably by her comment he left late, having wasted some time throwing the shrieking girl up in the air and accepting a stupid dance challenge from Gai which had left Subaru crying with laughter.

As he predicted, the Genin hopefuls failed miserably, and immediately turned on each other. What had left him walking away thoughtful, however, was the stark differences between them and Subaru.

Interacting with children, even those over ten years older than his own, had suddenly highlighted to Kakashi just how unusual she was. Despite the huge age gap, Subaru still managed to come across as more mature than the twelve year olds. She was more self contained, and even though she was still learning their meanings, she was more careful with her words- she had a better understanding of the sort of impact what she said had.

If she had still been deeply depressed, he could have convinced himself it was her withdrawn quiet nature. But he thought she was on the tail end of that severe depression, and had entered something that wasn't quite healthy yet, but was certainly lighter.

He had once thought that she had so much less life in her to expend than everyone else- she was diminished-, and while he didn't think she was quite up the same standard as other kids yet, she was definitely much improved. And yet, looking at the kids, it was like they could barely contain their energy. They couldn't keep still, they were impulsive, and thoughtless, and self absorbed, and loud. Like puppies, he thought. So glaringly obvious in their naivety.

Subaru kept what energy she had tightly and carefully contained inside her. She was still, and watchful. She watched people like they were just as much potential threats as they were potential allies. He'd often gotten the sense that Subaru didn't say anything to anyone who wasn't him, if she hadn't already made a calculated guess at what the exact impact and consequences of her words would be. Even with Gai, she fell into that habit, albeit in a looser more relaxed way. Even he himself wasn't entirely exempt. She was dismissive of others in a way that wasn't a contrived attempt at looking cool, or even contempt, but a genuine lack of care for the majority of other people she met.

She unapologetically gave people her time based upon what they could do for her, and how interesting she found them. And as she became more energetic and able to interact without tiring herself out, he watched half impressed, as a fantastically convincing mask began to make its appearance in public, of a soft, self possessed, polite, quiet and sweet child, with a tendency for daydreaming.

Above all, though, was that she seemed to know all of these things about herself, and purposely dropped most of the facades around him. That she was capable of being so silent in her pointed honesty toward him, showed an ability far beyond most of the children who became Genin.

The only reason he had noticed so much about her, despite her lack of hiding from him, was that he watched her so closely, analysing her behaviour for signs of regression.

But even then, it had taken for three children to fall across his feet, to realise quite how unlike a child she was.

When he got home that day, more watchful of her than ever, he realised he saw the same watchfulness of him in her eyes. He looked at her, as she looked at him, and he wondered if they both had the same look in their eyes; so incredibly fond, curious, confused with just a touch of wary caution.

It didn't occur to him until that point, that as he had been learning her, she had been learning him- that perhaps she could read the smallest expression in the micro movements of his features and posture the same he could for her.

That perhaps he had come across someone, who for the first time since Minato-Sensei, he would struggle to keep any secrets from at all that they couldn't drag from him with just a look. He didn't know if the thought warmed him, or chilled him.

* * *

 _So Kakashi is definitely aware there's something up with Subaru, and she knows he knows, and he knows she knows he knows. And they both know she's gonna tell him at some point, or he's gonna find out. Which they have both chosen to be pretty chill about, since it's inevitable._

 _How was Gai's presence as her Godfather, and their budding Godrelationship? What do you guys think of Kakashi's interpretation of Subaru?_

 _In terms of what might be construed as Subaru's proclivities to calculate, deceive or lie even without speaking; hes noted it, but hes not gonna be bothered about that. Specially bcause she didn't exactly show the ability to do anything that actually a heck of a lot of adults do. The fact that she shows trust in him enough not to automatically do that, is what matters to him._


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Wow, this really is a rambling stream of consciousness chapter. I honestly don't think it's all that interesting, but there are some bits/thoughts/conclusions which are pretty important.

Plus its a build up to the big reveal. It'll probably be in either next chap or the one after. There's a few other things I know I would do if I was her, to take advantage of the misconception of age before it's ruined, which will be in next chap. If it's fit in well enough, the reveal will be in the same chap.

once more, no editing done.

Anyways, Thank you so much for reviews, favs and follows! Let me know what works, what doesn't work for you, and any prompts for me to fit in at some point.

* * *

 **Chapter 14 - It's Easy, All You Need Is**

Something that my mother had found endlessly frustrating about me once I'd gone to live with her, was my complete inability to trust. She would scream at me sometimes, having had the fallout of my lack of trust land in her lap out of no where, that she was the parent and not me- that I had to trust her or she couldn't help me. I would stare at her without comprehension, as she asked from me something that I couldn't remember ever having given anyone.

How was I supposed to trust her when I didn't know what trust even was outside of it's written definition? She looked at me and my behaviour, and claimed that I didn't trust. _I_ looked at my behaviour and all I saw was the same that had always been there, completely baffled at how it was any different than anyone else. She asked for me to trust her and I didn't _understand_.

With hindsight I could look back on that, and know that it was because I thought my emotions were something that simply happened to me, largely outside of my control. Things happened and I felt briefly happy, things happened and I felt briefly sad, things happened and I felt briefly angry, things happened and I felt briefly what I thought was love. I assumed something was supposed to happen for me to feel trust that clearly she wasn't doing.

It wasn't until I was exiting my second bout of depression, when it was explained to me that trust was not an emotion that occurred to me. Trust was a choice, it was something that one chose to do once and then had to keep choosing over and over again. It was something I thought was completely irrational, and asking for inevitable betrayal. But the same person told me, that betrayal did not exist anywhere but in my head based upon my expectations not being met, and if I could go my entire life choosing not to trust, surely I could also go my entire life choosing not to feel betrayal.

After that, I chose to trust my sisters and I never regretted it.

* * *

A week after I threw myself into getting better as much as I could, I watched DFB support me in doing so, never once leaving my side if he could help it. With building appreciation, I saw him choose me over and over again, in little ways and big ways. Even when I was lost in the depths of my apathy, or was drowning in unhappiness, a part of me was constantly keeping an eye on him.

He didn't falter once that I saw, and approached my emotional struggles with an endless quiet patience and dedication, that I couldn't stop watching. I felt something about it but I didn't know what. All I knew at the time was that if it truly didn't touch me, I wouldn't have noticed at all. Eventually as I got better, I felt impressed, and then as my feelings developed into more than just a fuzzy white noise in the background, I realised I was humbled by his dedication to me.

The only person who had been so relentlessly there for me was my mother, but even that was for my sisters and I combined. I venerated that woman, and made no apologies for it. But no one had ever showed such unwavering loyalty to just me.

So I faced my expectations of him, which I had automatically and subconsciously tagged on as conditions for trust, and picked them apart for analysis so that I could dismantle them entirely. The first thing that I came face to face with was the reality that DFB was a part of a hierarchy in the military dictatorship, of which I was now a part of. Child soldiers were not abhorrent here, traitors were day to day realities he faced, and I didn't believe in 'nice dictatorships' no matter what they looked like from the surface. Nevertheless, this was a place DFB was staunchly loyal to, and I had zero guarantee he was more loyal to me than he was to Konoha, just because I was of his blood.

Realistically, I could choose to vastly play down my intelligence and how developed I was, in the hopes that it would save me from scrutiny and completely minimise risk to my safety. However, I didn't kid myself that I could trick a man who was trained since a child to spot such subterfuge in behaviour. On top of that, with the presence of stupidly young child soldiers, he wouldn't be inclined to underestimate me due to age.

Exposure of my lies could bring down far more scrutiny on my shoulders than anything else, alienate DFB, and completely fuck myself over. Even if I succeeded, I faced living a life not having a single person I trusted fully to tell the truth- it was a one way ticket to eventual depression and anxiety again.

I could also not downplay anything at all, but completely cover up the fact that I was literally an adult in a child's body, with a life time (albeit cut short) of memories and experience. I had a better chance of getting away with this due to the pure absurdity that was the truth. The only issue with that, was that a part of me railed at the idea of keeping my past and the people who mattered to me a secret like it was something shameful. Additionally, if I wanted to escape from depression entirely, I would need to talk about shit, and DFB was one of the few people I thought cared enough about me, that he wouldn't be inclined to blab to higher ups, whilst also having enough emotional depth to lend me the sort of ear I needed.

Then came the reason I viewed blabbing to higher ups as betrayal; Danzo. If this world was anything like my original world had described, particularly concerning the under the table deals, and behind the curtains shady shit, Danzo was either a present and powerful threat, or someone/multiple people like him existed. Right here in Konoha. Whom Sarutobi had given power to, and turned his head the other way or sanctioned their actions.

They had links to the other shady fuckers, and if it got out that I potentially knew secrets that they would not want sharing, I was in serious shit. Those secrets that I was possibly privy to were an excellent way to power play. But I wasn't interested in that, because I'd be playing against men twice or three times my age at least, with much greater experience at it. It was an almost guaranteed loss. So the closest I could get to a guarantee of my safety regarding that, was keeping completely silent on it. Which wouldn't be all that difficult since it wasn't like Naruto had been a significant part of my life until I was reborn.

All I had to do was not mention one tiny aspect which was previously not at all significant. The rest of the truth was a risk I had to be willing to take, if I ever wanted to trust someone. I had to make the choice to trust DFB with the knowledge that this was my second life, in a new universe, with full understanding that there was a chance he would tell the wrong person entirely, and I would be forcefully sucked into a world of shinobi to be killed or turned into a pawn, or watched very carefully for the rest of my life.

It came down to the fact that I simply didn't want to live a life filled with only secrets. This was my second run of things, and I wanted to do things my way. Fuck the consequences.

So I watched the man who humbled me, and I chose to trust him.

I wasn't stupid about it- I was still well aware that despite the chance I had taken, DFB sharing my past was not a desirable outcome at all- and figured that he was much more likely to be emotionally invested in my wellbeing, particularly the risks loose lips could do to it, if he had time to get to know me better, to spend more time with me, to become more open to the idea that there was even a secret there in the first place.

Although I carefully didn't hide anything from him, I certainly did not go spilling it all the moment I had the vernacular for it. Especially because, in the case of me needing to persuade DFB not to go running off with the information, I'd need to be able to appeal to his emotions. In order to do that I needed my ability to cognitively empathise in tact, which it definitely was not when I was deeply depressed.

Instead, with strong faith in his loyalty for the time being, I allowed myself to focus almost completely on getting better. I forced myself to talk to him, and taught him English words so that we could communicate faster. I forced myself to walk alongside him when we were out, despite my internal anger at how fucking stupid and limited the fucking body I wore was. I went to him for comfort, and didn't fuss that he barely let me alone. I let myself become interested in the written language, and didn't suppress myself when he taught me.

At first Gai was a loud, overwhelming, obnoxiously exhausting presence, which I couldn't even bear to contemplate acknowledging. But eventually, we found common ground in the games he taught me- especially Go, which I had only learned how to play a few weeks before I died. I accepted the parts of them that they showed me, and showed them parts of me as well.

Bit by bit, far too slowly for my impatient self, but unwaveringly nevertheless, my head began to clear from it's heavy fog, the body felt more awake, I was able to do more in a day without crashing, and I could have more and more moments in which I had enough energy to contemplate someone other than myself.

* * *

I had always thought that even without the person intending for it to be, depression was inordinately selfish. I was never more selfish than when I was depressed, regardless of my intentions, and from what I had witnessed others were the same. It was with almost visceral relief that my world expanded beyond just myself, to take a proper look at what was around me.

I began to watch those around me from the safety of DFB's arms, and learn. I analysed what the women wore- how much skin they exposed, how different people reacted to that, and how they themselves acted. I analysed what the men wore- how much of it was practical vs cosmetic, who noticed, how did they react. I observed the cultural differences between the shinobi and the civilians, and how they responded to each other. I saw how adults responded to little boys vs little girls, the way they were dressed, what games they played, the language used to speak to them or about them. I saw how attitudes changed toward shinobi and civilians as they got older.

I compared the quality of the teeth and skin of civilian and shinobi, higher class and lower class. I saw the body posture and gestures common amongst the rich vs the commoners vs the poor. Who gave way to who in the street and why? Who was ignored, who was noticed, who was whispered about reverently, or with disapproval. Who was feared and who was approachable. What sort of age did people marry and who did they marry? What were the jobs and who took them?

Which animals were considered pets and which were pests? What was considered punishable, and what were the punishments? What was a crime and what was merely taboo? What were the attitudes toward sex, who could you have it with and when? What was the family structure of a civilian family or a shinobi family or a wealthy family or a poor one?

Was homosexuality a norm, something done in secret, a taboo or illegal? What was considered beautiful vs sexy vs pretty vs comely vs cute vs handsome? How were disabled, both mentally and physically, people treated or talked about? Which groups joked about what and to whom?

Whose opinion was respected and why and whose opinion was invalid and why?

All of these things and countless others I watched and pulled apart and learned. I searched for the obvious differences and similarities in our respective cultures, and then I looked for the more subtle ones. With each thing I observed, the near constant plans in my mind ticked away. I ripped little pieces of people from their whole that I could wear myself, and underneath the surface, I built a persona who would be as exempt as possible from the prejudice and expectations of society.

I had painstakingly done the same in my last world. Slowly, painfully, driven by social anxiety, fear and the constant ache of feeling like a rejected outsider. Eventually, I realised it wouldn't matter if I had the greatest facade in the world, I would always feel like that unless I changed something fundamental about the way I saw the world and myself. With more work, I did, and I became so much more confident and comfortable in myself having been through years of turmoil and doubt about my place. However, that didn't change the fact that I had been left with an excellent, almost ingrained, persona which I saw no reason not to wield freely and with enthusiasm.

It had saved me from a lot of bullshit I saw other people go through, and I was more than willing to do the same for this world.

DFB saw all of this, and if I wasn't imagining it, he approved.

As my health improved, my internal world expanded from one to three; myself, DFB and Gai. With every nuance that they went out of their way to learn about me, with every time they purposefully or accidentally made me smile and laugh, for every minute DFB held me close, or Gai came out with something surprisingly perceptive before racing around Konoha with me in his arms, my heart opened up to them just a little bit more.

The little things began to make me appreciate the fact that we knew parts of each other that no one else did; it was obvious in the way that DFB stopped wearing his mask at home, so that I could see his lips move to help me understand what he was saying, and the way Gai had made a hobby of capturing every significant moment with me on camera, in the way that neither of them made a big deal out of the fact that there was something so obviously different between me and other kids, in the way that DFB without mentioning it spoke to me in englanese- easily keeping track of what words I did or did not remember, it was in the way that both of them would automatically play catch with me as the ball if they thought I looked down.

* * *

It started as a quiet realisation on the day that DFB went to test his doomed Genin team; I dangled upside down from Gai's hands and screeched with laughter as he flipped me mid air to catch me the right way up, we paused for a moment as I caught my breath and my beam was almost as large as his. Something small in the back of my thoughts whispered to me, that this was love.

I neither rejected, nor accepted that thought for the time being, and simply left it for later. As it sat there, the thought built each time I thought about Gai or DFB. I felt love when I was with them.

DFB was thoughtful and introspective when he came to pick me up. It wasn't too unusual of him, but there was an air of seriousness around him when he looked at me that was usually absent. We made eye contact, and something built in the air that I thought was anticipation. I wasn't too worried, when I saw the strong fondness ( _love_ ) that radiated from him alongside everything else.

My thoughts raced in that moment. Love was something I could feel for many people, certainly, but it was also something that would fade again, and which if I wanted to I could ignore almost entirely while it was present. That was, unless I chose not to. Choosing to love DFB was not so easy as that, it had implications. The love I chose was obsessive, protective, intense, occasionally frightening for some, loyal, unwavering and unconditional.

I never chose to love anyone I hadn't already chosen to trust. But I already trusted DFB, and I trusted Gai too. If I chose to love them, DFB in particular, they would become everything to me. My reasons for living, my main priorities in life. I was a very self indulgent, self absorbed and selfish person. I knew that those were the words which were often attributed to me by those who got a prolonged look underneath my personas. Cool, aloof, Machiavellian, were used by the people who liked and respected me. My saving grace had always been how open I was in my adoration of my loved ones. With some rare exceptions, my attitude was me and those I loved came first and fuck the rest.

And so loving DFB became as easy as that, regardless of implications. I stared at DFB, allowing the rest of me to become present to my conscious choice, feeling the wave of complete and utter awe wash over me until I could barely breath.

"I love you. God. I- I really love you."

The emotion was suffused in my voice, and I could tell DFB knew what I had said, but I hadn't taught him the word love in English, and so the stupid bastard tilted his head in order to stall for time.

"What does that word mean? Love." His tone purposely light and almost uncaring.

Unperturbed, I lifted my arms, and he obligingly picked me up. He was too tense, and too still for me to be convinced of his act.

I placed my hand over my heart, and then over his. "Love. It's an emotion. I love you."

I could see his nonchalant demeanour strain at the edges, the corner of his eye crease slightly like when he was overwhelmed with positive feelings and didn't know what to do about it. His lips parted slightly as he struggled for breath for a moment. He looked out the window, and took another quick inhale, before making eye contact with me again.

"I see. I...love you," there was a rough edge to his throat, and impulsively I leaned forward to peck his cheek.

"Thank you, for _everything_ , tou-san." A choked noise escaped him, and he squeezed me tight against his chest, burying his face in my hair.

Something was growing underneath the fantastic feeling, but I didn't pay any attention to it for the time being. Whatever emotion or issue I had knocked loose could be dealt with later. For now, I simply revelled in the moment.

* * *

 _She's not entirely well yet, but she's gotten past the worst of her depression. The last things that come limping in when recovering from depression are sense of humour, prolific bad language, creativity, inspiration and spontaneity for me. Not quite there yet :)_

 _How do you think Kakashi will react to finding out his child is a reincarnated adult woman?_


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I forgot to put it last chapter but normal spoken words are in Japanese and underlined words are in English.

A very short chapter that's more like a half chapter. I didn't want it to be in the same one as any secret revealing because it's completely the wrong tone. I had to put this in, because I would genuinely do something like this.

I wanted to put this up about 7 hours ago, but if I post two chapters within 24 hours of each other the second doesn't register and so no one finds it.

Thank you so much for your awesomeness reviews, and for the favs and follows! Let me know what works for you, what doesn't work as well, and any prompts for scenes you'd like.

* * *

 **Chapter 15 - Tou-san?**

There was something about feeling love that was like a shot of caffeine to the system. Except... without the cold sweating, insomnia, jitters, and almost painful heart palpitations. Yeah, caffeine and energy drinks really didn't go well with my previous small body.

But that wasn't the point. The point was that the energy boost of such strong feelings of love every time I thought about or saw DFB, and to a slightly lesser extent Gai, reignited something within me that I had honestly forgotten was an integral part of who I was; a troll.

I used the term troll because prankster wasn't quite the right word. What I did was nothing reminiscent of the pranks I remembered watching on the internet, it was purely taking advantage of other people's preconceptions to make myself laugh on the inside.

The thing was, my public face always leaned toward polite, demure, inoffensive, fairly quiet and prone to small sweet smiles or sometimes chuckles ( _they were not giggles fuck off I didn't giggle_ ), in conversation with others I was notoriously neutral- able to empathise with just about anyone, even if I didn't approve- and even my sense of humour was highly politically correct and tended toward very light teasing remarks at most, or mild self deprecation.

To those who knew me a little better, it became obvious that when I was healthy, I walked through life like it was my own internal joke thanks to the running commentary my mind provided. I took no pleasure in hurting people with my sense of humour, but I had continued to shock and outrage even my closest friends years after they had become mostly inured to the awful things that came out of my mouth. Part of me was aware that once my mental health was back to top form, DFB was going to at least have needed his toe dipped in the water otherwise he would likely be very confronted.

After all, I had a 21st century female's sense of humour. It wasn't going to be tame.

* * *

I had no intention of holding myself back, and so when that familiar mischievous urge crept up my spine and curled the corners of my lips, I swiftly gave in. I thought I would start gentle, by recreating some of my fondest memories of my Dad, with DFB, and compare their reactions.

I waited until we were relaxed in the evening, DFB idly playing with the tiny fingers in one hand, and reading Icha Icha in the other. I leaned over.

"Tou-san?" For once I was pleased with my high, sweet child's voice.

"Hmm?" He didn't remove his eyes from the page. I watched his face carefully, a serious expression on my own.

"What's a penis?" With carefully hidden savage satisfaction, I saw his whole body jerk like he'd been electrocuted. His eye bugged out, and a breath wheezed from his lungs with force.

"W-where did you hear that word?" He rasped, looking shell shocked. I tilted my head to the side and frowned uncertainly.

"Mmm I can't remember. I think one of the men in the market said something about a rash and... I don't remember."

A strangled noise escaped him, and he searched the air as though the answer would magically appear before him. Suddenly he deflated, and scraped a hand despairingly through his hair.

"Kami," he muttered under his breath. "... a p-penis is... is... what a man uses to urinate."

I hummed thoughtfully to myself, and nodded once, "is that why it has a hole in the top when it sticks up?"

He wordlessly yelled, looking absolutely horrified, and sat bolt upright, staring at me, "where did you hear that?!"

I looked innocently back, "when we were leaving from our last appointment with Dr. Mukai, one of the medic in trainings was asking about... hmm what was it again?... oh! It was about bacteria getting in through the hole and urinary tract infections."

DFB seemed to melt into the floor, like life wasn't worth living anymore, and groaned in internal agony, covering his eyes as he spoke.

"Noooo, don't do this to me. I was supposed to have years before these questions." He took a deep breath, and explained without lifting his hand from his eyes, in a monotone that didn't quite hide his discomfort, "the hole, when it's... sticking up like that, is so that a fluid inside the man can get inside a woman to make babies. Otherwise, yes it's for urination."

Huh, kudos to him for giving an honest and detailed enough answer. It was... actually remarkably similar to the reply my dad had given. But then he had had the approach that if I was old enough to ask the question, I was old enough to hear the answer. I hadn't expected DFB to be the same.

"Oh, you mean ejaculation!" I exclaimed, helpfully. DFB curled up in a ball of no.

"Why does she know the translation," he whined, "wait of course she has a translation. She has one for every word she's not supposed to know."

With the kind of strength of will I didn't know I had, I shoved the laughter that wanted to burst from me into the pit of my stomach, and maintained my expression. He probably would have seen right through it if he wasn't so horrified by the topic. Watching him on the floor, I took pity on him and left things alone. For now.

* * *

"Tou-san?"

"Yes, Su-chan?"

"What's sex mean?"

"No! Oh, Kami, not again!"

* * *

"Tou-san?"

"What now?"

"Can I explain the definition of something to you in 'my words' and you tell me the translation in 'your words'?"

"Of course you can."

"It's called BDSM..."

* * *

"Tou-San?"

"Wait! Keep your question in mind, I need to do something."

"Okay."

"Gai!"

"Ah, Kakashi and his most youthful blossom! What can I do for you!"

"Subaru has a question she wants to ask, and I have to go... get some milk. You can answer her."

"Of course! I will do my utmost best to quench the thirst of Subaru's curiosity, and fan the flames of her knowledge!"

"Su-chan, Gai will answer your questions from now on."

"Okay, tou-san!"

"Gai?"

"Yes, Little Blossom?"

"What's a period?"

* * *

The thing about Konoha society, which I quickly noticed, was that although a good sense of humour was certainly something people enjoyed, it definitely wasn't as desirable as it had been back home. There were approved topics to be joked about, and higher forms involved word play and puns. Humorous art and writing was definitely appreciated, but harmless witty banter wasn't as much of a thing, sarcasm was almost offensive and dry wit barely existed. Additionally, the lower down the classes you went, the more dirty the accepted jokes, and yet the more crass. Shinobi were more inclined to joke and make light of a situation, particularly with a mixture of words and exaggerated body language, but it still wasn't as strong a part of the culture as my old home.

I was surprised, considering humour and comedy was a well known way of taking the horror and sting out of tragedy. Surely in a world in which shinobi were so numerous, wars were so common, and death was around every corner, comedy would have bloomed in order to combat the constant tragedy? Maybe it was a bi product of being part of a dictatorship, where there were certainly higher levels of censorship? Maybe it was the fact that there was much greater solemn respect for the dead and ancestors than where I came from.

There were probably a multitude of reasons, but the upshot of it was that no one was going to fulfil my personal sense of humour but me. And so DFB was just going to have to learn and deal with it. My energy hadn't even picked up enough yet to add in the potty mouth, so there were going to be some things for him to wrap his head around.

Joking about serious topics that I cared about was a useful way of testing the waters of another's attitude toward it. Joking non offensively about homosexuality, or sex, or religion, or race, or gender, when the correct slant or detail was put into the joke, the other person's reaction could be very telling about prejudice they were trying to hide, or didn't even know they had.

It was essentially, an excellent way of controlling a conversation; the flow, the tone, the usually unapproachable topics, without revealing my own opinions, but giving me insight into theirs.

With each awkward question I asked DFB and Gai, it let me know, underneath DFBs dramatic horror, what kind of ideas they had about women. Would they expect me to marry and have children when I grew older, would I be expected to pretend as a female I had no libido when the body matured, would I be able to make dirty jokes without them freaking out on me, would I be able to be open to them about the bodily changes occurring, could I rely on DFB not to to be discomfited about periods when I was older, could I walk around the apartment as a teenager once more in my underwear, would he be confronted by my open appreciation of all genders but lack of desire to touch them?

There was some work to do, I didn't deny that. By the time I was approaching bodily pre teens, I wanted at least DFB to be unflinching in the face of what a mess that was bound to be- I didn't want to hide things and pretend they weren't happening. I hadn't in my original body and I wouldn't now. But all in all, my heart softened at the realisation that mostly, DFB cared more about my mental health and my life than he did about any of that sort of stuff.

He had pre set ideas, yes, but he wasn't stubborn about them, and he was more than willing to learn and adapt if he saw that was what I needed.

* * *

"Tou-san?"

"No more, please, no more!"

"Tou-san?" A deep mournful sigh.

"Yes, Su-chan?"

"I just wanted to say I love you."

"A-Aa I love you too, Su-chan."

...

"Also, is Gai your boyfriend?"

* * *

 _Just to make it clear, even with her humour, Subaru barely ever does anything when she's healthy_ _without some rational behind it that she has carefully thought of. There is almost always an angle she's playing even at her most generous._

 _Poor Kakashi haha, Subaru's gonna do her best to drag him into a semblance of 21st century Western(ish) thinking about a bunch of things because she likes things to be comfortable for herself more than she cares about anyone else's comfort._


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

*apologies I don't know how or when I accidentally replaced this with chapter 17. Thank you for letting me know

I've not read this one all the way through from start to finish, and I know there a few reasonably drastic changes in the tone throughout. I don't know if I got the shift between them right, or if it's jerky and awkward. Sorry, if that's the case.

Next chap is probably Kakashis pov.

Zero editing done again, so beware.

English spoken words are underlined as always and Japanese spoken words are normal.

Thank you so much for your reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works for you, what doesn't work so well, and any prompts for scenes you wanna see going forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 16 - Did I Take More Than I Gave?**

Innocuously enough, it was the toes that got me at first, and things just snowballed from there. It was polite to wear clean socks most of the time, so that when the non shinobi entered many of the buildings and took their shoes off, their feet weren't dirty and looking poorly cared for. As such, the only time the titchy feet weren't wearing socks was first thing in the morning, last thing at night and in the bath.

It was decidedly odd, considering I hadn't owned a single pair of socks suitable for every day shoes in my old world- they were all thick winter boot socks, or slipper socks. I also used to have a habit of taking my shoes off and padding around in slipper socks wherever I could even vaguely get away with it; school, college, home, on the bus, on the train, any time I got to sit down for more than five minutes in public.

And when I could get away with it even further, I would go about with bare feet. As a result, I spent a significantly larger portion of my time with my feet bare than with shoes on, and sometimes more than slipper socks. So one afternoon, shortly after DFB had taken me on a climb to have a picnic where there was a greater breeze, I spotted a hole in one of them, near the toe, and knew that they would go straight in the bin as soon as DFB saw.

Not wasting any time, I sat up from where I was lounging on the sofa next to DFB, and pulled them off. It was with shock that I realised this was the first time I had taken a good look at the toes of this body. They were undeniably cute- I thankfully did not have ugly feet- but _goddam_ were they long. Seriously, I'd had long prehensile toes in my last life, but these were even longer.

Unable to stop staring at them, I gave the toes a good wiggle, and jolted when I saw them move in ways I didn't even know toes could. Was the big toe supposed to be able to flex and bend quite that much?

"Su-chan? What are doing?" Came DFB's bemused voice. I turned to see him peeking his eye just barely over the edge of his Icha Icha book.

"Have you seen these toes?" I demanded. He raised an eyebrow.

"Strangely enough yes, I have."

"Why didn't you tell me! I basically have four hands, these could have been so useful!"

"For what?" I cast my gaze out, lost for words for a moment that he could be so blind to the possibilities.

"Like scratching itches on my head, when my hands are full. Like picking things up from the floor when I've dropped them. Like surprise slapping people from the side when they're busy watching my actual hands!"

"I'm fairly certain you've never been in a situation that requires surprise slapping, Su-chan. Also, your feet are dirty."

"Don't push your weird dirty feet hang ups onto me, tou-san."

"They're not my weird dirty feet hang ups. Society says feet are dirty- everyone knows it."

"Well you and society have weird dirty feet hang ups then. Besides everyone doesn't know _these_ feet, which I can assure you, are perfectly clean. Anyway, it doesn't even matter because I've already established that I don't have feet; I have four hands."

"Is that so," DFB hummed, turning back to his book. I let him, and went back to staring at the feet, wiggling and twisting the toes to see what kind of range I could get from them. I couldn't believe I had had these things for over 18 months and I'd never taken a good look at them. What else had I missed about this body because I wasn't paying any attention?

Taking more care than I ever done in this life, I held the hands up, and eyed them intently. They were dainty, sweet little things, with fairly long fingers and still a good bit of chub to them. The wrists were skinny, and the arms, whilst still chubby, held a surprising amount of muscle in them. Everything had a soft, roundness to it thanks to the baby fat, and the skin had barely a mar. There was a very light dusting of freckles on the shoulders, and the skin was the just a shade darker and pinker than DFBs.

I paused, and crafted a mental image in my mind of the body I wore. I swallowed at the realisation that the face was missing. I... didn't know what face everyone else saw with me in mind.

"Tou-san?" There was an unusual timidity in my tone that caught his attention.

"Aa? What is it?" I bit the inside of my lip uncertainly. There was a strong part of me that really didn't want to know. I was already struggling with the complete change in skin colour, and size. Could I handle an entirely alien face that I would have to claim as my own in front of every one else? I worried that when I saw the differences, I'd be able to feel the differences too, and I would forever walk around with a face that didn't fit.

"Can I... see myself in a mirror?" As soon as the words came out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. I really didn't feel ready for this. But then, on the other hand I didn't think I ever would. I might as well get this out of the way.

Besides, I needed to see what sort of face I was working with, so that I knew what sort of expressions I should pull in different circumstances.

DFB assessed me, mild confusion wrinkling his brow, before suspicion and realisation had him frowning disbelievingly at me.

"Su-chan, do you not know what you look like? Have you never looked at yourself in a mirror, or in a glass reflection?"

I shook my head, unwilling to explain that it was mostly intentional- I couldn't stand the thought of looking out of eyes I felt were my own, only to see a stranger staring back. It had taken me so many years to come to accept the flaws of my old face, and see the good parts, it had felt like a mental stretch for me to come to terms with the fact that although I didn't see it a lot of other people thought I was attractive. It had been a struggle to learn to like it, but I had won that struggle, and with some time and care I figured out how to take care of my skin and which expressions looked best when, and how to arrange my features with different products to make myself feminine, or androgynous, or masculine.

I had come to fully appreciate the extent that my face allowed to me to don different looks on different days to escape labels, and expectations. My face allowed me to become something of a chameleon, and I liked that a lot, but it had been a tough journey. Now I was stuck with something I had zero emotional attachment to, and I wasn't sure I wanted to have a solid image of it in my mind, rather than the nebulous blur I had now.

But like with most things, the moment I committed, I figured I might as well do it in a way that was the most healthy and least drama filled for me. If I was going to see this face, I was going to learn to wield it with just as much efficiency as my old one.

"Can you take me to the bathroom mirror, tou-san?" I asked. Without comment, DFB picked me up and carried me to the bathroom, where he turned me around so that I was sat on one of his arms (I was mildly impressed by the effortlessness with which he held me up on one horizontal forearm) and gave me a completely false but appreciated semblance of privacy, by sticking his nose back in his book.

I stared at the bottom of the mirror, took a deep breath to calm my pounding heart, and then looked up. I almost jumped at the alien face staring back at me. It was one thing to understand it in theory and another entirely to see a face I didn't recognise and know I was behind it. Perhaps this was what it was like for people after having a lot of plastic surgery, or seriously injuring their face.

I scrutinised the girl in the mirror and was mildly disturbed to see her scrutinise me in return. A part of me just wasn't registering that I was in that body, and behind those eyes. A part of me felt like that was someone else entirely, and I half expected her to move independently in the mirror like in a horror film.

I breathed in and out and then in again, before I forcefully divorced myself from my emotions in order to see things objectively. The eyes were the first thing I noticed - they were a dark colour that couldn't seem to settle on purple or red; closer to red nearer to the centre and fading into purple around the edge, but with mottled speckles of both all over.

They were weird, and if the pigmented mesh of stroma weren't so clear and detailed, I would think I was looking at a pair of contacts, or something computer generated. They probably weren't odd in this world, but I had never seen eyes that colour before, and for a long moment I couldn't look away. I wondered, idly, what colour they would go when the light hit them right, and imagined it would probably be either supernatural looking, or stunning.

They were set in a wide shape, with a slight downturn, and topped with a thick sweep of grey blonde lashes, which I knew could be killers with an application of mascara when I was older. The face shape, underneath the baby fat, was remarkably similar to DFBs, with a less pointy chin and softer, more feminine curve in the jaw line and cheek bones. I had DFB's lips, scaled down onto a smaller face, his thin eyebrows with just the slightest more arch to them. I had his nose, scaled down, and even something resembling his fluffy mess of hair. The colour was a very light blonde close to white, with silver hints, which I predicted would darken overtime, but was almost translucent for now. It wasn't quite as ridiculous in it's determination to win against gravity, and the ends succumbed to the laws of physics and curled back toward the face, with a few of the longer strands reaching the forehead.

Apart from the eyes, I looked remarkably similar to him, and understood that if he didn't go around covering 90% of his face all the time, my identity as his relative could never have been kept secret. As it was, DFBs eye and hair was pretty much all anyone got to see of him, and happened to be the two things which were the most different in this body.

All in all, the only word that could be used to describe this new face, was sweet. It was so fucking cute, with the wide doe eyes that screamed of innocence and vulnerability, and it was like everything on DFBs face had been taken and softened on mine. I watched the lips pucker up in an adorable scowl, and the little wrinkle of the nose look like a disgruntled kitten.

"No one is ever going to take me seriously," I deadpanned. DFB gave a soft snort behind his book and said nothing to refute it.

"You're supposed to reassure me that it's not as bad as it seems, and people will respect me regardless, seeing me for the intelligent cunning female I am, rather than the surface cuteness of my looks."

"Maa maa, I try not to make a habit of lying to you, Su-chan," came DFBs nonchalant reply, which I knew hid his amusement.

"Just last week you said there was chocolate goodness waiting for me for pudding, and then ate it all before dinner, pretending it was still there in the hopes I'd fall asleep before you were found out," I accused.

"Aa, and you looked like you couldn't decide between trying to stab me with your chopsticks, or bursting into tears. I can still hear the murder in your voice when you talk about it. I thought I'd stick to the truth after that."

I grunted at him, not willing to admit that I was petty enough to still be bitter over that evening of missed chocolate. But I really was. It would probably niggle at me for the next month. To distract myself, I went back to analysing the features I had been landed with.

At least DFBs nose on my face leant it an edge of elegance, alongside the cheekbones, rather than just straight up cuteness. It wasn't really noticeable yet, and probably wouldn't be until all the baby fat was gone, but with touch of shading using make up here and there, and an application of mascara, I could probably do sweet, innocent but sensual. With my well practiced, polite version of 'fuck off' that I had perfected in my last life for in public, I could be eye catching and I would soften people, but be largely unapproachable for anything physically or emotionally intimate.

This face also went perfectly with the polite, quiet and demure persona I already had, which would probably have people guessing my age from anywhere between thirteen and twenty as an adult, depending on how the body physically matured with time.

If I wanted to be taken seriously, though, I'd have to think of something else. This face was one to coo at, not listen to. It did explain why women in the street did so, though, considering the culture of Konoha was generally inclined toward non involvement with other people's kids.

It was a shock to go from my old home, which was all about the right thing being the adoration and cherishing of innocent children, protecting them, and sheltering them- to the hands off attitude here. It was shameful back home if a small child was caught wandering alone in public and no one stopped to help. It was the norm here. I wasn't sure if I agreed with it, but I also understood that Konoha was a shinobi village that encouraged independence and a lack of reliance on others in their children from a young age, which shifted into the collective group holding greater importance once they got a career and became 'real people'.

Additionally, with the exception of pieces of shit like Danzo, Konoha was quite safe for children below a certain age. Yes, they were generally ignored by people other than family, but they also weren't hassled, and if someone tried there was usually a shinobi nearby to step in.

It did explain to me, the question that I had always wondered, about why Kakashi had not taken in Naruto once he was old enough, or even another of his parents' friends. It probably simply didn't really occur to them on any serious level. It wasn't a part of this culture to look out for someone else's children, unless you were related or being paid. Family stuck with family, and unless someone's parents specifically asked you to go out of your way, and you agreed- as in the case of godparents- it wasn't really done.

Orphans went to the orphanage most of the time, and found parenting figures in mentors, or Jonin-sensei, or any other adult who took them under their wing in order to train them for something they showed dedication or talent in.

This all reinforced the intrinsic mentality which most citizens of Konoha had; that your job was your identity. People who didn't work, didn't deserve to eat. And so everyone worked. With the propaganda spoon fed to the citizens from birth, that becoming a shinobi was a mysterious but epic job filled with quests and glamour and adventure, becoming a shinobi became not a dream job for most children- but a dream identity.

It also gave an explanation as to how the heck work hours were sorted for such an unstructured job. I had wondered why more shinobi didn't take big chunks of time off, since the higher ranking missions were so well paying- and there were bounties on top of that. Once a shinobi had reached chūnin, beyond being chosen personally for missions by the hokage, the Jōnin commander, and a small other selection, missions were not mandatory. Work was not technically mandatory. Now if that was me, I'd be all for keeping my skills sharp with training and going bum fuck no where, as long as I had the cash for it.

But if your work was your identity, and had been since childhood... well that suddenly became a whole different ballgame- facing internal pressure, family pressure and societal pressure. It was smart, and unquestioned, and conditioned into everyone. Except me. I had already been conditioned to the culture of my old home, and I wondered how my ingrained individualism was going to face up against Konoha's collectivism ideals.

Regardless, my personas were going to need to be on point to provide me with everything I needed from them.

I finally looked away from the mirror, and tilted my head in DFBs direction. Shit, no wonder his dad killed himself. Everything that he had related to as his identity was slated as a failure by everyone, spat on and stripped from him. It wasn't just about blame, negativity, a botched mission, or a clash of shinobi ideals. He had his very sense of self taken, and was told he didn't deserve to have it, with no indication of ever getting it back. Poor fucker. Both of them.

I looked at DFB, and my heart hurt for him. The back of my eyes stung, as I thought of how shitty it was that DFB had been so emotionally wounded by the structure and values of this society, in the way he had, and he probably didn't even see it like I did, because this was all he knew.

"I want a bath." My voice wobbled slightly, I tilted my head down to hide my expression. I had been feeling a bit more emotional in the last week or two, and I knew that if I wasn't careful, I would be set off. Being more in touch with my emotions again after so long, meant that I was unaccustomed to them, and they affected me strongly.

I peered through my lashes, and saw DFB peer at me with soft concern. I gave a small smile to reassure him, and he responded with a single nod. I was quiet and lost in my thoughts as DFB ran a bath. I wanted to be held by him, and hear his heart beat, and imagine that when I rested against his skin my need for him to be okay, happy and loved would sink into him, as I was reassured by him in turn.

He showered, and washed me, and then stepped into the hot tub-bath, sliding us down into the water which was the perfect temperature for me. He didn't ask any questions, sensing my need to think, but held me and gently poured water into my hair.

To the calm rhythm of DFBs heartbeat, I thought on my appearance and considered all of the pros and cons of it that came to me. I accepted it's massive usefulness as a tool of manipulation, to make people underestimate my intelligence, and capability of ruthlessness. People were more likely to say things to me or around me that they wouldn't otherwise, if they didn't consider me a physical or mental threat. I didn't want to be treated like an idiot though, so book smarts would be once again useful to me. Book smarts was something the teacher patted me on the head for and few others held as any value in the real world in my in old life, and I imagined it was even more so the case here, where school education stopped at twelve or thirteen, and battle prowess was the desired trait. It was something that could explain away a lot of knowledge I might accidentally let slip. A cute and innocent face should do the rest.

As for cons; as I had stated to DFB, people were unlikely to take me seriously when I wanted them to. I didn't have a stern face that intimidated others into listening to me, and so I was going to have to figure out a way to be respected for more than just looks, otherwise I faced the risk of being mentally pigeon holed by everyone around me. Women and girls especially were likely to judge me and react based upon just my face and clothes. I was not putting up with other females treating me like the way I looked or acted had _anything_ to do with them.

Most importantly... well I had to be straight with myself, that if I had a small stature alongside vulnerable doe eyed looks, surrounded by men and women who's moral compass was likely shot to hell from being forced to dehumanise other people in order to not go insane on the job, there was a chance I could be a target for rape. I saw the way women were treated here, and although the kunoichi had it far better than the civilians, men and women were not equal. Particularly in relation to family vs career priorities, and the way women's sex lives were regarded.

Rape was a weapon of war. I knew that. This was a world that was basically run off of conflict. The original Naruto story never made a mention of this that I could remember, but there was no way I was going to believe a manga/anime over what common sense told me. This world wasn't exactly zen sexual enlightenment central, and I could almost guarantee that if discrimination toward female shinobi existed, as well as rape victims, then these women were not going to be given the help, support, acceptance and empowerment that they needed after such an experience.

That wasn't even approaching the men who went through the same, as I knew occurred during war in my old world. If with all the advancements in society there, where women could admit to getting raped and not always have to feel ashamed of it, but men worldwide still felt they had to pretend it had never happened to them, I dreaded to think of the attitudes here.

I carefully inhaled slowly, buried my face against DFB, and exhaled. There was a good chance, whether I was a civilian or shinobi, that at some point I would be sexually assaulted and/or raped. There was also a good chance I would not be supported mentally by Konoha afterward. I was prone to depression and anxiety and that was probably never going to change. If something like that happened to me, it could destroy me mentally, and lead to another suicide attempt.

My reason for living, beyond myself, was almost entirely my relationship with DFB. I didn't want to hurt him with my suicide. It would definitely hurt him to know that sexual assault happened to me, but at least good times would come around again together. He had shown such staunch loyalty to me before we even got to know each other properly, and he had had no surety of my improvement. I had to have faith that he would show that same support if I was raped or assaulted.

I wanted to be there for him too, if he ever had to experience that. For him to know this was a conversation I was more than willing to have with him if he was assaulted, and asked for the same from him in return, I'd need to approach the topic far beforehand, to let the idea sink in properly, and normalise it somewhat. I was going to choose to trust him in this. But first, I wanted to leave the entire idea alone for a little bit to register fully with me.

God this was so fucked up. I grimaced to myself, and thought about how messed up it was that at the physical age of just over nineteen months, I was being forced to contemplate and put plans in place for my future possible rape. Despite my real age, I still felt far too young to be in this situation. Most days before I had died, I still didn't consider myself an adult. I wasn't a child...but sometimes it felt like I was. It was crazy to consider that my dad had been a year away from holding my eldest sister in his arms at my current age. I couldn't believe he'd chosen to step up unthinkingly, to take responsibility, after he got my mother pregnant.

He had been so young, and was so immature, but had already done so much. I couldn't imagine being in that position at my age. A parent almost at the age I was now, when in my old life, right up to the last year, I still expected to be told to go sit down with some juice and watch Disney by other adults around me. I shook my head in wonder, and looked up into DFBs face.

He tilted his head down at me and smiled a slanted smile. It was only then, having catalogued all the similarities between our faces not long ago, that I realised how young he looked, too.

With a tight feeling in my chest, I asked, "tou-san, how old are you?"

He eye smiled, and his lip quirked, "I'm twenty three years old."

My brain froze for a second, and as this computed, I swallowed heavily, "When was your birthday?"

DFB laughed, with a sheepish tone creeping in, "a few weeks ago."

I didn't make any mention of the fact that he hadn't told me. I was too stuck on the fact that DFB was less than two years older than me mentally. He was younger than my middle sister. DFB was young enough to be my brother. I'd... never thought of it like that.

He'd always been this adult figure in my mind, who had experienced so much more than I had, and was just so much more grown up than I was. In my head he was someone steadfast and reliable and a lot older than me. He was someone I could lean on, who could take the weight of my suffering.

God, he was _so young_. He'd been, what, twenty one when I was reborn here? The same age as my dad with my eldest sister, _younger_ even. And he had taken me on alone, with no real support. He had made the choice to be a single parent at twenty one.

I was mind blown. My entire perspective on our relationship was shifting, as I automatically tried to compare him to either of my elder siblings, and saw that he wasn't like either of them enough for it to fit. Out of the three of us, the person he was most like was me. He was so fucking young, and if he'd been part of my original world he might have been amongst my group of friends. He was like me. I was like a civilian, female version of him in so many ways- even more so with his influence on my behaviour.

It hit me all over again, just how much he'd done for me. He was a twenty one year old single parent, and he had done _so well_. I knew single parenthood was fucking difficult, no matter how well behaved your kid was, and I- I hadn't been well behaved. I'd been depressed and suicidal, and I didn't understand how he'd done so well in the face of that.

Guilt and regret rapidly began to build in my stomach, as I realised how much responsibility I had put on his shoulders without ever considering that I was just as capable of sharing that responsibility. I had spent so much energy and attention trying to escape from my physical reliance, that the emotional aspect all fell to him. I had told myself over and over again that I wasn't really a baby, I was still fully grown in my mind, and yet I handed over all emotional responsibility to DFB without considering that I could help.

I had always waited for him to reach out to me, to tell me what to do, to prompt my next stage of recovery, to be the one when I was in day care to make that first connection. To prove he cared if I lived or died. It hadn't even occurred to me to do the same.

I had immediately cast him as the older one native to this world, who had a duty to be in charge. I called him tou-san, but I had never thought of him as my father. I was too old, and he was too young. He was more like a _Dad/Friend/Brother._ In the same way Gai was like an _Uncle/Friend/Brother_. There was no reason why I couldn't be their equal. And as their equal, it wasn't fair of me to make them shoulder the burden of looking after me, without giving the same back.

I hadn't been looking after them. Not really. I'd been being a child, protected from the rest of the world through their efforts as they acted like shields for me, the same as parents did for their children. If I really wanted to be there for DFB, I was going to have to show him that I was an adult capable of supporting him. I knew I couldn't continue the thin ruse of childhood anymore, without being inundated with guilt.

I had to tell him the truth. Even if it alienated him completely, I had to give my ridiculous truth. He deserved my honesty after everything he had done. And so I waited for him to take me from the bath and drain the water, with a sinking dread in the pit of my stomach.

I was so scared of his reaction, of losing him, of him hating me. I felt like I was going to throw up, and burst into tears. My breath shortened, and my heart rate picked up.

I was well on my way to a panic attack, and trying to hide it, before I managed to take some deep breaths to lower my heart rate. I had to accept that he might despise me for the lies, and everything I had knowingly put him through. Things could work out fine, but they could also end with him handing me over to go to Yamanaka, or Danzo. If I allowed my fear to overtake me, I would never tell him, let alone convince him if he didn't believe me straight away.

I loved him too much to continue lying to him, or hiding. I clung to that thought. I clung to that feeling. I hardened myself to the worst case scenario that I could think of.

When DFB had finished dressing, and had me back in clothes, I turned to him, without making eye contact. I was shaking very lightly, and trying to hide it.

"Tou-san? Can I talk to you? In the living room."

DFB scanned me, picking up on all of the clues my body gave away despite my efforts to hide them. I knew he had guessed what I wanted to talk to him about, as he quietly replied to me, comfort radiating from him while carrying me.

"Of course, Su-chan...You know, no matter what you say to me, I'll... still love you."

Emotion welled in my throat and I almost burst into tears. I buried my head in his chest, and nodded my head.

"I believe you," I whispered to minimise the thickness of my voice, "I just don't think you'll like me very much after this."

He sat down on the sofa, and rubbed his hand up and down my back a few times, before allowing me to climb off, and sit next to him. I didn't want to restrict his movements if he suddenly felt inclined to stand up, pace, or leave.

I stared down at my lap for a long moment, realising I didn't know where to start. I opened my mouth a few times, suppressing the frightened tears that wanted to escape, before I shakily started, gaining strength as I spoke, and distancing myself from my emotions with my words.

"You know I have 'my words' which I just... know. I've always seemed to just know them. And you've probably noticed that I'm not-I'm not like other children."

"Yes," he responded with slow neutrality. I didn't know how to soften this, so I just ripped the plaster off.

"I'm not the same age in my head, as this body. I'm older. With memories of a life before I died."

There was a long pause, "I'm not sure I understand, Subaru. Could you say that in 'my words'.

My breath shook as I inhaled, but I didn't waver, "I died as an adult. And then I awoke as a child."

"Do you have any proof? Beyond 'your words'," DFB's voice was completely emotionless at this point, but I didn't dare turn to see what expression he wore.

"English. The language we spoke back in my old life, was called English. And it has a written form. I'm not intelligent enough to make up a written language on the spot, tou-san."

I peeked at DFB from the corner of my eye, but I could make out anything beyond his rigid posture, as he went to a drawer, pulled out some paper and a book, and handed them to me with a pencil, silently.

"Write."

I stared blankly at the paper, supported by the book, and couldn't think of a single word. I desperately cast my mind about to find something. _Anything_. Until suddenly, for some reason, the tenet I had been taught to follow as a child flashed through my head. I numbly wrote it down, and handed the paper to DFB. He took it and analysed it carefully.

"What does it mean?" He eventually asked, quietly.

"It was something my dad would say to my siblings and I as kids, whenever he dropped us off anywhere. He would say 'be good- and if you can't be good, don't get caught.'"

I saw something painful contort DFBs face during my explanation, and then it was expressionless once more.

"You had a dad?" He seemed to regret the words the moment the exited his mouth, but I still responded.

"Yes. I had a dad. I also had a mother, and two older sisters, and a stepmother, and three older stepbrothers, and a cat called Burdock, and a stepfather at one point too. But I died, then I woke up with nothing and no one. Except you."

DFB looked down at the floor, his fists clenched. I felt sorrow for the pain I was causing him well up, and tears sting my eyes again, but pushed them back. I didn't want to cry to evoke sympathy in DFB, this wasn't about my struggle.

"Do you believe me?" my voice was a timid wet sounding thing. DFB frowned, a stoic look that badly hid his emotional turmoil.

"I shouldn't, based on nothing more than foreign spoken words, and a single written sentence. I'm not under genjutsu, and nor are you. You are the Subaru I know, and you show no signs of lying. I find myself believing you."

I hadn't even noticed him checking for illusions. Although, I wouldn't know what to look for to spot that if I had known what he was doing.

Shock ran through me that it was that easy. I didn't know what I had expected, but I had thought it would be more difficult than that.

"Oh," I weakly stated, unsure what to say next. I wanted an indication of how DFB was going to act on this sensitive information, but he simply stood there, frowning at the floor. Minutes stretched onward agonisingly, and I sat frozen, tense, barely breathing.

"How long have you known?" I flinched in surprise at the break in the previously thick silence.

"Huh?"

"How long after you opened your eyes as a baby did you remember your last life? That you had died and been... reborn."

My heart pinched, but I didn't pause, "the moment I woke up in the hospital bed in Konoha. The first day we met."

DFB's face tightened with something I couldn't decipher, and he managed to still even further.

"I see," he sounded robotic, "If you'll excuse me. I need... I need to leave."

Without looking at me, DFB pulled his mask up, turned on his heel, and I helplessly watched him swiftly escape through the balcony, grief trapping any words I might have said in my throat.

I stared after him dry eyed, feeling cold, unable to move or think. I didn't know how long it was after he left, that I noticed; for the first time since _that time,_ DFB had left a gap open in the balcony doors.

For some reason that hurt ripped through me so much worse than anything else.

* * *

 _So a fair bit happened in this chap. It's a bit longer than I intended but both myself and Subaru are inclined toward in depth thinking about situations in order to emotionally prepare ourselves for all sorts of possibilities and constant risk management for ourselves._

 _What did you think about Subaru's observations about Konoha? What about her appearance? How did you find her epiphany surrounding Kakashi's age and her relationship with him (That was one of the most difficult bits to translate from my head onto page accurately.)? How did you find the emotions in the reveal of her secret (another difficult bit to write. I wanted it to feel like a tense scene that feels far longer than it is, but the words just wouldn't behave.)?_

 _What do you think they'll both do next?_


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Hey everyone. Next chapter up. I really didn't know how this was going to go, so I just sort of wrote. In the case of Kakashi if you don't think it sounds quite like him speaking, it's probably because of two reasons 1, I'm not Kishmoto 2, He has a uniquely open and feels filled relationship with Subaru, even when he's mad at her that's not going to stop. So he's going to talk different.

Also in terms of the progression of their relationship, my intention was always to remove the easy child parent labelled relationship through her honesty, and remove the restrictions involved in almost any relationship in which there are conventional roles and expectations attached.

Subaru goes out of her way to either take advantage of society's labels or detach them from herself entirely. She was never going to be fully happy in the long run playing daughter when she saw that it didn't have to be like that, and also thought of it as a lie.

I hope you'll stick around as the next stage for them works itself out ;)

Also English spoken words are underlined and Japanese spoken words are normal.

Finally thank you so much for the awesomeness of reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works and what doesn't work so well for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 17 - There Is No Right Way**

Kakashi stared unseeing at the memorial stone, his hands in his pockets. His tranquil appearance belied the raging storm he was hiding. He was so mixed up inside, he didn't know what to think or feel. There was rage, blame, sadness, grief, betrayal, fear, dread... so many more he couldn't identify.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go home and face the personification of his problems. So he didn't yet- he stayed out in front the memorial stone for hours, just letting his tempestuous emotions blaze and trying not to think.

Eventually, the silence of his mind and surroundings calmed the inferno inside him, and slowly it died down. When all that was left was a defeated sorrow that refused leave, he still stayed. In this moment he felt like he could be as close to peace as possible, where there were no reminders of Subaru. He was glad he had never taken her here.

He measured his breaths, and stared into nothing, and let his mind drift. He thought of Rin, Obito, Kushina, Minato-Sensei, his father. He imagined what they would do in his place. None of his thoughts seemed to do them any justice though. They felt hollow, like a ghost of the real thing.

He laughed- harsh, a self deprecating thing, and shook his head in disgust. He turned from the memorial stone, ambling without any hurry back toward the village. The sky was turning a lighter blue, with hints of pink and orange creeping in.

He still didn't know what to do. There was no solution. Nothing to fix. Things had been turned on their head and there was no way back from this.

He'd known she had had a secret. He just hadn't expected this.

He was angry that she'd lied to him about something so important. He was grieving his innocent too intelligent child that he realised he'd never had. He was embarrassed that he had been duped so easily, and was left feeling defensive of what little pride he had left.

It felt like every memory he had of her was now tainted with the stain of the truth.

He had always blamed himself for allowing his helpless baby to get to the point of a suicidal depression. Only to find out that she knew exactly what she was doing, because she wasn't a baby at all.

He walked through Konoha, feeling a thick barrier between himself and everyone else as he watched them wake up and get on with their morning. He stared wistfully at the mothers with their young children, once more noticing the stark differences between Subaru and the others who appeared her age, the loss of what never was, crushing him.

Feeling little better than he did when he left, and significantly more tired, Kakashi approached the apartment by mid morning, and took the long way up. He unlocked the front door, and wearily entered. The first thing he noticed was the open balcony door- just wide enough for Subaru to slip through.

For a moment he forgot about the entire past day. He was too busy suddenly terrified that it was going to be his father all over again. He had never left the balcony door open after that first time, even when he was at home. With Adrenalin crashing through his system, he cautiously walked toward the balcony door and stepped out.

He forced himself to lean over and check the ground below, but saw no sign of either Subaru or any thing out of the ordinary.

Still not convinced, he went back inside and swept the room. He spotted the leftovers that had been in the fridge, on the table. He stared it for a moment, remembering that he had left before dinner and hadn't fed Subaru. Clearly she didn't need him for that. Because she wasn't a child.

He heard padding footsteps and a door push open behind him. He turned around slowly, as Subaru peeked around the door. She looked so small and sweet. So innocent. But she wasn't. It was a lie. She didn't need him like a young child needed their parent. She had already had parents. She had already had a dad.

He'd been tricked.

"Tou-san-"

"Don't call me that." He hadn't meant for his words to come out so coldly, but he didn't bother correcting himself. She wasn't a child.

He watched her cheeks pink and her face crumple before she hid it and lowered her head, ignoring the immediate urge he felt to go and pick her up.

"Okay," her voice was quiet and cracked halfway through, she paused and then continued without making eye contact, "would you like to talk?"

"No." His immediate reply came before he had a chance to think. He didn't take it back though, watching the familiar way she couldn't stop wiggling her toes into the carpet, her awful bed head every morning, the way she bit the inside of her lip, and the habit she had of holding the fingers of her left hand one by one, rubbing their joints. Each of those habits was something he had associated with his innocent child. This person wasn't a child. It hurt to look at her.

She looked conflicted as she stared at the floor, but eventually nodded her head, "alright."

She hesitated and then pulled the door to, padding back up the hall to the bedroom.

He heaved a tired sigh, and deflated. Out of habit, he picked up the mess on the table and washed it up. After that he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't feel right leaving her alone in the apartment by herself again.

Last night had been a complete spur of the moment reaction, caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that he wanted to process by himself. Although he knew she wasn't his child, he still felt responsible for her, and she was physically vulnerable if anything happened. He collapsed onto the sofa, Icha Icha in hand, in the hopes that it could distract him.

* * *

Two hours later, and it still lay by his side in his hand. He just... couldn't get over the anger and betrayal he felt that she had tried to kill herself, fully understanding the sort of pain that could do to a person. Why? Why had she done that to him?

He wanted to ask her, but he also didn't think that any answer she could give would make him feel any better. She had lied to him for well over a year. This whole time he had thought it was his place to protect her and keep her safe, but she had been playing him for a fool all the while. Pretending to be someone she wasn't.

And yet what could he do? He couldn't punish her like an errant child, because she wasn't one. He couldn't choose not to see her again because... because he still cared about her. She was still technically his biological offspring. He was still responsible. He couldn't discuss this with anyone because no one else would even vaguely understand. Except maybe Gai. But Subaru hadn't told Gai her secret. Only him. He was alone in this.

Without thinking, he made a simple lunch for two at the usual time, before realising what he'd done. He swallowed, when it hit him all over again that he would never do anything like this again thinking he was being a parent to his child.

He felt like he was missing a fundamental part of himself.

He didn't think he could go through some false, awkward and emotionally charged version of lunch with Subaru. He reluctantly forced his body toward their bedroom, and knocked on the door. He couldn't make himself open it.

"I made lunch. I would rather not eat... together..."

"Leave it by the door. I'll eat in here," came Subaru's subdued answer through the wood. He paused, not sure how he felt about essentially banished her to one room for meals, but decided not say anything about it.

She stayed in their room all day, and he stayed in the living room. Dinner was much like lunch. He swapped the dirty plate she had left outside the door with the full one, and knocked a few times on the door, to let her know.

That night he slept in his clothes on the sofa. The next morning he waited until Subaru was in the bathroom, and collected a few outfits, in and out in a few seconds.

* * *

Over the next week, Subaru seemed to become a phantom. He knew she didn't spend all the time in their room, but he barely heard her, and he never caught more than a glimpse. Not that he was particularly looking for her. He was too busy thinking.

The last of his anger cooled, his deep feelings of betrayal and loss softened somewhat, and all he was left with were questions and uncertainties.

The stilted air in the apartment didn't dissipate, but seemed to settle into the grooves like a thick blanket of dust. A part of him simply didn't want to hear her answers, in case they confirmed his worst fears. In case they made him hate her.

* * *

Nine days after she had admitted the truth to him, Kakashi still didn't know what to do, but he had accepted that what he was doing was unsustainable. The heavy silence that lay between Subaru and him felt unbreachable by now, though.

It was Subaru who made the first move. He became aware of her hesitation by the door to the living room, as she took deep breaths. After a few minutes she said something to herself that he knew was rude but had never been told the translation for.

She pushed open the door, and maintaining a blank expression he watched her out of the corner of his eye as she approached. She swallowed, and stroked the joints of her left fingers.

"Tou- um... hey. I understand that you still don't want to talk to me, but I really need a wash. We don't need to have a bath, I won't ask that from you. If you could fill the bucket with water and give me the soap I can wash myself."

She stared at the floor, and he turned his head to giver her a proper look. In the revelation that she wasn't a child inside, he had mostly forgotten that she still had the physical restrictions of one. He had bitterly seen she could easily dress herself, and feed herself and so he had forgotten that she couldn't do the rest.

But that shouldn't have come as a surprise, because he had already known she could dress and feed herself. He had helped her dress and fed her because it was a way of being close to her, not because he had to.

He froze inside when he saw what she looked like. Her hair was a limp bedraggled greasy mess on top of her head. She was dirty, and had food stains on her grey-white clothes. She had deep bruises underneath her eyes and her pallor had a distinctly grey tone. She had lost weight too. She looked more like she had spent the last week on the streets than at home.

He knew intellectually that she wasn't his child. But when he looked at her he couldn't help but see her as his, and everything within him rebelled at the idea that he had let her get to the state that she was in under his watch.

He still couldn't bring himself to pick her up, but he didn't hesitate to make his way to the bathroom and fill the bucket he kept in the cupboard with warm water. He grabbed the soap and a cloth for her, as she entered the room.

"Thank you," she still didn't make eye contact, and undressed as he stared at the complete mess that was her hair. She going to have an impossible task with that.

He gave it some thought, before tentatively offering, "I can get the tangles out of you hair while you wash."

Her eyes darted up toward him in surprise, before they found the floor again, and she nodded, "Thanks, that would be helpful."

It was a slightly awkward silence between them, as she got into the large bucket and sat down. She lathered up the cloth and immediately got started, so he did the same.

She was done far before he was, and he was still unknotting sections at the back, with a comb and conditioner when she spoke.

"You can ask me questions, you know." Her chin was rested on her knees, and she stared at her wiggling toes as she spoke. He paused, surprised, but said nothing, and continued working on her hair.

"About anything, I mean. My old life, my relatives, my friends, the place I lived in. Or this life, why I did the things I did and... you know. Anything. I'll answer."

He stared at the back of he head of his not child, and figured now was as good a time as any.

"How old are you?" He kept his voice carefully neutral and lacking in accusation or aggression.

"Including the years in this life I'm twenty one. I turned twenty a few days after I was reborn, if we only include the days from when I awoke."

So she was still younger than him. Though not by much. It was strange to think that some of the hardened kunoichi he had served alongside were the same age as the tiny being in front of him. Part of him couldn't help but be glad that she wasn't older.

"Were you a shinobi or a civilian?" She hadn't shown signs of being a shinobi, but he couldn't be sure. It would give him a better idea of her capabilities when it came to tricking and psychologically playing with an experienced shinobi like him.

"Technically civilian."

"What do you mean by technically?"

"You would go straight for the difficult questions wouldn't you," she muttered under her breath, exasperated, "I mean that there were no shinobi. There were no hidden villages, the percentage of soldiers was much smaller, and their training started much older. There were no jutsus, kunai and shuriken weren't used, and swords were outdated. Apart from hand held tools which were originally designed to be used for something else, I had only ever seen non lethal weapons in my first life."

He stared baffled at her head, struggling and failing to imagine this place. He had understood what she had told him, but they weren't clicking to reach the conclusion she was clearly pointing him toward.

"The stars here are in completely different places," she sighed. Suddenly he got it. She was implying that she was from a different world altogether. It just seemed too far fetched. But it made a lot of sense. She hadn't known the any of the language or letters that everyone in the Elemental Nations knew. He didn't recognise English at all.

There were some things about her that were just different than other people. He had always compared her to other children, but had never made the connection between her and other adults because even then she wasn't exactly like them. It was in subtle ways he found hard to put a finger on. It was like she went around Konoha tearing down what she saw in her eyes into it's separate components, for analysis in a way no one else did. It made more sense if she was doing so to compare it to the model of a society she already had in her head.

He didn't know what to say to that, so he moved on for now.

"What was your name?" He looked at her, and he simply didn't feel right calling her Su-chan anymore. Maybe that would change over time, but it felt wrong to apply the name he associated with his young dependant child on someone he knew wasn't.

"It wasn't a name in English. In the world I came from there were a ton of languages from different areas. Some of my family came from another place originally, and I was named after my great grandmother after she died. My name was- my name is Sona," her face softened sadly, and even though the word meant nothing to him, that clearly wasn't the case for her.

"I didn't feel anything for my name before I died. It's strange that I only care for it now."

"Hmm, did it mean anything?" He asked, a touch kinder.

"Gold."

"It's nice. Did you not have family names?"

"We did. I have a middle name too. Family names went last. My name is Sona Indrani Ray."

He liked the way it rolled smoothly and easily off her tongue, adding a new rhythm to her words that were different from English.

"Can I call you that?" He asked impulsively. He didn't want to call her a name he had strong associations to. Not for the time being at least. He finished with her tangles and she rinsed her hair.

"The full thing? It's a bit of a mouthful. Just pick whichever bit you like best, I suppose. You can call me whatever you like." She shrugged, and he saw she truly wasn't fussed.

"What about you?" She asked, a hint of wariness colouring her words.

"What about me?"

"What am I supposed to call you? You asked me not to call you tou-san, but people will think it's disrespectful of me if I don't call you that in public at least. And whether you like it or not, biologically you are my parent."

As she stepped out of the bucket and he poured the water away, he saw the merit in what she said.

"Call me tou-san in public then. At home... perhaps you can call me dad." His heart picked up pace at the suggestion, and he hid his anticipation. He didn't know what he was reaching for here, but he had said it all the same.

"No." Came her unflinching reply. He wasn't sure why it affected him so much, for her to deny him.

"I get that tou-san is loaded with personal meanings for you, and that makes you uncomfortable having it applied between us, but the same goes for the English version for me. I'm never going to call you that, because I had a dad. When I say that word I think of him, not you. I don't want to replace him with you, and a lot of what I associate with that word aren't exactly good either. My dad wasn't a kind person. I love him even now, but he wasn't kind."

It was easier to swallow once he had an explanation, and although he didn't like to be reminded that in her mind she called someone else father, he couldn't feel too angry over it, considering he had also denied her that same title.

And yet he didn't want her to call him Kakashi. It was what everyone else called him, and somehow that didn't settle right with him. Eventually he gave up.

"I don't know. I'm sure you'll think of something."

With her wrapped up, he bent down to pick up her clothes and eyed the filthy garments in disgust.

"Why are you wearing such revolting things? You have more clothes than I do."

She grunted as she squeezed her fingers into the small gap he had gotten into the habit of leaving in all the doors inside, so she could open them.

"After a while I was too unclean and I just would have gotten clean clothes dirty straight away."

He nodded, and felt self recrimination heat his stomach. He shouldn't have left her for so long. It was still his job to look after her. Apparently she saw his thoughts on his face when she turned to look at him.

"Don't feel bad. I could have come to you at any time. I'm not a child. I chose not to, because I wanted to give you some space after... everything. I know traditionally when we wash is time for us to be close to each other, and I didn't to pressure you or even have that conversation when things were still... raw."

He followed her to their room, deciding to just throw them away when he was done. They were too stained and grey to do anything for them.

"Don't wait so long next time. No matter what."

"Even if you're really angry with me?"

"Yes. I'll still help you get clean."

"Thank you," she sounded genuinely grateful and he got the sense that she was thanking him for more than he knew. "The room is a mess by the way. Just warning you."

She opened the door, and his eye widened at the pile of smelly clothes shoved into a corner, the sheet he slept under had also been dragged off the bed and onto the floor in a pile, and one of his Icha Icha books was lying next to it.

"What did you do in here?"

"The bed is too high for me to get on it, so I slept on the floor. I don't know how to work the washing machine, and I can't reach the buttons anyway, and also the Icha Icha was because I got bored. I had to stop quite early though, because I couldn't reach the sink after I went to the toilet and I didn't feel right reading it with dirty hands. I tried not to touch much after that."

Each explanation was like a punch to the chest, highlighting how much he had been neglecting her. This couldn't continue.

"You're not sleeping on the floor anymore, I'll lift you up if you need it, both at night and to the sink."

"Alright. And the Icha Icha? I know I should have asked your permission before touching something so important to you."

He hesitated, discomfited by the image of little Subaru reading something so mature. But then that was why he didn't want to call her Subaru until he had gotten rid of mentality of that name belonging to a child. Twenty one year old Sona could read Icha Icha all she liked. He still hesitated, knowing if he gave her the go ahead, he may well see the face he linked to his little child reading adult material. But then that might be just the sort of jarring sight he needed to get used to, in order to get the truth into his head.

"Treat them carefully, and only read the old ones that I've already finished."

Forcing himself not to change his mind, Kakashi reached down and picked up the book, placing it back on the low shelf. The sheet would need a wash. He bundled the sheet and dirty clothes together, and went to leave the room.

"Hey." He turned to her, where she was back to staring at the floor and stroking the joints of her left fingers.

"I just... I just want a straight answer about what you're going to do with what I told you. And with me. You know, for my peace of mind."

" _Do_ with you?"

She huffed, and peered up through her lashes with a slight frown, "yeah, are you going to tell the Hokage, or other people about the truth? Will I have to see a Yamanaka? Am I going to have people watching me closely? Am I- am I going to be taken away? I just... would like to know beforehand if possible."

His breath caught when he realised what she was scared of. It hadn't even occurred to him to do any of those things. He considered it a Hatake matter, and to be kept between them unless she told someone else. It wasn't like she was a shinobi who was lying to her superiors, or someone who had replaced Subaru but pretended otherwise. It wasn't like her previous life had taken place in another hidden village to which she was still loyal.

He almost physically recoiled at the idea of having a Yamanaka rip through her mind, or giving her to likes of Danzo to ensure her loyalty to Konoha.

"None of those things. You're a civilian still, and so it isn't a shinobi matter. The Hatake are a clan, no matter how small, and I consider this clan business, with nothing to do with the Hokage."

She visibly relaxed with relief, and a huge weight seemed to have been removed from her shoulders.

"Oh, that's- that's good. Thank you," she bit the inside of her lip briefly, and looked to the side, "are we good? Is everything okay between us?"

He felt regretful, but was firm in his reply, "no."

He saw the aborted hunch of her shoulders and shudder in her breathing, and added, "we have a lot to talk about first, before things can go back to being okay."

She nodded, and miserably commented, "things aren't ever going back to the way they were between us are they?"

He shook his head, feeling exactly as she looked. She looked up at him then, a resolution in her eyes that he had never seen from her before.

"But, that doesn't mean what comes next will be bad, or in any way worse, or any less important to me. Just because we won't apply the label father and daughter, it doesn't mean I love you any less. You're the most important person to me in this world, and I love you as much as I ever loved any of my family from my last life. You are family. There just... isn't a word invented or a box we fit into."

He could see her mild discomfort in what she was saying, but he also saw it stemmed from forcing herself to be so open with how she felt. He recognised the honesty, belief and emotion in her words.

It didn't change anything about what had already happened, or even much about how he felt toward it all, but it succeeded in bringing a small smile to face, and giving a more hopeful slant toward their future.

"You've had a lot more time to discover how you feel about this all, and where you would like to go with it than I have. We still need to talk about this before I can decide anything." His words could have been harsh, but his tone was gentle.

She agreed with a melancholy twist to her smile, and he left her to change into clean clothes.

He still had a lot of questions, and a part of him still thought that she had betrayed him and lied to him. But he admitted that she wasn't a malicious person, and her intentions weren't hurtful; there was probably a lot more to it than he was seeing, which he wouldn't know until he asked.

Above all, though, was that he _wanted_ things to be good between them again. He wanted the affection, the laughter and playfulness, the closeness he had with her and no one else. Now he knew she wanted that too, he had some hope that he hadn't lost everything.

He supposed even after all this, he still trusted her.

* * *

 _How was reading the chapter? I know it wasn't quite the resolution people were probably looking for, but when someones entire perspective on such a personal thing is forcibly shifted so drastically, it can take a while for them to come to terms and accept the new one._

 _Who do you feel most for in this situation? I kinda just wanted to make them hug it out and make up, but that was pretty much how I solved Subaru's depression haha._

 _What did you think about the name thing? He's not never going to call her Subaru again, he just wants to take a break from it. I took inspiration from my experience when I found out my girl cat was a boy cat when I went to get 'her' spayed. He already had a gender neutral name, but I had to give him a nickname while I got used to not associating his real one and thus him with 'female'._

 _I hope I portrayed Kakashi feeling really uncertain, angry and betrayed and not sure what he should do about Subaru, but still loving her and caring about her, properly._


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Agh, why is it so difficult to get Subaru/Sona and Kakashi to a happy point! I felt like I had to cram them together like two positive magnets. They just didn't want to go. My frustration may have come through in a bit of a rant.

I know there's a lot going on between those two, but I didn't want to leave Gai behind. I never intended to make him a godfather, but he became one and now Subaru/Sona loves him, which I never intended to happen either, and I couldn't just leave him out of all this entirely.

By the way, for those of you who haven't ever watched Austin Powers, you should. It's sort of a piss take of James Bond. It may not be everyone's sense of humour, but it'll give a lot of you giggles. But you can probably find clips on YouTube to get a good enough idea in the mean time.

I haven't edited this, so read at your own risk.

English speaking = blablablafuckbla Japanese speaking = blablabla-sanbla

Thanks to all those awesome reviewers, and anyone who faved and followed! Let me know what works or doesn't for you, and any prompts for scenes you want to see going forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 18 - Can I Say My Shit? I Got Lots Of Shit To Say**

Contrary to my expectations, once DFB had begun to speak to me again, I was not inundated with questions, or interrogated, or grilled. The ball was firmly in his court, but he seemed unhurried in doing anything about that. I could never be sure if he was applying tactics he knew to assess me, or let the pressure build to ensure I told the truth when he did ask, or... what. For all that I had been adept at psychological warfare in a domestic setting in my old life, I didn't kid myself that I stood a chance against someone like DFB. Especially now he knew there was an adult mind behind my deceptively young face.

Things seemed to remain at an impasse between us, in which DFB made food, and helped me with all the things I physically couldn't do, and we were painfully polite to each other. He still chivvied me out on walks that tested my body, and I helped him with the small amounts of housework that I could. But everything thing was stilted and distant between us.

He was still the same DFB to me, and it was difficult to keep reminding myself that he wasn't acting like an awkward knobhead, but was trying to wrap his head around having a huge part of his life reveal itself to be nothing like he thought it had been or would be. My whole world had changed a year and a bit ago, and look how well I had dealt with that.

I figured I could give DFB the time he needed, rather than impatiently pushing for resolution filled conversations, so that things could be easy and comfortable again for me.

At my request, I began to spend more time at Gai's apartment over the next two weeks, to escape the stifling atmosphere at home. The man, as always, welcomed me with overwhelming enthusiasm. He nearly always brought a smile to my face, the magnitude of his vibrancy, intensity and care free attitude lifted my spirits when I was around him. It hadn't been so apparent in the character portrayal of him in my old world, but Gai was incredibly funny. I saw, with delight, that Gai knew he was ridiculous and he owned it. He managed to simultaneously be utterly serious about who he was, and completely send himself up.

He was weird and wonderful, and I didn't understand why he got so many creeped out reactions from people. If there was someone who had perfected the art of going through life like it was their own internal joke, it was Gai. He was relentlessly colourful like nothing else I had ever come across, and I could see how he had broken down the barriers of someone like DFB.

My only complaint was his noise levels when he got excited. He tried to tone it down for me when I was around, but he mostly failed. Not that I would tell him that, or he would run off on one of his absurd 'penance challenges'. My visits with Gai during this time were strongly bittersweet for me. I enjoyed myself, undoubtedly, but in the back of my mind I was always aware of the incomplete issue of DFB. It drove me nuts, to have a negative relationship with someone I loved so much, and not jump on it in an attempt to turn it around. Being with Gai felt like running away from the problem, which served as a continuous itch I forced myself not to scratch.

With the disrepair that my relationship with DFB had fallen into, I didn't dare tell Gai the truth too. Not at the same time. If Gai decided he needed space from me, or was disappointed in me, or anything along those lines, my last platform of stability would crumble. It was only when I found myself making that choice that I realised how much I relied on them both for my mental health. If something happened to them both I was screwed, but I couldn't bring myself to consider branching out and making more connections at this point. Not when it would require more people in on my secret, not with DFB emotionally absent.

Gai clearly knew something was up between DFB and I, but he didn't push to know, which I was grateful for. He was a reprieve for me to recharge, before I went back to standing mournfully on the edge of the gulf that existed between DFB and I. He stopped me from feeling depressed again, and alleviated the anxiety that I breathed continuously. He reminded me of a more energetic, intense, taijutsu Master, non sexually active version of Austin Powers. If such a thing could be imagined. It was still too much for me all the time, and I found myself blanking a good section of what he did and said, so that I could reserve my energy around him enough that I could spend more time with him, but he never minded that and I loved him for it.

As I spent more time in his apartment, I noticed little signs crop up of my influence in his life, and it warmed me. The flow chart and diagram covered in images of red roses in bloom he had made, to explain a woman's menstrual cycle to me with great passion lay propped up against the wall, and always brought a grin to my face as I remembered having to draw the line when he tried to present it alongside interpretative dance, in case I pissed myself with laughter. The framed or pinned photos of DFB and I, Gai and I, DFB and Gai, or all three of us were liberally scattered through the place, depicting various significant moments between us, all carefully free of dust. Various clothes of mine were tucked away here or there, and the occasional book that had been used to teach me to read.

Gai's place was my second home, and he always knew what to say or do to make me feel better, even if I gave no indication of what was bothering me. To be honest, most of the time, all he had to do was grin and wiggle his truly ludicrously large eyebrows and I generally cracked up- seriously though, it was one thing to see those depicted in neat lines in an anime, and another thing entirely to be confronted by the real life version. I couldn't bring myself to touch them, but sometimes I just stared in wonder. I had a theory that he wore his insane outfit because it was the only thing that would distract people from eyebrows large enough to have their own gravitational pull.

I would usually help Gai train in some tiny fashion, or be placed somewhere safe and out of the way to watch. During Gai's breaks he would spend time with me, which often left me absolutely gasping for breath as his down time was my version of extreme exercise.

I was generally so shattered by the end of each day, that I barely even registered the night that DFB came back to sleep in the bed, thanks to the fact that he was always up before me and down after me.

* * *

As the first week after we had agreed to talk came to a close and the second week ticked by, my impatience rose. He was still barely speaking to me or acknowledging me when he didn't have to, and I felt like I was being punished.

I was in two minds about everything, and it only got worse as the feeling of being on the receiving end of a prolonged punishment increased. I was frustrated that DFB could end the stalemate between us at any time but chose not to, but I rationalised that I had given him the option of starting talks between us to intentionally give him the power of that choice.

I felt that if it made him feel better to punish me for lying to him out of omission, and hurting him so deeply by allowing his perception of me to be false all the while knowing I would force him to change it at some point, then it was deserved- especially considering how much it had affected him. But a part of me strongly felt that I was being punished for more than that. I felt blamed for not being the 20 month old child he wanted, like I had purposefully denied him that. Like I had had any control over being reborn at all. I felt blamed for becoming depressed. I felt blamed for trying to commit suicide.

I logically understood why he might be angry at my previous suicide attempt, and year long depression, when he had been the one most responsible for cleaning up the fall out of those things, but I felt unjustly punished too. I hadn't meant to become depressed. It wasn't something I just decided to do because I liked being difficult, or was bored, or wanted attention. I didn't try to commit suicide to be contrary, to purposefully hurt DFB, or anything along those lines. I tried to kill myself because I was in a really bad place, and at the time I genuinely didn't want to live anymore.

On one hand I understood that I had allowed myself to become depressed by not even trying to reach out to DFB, and taking no responsibility over our relationship at first. On the other hand, I didn't get there by myself, and had spent a significant portion of my time sliding into depression as a completely helpless baby, unable to even try to communicate, during which DFB didn't bother trying either.

Part of me was convinced that DFB was the injured party here- he was the one who's world had been damaged, the hurt one, the one who I should be empathetic to and give time. Another part felt like he was just punishing me long after he was no longer angry as a complacent, petty way of making me hurt too, and that I was the injured party first. I had had my death taken from me, and been forced back into life in a strange world surrounded by strange people, which I had found completely traumatising. I felt like he wasn't showing me the same empathy I was showing him, in him taking personally the melt down I had essentially had in the year following something I had found so horrifying.

Half my thoughts whispered to me that this wasn't about me, this was about him and his loss and his suffering, let him work through it how he needed to. The other half whispered that it wasn't about him and how he chose to personalise my depression, my suicide attempt, my desperate attempt to protect myself by not telling the person I completely relied upon to survive something that could alienate him completely.

I was being selfish, I thought in self recrimination. He was being selfish, I thought in resentment and anger. We needed to talk this out or nothing would ever be solved, I knew. What if he was purposefully abusing the troubles we were going through to mete out what he thought was my just desserts, I bitterly wondered. What if he was still hurting, and needed time, I scolded. We needed to talk, I desperately tried to communicate with him without saying anything to pressure him. But it was up to him, and unless I changed my mind about leaving the choice up to him, I was stuck in this loop of stressful thoughts and feelings until he decided otherwise, I angrily acknowledged.

I had done this to myself. He was doing this to me. And round and round I went.

* * *

At the end of the second week, when I had almost resigned myself to living in a perpetual state of too polite, too distant, too much unsaid, DFB spoke up.

I had been dropped off by Gai slightly earlier than usual, and tiredly plodded my way past DFB reading on the sofa, to change into something more comfortable.

"Sona?"

His tone was filled with the weight of anticipation, and I knew in that moment exactly what he wanted.

"Yes?" I asked, with a measured voice.

"I have some questions I'd like to ask you, if you feel up to it." It was that by now familiar, horribly polite tone he used that set me off.

"So you're talking to me now are you?" The words blurted out of my mouth, filled with bitter resentment before I could stop them. It was only when I felt them linger almost visibly in the air, that I acknowledged to myself how much watching DFB make no move or effort to close the chasm that existed between us, had been hurting me. It felt like he no longer gave a damn about me, about our family, now that he knew my mental age. It felt like my affection was expendable- like I was expendable. It felt like his love came with conditions that were impossible to fill, unless I had chosen to live a lie, and include him in it without ever telling him.

He looked momentarily taken aback, before he smoothed out his features. We made eye contact for a few seconds, me waiting for him to say something- anything, and him waiting for I didn't fucking know what. When he didn't speak, I burst. I had spent the last few weeks desperately trying to be fair to him and what he needed, balancing out both of our opinions and our desires and our feelings equally, so that I wasn't selfish but didn't neglect myself. That only worked for so long, if the other person wasn't doing the same. In the face of more silence from him, I gave up trying to be perfectly understanding and fair to us both, when apparently he wasn't bothered about even attempting to do something similar for me. Since he was more than happy being an inconsiderate self-wallowing asshole, I figured I could give my own feelings some priority in this conversation. To put it bluntly; I ranted at him.

Everything that had been spinning round in my mind for the last week spilled out in a messy pile of Japanese and English. I didn't raise my voice- I hated shouting, and neither my last voice nor this one was particularly built for angry volumes. But the anger and wounded emotions clearly underscored each of my words. I may have spoken with a reasonable level of clarity and conciseness, but the message behind what I was saying ensured it couldn't be described as anything but ranting. And as my ranting picked up pace and passion, by god did DFB get dumped into the deep end of an introduction to the way English swearwords could be littered throughout a sentence. He remained silent throughout it all, just taking everything I had to throw at him with a calm face, never once looking away from me.

"I get it, alright? I fucking get it," I slowed, feeling my protracted rant wind down, "I lied to you, and I screwed around with your emotions, and I completely fucked up. I fucked up so bad, and you were the one who it affected. I'm so sorry about that, you don't even know. The last thing I ever, _ever_ want is to cause you any pain. I didn't mean to, and after I realised what I was doing, telling you the truth was the only thing that I thought of and the first thing I did.

"But I'm not a fucking a robot, I can't just keep bloody waiting for you to show me an ounce of compassion or humanity again. I want this family to stick together until we've sorted this shit out between us, but if you're going to go out of your way to make that more fucking difficult than it needs be, then I have to think of my own health. My mind still isn't the strongest place right now, and I'm not sacrificing it at the fucking alter of your own goddam grudge keeping abilities. I love you DFB, but I'm not some sort of emotionally battered submissive girl, who'll put up with your shit and put up with it and not say anything. If that's your conditions to us fixing things then I'll have to say fuck you very much, and ask Gai if he'll take me in, or go to the orphanage.

"I just... this is my second go at life, you know? It's not something you could easily understand unless you went through it yourself, so I don't blame you if you don't get it, but... I want to live this life well. For me. And for you if you'd let me. And for Gai. I've lost so much already. I don't want to get to the end of this one and realise I fucked it all up again. I don't want to keep quiet when I don't have to. I don't want to live my life trying to please other people, or get the approval of strangers that I don't know and don't give a shit about.

"I got to the end of my last one, and I realised that that was it. That was all I had, and all life was. It was like I'd been waiting for something to happen, to push me out of the door into the life I really wanted to be living, to meet that person and have that conversation that really clicked for me, to do those things I'd always one day wanted to do, to be that person I wanted to be one day. I kept waiting for one day, not realising that we don't get one day. We only ever get now. And now. And now. I'm not fucking waiting to get to my next death and realising I'd bloody well done it all over again... so would you... would you just fucking say something, you bastard?"

There was a pause, during which my heart was in my throat, and I ruthlessly suppressed any embarrassment that tried to make itself known for me having just poured my heart out. And then DFB raised his hand, rubbing the back of his head with a small sheepish smile.

"Perhaps I should start off by saying that after our talk a couple of weeks ago, I thought I might benefit from asking a professional about the way to go about discussing your jump from the balcony without, hm, triggering anything, before I approached a conversation with you."

I went blank at the unexpected information. "Oh. How long ago..."

"The first day Gai came over to stay with you, a couple of days after we spoke."

It felt like my emotions were oscillating too quickly for me to keep track of them as I listened to DFB. So I pushed them aside for now.

"Then how come you waited so long to ask me anything?"

He had the grace to look mildly embarrassed, and gave an awkward laugh, "it turns out Dr. Mukai had more to discuss with me on the subject than I thought."

I let his words tick over my mind, thoughtfully. My eyebrows creased in suspicion.

"Did you... go for advice, and end up getting therapy?"

He waved his hand in front of his face, wearing his unconvincing eye smile and reassuring expression, "maa maa, Dr. Mukai isn't a licensed therapist, Sona. She just... wanted to talk to me about some things, and... lead me toward reaching some conclusions myself, rather than telling them to me."

"Riiight. And what were some of these conclusions that took you two weeks to come to?"

He shrugged, a blatantly false care free smile on his face, "mostly a different version of the same things you just told me. You've come a long way toward recognising and understanding yourself, Sona. I'm impressed."

I blushed and shrugged, forcing a small scowl onto my face, "I had a lot of time to think things through, is all."

DFB's smile gentled into something smaller, and more genuine, "yeah, I apologise for making you wait for so long, without saying anything. I didn't think about how much you would have been worrying."

I couldn't prevent the small twitch of my lips as I imagined the absolute hell it must have been for Dr. Mukai to make a reluctant DFB open up about his emotions to her, enough to actually listen to what she was telling him. I bet DFB was uncomfortable about it all from beginning to end. I hadn't given much thought to why I hadn't been taken to see her for my bi weekly check ups, assuming it was a case of DFB not caring as much.

I had never particularly been interested in talking to her myself, but watching the way she handled DFB each week was always fun. The woman was a consummate professional, and had a straight talking blunt way of cutting through all his psychological game bullshit, to the heart of the matter. I had mad respect for that woman, as did DFB, and if I didn't know better, I would think he had a crush on her.

As it was I was glad he didn't, and had been far too focussed on being a single parent to think about dating. Additionally, I was fairly sure she wasn't interested in men. Although, I wasn't certain if that was something she wanted other people to know or not, so I hadn't said anything.

"You're such an emotionally incompetent idiot," I commented with an exasperated smile, fond feelings shining through my words. "Next time just tell me. I hate relationship drama of any kind. It's so annoying. Just... talk to me. Even if you don't understand it yourself, if you talk to me- or anyone- out loud, it can really help straighten the complicated shit out in your head."

He chuckled and once more rubbed the back of his head, "I can see that now. So you don't have to go and stay with Gai, and definitely not the orphanage."

"Are you sure? I'm quite enjoying being called a beautiful blossom everyday."

"Maa maa, if all it takes are complements to win you over, I can beat Gai any day."

I snorted lightly, before eyeing him more seriously, "so, what is it that you want to talk about with me, then? Is it.. stuff about the last year?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "we can get to that. I know you, but I also don't know you. I want to get to know grown up you better. Last time we got over a rough patch, it wasn't so bad- bits of it were nice. Fun. I like to see you happy, and going straight into those sorts of things won't do that. I want to hear about your last life, and what went into making you Sona."

I laughed briefly at him, "You're so annoying, with your unspoken subtext all over the place, whenever you speak." Forgiveness, apologies, care, love, hope, amends, curiosity, acceptance.

"So are we good, now?" I asked him, not too bothered about if the answer was yes or no, when I knew now, that it would eventually get to 'yes' regardless.

He smiled down at me, a small thing that was no less bright in it's fondness, "we're getting there."

He leaned forward, and to my surprise, wrapped his hands around the torso and lifted me into the air. He placed me beside him, and lay his hand on my head, before running his fingers through the thick hair.

"So," he casually commented, "there were quite a few words you mentioned that I think it's time I knew the meaning to. Lets start with 'fuck' shall we?"

* * *

 _Alright, I reckon we'll be getting a Gai pov in the next chapter or two. I'm looking forward to it, but slightly dreading it because it's so difficult to write an up close interaction with Gai, capturing his ridiculousness but also making it realistic enough that someone might actually do that._

 _but then there's another part of me that's just like 'people are fucking weird dude, you could write anything and guarantee someone out there is like that.'_

 _So maybe this wasn't quite the full all the way hug it out ending people were looking for, but it'll take a little more time and be a constantly evolving relationship. I didn't really want Kakashi and Sonaru to hash it all out about her suicide attempt and depression in depth, so I just threw therapy at Kakashi and let Sonaru say her shit. **I'm trying to decide how to go about letting the readers know about fairly large chunks of Subaru's past, as she tells Kakashi. Do I have her tell it in chunks? Do I string it out through the story?**_

 _ **Idk, how interested are you guys in her past? Which things that she's mentioned or relationships do you want to hear about first? I gave a list of people she had, which she can talk about in chapter 16 (I think) and they all have their stories with her, there was a list of offers of topics from her in 17,**_ _ **and she's thrown references to other shit throughout. Let me know, and I'll make it happen. Pretty much anything she's mentioned about her old life has a bigger story or multiple bigger stories to it.**_


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Happiness again :) yay. Next chapter is a special Gai pov chap. It might take a couple days or it might be quite short depending on how difficult I find writing in his pov

Thanks to those who let me know about Sonaru's past in reply to my notes at the end of last chapter. Taking what was said into consideration and what obviously only I know of her past/it's relevance, I've decided to do a little bit of what was suggested and a little bit not.

This is one of the very few chapters intended to focus on her last life. Every other time, as suggested will be triggered by relevant circumstances throughout.

Still, one of the points of this fic is that it's almost entirely unplanned and fluid. So if you guys read something about her past you want know more about, or anything along those lines, don't hesitate to ask and I'll find a way to make it a relevant memory.

Zero editing done here, beware. English spoken words are underlined

Thank you so much for reviews, favs and follows! Let me know what's works or doesn't make work so well for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 19 - These Are The Moments**

DFB and I kept the conversation light and unserious for the rest of the evening. We spoke about swearwords in my world, what they meant, when they were used, and where. I did my best to impart the great wisdom of the swearword to him, to his amusement.

We ate quietly during meal time, and soon afterward, DFB had us both quickly wash, and we were in bed. I noticed it was earlier than the usual time, with suspicions as to why, when DFB sat up against the headboard, and said to me, "I'd like to hear about your childhood."

"Which bit?" I was casual and unbothered in my response. He pondered for a moment, and then he shrugged.

"I don't know, whatever comes to mind. Start with your first memory." I smiled at him, finding myself oddly excited to explain my family and my world to someone who had been exposed to neither.

"Okay. But remember, I wasn't an objective observer and even looking back there are bits I'm sure I misinterpreted, or didn't know at all. So don't be thinking I'm an encyclopaedia of correct knowledge about my life or world. It's all just my own personal opinion."

He nudged me, "stop dilly dallying." Never should have taught him those words, he loved the way it sounded way too much.

"Fine, fine. Don't be so impatient." I took a deep breath, and looked off, casting my mind back to the earliest memory I could find. It reminded me deeply of spending my time with my mother and siblings. We saw her every other weekend, and on the four hour drive to London, we would take in turns telling her what we had done, in story form to make things more interesting. Of course, it always devolved into squabbling, and correcting each other and someone was usually crying at some point (generally me), but that method of talking about my past or my childhood never really went away.

"My earliest memory was when I was very young. From what I've heard, most people have memories starting from four, or five. Mine seems to be when I was two. It's just a snippet really. I remember my siblings and I were in my mother's room, and it was early in the morning. We lived with her at that point, and she had kicked my dad out months earlier. Her name was Kanti Ray. I didn't understand it at the time, but he had been the sole income earner, and he had owned half the house. We lived in this small village, and there were only two coloured people around- not including my middle sister and I, who were 'acceptably diluted' with our 'foreign blood'. My mother was one of them, having a coloured father and a white mother, and people in the village thought she was scum. She lived in the biggest house, with the largest garden, she was brown skinned, and she had chosen to be a single mother.

All of those things together, were completely unacceptable to them. My dad- Simeon- refused to help my mother out financially, even though he was legally supposed to, she couldn't get a job whilst looking after us, and he wouldn't let her sell the house. So the gas was shut off, and the lights stopped working, and we went hungry. It was this big drafty house. She couldn't afford more wood for the fireplaces, and it was Winter. My dad had smashed up the wooden frame of the bed before he left, so there was just a mattress on the floor.

I remember we would all sleep in her bed huddled together for warmth, and barely leave from underneath the covers all day if we could help it. We had grown out of most of our clothes, and we couldn't afford more. I had my middle sister Rue, to the left of me, and my brother Caspian- who I came to call sister when we were older- to the right of me. I was held by my mother, and we were all so hungry. But we were warm, and all of us were smiling or laughing. I felt happy."

I appreciated, as I began to talk, why DFB had moved us to the bedroom. The curtains were closed and the room was a dim grey. It was easier, lying in bed and quietly speaking, than it might have been sat upright next to him on the sofa, or across from each other at the table. My words came easier immediately, and my pauses were smaller. Sometimes we made eye contact. But mostly we both just lay on our backs and stared at the ceiling.

Filled to the brim with nostalgia, I spoke my family to life again. My words carefully painted my childhood into existence in the darkness of the room, and I took the time to lovingly flesh out the uniqueness of each person, until it felt like they could be standing in the room with me. I almost forgot DFB was even there.

* * *

The next night he asked the same of me- to tell him about my childhood. Night after night, I shared a facet of my childhood and buffed it until shined clearly for both of us. I told him of my mother's unbreakable stubbornness and fierce ability to out argue anyone she met. I shared about Rue's untameable, wild and sometimes cruel nature, as she stripped on tabletops on her first day of school, down to her underwear and belly danced. I spoke about Caspian's quiet, broken solemness that hid a world of trauma and deep thought, of his gentle protectiveness hidden underneath all of that, which my mother tried sometimes gently and sometimes with tough love to coach out of him more and more. I told him ruefully of my entitled and haughty attitude, too articulate for adults outside of my family to wrap their heads around and convinced that those outside of my immediate family were of lesser intelligence, including my dad-but always small and sweet and cute and smiley enough to get away with it.

I spoke carefully and in depth of my dad's ability to charm anyone, his charisma. He adored children and had more time for them than adults, because he had the same amount of physical energy as one. Few things pleased him more than watching us enjoy and finish a meal he had cooked, or falling asleep on the sofa with us all piled around and on top of him. He was the most playful adult I ever met, and more than happily bought us trampolines, and motor bikes, and video games, and paint ball guns and all manner of toys, to play with us. He always supported us above and beyond in our hobbies; paying for dance, swim, gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do, surfing, diving and music lessons, and instruments.

Driving us all over the place to football, rugby, badminton, hockey, drama club, art club, writing courses. He loved buying me clothes from girly dresses to boys outfits, would listen to me read my writing out loud, and critique it, he bought me a library worth of books, and my siblings a store worth of video games that he would play with them.

He was a rebel, rule breaker, adventurer, womaniser, adrenaline junky. He was a drug addict, with a violent mercurial temper. He liked to play harmful psychological games with us, knowing it would upset our mother. He brought awful people into our home to sell drugs to them, and didn't do a proper paid days work until I was eleven years old. He was obsessed with our mother, and would stalk her, harass her, hurt her. He told me once that she was the only woman he had ever loved, and he hated her for taking that from him, every woman after her was a search for what he thought he'd lost with her. He liked it when people were frightened of him. He constantly oscillated between using us as pawns against mother, regardless of us being collateral damage, and being a doting caring dad. He laughed at people's pain, and couldn't feel empathy.

I never truly understood him.

DFB lay next to me in the dark through it all, listening. He occasionally asked questions about things he didn't understand, or to clarify something. Sometimes his questions side tracked me entirely, and on multiple occasions I found myself caught up in describing the details of how my world worked; I told him what I knew of slavery, sexism, the suffragette movement and the waves of feminism, the class barriers in my country, the world wars, anti semitism, immigration and how it mixed with racism, I told him of the shift in attitudes over gay rights, it's legalisation in my country fifty years before I died, and it's progression after that to more open, varied and colourful genders and sexualities. He was fascinated by the history of religion in my country, and it was with some sheepishness that I told him what little I could remember with detail. I explained to him of the ongoing fight for black equality, global warming, globalism and pacifism.

I explained the bare basics of the country's political system, buses and planes, the internet (that was a tough one to explain properly) the population demographics that I was aware of, the education system, and the highly thought of careers.

It was in these topics that he took the most part in. He discussed and asked and debated. I found myself with an unexpectedly lively conversation partner each night that I got derailed from speaking of my life.

In turn DFB shared with me comparisons to the world I was now in, he pointed out where he thought my old world was more open minded and where it was behind in social progression. We discussed the impact that having chakra had had on the world compared to one without.

He shared little that was personal, and I skipped important memories that I didn't want to talk about yet. I knew I was probably forgetting to tell him about a lot of things and people, and I didn't go past the age of twelve for the time being. For a little while at least, I wanted to leave it at the temporary happy ending it had felt like at the time to me- of going to live with my mother once more, in a quiet road, by an excellent school, in a middle class area, with a kind somewhat airhead stepfather, and my whole life ahead of me, having escaped my dad and stepmother.

* * *

Over four months, it became something of a ritual to lie down in bed and talk for two or so hours. We had already been family, and I had thought of him as a sort of friend, but during that time, we truly became close friends.

We sometimes stayed up far too late into the night making each other laugh ourselves silly with funny anecdotes of our lives. He became used to the idea that I was an adult in a child's body- as used to it as anyone could become I thought. And then overtime he became comfortable with it too.

There were some parts of me that shocked and baffled him at first; my complete irreverence to the leaders of my country, my elders, my ancestors. My blasé attitude toward the topic of romance, sex and non traditional relationships. My sense of humour certainly was something that he was still warming up to after four months. He oddly didn't mind my foul language but I suspected that it was because I generally kept it to English only, although it took a few days for him to realise I pretty much used insults as terms of affection- generally the worse the insult the greater the affection.

He in turn painted a picture of the Konoha that he loved. I would never be loyal to the place like he was, but I could appreciate the deep affection he felt for the hidden village he had worked his whole life for. The changes he could see amongst the people and attitudes over time, that were directly a result of his hard work and others like him.

What I liked the most about DFB was that he wasn't blindly loyal. He was discerning and perceptive, and he saw the parts of Konoha that he didn't like so much. He didn't like that just the same as in other villages, the shinobi in Konoha who gave everything were always asked for more, often considered more tools than people. He didn't like the power the ignorance of the civilians wielded, and how Sandaime bent to their wishes too often, at the expense of the Shinobi. He didn't like the dark shadows that hid in Konoha, for all that he acknowledged their usefulness- he believed there was another way to go about things, though he didn't know what that would look like. He didn't like how lax the academy was, how little it truly prepared children for shinobi life, and how little it gave the children to use who would walk out of there without a hitai-ate.

He didn't like how often Konoha prisoners were tortured as a method of information extraction, as protocol, rather than more emphasis put on alternative interrogation techniques that had proven more effective. He didn't like some of the power the clans got away with abusing under clan jurisdiction.

Some of these things he didn't tell me straight out, but allowed me to read between the lines. It was his balanced view of his home, and still ardent love for it that won me over. I still didn't care much about Konoha itself, but I knew I could come to protect it out of respect for him.

* * *

Emotionally we were as fond of each other as ever, but mentally and intellectually there was certainly more of a meeting of minds. Physically it took a little time for us to become close again. He was decidedly awkward about it at first, and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He would run his fingers through my hair, lift me places if I needed it, and give me the odd gesture of affection, but it was like we were shuffling around each other desperately trying not to push the other too far.

Eventually I got tired of it. I liked hugs, I liked skin contact, I liked listening to people's heart beats when I relaxed, I didn't mind being picked up, held, and moved around by people bigger than me without my say so, having put up with it for a long time in my last life. In fact I quite liked it, being the lazy shit that I was. As a child I had sat in my push chair and refused to leave it to walk when we were out, until I was almost four years old when I physically couldn't fit anymore. At that point I transition to making my far too doting siblings carry me on their backs. My mother hadn't been impressed. I had never entirely outgrown that desire to be carried everywhere so that I didn't need to use my legs.

So I put my foot down, and firmly told DFB "I want a bath."

He swerved around the topic, and tried to distract me, until I finally sighed, "okay what exactly is your problem around cwtching with me? If it's because you don't know what would be appropriate and what wouldn't, then may I remind you that I was entirely aware when you were holding me up on a toilet seat and wiping me afterwards. I'm pretty sure the line to what's appropriate flew out the fucking window after that."

He gave in, and I aggressively cwtched him, mildly irritated at his reluctance, and scowling at him when he told me the sullen look was adorable on me. Eventually he relaxed, though, learning that it was okay to reciprocate when I went to him for the sort of comfortable and casual affection we had had before. Once he settled back into it, his ingrained habits kicked back in, and before I knew it he was unthinkingly carrying me again, and holding me.

He even caught himself feeding me a few times, before he realised what he was doing- and then continued at my demands that he finish what he started. Truthfully, in normal day to day life I was almost as lazy as a Nara and far more demanding for other people to cater to that than the notoriously lazy clan.

I was never too bothered when I was denied, but I always figured if I didn't ask I wouldn't get, and I had already established in childhood, that if I precociously demanded what I wanted from those who weren't complete strangers with a sweet but cheeky smile on my face, people were likely to give in.

Honestly that had still worked right up until I died. For some reason the fact that I tried this technique out on men and women even as an adult made me amusingly shameless, rather than the manipulative I might have been called if I only tried it on males.

DFB despaired slightly at my laziness but, just as my parents had discovered, he found that I was utterly stubborn about it, and soon he showed more inclination to join me once he realised he couldn't beat me in this.

* * *

I came to call him 'duhfbuh', when he wasn't some other nickname, as a slurred way of saying DFB without effort. He asked what it meant, and when I told him, feeling shy and slightly embarrassed, he showed surprisingly little reaction, easily accepting it as just another of my odd habits. Secretly, in my head it stood as another acronym as well, of what he had come to mean to me.

For all that we had accepted each other as fellow mentally grown people, there was an undeniable experience, maturity and hard edge in DFB that I lacked. I had not had an easy life, but it hadn't been the worst, and I didn't doubt that DFB had seen and experienced far more suffering than I had. It showed.

As a result, although we treated each other as mostly the same mental age, he was protective of me still, and had an authority that I had no interest in challenging him for. It wasn't restrictive, and was focussed on ensuring my wellbeing as I did and said what I wanted, rather than preventing me from doing and saying things in order to keep me safe. It still felt distinctly paternal, and as we became close friends, coming to respect each other's thoughts and opinions, it also carried a brotherly tone.

He was more like my **D** ad/(best) **F** riend/ **B** rother than ever before, and when he did certain things, or his body language shifted slightly when we were in public, my heart ached at how strongly it reminded me of Caspian, who in many ways had been my DadSibling, for all that we had struggled to be friends until my last year alive due to the inequality between us through age- just as Rue had acted as my MumSibling.

DFB became synonymous with safe- physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing bothered him about me for long, and now that my greatest secret was out, I felt like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't be disturbed, or judgemental, or expect anything from me but what I would give. Especially with a best friend like Gai, I could be as weird, wacky, insane, uncensored, shameless or unfeminine as I liked and he barely blinked.

Whilst I couldn't physically protect him like he could me, I felt myself becoming increasingly protective of his mental and emotional state, with every hint of vulnerability he showed me. Truthfully, I could remember few times I had ever been happier. I began to fall in love with my life, even knowing there was quite possibly trouble on the horizon if my original world accurately depicted this one at all.

I had two people who I adored, and was comfortable in the knowledge that they felt the same about me. We were the most important people in each other's lives, and I took every day as it came with a smile. For the time being, I put aside the building of my persona, and just enjoyed myself. I had never had people who allowed me to feel so free and I made sure to tell them that, and to thank them.

* * *

At the approach of my second birthday, Gai showed a complete determination to celebrate properly this year, and I watched him challenge and corral DFB along with him. To the enthusiastic man's great- if momentary -dismay, apparently my birthday had been celebrated the year before, which had been quickly cobbled together by Gai when he found out the imminent date, and I had no recollection of it.

I felt a little guilty, but admitted to them both that my memories of my first year had mostly blurred together in my depression, and very few stood out to me. If someone else had not been keeping an eye on the date, I would have no clue as the length of time I had spent depressed.

Riding the crest of my joy, I turned to DFB and told him, "I want to tell Gai the truth about my age and rebirth. I don't think he'll have a bad reaction to it, but you know him better than I do, and I don't want to ruin the effort he's put into my birthday by telling him beforehand if he's likely to get upset."

DFB peered at me over the edge of his Icha Icha, and made a contemplative, if unbothered noise.

"I don't think it will ruin anything. But I can't always predict Gai's reactions to things even if he's not upset by it, he might do something... Gai. Perhaps it's better to wait for the end of your birthday so it's not rude to leave afterward."

Translation: if Gai got too enthusiastic about it in any manner, DFB wanted to be able to beat a hasty retreat before the man tried to challenge him. Probably leaving me behind in the process to deal with the man, like a complete bastard.

I narrowed my eyes at him, and he eye smiled innocently in reply.

"If you abandon me to deal with an over emotional Gai on my birthday, I'm letting Tora sleep on your pillow," I threatened.

One day whilst DFB was nipping out to get some bento boxes for lunch, a big fluffy, gorgeous brown cat with a stupid fucking ribbon stuck in it's fur had found it's way into our home. I had carefully approached the kitty, removed the uncomfortable looking thing, and fed it a little fish and water. I loved cats, and had happily scritched it behind it's ear and petted it until it dribbled, as it flopped and rolled over my feet.

DFB had been horrified upon his return. Apparently that friendly cat was Tora, which I had honestly completely forgotten about. He clipped that -very expensive he warned me- stupid ribbon back on the poor thing and shooed it out the apartment. It decided it liked me after that, and kept coming back, much to DFBs annoyance, and despite his efforts to keep it out.

He didn't _hate_ cats per say, he just... really really didn't like Tora. Unfortunately for him Tora seemed determined to make itself at home. It might have had something to do with the little treats I fed it when he wasn't around.

At my threat, DFB narrowed his eyes at me in return, "don't start something you won't be able to finish, Sona," his voice was stern with warning, but I heard the playful undertone.

I was guaranteed to lose if I went up against DFB in trolling and pranking, but I figured I'd enjoy myself on the way. Plus Gai would side with me. I smiled challengingly at him.

"No chakra, no weapons, no help from shinobi I've never properly met."

He nodded once and when he held his little finger out for a pinky swear, I couldn't help but laugh, "bring it, old man."

* * *

 _There we go. Honestly the only way they were going to get close again was either to save each other's lives a few times, which wasn't going to happen due to her size, or talk it out and get to know each other again properly. Writing that all in detail would take far too long and so I chose to summarise it mostly. I hope the faster pace of them getting along again doesn't push the reader out of the story, if that makes sense._

 _She's not told him everything, and so there will be things she informs him about later on. However she's obviously told Kakashi a lot that the reader now doesn't know, because it was important for her to be fairly upfront about her past after keeping it a secret._

 _As a result, when it becomes relevant info later, she'll let the reader know what she's told Kakashi in an explained summary. So any mentions of her past before the age of 12 now, assume Kakashi has been told, unless Subaru specifically states she didn't tell him, or is in the process of verbally letting him know._

 _So if everything goes to plan, Gai comes next and if the length doesnt get too long_ _Sonaru finally gets to meet the rest of the Hatake family if you know what I mean (withhold your expectations or excitement for that because I promise it won't be the meeting probably hoped for)_

 _How do you think Gai will react? Do you guys also want to see the prank/troll war from Gai's perspective or have it left be and be happy in the knowledge it happened?_


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So, I had another short break to regain some writing juice. As for Gai's pov, I sort of did it. He's a very extreme character and I found that almost impossible to write from his pov, so you'll probably find it to be a very toned down version of him. Sorry about that, it was really difficult.

I probably won't do this more than a couple more times. It's super tricky for me. To the point that I want to state that's a couple more times just to make sure ya'll know how tricky I found it.

Another feel good chapter. next is the meeting of the pack, where some of Sonaru's past is touched on. So like I said at the end of last chapter, don't get too excited for that.

Very little editing, warning you.

English speaking that Gai actually understands is underlined. Japanese isn't

Thank you so much for your awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 20 - It's My Party, I Do What I Want**

Gai dropped by the Hatake apartment after a light training work out that day, full of energy and Youth for his Eternal Rival and beautiful blossom. After a well executed Dynamic Entry- which was blocked by a Hip and Cool Kakashi before he returned to his cooking- he was delighted to see his goddaughter's big smile as she clapped for him.

"9.5 out of 10, Gai! You missed the .5 because DFB didn't have to take his eyes off the fish."

"I WILL BEAT KAKASHI NEXT TIME AND GAIN THAT .5 FROM YOU, BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOM! WITH HARD WORK I SHALL-"

"Help me beat DFB in the prank war he challenged me to?" She gave an innocent smile.

"I WOULD BE HONOURED TO HELP YOU BEAT KAKASHI IN A CHALLENGE OF PRANKS!"

"Excellent! DFB is allowed to ask the help of any Shinobi I've met before, but can't use weapons or chakra. But that does leave a lot of loopholes. It doesn't matter though, he could have the help of all the shinobi he knows and you'd still be my first choice as a teammate."

Kakashi deadpanned something to Subaru in that code they spoke to each other. Gai only understood the most basic things that they had told him, but he picked up more each time he visited.

She stuck her tongue out playfully in response at him, and held her arms up to Gai. He lifted her onto his shoulder, where she balanced with the help of one hand on her thigh.

His eyes watered emotionally at her touching words and he opened his mouth to belt his appreciation out. A tiny hand slapped down over it.

"Sona safe volumes please, Gai," Kakashi reminded without turning around.

"Ah, sorry Su-hime! Your words were so inspiring, I forgot myself! I must make it up to you!"

"Can I be strapped to the backs of your legs again as you race backward on your hands up that big hill? That was fun, and the view was nice."

"Of course! I will run up and down twenty times!" Gai enthused with a grin, "No, I will do it thirty times! With one hand!"

He automatically turned to help his Rival bring the bowls to the table once he served out, as the man commented, "maa maa, stick with both hands if you're carrying Sona during exercise. I don't want her throwing up on me again."

He handed his beautiful blossom over to his best friend who placed her down by the table and then sat next to her, handing her chopsticks as Gai sat on the other side of the table. She narrowed her eyes at him, as he fished his Icha Icha out and began to read.

"First of all, I did _not_ throw up on you, I expertly averted my head and missed you entirely. Secondly, I wasn't sick because of that, it was just acid reflux- itadakimasu," she took a nibble of her fish and then stabbed her chopsticks in Kakashi's direction, "which was because you made me eat spicy food even after I said I didn't like it."

Without looking up from his book, Kakashi waved a dismissive hand in her direction, "maa you'd never tried spicy food, how could you have known?"

Subaru turned her head to Gai, "Gai let me try some of his spicy food when we went out to eat _months_ ago, didn't you?"

"That is true, I don't believe I have ever seen quite that mixture of green and red before on someone's face, outside of poisoning. It was quite distressing," Gai took a bite and nodded with a thoughtful frown, before swallowing, "and yet also funny."

"Thank you... sort of," she turned back to Kakashi, "see?"

"You hadn't tried _my_ spicy food. How you could know for sure until you had?" He droned, unbothered, "also do you have pictures of that, Gai?"

Gai smiled happily, a hot bubbly feeling inside, as his family light heartedly bickered and argued and teased and laughed, nobody caring who won or what the argument was about. Eventually his Rival managed eat his entire meal at some point when no one was watching, Subaru got bored of lifting her hand to feed herself and so waited until Kakashi was distracted by Gai to place her chopsticks by him, so that he picked it up absentmindedly and started feeding her, Gai challenged his Eternal Rival to a chopstick balancing competition and lost, and Subaru laughed until she fell over- like she did during almost every competition she observed. He left after helping with the tidy up as she fell asleep, having migrated into his best friend's arms.

* * *

With a cheerful beam early the next morning, Gai picked up some five spice, turmeric, and chilli powder and mixed them together on his way to the Hatake apartment. With a silence most would deny him capable of, he let himself in through the apartment, bypassing the well placed traps he knew to avoid after a close shave during his first Dynamic Entry.

Less than a few minutes later, he was whisking a sleepy blossom away on his shoulder, with a booming, "THE CHALLENGE OF PRANKS BEGINS TODAY MY YOUTHFUL RIVAL!"

His beautiful blossom made a whining noise and slapped her hand over his mouth, as back in his bedroom his Eternal Rival sighed under his breath and after a moment of debating pulled the cover back over his head and went back to sleep, rather than preventing the benevolent kidnapping.

Half an hour later, Kakashi lazily made his way into his shower. He turned the water on hot, and ten seconds later swore, leaping back in disgust as the water bubbled back up the drain over his feet, a revolting brown colour.

He stared at his stained feet in horror, wondering what had gone wrong with the drainage system, when the distinct smell of spices reached his nose. He cautiously sniffed a few more times, before drooping in irritation.

"Maa already? Guess I'll have to step it up earlier than I thought."

After unblocking the carefully blocked drain, and rewashing, he returned to the bedroom, only to stop short at the sight of a smug Tora purring away on his pillow with a little henohenomoheji on a piece of paper stuck to its ribbon.

His eyelid narrowed into an unimpressed stare, "this is war."

* * *

Gai and his beautiful blossom went back to his apartment to cook breakfast, after making their plan of attack over the next three days before her birthday, when the cease fire had been agreed in case of risk to chocolate and cake- nobody wanted to see the worrying amounts of disappointment and upset on Su-hime's face when something happened to her sweet things.

They kept the food simple, and as they bit into it, she only had a moment to moan, "oh nooo." Before the heat kicked in, and they were both lying on the floor sweating and desperately crawling to the fridge for milk. Only to find none there.

"How did he retaliate so quickly without chakra?" She complained. Gai knew vaguely that Kakashi must have put a much milder version in his goddaughter's food if they were both showing mostly the same amount of pain, but as he looked at her rapidly red and green turning face, he didn't think she'd appreciate the thoughtfulness if he pointed it out.

His Rival was hit on by an uncomfortably lecherous old woman as he felt obliged to help her carry her bought furniture home for miles. After she pinched his butt as he put them down, she told him a message from a 'sweet little girl who said she knew someone who would help me out if I would do her an odd favour'. He noticed them only after he turned to leave, as they sat some distance away in the trees with a camera.

Gai and Su-hime found their skin dyed blue. Gai mourned his green jumpsuit which had been caught too, and his beautiful blossom placated him by telling him he looked just as fabulous as Konoha's Blue Beast for the morning. She on the other hand, thought she looked fantastic, with her hair caught too her eyes contrasted greatly with the colour and stood out vibrantly.

His best friend got himself caught in a string of glitter bombs, until they knew it wouldn't be coming out for a very long time. He'd be finding little pieces of glitter in his life for years probably.

Su-hime found herself serenaded by tenacious, snot nosed four year olds, and although at first Gai thought it was incredibly sweet and Youthful of them, at his goddaughter's extremely horrified and ill looking reaction, he realised this was a prank from his Rival. It seemed that at times, even Gai could not escape the stubbornness of young children, though- everywhere he thought to hide for the next two hours there was a lisping child with bad poetry waiting.

After that, in which Su-hime had spent the whole time treating them with the aggressive wariness a cat treated dogs, and shuddering in traumatised disgust, they took a break for lunch.

They found a glittery Kakashi, looking for all the world like he wasn't being looked at oddly by the other customers, at a ramen stand. Gai slipped into the seat next to his Rival, and his beautiful blossom easily hopped from his lap, to be caught by Kakashi and settled down.

He raised his eyebrow as he looked down at her, "I'd have thought you'd be avoiding direct contact with the enemy until tonight. Or possibly even after it's all over, Sona."

She tilted her blue head back to look at Kakashi and smiled a small sweet smile, looking a very cute blue version of his Eternal Rival when he eye smiled, "we're taking a break for lunch."

She took out a child's colouring book, as she sometimes did in public in order to both be left alone by cooing strangers, and appear deceivingly young and innocent. "Also I missed you," she muttered quietly under her breath as she drew, not looking at Kakashi.

Gai looked on with quiet amusement as his usually impassive- nonchalant at best- best friend softened and melted. He was completely wrapped around her little finger and everyone knew it. Gai would perhaps be more inclined to make the occasional teasing comment if he wasn't also wrapped around her little finger and they all knew it. It was alright though, because it was more than obvious that she too was completely unable to deny them anything they wanted from her for long.

After she complained that her mouth was numb and she didn't want anything to eat, Kakashi snorted at her pointed jab, and obligingly lifted his chopsticks to share with her and feed her. After that her numb mouth mysteriously got better.

"9 o clock, tou-san," Su-hime rolled her eyes and didn't look up from her drawing. Both men discretely glanced to their left, where a dressed up Terada Sana sat, trying quietly to draw attention without wanting to appear she desired attention. Terada Sana had a strong and unrelenting crush on Kakashi, which he always remained very Cool and Hip toward her about.

She was undoubtedly beautiful, but admittedly she was very civilian. The fact that she had only stepped up her game when his Rival and his beautiful blossom had started being seen together in public without disguise a few weeks ago, after determining that there was no mother in the picture, seemed to have earned her Su-hime's instant dislike.

His goddaughter was not UnYouthful about it, but she didn't bother trying hard to convince Kakashi and himself that she had any liking for the lovely lady. It wasn't helped by the fact that Terada Sana neither picked up on his goddaughter's dislike, nor gave up in her approach of befriending and mothering the girl to impress his best friend.

Terada stood from her seat and moved past them to sit next to Su-hime and Kakashi. She smiled invitingly at his Eternal Rival.

"Good afternoon Hatake-san. I didn't expect you to be here."

Subaru commented something under her breath in their coded language, and Kakashi let out a choked wheeze, before covering her mouth and collecting himself.

"Hello Terada-san, it's good to see you again. Are you on a date?" He didn't eye smile, but nor did he radiate any of the reluctance Gai knew Kakashi was feeling. Personally he would be honoured to hold the attention of such a delicate swan, but unfortunately his Rival held no interest in civilians, and they tended to be overwhelmed by the Roaring Flames of his Youth.

"Oh, no!" She laughed, "whatever gave you that idea? Was it my dress? It's old, I have other better clothes for dates. Thank you though, Hatake-san."

It was to Kakashi's clear suspicion, and Gai's hopeful confusion, that Subaru lit up with a truly adorable and innocent grin when Terada turned to the small child.

"Hello there Subaru-chan," she bent over, and cooed slowly at the girl. Subaru ducked her head shyly, and then waved cutely.

"Good af'ernoon, Terada-san." It wasn't until Subaru spoke to strangers, acting closer to her age, that Gai was reminded how unlike her age she was usually. He words, generally carefully and clearly spoken, albeit with an often strange intonation making her sound like she had an accent, had become lisped and childish sounding.

"So polite! You've raised a very polite and obedient daughter, Hatake-san. Aren't you Subaru-chan? Aren't you just special."

Kakashi laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head, and discreetly removed anything sharp from Su-hime's immediate reach. Even Gai acknowledged the sinking feeling inside. His beautiful blossom could not stand the word obedient when applied to other human beings. Especially herself. He didn't know where it had come from, but the one time she had been scolded by an elderly neighbour for not being more obedient, she had almost snarled at the woman.

To both their surprises, although his friend tried unsuccessfully to tug the sharpened colouring pencils out of his beautiful blossom's gripped hand, the girl didn't show any other sign of her anger. Instead she blushed expertly, and gave a coy smile.

"Me n tou-san wew drawin'!"

"Oh, were you! How sweet, may I see some of your drawings Subaru-chan?"

Su-hime's demeanour lit up in victory, and Kakashi, realising there was something up, failed to prevent the woman from opening the book.

Immediately the smile that Gai- and therefore everyone else- could tell was insincere in preparation for whatever drawings had been done, slid off Sana's face. She flipped through the pages one by one looking more and more disturbed and concerned.

"You say you drew these with your tou-san?" She stammered. His beautiful blossom beamed and nodded.

"Uhuh, dey fwom be'time stawies he read me!"

She glanced up at a bewildered Kakashi, and backed away slightly, "which bed time stories are these?"

"Tou-san fav'rit book." Su-hime held up his Rival's favourite Icha Icha book which he snatched back from her too late, at the sight of which Sana's face turned a purple shade, and she hissed at a wide eyed but resigned Kakashi.

"How dare you! You revolting man! You- you- you- ugh!" She slammed the colouring book down, and stormed away. His goddaughter tilted her head after the woman.

"You know I'm not sure if she was offended by the idea that you read Icha Icha to me, you helped me draw pictures based off of it, or you owned the books at all."

Kakashi face palmed and groaned, "what did you draw." She handed Kakashi the colouring book, and both men leaned over to look. It was an ordinary child's drawing book, with some outlined cartoonish characters and the rest of the page blank, to give the children a starting point.

As they flicked through the book, it became clear that his beautiful blossom had some talent at shading and colouring, and doctoring images with black pen. Each innocent image had been transformed into something undeniably adult; either monstrous, gruesome, perverted or all of them.

"These are very well done Su-hime!" Gai praised loudly. She grinned genuinely up at him.

"Thank you. At least someone has appreciation for my talent."

"I appreciate your talent, Sona," his Eternal Rival pouted, "but did you have to use it to chase away a pretty lady?"

His goddaughter scoffed, "it was that or stab a bitch. Also you can't fool me in this, you had no desire to date her at all. She may be beautiful, but you're only interested in one thing from civilians and she treats sex like it's some scandalous act nobody even mentions until marriage. Face it, you were never getting a look under that skirt, and her fantastic cleavage isn't enough for the payoff of her annoying presence to be worth it."

With that, his (now slightly glittery as well as blue) beautiful blossom climbed onto her feet, with Kakashi's help, and he obligingly reached out to pick her up.

"Our ceasefire is over, my Eternal Rival! My beautiful blossom and I will prevail over your natural talent, with the art of Hard Work and YOUTH!"

He sped away to ensure his friend couldn't get any parting shots at his back, leaving his best friend with the bill.

With all of their tame pranks out of the way before the first lunch, they chose to step it up a notch.

It started with being chased by a hoard of Inuzuka dogs convinced they were dog nip, as Su-hime simultaneously screamed and cackled in his ear, and ended three days later with more building damage than initially predicted, a hoard of angry Kunoichi from Anbu after Kakashi for 'unforgivable perversions', the Hatake bathroom transformed into a pond- fish and ducks and all, all of his beautiful green outfits replaced with grey, a training ground completely ruined with neon yellow paint, thirty children completely hyper and crazy on too much sugar, the Hyuuga mortally offended by an unknown person who had vandalised their compound, some of the Hokage's tobacco leaf and underwear missing, the Nara deer causing a traffic blockage in the middle of town, all of his Eternal Rival's outfits replaced by green spandex and orange leg warmers, Su-hime's hair at least two inches shorter on one side, and half the hopeful female civilians let down by the presence of a thick eyebrow, black contact, mask wearing Su-hime in green spandex who had convinced them she was a love child of Gai and Kakashi through experimentation.

He, Kakashi and their beautiful blossom lay panting on the floor of his apartment, hiding from multiple shinobi of all ranks, and civilians of all classes, who were on a man hunt for the perpetrators of the destruction.

"So," she gasped between pants, "maybe this wasn't the best idea."

"Who won?" He asked the other two.

"I don't know. I lost count after I was too busy trying not to get flattened by Akimichi who thought I'd eaten all their food and then insulted their cooking. I'm banned for life from five of my favourite restaurants," his friend moaned miserably.

"Psh like that'll stop you," Su-hime limply dismisses his concern with a wave of her hand, "if anyone asks, we've spent all three days in Gai's apartment having a prolonged birthday celebration. We know nothing."

Everyone agreed for the sake of self preservation.

* * *

It was less than a day later, during which Kakashi efficiently tidied his bathroom out, Gai swapped their wardrobes around, and after a picture for posterity, his beautiful blossom reluctantly allowed herself to be dragged out of her outfit by an insistent Kakashi, that he found himself in the park, with balloons tied to a bench, flowers on top of it, and party food spread out.

Gai had wanted to find more children to invite, so that Su-hime might have some friends around her own age, but for reasons he wouldn't elaborate on, his best friend had nixed the idea (as well as the live band, the entertainer, the bouncy castle, the hoard of gifts, the kittens, and the pony).

They had each stuck to three gifts for the beautiful blossom, and Gai had been warned by Kakashi that she had something important to tell him before the evening was over.

His Eternal Rival approached carrying a sleepy Su-hime, who had needed a nap that day- as she still occasionally did in the afternoon. She rubbed her eye, and when she saw what was waiting for her he felt rewarded for his efforts at seeing her face brighten and a delightful laugh escape her.

They ate far too much, and Gai was warmed to see their beautiful blossom look emotional at times as she contentedly watched Kakashi and Gai talk. He could clearly compare the despondent, withdrawn, unemotional girl of a year ago, to the smiling, vibrant and caring person in front of him. He knew when he held the pictures of those two people up next to each other in one he would see a pale, dull eyed, sallow, and hollow faced waif in one, and a pink cheeked (perhaps closer to purple with her still stained skin), beaming, bright eyed blossom in the other.

He knew, when he had first come to know her, that she was more like her father than perhaps either of them realised. They liked to be quiet and removed, observing more than partaking, using their jokes and their humour to keep people at a distance rather that to pull people in close. He also knew that they needed the opposite of what they would ask for with their actions. They needed someone to unrelentingly knock down their barriers with Youth, in order to ignite their own flames. They needed people's springtime flames to keep light their own, or they got lost in darkness.

He was gratified, looking at the duo, to see how good they were for each other. They kept each other's flames of Youth lit now, and he was glad.

As the evening wore on, and the small intimate party wound down, they tidied up and made their way back to Gai's apartment. There, it was clear from the look of anxious anticipation on his goddaughter's face, as she fiddled with her fingers, that she was about to impart her thing of importance to him.

A look at his Rival revealed him to be unusually serious, and although his posture was relaxed, he clearly found what she was about to say to be as significant as she did.

She cleared her throat, and nervously darted glances at him as she spoke, "so DFB told me that I have an unusually complex brain development because of circumstances of my birth. When he first got me, he knew I wasn't going to be like other children. This can explain why I can already talk as well as I do, and I can write, although I still need practice at it. But it explains... you know... other things about my behaviour."

Gai nodded, saying nothing when it was evident she wasn't finished.

"But the truth is, as far as I- as far as we can tell, the only thing it's really done for me is to speed up the rate at which I can learn and how easily I remember things, if I concentrate. I learnt to speak quickly and I'm learning to write quickly too, but everything else was already in my head. I didn't learn it."

She took a deep breath, and met his eyes, "what I'm trying, and sort of failing, to tell you, is that I was born with a full set of memories of another life. From the age of two till just before I turned twenty. A life from another world."

Gai blinked twice as he wrapped his head around this, before he asked, "and your mind is okay? Your brain is not any larger than average from what I see, do you experience headaches or pain of any sort?"

Su-hime released a breath that was half laugh half choked sob, "no. No I don't feel any pain from it. From what we guessed, either the complex development of my brain allowed a blank slate for my memories to go, or I was already... _there_ and the brain was forced to grow differently to account for that. So you're not angry? Or... I don't know. I lied to you and I want make sure we're okay."

Gai grinned a hugely at her in comfort, "you didn't lie to me my beautiful blossom! I knew there were circumstances behind your birth that were unusual, and so I knew there was an explanation behind your behaviour. I didn't expect the one given, but I'm not too surprised. I assume my Youthful Rival has known for a while."

"He's known for some months now."

"I see, I am pleased that your Flames of your Youth still burn brightly together! It is inspiring to see!"

He had been present for both of them during strained times, and he was happy that they had prevailed. They were very good for each other. His goddaughter gave Kakashi what Gai hadn't been able to, and vice versa. The fact that as a side effect of this, Gai and Kakashi had become closer friends, and he had gained his cute little Su-hime was just a wonderful bonus.

Su-hime smiled at him for a moment, before she rubbed the back of her head, looking exactly like his Eternal Rival as she did, "right, I suppose that slightly underwhelming but excellent conclusion of the conversation is over. So...present time?"

"Maa, presents are supposed to be opened after the party, Sona," Kakashi informed, however nonetheless he unsealed a scroll and held the six gifts in his hands.

"But the party is over?"

"Aa, but it should be after the guests have left." She frowned, confused.

"We didn't have any guests."

His friend sighed, "I mean Gai." Su-hime rolled her eyes at him.

"Gai isn't a guest, asshole. He's family. And this is as good as home. I don't see why I have to wait."

At that, he felt emotion well up, and tears spilled over, he just before he opened his mouth to belt out his feelings and appreciation for his family, he heard his beautiful blossom say to a retreating Kakashi.

"No! You are not leaving me here to deal with that! You bastard!"

* * *

 _I don't know if you noticed, but the vast majority of English that Gai understands is to do with sex and swearwords. Haha_

 _I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but as always the point is to write it up, sometimes remove obvious spelling or grammar mistakes, and post it without thinking too hard._

 _I'm not well at the moment, so it may be tomorrow or it may be a couple of days before the next chap, it depends on my health._


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Okay! Feeling a bit better today so I got this chap out. This one is mostly focussed on Sonaru's past, and I know a lot of you aren't interested in that, so I'm sorry if you find this chapter uninteresting. But she's gotta get her shit out to be able to bond with the pack without it getting in the way

Also it's a two part chapter, because this one got too long. I think it's kind of important character development wise, because this was one of the key things that happened to her that essentially stripped her of her innocence and explains some reactions that may happen from her later on down the line.

Most looks at her past that will go into this sort of depth are the things that traumatised her and she needs to get off her chest, so it doesn't dominate her new life.

I hope you find reading this as emotional as I found writing it! Although probably not, because I'm premenstrual and it made me tear up.

Pretty much completely unedited, sorry for mistakes.

Thank you so much for reviews, favs and favourites! Let me know what works or what doesn't work for you, as well as prompts going forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 21 - The Dog Days Are Over: Part 1 - Victim**

When I was nine years old, dad bought dogs. Two of them, named after Börte and Jochi Khan, the wife of Genghis Khan and one of their children. I didn't have the words for it at the time, but I had the distinct impression that their names were pretentious as fuck. They were shar pei dogs, and when I was shown a picture of their breed I was extremely not impressed.

But in the space of a year, after my entire life of dad saying he would never buy us pets, he had allowed me two rabbits and my sisters two gerbils each, so we all figured that if dad wanted two dogs for himself he could buy them.

Despite initial reluctance and doubt from me- I liked cute fluffy animals, not wrinkly overbred things- my dad and siblings' excitement caught me up in it. We told mother the next weekend we saw her, and we were disappointed that she couldn't even find a bit of excitement in herself for us.

By that point we had been living with him for five years, and I barely remembered life before. It felt like all I knew was dad deriding and bad mouthing mother, and mother deriding and bad mouthing dad. I may have been far more convinced by mother's arguments, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear how much she hated him all the goddam time, even when something was going right in our lives for once. After all, she was supposed to be better than him.

We resented her for trying to put a dampener on something as simple and easy to look forward to as getting dogs. She forbodingly gave us three months of happiness before it all went downhill just like everything dad touched did.

* * *

It was a week after my birthday, and Gai had accidentally let slip that he had intended to get me a kitten, but DFB had told him not to. I hadn't been able to prevent myself from whining about it- I really wanted that kitten. I loved cats. In my last life I had had three acceptable paths for the future; finding a platonic life partner with whom to share parenthood with, go it single and find some excellent DNA to contribute toward my kids, or become a cat lady. All of them had been equally as desirable for me.

DFB put up with my day of whining with great aplomb, really; he let me dangle off his upper arm as I complained, and zipped me into his flak jacket so that my head popped out the top and he could use both hands as I cajoled, he held my hand during the tough bits of our walk and said nothing as I persuaded, and pretended we were having another conversation entirely when I sat on a cloth on the countertop and handed him utensils while he cooked as I whinged.

As we lay in bed that evening and I interrupted my conversation flow multiple times to ask for a kitten, he finally sighed and reminded me, "Sona, I know I haven't introduced you to them yet, but I do have dogs"

I paused, suddenly remembering that that was a thing. "Oh... well why didn't you say so earlier, bastard?"

"Maa I wanted to see how good your bargaining and haggling skills are."

I gave that some thought, "huh, that makes sense I guess. How did I do?"

"Well, I have to say they're better than I thought they'd be. Which is to say not good at all."

I sat up, "hey! I'll have you know my skills there are absolutely at seventy percent! I'm just no good at it with family. If I pull out all the stops I feel manipulative."

DFB chuckled and placed a calming hand on my head- which was slightly impressive considering it was pitch black, "they're excellent for an untrained civilian. In shinobi terms you're better than most Genin at least, but you've got some way to go before you can stand up to the arguing power of the other Kage."

"Woah, woah, who said anything about arguing with Kage? No thank you. I have no intention of ever placing myself in that position."

He gave me a patronising pat on the head, which for some reason made me laugh, "you're fooling yourself if you think your self preservation instincts will beat your overprotectiveness. I know you better than that."

His voice sounded both pained and completely fond. I was mostly just confused.

"What's that got to do with anything? Also I am not overprotective, I'm perfectly justified in my protective proclivities."

"I'm currently next in line to be Hokage, did you know? Unofficially. The moment I succumb to politics and pressure and accept officially, the Hokage will step down and I'll have to step up."

"No I didn't know that exactly, but I'm not surprised. Still, so what? Everyone knows you're kickass, and you can mentally run circles around pretty much everyone else in conversation. You'll do great. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if you became the first Kage to find a way to minimise the paperwork load."

The moment DFB mentioned his future as Hokage I had a vague idea of where he was going with that point. It was just a consequence of being the child of a Kage that I hadn't considered before; unless I completely distanced myself from it in every way I could, eyes would be on me the moment DFB took the hat. They'd compare me to him, and judge my skills next to him. I'd be shoved up to the front stage of shinobi politics whether I was ready or not. I would be considered his weak point for attack, or manipulation, or I could be considered a testament to the Hatake reputation.

I knew which one I would be aiming for, and DFB knew me well enough to see that before I had. I considered Sarutobi Asuma's notoriously patchy relationship with the current Hokage, and realised that if DFB took the hat, I could either step back and let him get on with his job, removing my influence in his life so that he didn't feel divided between family and work, or I could find a way to step up with him. All of which of course had already gone through DFBs head.

I pursued my lips unhappily as I thought of any job requirement besides a long term mission taking DFB away from me, of him stuck behind a desk away from the people and the action.

"I like paperwork," I grumpily admitted.

"Hm?"

"Shut up, you know exactly what I mean. I like paperwork. Not all day everyday. Just... sometimes. I like to find patterns in reports, and learn about an infrastructure and the hidden nuggets of information. I like organising something much larger than myself through the systematic but simple task of going through paperwork. I like the precise but subtextual information that can be put across through exact choosing of words. I used to help my family word things in formal letters and emails and any sort of situation, whether it was court cases, or formal complaints, or... well, loads of different situations."

There was a moment of silence in which I tried not to flush with embarrassment at the boring thing I had admitted to enjoying, and my completely unsubtle offer, before two hands wrapped around my middle and I squawked in surprise as I was tugged back against DFB.

A cheek rubbed itself against the top of my fluffy head, as DFB cooed, "my Su-chan is so cute! So generous of my chibi Sona to offer her amazing paperwork talents. So loyal. So kind hearted. So thoughtful."

Before I could say anything, suddenly the fingers by my sides went from restraining to attacking, and I screeched and thrashed as I futilely tried to escape his evil tickling, unable to help the laughter that gasped its way out of my chest.

"YOU BASTARD LET ME GOOO! NOO! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE MYSELF! YOU'RE SUCH A WANKER!"

* * *

I was on DFB's shoulders the next day, from being picked up after lunch with Gai, my head resting in his pillowy hair as I was making little plaits in it, when we stopped outside the front door. My head shot up.

"Wait. Something's not right."

He paused as reached for the door handle, "what's wrong?"

My face creased thoughtfully, and I nibbled the inside of my lip as I tried to identify what was different, "I don't know. Something's not the same though. I... I think someone's inside."

I didn't need to see his face to hear the eye smile as he spoke, "well done. You've got good instincts, Sona."

I relaxed once I was sure DFB knew what was going on, and wasn't bothered, curious as to who was waiting. He opened the door and stepped inside, as my eyes swept the living room. It barely took a fraction of a second for me to identify the eight forms lounging on the floor ( _I don't want to do this_ ). They perked up the moment DFB stepped into the room and all sat up to face us ( _I want to leave_ ).

They were all a lot bigger ( _intimidating_ ) than I thought they would be. The only one I was larger than was Pakkun, and it wasn't by much. I peeked through the thick spikes of DFB's hair and didn't say anything ( _I don't like this_ ).

"Sona, these are my ninken. I've trained with them for many years, and I consider them a part of the Hatake family. The smallest dog is Pakkun, the large one Pakkun is sitting on is Bull, the one with the thick whiskers and dark ears is Guruko, Shiba is the one next to him with the dark mohawk, the dog with bandages on his head is Ūhei, Akino is the dog with sunglasses, Bisuke is the one with dark paws and kanji on his head, and finally Urushi is the blonde one with the mean expression - don't worry it's just his resting face. Pack this is... Subaru. She's the little one you've been nagging me about since you first smelt her on me."

He reached behind him and lifted me from his shoulders to place me on the floor. I still couldn't find anything to say, and there was an awkward moment in which nobody did anything.

"I didn't know they came that small," the unexpectedly deep voice came from Pakkun. I knew theoretically that they could talk, but it was another thing entirely to see it with my own eyes. Oddly enough the strangest thing wasn't hearing words come from a dog's mouth, but seeing the bizarre way they had to move their lips (were they lips?) in order to do so. It was a little unreal.

I felt tense and almost overwhelmed with my discomfort, and said nothing when DFB bent down, took hold of my hands above my head, and walked me forward one reluctant step at a time.

"She smells stressed, Kakashi," one of them said as we approached, I didn't notice which one.

"Sona? You're quieter than usual."

I forced a small reassuring smile on my face, "I'm fine. I'm just a little overwhelmed."

I could tell I didn't fool DFB for a moment, but he let it go. One by one I was introduced properly to DFB's talking dog pack. I let each one snuffle at my palms and surround me, but beyond the occasional quick pat on the head, I didn't touch them if I could help it.

Outwardly he didn't show any sign of it, but I could tell DFB was watching me. DFB sat on the floor amongst the pack as the day wore on, but I remained on the sofa apart from them. I was far more comfortable watching them lounge around together and interacting, I liked seeing him so relaxed with other beings beyond me and Gai. But I also did my best to keep the attention off myself, and avoided looking at the ninken when one of them noticed me.

Around dinner time, they finally left, and there was a weighted quiet left behind while he cooked. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed in me, or had already come to his own conclusions about why I acted the standoffish way I did. I knew I would have to tell him, but the thought of revisiting those memories made my stomach churn.

I read far too much into every moment of not talking, and my stress levels rose. I wondered if the fact that he didn't ask for my help in the small ways he usually did meant he was pissed off at me. Had I made him look bad in front of his pack by not being more polite? As the wait dragged onward, my blood prickled underneath my skin, and my anxiety got worse. I was imagining scenarios in which I was scolded for being so rude, for leaving such a bad first impression, for disappointing the pack, and DFB. I wondered if he would care about my reasons, after all I was bound to have worse memories when I was older as a shinobi and I would have to keep it together regardless when I was triggered.

DFB had lived through so much suffering already, maybe mine would seem poxy and ridiculous compared to him. Maybe he would just tell me to get over it. Part of me was reminding the rest that he wasn't like that- these what ifs were sounding far more like my dad than DFB, but once the fear had occurred to me I couldn't let it go.

I worked myself up and mentally pulled away from reality as I always did when I was highly worried about something. I didn't notice the time passing, and was therefore shocked out of my thoughts by DFB's hands around my torso. He lifted me up, and I stiffened, until he carried me to the table and sat down, with me in his lap.

Usually at home I sat next to him, and so to be placed on his legs, with a gentle hand on my hair was a comfort. Letting out a relieved sigh, I sank back into his supportive heat, feeling tired from all of my unnecessary stressing.

"What's got you so upset, Sona?"

My lips twitched into a self deprecating smile, "I didn't make the best first impression on the pack."

He ruffled my hair, "they could tell something was bothering you. Don't worry about it."

Dinner was a quiet but relaxed affair, with DFB feeding me without prompting, as he sometimes did when I was feeling anxious- which was an immediate destroyer of my appetite.

When Gai wasn't around and it was just us, I loved the fact that we could be comfortably silent together. I hadn't had that relationship with anyone else apart from Caspian- it was only with him that I understood the idea that silence could speak a thousand words. I was glad to have that with DFB too. There was no pressure to talk, and no pressure not to. I think he too appreciated the fact that I was more than happy to spend time lazing against him and snoozing as I listened to his heartbeat, while he quietly did his own thing.

As with most things that made me feel unhappy about my past, DFB let me bring it up in my own time, rather than pushing me to talk about it. I pondered on the issue myself, having done my best not to think about it more than I had to as I got older, poking at the difficult memories to see how much there actually was that still affected me.

The familiar feelings of guilt, nausea, grief, shame, rage and horror echoed from the emotions, and I quickly left it be once more, not willing to face them alone.

I waited until we were half lying on the sofa, with DFB absently scratching at my scalp- a habit I was certain he had picked up from having his summons, and something that felt absolutely heavenly. I sank into the melty feeling it gave me each time, and finally allowed it to loosen my lips.

"The first time I ever got up close and personal with a dog, I was this tiny little thing, and it jumped up on me. As it knocked me over it peed on me. I was so embarrassed I didn't say anything, and all of the adults around me were too high to notice. I sat there for hours as it got cold, covered in dog pee. My experience with dogs didn't get much better from there."

Wry humour suffused my voice as I spoke of that memory, and I felt DFB suppress his chuckles in his chest. I rolled my eyes and snorted.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, tosspot. Before we got dogs when I was nine, they had always been these cute fluffy things, with good or not so good temperaments which I could hug and pat and pay attention to, and sometimes take for a walk, but always give back to its owner," my tone became a little more melancholy as I slipped into the memories of my childhood.

"I liked dogs a lot. I wanted one or two when I grew up, something soft, and family friendly. And preferably a family member who could pick up its shit because I didn't want to. We called our two dogs Bo and Jo, and I had a bit of a love disgust relationship with them to be honest. Dad bought them because he wanted guard dogs. He thought Shar peis could be intimidating enough, I guess. They were fully grown when he got them and had been raised in the city. They needed owners who had time to take them for long walks and the current ones couldn't do that.

"Shar peis had these big wrinkles around their faces and on their bodies. Bo was black and had been overbred for them, and she had trouble seeing sometimes. She wheezed when she breathed through her nose and made the funniest most horrendous noises with her mouth when she yawned. She also smelt bad, because she had really sensitive skin and the dead skin in between her wrinkles got stuck and just smelled horrible, so she had to be washed once a week.

"Also she had wrinkles inside her ear canals where loads of stinky black wax would get stuck, and dad had to clear them out twice a month. I thought all of these things were absolutely disgusting. Her fur wasn't even soft either and both of them made my school uniform hairy and kinda smelly, and to be honest a lot of me just thought the whole experience was a massive let down. But... at the same time there's something so simple and uncomplicated and unwaveringly affectionate about dogs.

"Despite myself, I found myself loving them. Taking them for walks was a chore, but it was also time I could spend with my sisters, when they weren't completely focussed on their computers and video games. I liked feeding them all sorts of different mixtures of dog food to see which they liked best, and playing games with them. I got to know them as real characters that were completely silly. Jo was a ginger blonde- he was smart and kinda cute, and sweet, and gentle and well meaning all the time, and Bo was just a giant clutz who always made mistakes, and always broke the rules, and could sometimes be a bit aggressive and a bit stupid, but was really funny.

"I was always resentful that having dogs meant that I couldn't run around in our garden anymore in bare feet and I always felt a little sick when I found dog crap on the ground out there. But they could be so patient, and they didn't mind me dressing them up in fedoras and sun glasses, and feather boas, and loose neck ties to take pictures.

"But they had been brought up in the city, and their owners had encouraged them to chase cats off the property. We didn't have cats around. We had sheep, and cows and pigs. They went for them anyway- Bo in particular- which was fine at first because they were too slow to catch them, and the cows would headbutt Bo even though it didn't put her off for more than a few seconds. As long as the farmers didn't see the dogs harassing their livestock- because almost all the land was owned by three brothers who co owned the house we lived in.

"I can't remember what they did, but three months in Bo and Jo broke the rules bad enough to make dad angry. He punched Jo in the face and dangled him in the air from a choke chain over and over again, and kicked Bo in the side as he held her tight on the chain. We all cried, but we were too scared to do anything in case he lashed out at us, so we were forced to stand there and watch.

"He locked them in the shed for two days without food or water. I remember the whole time, the sounds they made were so horrible, and unlike with people they didn't understand when dad shouted at them to shut up as he was beating them. They didn't understand anything. We snuck them food and water through the gaps in the bent metal door of the shed, but we couldn't open it because it made too much noise.

"Over the next six months, we realised that because they couldn't tell anyone, and after each time they would loyally come back to dad for love and attention, he felt free to hurt them. Somehow it was more difficult than being made to watch him hurt my siblings, because there was this uncomplicated innocence to them to that I hadn't seen anywhere, and this unconditional loyalty. I knew animals weren't like people, they needed to be trained properly it was as simple as that, and the fact that each time they would make the same mistakes that he beat them for meant it was really obvious that he wasn't training them at all, he was just causing them pain because he could.

"Caspian and Rue normalised it after a while. That's what they always did. If something hurt them emotionally and it kept happening, they normalised it, and pretended it wasn't happening or spoke casually about it when they had to. I... couldn't. It was just as horrible to watch every time for me and I felt more and more helpless with each occasion.

"Almost a year after we first got them, there had never been an incident as extreme as the first. It was just me and dad taking them for a walk. We let them off the leash for a while in a field, and after some time we realised we couldn't see either of them. We called for them, and about ten minutes later, just as dad was starting to get mad, Jo showed up. That was okay, but Bo didn't show. We called and called and dad was getting really angry. Then when she finally turned up she had something else's blood streaked across her snout.

"Dad was worried it was one of the farmer's livestock, and that Bo had caught and killed it. He was furious with her. He gave me Jo's leash, and he beat her. He punched her in the head, and kicked her legs out from under her, before dragging her along the ground by her choke chain. He dangled her off of the side of slopes by her chain. When she was down he stamped on her with his full weight over and over again. He took the spare chain he always kept with him in case one broke and whipped her with it. She was breathing so heavily I thought she would have a heart attack. And she _screamed_. It was a long walk home. All the while he wouldn't stop. I realised, at some point, that I couldn't rely on someone older than me to tell me what to do like I always did. I had to make a choice- either I could be the type of person who continued to stand and watch something I loved be hurt so badly, or I could do something about it. I was so scared of him, though. I was scared that if I stepped in he'd do to me what he was doing to her.

"But... I replaced my siblings with Bo, and asked if I valued myself over them. I asked if I valued my own lack of pain over the well-being of the ones I loved. I knew that beating the dogs was a method dad used to make us fear exactly what I feared, without ever having to touch us. I asked myself I was willing to let him win in the mind game he had played. I had always been the bystander- the person forced to watch as my family was hurt, and rarely ever physically harmed myself. I was protected on both sides by my bigger siblings because they knew my body couldn't take dad's violence. I was too small, and too weak.

"I made myself ask to hold Bo's leash. He denied me. I made myself ask twice more, and I could tell he was surprised, but he kept denying me. I couldn't make myself demand anything, though. I considered doing something physical, but I was so tiny compared to dad. I realised at that point, that if I had something on me that was heavy and hard enough to hit him with and put dad down for good, I would use it to protect Bo. I realised I valued her innocent life over his.

"But I scanned the hedges as we walked and I realised there was nothing I could use. I was stuck watching as usual. We were close to home when she started bleeding out of her mouth, she staggered and kept falling, and he would stamp on her until she got up again. I was terrified I would be forced to watch her die. Then she fell down, bleeding onto the road and gasping, and couldn't get up again no matter how much he shouted or kicked her, or dragged her along. I... I couldn't take it.

"He started whipping her, and I couldn't bear to watch anymore. I threw myself over her and held her close to me as I cried. He was so caught up in his fury he didn't even notice at first, and the chain caught me across my back and on my head. It hurt more than anything I'd ever experience before but the idea of her going through that made me sick, and so I didn't move.

"Dad shouted at me and shouted at me, but I just held her and cried until he stopped... I was too late. I'd acted too late, and she bled out on the road while I held her."

By the end of my story, I had buried my face in DFB's chest as I spoke, taking shuddering breaths and crying silently into his shirt. I gripped his clothes desperately, to keep my self grounded, as he held me tight and rubbed my back. He said nothing, sensing I wasn't finished, but surrounded me with his presence to comfort me.

I no longer blamed myself for it. But I couldn't help looking back even now, and asking myself what if. What if I had stepped forward just a bit earlier. What if I had been just a bit more assertive. What if I had just told more people earlier what was going on. What if I had taken the initiative a little younger, before family had to die for it.

"That incident makes me feel ill, to this day. I walked home shaking, sobbing, covered in her blood, my back burning, as dad did something with her body that I can't remember. I can't explain the torment that I felt that day. It haunted me. It's probably nothing compared to what loads of nine year olds have gone through in this world... hell it's probably nothing compared to what many nine year olds went through in my last world. But to some extent it still haunts me. Every interaction with dogs was tainted after that, with her blood, her screams and her death.

"After the sick feeling of guilt and horror settled within in me a little, I felt rage. I felt this low smouldering rage I'd never experienced before, that never died down, and I carried that in me. I wasn't just furious with dad, I felt rage at the people who'd sold their dogs to a man they didn't bother to vet. I felt it at my siblings for crying a little, and never speaking of it again. I felt rage at my dad's friends for doing nothing even when they knew how he treated them- how he treated us. I felt rage at my teachers for hearing what I'd told them and never acting. I was angry at everyone for being the smallest, youngest, least independent person in my family, and yet forced to be the only person willing to _do_ something.

"I was disgusted with them all. So we just had Jo left, and I was determined he was never going to harm Jo again without me doing something. I figured Caspian and Rue might have been too mentally beaten down to say anything, but I wasn't. I became overprotective of Jo, who couldn't understand where Bo had gone and searched for her and howled for her. Dad was spitting mad at me for taking blows meant for Bo, but I wouldn't apologise. I told him if he ever tried to hit Jo, I would take those blows as well, and then show everyone the marks. He laughed at me- unconvincingly, mind- and said no one would believe me or do anything if I told them.

"I said to him that they didn't have to, they just had to believe I'd killed him in self defence, rather than premeditated. After all, who would believe a sweet well behaved little girl like me, without a mar on my record would do something like that in anything but desperation? He looked very disturbed, but he threatened to tell people I was mentally unhinged and giving him death threats. I mocked him, and asked who'd believe him, or do anything if he did?

"We left the conversation at that. I had never bluffed before in my life, and I wasn't even sure if that was one or not. I think he knew that. I was still raging inside, but I stupidly thought everything would be okay afterward. I should have just told everyone then what he'd done, and shown them all the marks from the chain on my back. Things were fine for a couple of months, and then my dad met my step mother, and she brought with her three sons and two dogs who she loved."

I didn't lift my face from DFB's chest, and thick shame smothered me as I thought about what I was going to admit I had done, next.

* * *

 _So this was important because it explains where some of the decisions she'll later make come from. Also it was one of the childhood incidents that unlocks her darker side later in her first life. And led her to make some choices that define her still, as well as I suppose inadvertently lead her to the place she died in._

 _Sorry again if you were completely uninterested in her past, because I know that is primarily the focus of this chapter._


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This is the second part, also super past heavy. Also kind of important in terms of character development. This will probably be the last chapter in a little while that will be so past heavy. There are some more to come defintily, but none off the top of my head that are relavent soon.

Most mentions will be somewhere between 100 and 500 word themed summaries at the beginning or end of a chapter like this one and the last one has. All of these things unless stated otherwise, DFB will already have the gist of.

Unedited ramble one more.

Also English spoken is underlined as usual.

Thank you so much for your awesome reviews, as well as anyone who faved or followed! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work so well for you, as well as prompts going forward.

* * *

 **Chapter 21 - The Dog Days Are Over: Part 2 - Perpetrator**

I could admit to myself without embarrassment or discomfort that emotionally I was my dad's replacement wife as I grew up, during childhood. I didn't see it like that at the time. I just knew that dad relied on me emotionally in a way he didn't with my sisters.

He would tell me unhesitatingly that I was his favourite child- I disapproved, but I also secretly liked it. He was the most open with me verbally. His lies worked less on me and so he tried to lie less, he respected me for the criticism I gave him, the leeway I wouldn't let him have, and he loved the way I was into poetry and writing like Mother was.

He could allow himself to be more feminine with me, softer, more affectionate, more doubtful of himself, more intellectual. He ran through girlfriends like I did book series, and with each one I was a part of the bait he used to hook them. These young hopeful women saw a 'bad boy' covered in tattoos who lived slightly on the wild side of life, and when they met me they saw a man of responsibility and maturity. When he doted on me they melted.

I played my part unquestioningly; smart, sweet, polite, small, adorable, smiley. Behind my smiles I watched them with contempt, knowing they would run screaming the moment they got a good look at the real man.

And then my step mother showed up. She was the first to be university educated out of his interests. She had an ex husband, three boys about my siblings' ages, she was cold, with a politically incorrect sense of humour, and worked as a secondary school teacher. She put a very respectable face on amoral.

She was far better at mind games than I was at the time. Before my eyes she emotionally and mentally leashed him. In me she saw a threat I had tried desperately not to show myself as, to dad's various romantic interests. She was jealous of me, although I didn't know it at the time. While I was too busy trying to wrap my head around the fact that she was here to stay, she was bringing the world I knew down around my ears.

For the first time in my life with the games I had learned to play, I had a losing hand. Dad had a real wife, and he didn't need me anymore.

* * *

I peeked dully through my eyes at the blurry, dim view of DFB's dark blue shirt, as I thought of the next part of my story. Biting my upper lip, I reminded myself that this wasn't my old life, where I was surrounded by privilege and people who's exposure to violence was generally a few drunken scuffles, or the occasional lashing out as a teenager. This was DFB, who's mistakes and anger filled behaviour had led to people dying. He wouldn't judge me for my missteps. The thought was helped by his soft but firm, consistent rubbing up and down my back. His other arm supported my butt so that I could reach higher on his chest and I didn't have to worry about speaking up for him to hear me.

I breathed out slow, with a few hitches in my breath, as he waited for me to continue patiently.

"My step mother had years of practice at winning arguments against feisty, angry, smart teenagers. I didn't anticipate how practiced she'd be at using her words against me. Everything was fine at first, just like with the dogs I allowed my scepticism and doubt to be washed away by my Dad and siblings' excitement for a new family. I got along best with their eldest son, who was thrilled at the idea of having a little sister.

"They married shortly before my eleventh birthday, and we moved in to her house while dad renovated the new one. I had to share a room with Rue. She was... going through a really difficult time, and it was hell for me. She was angry, bitter, and had the sharpest tongue I've ever seen in someone. She consistently only took it out on me, because she was jealous that I seemed to have it so easy compared to her. No matter what I tried it didn't work, and more than once in the six months before we moved into the new house, I had to leave the house in tears.

"She had become a bully when she hit puberty, and I was her easiest victim. She was having such a tough time with it all, I tried to be patient and understanding. But that only lasted so long. I discovered that the eldest son, Jack, had anger issues, and didn't know how to handle someone as small and... fragile, I guess, as I was. He didn't know how to spend time with me without hurting me, and then he'd get angry and call me names when I was upset. I got used having bruises.

"The middle son, Michael, had a cutting and sarcastic sense of humour I didn't understand- he used it to be judgemental of other people's lifestyles, opinions and choices. I had a thin skin to people teasing me, thanks to my only exposure being Rue. I experienced it as mean, not funny, and felt ostracised when people laughed. I avoided him mostly.

"The youngest, Fenn, was a real charmer. He always seemed to know the right thing to say, how to tease without it hurting anyone, he was gentle and showed an appreciation for my writing, drawing pieces of art to accompany it. He was sort of like a haven during those times. But he still didn't understand. He fit into the new family, he was confident of his place. He and Michael were nine months apart, close as anything, and everyone called them twins.

"Caspian laid low, just trying to get through the last two years of school, have a social life, get a job, and play video games. Dad was busy getting up at 5 o clock in the morning, and coming home at 7 at night, working his first full time job. He was mostly exhausted, and handed over the running of the family to Anne- my step mother.

"I was teased for the way I spoke, the way I ate, the things I was interested in, the things I liked to talk about, my little habits, how long I took to wash, the sort of television I liked to watch, the words I spoke. She called me 'the lesbian'. I don't know where she had gotten the idea from, considering I had never shown an interest in anyone, and wasn't particularly masculine.

"The others, apart from Caspian, dad, and Fenn, called me Rat. She locked Jo out of the house on account of him being too big and unpleasant to look at, and allowed her hyper, skinny, short haired, slightly bony Jack Russell on the table after dinner to lick the plates clean. Rat used be the dog's - Mandy's- nickname. They decided it suited me better.

"Mandy was hyper, and annoying. She was fairly young, and misbehaved all the time. They would throw her at me in the mornings to wake me up because they knew I didn't like her. She was allowed on my bed despite it being against the rules in the rest of the house. They laughed at how rough she was with Jo because she was so small. They made her my responsibility because she was the smallest dog and I was the smallest person.

"When she barked and wouldn't stop it was my job to get her to stop. It was my job to walk her. I was told to walk her apart from everyone else and take a different route at a different time. They thought she was cute and sweet, and let her get away with everything. Then one weekend Anne told us she was selling Jo because she didn't want a big dog. The other dog, Ben, was too old to do much more than sit in his dog basket.

"I felt heartbroken on one hand, but on the other hand I told myself that Jo would be safe. I felt so isolated. The rage I had built with no where to go. I got into one argument with Anne, and dad came to my room that evening looking like he was going to kill me. I didn't dare do so again. Everything I said was twisted by her, when she repeated it to the others it would inevitably offend someone. She didn't technically lie, but she always misrepresented me in conversation.

"I started to hate Mandy. She never stopped being annoying, and whenever something went wrong with her I got the blame. I got back from a rugby match late one evening, and I was told off terribly for having made Mandy wait to go for a walk. I defended myself, that they all knew I would be back late, and anyone could have walked her. I can't remember how the rest of the conversation went, but I remember it hurt. I was so angry, I felt my rage boiling up and over.

"I'd never hated anything before. But I looked at hyper, annoying, misbehaving Mandy who everyone doted on- but Anne the most- and I despised that dog to an overwhelming extent. I felt so powerless, alone, hurt and unloved. I walked Mandy in the dark, wanting to hurt something like I never had before, and then Mandy walked in between my legs- she had a habit of tripping me up- and tangled the leash. It yanked on her a bit and she turned around and nipped my ankle.

"It caught my skin in between her teeth, and that was the last straw for me. Suddenly I wanted her to be so desperate to leave me alone that they would take the responsibility of her from me. It was like this haze draped over my thoughts, and I kicked her. She yelped, but it didn't put her off much, and somehow that made me more angry. I had learned from the best, and I used that knowledge to hurt her.

"I punched her in the head, and kicked in her the side, she didn't wear a choke chain, but I used her collar to strangle her and drag her about. Even then, I was restrained. She was small and I didn't want to do permanent damage to her, I didn't want to leave a mark for proof against me.

"She went quiet for once, and still. She ducked low and shivered and cowered. It wasn't enough for me, and I kept on doing it. I had months of built up emotion, and I took it all out on that little dog, who was treated better than I was, and seemed to rub it in with everything she did.

"Even then, my hatred didn't go down. I was so angry. I dragged her along onto a wall she had a habit of going up on during walks and everyone knew it, but had a sheer drop down the other side about fifty or so metres. I looked at her, pathetic and scared for the first time in her life, and I remembered how desolate I had felt, knowing dad had killed Bo, and feeling like it was my fault.

"Mandy was Anne's little baby, and I imagined the look on her face, how she'd feel if I came home and told her that Mandy had fallen off the wall and died. She'd know the truth, just like I knew the truth whenever she completely misrepresented me, but just like me she'd have no proof. She'd know she placed Mandy in my hands to punish me, and in turn I took Mandy from her.

"She'd know it was her fault, and that I had killed something she loved. I wanted to. So badly. I wanted to kill that dog. At the time it felt like I had never wanted anything as much. So I took a step forward, and I looked with complete disgust and hatred at Mandy. And then I pushed her over the edge.

"Mandy squeaked and scrambled at the rock but she went over regardless. She made these horrible squealing noises as she did, and in that moment I felt this awful sick sinking feeling, as well as triumph. Then the end of Mandy's long leash got stuck in between two loose rocks, and she dangled there in her harness. The whole time she'd been mostly quiet, but as she hung there, she screamed.

"She sounded so terrified. All of a sudden this wave of regret hit me, and I frantically scrambled for the leash before it came loose. I carefully lifted Mandy from where she was hanging over the edge trying not pull too hard in case she came free from her harness, and when I had her in my arms, I collapsed against the wall in that thin creviced pathway.

"She was so... happy to be saved. After she shivered in my arms for a few minutes, she began wagging her tail and licking my face. Holding what I'd done against me didn't even occur to her. I realised then, how innocent she was. I realised I was my father's daughter in so many more ways than I knew. I realised I had this... anger inside me that was violent, and I liked the feeling making something cower and quiver on the ground by my feet gave me, just like him.

"I knew I was capable of being no better than him. I saw what I'd done to Mandy, and I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears. I felt so guilty and ashamed. I'd tried to kill her, and here she was in my arms giving me uncomplicated affection. I cried for how lonely I felt, and how miserable I was. I cried for my childhood that I knew was over. I cried for my dead relationship with my dad, and my dying relationship with Rue.

"I was still so angry, but I was so much more than that too. I took Mandy home and didn't tell anyone there what I'd done. Anne knew I had done something at some point anyway, because for a month after that, whenever I caught Mandy misbehaving, or she did something to annoy me, she would cower and shiver until I reassured her. She refused to jump on my bed anymore because she knew I didn't like it, and she tried harder and more consistently with me for affection than anyone else.

"If I wanted her to do one thing and someone else wanted to do another, she would listen to me. In the end, Anne knew I had tormented her when she wasn't looking, and that was the result of it. She would look at me with this expression on her face, that said she knew, and I would look back silently asking for proof that she would never have. Despite the shame and guilt I felt for what I had done, I still felt triumph that I had gotten back at Anne and she knew it.

"Anne left Mandy and Ben with her parents to live with them, a few months after that. Eventually I drummed up the courage to tell Mother what I'd done. After I finished telling her I threw up down the toilet. She said she wasn't surprised I had been pushed to that point, and made me promise not to ever hurt animals again out of anger or hatred. I did, and she took me to a friend of hers who had horses, so that I could spend time with them and do something good for another living being.

"I never spent time around a dog after that. It was my last proper interaction with one... I know I wouldn't knowingly hurt a dog unless in defence of myself or another. But I still feel so uncomfortable around them now. They're a reminder of a time that brought out my angriest and most volatile side- a part of myself that I desperately try to keep control of by rationalising everything before I act, if I can. Sometimes I look at a dog, and I'm scared that it'll be more aggressive to me than anyone else, because it knows how I treated another. It's not rational, but I just feel... unworthy, to be around them."

By the end of my speech, I felt wrung out and cold emotionally, yet oddly energised. As I was telling my story, and immersing myself in the past, I had felt, as I always did when I recounted it, that familiar rage and bloodlust that had risen in me back then. It heated my blood, and felt like my thoughts sharpened to a blade point. Whenever I cast my mind back on that time, I hadn't ended anything's life, but it didn't stop me from feeling like a killer.

I had realised, shortly after that point, that it wasn't causing the death of another that particularly upset me, it was causing the suffering. I didn't like causing other people or beings unnecessary pain, especially fuelled by my own emotions. It wasn't feeling like a killer that bothered me, it was the abuse I had inflicted before I had tried to murder Mandy. That wasn't the sort of person I wanted to be. That was too much like dad. I didn't want to be like dad.

That sort of violence was impulsive, and messy and irrational. It was the sort that got people caught. I had surprisingly few compunctions about murder, when I sat down afterwards and had a good look at myself. But I didn't like losing control. There was little that was rational about animal abuse, to me. The only positive thing I had taken away from it was that the small amount of rational control I had managed to hold onto during that experience chose to aim for Anne's loss of power, through unspoken knowing of what I had done, by using what she had given me- I could use that as a small trump card for bargaining power if I needed. I had succeeded.

I wanted more of that, if I was going to hurt other people. I wanted it to be methodical, and with a clear, defined, logical purpose, so that I knew when to stop. I never wanted to get carried away like that again. I needed to know who I was hurting, how much, why, and what my end goal was. I placed those boundaries around myself carefully, and with Mother's help, and used them as warning flags that something was wrong if I ever stepped over them.

As I got older, I may have done things that other people considered far more immoral than abusing a dog, but to me, that moment was the worst I ever allowed myself to be.

Through it all, DFB's hand never faltered as he rubbed my back. His body posture remained relaxed, and I took a moment to rub my face against his shirt. I realised what I'd done moments afterward and flushed.

"Sorry, I think I may have ruined your shirt," I informed him, embarrassed.

"I have more of them," he assured me gently. He hesitated for a moment, as though considering whether to say something, before he blew out a small breath, "I'm glad you told me this. Everyone's struggles are unique, and they can't be compared. Don't devalue what you experienced because it doesn't sound as bad as someone else's. But also... you've lost everything you knew, and you've spoken about a lot of your life when you were young, but I knew you were missing some bits out. I think it's good for you to speak of them, especially because despite all your loss, today is the first day I have ever seen you cry tears."

I paused, shocked, and thought back through my two years in this world. I realised the last time I had actually let go like this was when I was physically a tiny baby with tear ducts not yet fully developed. I hadn't realised I had been so emotionally blocked up that I hadn't even cried.

I wasn't usually the most weepy of people, but I wasn't ashamed of letting some tears out if something moved me, or truly upset me. I usually cried a handful of times every year, sometimes just because it was cathartic. The fact that I had lost my entire family and hadn't yet shed a tear for them let me know that however far I thought I had come, I still had further to go.

I rested my head against DFB, a little unwilling to let him see my quite likely very ugly post crying face, "I hadn't noticed that."

"Hmm," he dropped the subject, which I was grateful for, and moved on, "so you still feel uncomfortable getting up close with dogs, after all this time?"

"Yeah."

"Would you say it's gotten better over time?"

I frowned a little as I thought, "no... I'd say if anything it's gotten worse."

"Then perhaps the solution isn't avoidance, but immersion."

"You think things will become easier if I spend more time around dogs?"

DFB shrugged, his hand still moving up and down my back, "we can try. It could give you a chance to bond with the pack."

I considered the idea, and figured that maybe more positive memories was what I needed to override the negative, "I can give it a go. As long as I don't have to pick up dog crap."

DFB chuckled, and scritched my scalp, much to my enjoyment, "no the dogs are well trained and well behaved enough that they'll keep their business to themselves, until they're dismissed as summons."

I brightened considerably when I heard that, "well I'm up for it, then."

I shifted my face, and then wrinkled my nose as I landed in a wet patch. Reaching up to wipe the damp feeling off my face, I looked at the pink smear on the hand afterward in confusion.

It blended in almost entirely to his dark blue shirt, but despite the dim light, my eyes unerringly found where I knew the wet patch to be. I placed the fingertips onto it, and swiped down, before lifting them up to see. They were red.

"Um... I think you're bleeding," my voice was heavy with concern.

"Hm?" DFB copied my action and then sniffed the tacky liquid on his fingers. I lifted my face to his, with a confusion filled expression, hoping for an explanation.

For a moment he looked as baffled as I was, and then he looked at me. His eye shot wide, and without a word he picked me up and hurried to the bathroom. The bright lights of the room turned on, he sat me next to the sink, placed his hands on either side of my face and tilted it to the light as he scrutinised me.

I was quiet for a few seconds, before my curiosity took hold, "DFB? What are you doing? Is it... a nose bleed?"

The worry and fear on his face settled into something more complicated.

"It's your eyes. You've been crying blood."

* * *

 _Sorry again for those who don't want to hear about her past, and just want to move on. It was one of the few stories she could tell that was far back enough in the past not to feel so raw, also feels herself to be enough of a victim to not put her in too bad a light,_ _and so she'd feel comfortable with it as an opening tale, whilst_ _still emotional enough to make her cry._

 _Anyways, so what do you think is going on with the crying? Is there any particular past based character that stands out to you as interesting in that? What do you think Kakashi was thinking/feeling while she was telling this story?_


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Ok, another Kakashi pov! Thank you for those who requested that in reviews, I'd completely forgotten when the last time I did one was, and it didn't occur to me until you all reminded me that I sort of left you all hanging in his povs at a turbulent time.

I didn't want to go back over that time in his pov to rehash shit, but I hope I gave a good idea at the sort of relationship they have. I will also do one or two more in his pov after this in which he gets round to a reaction about Sonaru's past.

I hope he comes across as just a bit more emotionally clued up around Sonaru than in the past chapters, because he's had months of practice and help from her to get to a more open point.

I haven't edited this so there are probably some obvious mistakes.

English spoken is all underlined like this

Thank you so much for all reviews, favs and follows! Let me know what works or doesn't work for you, and any prompts for scenes in the future.

* * *

 **Chapter 23 - Baby Mine, Don't You Cry**

The second he got a look at her red streaked face, Kakashi shoved the seething, futile anger into the back of his mind, focussing his whole attention on the issue at hand. He was on hyper alert immediately, swiftly taking Sona to the bathroom where there was better lighting.

Running through the forefront of his thoughts were all of the poisons that manifested in bleeding eyes, and when she could have ingested it. He simultaneously scanned the apartment for any alien chakra presence that might have bypassed his seal alerts.

He tilted her face further into the light, and scanned her eyes for injury, as well as the rest of her face for any other symptoms of poisoning. To his frustration, some of the facial swelling and bloodshot eyes that he would be looking for had occurred potentially due to crying. He saw no identifiable injury to Sona's eyes, and there was no alarming amount of swelling.

He saw her breathe in and out without restriction, as well as the lack of continued ocular bleeding. No presence made itself known within the apartment, and Sona showed no signs of distress.

"DFB? What are you doing?" Her almost unconcerned tone served as a harsh contrast to the fear that gripped him at the idea of her dying on him.

Her body was so small still, all it would take was a tiny amount to kill her quickly. Yet there were no further symptoms, and beyond the sticky streaks across her face, there were no further signs of the bloody tears she had still been leaking when she had faced him in the living room.

"Is it... a nose bleed?"

There was no pain in her voice, and when he rested a finger over her pulse, it beat at a normal pace without struggle. A flash of suspicion crossed his thoughts but he pushed it to the side until he had further proof.

"It's your eyes," he told her, doing his best to keep his voice even so as not to alarm her, "you've been crying blood."

It was only his skill as a Jōnin that allowed to him to spot the multiple emotions combatting each other on her face, as she registered this information, before it settled again. She puckered her lips slightly and tilted her head, as her eyebrows drew up.

"Well..." she sounded almost blasé, "that's not good."

The complete understatement had him shooting an incredulous look at her. She squinted her eyes at him with mild confusion.

"Or... is it? Is this good?"

"No, Sona. Bleeding from your eyes is not good!" He resisted the urge to face palm.

"Well I don't know! I'm not the chakra magic shinobi expert here, am I?" She defended.

He narrowed his eyes, "I know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me by being ridiculous." She scoffed at him.

"I'm not trying to distract you, I'm just trying to make you stop looking at me like I'm about to keel over dead."

"I don't think you've been poisoned, but it could have been caused by any number of things. I'm taking you to the hospital regardless."

She sighed, resigned, "fair enough, I guess. Although for all we know I could just have haemolacria for no good reason."

He picked her up, and carried her to the bedroom, getting her jacket out and helping her put it on as they spoke.

"What's that? I haven't heard that word before," he only half paid attention, well aware that she was mainly speaking to defuse any tension present and allow herself to think unemotionally.

"It's a rare thing in my old world. It's the word for bleeding partially or fully bloody tears. It's usually part of a greater disease, but sometimes there was no explanation."

With his flak jacket on, his mask up, and Sona dressed warmly, Kakashi put his shinobi sandals on, and jumped from the balcony to save time.

He kept an eye, all the while, on any signs of discomfort or pain from her, but she showed none. As soon as they got to the hospital, Kakashi had a medic check for any signs of poisoning or other warnings for Sona's health, but nothing showed up, much to his relief.

She seemed perfectly healthy, by all accounts. Just to be on the safe side, he waited for Dr. Mukai to be available for blood work, all the while Sona chattering away in his ear inappropriate observations and guesses she made about the other people in the hospital, that steadily got more and more absurd.

"Do you think he wears his pants so tight because he likes the feeling of his testicles being crushed? Perhaps he's secretly a masochist."

"Have you noticed that the two nurses who went into that supply room are taking an awfully long time? Do you think they're up to something a little risqué together?"

"God look at that guy, he's either got a miserable resting face, or he's just realised his injured hands mean no jerk off sessions for a while."

Things just got worse from there. He was mostly inured to general directions her thoughts went in public, and her complete lack of effort to not say the first thing that came to mind to him, particularly, he knew, when she could say it in English and get away with anything.

"Ooh he's come out of that room walking a little funny, I wonder if whoever he's holding the door for is the one who rocked his world... and...that is a dog... dear God, the _dirty bastard_. Is bestiality considered acceptable here because some animals are capable of giving consent?"

And then sometimes there really was no getting used to the things she was more than happy to say out loud. He suppressed a choke at her unfortunately genuine question and released a pained, "no, Sona. Bestiality is not acceptable and _why do I even know that word?_"

She gave a casual shrug, "dunno, it's your foul corrupted mind, not mine."

He knew what she was doing. Whenever he was tense or worried or stressed, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, it was one of the things she immediately picked up on. Before he knew it he was too busy being flabbergasted by the things coming out of her mouth.

She just seemed to have the ability to know when he was unhappy about something he couldn't change, and suddenly putting a tilt on the situation that ensured he was facing something which would otherwise be tedious with his mind in the gutter, trying not to show others where his thoughts were at or laugh at the wrong moment entirely.

When he was stressed about something he could act upon, but was too caught up in the situation to know what to do- which generally only applied to non shinobi matters- also happened to be the areas of his life she usually had just as much experience as him, if not more. She would make him explain what was bothering him, and then verbally deconstruct the situation and set it out like a real life shogi game, simplifying anything that seemed complicated and somehow creating win win scenarios for him to choose from or adapt for himself.

Which was why it continued to confound him how she could be so consistently and unrelentingly _terrible_ at shogi.

It was times like these she really did feel more like a little sister and friend, than his child. It was also when he appreciated that fact the most. He still forgot sometimes, though. No, not forgot- he never really forgot that she was a grown woman in her head. It was more like, it just moved to the back of his mind and became something completely subconsciously accepted by him that he didn't even think about it. In those times, he didn't look at her and occasionally struggle to wrap his head around his reality, but instead saw the same Su-chan he had always had.

She had this extra youth to her that most other people her mental age didn't, and had him forgetting she had lived almost as long as he had. Apparently it was because in her old culture, young people stayed children for longer, and she had considered herself a child unquestioningly until she was sixteen - which was mind boggling to him.

But at the same time she wasn't naive like so many civilians, and children. She didn't have the young flimsy hope and optimism that they did, which was closer to ignorance. She straddled the line between the jaded, cynical, hardened shinobi, and the protected, care free, oblivious civilians. It was the latter half that was so capable of bending itself into the shape of sweet little girl who had always been the youngest and smallest and most looked after- just polite, caring and empathetic enough to escape being called spoilt.

It was the former half that always expected the worst she could imagine, that plotted and schemed and manipulated constantly- seeing others as threats or pawns rather than people. She took a bitter pride in that part of herself, and clung to it like it was her only reliable protection, but was something that made her worth less than the next person. Kakashi believed she thought herself to be a far worse person than she really was. She took genuine pleasure in helping others, in making him smile and Gai laugh. She was selfish in her generosity, yes, but she was kind.

He thought she so adamantly claimed that almost everything was subjective, because underneath it, she believed if good and bad were definitive labels, nobody would claim her to be good. Sona was, in many ways, her own harshest critic.

He thought she would make a great shinobi, with some help. Someone who would not tarnish the best parts of themselves, like so many did in his line of work, someone who would not lose value of their own humanity or central principles that guided them- instead, someone who held the light inside of them with all the more care, but was not afraid at doing what needed to be done.

Already, he could see she was someone who was motivated to fight for the protection of others more than she was for her own gains. She wasn't above fighting for herself, but her actions were restrained with self doubt, and usually without the same passion.

He found himself just as protective of her now as he was when he thought she was a child. Perhaps more so, considering she was far more aware and capable of being afraid or mentally damaged by what was out there than he had known. She wasn't helpless, as he had thought, but she wasn't ready, and it was something that worried him constantly.

She was no where near prepared for the wider world yet, and the thought that it was all up to him and Gai, as the two people who knew just what they were working with, was terrifying. They could not protect her forever, they needed to teach her how to protect herself. Kakashi's greatest fear was failure to do so, and losing her because he hadn't given her everything she'd need to not just survive but _live_ , like she wanted to.

Sona had successfully wriggled her way into the centre of his life, and he couldn't bear the idea of her being taken away permanently. She was physically _there_ in a way nobody had ever been before, and he hadn't known how much he wanted that until she had almost forced it upon him, with her demands for the same.

A nudge knocked Kakashi from his thoughts, "look sharp, fuckbreath, Dr. Sexy incoming."

Kakashi carried Sona, and they made their way to a private room as usual, following Dr. Mukai.

She settled herself across from them, as he sat with Sona in his lap, with her familiar professional and perceptive demeanour, that didn't quite edge over into intimidating. Both Sona and Kakashi agreed that in another life the woman would have been a fantastic dominatrix. Well... actually Sona had said that and Kakashi had pretended she hadn't, but agreed silently.

"What seems to be the problem, Hatake-san, it says in my notes here that you just had Subaru tested for poison, which came up clear."

Quickly suppressing the images Sona had placed in his head, insisting to himself that Dr. Mukai _did not_ purr his name, and resisting the urge to glare at the girl - _she always did this to him, she didn't even need to say it out loud anymore_.

"There was an incident just before we came here. Subaru was crying and when she looked at me it became clear that her tears were blood, rather than water. She didn't show any other symptoms that would indicate a cause, nor was there any damage to her eyes or tear ducts, and I thought some blood work might provide answers."

Dr. Mukai diligently took notes as always as she spoke, "and has this happened before, or had Subaru bled unexpectedly from other orifices?"

"No, only her eyes. This was the first time she's cried since she was a newborn baby, at which point she didn't produce tears, so I wouldn't know if this was a one off or not. I do know her eyes are capable of watering normally, due to laughter, yawning and other causes."

Dr. Mukai gave an affirmative noise, a small smile tucked into the corners of her mouth, "Excellent. Well it's nice to know Subaru has been laughing to such an extent. She's shown great progress there. You're looking for some blood work, then?"

"Yes, with the same security as last time."

Sona opened her eyes from the 'power nap' she had been taking, as she almost always did in the hospital to avoid having to participate in conversation, and held her arm out eagerly.

The needle slipped under her skin, and just as before, Kakashi noticed Sona's eyes riveted to the blood rising in the clear vial, and again with the second one. Dr. Mukai efficiently labelled the vials and stood.

"I'll take care of these myself, since the usual young man I'd trust with these isn't working tonight," and she left with her usual efficiency.

Sona stared after Dr. Mukai, a puzzled frown making its way onto her face.

"Sona? What's wrong?"

She hesitated, biting her inner lip, before slowly replying, "I don't know how to describe it properly... it's like... the blood in those vials are still... inside me... but not. She's not in the room with them anymore but I know exactly where they are. I'm _in_ them. It's like when I lucid dream...when I'm also the floor and other people, although I have to concentrate far more to stretch my consciousness into them to control them. Except more vivid, because I'm awake and more aware."

Kakashi's brain worked double time to translate those meandering uncertain words, and comprehend them fully.

"That sounds like you're sensing your own chakra inside the blood."

Another, firmer, flash of suspicion travelled through him at the cause of her bloody tears, but he kept them to himself until they were home, where privacy was far more guaranteed.

"Is that normal?"

"It's not implausible." His careful, taciturn answer gave Sona the clues she needed, and she changed subject.

"So what do you think of Dr. Sexy's nails?"

Kakashi groaned, not even needing to guess where this was going; Sona had a ridiculous theory that long overly decorated nails were for women who were interested in other women. She also thought Dr. S- Mukai was not attracted to men.

"What? Don't tell me those aren't Dr. Sexy special Lesbian Nails, for kinky-" and then an obscene gesture with her hand, which he chose to continue pretending she didn't know.

"I thought you were the one who said those sorts of sweeping statements about people were asking to get someone ignored for life for chronic idiocy or punched in the face or both," he reminded, knowing he wasn't going to win this one.

She sniffed imperiously, "that's only for twats who actually believe in their own sweeping statements. It's fine otherwise, sweep away, I don't care. The point is, you can't deny Dr. Sexy is definitely not interested in men."

"Yes I can," he replied blandly. She patted his arm pityingly, and looked with exaggerated sorrow at him, until he flicked her hand away.

"Well yes I suppose you can, you poor deluded man. Pine away, dear heart. Pine away."

"I _don't_ have a crush on her. And before you even start I don't have an efficiency kink either, and _how do I even know what that is?_"

The conversation continued in that ridiculous vein, until Dr. Se- Mukai returned with the results an impressively short amount of time later.

They both collected themselves quickly, and Kakashi noticed Sona magically manage to fall into another power nap within two seconds, as Dr. S- Mukai sat down, reading the sheet of paper as she did.

"I can definitely confirm that Subaru has no foreign substances in her blood, so you have no need to worry about that Hatake-san," she paused then, a tiny wrinkle appearing between her brow, "I know last time we did blood work Subaru was low on iron, which I suggested might be a contributing factor to her tired demeanour, and to put her on an iron rich diet."

Kakashi nodded, "Yes, she's still on it."

"I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen someone with such high levels of iron in their blood. Have you been giving her iron supplements or multivitamins?"

"No, I don't own anything like that. The only things I own are the typical pills you'd find in a shinobi kit, and Subaru hasn't touched it."

She took notes, "and Subaru hasn't shown any signs of nausea, dizziness, a fast or weak pulse, headaches, fever, shortness of breath or fluid in the lungs, discoloured bluish skin, jaundice or seizures?"

"No, none of those."

"Despite the unusually high iron content levels, I'll cross off iron poisoning then, considering it's not generally something that builds up gradually, but caused by swallowing high amounts at once. On top of that Subaru's body shows no problems with metabolising the iron. Considering this isn't something your own body is capable of, I'll put a mark on the side, that this may be an inherited ability from her mother.

"From what I can see, Subaru isn't at risk. However, I'd suggest keeping an eye on it, and if any other symptoms show up, or she begins to lose too much blood from crying, bring her straight back. There is every the possibility that these are early manifestations of an unknown Kekkei Genkai from her mother's side."

Time passed swiftly after that, and Kakashi found them back at home as he thought deeply on the hints he had been given. He removed his shoes and both their jackets, and sat down on the sofa. His eye caught the so far quiet Sona, and realised with a jolt that she was eyeing him sharply. She saw she had his attention.

"You know something. Or you suspect something. C'mon spill," she remarked, shrewdly.

He scratched the back of his head, and thought for a second, "it's been two years and you've not once asked after your biological mother. You never even asked about the circumstances behind your birth beyond what I offered."

She shrugged dismissively, willing to go the long way round the conversation to humour him, "I didn't really care at first. I was too busy being a zombie to even care that you're my tou-san. And then I was too busy getting better to give any thought into any shinobi or blood line matter. And then I was mostly better once more, and I had you and Gai and I didn't really give a shit. I don't need a mother figure, and I don't want one."

He ruffled her hair, with a quirk of his lips, "I know you won't anyway, but don't go telling the details of your conception to anyone else, it's part of a classified mission."

For the first time, Kakashi disclosed the full story behind Sona's creation into this world, as she listened with a serious and intense expression. She was silent for a moment afterward.

"Huh, I kind of just assumed you knocked up some lady with a mysterious past and she died in childbirth or something, leaving only you to look after me. That it was immaculate conception... sort of sucks. Do you _ever_ get-"

" _Any_ way, the records only stated that she was from Yugakure, except we know that no hidden villages besides our own was stolen from. There really aren't any clans close to Yugakure yet not part of it which have promising Kekkei Genkais. Only one came to mind to me when the evidence was put together, unless it was a passing female shinobi from elsewhere- but then how would they know exactly where to look? Neither Hōzuki Kasumi, nor her assistant had time or resources to dedicate to a manhunt for a particular shinobi. They aimed for that area knowingly and with calculation.

"There are only brief mentions of a clan in records, before and shortly after the inception of Konoha. Everything about them mostly became well spread rumour- including that they settled somewhere considered inhospitable called Jigogudani, after they were chased out of their original home due to politics, close to Yugakure. However, since then there has been little to no sign of their existence, everyone assumed their extinction, and years before you were even born it was confirmed that they were all wiped out. They had a formidable Kekkei Genkai, although not too much is known about the specifics of it still."

He paused for a second, watching Sona consideringly. He knew she didn't cry blood every time her eyes watered, so what was it about that specific time that made the difference? Was it the amount? But no, she'd gotten a lot of dust in her eyes once from him and Gai sparring, and they had watered copiously. Perhaps it had something to do with her emotional state.

"What did you feel, while you were crying?"

She looked to side and tilted her head, "a lot of things... grief? Sadness... anger."

"Do you think you're capable of making yourself cry on command whilst feeling those things?"

"No, probably not," suddenly her head shot up, "wait! There was this one song back home that no matter how many times I heard it I cried each time. Maybe if I play it over in my head, and focus on those emotions... maybe. I don't know if it will work, although I'm still feeling a little wobbly from earlier so it could... I'll give it a go."

Without prompting, she closed her eyes with a furrowed brow, and breathed slowly. He remained still and silent, and within a minute, she was swaying slowly from side to side. Under her breath she began to hum and sing words that he couldn't hear properly, but sounded like a lullaby.

Slowly, her face creased, and she sniffled slightly. After a couple of minutes, a single tear dropped its way down her face. Another one squeezed its way out. Both were clear.

She opened her eyes and wiped her face, checking her hand.

"Didn't work?"

"No."

"Hmm that's a shame. It's a sad song. From a child's film, about a baby elephant that gets taken away from its Mother because she tries to defend him, forced to perform as a clown, and humiliated and shunned for being different. It's the song that plays when he gets to visit her while she's locked up," she sighed with a melancholy slant to her face, "I miss music."

"Are you sure you focussed on your anger enough?"

"I think so. I always found that bit too relatable to my own situation not to get angry as well. Although it was always more bitter anger than..."

She stopped, looking both hopeful and uncertain as she stroked the joints of her left fingers.

"Than what?"

"Well... during both of those memories, but particularly the second bit, I feel this violent anger. A desire to hurt or kill."

"Do you have another memory that brings forth all of those emotions; grief, sadness, anger, and killing intent? If you have a different memory, we can be sure it's the emotions and not the memory itself."

Sona's eyes flicked down as she ran through her memories. He knew when she found one, only a few seconds later, because her whole face darkened into something scornful, filled with angered grief and something close to hatred.

"Yeah. I've got one, easy," her voice was low, and he knew whoever she was thinking of was either someone she wished she had killed, or someone she wished she could kill again. He could already see tears pricking at the corner of her eyes.

Once more, without prompting she closed her lids, and began to hum the song. There was a more vicious cast to her face this time, and if he focussed he could feel the very low level killing intent he had probably missed the first time- too busy buried in his own anger.

She grimaced, and almost bared her teeth as she hummed, but the upper portion of her face showed nothing but mourning. The tears came slightly easier this time, the first two dripped out clear, and then he saw red bead up by her lashes, and start trickling steadily down her cheeks.

Her chest hitched as she breathed, lost in whatever memories still hurt her so badly, and he placed his hands comfortingly on her shoulders.

"Sona, open your eyes," he murmured, so she did.

Red. That was the first thing he saw. Not the red purple they were usually, but blood red. Her entire sclera was lit with the bright red of arterial blood, and darkened to the red found in veins where her purple-red iris usually was. Her pupil was a pinky white, thick horizontal line in the middle of her iris.

The deep red black of deoxygenated blood dripped from them steadily.

"Chinoike," he breathed, his eye wide. Knowing she would want to see, he quickly took her to the bathroom mirror so she could have a look herself.

"Holy shit! What the hell is that?!" Her eyes faded back into its normal striking purple-red, but she didn't look away from herself in the mirror, her face stunned, "that's fucking freaky. Seriously, that shit just didn't happen in my old life. That's... that's such a head trip."

"I believe that is a dōjutsu belonging to the Chinoike clan called Ketsuryūgan." Kakashi was stunned too, despite his previous suspicions, but he didn't show it beyond his still countenance, and slightly widened eye.

He used a cloth to wipe Sona's face down and rinse it off. She watched the pink water swirl down the drain contemplatively.

"It's weird. Once it's a bit further away from me it's more obvious. I can sense that blood as it goes down the drain. It still feels like it's a part of me. It's like I can sense a map of the pipes because of it, until it hits a greater body of water and it... slips through my mental fingers. I think with practice I could hold onto it even then."

"Ketsuryūgan was a dōjutsu that allowed the Chinoike clan mastery of blood."

They went to sit back down as the implications rushed through Kakashi. Immediately he knew he had to keep this quiet for as long as possible. Bringing a new dōjutsu into Konoha that at one time was considered comparable to the sharingan, was also considered extinct and now only had one know wielder of, was guaranteed to place far too much attention on Sona from not only inside Konoha, but across the Elemental Nations.

She was too vulnerable to bear up under that sort of scrutiny. Suddenly it felt like all of those conversations that they had been slowly making their way towards about her future needed to happen now. There was too little time, and too many potential enemies, with just him and Gai to act as buffers.

Kakashi's increasing internal panic was suddenly cut through by Sona's cackles. Surprised, his eyes darted down to where she at his side was sat leaning against him.

"Oh dear god, everyone is so fucked when I get my period."

He deflated and face palmed, "of course that's the first thing you think of."

She calmed down gradually, only a few sporadic giggles escaping her, "so, mastery over blood. That sounds... pretty awesome. Is it awesome? I don't know, usually my imagination would be firing all over the place for potential uses here, but I'm mostly drawing a blank. I just like the colour."

He put his arm round her and pulled her onto his lap, "I don't know many solid facts about it. Although it's rather famous, written accounts have mostly been destroyed, and anything more detailed would likely be in Kaminari no Kuni, in the Daimyo's own records, or Kumo's. Konoha doesn't have the most amiable relationship with Kumo, and they have a reputation for theft of Kekkei Genkais where they can get away with it. As you can imagine, we won't be asking them for more information.

"Listen Sona, you need to keep this a secret until you can sufficiently protect yourself. You need to train using it, of course, but I don't think a civilian life as an option for you anymore."

She turned tilted her head back to look up at him, "I wasn't planning to go for a civilian life anyway, but why not?"

"If it comes out that you have a dōjutsu, high levels of pressure will be placed upon you to marry someone of the council's choosing, settle down, and have a lot of children. Either that, or your genes may well be stolen from to create more by some of the more unscrupulous members of Konoha. The easiest way to protect yourself from both, is to become high profile enough through your merits as a shinobi that they cannot force you, nor risk you leaving the village if they try."

He knew it would kill her inside to be forced to marry someone and have a family that she didn't choose herself. Actually, he didn't think it would- she would probably kill anyone who tried to make her, get herself executed and her eyes stolen. Or she would just kill herself and destroy her eyes so that they didn't get what they wanted from her.

He couldn't allow that to happen. Protecting Sona by teaching her to protect herself suddenly became a whole lot more urgent.

She turned around on his lap to face him, a deadly serious look in her eye.

"DFB, I don't want children. If something happened to me like what happened to you, I would raise them without hesitation. But I don't want to bring children into this world. I don't want to face that pressure to give up on a career or lifestyle I worked so hard for, I don't want to be a mother first and a working woman second.

"I definitely don't want a husband picked for me. If I ever marry, and I don't think I will, it will be someone I've fallen in love with and who completely respects my career.

"I was up for having children in my last life... but in most ways I'm still someone of my old culture, and I don't agree with a lot of the ways Konoha wants their children raised. I would hate to watch children of my own indoctrinated into unquestioningly dedicating their life to fighting and killing at the age of twelve, until they died. Or choosing the- in many ways limited -life that is being a civilian- particularly for females.

"I feel no bitterness or resentment that this is the life I was born into, but when I make my choice to fight, it will be with years of experience in knowing what else could be out there for me, and almost a decade and a half of education.

"I refuse to allow anyone to dictate for me how I should live my life. Especially something so personal as who I should have children with."

He ran his fingernails lightly against her scalp to relax her, and felt a combination of pride, sorrow, empathy, and determination.

"I know, Sona. I'll do my best to help you. I promise. So keep that dōjutsu quiet for as long as you can. I think it's time we start stepping up the subtle physical training Gai and I have already been giving you. You already have a good intellectual basis to start with in shinobi matters, but I'll begin to make that more obvious too. I'll protect you."

She smiled lovingly at him, "I'll protect you too, whatever it takes. I won't just be working for me- that will only take me so far. If learning to protect myself means I make your job easier, and I learn to work alongside you rather than as a liability, I'll give it my all."

"It won't be easy, and I'm not going to be soft with you just because I love you," he warned.

Her whole expression sharpened, and a laser focus he had rarely seen from her seemed to suddenly radiate outward. Rather than look intimidated, she looked viciously thrilled, and a gleam shone in her eye that seemed almost manic, "Excellent. I'd be insulted if you did anything else."

For some reason he got the sudden idea that Sona was going to be one of those people who _enjoyed_ being battered into the dirt, just so that she learned how to last a fraction of a second longer the next time.

* * *

 _So intially when I gave her this dōjutsu, right back in kakashi's first pov, I too drew a complete blank for it's potential uses. Also there will be no epic training montage unfortunately, she's going to have to work and scrape for her Kekkei Genkai abilities, so that they don't seem too OP._

 _How do you think training Sonaru first will impact Kakashi's team 7 teaching abilities? How long do you think they can keep it a secret? What did you think of Kakashi's handling of it all? What do you think she was imagining to activate her dōjutsu? I hope I did justice on page to the relationship they have in my head._

 _Also for anyone who didn't know, the film is a Disney film called Dumbo. Came out in something like 1941. The song is called Baby Mine. Makes me cry every damn time haha._


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

eh I don't know how I feel about this chap, it's alright I guess. It's a little difficult to concentrate because I'm trying to sort shit out to move out by the end of next month

Anyway, next chap will probably also be Kakashi pov, putting some real thinking and planning into place and whatnot. If there's anything else you'd like to see from his pov in terms of scenes or what he thinks about specific stuff let me know, otherwise it's likely to be a short one... or one that goes wildly out of my control haha.

No editing in this one, sorry for mistakes

english spoken is underlined.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, also for favs and follows! Let me know what works or doesn't work for you, as well as prompts for future scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 24 - Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright**

Despite himself, Kakashi slept fitfully that night. He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and worried. He hadn't been prone to poking and prodding at potential problems like a sore tooth until he had had Sona in his life. With someone so dependent on him he found himself trying to prevent issues for them both before they even manifested, rather than dealing with them when the time came. He was responsible for the continued stability in their lives and it was daunting.

He was distracted from his thoughts by a little body sleepily dragging itself across his abdomen and draping itself there with a snuffly puff. He suppressed a sound of amusement at such a small person's ability to take up so much of the bed in one night. It had taken almost two weeks to get used to Sona's sudden need to move copiously during the night after her health had improved past a certain point. She'd gone from lying too still and silent all night, to flinging herself across the mattress and wriggling around or over him during her sleep.

The first few times it had happened he had been jolted from his sleep under the impression that it was an intruder. Without thinking, he'd grabbed her in a restraining hold, reaching for a kunai he always kept nearby, then almost had a heart attack when he realised who it was - Sona had sleepily cracked open an eyelid, made a grumpy whining sound, pawed weakly at his hand, turned over and gone back to sleep completely uncaring of the kunai aimed at her throat.

By now, although some part of him was vaguely aware whenever she moved, he slept right through all of her wriggling - regardless of her unconscious ability to always find where he lay and steal his body heat. He in turn seemed to have developed the habit in his sleep of tucking her right up next to him in an attempt to minimise her excessive movements.

"You're thinking too loudly," came the hoarse mumble.

"Aa, sorry I didn't mean to wake you," he kept his voice quiet.

"Stop worrying, go to sleep."

Kakashi said nothing, but carded his fingers through her hair and scraped his nails gently against her scalp.

"S'nice. But seriously, if you're gonna be stuck awake, think productive. Don't underestimate the people who'll fight for you, take stock of your resources, prepare yourself for worst case scenario, and be at peace with the hand you've got, knowing you'll do the best you possibly can with it.

"Don't isolate yourself. You, me, Gai. We're a team. I might not be much yet, but you have two formidable fighters in yourself and Gai. Wars have been won on less. And while I'm improving, you're not stuck with nothing to do but hope. You can always get better yourself. Whether that's physically or in other shinobi arts, or whatever.

"Trust us. Trust yourself. Whatever happens, it'll be an acceptable outcome as long as we're together. Keep the real goal simple and hidden, and anything we achieve that maintains that, will be a win for us."

He smiled in the dark, and thought a little on what she'd said, "maa, I guess you're right."

"Course I'm right, now shut up and go to sleep. I was dreaming of cake,"she grumbled, then squirmed, stretched, relaxed with a sigh, and fell asleep once more still draped across him.

* * *

Early the next morning, with about three hours of sleep, Kakashi rose from bed. Like usual, Sona had migrated to somewhere around his shoulder or neck by that point, and when she felt him rise, she automatically hooked her arms around the base of his neck and was lifted, dangling behind him as he stood. He reached behind him to give her some support from underneath so that she wasn't strangling him, and made his way to kitchen to make breakfast one handed.

Fairly soon, with her cheek rested against the curve by his neck, the smell of food reached Sona's nose, and she blearily dragged herself from sleep to open her eyes.

"What're we doin' t'day?" She slurred into his shoulder.

"Today," he replied, far more cheerily than her despite his lack of sleep, "we're having a chat with Gai. I'm sparring with him and doing a mission, you're bonding with the pack and practicing your writing, and finally you're teaching me to write English."

"M'kay."

They sat next to each other at the table when the food was served, Sona leaning against him to keep herself upright, her eyes still only half open.

"Why'm I still so tired," she complained drowsily. He put his arm round her, so that she could focus on eating rather than not falling into her food.

"Because yesterday was the first time you used chakra by activating your dōjutsu. It's a shock to the system as your body gets used to refilling your reserves, which are small enough already due to your physical age."

He didn't mention the fact that she was also probably recovering from her outpouring of emotions yesterday. He saw the remnants of her anguish the day before in the puffiness around her eyes, and the shadows underneath them.

Reminded of the cause once more, he felt the anger that he had pushed aside stir inside him again. He kept his expression carefully controlled, and continued to eat, as Sona grumbled incoherently to herself.

Truthfully, Sona wasn't wrong the day before, in that so many others had suffered what would be considered far greater losses. But from his experience, a child of great privilege may experience great suffering at being exposed to violence and cruel words, just as an underprivileged child who had been through great struggles could experience the same level of great suffering at seeing what little they had scraped together for themselves stripped cruelly from them and forced into acts that they arguably should never be exposed to at that age.

The human ability to adapt to weather the lives they had been given, Kakashi believed, allowed people to generally feel the same sort of sliding scale of worry, fear, stress, anxiety, grief, sorrow, joy and contentment in all sorts of different circumstances.

As such, it wasn't so much the actual event which angered him to such an extent, but the emotions that Sona associated with it. Strife and suffering was a common occurrence throughout the Elemental Nations, and sometimes he felt like he had seen all of its forms - sometimes the thought of all the pain out there barely moved him at all. But this wasn't a stranger, or a client, or a fellow shinobi who had signed up to their life and been hardened for it. This was his family.

This was his child. His sister. His best friend. He was undeniably protective of her, and he had taken on her mental well-being as his responsibility. To know that some cowardly bastard had hurt her before he was even around to be there for her infuriated him. He couldn't help but look at his little Su-chan and imagine her a little taller, a little less cautious, a little more brash, a lot more vulnerable and helpless, without the cool confidence she had in her own logic, and so much more exposed to casual cruelty. He couldn't help but seethe at his imagination of that girl having her mind twisted about by two malicious adults who were supposed to protect her.

He didn't wonder why anyone would want to hurt a little girl, or why anyone would want to beat an innocent dog. He had seen far too much to wonder those sorts of things anymore, but it didn't stop the desire to see the fear in their eyes and see the life drain from them, to ensure they never got near enough to hurt her again. What rankled the most, was the complete futility of these desires. The scumbags were a world and a lifetime away. The damage was done. He would never meet them and he would never get to show them how it felt to be at the mercy of someone stronger and smarter than they were.

"You're angry," the high, sweet voice pierced his thoughts, and his eye snapped toward Sona, who was regarding him with veiled concern.

He should have known better than to think she wouldn't be able to tell. If there was one thing she was good at it was picking up and understanding the most subtle changes in people's body language, expressions, intonation and wording. She was even better when it was him, with her consistent exposure.

"Aa," he replied simply.

"Was it something to do with my Kekkei Genkai and its related issues, what I told you last night, or something else entirely?"

He pondered for a moment, over whether to tell her or not, before admitting, "I'm frustrated at what your dad and step mother exposed you to, and the effect it had on you. I don't like that there's nothing I can do about it."

She hummed, like she had suspected as such, and gave him a comforting smile, which almost made him feel worse- was he not supposed to be comforting her?

"I can't tell you how to feel about it. You're allowed to feel whatever you like toward my dad and Anne, but remember, they weren't flat characters found in a book. They weren't villains. They hurt me, I won't deny that- and my dad at least, hurt others too- but there was a lot more to them than that. I think, that to deny their positive attributes is to do an injustice to some of the people who played a key part in influencing who I became. The memories still make me cry when I speak of them and I'm pulled back into that moment, but after a long time, I forgave both of them for what they did.

"It did me no good to hold onto my contempt and disgust and anger, it did me even less good to expect better of them than what they could give. I learnt to understand that they didn't just pop into existence making people unhappy around them, they learned and were taught to be insecure, and unhappy and most of all; afraid. I discovered, at least for my dad, that underneath it all he never stopped being the terrified little boy who was beaten and abused and psychologically bullied by both of his parents until he learnt to make everyone afraid of him so that they didn't hurt him first."

He frowned, feeling his lips curl down, "that doesn't justify the harm they did." _To you_ went unsaid.

She shrugged, "no, I know. But it also doesn't cancel out the help that they did. My dad admitted to me once that he didn't like to be violent and scare the people he loved, but he felt like he couldn't help himself. He said he was scared that one day he'd get carried away and he'd kill someone and he'd get addicted to it. Discounting Bo, he was always very careful not to go that far. It was like this little comfort he kept telling himself- that at least he'd never killed anyone."

"He never ended another person's life?" He found himself asking curiously.

"He did. He killed one person. For me. Because I asked him to. He did it so that I didn't have to... he gave that piece of himself to me, and then he died."

He saw the strain around Sona's expression, and so dropped that line of conversation. He still didn't like Simeon, and he definitely didn't like Anne, he was still angry at what she had been through, and frustrated at his inability to do anything. However, Sona said she had forgiven both of them, and she was the one they hurt. He wasn't inclined to forgive them, but it wasn't about him.

He leaned down and pulled her into his lap, to give the top of her (fluffy soft) head a quick buss, before he lifted her onto his shoulder, and took the dirty dishes to the sink for later.

"Come on, a quick shower for us both I think, and then over to Gai's." He forced his tone back into the peppy cheer of earlier that morning, with an eye smile on his face, knowing there was a mutual desire to change the topic.

He knew Gai, for all his complete inability to be anything but blunt and honest, was still startlingly good at seeing underneath the underneath in his own way. Kakashi wouldn't need to explain beyond the basics for his best friend to understand the sort of problems they were facing in terms of Subaru's Kekkei Genkai. Sona had a great ability to simplify things he was stressed about, and create winning scenarios from them, but she wasn't a shinobi and she only currently had minimal understanding of specific politics and shadows that ran the shinobi world, both within Konoha, and the Elemental Nations. If he wanted a sounding board who would help him in this, he'd need Gai's help.

Additionally, he could really use a willing and tough opponent to try to beat into the ground right about now, to take the edge off.

* * *

Thankfully there weren't any real surprises for Kakashi that day, and it went just about how he expected it to. Gai responded to the news of Sona's Kekkei Genkai with the level of passion he had predicted, whilst at the same time acknowledging the risk she was under.

They put aside discussing plans for the time being, as explaining even subtextually the threat posed to Subaru's wellbeing had Kakashi feeling frustrated and stressed and antsy all over again. He left a mildly anxious Sona with some sweet things, books and his Ninken for both bonding and protection, after double checking the security around Gai's apartment, before they both made their way to a training ground.

He made sure to tell Gai not to hold back, and then spent the next three and a half hours exhausting both himself and Gai, by trying to beat the shit out of him, with a particular vicious edge to his fighting. Gai, of course, gave as good as he got, and they thoroughly destroyed the training ground. All the while, both of them made sure to evaluate each other's and their own abilities, their progress for the past few years and how they might hold up against other elite Jōnin.

To his dismay, he realised that Sona was right, in that he could improve. He was certainly no worse than when he left Anbu, having kept his skills up through frequent sparring sessions, but where his physical speed had improved marginally, his mental clarity and reflexes had dulled the slightest bit. Most frustratingly, was that overall he had stagnated.

To be truthful, he had in many ways stagnated since his became Anbu captain. He knew he had grown immensely spiritually and emotionally. He was more confident in himself as a shinobi and as a man. Having a team that depending on his leadership for survival under the harshest conditions had given him invaluable skills. He had gleaned a far greater understanding of the workings of the village he lived in, and just how to work the system to his own advantage wherever he could.

But purely as a fighter, he had gotten no better. His jutsus were as numerous as ever thanks to his sharingan, but he relied on it far too quickly and it tired him out too much in a fight. He hadn't realised he'd gotten complacent, until he was facing- in a worst case scenario -a fight on his hands against shinobi as skilled as he was, with information on his abilities, and a determination to get past him to kidnap his child.

He needed to be better. He needed to be faster, stronger, more wily, more slippery, more imaginative. He needed... a lot more practice that he didn't know if he had the time for whilst also focusing on improving Sona.

If it wasn't the innate trust that no matter what, Gai had his back, he'd have walked away from that feeling more despondent and annoyed with himself than he did. As it was those emotions would do him no good. He could only focus on his goals and do whatever was required of him to reach them.

As he and Gai dragged themselves back from their mutual battering, he idly wondered how Sona had gotten on with the pack. He hoped she at least managed to open up to Pakkun, who was the most talkative of them.

The scene they walked in on immediately had Gai reaching for the camera. Bundled on the floor in a pile was his pack, and protected in the middle of all of that fur, Sona was fast asleep, with Pakkun in her arms, looking relaxed and pleased with himself.

He couldn't prevent the smile from creeping across his face at the cute sight. Akino, who was closest to Kakashi and Gai, lifted his head from where it was rested against his front paws.

"She fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. Took a while to get her to warm up to us, but eventually we had her playing a game of tag to work off the sugar," he spoke quietly, and then shifted slightly guiltily, "we may have broken a few plates during an enthusiastic tackle. She read the books you left her and crashed shortly afterward."

Kakashi knew Gai wouldn't care about the broken plates, considering he broke multiple a week. He was just pleased that she had opened up to the pack so quickly.

"You've got a good pup," Pakkun's low voice commented. He didn't need the pug to tell him that, he already knew- but he appreciated the words all the same.

"I can rely on you give your all to keep her safe?"

There was a unanimous rumble of agreement from his Ninken, and Kakashi allowed the smile that had crept onto his face to reach his eyes.

"Good," he turned to Gai, "I'll take her home for some lunch. We'll need to discuss things in greater depth when she's more awake."

Gai kept quiet out of consideration for the sleeping Sona, who barely stirred when he lifted her into his arms and dismissed the Ninken, but he nodded his agreement and gave a shiny grin.

He felt the urge to sit down and strategise right away, but he was tired, and he needed some time to think things through properly after his exhausting spar. On top of that, he knew Sona would want to be present for most discussions so that she could learn from them both, and be included as an equal member.

He cast a fond glance at the girl who seemed to enjoy sleep as much as a Nara, and prepared himself for an evening ahead of trying to learn the baffling and illogical written language that was English.

Kakashi might find it to possibly be one of the most aggravating things he had had to teach himself, but he had to admit, he highly doubted anyone would be able to translate it without an extensive period of time studying a large quantity. Particular since Sona seemed adamant of teaching him both the 'official' written language and the 'modern' language, which from what he could tell was some sort of strange code that had been used by younger generations to completely confuse their parents when they wrote or spoke to each other about a vast range of topics.

He was fairly certain she wasn't teaching him so much for its guaranteed security if messages were intercepted, or conversations overheard, but because she found it strangely hilarious to hear him speak using the almost nonsensical code.

Now that he thought about it, it was likely he'd derive a fair amount of amusement watching Gai learn it, too, if only for the extensive and often bizarre explanations given for where some of the 'modern' words originated from and their various meanings.

Honestly, he mainly just wanted to see Gai's reaction, when it was explained to him the meaning behind Sona's name for Danzo after she'd been made aware of the conniving man's existence. She may have been the one to first call him 'Mr. Incel' but Kakashi had no objections about that one.

* * *

 _Kakashi occasionally slipping up there and calling her Subaru again in his head. He's merging the two together subconsciously._

 _a little lacklustre for Gai's presence here sorry, I had some difficulty concentrating, and the last 1000 words were like pulling teeth._

 _As for INCEL for those of you who don't know the definition, it technically means involuntarily celibate. But there are a bunch of other implications there that you'll find if you look the word up online. Kakashi finds Sona's explanation hilarious of what she considers to be the root cause (hehe) of what makes Danzo so Danzo._


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This chap was supposed to be in Kakashi pov, but every time I sat down to write it I'd get stuck because I'd realise 'oh wait Kakashi is a very smart super awesome ninja who is supposed to be creating tactics in this chap as someone with a deep understanding of Konoha shinobi politics and the Elemental Nations... I on the other hand... am not any of those things.'

So in order to put off having to think too deeply for at least a little while on my version of Konoha and the underneath workings of a mercenary based dictatorship with magical chakra, I wrote it in Sonaru's pov instead. Because she doesn't really understand that shit either.

Next chap will be in Kakashi pov though. Also zero editing again.

Thank you as well for all those who gave suggestions for her Kekkei Genkai! I'll keep them all in mind, but as for Sonaru she will have to figure it all out the slow way, since she doesn't have you amazing peeps for inspiration.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, favs and follows! Let me know what works and what doesn't work for you, and Amy prompts you want to see for scenes going forward

* * *

 **Chapter 25 - Can You See The Real Me, Can You?**

Everybody had secrets. It was pretty much a fact of life. Everyone had things they lied about or hid or just didn't speak about. Whether it was small or large.

It was an interesting side effect of my growing up with two parents who generally despised each other- and would use anything we said about the other parent whether inadvertently or explicitly, to prove to a court of law the other's shitty parenting techniques -that I felt inherently uncomfortable when I _wasn't_ hiding things. I was used to being part of a small trio of people who pretty much held all the cards on the information front, and picked who knew what about each part of our life.

Lying came with the territory. But it was more than that- it was more than just having an excellent ability to distort the truth, or fabricate a believable lie that fit the facts within a moment, it was the ability to _live_ a lie. I was used to it -living a lie was comfortable and felt safe to me. It wasn't living as someone who never spoke the truth, and was someone who was completely the opposite of the real me. It was more like... cherry picking different components of myself based upon what worked best in different scenarios and ramping those qualities up until it was as though I was someone else entirely- someone I was almost unable to understand when I was being one of the other versions of me.

Truthfully, people did a version of it all the time - for work, for family, for friends, for strangers. I was just _excellent_ at it. For me, people who lived a transparent life all the time baffled me. I didn't know how they did it. I just didn't feel right if there wasn't some hidden shit going on in my life most of the time. I felt too exposed. Like someone could too easily watch me and know more of me than I would want them to.

I grew up being one person for dad; discerning, calculating, manipulative, quiet, selfish, sweet, energetic, physical, survivalist. Another for Mother; kind hearted, optimist, intuitive, polite, helpful, opinionated, generous, passionate, open minded. Another for school; focussed, smart, eloquent, driven, respectful, bossy, fair, neutral, well behaved, trustworthy.

As I grew these personalities evolved and changed slightly, but remained the same at their core. There was a reason I didn't like having school friends over to meet either of my parents. It was too difficult to be two people at once. There was a reason I was never one of those kids who just wanted their parents to get along and be together so they could have a happy family. My mother would not approve of who I was with dad- she'd view it as him having corrupted me and seek to purge his influence. My dad would see who I was with Mother as someone unable to keep secrets and thus a liability.

Splitting my life so carefully and never having the pieces interact was the norm for me. Other people struggled with it and felt pulled apart at the seams. One thing other people never did was wonder how I managed it, because they never saw the other segments of my life that they were not a part of, to know what I did.

Only my siblings and I stood in the centre of it all, needing no communication to know the who, what and when of the information we selectively shared.

We felt no guilt, no second guessing, no desire for something else. It was the way life was for me and it was the way we liked it.

* * *

Despite the inherent risks and dangers that surrounded my new life constantly thanks to some bullshit overpowered sounding dōjutsu, which my normally creative brain was drawing a complete blank for how it was useful, the moment DFB made it clear what solution he had come up with to minimise the chance of me being found out immediately, a part of me relaxed inside.

It was a part I hadn't even known had been wound up and tense until it wasn't anymore. During my two years in this new life I had had little personal interaction on any deep level with people other than DFB and Gai. I hadn't even realised how completely unwilling I had been to even try, until suddenly the idea of walking the streets of Konoha without DFB acting as a buffer wasn't such an uncompelling idea anymore, thanks to DFB's solution.

According to DFB and Gai, everyone had secrets, but shinobi lived and breathed secrets. If I wanted mine to go undiscovered for some time, I'd have to create a smokescreen by getting some new ones. Not only new secrets, but believably hidden ones too. Ones that could evolve over time with me as I aged, to still be relevant.

It was then, that my lifetime of practice of splitting my life apart was called upon. DFB wasn't stupid by any means, and I might not have told him in so many words but I had heavily implied to him that that was what I was comfortable and practiced with.

Both men watched me over the next few days as they ramped up my physical exercise, and threw curveballs at me. DFB tricked me a few times into thinking a scenario was more serious than it was. They spoke to me about some elements of Konoha shinobi politics to see what my jerk reaction was to it all. After all, there was no point in creating a persona if under pressure it cracked.

The best ones were based just enough on the truth that they were fluid and flexible and believable. Using their knowledge of my abilities and personality, budding shinobi Subaru was born.

It was in Subaru that the resemblance to the DFB everyone else knew was strongest. Subaru was efficient, calculating, manipulative, intelligent, perceptive, driven, with the quirk of occasional lateness, and a sprinkling of blunt irreverent slightly crass humour for those who got close to her. Subaru was loyal as a dog, but slippery as an eel. She was aloof, and slow to warm up to others, but mostly professional and neutral. She was practical, and androgynous in her dress and demeanour. She liked having the upper hand in any situation, and kept her issues close to her chest.

Underscoring Subaru was the deep love she had for her family and her desire to bring pride to her father. She was a daddy's girl, but she hid it well. It was only in the never ending patience she had for his own quirks and habits, their ability to have a conversation within a conversation together and the way she was more physically comfortable around him than others that allowed people to read between the lines. This would become slightly harder to do for strangers as she got older. Subaru was part of a shinobi family and it showed. Subaru knew the darkness and pain and moral ambiguity of life, and had strengthened herself from it.

Then there was Sona. Sona was feminine, and sweet, and smiley. She wore dresses and pretty clothing. Sona would grow up to wear small amounts of makeup, and charm everyone around her. She was polite, well behaved, amiable, light hearted, empathetic, optimistic, sweet. Sona was smart, but not opinionated. She was a little forgetful and occasionally a tad ditzy, but that was because Sona always had her head in a story. She was a writer, and loved books. She could be a bit distant because of this, and hard to reach from whatever fantasy world she was gallivanting off into. Sona observed as many social rules as she could without being too restrained, and got flustered when she made a mistake. Sona didn't speak about her family and she generally didn't speak too much about herself, she was interested in theoretical discussions, and other people's experiences or opinions. Sona made people want to dote on her.

Sona would die for someone she cared about. Subaru would kill for them.

Sona would cry at another's suffering and death, whereas Subaru would critique their murderer and only feel a cool contempt at the waste spent on unnecessary time and effort when hurting them if they were just going to die imminently anyway.

Sona was almost too forgiving or understanding, Subaru could almost be accused of being a sociopath at times.

They were not polar opposites by any means. Both were creative in different ways, intuitive, intelligent, eloquent and insightful at different times. They were just two sides of the same coin. And the only time they came together was around DFB and Gai in response to their relaxed body language with her, where there were no pretences needed.

Sona was not needed in entirety just yet, but she'd soon be reaching an age where she could walk the streets by herself and build a life outside of home. In the mean time, DFB and Gai worked with me to craft Subaru into existence.

There was more to it than that of course. Gai and DFB had a greater understanding of the workings of the Elemental Nations and of Konoha than I did, and so when they spoke about specific scenarios and people to keep me away from or introduce me to, much of the nuances of the conversation was lost to me. The breakdowns of their abilities and how they could improve was spoken in technical terms I didn't understand. During much of their talking, their real points and conclusions were supposed to be inferred rather than spelled out, and of course went over my head.

I picked up a few things here or there, and it really highlighted to me just how much I had to learn. I looked forward to a time when Gai, DFB and I could sit together and use the same terms and understand the multiple unspoken layers of each other's sentences and each contribute an equal amount. I imagined we'd be something incredibly powerful together by that point.

Nevertheless, my part was made clear to me, and in the mean time DFB pointed out a few areas in which I could improve my face to face lying when confronted with pointed questions - to reduce my gesticulating, to believe my own lie as I spoke it, to increase the references to myself in first person when I spoke a lie, rather than avoid saying 'I'. We delved into the art of lying, and for the first time in either lives I found myself having to focus on how often I blinked, how long each blink lasted, where my eyes darted as I spoke in various topics and how many times, how often I swallowed, how often I licked my lips or pursed them, what I did with my hands when I told the truth, and how quickly I spoke after someone if I was lying or telling the truth.

There were other things too, and DFB soon began playing an ongoing game with me at home in which I had to seamlessly slip in a lie to conversation, or to directly lie in response to a question, and he had to point out each time I did it, as well as what gave me away. If I got away with more than five in a day I got an extra piece of cake for pudding, if I failed I had to watch DFB eat the extra slice- it was torture.

I was good at getting away with telling lies in the middle of a conversation and tricked him over half the time, but when confronted with direct questions I'd not managed to slip a single one past DFB yet. Even as I got better, my blushing and increased pulse gave me away. Despite my annoyance at my inability to control that, DFB assured me that eventually it would not only go away, but I was in the highly fortunate position of having complete control over it with practice, once I learned how to direct my internal blood flow.

On top of that, both DFB and Gai designed a training schedule for me. They tried to include me in it at first, in order not to ask anything of me I didn't want to do, but soon learnt that if they suggested it to me I'd say yes. I trusted their expertise, and not to ask of me anything beyond what I could do. If that meant pushing me to an almost mind breaking limit, using ethically questionable methods... well fuck it, that was what I signed up for. I wanted to be the best I possibly could, and if the limits of my own mind was getting in the way which they knew the solution to, then there was no one I would rather have push me to the point that my body surpassed those limits.

Before my physical exercise was ramped up to insane levels, DFB first had me meditate. It was imperative that I become aware of my chakra inside my body, so that I could prevent it from reaching my eyes in situations that my subconscious mind felt it was required. It was no good putting all of our plans into practice and having them fall down around us the first time I felt almost murderously angry and my eyes turned blood red.

However, becoming aware of my chakra had me facing a truth I had been avoiding for quite some time now; I had chakra. It was stupid, and obvious and I had known all along that of course I had chakra. But actually feeling it inside me suddenly slapped me round the face with the truth that I was in some version of Naruto. I had no idea quite how much of the story was going to come true and how much of it wasn't possible or realistic in this world, or just wasn't going to happen. On one hand it would be foolish to rely on knowledge I knew to be at least partially false with my existence, on the other hand I had been shoving my head in the sand about the possibility that it was almost all true.

I had key information that had a chance of being really fucking helpful to DFB's continued survival and I was hoarding it to myself because... why? Why was I keeping this to myself? On a practical level, if I told DFB everything I knew I was certain by now that he wouldn't reveal me to anyone. On top of that, it could increase his and Gai's chances in the future, as well as the fact that by not being the only person who knew this, anyone willing to go to extremes to get the information if they discovered it had more than one target. There was a chance I would actually reduce the possibility of being targeted.

Also, DFB would have a far better idea of how much was true than I would, being more clued into what was going on behind the scenes. The only thing that had really been holding me back for some months was that I was terrified that DFB and Gai _would_ believe me, and rely on the information too much, getting themselves killed if it turned out to not _quite_ fit reality in one key aspect. I was also scared they would be able to prove most of the story to be true. As long as it was in my head it didn't feel real, and I could carry on viewing it as just a story.

The idea of people like that actually existing and coming for those I loved was terrifying to me. I was eight years behind the team 7 I knew of, and I didn't know if by the time everything actually kicked off, I'd be old enough to do anything but die or get in the way. But it wasn't just that, I had to admit to myself that I was avoiding a potential fight.

I understood why DFB was mad at me at the time when I revealed the secret I had been keeping about reincarnation. I had been allowing him to believe in a version of reality that didn't exist. It had hurt him, and screwed with his perception of family and I still felt regretful that it had hurt him when I looked back, no matter how much closer we were now. But I just didn't think I would be able to stay calm if DFB decided to get angry this time and blame me.

It was a far more uncertain situation, in which my main worry was spreading false information that would get my loved ones killed or harmed. I really didn't think there was a right answer for this one, whether I told them or not. But at the end of the day I just didn't want to keep secrets. Not from them.

Nevertheless, I spent a few days mulling the idea of telling them over in my head before I committed to doing so. Days I spent meditating on my chakra, and tentatively poking at it to get an idea of just where it was in the body.

Admittedly I probably would have become aware of my chakra much earlier if I viewed this body as anything more than a tool I could use. I wasn't... connected to it in the same way I had been to my last body. I still looked at the skin and wished it was a dusky tone, I looked at the face and wished the lips were smaller and rounder in a rose bud shape, I wished the eyebrows were thicker and darker as well as the eyelashes. I wished the body was more mature, and the wrists more slender, and the shins proportionately longer. I wished the fingers were a touch thicker and the palms larger.

I looked at my body and in the back of my mind I wanted something else, so beyond what it could do for me, or its ability to partake in cwtching with DFB, I largely didn't think about it.

As a result, when it came to feeling my chakra I struggled. It was like having part of my consciousness within my body, and in order to effectively access it one had to be connected with their body and their physical state. My difficulty still, to accept what I had as my own barred me from doing this. It wasn't impossible. It just wasn't easy. It wasn't made any easier by the sheer amount of Yin chakra compared to Yang chakra I had.

With Yin chakra being of the mind, coming from experience and imagination and studying. Well... truthfully things had been a bit odd there. After some discussion, DFB came up with the hypothesis that part of the reason I had shown up as having an average amount of chakra for a one year old when I was first tested, was that I had been so depressed at the time.

With my mental degradation, the amount of Yin chakra I produced, while still more than Yang, was very small. It was an interesting hypothesis, and something I thought more studies should be done around, the idea that depression could actually reduce the amount of Yin chakra produced, and perhaps other mental issues. I had my own suspicions by then on how DFB might have access to the ability to get stronger to such a drastic degree. He most definitely hadn't been entirely mentally healthy for some time, and Gai and I could clearly see how much he had improved since taking on being a parent. It was something to keep in mind at least.

Either way, for me at least, as I got better and started talking about my stuff and opening up, my Yin chakra production had shot up. The same amount of time that DFB had spent learning to be and living as a shinobi, I had spent studying, reading, learning. I wasn't super intelligent, but I wasn't of average intelligence either.

Truthfully, throughout my entire time at school I had put in about sixty percent effort and still managed to get top marks. I had also been increasingly bored. I probably could have learnt so much more and done much better, but I had so rarely been challenged, and classes had always gone too slowly for me. The only exceptions had been maths and physics. I'd worked hard for my maths skills, and I'd never been bored in physics because my teacher was okay with me falling asleep at the start every class until the last five minutes when I'd copy down the notes of the person sitting next to me.

But regardless, for me, that meant the moment my mental health was back to somewhere near where it should be, my Yin chakra absolutely dwarfed my Yang chakra. It was something that made it even more difficult for me to 'get in touch' with the chakra of my body. This...wasn't great, since it was my Yang chakra that was so important for my Kekkei Genkai.

Nevertheless, with patience and practice, I wrestled my internal chakra under my control (a little bit), and learnt how it flowed around my eyes, so that I could be sure not to allow too much of it to focus there and activate my dōjutsu. It was only after I succeeded in this, that I was allowed to start training properly with DFB and Gai.

I took the small gap in between succeeding in one task and starting the other, to stop being a fucking wimp and just tell them that they made awesome anime characters in my old world. Honestly I dreaded being the one to tell DFB about Obito.

* * *

 _Sooo she's telling them. I have no idea what is going to happen as a knock on effect of this. We'll see._

 _What do you guys think the reaction will be from both men to the existence of the manga/anime? How do you think Sonaru will come to accept her own body?_

 _What do you think of the beginnings of Sonaru's training and step 1 of their solution to keep her safe by basically giving her a double life_ _?_


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So I've received a lot of mixed messages regarding the reveal. I was a little concerned about disappointing anyone, but if it was me i genuinely wouldn't be happy keeping this to myself for long. Nevertheless the risk of the secrets getting out is a genuine concern.

This is just a short one, since I'm on a weekend holiday break with family at the mo. Also, I want Sonaru to be basically profficient in some shinobi shit which will be the next part of the story. However, after that, since I'm getting a little bored of the slow pace myself, I'm gonna yank it off the rails and see where it goes.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions of fics to read and anime to watch for research about blood limits and shinobi politics! I'll be sure to check some of those out and make some notes!

As always, no editing, and English spoken is underlined 

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 26 - I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away**

"So I have another shitty secret that I didn't plan to tell you at first but I changed my mind please don't be mad because I don't entirely think I deserve anger for this one but it's still really bothering me because I don't like having secrets from you," Sona wheezed as she impressively blurted that all out in one breath.

Gai and Kakashi blinked at her nonplussed for a moment, where they were sitting on opposite sides on a shogi board. Kakashi, who was sitting on Sona's side, since technically she was the one playing, and he was just trying to mitigate the damage a little so she wasn't trounced too badly, was the first one to decipher the rushed sentence.

He deflated in exasperation, "another one? Tell me this one won't be as life altering as the last one."

Sona grinned innocently at him and gave a nervous laugh, "you know what? On second thoughts never mind."

Kakashi feigned a casual light hearted demeanour, "no, no, go on. Do tell. I can't wait to question everything I thought I knew about my life again."

"Tell us your most Youthful secret beautiful blossom! Sharing a heavy burden between such close companions will lighten the load, and breath life in your flames! There are no true secrets between us, proven by how comfortably I shed light on the pain in my rectum caused by-"

Both of them quickly slammed palms over their ears.

"No! No, there's really no need to repeat that... charming piece of very personal information with us. Thank you, Gai," Sona interrupted.

He gave a gleaming grin and a thumbs up, which she weakly returned. Kakashi cleared his throat pointedly, and gave her a meaningful look.

"So, you decided to share what I hope is your last relevant secret with us."

She nodded her head frantically in reply, "I swear this is the last one that had anything to do with either of you."

He gave a sigh and waved his hand at her, "go on, then. Let's get this over with."

She bit the inside of her lip, and fiddled with her toes, looking distinctly uncomfortable. Kakashi saw her barely suppressing the fear and anxiety that he knew was causing her pulse to pick up, and he wanted to comfort her, but resisted in case he gave her false hope and became angry the moment she told him what she had hidden.

"Right... in my old world there was fictional entertainment, like there is here."

Well that certainly wasn't where Kakashi expected things to start.

"You should probably know that there was a lot more fiction in my old world than this one. Movies, shorter episodes that showed every week following a plot, comic books, books, theatre and cartoons.

"As I've explained before, there was a place which I'm fairly certain spoke either the same language as is spoken here, or at least something very similar to it. They created some very well known stories. This place bore the most resemblance to the Elemental Nations culturally... I think. I don't know, I never went."

He honestly had no idea where she was going with this, and couldn't even begin to imagine how this was relevant. Somehow he knew this was going to be absurd. She fidgeted restlessly, and he knew Sona well enough to spot the urge to flee she always got during situations she was anxious in.

She paused, looking vaguely lost, as her body language got increasingly agitated, scraping her fingers through her hair and tugging at the fluffy tufts.

"Agh, I don't know how to say this. I don't even know if I... should."

She frowned to herself, and bit the inside of her lip as she thought, before she glanced up at both Gai and Kakashi with an alarmingly piercing, serious look. She took a deep breath and let it go and then continued in a slow, measured tone.

"Through slightly unbelievable and unlikely circumstances in my last life, knowledge about the Elemental Nations became very publicly well known- with a particular focus on Konoha. This information was believed to be fantastical and part of an enjoyable tale. There are... things... I know about the Elemental Nations and Konoha as a result which could potentially hold a lot of truth."

Kakashi's brain halted for a moment in complete shock. He struggled to fully understand the deeper implications of her words, so stuck on the basic idea of important information about Konoha being leaked from an uncontrolled source into another world.

For less than a second Kakashi entertained the idea that Sona was sent into this knew life on purpose to collect more knowledge, but quickly dismissed it, the moment he had a look at any of her behaviour.

Before he or Gai could say anything, she put her hand up to stop them.

"Just let me get everything out into the open first before you decide you want to know what I know. First of all, I think it's become fairly apparent that I have no expertise in shinobi matters. I don't know shit about what's going on currently out there in the world. So I couldn't tell you how much of what I knew in my old life is the same as what's here now. What I know could just bear a superficial resemblance, or it could almost be exactly the same.

"I didn't tell you before now, mostly because I was terrified of you confirming a lot of what I was telling you, and believing me. Only to find out too late that something's different here and getting yourself hurt or killed. But also because if what I know is true... to put it this way; considering it was a fictional tale written by someone who wanted their story to sell well, what sort of people and situations do you think it took a good long look at?"

She gave a grim smile at the dawning realisations on both Gai and Kakashi's faces.

"Yeah, some very dangerous people with some very dangerous secrets and pasts that they would not want anyone knowing. People with plots and plans. The typical cast of good guys and bad guys. Traitors, and spies, and liars, and very very high stakes. As long as I kept this to myself, if it all turned out to be accurate to this world, there was less chance of someone who had an annoying ability to get into other people's heads dragging the information out of anyone.

So, knowing that what I know could be almost entirely incorrect, or only partially correct, or almost all correct, and I won't know which of these for many years to come, if ever. Considering that what I know, in some people's hands, could spell the end of not only Konoha, but the Elemental Nations. Understanding that if you have this knowledge yourself, you need to recognise that it's _not_ about the hidden village you're both entirely loyal to, but about all the hidden villages- if you choose to act on it, it may well have to be for the benefit of a village other than Konoha, it may be actions perceived traitorous to Konoha. Do you really want me to tell you?"

Kakashi watched the elevated pulse underneath Sona's neck, and knew better than to dismiss her. He wasn't sure if he entirely believed her, but he was willing to at least give her the benefit of the doubt. No, deep down he did believe her, he just didn't _want_ to. His little family was already at enough risk without this.

As a shinobi he wouldn't throw away this source of potential information, and was already noting the fortuitous circumstances of Sona being in Konoha, and loyal to Kakashi. However, the parent in him just wanted this to happen someone other than Su-chan. He didn't want his most precious person to have kept something so big from him for so long again. He didn't want to feel disappointed. He didn't want to feel so at the mercy of forces outside of his control.

He pushed all this aside for the moment, and before Gai could jump in with both feet, dragging Kakashi down with him, he asked her, "I want to know how immediately crucial you would guess this information to be."

She hesitated and slowly answered, "I don't really know. If you want to do anything about what I know, more time would be better, but in terms of immediate urgency, not for some years probably."

"You're certain that no one in your world was aware of the reality of Konoha and the Elemental Nations?" He checked, still concerned with information breaches.

"Well yeah, as certain as I can be. The original story idea and plot came from one man as far as I know."

"Perhaps this most Youthful writer was once a shinobi of Konoha, as our most beautiful blossom was once a civilian of that world!" Gai enthusiastically claimed.

She visibly pondered over idea, looking dubious, "I guess it's possible. I have a hard time believing a shinobi would become a manga writer once they were reborn but... I suppose shinobi have all sorts of quirks they could indulge more in during a second life. But still... there were a fair few plot holes in the original story. If someone had actually lived it I don't see why they would include those, unless he was trying to brush over circumstances he didn't actually know all that much about because he wasn't around during them. I don't know. I can't confirm or deny that."

Despite Sona's reluctance to believe in that theory, it made more sense to Kakashi than this all being one giant coincidence that someone who happened to be in a world in which Konoha was fiction was reborn into a world where it was all real.

"Unless this was the work of greater powers," - the likes of which Kakashi had never particularly paid much thought to, and he knew that Sona didn't exactly believe in.

Predictably, she looked sceptical as she commented, "What, and that I'm here for a reason? Bullshit. There were far more qualified men and women to be reborn into a world of killers and chakra and war. There were less mentally fragile people. There were people who were more knowledgeable about the tale. There was nothing about me that made me a more suitable choice to be reborn here from a world that knew about the story. I had done nothing wonderfully special in my last life to be here, and currently I have just as much chance of accidentally helping to bring this place burning to the ground than to help prevent that.

"Shit, I didn't even know the whole story before I died! I had it playing on a computer in the background while I intensively studied. I can promise you there are probably really important bits that I missed or forgot entirely."

It was Sona's expression that Kakashi noticed the most- it radiated irritation with herself, looking upset and worried and above all _weary._ She looked so burdened with all the possibilities that her knowledge had. It was finally understanding the weight that she had carried in her with this, that made him realise why she had told them despite her admittance at the start that she initially had no intentions of doing so.

"You didn't make this decision entirely rationally, did you?" He asked gently. She prided herself on being mostly logical in her choices, only resorting to emotional reasoning when the rational choice was making her feel too overwhelmed and stressed.

She huffed, looking slightly rueful, "not at all. Like I said, I don't like keeping secrets from you guys and this felt like a huge one. It was eating at me. Also... I'm not a shinobi. It became really obvious to me listening to you both plan together that there's so much I don't know. You're both far more practiced and learned than me at this. It felt almost arrogant keeping this to myself when you could probably do so much more with it than I could.

"It would be ignorant of me to think I was the only one who could keep this safe from others. Three heads are better than one and at the end of the day there's no one I trust more than you two. Maybe this will turn out to be a mistake even saying shit out loud, and it will get out to the wrong people... but I don't think I could make myself regret trusting you. It feels too good."

"Don't tell us," he immediately commanded, before she could let anything more slip. He could see her falter, clearly not having expected that from him. Out the corner of his eye, he could see Gai also look surprised.

"Whether it turns out to be completely false or not, obviously you think what you know to be of utmost importance. I'd guess SS ranked. I would love to be able to support you in this Su-chan, but if it's true, the sanctity of those details are far more important. I'm not saying I don't want to know eventually, but I think a way needs to be devised to prevent unscrupulous individuals from stealing this knowledge under unexpected circumstances. Until then, I'll have to ask that you keep it to yourself."

She looked understandably disappointed, before her brow furrowed in confusion, "but... I'm just a civilian. You're both really highly qualified Jōnin. And... I've hidden this for years now."

"You may be a civilian still, beautiful blossom. But we trust you as you trust us. My Eternal Rival is correct. Keep this safe in your mind."

"Make no mistake, Sona, I'm not pleased. But I'm far from unfamiliar with withholding information from trusted people due to its sensitive nature. Whatever the contents of what you know, or think you know, I'm not angry at that. I'm more unhappy with the existence of a secret such as this at all. Your safety is already at risk, and I'm frustrated that there's more out there than even my cautious estimates had planned for.

As for ensuring continued secrecy, I could create a seal based off of one I'm already familiar with. Perhaps reverse engineer it so the new one isn't quite so restrictive or harsh. It would take some time though. Until then you'll have to keep it to yourself, and tell us only if anything is urgent."

They watched with some regret at she seemed to sag back under the weight of the secrets she carried, but didn't amend what they had told her. They trusted Sona to give them an accurate idea of how important what she knew was, and they trusted her to be the holder of the knowledge until a later date.

There was a lost veil over her eyes, and he felt some guilt over the burden she had clearly hoped to be rid of. But at the end of the day, she wasn't a child, as much as she fit well- for an adult- into that role. He knew she was strong enough to be solely responsible for some time longer.

Despite not knowing the details himself, he could practically feel the blade hanging even closer to his neck than before. It was like a timer that was counting down and it had an even lower number on it than he had thought. He didn't know what was coming for them, but more than ever he remembered what Sona had said to him - the main goal was for their family to stick together, and anything more than that was an even greater gain than intended.

"You know what this means my beautiful blossom!" Gai boomed with a manic glint to his eyes, "your extremely Youthful training shall have to be filled with even more Flaming Youth and Hard Work than before!"

Kakashi wasn't too annoyed at Sona for keeping this secret from them, honestly. But deep down, a part of him couldn't help but find a little satisfaction at the pale, daunted look on her face, before she drooped in resignation.

"Fine. I'm going to be so exhausted from this won't I?" She sighed.

When she made eye contact with him, mildly beseeching, and received nothing but an unrepentant eye smile in reply, she mustered her energy with a begrudging groan and a hair yank, and then laughed ruefully, "fuck it. Go for it, assholes."

* * *

 _I hope this satisfies you wonderful buttmunches, for those who wanted the secret out and those who didn't._

 _What do you think about the compromise? Do you think Kakashi approached this correctly?_


	27. Chapter 27

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Hey guys! Sorry about the wait, I've been ill, and I'm also on holiday with Grandparents and cousins at the mo. Plus my life is in a bit of a transition period so updates are less likely to be as regular as they were.

This was a bit of a pre chapter on Sonaru learning how to kick butt. I probably won't end up going into too great detail about learning how to physically fight, because my strengths lie in writing about human interaction and personal development. That said, expect it to at least feature quite strongly for the next section, so her abilities read as hard fought for, rather than appearing out of no where.

Also an early heads up, the section afterward is going to be a bit darker than what's come before, and may well boost that rating back up to M.

While I was ill I posted a fair few of my chapter 1s/2s for other stories that I'll be slowly working on over time so check those out if you want to. Some I like, some are a bit meh currently. I hope at some point or dedicate enough time to all of them to make them something worth reading.

This is unedited so beware.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 27 - Worn To The Bones**

There were really only a handful of situations that brought out serious levels of visible aggression in me. The first one was when I thought someone was trying to overtly control me based upon their personal (flawed) perception of the world - well meaning or not. An example of this that I saw to be one of the most common was interference in non abusive relationships from friends and family, based upon a personal idea of what someone's relationship is supposed to be.

The second reason was when I thought someone was treating me in a way I had no desire to be treated based upon prejudice. Honestly, I had little to say if someone was treating me differently due to prejudice, but it fit neatly into my own desires. In the reverse situation, however, I didn't grow angry per se, but vicious. Into this category fell clearly unwanted sexual advancements, or comments about the way I dressed, or any expectations that fell upon me due to factors that had little to do with who I was, and other people were not asked to conform to.

The third reason was in defence of my loved ones. Emotionally, physically, financially. If I thought someone was targeting my family to hurt them, I became the most aggressive side myself. My morals were happily thrown out the window, and any empathy I had for those who stood in my way or tried to hurt family disappeared. I did questionable things on their behalf, whether they would have wanted me to or not, and I was unapologetic about it.

The last reason I became aggressive was when I physically pushed my body during exercise. Not just any sort, but exercise that had an obvious purpose beyond getting fit. It was a different sort of aggression than during the other situations. It was also passion, and joy and more an aggression toward myself than anything else. I loved the ache, the burn, the pounding blood, the satisfaction of reaching a goal, the curiosity of just how much I could take, the feel of the wind buffeting my face and hair, the sensation of my muscles pulling and stretching, the increased control of exactly what my limbs could do, and the buzzing afterward in my body of the increased oxygen rushing through my blood. I loved throwing my body around, knowing I could trust it to do what I needed it to. I loved the bruises and the cuts, and the damages it took, I loved the tightening and bulking and toning that occurred over time.

* * *

If I thought we were going to start off reasonably light and ease me into the heavier stuff, I was completely wrong. Thankfully I had done my best to remove most expectations beyond 'this is going to be gruelling' from my thoughts. I had underestimated the amount of training DFB and Gai had snuck into my time with them already, to keep me flexible, to increase endurance, to build strength, to improve balance and speed, and likely various other things that bypassed me entirely.

Although DFB had more time than Gai to put toward my physical training, Gai was ultimately in charge of it. As someone who had had to work and scrape for every bit of skill he had, contrasting with DFB's far more instinctual talent, it became quickly apparent that Gai could break down the steps for me, whereas DFB hadn't ever worked with someone starting from scratch.

DFB reminded me of me, funnily enough, trying to explain a concept to someone that I found so easy and they just didn't seem to get. I had known since I was a young teenager that I didn't have a future in teaching, I was far too impatient, and I got frustrated easily when I perceived someone as being too slow. DFB at least, had far more patience than I did. It also helped that as soon as I had recognised our similarities toward teaching, I began asking the questions I needed, in order to puzzle out the answers myself.

Whereas Gai would hand everything I needed to me without requiring any prompting, with DFB I catered my learning style to the fact that he often didn't know what I would or wouldn't just automatically understand.

Training under both men was... completely exhausting, and yet completely thrilling. I loved learning from the two people I loved, such key parts of their lives. It was the most straining and tiring thing I had ever done, working six days a week from morning to evening, pushing and pushing and pushing myself all the time, to my limits.

It was only a few days in, with Gai booming over me, as I heaved a bag filled with small rocks on my back, and jogged up an incline, that I realised just how different this body was compared to my last one. It was like it had been designed to _move_. It just kept going and going and going long past what I was sure a physical two year old body should be able to take. It recovered faster, and gained strength faster, and muscle memory set in faster, and calluses built faster.

It just performed _better_ in every way. I had simultaneously never appreciated the body I had been landed in more, and never felt more alienated from it. It was so different from my original body, and there was no way I could even begin to convince myself otherwise, as I improved at a terrifying rate.

I ran up and down stairs, I heaved weighted objects on my back, or dragged behind me, I did pull ups, and push ups, and sit ups, and jumps, I crawled on my hands and knees, and up walls without rope. I heaved my body into balanced and muscle straining positions and held it there for aching minutes. I sprinted over greater and greater distances, and learned to throw and catch with greater accuracy and speed and with less warning to improve reflexes. I was taught how to fall safely from different heights, angles and speeds.

Even during breaks, I was given pieces of string to create shapes and patterns with between my fingers, or had games of shogi and go, or at my own suggestion learnt how to first use chopsticks and then increasingly fiddly or heavy tasks with my toes and feet.

My morale undoubtedly took a battering over the first few weeks. It wasn't just physical exhaustion- the fact that my body and limbs wouldn't stop trembling and aching, the fact that I was bruised in all the most sensitive places and couldn't sleep or even eat comfortably, the inability to move without limping despite being asked to run in that state, the disconnect I felt in my jelly limbs right down to my bones, the feeling of nausea and hunger that made meal times so difficult. Those were all incredibly challenging to deal with, of course, but what got to me the most was the knock on effects it all had on my mentality.

I was emotionally exhausted, mentally wrung out, all the more from knowing that this was not a temporary thing. I signed up to this as a way of life. This was never going to end. It's one thing knowing you're pushing your body to limits, and another knowing you'll have to do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day and almost every day after that. I couldn't sleep right, I was groggy, I was over emotional from not knowing if I was hungry or sick, I was in pain all the time that I knew wasn't going away. My days were dogged by two people I wanted to impress and have the approval of, making the pressure to get up and keep going all the more prevalent.

Although I was helped by the fact that I hadn't started from a point of unfitness, but had been at a very healthy state, working to move my body from 'healthy' to 'deadly', rather than from 'sloth' which was what would have been the case had I been inside my original body. Nevertheless, it wasn't easy. I was basically in a gruelling boot camp- a permanent one.

I couldn't put into words how much I appreciated and loved Gai and DFB for doing this for me, for honouring me with their time and their dedication to whip me into something that could protect myself. But also at times I felt like I fucking hated them, when I had barely caught my breath, and my chest burned, and my muscles wouldn't move, and everything hurt so much, but they stood over me anyway telling me to get up and keep moving.

The only thing that kept me going at times, when I just wanted to flop to the floor and tell them both to fuck right off, was the aggression- when DFB looked at me and expected me to give up, or Gai cheerfully grinned at me like I wasn't in agony, when they thought I couldn't take it any more mentally and let me know in subtle or not so subtle ways that that was what they thought, or when they thought I should be able to take more and more and more like what I was already doing wasn't fucking miraculous for a physical two year old, in those moments all I had to keep me going was what my Mother had called my 'fuck you'.

It was a 'fuck you' anger that dominated my thoughts and pushed me past that wall each time, a raging 'fuck you for underestimating me like I'm less than I am' a 'fuck you for withholding your praise for what I'm doing, I'll show you something you can't possibly dismiss' a 'fuck this world that will only ever look at my small body and face and think I'm cute' a 'fuck this limited body, I'll _make_ it do as I want it to'.

I raged, when there was nothing left, to get me back up and moving, until it petered off into something more peaceful, where the pain was numbed, and my body just kept going despite my inability to feel it any more, where my breath scraping itself out my raw lungs, dry throat, and frothy mouth rang in my ears, but also felt like something separate from me entirely.

When the day was over, and I collapsed into a sweaty pile- Gai having gone home after effusive praise to my dedication and hard work- DFB would scrape me off the ground with quiet reassurances that I had done well, and take me home. There, he would feed me because I couldn't move my fingers without shaking to pick up the chopsticks myself, afterward I would strip down and he would carefully examine me to make sure I didn't damage myself too badly. Once he had confirmed my well-being, he would wash my limp form, and soak me in a bath, during which DFB massaged the worst of the aches with sure experienced hands. Lying half unconscious, each night I was semi aware of the herb smelling creams and ointments that were heated and rubbed into my muscles after I was dry, during which I would fall asleep, often in the midst of sleepy murmured conversation that I could barely remember the next morning, when he woke me up to restart all over again.

During more than one morning, or night, during those first sleep deprived, pain filled weeks, my emotional state had me in short bouts of overwhelmed tears. At first DFB wanted to scale everything back, so that I wasn't being pushed so far, but after a tearful conversation- in which I was assured that my body would adapt reasonably soon to eat and sleep properly- I assured him in turn that the tears would pass and I would also mentally adapt. He learnt to just quietly hold me close for a short while, giving my back a rub, and encourage me to continue on despite the exhausted sobs.

The days mostly blurred together at first, only Gai and DFB holding my schedule and life together, as I got lost in a fugue of barely making it. Although they did throw a few mental exercises in here or there, my performances in them dived drastically thanks to fatigue. I gained a new appreciation all over again, at a shinobi's ability to think so calculatingly and be so physically superior at the same time.

No wonder these people dedicated their entire lives to it- considering there was simply no time to do anything else of significance- if to get to even basic competence, it took so much energy and effort. I almost understood why Gai was considered something of a monster for his sheer insane levels of fitness. If it took so much effort and time and dedication to become good, how the hell did he become the best? How the hell did DFB? It made me think that perhaps the best shinobi were not feared so much for their capability, but for the fact that most shinobi simply couldn't fathom how they had gotten there- so much better than everyone else when everyone was working so goddam hard already.

* * *

It wasn't until the first week had gone by, that I even had the time to breathe and have a look at the actual exercises I was doing. It was then that I came the embarrassingly overdue realisation that I wasn't being taught how to fight by either of them yet. I left it for another few days, before eventually I couldn't withhold my tired curiosity anymore and asked DFB after dinner why this was so.

As I half lay against him, sat by the table, he absentmindedly rubbed my joints and muscles and he explained to me just what it was he and Gai were doing.

"The Hatake have never been a large clan, but the reason why we have been given such respect is that although our numbers have always been small, each and every shinobi from our clan has achieved a level of notoriety and excellence. Part of this has undoubtedly been due to good genes, but not all. The shinobi clans have their own shinobi techniques that they pass down the generations, often including katas and fighting styles. These katas and fighting styles... in some ways they hold the knowledge and history of an individual clan. They are filled with wisdom and in order to truly understand the style, one must understand that knowledge within it.

"Whilst the Hatake clan is the same, and I will be teaching you this, it's also different. With our small numbers, each Hatake child was able to have their parents cater their training uniquely to them. I will be teaching you the clan way of fighting. You know I'm called the Copy Nin, for my use of sharingan to copy jutsus, but what you probably don't know is that part of the reason I'm so good at applying what I copy to my fighting style is that it is was already the Hatake way."

I was riveted as he spoke softly, with a slightly melancholy tone. I often forgot that although I was still Sona Indrani Ray, I was also Hatake Subaru. With emphasis on the Hatake. DFB's history was my history. His ancestors were my ancestors. His clan was my clan. It was a struggle for me to wrap my head around, when much of the time I felt like I was only linked to the Hatake clan because DFB carried that name, and claimed me as family. It generally didn't click that I was a Hatake in my own right. I belonged as part of a clan, with a past, and a reputation, and teachings. I was part of something beyond my little family of three.

Listening to DFB as he talked of passing on the Hatake shinobi teachings to me, as my birth right, was eye opening.

"The Hatake fighting style doesn't work so well by itself. It was designed to incorporate other fighting styles into it, in order to cater to each individual Hatake's physical strengths and weaknesses. Cunning, the ability to evolve and adapt the way we fight using what both our enemies and our allies use, to be flexible and changeable in our techniques. To fight like a Hatake requires a level of tactical thinking and intelligent fighting that I intend to teach you from day one. I have no doubt you are capable of this, but not as you are.

"My training by my own dad was very intense when I was young. After my mum died, it was one of the few things we had together. He was a single dad and he didn't know how to relate to me other than through the clan teachings- as a shinobi. He loved me very much, but he had relied on my mum to do the day to day parenting. As a result, all he did when we spent time with each other, was teach me the clan techniques. I was naturally gifted anyway, and as a result, I learned fast.

"What he was... unable to give me in time, I learnt from the Hatake archives as best I could, once I became a Jōnin. I can't say with certainty that I can reproduce an authentic Hatake shinobi training, but I have enough to go off of, that I can give you something similar.

"Your training is intended to be even more intense than mine was. In order to learn the clan techniques as early as possible, you need to be able to _think_ at the same time as you fight. Your body needs to know what to do under any given situation, leaving your head free to work separately. The Hatake are often lauded as geniuses, because academy students and Genin are taught to understand exactly how their katas apply in real scenarios- how one move manoeuvres their opponent, the exact damage it does, and which action to take next- you'll be taught that far earlier, to the point that you don't need to give it a moment's thought. This will allow you to turn your mind to on the spot tactics. Thinking in high pressure scenarios. The extent that the Hatake clan succeeded at this was what allowed our shinobi such a strong reputation.

"With the plan to step up your training, you need to be physically and mentally capable of high intensity exercise with a clear mind. You're not currently at that point, and so Gai and I are getting you up to scratch. We're trying to get you to a mental state as fast as possible, that most shinobi in training today are slowly introduced to over a period of years. I would predict, at your current rate, that this will only take a month or two."

The glimpse I received into this idea of the Hatake being almost intellectual fighters, and yet not being like Naras at all, fascinated me. It also appealed greatly to me. I was a thinker, a plotter and planner, undoubtedly. That I was being taught to fight so that I could do so on the fly would have excited me if I had any spare energy to be excited.

DFB wasn't wrong about my mental capabilities though. It was barely noticeable at first, when I couldn't keep track of the days and was suffused in a constant tiring ache on multiple levels- to the point that my very mind felt like it might fall out of my head at any given minute. But eventually I actually had the energy to put some effort into the conversations with DFB and Gai in between exercise. It wasn't much initially, but it was like I had broken through a barrier after a few weeks, and even as the distances grew longer that I had to run, the heights higher to climb, the weights heavier to lift, and the stretches seemingly more impossible, my ability to catch my breath and think afterward got better and quicker.

My muscles still ached, and I was still physically drained, but I could sleep through that with greater ease, and my body seemed to have adjusted to the change in pace, allowing my hunger to come and go when it was appropriate. During games of Go and shogi, I could actually take the time to come up with something approaching tactics. As my mental faculties returned, so did short reading and writing lessons in English for DFB and Gai, as well as speaking lessons for Gai- which mostly consisted of DFB and I speaking solely in English as Gai learned and practiced.

My mental recovery from the extreme exercise got shorter and shorter in what felt like far too great a length of time, as well no time at all. This ability to grasp a clear mind began to creep into the exercise itself without my realising, until suddenly I found myself light heartedly teasing both DFB and Gai the moment I got my breath back, and hampered almost entirely by my physical tiredness, rather than mental exhaustion.

It was just shy of a week after the first month had passed, during which I had watched, nearly disturbed, as my body just got better and better at being pushed to the limits- which just kept getting shoved further- with no sign of slowing down or stopping, that DFB and Gai explained to me that I was finally ready to learn how to fight.

By that point, I had some basic understanding that they weren't just talking about _fighting_ when they said that to me. They thought I was ready to learn how to wield weapons, and martial arts, how to fight with my mind at the same time as my body, how to take someone apart with my eyes far before I had done so with my fists, how to survive in the wild, how to go undetected, how to steal and lie and deceive, what the rules were and how to break them. That and so much more. Apparently, I was ready to learn how to be a shinobi.

* * *

 _I hope that mental clarity fighting thing made sense. It did in my head. Not sure how it translated. Also, again, I am not knowledgeable about fighting or the experience of learning/teaching it, so I'm mostly making this shit up, apologies if it's entirely inaccurate and has zero basis in reality._

 _BTW for those who may think that time period of learning clear mindedness in about a month is unrealistic compared to the years the others take, remember, Kakashi specifies that theyre taught slowly, and as part of a class, which will inevitably stretch shit out considerably. Plus she is a Hatake, there's a level of just physically nailing it quickly I'm going to allow her._

 _Anywho, next chap or the one after she's going to be introduced to some of Kakashis more trusted shinobi buddies. Who should it be first? Genma_ _? Tenzo?_


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

no editing so good luck with that.

English speaking is underlined like this

A reminder that I know fuck all about fighting or martial arts. Apologies if what I wrote has zero basis in anything approaching reality.

Also I know I said Sonaru would meet Tenzo or Genma this chap or last, but I promise it'll happen next chapter. I'm fairly sure I know which person it'll be.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 28 - A Kick To The Teeth Is Good For Some**

At 5 foot 2 inches in my original body, constantly struggling not to let my weight dip too far under seven stone, and growing up permanently drastically smaller than the vast majority of my age mates, I learned that if I was going to get into a physical altercation I had to know exactly how I was going to end it before I had even begun. I had to put my opponent down fast, or make the fight not worth the effort for them by making it clear they'd walk away with far too much damage. Fear and psychological tactics were my go to weapons, as someone who had not been fit or practiced enough for the speed and reflexes to challenge a larger opponent. Other people larger than me had the luxury of throwing their weight around in a fight to prove dominance, unlike me. My strikes had to be aimed to do real damage or I was fucked. There was little concept of honour in the way I fought - I couldn't afford to be that generous.

I hadn't struck out in blind anger at someone since I was a temperamental young child - if I made a move to physically lash out, it became apparent that I was willing to take it as far as I needed and knew exactly what I was doing. It made my peers highly wary of my anger or even my strong disapproval, but thankfully not frightened of me - I was not prone to anger strong enough to motivate more than words from me, and I generally didn't care enough about other people to intervene with more than words either.

I could count on my hands the number of times I had personally physically hurt someone on purpose past the age of eleven - the thing was, so could other people because when I did so, the incidents had a tendency to sear themselves into their memories. I wasn't sure what it was exactly that made _my_ acts of violence so disquieting to them. Perhaps it was my tendency to amiably warn people exactly what I was going to do if they didn't desist whatever action was bothering me, before striking as fast as I could and then retreating while they were still in shock.

Perhaps it was the fact that it always became apparent afterward that I had calculated which authority figures could be approached to make me face the consequences and exactly how I would wriggle out of them if they were told. My utter lack of remorse or sympathy for their resulting pain or suffering, but also my lack of desire to brag. I walked away unruffled by the violent encounters. Maybe my willingness to cripple them if they came after me came across in my demeanour, maybe my general lack of grudge and immediate openness to let bygones be bygones if I knew further encounters were inevitable disturbed them.

Maybe it was something else. I didn't know, and I'd never asked. All I knew was that it only took a while of exposure to me in a relaxed setting, before people generally had me pinned as someone who was willing to kill if I deemed that to be the most advantageous route forward, but still found themselves disarmed and charmed by my polite, slightly cheeky, quiet and mostly non judgemental interactions.

This all suited me fine, in the life I had been living -one in which I was a part of a society that condemned killing and murder, where I could potentially live my entire life without facing a deadly threat, where I didn't _need_ to be physically up for killing a bigger stronger man with my bare hands, where perhaps the most responsible choice for someone like me (who was far too tempted) was to not allow myself to reach a point that I knew (physically and intellectually) how to take someone out by myself at a whim and get away with it, where the best way for me to continue to function as a citizen in said society was to give myself no choice but to avoid situations in which I could morally accept killing, by not allowing myself to be physically up to par.

I had to accept that not even too deep down, a part of me was viscerally satisfied that I had been reborn into a world in which killers were dime a dozen, and aspiring to be one of the best at it was perfectly okay according to this society. A large part of me was morbidly curious at what I would become with such a constant ability at my fingertips.

* * *

Admittedly, I knew very little about the art of fighting. I had picked up some nuggets of information here and there in my time with DFB and Gai, but it was actually surprisingly little considering how often I hung around when they trained. It was like sitting next my dad and mother for years and years as they drove - I definitely picked up the bare basics of driving a car, but that in no way translated to me being able to actually do it myself.

The first thing I learned, was that there were three different types of learning to fight. There was competitive fighting, which was more like a sport, and was the sort of martial arts I knew about; where the goal was reaching the next level and winning that trophy or medal and frankly I fucking hated. That sort of rational behind doing things had never appealed to me, I didn't like learning music in order to get to the next grade, I didn't like swimming in order to compete, I didn't like fighting in order to get the trophy. Dedicating myself to something for that had always felt... hollow. The victories felt paltry and pointless, the practice felt pressured, the journey wasn't treasured. It felt like a race to the top and had been the reason for me quitting a lot of those hobbies and refusing to start others.

The second type was learning purely to survive and win in battle. It was brutal, and deadly. The best teachers had the most survivors, and that was basically that. Well, no, it wasn't, there was more to it than that - it explored fighting on a deeper and more serious level than competitive fighting because you knew your life depended on it. But it was certainly as much a tool for survival as it was a way of life.

The third way was the one that appealed to me the most, and it was the spiritual aspect. The third method of fighting took the second one and then, in my eyes, morphed it into something beautiful. If the second one was a way of life, the third was a Way of life. It was a Path, where on the journey you were guaranteed to transform fundamentally, where you learned about yourself, your mind, your spirit, your body, as well as how to fight. It was a way of learning which never had an end, and mastery was only the beginning. I had always wanted to learn something to that depth, to the point that it became part of my identity. I had always visualised living like that as the best way for me to leave the depression that repeatedly haunted me and the anxiety I persistently carried behind.

DFB explained to me, that most of the time, it was what gave the clans such a great advantage over the others, outside of blood limits. Most clans had something approaching a Path, having turned the shinobi arts into something with far greater depth. Certainly, some were more inclined toward the spiritual aspect of learning how to fight, and some more toward the more brutal battle fighting of the second type, but generally the clans had a mixture of the two. In contrast, non clan kids were stuck with learning the stripped bare, simplified methods of fighting purely to survive in life or death scenarios.

The Hatake clan was often an even mixture of the two, according to DFB, however because each individual had such unique and bespoke training, within the clan itself there could be a lot of variation from person to person. For a long time, DFB had leaned more toward fighting in order to thrive in battle than toward anything spiritual, but shortly after he reached Jōnin, he began to take a look at adding something with greater meaning into the way he approached being a shinobi.

I knew, from what he had told me, that a lot of this included adopting what he knew of Uchiha Obito's spirit into his own methods of being a shinobi, in order to emulate and honour him. I also knew I wanted to do something similar - not because I gave a shit about Uchiha Obito, but because I loved DFB and I wanted to be like him as a shinobi. I wanted to honour what he honoured, and protect what he loved. DFB tried his best to live by Obito's words 'those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.' I would do my best to do so as well... except maybe less the first part because I really couldn't find it within myself to give much of a fuck about the rules, beyond following them so I didn't get into trouble I couldn't get out of.

My words to live by were something more like a mishmash of what my Mother had taught me, and DFB's own - 'Those who learn how to follow the rules also learn how to break them, and those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.'

DFB and Gai knew me well enough that they didn't need me to tell them that I was looking for a Way of life - a Path, more than I was looking to just survive and get promoted and be awarded accolades. I wanted fulfilment, rather than recognition. I needed not to just live a life filled with goals, and plans to reach those goals- I needed internal equilibrium. I needed to work towards a point of inner peace and sustain that. I knew that I _needed_ that spiritual aspect if I wanted to leave behind my depressive tendencies.

* * *

From day one, it was apparent that I was far more of a novice than I even thought. Apparently I didn't know how to do _anything_ right. Including the most basic shit.

"My beautiful blossom, what do you think the most important thing to ensure you're proficient in to begin with, before you even begin to practice katas?" Gai asked me, in a manner that told me I was definitely going to get the question wrong.

"I don't know... my balance?"

"Of a sort, but not the balance I assume you're referring to," DFB eye smiled as he cut in, "your internal balance is the most important shinobi art to work on first. This is achieved through breathing."

"Special breathing?" I asked uncertainly.

"Afterward, we can work on your posture," Gai added with a beam.

"Special... standing?"

So that was how I spent a couple days sitting with DFB and Gai as they corrected my breathing- breathing from my stomach, maintaining calm even breaths. Essentially I was meditating. I was forced to become aware of my breathing, and exactly how much I breathed and when, during my movements. Using various breathing techniques, DFB slowly talked me through concentrating my thoughts and focus on my chakra coils, from there becoming aware of it through my pathways, its movements and size, with greater and greater clarity, cycling my awareness throughout my entire body to see with detail where the chakra was and how it moved. I did this sitting, and then standing, and then during balances that reminded me of yoga, before they decided I could be taught to breathe correctly during katas.

At the same time, the way I stood was corrected every moment DFB or Gai saw something wrong, which was frustratingly often. Whilst they took to the breathing exercises with a calm patience, they were unapologetically demanding about my posture. I was corrected constantly. Admittedly it did lead to mild grumbling from me once or twice.

"What do you mean, it's important to stand properly? This coming from Mr Slouch? You can't be telling me you stand correctly when you permanently express how few fucks you could give with every square centimetre of your posture... oh you've got to be kidding me, you do? How? How could you have possibly perfected standing correctly to the point that you've learned how to screw around with it and still get it right? Agh why did you let me learn it wrong in the first place, you bastard."

Whilst the posture thing aggravated me, because I had to be aware of it all the time to get it right, I knew eventually I wouldn't have to even think about it, and it would just become a part of my every day life. The breathing too, I would eventually subconsciously just incorporate into the way I naturally breathed, however according to DFB, it was an area that I would always be able to improve on.

Breathing was to help me achieve a clear, calm mind. It was to help me block out pain, or add force to a strike, or focus in the middle of a fight, or magnify my awareness, or direct my attention internally with great detail.

That such a simple, taken for granted action could be so important a building block for excelling as a shinobi surprised me. According to DFB, academy kids were taught the bare basics of breathing techniques, but only some clans knew just how useful it could be and how far it could help even the most experienced Jōnin.

"What do you think the Nara are really doing when they insist on napping? They're definitely procrastinating most of the time, but they're also meditating. Breathing. Directing their focus internally. Thinking. Or maybe clearing their mind of thoughts. Different Naras do different things," DFB informed at one point.

After doing those exercises I always felt light, clean. Like my mind and my spirit had been groomed and honed.

Still correcting my posture at times, we finally approached something resembling fighting. It was more challenging that I had thought it would be, because like hell Gai and DFB allowed me to stop exercising in between it all. Between breathing and learning how to bloody stand right, I was still being worked to the bone whenever they could manage it.

Learning how to maintain a new form, with the appropriate amount of energy and force, forcing my aching legs and arms not to let me down, made me feel like I was constantly underperforming. Just because I was mentally not crying inside anymore, didn't mean that I wasn't still physically done in. It wasn't as bad as when I had first started, I knew that, but each time my body showed signs that it was recovering faster and easier, DFB and Gai kicked it up a notch to remove that.

* * *

After quitting martial arts when I was a child, once I realised I was eventually going to be made to compete at weekends which had a good chance of coinciding on the few days every other week I was supposed to see mother, I had never given too much thought to the different styles.

As a result, I didn't know how what existed in my old world compared to what I was being taught. DFB made it very clear to me from the start, that although I happily ignored the existence of other two year olds, he had noticed that I was still smaller than them. I didn't need him to explain to me further that I was destined for another life as a slim short ass. That became a problem when it came to generating the sort of physical power that other people twice my height and twice my width would be capable of when I was fully grown, let alone giving me something I could work with as a pint sized - if frighteningly proficient - toddler.

My posture and alignment when fighting became that much more important, in order to pack every single bit of force I could into my strikes. When fighting another person, without ninjutsu or genjutsu, I was told that I was going to have to get far closer to my opponent in order for them to be within my reach. The good thing about this was that once they were within my reach, I would be too close for most other opponents, and their strikes would either have far less force or not be able to get me at all. The bad thing, was that when I was in the other person's strike zone, there was a solid chance that one good hit would knock me the fuck out, or even kill me.

I had to be quicker than them, I had to have faster reflexes, I had to be better at dodging, I had to be more flexible, I had to be more relentless. Once I learned to augment my strength with chakra I was going to have to practice control like nothing else in order to be as effective as possible in strengthening my body to take more damage and give more as well.

As it was, DFB and Gai drilled me not only in katas, but in grapples, and holds, they made me repeat drills over and over again in kicking and punching specific areas they marked out on bags. I learned how important it was to have control over the distance between myself and my opponent, as well as how in doing so I could control their movements. Weight and balance and fluidity and physical connection were all so important, as I learned about not only my own movements, but other people's. It was fascinating.

If I had to take a guess, I would say that I was learning a sort of mixture of something resembling Wing Chun, but with something involving more grappling and getting incredibly physically close to the other person, as well as something more aggressive and forceful in some of the kicks and strikes. It was the speed, and blocking at the same time as striking, whilst maintaining a fluid yet steely core, that reminded me of what little I knew of Wing Chun. It was still different though, in where the strikes were aimed. I knew this was probably because I was being taught to aim for very precise pressure points, alongside places that did the most damage.

That was where the second type of fighting came in. There was a brutal, unrelenting edge to the methods I was being taught that were obvious in their use to cause death for another. It was not just a beautiful art form I was learning, I was learning how to kill and I felt it with every theoretical scenario, hold, strike and movement that DFB and Gai took me through.

There was no time to even attempt to grow an ego, or feel powerful-had I been so inclined -with the knowledge of what I was learning to do to other people though, because what I was almost immediately reminded of in a very up close, personal and repetitive manner, was that no matter how good I may or may not think I was getting DFB and Gai and every other sod out there could fuck me up in less than a second.

I was not left stood there repeating Katas, and having an instructor correct my stance or posture and move on, I wasn't learning non contact martial arts in a health and safety conscious class, I was not practicing with a sparring partner who was around my level. DFB and Gai were leagues ahead of me, probably always would be, and didn't see any reason why they should ever give me anything approaching a win when I hadn't dragged it from them with force. To put it bluntly, I got my ass handed to me. Again, and again and again and again. The amount of times by back hit the dirt, or my stomach, or my butt, or occasionally my head... I was fucking covered in bruises before long.

Any pride, or ego, or fear I might have been carrying round about not wanting to be beaten, or fail, or look bad, well that landed in the dirt too. I had to learn to scrape myself off the ground looking like shit, wipe the dirt, or sweat, or spit, or on the sometimes lucky occasion snot, off my face and carry on.

If I hadn't been somewhat inured to the pain of intense exercise already, the bruises I was left with would have left me completely unable to sleep. As it was, I was too physically shattered to do anything but fall into bed already half asleep, and blearily allow myself to be dragged from it the next morning.

The most annoying, and yet best thing about both Gai and DFB - particularly Gai - was that they knew so goddam much about Taijutsu. Every time they thought I was getting too familiar sparring or planning against a specific style and even mentality behind fighting, they switched it up on me. I got to fight against multiple different techniques without needing to find multiple different opponents. Whilst I knew I would no doubt get an even greater range if I still went out to search for others, I got more variation than any other person first starting out in Konoha. That didn't make it any less frustrating when I had gotten used to a punch in coming and went to block it, only to find out it had been something else entirely because they had switched styles, and got whacked in the stomach.

None of this was helped by the fact that even creating a style that would work for me if I only grew to the bottom of people's chests was still fucking difficult when I was only just taller than their knees. Needless to say, I suddenly understood why DFB and Gai had focussed so much on exercises that required me to jump high, and climb. I became intimately acquainted with blocking strikes above me, jumping to hit and kick at ridiculous heights, speedily using opponents like climbing frames and having no shame in aiming below the belt. Literally - because standing on the ground I couldn't reach higher than that. Turns out there were a surprising number of ways to incapacitate a man from just over two and half feet of height.

* * *

Practicing Shuriken and kunai throwing was honestly a welcome break from Taijutsu. Whilst breathing and stance was still an enforced part of it, it was something I didn't need to rely on feed back from DFB and Gai to have a guess at how I was doing. Fairly quickly, I noticed that the sneaky toy makers of Konoha had designed most of their toys made for throwing to be the same weight as either the standard Kunai or Shuriken found in most shops in Konoha. There were obviously various shapes and sizes and weights of throwing weapons found, but the most common ones weighed the same as the balls I had been throwing around for months.

The only down side that I had forgotten about being such a small person with teeny tiny hands, was how uncomfortable and difficult it was to hold something that was designed for someone with much larger hands. I constantly felt like they were a moment away from slipping out my fingers, and at first fumbled far more than I expected. Throwing weapons, I could at least say were a clear skill of mine. I started five feet away from a large board, just trying to get the blade to pierce the wood, and within a week I was easily standing five times that, hitting a much smaller round target and always hitting within the five inner rings.

Truthfully I wasn't entirely surprised. I had once told DFB that I'd never seen a deadly weapon, and I'd meant it at the time. I had also completely forgotten about the throwing knives my dad had made me practice with over and over and over again, until I could hit the target close to the centre every time. One summer when I was six he just came home with a set of throwing knives, and without any reasoning at first, told me I had to learn how to throw them accurately. Learning how to throw kunai had brought the memory rushing back to me, of standing in the heat, unhappy and wanting ice cream, with my dad standing behind me, making dissatisfied noises when I couldn't even get a single blade to stick in those first few days.

I had cried multiple times at his frustrated and harsh criticism. To my displeasure, he had refused to let me quit, and threatened me with everything from standing out all night till I got it right, to never letting me see my mother again if I didn't learn how. It wasn't until a year later and I tentatively griped at him for making me do something I thought so pointless, that he told me I could complain all I liked but he had given me a method of protecting myself that allowed me to maintain a distance between myself and the other person.

"You're so small and delicate little Queen, and you've got a big mouth on you. I don't spend time with gentle guys, but some of them sure as hell have fragile egos. I need to know you have a way of keeping them from going for you if one of them loses their heads for a moment. If that happens, you nail one of them with a throwing knife, and I promise you the rest of them will shit their pants and back off."

"What about you? Won't you do something if that happens?" I'd asked, not relishing the idea of being made to put myself on firing line like that against bigger older stronger men. He'd given me a strange look in response, knowing his answer but unwilling to admit it.

"You have to learn to protect yourself," he'd told me after a pause. I suspected then, that dad would not protect me from the real threats out there to a child, but it was one thing to suspect he wouldn't protect me from other people, and I found out not too long afterward, that it didn't prevent the feeling of deep hurt and shattered trust when it actually happened.

Nevertheless, he had been right in one thing, I had to learn to protect myself. Whatever his intentions though, he had never been good at teaching me how to do that, other than by throwing me in the deep end. DFB and Gai's dedication to getting it right in ensuring I could thrive never ceased to soften me toward them.

Even when they knocked me to the ground, or thrashed me in shogi and Go, or made me exercise till I collapsed, or ate my cake in front of me for failing to lie successfully, or kept me up when I just wanted to sleep scribbling ideas for a seal, or woke me up at sunrise to run for miles, I knew everything that DFB and Gai did was filled with loyalty and love and desire for me to protect myself - not so that they didn't have to worry about me, but so that if they ever weren't there to protect me I wasn't vulnerable without them.

It was a difference that meant the world to me; dad had known he wouldn't stand up for me so he'd wanted me to be able to rely on myself, whereas I could be the best shinobi in the world and Gai and DFB would still stand between me and danger.

* * *

 _I hope I gave a vague idea of the sort of strengths and weaknesses Sonaru will be facing here, and how Kakashi and Gai are hoping to make up for that. They don't want her to have to rely on Genjutsu or ninjutsu to supplement a weak and small body._

 _What sort of chakra nature do you want her to have? What do you think she'll focus on in terms of shinobi arts?_

 _Also, I hope this all made sense, I always worry a bit when writing about something I'm not strongly informed in._


	29. Chapter 29

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Warning; zero editing

Okay, not a training day today. A brief day off. I'm going to try not to drag out Sonaru learning the shinobi arts for too long, whilst also giving it enough detail to give you all a good understanding of her capabilities. Also I'd like her to know Genma before the next darker segment. I think I'm going to introduce them in Genma's POV, or would you all hate that?

I predict this training segment being anywhere between four and seven chapters. Maybe slightly less, maybe slightly more (probably not more). It's supposed to cover somewhere around a year - including what's already happened training wise.

Also, the clothing bit at the start is a bit random, but I felt like including it so... yeah

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 29 - Running Around Like A Clown On Purpose**

In my old life, people were a lot louder at claiming that what we wore shouldn't and didn't matter, that they weren't a reflection of who we were on the inside and so we shouldn't be judged for our styles or our bodies or our biology. And I mostly agreed with this, but the matter of fact was that even if they said otherwise, people _did_ judge other people within seconds of seeing them based upon looks.

It was a lesson my mother had had to slowly learn - as a single mother looked down upon where I grew up - whilst she gradually morphed from baggy relaxed 'hippy' clothes to stylish expensive cuts and a subtle 'I'm not trying or even thinking about it because my whole wardrobe is like this since I live in the city now and my life is bigger than you could imagine' attitude, in order to even be taken seriously by any institution that had a say in our lives.

In turn, once I went to live with her, she encouraged me to walk a similar journey. She told me to find out what people really thought of me when I dressed a certain way or styled myself differently. She wanted me to be aware of the different ways I would be perceived in public, so that I could take control of that perceived image before I even left the house.

So I did; I wore heels and thigh high socks with short shorts, and wore makeup and jewellery with a bob cut, and got stared at and sneered at behind badly composed faces, had my friends parents tell them to be careful of my influence in their lives. I wore baggy three quarter lengths and hand me down t shirts from my brothers, with cheap trainers, and asked if I was a lesbian or just had no self respect, and had people treat me like I was their poor ugly friend who had too high an opinion of her looks. I wore incredibly conservative dresses and trousers and shirts, with neat black shoes, where suddenly people assumed I was a snob who'd had life handed to me on a platter, someone who went to a school that was clearly all about churning out the next right wing clone achieving high grades and repeating the same sheltered privileged rhetoric.

I dressed elegantly, or smart, or cute, with just a dash of sexy, threw on some obvious but not too heavy makeup, wore a chic haircut and had people falling over themselves to tell me how stunning I was everyday that I went out. All it did was tell me how little any of that fucking mattered to me. I realised, once I'd succeeded in my little girl dream of people thinking I was beautiful every time I left the house, that I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't ugly. I wasn't plain. Or feminine, or masculine, or 'slutty', or conservative, or any of the things that people would call me. I wasn't those things because I didn't want to be.

What I wanted was for people to look at me and _stop fucking assuming_ that they knew anything about me, incorrectly, based upon what I wore. So with careful trial and error, I figured out how. I wore androgynous but sexy, or conservative but feminine, or elegant but masculine, or plain but cute and expensive, or sometimes even just loungewear/pyjamas if I really couldn't be fucked. I learned which makeup colours and styles - if any at all - went with what to make people assume what I wanted them to. I cut my hair off once I realised that I'd rather have people occasionally wonder what my sexuality or gender was than what they thought of me when I had long hair.

All that hard work meant that I knew exactly how to hold myself wearing certain things to subtly tell people to politely fuck off, or that I was open to be talked to by anyone, or that I was friendly but not interested in flirtation, or that I was unapproachable to teens, or children, or adults, or rowdy people.

* * *

It was during one of the blessed days that I had off that I woke up against DFB's back, the delicious smell of food curling around my nose and making my mouth water - seriously DFB could _cook_ \- and dragged my eyes open. As usual I had my arms around DFB's neck, and promptly slurred a 'g'mornin' against his shoulder.

He tilted his head toward me slightly and eye smiled, "good morning Su-chan." Now that I was awake, he placed me on the counter top so he could use both hands, as I rubbed my eyes free of sleepy dust.

"Any plans today?"

"Maa it's come to my attention that yesterday the last change of clothes which still fit you were ruined. We need to get you some more."

I nodded absentmindedly. I had never been a part of getting my own clothes so far. By the time I was healthy enough to even pay attention to things like that DFB had already kitted me out with a full wardrobe - or someone else did? I couldn't remember, I hadn't exactly been paying attention - and each time I outgrew something, DFB had slipped a new item in there mostly without my notice. The only difference between the things DFB got me and whoever dressed me before that - and now I was almost certain that he didn't used to buy my clothes - was that he always went for functional and plain rather than decorative and cute clothes. Now that I had started intensive exercise I was burning through them at crazy rates, since no matter how functional the clothes he bought were, they were still not clothes designed for shinobi which were more hardy.

Now that I had the opportunity to create my own image and decide what sort of initial impression I wanted people to have, I wondered how I should dress. I had to think of both the Subaru shinobi in training persona I wanted to have, when I wanted to be taken more seriously, and the cuter more innocent Sona persona. Trying to imagine what different cuts, styles and colours would look on me, I came to a sudden and incredibly important realisation. My eyes shot open in horror and I loudly inhaled.

DFB looked at me curiously, "what is it?"

"I can't believe I've wasted so much time!" I flailed dramatically.

"Is that so?" He mused, no longer so interested once he knew it wasn't a 'real' emergency, and concentrating on breakfast once more.

"Yes! You don't understand, I'm physically two years old, DFB," I wailed, "I've been at prime cuteness levels for a whole year now and I've been wasting it! I have maybe another year or two to get away with dressing up in fluffy animal onesies and giving puppy dog eyes before no one gives a fuck. This is a travesty and it must be corrected!"

DFB gave a vaguely affirming noise as I ranted and fondly ignored me. I continued to espouse the benefits of being so overwhelmingly cute, with a badass aloof shinobi parent hanging around - prime manipulation tactics alongside DFB essentially acting as a deterrent to all but the most determined cheek pinchers and cooing mothers.

Truthfully, the vast majority of the time I really didn't like shopping. I was an in and out kind of person- don't talk to me, fuck off I don't need your help, I know what I'm looking for, no I don't want to stand around having a chat with you and hearing all about your holiday in Barbados, no I don't give a shit about that sale in that shop we never go into, no thank you let's not have lunch out, hurry the fuck up let's move it - but sometimes, very rarely, perhaps once every few years, I just wanted to go out shopping and go full Diva.

So, with DFB's permission, I dragged him along to spend too much money on overpriced onesies. I wasn't ashamed to admit that it gave me warm fuzzies inside that a notoriously tight pursed Scrooge like DFB was so willing to spend money on random shit that I wanted. Not that I usually asked for much. I got a dog, fox, panda, turtle, kitty, pink bunny, flying squirrel, lamb, bumble bee, teddy bear and dinosaur onesie. For each one, I insisted on trying them on, prancing and dancing and twirling around in front of DFB and the mirror, revelling in the hushed squeals across the shop from the girls working there at how cute I was, cackling evilly inside at how well my plan was working.

DFB seemed to be swerving between happily stuck in his Icha Icha largely pretending to ignore the world around him, looking at me in exasperated amusement, and twitching at how genuinely fucking adorable stuffing me in fluffy onesies made me look.

"I was wondering why less people were curious about the fact that your size and your attitude don't match. I'm not wondering anymore," DFB commented dryly to me as I sauntered out of the first shop in my teddy bear onesie.

I sniffed haughtily, "bitch I look fabulous. Besides, that's the whole point. I say things far beyond what's expected of my age bracket? Look at how adorably precocious I am!"

In the next shop we bought actual clothes, and it was easy enough buying a mixture of cutely elegant and practical but definitely feminine clothes, alongside a couple of hair accessories and shoes. However, buying a style that would suit someone more serious and shinobi-like was more difficult. I needed DFB's expertise and know how, and whilst he knew more than I did how kunoichi tended to dress and need, it didn't change the fact that they all seemed to dress- well, like _kunoichi_. That right there was a problem. I didn't _want_ people to look at me and think 'kunoichi' as I grew older, there were a shit ton of assumptions that came alongside that label which I was unwilling to don until I knew a bit more about it.

Despite DFB's best efforts, I turned down style after style until we sat down in a tired pile in the clothes shop and considered taking a break. The problem was, all of these kunoichi styles were too loud. They all made some sort of statement in some way, whether people thought they did or not.

For a time, I was so devastated to be stuck with a new body entirely. I thought all that effort and time into knowing and controlling people's visual impressions of me was put right back to the start. But I'd come to realise that although yes, there were differences in the nuances of the assumptions people made based upon certain dress styles, things weren't so different that I had to do it all over again. I still knew how to make people assume the things I was looking for. Or at least, I'd know it when I saw it.

My answer came as I despondently scanned the clothing shop, and smirked when I saw a chibi version of the skin tight blue top/mask that DFB wore. As more of a joke than anything, I grabbed the top, went into the changing rooms whilst DFB was distracted with a particularly 'riveting' part of Icha Icha, if his ridiculous chuckles were anything to go by (seriously I'd read that book and there was nothing _that_ special about them. They were just soft core porn with average plots and the occasional humorous or unexpected twist). Putting on the top and wearing the teddy onesie on top of that, I stared at the result with wide eyes.

 _Holy shit_ did I look like a longer haired, red/purple eyed, petite chibi version of DFB. I critically examined my reflection, and realised if I cut my hair short it was thick enough by now that I would look so much like him, it was quite likely people wouldn't be able to tell if I was a boy or a girl. Rapidly mentally building an outfit around the sleeveless blue masked top, I added on a smaller version of the trousers DFB wore, a longer sleeved blue top that I'd be able to roll the sleeves back on, and a pair of fingerless gloves. Whilst I wouldn't have his Jōnin jacket, and I'd probably have to forgo the steel plated aspects of his gloves and leg bandages for now, if I wore the toeless shinobi sandals... I'd look almost like a mini clone of DFB. If I changed up the way I wore it ever so slightly from DFB it'd look more like I was trying to emulate him from a sense of hero worship.

It would work, after all as Subaru I was trained by my tou-san, I admired him, I wanted his approval, I was quite like him. I already wanted to be relatively removed and aloof from those who were my physical age mates, I wanted people not to question my intelligence levels and how advanced I'd be by the time I was entering the academy. I didn't want people thinking they knew too much about me, I wanted to be a relative unknown even to people who were going to be around me every day for years.

DFB was more like that already than any shinobi I knew of, and his outfit most definitely contributed to that; how could people convince themselves they knew him if they didn't even know his face? They already had that perception of him and his outfit, if I turned up dressed like him, intelligent, skilled, aloof, looking like him, fighting like a Hatake and carrying his surname... well fuck, I had a niche waiting right there for me. Yes, I would be opening myself up as a target for his enemies but that was pretty much guaranteed to happen anyway, I might as well gain the benefits from it too.

If only my eyes were black, I thought to myself with some humour, I could try to turn only one ketsuryūgan eye on and have that eye covered with a hitai ate until it was needed, once I became Genin. That would be a mind fuck for everyone.

Skipping happily out of the changing rooms I chirruped to a preoccupied DFB, "look tou-san, I look just like you now!" And plonked myself sweetly down on the floor in front of him.

"Mm?" DFB glanced up at me over his book, before he did was sort of half spit take, half double glance. It was immensely satisfying. I eye smiled innocently in a manner that I knew was perfectly reminiscent of him - as someone who had already been prone to eye smiling in my old life so that I could avoid any deeper more meaningful reaction in social situations that would expose how few fucks I could really give the vast majority of the time, I got the look down pretty well.

"I like it!" I told him, giving a small laugh at his response as he almost incredulously scanned my new look. He quickly collected himself though, his mind coming to many of the conclusions I had myself.

"We should find an outfit like yours to complete the look."

"Are you sure?" He asked me, _are you sure you're up for everyone knowing you're related to me the moment they look at you? Are you sure you're ready for the heap of expectations they'll have for you? Are you sure you want to be exposed to that danger? Are you sure the pros outweigh the cons for you?_

He looked very subtly conflicted, and I could already tell that he didn't know if his concerns should take precedence over the all the warm feelings my choice was giving him.

"I'm sure," I nodded resolutely, to my pleasure he softened for a second, before he eye smiled and together we hunted through the shop for clothes that closely resembled what he tended to wear. We ended up with a couple of the tiniest pair of shinobi sandals, a few black three quarter lengths to make up for the fact that I wouldn't be tying up the ends with bandages to keep them out of the way, plain dark blue, green and red long sleeved tops, three pairs of dark blue gloves, a dark grey jacket that vaguely resembled the shinobi flak jacket - except it was less bulky and with straps rather than a zip, and at the last minute I threw something that resembled a couple of blue and green Afghan scarves into the pile.

"You know what this means," DFB informed me cheerfully. I eyed him warily.

"What?"

"You have to learn the art of the mysterious face." Suddenly I realised I'd have to learn how to time my eating perfectly so that no one saw, if I ever used public baths I'd have to hide my face, and multiple other little details which would prevent curious people from successfully revealing me.

"Ugh so much effort," I deflated, "I guess it's worth it in the end."

Wearing my new clothes and sticking the teddy onesie back in a bag, DFB ruffled my hair before giving me a shoulder lift. As we walked past the shop I had gotten my onesies from, my head snapped to the window display in delighted shock. Somehow I had missed the adult sizes at the front of the store. Grabbing DFB's head on either side, I turned his gaze toward the wonder that I saw.

"Look," I whispered in awe, "they come in your size."

He paused and realised what I was looking at, "no."

"Go on, please?" I wheedled.

"No."

"They're super comfy, and you don't even have proper lounge wear at home."

"No."

"But we could rock out in matching outfits. Imagine the look on people's faces when they realise we wear the same shit, it'll screw with them so badly."

"..."

"I promise if you buy them and wear them, I'll convince Gai to get rid of that last green spandex outfit in my size he's got hidden in his apartment."

And that was how I found myself wearing a pink bunny onesie, shinobi sandals and masked top, dropped off at Gai's knowing DFB was going home to change into his own. Gai exuberantly greeted me once I landed through the window and practiced my rolling to land comfortably.

"Beautiful Blossom! You look radiant and Youthful today in that rabbit costume!"

"Thank you Gai," I faced him properly and grinned. He froze the moment his eyes landed on my covered face, before tears began to stream down his cheeks.

"SO YOUTHFUL! MY BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOM ASPIRES TO BE LIKE MY HIP AND COOL ETERNAL RIVAL SO MUCH!" He picked me up as his volume tripled, and smooshed me against him.

"Volume control please, Gai," I muffled against his chest.

"Ah, sorry Su-hime!" he released his tight grip on me, allowing me to wriggle my way to sitting on his shoulders.

"It's okay," I patted the top of his shiny hair, "also I promised DFB that if he wore the same all in one clothes that I did, like this bunny costume, I would get you to get rid of my green spandex costume... so I was wondering if you'd give it to me."

"You want to dispose of your powerful green suit?" He asked, sounding disappointed.

"No, no! I'm not going to get rid of it, it's very useful in certain situations. I just need _you_ to get rid of it."

I spent the next couple of hours at Gai's as I got swept up in his enthusiasm for life. Thankfully he didn't try to make me doing anything too energetic, and mostly stuck to feeding me, since I would have thrown the closest I could to a terrible twos tantrum if I'd had to push my still quite achy muscles any further than necessary on my precious day off.

Even trying to conserve my wobbly energy, I had to tap out far earlier than usual before I exhausted myself, and had Gai take me home with the green spandex hidden in my bunny onesie. I walked in through the front door, and then promptly had a brain glitch as I registered that there was a stranger in our home.

It was stupid, I knew that DFB had friends outside Gai and I. I knew he had a life outside of us, and a history. But seeing that in front of me, in my home, was confronting. In his pink bunny onesie as promised, DFB was leaning close to a man by the table -covered in paper and ink - who had his tongue stuck wide out.

In the split second before the man clocked me, I took the useless feeling of possessiveness, the feeling that my safe space was being invaded by a stranger, the feeling of discomfort, the feeling of anxiety, and I shoved them all away to deal with later when I had time to think.

As the brown haired man turned to face me, I saw his unusual hitai-ate which covered his forehead and then traveled down either side of his face to briefly cradle his jaw. I immediately guessed who the man was, but I couldn't remember much beyond the bare basics of his history, and to be honest I didn't remember all too much of his personality depiction in my old world.

It took a second, but his eyes definitely widened, and then he bit down on his tongue in surprise. His eyes whipped back and forth between DFB and I, clearly comparing out outfits and resemblance in disbelief.

"Am I interrupting something?" I asked, half innocently, half suggestively.

DFB ignored my tone, and by the furrowing of Tenzō's (or was it Yamato?) brow, he was probably wondering if he was imagining what I was insinuating, or if he was giving far too much credit to a toddler.

"Maa, come meet Tenzō. We were working on the seal together. Tenzō this is Subaru."

Ignoring the fact that Tenzō was still staring at me like he couldn't believe I existed, I plodded over to DFB and sat by him, casually sweeping my eyes over squiggles and symbols that I couldn't make heads nor tails of.

"It's nice to meet you, Tenzō-san," I tilted my head in his direction, and glanced at him, concealing how awkward I felt. I had always felt a deep discomfort with non family members in my home, and it still existed. I was good at ignoring it once I'd acclimated a little to the new person, but each time it was difficult at first.

I was lucky that bowing was not as strict in Konoha as I knew it was in some Asian countries in my old world, because sometimes I just froze up if I met knew people and I wasn't feeling up to it. I was definitely curious, but Tenzō seemed more cautious by nature than I was, more reserved and carried a sort of proprietary air around him that made me not want to fuck up. It all served to make me tense and I could feel anxiety tightening my chest the longer his eyes remained on me.

"We've already met," he informed me with a straight face.

"We have? I'm afraid I don't remember."

"Aa, Tenzō helped get you to Konoha when you were born," DFB told me, still mostly paying attention to his scribbles.

Oh that's right, Tenzō and DFB were in Anbu together, which also explained why the dude was sticking his tongue out. When DFB first mentioned the seal that would help him maintain secrecy, I was almost certain he was talking about the Root seal on his tongue. I had to give no indication that I knew what he was talking about, however, thanks to the fact that DFB knowing that I was aware of more than he was giving away would give far too obvious implications that I also knew something about Root itself, that I knew too much about Danzō.

I resisted the urge to fidget under Tenzō's continued stare, and gave him a weak eye smile, "is that so?"

"I didn't expect her to look so much like you, Kakashi-senpai," Tenzō finally dragged his eyes away from me and bluntly ignored my attempt at conversation.

"Mm, really? I don't think she looks much like me," DFB bullshitted surprisingly convincingly with an innocent eye smile, as he sat there in the exact same pink bunny onesie as me.

I scowled at Tenzō from underneath the mask at his shitty social skills, and tried to figure out how he'd known I was female straight away. It suddenly occurred to me that my hair was still uncut, and deciding to take a leaf out of Tenzō's book if he wasn't going to bother with politeness, I turned to DFB.

"Tou-san, how do you cut your hair?"

He turned to me looking vaguely surprised, "with a kunai, if that's what you mean."

"I need a haircut. My hair is still uneven one either side from that backfiring explosion before my birthday."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tenzō looking alarmed, I imagined at that point he was probably imagining all sorts of horrors about DFB's parenting techniques.

"Aa, sure I can show you how to do that this evening if you'd like," he confirmed.

"Is it wise to let her handle a sharp kunai before she's three or four, Kakash-senpai?" Tenzō sounded dubious.

"It's fine, she's already training. In fact why don't you help out, since you have concerns?" He sounded far too casual and unbothered, and I suddenly realised that DFB had planned this outcome from the start. I thought I could learn everything I needed from Gai and DFB, but clearly he was inviting Tenzō because either he thought the man could impart some skills in me better than they could, or he had other intentions that required Tenzō's presence at my training.

Tenzō's expression radiated shock and uncertainty, "I don't know..."

I turned to him, ramping my puppy dog eyes up to max, and projected suppressed excitement, "oh please, Tenzō-oji, I bet you know so much!"

As his eyes connected with mine, I could see his willpower wilt under the toddler cuteness and the claim of uncle.

"Fine," he caved in defeat, then added in a mutter, "you're more like Kakashi-senpai than I had predicted." He cast an accusing glance at DFB, as though he blamed the man for all his troubles, which to be fair wasn't entirely inaccurate in this particular situation.

I tilted my head to the side slightly, eye smiling happily and aware of DFB doing the exact same thing in my periphery.

"Maa, you think so?" We asked at the same time.

"Okay, nope, I'm done. I'll see you both tomorrow."

By the time we had opened our eyes, Tenzō was gone, clearly having been too freaked out by our double act.

"I told you it would fuck with people."

DFB made a noise of approval as he looked at the direction Tenzō had disappeared off to, "you'd like something short, like my hair?"

"Yes please. What's he supposed to be teaching me, anyway?"

"Our skill set is in many ways very similar, actually. Whereas I have a large ninjutsu repertoire, Tenzō can utilise earth and water together in a unique manner. It's his skill in fuuinjutsu that I need."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not as experienced as I am in fuuinjutsu, but this particular seal is one he has a greater familiarity with. He's one of the few people I'd trust to work with to create this new seal. I need him around whenever possible to help with it, or to stand in for me in your training while I attempt to unravel some very sensitive parts of the original seal.

"Additionally, Tenzō has skill in kenjutsu on par to mine, however there are elements of his style that I believe would suit you better than the reliance of strength that the style I use has."

"But... I thought you didn't intend to teach me kenjutsu for months yet."

"I don't. I'd like him to be invested in your training before that point, though. Tenzō won't have too much time to spend around Konoha, thanks to his shinobi duties, but he's an excellent ally to have. He's proven his loyalty to me, and I trust him."

Trust. That was a word DFB knew meant a lot to me. If he thought that Tenzō should know some or all of what we were going to be doing in the future- whatever it may be- and what I knew, then I would trust DFB to know what to do. The man- teenager technically- was a little awkward and kind of lacking in social skills, but you didn't need to be suave and eloquent to be a great shinobi, and if DFB wanted to involve Tenzō, I'd follow his lead. After all, DFB had very clearly not stated that Tenzō had proven his loyalty to Konoha, or the Hokage, but to DFB himself - that in itself was an indicator of DFB's confidence in where Tenzō's priorities lay. Neither of us knew where our future was going to take us, but we could only benefit from another person in our corner.

* * *

 _If you were wondering by any chance if I created some of this chapter inspired by the front picture of the story, no, I chose the front cover of the story because it fit perfectly into this random outfit part that I've known I was going to include from the start. Why? Because I felt like it._

 _As for abilities, where would everyone like her to be by the time she's around three, considering the work she's putting in is going to be sustained at this level until that point? The direction of the story in bits does depend on her skill level, but I'm up for whatever you all want._

 _Do you want her to be at Genin level? Below that? Above that? Bad at some things, excellent in others? What sort of shinobi in training do you want to see her become with a years worth of intensive work under her belt? Let me know!_


	30. Chapter 30

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So I finally successfully moved! That was a lot of prevarication and sloth like behaviour from me. Shocker. (Yea there's a reason my username has Lazy in it).

Also fair warning I still have a lot to of shit to sort out so we're not out of the woods yet on slow updates.

There was supposed to be more DFB training Sonaru going on here but Tenzō had to get a hard on about this own shinobi stuff and then suddenly the chapter was way too long. Genma next? Yes? No?

No editing as usual so forgive my mistakes and rambling. Also I forgot to underline English words last chapter (or the one before I can't remember), but generally it's easy to guess by now which ones were likely English so I'm not in a hurry to go back and correct that any time soon.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 30 - Plenty Of Ways That You Can Hurt A Man**

Keeping my voice carefully even to avoid dropping into the sort of baby talk that I would never aim at actual babies, I murmured soft praises in Tora's ears for merely existing as a cat as she sat in my arms and purred. I balanced her gently as I opened the front door and carefully shut it behind me, making sure I didn't take my eyes off her and didn't jostle her too badly, rubbing my nose against the top of her head as I spoke.

I turned around to see DFB's back as he cooked dinner. "No," he droned without turning around at all. I pouted at the back of his head.

"But you don't even know if I was going to say anything," I complained half heartedly.

"You have Tora in your arms. Get her out."

"No I don't," I blatantly lied, to see if I could get him to turn around and actually acknowledge the soft furred beauty's existence.

"There're only two situations in which you coo-"

"I don't coo!"

"-while badly pretend you're not cooing. The first is when you're faced with a cat, the second is when you're faced with chocolate cake."

"Okay, first of all I _don't_ coo, and secondly I do not talk to my food. No matter delightful and wonderfully well put together it may be."

"I'm not sure if it's more concerning that you coo at and praise your cake before you eat it, or that you're not aware that you do it," DFB blandly commented, "either way, I can smell and hear that cat from here. Get rid of it."

Grumbling under my breath, I apologised to Tora on behalf of the cat hating heathen, and carefully put her back outside, spending a further five minutes giving her a prolonged goodbye scritch. Returning inside afterward, I approached DFB and used him as a climbing frame to reach the counter and sit on it.

"Did anyone give you trouble?" DFB asked. I had just gone out on my first excursion around Konoha by myself, as Sona. It had been surprisingly intimidating, being knee height on a lot of people, and having to get through crowds by myself.

"No, I got a few looks, but they seemed mostly pleased when aimed at me. I think it's because my face is really cute, and I'm tiny. Some little kids almost approached me, but when I didn't seem to notice them they decided not to."

I had gone out in the feminine clothes I had bought, without a mask, with the slight curl in my hair made prominent to sit more around my face reminiscent of a 1920s style, and a pair of black eye contacts in - my natural red/purple eyes were far too easy to identify. It had been my first time out as sweet quiet Sona, and so far it had worked pretty well.

"The only issue I had - that I forgot was a thing I do - was that I got lost a dozen times. I really don't think I'm going to be finding my way around Konoha on the street level anytime soon. I lived in the same town for nine years and didn't know my way around it after all that time."

"You underestimate how much time the average citizen spends moving around Konoha growing up. There's no internet here, remember. Sometimes there's nothing to do but look for trouble as a child."

"I guess. Anyway, I should change before Tenzō arrives. I'm thinking bumblebee."

Climbing down DFB, I went to put the mask/top on, fluff my hair up into slanted spikes again, take the contacts out and wear the bumblebee outfit.

We had spent breakfast and lunch with DFB teaching me how to eat without anyone noticing. He told me that after I had learned how to do minor genjutsu I'd be able to place one over my mouth while eating most of the time and not have to focus as much, so that I could take my time with my food. It was slight of hand and distraction more than anything, which was far more applicable than just eating without people seeing.

With Gai on a mission, it had just been DFB and I. Whilst I had exercised like normal, for a given value of normal, and sparred with DFB which still resembled more of butt whooping than a spar, he had sat me down and started to teach me some of the more theoretical aspects of learning to be a shinobi.

It was all at beginning academy level, and so very little of it was anything I didn't already know, even if I had forgotten some of the details initially. To be honest, we blasted through the material in an extremely short length of time, successfully covering the two thirds of the first year in less than a day. I was used to intensive studying, and it was easy to compare my abilities in my old body to what my weird brain was capable of in this one. With most other things that were being taught to me, I had little to compare from my previous brain's learning capacities, due to the fact that it required levels of thought and instincts and learning that I simply hadn't needed to practice previously.

Academic studying though, was incredibly familiar. I wasn't entirely sure of the difference between my old brain and this new one, due to the material I was learning being aimed at kids less than half my age, but I knew that the material designed for the last two years of the academy would give me a better idea. I had always been very good at making jumps from nuggets of information to reach conclusions that most others my age took far longer to reach, but I never really stretched my capacity to do so. As I got older and better at it, I coasted by more and more on my ability to pay lip service to the work and still reach the right answers. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that here, and a part of me was intimidated at finding out what I might have been capable of in my old life if I hadn't spent so much time avoiding effort.

Distracted by my own thoughts, and pondering on how my altered brain would affect my mental capabilities as I got older, I impulsively opened my mouth and recited the English alphabet backward as fast as possible - something I had never done before, and so wondered if it would give me pause or if I would stumble - and found I could do so seamlessly, my head jumping ahead to the next few letters before I consciously made it do so.

"Huh," I turned to look at DFB, only to find that in the time between getting distracted by thoughts and turning to him, he had at some point gotten into his own bumblebee onesie and was now serving up food.

"You need to increase your awareness even when you're in deep thought," he half teased me, "tomorrow you can start practicing reading and walking through the market at the same time without touching anybody."

"Not Icha Icha."

"Why not?" He looked vaguely disappointed.

"Because I'm not getting a reputation as a two year old pervert the moment people look at me. Plus people would be horrified at your parenting possibly to the point of intervention. That would be annoying."

I rolled my eyes at DFB's continued disapproval at my lacklustre enthusiasm for the quality of Icha Icha. His obsession with the books still baffled me - for someone who had (for all that he hid it fairly well) a short attention span outside of shinobi matters, due to his intelligence and still underdeveloped emotional understanding, he had an absurd patience for flipping through the same old books over and over and over again, seeming enthralled and gleeful like it was his first time.

It made me wonder if there was genuinely something I was missing that he refused to point out to me, outside of a few well described pair of boobs and some very mildly kinky sex scenes; after all I could appreciate fictional fuckery as much as the next person. But then maybe I was just desensitised to something so... mild, due to all the porn and rampant sexual imagery I was surrounded with in my old world.

Just as DFB finished laying the food out, Tenzō arrived via the balcony - as he had been invited to do - right on time, which was something I suspected I would come to expect from him. Removing his footwear, and greeting DFB and I, I was once more struck by how quietly imposing he seemed.

Despite the fact that I would place my money on DFB if it came to a fight, Tenzō held a far more intimidating air than either Gai or DFB. It wasn't aggressive, or frightening, but forboding perhaps. I had no doubt that Tenzō could ramp that right up to create fear if that was what he needed to do to get the best results from his Anbu team.

However, the moment Tenzō noticed the once again matching outfits, I spotted a flicker of what could only be called 'what has my life come to' despair cross his face, and just like that his intimidating aura deflated in my eyes. Suppressing an amused snort, I stuck with a simple greeting in return, and shoved a huge mouthful into my face the moment he was distracted by DFB.

Sending silent thanks to DFB for ensuring Tenzō's attention remained away from me while I ate, I finished the meal at a ridiculously fast pace, before placing my chopsticks back in the bowl. By the time DFB had finished screwing with the poor guy, and he glanced at me, I was finished and my mask was in place, looking completely casual and unbothered.

Caught between alarm and resignation, Tenzō looked back at DFB, only to see that all of a sudden he too had eaten his meal. Much to my quiet delight, he spent a few moments looking at my empty bowl as though it had killed his mother, and I was fairly certain I heard him whisper to himself, 'it has begun' with a sort of dull horror. It wasn't too much longer afterward that Tenzō also finished, having clearly decided to withhold further comments for all that his face said everything for him.

I remained quiet and watchful afterward, finding myself more comfortable once there was minimal attention on me, as DFB and Tenzō became absorbed in their notes of fuuinjutsu like the day before. For all that I understood about two thirds of the words being used, I had absolutely no clue what they were talking about, and yet watching the two of them immersed in the art of seals had me unexpectedly yearning to know more.

I hadn't given the art any particular thought before, and had simply assumed that for all my above average smarts, it was probably something that would go over my head. I wasn't egotistical enough to think that I was in the top tier of minds of Konoha, and if fuuinjutsu was known for being difficult to the point that it was practical an extinct practice compared to yesteryears, I had doubted I would be someone who could crack the code of becoming proficient.

And yet listening to the two men discuss in depth the invention of a new seal, it felt like I was listening to someone talk a blend of science and arts in a way that made me think maybe I had underestimated myself. I didn't understand... but maybe I could if I tried. In my old world I had had a quirky passion for learning about historical dictators, and the bloodiest aspects of history, and for all that I threw myself with an almost frightening zeal into learning the shinobi arts, nothing yet had quite ignited my interest and intense focus like learning about the deaths of millions at the hands of few.

I suspected that once I had the time and energy, this might be something I could obsess over once more. But for now I was content to sit back and let the wash of intelligent debate soothe me, dreaming of the cake I would be getting later for having met my quota of getting lies successfully past DFB.

* * *

From that day forward, Tenzō became a semi regular presence in our home. He was sorta stiff and awkward and didn't know social etiquette if it bit him on the nose, which made liking him more difficult for me than I had hoped. He wasn't bad enough for it to be humorous, and he wasn't good enough to pass muster, which left me ever so slightly irritated with him almost constantly.

It was fairly clear that he didn't know what to do with me either. I was a child in his eyes, his friend and former superior's little girl, and I knew that perspective of me, regardless of my clear mental maturity, made him passively standoffish enough that even after consistent exposure to each other we were at arms length. Initially I felt like I might have been doing something wrong, and worried that perhaps DFB would say something, to point out a fault in my behaviour or attitude. But when it became apparent that DFB didn't really give a shit, as long as one of us wasn't trying to murder the other, I figured I would follow his example and pretend the subtly stilted air between Tenzō and I was non existent too.

For the first little while, Tenzō only had minimal input into my training, choosing to sit back and observe, only sometimes pointing things out to Gai or DFB if he had something to say. During this time he was around for my situational awareness training, which was something that I genuinely enjoyed, for all that I was slow to progress at first.

I liked reading history books during awareness training, even though they were filled with ridiculous amounts of propaganda, and I often found myself laughing ( _not a fucking giggle_ ) at the blatant bias in them, in a manner reminiscent of DFB. During this time I would walk through Konoha's market and try to avoid touching anyone. I bumped into a lot of people at first, and it was only my mask that hid the embarrassed blush each time I was knocked to the ground or into stalls by adult shins.

Once I had managed to shove my circle of awareness from less than a metre from my body whilst preoccupied and on the move, to five times that amount, DFB and Gai began to set me challenges, such as being able to summarise the page I was supposed to be reading as well as accurately say how many women had their hair up that I passed on either side of me, evenly splitting my attention down the middle and having me practice in various situations doing so.

This then expanded to paying attention to three things at once, sometimes all at a distance from my body, and sometimes a mixture of something in my immediate awareness and a few things further away from me. Being able to concentrate on three things at once was expected for any half decent shinobi, with most Jōnin being able to manage four, and the more elite Jōnin managing five. What made the Hatake so special was that we were trained to manage five things at least, for our bodies to automatically take care of and react to from drills and muscles memory, whilst the brain concentrated on tactics that one usually didn't have the time to plan out in the heat of the moment, on top of that.

It was of no surprise to any of the men helping me train that when I finally wrapped my head around how to split my attention and expand my circle of awareness, I took to the exercises like a duck to water. Regardless of the other three's expectations, I was shocked by my own aptitude, and I was almost certain that the proficiency came from my new brain, or my new body, seeing as I had been Miss tunnel vision back in my original body.

Have two teams chuck a ball each back and forth with a bear dancing through the middle now, and I'd be able to report how many passes each ball had had, how long the bear had been on screen, how many blondes brunettes or red heads there had been and what their genders were. *****

Tenzō was the one who told me that my awareness and reflexes would only improve with continued experience, and that whilst I could work on my reflexes in Konoha, it was out on missions that I would fine hone my ability not just to be aware of multiple things at once, but understand them and thus react to them best. It was another aspect of being a shinobi that the Hatake clan held in incredibly high regard, and something I knew I would work on for the rest of my life.

It was the difference between being able to tell that the man walking across the street seemed more dangerous and stood out more than the rest of the civilians, and understanding that his posture and his own awareness were indicative of an off duty Jōnin in foreign territory and not hiding it- thus likely in Konoha with permission -due to his foreign clothes and the sort of pouches he wore, but still cautious.

* * *

Once I had my awareness down to an acceptable standard, DFB and Gai informed me that this was something I should work on in my own time, and whilst they would occasionally test me to give me pointers, the methodology for improvement never really changed, and as such I could continue in the same manner without needing my hand held, for the rest of my shinobi career.

The comment had unexpectedly stung to be honest. I hadn't been described as needing my hand held since I was a socially anxious fourteen year old freaking out at being sent to pay at a restaurant for the first time in my life, and realising I had no idea what the social etiquette was in these situations. I didn't kid myself of anything but the truth; that when I was depressed, needing someone to hold my hand in some manner or another was _exactly_ what happened. But I wasn't depressed, and yes I still had social anxiety, but I really hadn't been put in any sort of situation that would set it off. I knew I was currently entirely dependent on DFB and Gai to teach me how to protect and defend myself, but the idea that I was too reliant on them for other things too began to niggle at me.

A part of me knew that neither DFB nor Gai were likely aware of what had been implied with the comment, considering it had been said in English, but that didn't mean it didn't affect me. I realised, when I took a look at how I spent my time, that although I didn't get a lot of free time due to my training schedule, the little I did get was almost always spent needing to be with Gai or DFB. I didn't have anything else. It wasn't just that I had been baby sized for so long that I couldn't have built myself a private life away from them, it was also that I simply didn't have hobbies. I didn't have acquaintances beyond Tenzō, apart from DFB and Gai I didn't even have friends.

This honestly wouldn't have bothered me; I didn't need a large group of friends, and I didn't need many hobbies. I was an introvert without a doubt. But the thing was, DFB and Gai did have friends and acquaintances and hobbies. Sure, both men were supremely dysfunctional in their own ways, and in DFB's case he was emotionally as closed off as a clam to most others, but they still had private lives away from me. I'd known that, and hadn't minded it, and had barely paid it any attention, until I realised that they constantly had to work around me to have their private space.

My lack of having something separate from them was getting in the way of their own. Because I didn't have hobbies and I didn't watch TV, I got bored easily if I wasn't with someone. This left Gai and DFB with the job of constantly mentally stimulating me, since I hadn't set something up for myself. Neither had shown any sign of minding the set up between us at all, and even the hand holding comment was almost definitely something I was reading into that they hadn't intended to express, but once I noticed how reliant I was on them and therefore how much I dominated their down time, I couldn't let it go.

I realised that now was a perfect time to start investing some actual effort in Sona. The little civilian girl who was my smokescreen to all the darker secrets I held. So far that was all she had really been - a smokescreen, a hollow character with little effort or fleshing out done to her compared to Subaru. I didn't know what Sona really wanted in life, where she was going, and what else she could give me. I knew it was going to take a bit of patience to get there, but I figured I could at least make Sona a familiar face on the streets.

First thing first, though, I needed to truly convince any passer by that Sona was civilian - three things primarily gave me away; the way I stood and walked, the telling calluses on my fingers for any perceptive person who took my hand, and my chakra reserves. I could get away with standing and walking like a shinobi for a while longer, given that my childish limbs and body disguised much of it. In the future I could probably claim to have taken up dancing, and as long as I had the flexibility and fluidity accentuated rather than far more predatory physicality of many shinobi, I would convince others that the female associated past time explained away my muscle definition and movements. I would have to find something that explained the finger calluses or take up wearing gloves as Sona, but for now I was fine. The chakra on the other hand, needed dealing with imminently.

My noticeable reserves had less to do with my training, and almost everything to do with the fact that I was actually twenty two years old. My yin chakra was way too large, supported by the effect my altered brain had had on it, and also by the fact that genetically I was part of a long line of shinobi with higher reserves. They were still relatively small, having only had a couple of years of growing, but that was the point; they were growing. My yin chakra was growing at an exponential rate in order to accurately reflect me and my mental experience/intellect/education.

My Yang chakra too was growing, as DFB, Gai and I desperately pushed the body I wore to keep up with the Yin. So yes, my chakra reserves were small, but definitely not as small as they should have been for my physical age. It wasn't noticeable yet, given that much could been explained away with my heritage, but that wouldn't convince anyone for too much longer. My Yin chakra showed no signs of stopping, I had to keep training to increase my Yang, and soon I was going to start actively using chakra in training which would increase my reserves further.

They were currently nearer to a civilian adult's chakra reserves, and certainly larger than any shinobi-to-be child's chakra that I knew of at my age (barring one or glaring exceptions), but when it was a difference between small and smaller, no one who wasn't actively looking noticed a difference. DFB took on teaching me to suppress my chakra in the mornings and evenings. I hadn't really been sure what to expect, considering I still had difficulty even visualising the chakra existing inside me.

"There are two methods of suppressing chakra; suppressing the coils, and suppressing the pathways too. Suppressing your chakra coils will give you control over the impression people have over the size of your reserves, but suppressing the chakra in you pathways too can give you control over whether someone can sense you at all or not.

"For those shinobi who disguise themselves as other creatures or people, suppressing some pathways more than others can give an incorrect impression as to their size or shape to sensor nin. Suppressing one's chakra pathways takes far more practice and for now you only need to know how make your reserves appear safely young and civilian."

I sat across from DFB for hours, connecting my awareness to the active warm consciousness that existed within me and was my chakra, and then experimenting with slowing and cooling it down in my centre. As usual I found manipulating my chakra difficult at first, like something was missing in my understanding of it for me to make it do as I wanted it to. Eventually though, once I'd cooled and slowed it down at my core past a certain point, I came to the sudden and jolting realisation that if I suppressed my chakra all the way, I would feel like I had before chakra was something inside me.

I hadn't noticed that as my chakra reserves climbed, so did its presence in my awareness. It had happened slowly enough that I hadn't payed it any attention, but now that it was more obvious, the existence of the warm active consciousness that was my chakra was constantly there. According to DFB, generally shinobi didn't feel entirely comfortable suppressing their chakra because it didn't feel right to them; this thing that had existed within their body and was a part of them suddenly dimming and cooling and slowing. I didn't have that problem.

Yes it felt odd at first, because I had grown used to it, but I wasn't bothered by the effects of suppression and once I had a grasp on how to do so, I had no issue with suppressing the chakra in my coils until it was still and cooled to the point of being unnoticeable. If not the presence of it still in my pathways, which DFB was correct when he said I wouldn't be able to suppress it without much more practice, and if not for the continued concentration maintaining that state required it would nearly feel like I was in a body from my original world.

As it was, I was able to go about in public with my reserves appearing minuscule - on the low end of the spectrum for females and far too small to ever have a hope of joining the academy to become a kunoichi - which was where they would stay when I was Sona. I made an effort to get out at least once a week as Sona, whether that was on a small errand for DFB, or during my day off training. I took history books with me to read, making sure to look up every few seconds so that I could avoid people without it seeming like I had trained to do so, and also making sure they were never in the same time period or interest that I could be seen reading as Subaru.

It wasn't much, but it was a start, and it gave DFB time to himself for once to do whatever he wanted, whether that was seeing friends, taking missions, reading Icha Icha by himself, messing with people for laughs, or spending time at the memorial stone. Around the same time, DFB also clearly hit a crucial point in his work on the seal, because he took a backseat in training me for half the week, and allowed Tenzō to step forward for the first time.

* * *

The first day, he stood across from me in the training ground, looking like he wanted to fidget but was too professional to do so, and with the awkward stiltedness that still coloured his tone ever so slightly when he spoke directly to me, he said, "Kakashi-senpai wants me to teach you about traps."

There was a pause, in which he probably expected me to say something, before he cleared his throat and continued, "do you know any traps already, Subaru?"

A small, pleased smile flicked across my covered mouth, unknown to Tenzō, at the removal of honourifics from my name. I didn't want to be -chan to anyone but Gai and DFB, who could be excused once I was older as being incredibly fond of me, having raised me, in the former's case being way too extra, and the latter's case being an asshole.

"I don't, no."

"Traps are an incredibly versatile shinobi practice, for all that many don't see it that way. Most people just think a trap is something which ends in an explosion, a projectile weapon, or with the enemy restrained. I suppose to an extent this is true. But a trap master would never see it this way. The purpose of a trap is not just to end in explosion, with a dead or restrained enemy. There are so many more uses than that.

"It would be impossible to state the many uses for a trap, but some examples include demoralising the enemy, signalling their location to Konoha's shinobi, buying some time, distracting your opponent during a key moment, taking out as many numbers as possible before a fight in order to level the playing field, and there are many more. Traps are vastly underestimated, due to the perceived ease of escaping them for skilled shinobi, after all what's a barrage of kunai from a sprung trap when one can kawarimi?

"This is only because people so rarely take the time to perfect their trap making skills, choosing instead to stick to basic formulas that are relatively easy to predict. It's a false belief that the better traps are the more intricate and complicated ones - that in order to become a trap master the traps have to be multilayered and complex. Yes, the ability to make a multilayered trap placed in areas which accurately predict where a shinobi will step next is an ability of a trap expert, but not one of the most important ones.

"Can you guess the most important components of a trap?"

"I... don't know?"

"Trickery. Deception. That is a key element of any successful trap. It is to be where the enemy does not expect it to be. But how is this possible when the enemy is often a cautious and highly aware shinobi? The answer is know how the enemy thinks

"A well thought out trap by its nature is a low blow. Forget ideas of integrity and fair play with traps, and instead think smart. What exactly is a shinobi's blind spot? What will they take at face value if they see? Where will they let their guards down? This is where the traps are laid. In a fight traps are an excellent way of herding the enemy to where you need them, in order to gain the upper hand. There are two main rules when it comes to using traps in a fight; never rely on your trap to finish a fight without a backup plan, and never stop to wait and see if your trap worked when you could be implementing plans in case it didn't work as intended."

It was fascinating to see the previously quite taciturn man suddenly open up as he began to teach. As he continued to talk about something he was clearly fairly passionate about, I found myself almost spellbound. I had had no interest in traps before, and yet as he began to give examples of traps used in the field, and the thought behind them I found myself inspired. Some of the trap ideas really were low blows and I generally associated them with terrorist techniques, such as an explosion that injured one member and then a second one set a short while later to kill their allies who tried to help. Yet, these low blows were intelligent, and I liked intelligent fighting. Minimum risk maximum reward.

My mind immediately jumped to patriotism. Loyal shinobi were generally incredibly patriotic, and a trap that hit them right in a symbol of their belief would be demoralising like little else. I knew in the Vietnam war, trapping flags so that the American soldiers' moment of victory was marred with death was not replicable as a shinobi. Hidden villages were not represented by flags like my old world, and for a minute I was stumped at a replacement. Until suddenly I wasn't, when I saw Tenzō's headband and realised how dense I was being.

"What about headbands?" I interrupted whatever he was about to say next, before realising that I had done so and giving him a slightly sheepish look.

"Headbands?" He asked dubiously.

"You know, hit them where it hurts. A headband means a lot to shinobi. It's like... a symbol of their dedication to their village."

"You'll have to explain a bit more explicitly, Subaru."

"Well, just as an example, a lot of shinobi - particularly those belonging to clans - really care about what happens to the bodies of their fallen comrades. Head bands are generally considered to be an extension of the person, rather than a belonging; their loyalty and dedication for everyone to see, at the same time as it protects them.

"Say a shinobi belonging to... I don't know, Kumo, was killed by a Konoha shinobi. We'd know that their body would be collected by their comrades to prevent secrets from being discovered via their remains. They would either burn the whole body on the spot and bring back the forehead protector and dead shinobi's belongings, separate the head and bring it to their home village along with their forehead protector and any important belongings on them, or bring the whole body back in a scroll. Obviously it would depend on the importance of the individual in question and the urgency of their fellow shinobi to get rid of the body.

"In each case, the forehead protector would find its way back to the village it came from. Unless it was being brought back to a large camp -I don't know if shinobi do that in times of war. Regardless, fairly soon afterward the forehead protector would soon be surrounded by many other shinobi. The problem with a lot of exploding tags is that they're white, and even if someone gets caught in trap, they'll spot the tag before it explodes, and so if they're talented they can escape. But no one expects-"

"A shinobi's headband to be trapped long after they're dead. Slip a tag lined between the metal and fabric and no one will know until it detonates. Weaponising the dead comrades of our enemies, so that when their guards are down due to grief and distance, the trap goes off in a way that causes maximum physical and emotional damage," Tenzō finished my line of thought, sounding a mixture of impressed and mildly disturbed.

He glanced at me, assessing and cautious, "that would be considered an incredibly low blow. Many would find it despicable. Without honour. There would be civilian casualties too."

"I thought low blows are what traps are all about. And there are always civilian casualties caught up in conflicts between shinobi. These particular civilians would be the potential parents of the next generation of enemy shinobi, and the economic backbone of the hidden village, in all villages but Kiri. Also the centre of the blast... if made devastating enough, it would probably be very difficult to discern the truth of the trap. Most shinobi would not consider the head bands a potential bomb even afterward," I replied unapologetically.

Tenzō started at me for a long moment, and I stared back unafraid of his judgement. I knew I had surprised him with my thought process. I was often light hearted, I took little seriously out loud on a day to day basis, and found humour in both dark and light circumstances. Around Gai and DFB I was more playful and frivolous than anything else, when I had time or energy to talk. This was all that Tenzō had seen of me, so he didn't know like DFB did that I had already had years of a much more brutal and violent mentality being encouraged within me.

I knew how to be kind, and make people feel good about themselves, and how to be empathetic. A part of me liked making people happy. A part of me also like making people frightened, and quiet, and cautious. I had been called a monster before, a sociopath, evil, and heartless - increasingly as I got older. Each time I had been genuinely satisfied, it had always felt like a complement.

I hid none of this as Subaru, and was unflinching as Tenzō saw this honestly for the first time when he looked at me. Perhaps back in my old world I would have worried about my chances of being condemned by my friends and society, but not here.

I saw the slightest crinkling at the corners of Tenzō's eyes, a small relaxing of his shoulders, a little curve in his mouth, "you know, Kakashi-senpai and I know someone who is great at poisons. They go very well with traps. I have a feeling you'd be good at them combined. Why don't you ask Kakashi-senpai to introduce you to a shinobi called Shiranui Genma. I think he'd like you enough to share some of what he knows. In the mean time, let me tell you about how to successfully set up a trap designed to crush someone's head in at three times the speed of the average Jōnin."

And that was how Tenzō and I finally found common ground and became friends. DFB was horrified when he found out. And proud.

But mostly horrified.

* * *

 _*_ referring to a pretty well known video of a black team and white team each passing balls back and forth in a room as they move around each other. Before the video the viewer is asked to count the number of passes made by the white team. Generally the viewer is so caught up in that, they completely miss the man dressed in a bear/gorilla suit doing a crappy dance/moonwalk in between them all part way through the video.

 _So Tenzō becomes a surprising ally in Sonaru becoming a cute little psycho murder machine._

 _I know so far pretty much anything Sonaru has really put her hand to she's succeeded at and been good at and seemed to have found relatively easy. First of all she's working really really hard, secondly helpful brain and genes, and thirdly this is something people have a tendency to find infuriating about me when I actually try at something, so I thought I'd include in her._

 _She's just one of those annoying people. Much like Kakashi. Also this won't be something that happens for everything. Additionally this will make some failures incredibly difficult to handle for her. Much like I suspect it is for Kakashi._

 _Anywho, there are a couple things I have in mind for Sona, but it's largely a blank slate, so what do you guys want to see her get up to? Both in the short and long run? Seeing as she'll be mostly interacting with civilian issues and people and all that. Should it be mostly funny, or unexpectedly serious and plotty? Let me know._


	31. Chapter 31

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Here we go. A bit of Genma for you. I really liked writing from his perspective and focussing on Kakashi, rather than writing as Kakashi or Gai and focussing on Sonaru.

Also I split this in half so there's definitely another Genma chapter coming up, either next chapter or the one afterward.

Also I'm aware that this chapter is super reflective on the past and not a lot happens, but I sort of carried away with Genma pov because he's currently one of my favourite headcannon characters.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 31 - The Devil In Disguise**

As they approached the gates of Konoha, Genma gave a relieved sigh and shot one more half hearted glare toward the leader of the now completed mission. He hadn't had a mission with Kakashi that lasted more than a day in years now, but he didn't remember the man being so unapologetically sly in forcing them back to Konoha immediately after the documents they had been tasked with stealing were apprehended, rather than allowing him at least a few hours of rest first.

Throughout the whole mission, despite the consummate professionalism Kakashi had displayed, as was expected of him, Genma knew him well enough that he could see the subtle signs of urgency in their pace. He hadn't spent a whole lot of time with his fellow shinobi since they served as guards to the Hokage together, but they had met up enough that Genma could unhesitatingly still claim Kakashi as amongst his handful of close friends, alongside Asuma, Raidō, Aoba, Iwashi, Ebisu and Gai. Genma suspected it was whatever had drastically changed Kakashi's life a year or two ago that was putting the extra burst of speed in his steps.

He had watched Kakashi when he had joined Anbu as a far too serious, almost uptight, young man with a string of tragedies behind him and an edge of weary melancholy to his every moment. The boy's main saving grace had been his complete dedication to his Hokage, and his willingness to go above and beyond to save his comrades.

Even back then Kakashi had been aloof, and despite working closely with him for years, Genma had still felt like there was a barrier between them by the time Kakashi got more involved in Anbu. When Minato had died, it was like what little passion Kakashi had left to actually live was drained from him. Genma had been too busy in his own grief to even attempt to help, and with far too much work on their hands immediately following the Kyūbi attack, it hadn't even occurred to him that he had barely seen Kakashi for more than a few minutes at a time until a year had passed, and Kakashi had already moved on to a different squad.

Despite the brief glimpses he tended to get of Kakashi - barely enough time to greet him and assess how he had changed since he last saw him- it was all too clear to Genma that with Minato's death, something fundamental had been lost to the man. Or perhaps it was more like Kakashi had given up on something important. He was more closed off than ever, he treated everyone around him as an impersonal colleague even when they had served by him for close to a decade.

He was reasonably personable, not standoffish or inexcusably rude. But what little of the soft underside that Kakashi had allowed people access to before was gone completely. He was still recognisably himself, which was enough to allay the concerns of anyone who didn't know him well. But for those few who were close enough to him before death consumed the happiness in Kakashi's life, it was obvious that Kakashi wasn't coping with his grief. He was still running from it years later, as it continued to consume him the longer he ignored it.

But as long as he refused to leave Anbu, there was nothing Genma or Gai or anyone else could do about it. It was painful and saddening to watch as Kakashi slowly and systematically dismantled his heart and spirit, hollowing himself out bit by bit, all but killing himself while he still lived. Anbu was hell on the psyche after too long, and anyone who had been part of it for any length of time knew there were only a few types of people who stayed in it for more than five years.

(The ones who needed the anonymity to get any sort of freedom. The outcasts of the village, or the ones with traditional clans who stifled any sort of true individuality, or the ones with their reputations too tattered to work but too skilled to prevent from working.)

(The ones who had something wrong with them on a human level. The ones that looked at comrades and enemies alike and saw only a bag of blood and bones, who were always just a wrong moment away from giving into whatever disturbing urges they joined Anbu to temper, the ones who were like rabid dogs on a leash and one could only hope they were obedient enough never to slip the collar, the ones whose best way to go was in a blaze of blood and death on the battlefield, who everyone quietly sighed in relief when they were gone because terrible things had been averted.)

(The ones who just wanted to die an honourable death, preferably sooner rather than later. The ones who had been stripped of everything they every had that had made them want to get up every day and keep going. The ones who had given up on life, on themselves, but knew themselves to be too valuable as tools of the village to fully give up on breathing just yet.)

It had been painful to watch Kakashi work himself to death deliberately, and so to Genma's shame, he didn't. He turned away, and stopped thinking of Kakashi too often. He stopped seeking him out, knowing that Kakashi wouldn't come and find him, and only kept tabs on him through the infamous Jōnin rumour mill. He kept half an ear on the reputation that Kakashi grew and grew and grew until he was infamous beyond the walls of Konoha outside of his connection to the White Fang, or to Minato, and he was spoken of with respect and hero worship inside of Konoha, no longer associated with Rin, or Obito, or the 'disgrace' of his father. But otherwise, Genma turned away. He left Anbu, as much as someone ever left Anbu, and was never assigned an Anbu mission with Kakashi again.

The only one who never gave up on him was Gai. Genma had known if anyone was going to succeed in keeping Kakashi alive, despite not being a part of Anbu himself, it was the bull headed, obnoxiously cheerful, challenging, unstoppable Gai. Part of him thought Kakashi didn't deserve Gai, when he wouldn't even call the man his friend. Part of him was thought there was no one a bastard like Kakashi deserved more than Gai.

Regardless, Genma was mostly resigned to losing Kakashi to Anbu, either through his death or by the man losing what little of himself was left and becoming a cold, heartless killer with that animal mask practically fused to his face. And then all of a sudden, without warning, he was back out in the field as an ordinary Jōnin, and he had left Anbu.

Even still, he didn't seek Kakashi out, with every Jōnin being run ragged at the time thanks to the complete annihilation of the Uchiha clan, and bit by bit more shinobi who had all but retired being called back out to serve Konoha. It had taken a few months before Genma had a break enough to even think of Kakashi, and it was only when a few Jōnin in the Jōnin lounge commented that they were surprised he wasn't being put on the A and S rank missions, considering his skill, experience and reputation.

Almost everyone noticed it fairly quickly after that; Kakashi was taking missions every single day, and working from morning to evening, but he never took A or S rank missions, and he never took overnight missions. Some suspected he had been severely injured in Anbu to the point that it hampered his abilities and that was why, some suspected he had done something to make the Hokage suspicious of him and was being watched carefully. Some particularly far fetched Jōnin talked of a woman he had at home and wanted to get back to.

One thing no one did was ask him. He was still the aloof and emotionally closed off man he'd ever been, and although the infuriating arrogance he'd worn as a child was no longer around, personal questions directed at Hatake Kakashi was a masochistic exercise. He himself only took a couple of missions with the man, but it was obvious to Genma that something had changed, drastically, in Kakashi's life.

Initially he just put it down to mental and emotional effects of leaving Anbu, combined with some time having passed since Minato and Kushina's death, until he was casually approached by a slouching and lazy looking Kakashi, asking him in his exasperating manner if he wanted to get a drink. Genma, baffled and slightly wary, agreed, knowing that he had an ulterior motive because Kakashi always had an ulterior motive.

Except apparently his ulterior motive was to talk about Minato and Kushina, and their time serving as Hokage guard together. It took Genma far too long considering his profession, to realise that this was Kakashi getting closure. It just... wasn't something he had ever seen Kakashi _do_. The man practically carried his grief and guilt and mourning around with him like an addiction. Nevertheless, deep down he was incredibly glad for the man, and was more than happy to reminisce as he got shit faced, despite Kakashi never actually drinking with him. Of course the bastard always left him with the bill, but on the upside, he usually managed to chat up and take home something pretty by the end of the evening.

A couple times he made the mistake of trying to set Kakashi up with someone, when he'd had one drink too many, but Kakashi was as always, despite the perverse enjoyment he got from causing outrage with his porn reading habits, far more of a gentleman than Genma. Or he had way too many hang ups surrounding actually having sex with a woman off missions. He was never quite sure which one it was. Either way, he learned his lesson eventually with that one kunoichi and his poisoned senbon... he mostly pretended that didn't happen.

From what he had been able to assess of Kakashi, he was tired, and overworked, but he seemed more settled somehow. It was difficult to put his finger on it, but the man just came across as stable in a way he never had before. Not so lost on a personal level. Genma had had hopes that the trend would continue, and as the year went on, it did.

Until suddenly he stopped working altogether. Kakashi had been a shinobi younger than any of them, and he had worked pretty much non stop since his was a few years out of diapers. Kakashi _was a shinobi_ in a manner that not many people were. It was absolutely unquestioningly fundamental to who he was. Most people he knew had at least had something resembling a childhood before they became Genin - they had an identity that had mostly formed before they were sent into the field. But not Kakashi. To simply... stop taking missions was the antithesis of who he knew Kakashi to be.

It was, beside the paperwork and a ton of issues, the whole reason Kakashi refused to take the position of Hokage - the inability to take missions without causing international incidents. More than that, though, was the fact that he all but disappeared for months at the same time. Genma barely caught more than a few glimpses of him during that time, and although it wasn't the same as when Minato and Kushina died, or even after his team mates died, there was a weight to him. It was like he was simultaneously burdened and hopeful. Lost and purposeful. Tired and energised.

He would have asked Asuma of his opinion, except the bastard had had one last falling out with Sandaime and had gone off to serve as guard to the Daimyo in rebellion. He had barely said goodbye, and had left behind a very dissatisfied Kurenai, from what he had heard, who their friends suspected had been involved with Asuma, or at least something close to being involved.

As it was he wasn't particularly close to Kurenai, who disapproved of the fact that he had a sex drive and was more than happy to listen to it, and the fact that he had a morbid somewhat inappropriately timed sense of humour. He wasn't likely to go to her for suggestions, and the only other person left who kept in frequent contact with Kakashi (besides Tenzō, but he had just been promoted to Anbu captain and was far too busy already) who he knew was Gai. Truthfully, Gai was just about the most accurate barometer one could find on the mental state of Hatake Kakashi, so when Genma noticed that Gai was not only not particularly worried, but fully involved and supportive of whatever it was Kakashi was doing, he butt out and withheld his curiosity.

Of course, that didn't prevent other shinobi from wondering about the man - after all he was one of the most recognisable faces (face masks?) amongst their numbers, and had a very strong reputation. People wanted to know what he was up to that had him taking no missions and barely seen in public. When he was put down on the roster for Jōnin Sensei, a lot of shinobi were shocked - Hatake Kakashi and kids had never been a thing that had gone together. It was so absurd to imagine such a battle worn, experienced, deadly man in charge of three little fresh faced bright eyed Genin, teaching them the way of the world, that Genma had laughed.

They didn't pass his test, unsurprisingly, considering most shinobi who knew anything about him were aware that being a teacher responsible for even one vulnerable, unskilled, naive, time consuming life was probably one of the last things Kakashi wanted. Just before being Hokage. But it did answer the questions a lot of people had been asking. Giving Kakashi kids to look after was clearly an attempt at opening him up to others more, tempering him a bit, tying him emotionally to the village again, giving him something to protect, and preparing him for Hokage. It was obvious the Sandaime was done letting Kakashi run away via an overwhelming number of missions, and was very skilfully manoeuvring him into a position where he could then retire without worry before he died of old age, or got old enough that he got slow and slipped too much as leader of the village.

Or at least it answered the questions of the shinobi who didn't think to look deeper. There were always rumours and gossip flying back and forth amongst the shinobi forces of Konoha. There were ways of disseminating classified information without actually sharing it, and the discerning shinobi knew how to interpret the information to separate fact from fiction. Rumours about top Jōnin like Kakashi - especially aloof bastards like Kakashi - were common, particularly in the Jōnin lounge. But sometime after Kakashi as good as disappeared, Genma and some others noticed that rumours surrounded the scarecrow were not only increasing in number, but in their unreliability.

For a year, rumours about Kakashi flew back and forth, none of them could be traced back to a source and none of them with proper evidence. The whole thing stank of the sort of expertly crafted bullshit Kakashi would pull. If there was one thing the man excelled at, it was screwing with people's minds, time away from Anbu hadn't diminished that, but only added an infuriatingly playful element to his mind games. The sort of ridiculous rumours being spread about him had the scarecrow's sense of humour written all over it. This sort of calculated spread of incorrect information told the top shinobi one thing; Kakashi had something to hide. He was working to prevent something from getting out, by hiding it amongst the ridiculous gossip and automatically destroying any sort of credibility the truth would have if it got out.

Genma was incredibly curious- of course he was, anything that Kakashi put that much work into hiding had to be big, but he figured either it would eventually come to light by itself, or Kakashi would let him know. Pushing for his secrets would be as pointless as trying to see his face without his mask.

So when Kakashi turned to him, once they'd debriefed, suddenly losing all urgency that had caused him to push Genma to make it back early, and walked Genma back to his apartment 'considering it was on his way home anyway', with such a blatant lie, Genma figured it was just best to give in and see what endgame was as fast as possible.

* * *

They made their way to his home across the rooftops, and as they got close he could see unusual activity around the building. To his angered dismay, someone had pranked Genma's whole apartment building and heavily trapped every window and door in the place. A team of Jōnin were dismantling the traps bit by bit, but he was told it would take until the evening until he would be able to get into his apartment.

Genma turned to Kakashi, a blank look on his face.

"Seriously?"

Kakashi blinked innocently, his whole expression radiating 'who me?' "Maa, Genma, what are you implying?"

Genma sighed, and carefully suppressed the urge to try and wrap his hands around Kakashi's neck, knowing he probably wouldn't succeed, and would be left feeling more frustrated, "I know you have something to do with this, Kakashi. You've never offered to walk me back to my apartment before."

"I'm offended you think so low of me, Genma. How could I possibly have anything to do with this? We've been on a mission for days, and we even got back before intended," he chided, perfectly expressing wounded defensiveness. It would have been convincing if Kakashi was _ever_ that genuinely expressive of his emotions.

Genma just stared at the man.

"I hate you," he deadpanned.

The bastard physically staggered back, making a pained noise, "I see how it is. My own friend... turning his back on me because of baseless suspicions. What have I done to deserve this? I thought- I thought we had something special."

Genma was momentarily blind sided by Kakashi outright stating they were friends like he never had before. Usually the man was so allergic to emotional attachment he wouldn't apply that word to people he genuinely cared about and had known since he was a child. The pause that having Kakashi use that word gave him, meant that he wasn't mentally prepared to object when Kakashi suddenly perked up.

"I know! To make up for my clearly lax behaviour as your friend, if you're so quick to suspect me, I'll make you dinner. Come on you can spend the rest of the day at mine, seeing as your own home is out of the question."

Before he knew what was happening, he had been hooked by the elbow and shunshined over to a section of Konoha that he wasn't even aware Kakashi lived in. Figuring protesting at this point would be a waste of time, Genma heaved a sigh, gave Kakashi a resentful glare, and asked commented with a hint of bite still in his voice, "I wasn't aware you'd moved."

Kakashi eye smiled, "yup." Like it wasn't a huge deal that he'd moved after living in the same sparse box apartment for over a decade, from a shinobi apartment building, to a mainly civilian area when Kakashi had always seemed repelled by any long term exposure to civilians.

Genma sighed again, giving his neck a scratch so that his hands didn't give in to the urge to punch Kakashi in the eye smile, "fine, let's take a look at whatever secret that you've been hiding from the world."

From the look of the apartments, a secret lover or wife was appearing more and more likely, and as both men made their way into the building and up the stairs, Genma tried to imagine what sort of woman could put up with someone like Kakashi long term. Half the guy's appeal to women was his mysteriousness, and Genma knew any woman who got close to the scarecrow to unveil that mysterious allure would figure out pretty damn quick that Kakashi was not only damaged, but a really shit at social situations, complex emotional understanding, and transparency, alongside basically anything that was required in a healthy functioning relationship.

And yet he acknowledged, as he glanced at Kakashi from the corner of his eye, that the man was more grounded and content than Genma had ever seen him. He seemed, dare he say it, _happy_. A little weary, but happy. It had been clearly noticeable when Kakashi finally starting showing his face again in the previous few months and spending time with his friends. Something, but more likely someone, had given Kakashi his life back- or more accurately, given Kakashi the motivation to seize it. He looked healthy, like he had purpose again, and just overall _good_. Genma figured whoever she was, Kakashi had somehow managed to find an angel with infinite patience and understanding. Or a demon in disguise who was worse than Kakashi.

And then Kakashi stopped outside of his door, unlocked it, and opened it, "tadaima! Subaru? Tenzō?"

They both took their shoes off, as Genma looked around curiously. The place was homely, and comfortable looking. It was fairly clean and tidy, with the just the odd jacket, or rumpled blanket or stray book here and there to show it was occupied.

"Okaeri!" Came muffled from somewhere in the apartment, way too high pitched and young sounding. There was a thump from the other side of a door near the kitchen, and Genma's brain stopped working as soon as he realised the footsteps were far too light and close together as they approached.

The door opened, and a pale shock of hair peeked round it, attached to a tiny, round, mask covered head, on top of a tiny dinosaur onesie wearing body. The purple red eyes widened as they landed on both Genma and Kakashi, before a disturbingly recognisable eye smile worked its way onto the mini Kakashi's face.

"Tou-san, you're back early! Tenzō-oji went to fetch Gai, because he was needed for a mission."

With that the tiny Kakashi slipped from the doorway with surprising speed, running and launching off the ground, only to be caught in the scarecrow's arms. It was with a shocked disbelief that Genma realised Kakashi was wearing his own eye smile, and was holding the kid close. Kakashi whose prolonged physical contact with other people was rare and generally under duress. Happily holding (hugging?) a small mini tiny version of himself and eye smiling. And not a fake eye smile that was capable of expressing a thousand things other than good humour, but a genuine, eye crinkling, face stretching smile.

Genma saw the comfortable, relaxed hold he had, the protective posture, the pleased expression, and then saw the mini version of the exact same thing looking back at the scarecrow.

"When he gets back, Tenzō says he's going to look into making the exploding kunai a real thing! If we get it right the metal fragments could be really deadly," the kid chirped excitedly.

What. The. Fuck. Was. Happening.

Was he having some sort of bizarre dream? Maybe he been caught by a slow acting hallucinogenic on the mission. Or maybe Kakashi was fucking with him again, and he was in a genjutsu. He subtly tried to break the genjutsu only for nothing to happen, and then pinched himself. When neither worked, he realised this was probably real, desperately scrambled to get his thoughts together and opened his mouth to say something intelligent.

"What the fuck, Kakashi, you have a son?!" The words came blurting out of his mouth before he could stop them. Having them out in the open made it all feel a little more real, but also a hell of of a lot weirder. Hatake Kakashi, trickiest bastard he had ever met who he hadn't tried to kill, was a Dad. There was a mini Kakashi running around. There were two of them. Oh no. This was the best and worst thing that could possibly happen to the shinobi of Konoha.

The only way this could get worse was if there was a mini Gai running around alongside him.

Kakashi turned to him like he wasn't shattering Genma's basic understanding of the man, and mini Kakashi turned to look at him too, a curious expression on the boy's face.

"Genma, this is Subaru, Su-chan this is Genma, a friend of mine." Two identical eye smiles were directed at him, and Genma felt his whole body twitch.

"Hi, Genma-san! It's really nice to meet you. Tenzō-Oji said that you know a lot of poisons and that I should ask you about them, because he's teaching me how to make traps. Will you teach me about them? Please?"

And then suddenly there were _eyes_ and it was so much worse than the combined eye smile, because they were wide and adorable and pleading and _Kami Kakashi's kid looked so cute_ , and Kakashi's face hadn't moved a muscle yet somehow it had all of sudden become incredibly threatening, and Genma knew if he said no to Kakashi's kid and made him cry it would be the last fucking thing he ever did.

Genma realised, then, that this was why the scarecrow bastard had chosen to introduce him to his vulnerable, probably shinobi in the making, possibly blood thirsty little child. Genma was going to be free labour in teaching the boy how to survive to adulthood.

Genma looked the bastard straight in the eye.

"I hate you," he deadpanned.

* * *

 _So for Genma's pov do you want me to continue on immediately after where I've finished the chapter, or have a space in between Genma's chapters for a little bit of a break in time?_

 _Do you want Genma's outside perspective to be a semi regular thing?_

 _He's a hell of a lot easier to write than from Gai, so if you're looking for a pov that's not Kakashi's or Sonaru, since they're both obviously very caught up in their own situations, it'll be easier for me to do it from Genma. It could give a better idea of what other people think of the whole thing._

 _I do intend on having Genma get to know and befriend Subaru, but I'm going to always try to make it fairly obvious that he's Kakashi's friend more than he's Subaru's mentor or friend._


	32. Chapter 32

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Sorry about this delay everyone, me mam needed support in stuff, so I moved in with her for about a month. Don't know if any of you have gone back to your parents after having moved out but I found it... not pleasing. Anxiety: high. Muse: coma.

You guys had really awesome things to say about Genmas pov, and seemed to want another one straight away. Honestly I could have just gone on and on for him, but I tried to cut it short. Hence the slightly rushed ending.

Some of you mentioned surprise that Sonaru and Kakashi didn't correct the gender confusion last chapter, but a few also picked up that Sonaru would be more than happy with the gender confusion and work it to her advantage.

I don't know if I made it clear in the past chapters, but Subaru being dressed so similar to Kakashi and cutting her hair like his was partially in order to encourage that confusion from an early point, in order to avoid gender discrimination as a shinobi in the future (and in the hope to minimise attempts of rape from enemies but I think that was only ever subtext).

She wouldn't deny her gender if someone noticed, but she's more than happy to play on people's assumptions because she has no issue with being confused for a boy.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 32 - I've Got You Brother**

With Genma having reaffirmed his hatred of the scarecrow verbally - and all but openly agreeing to put up with the man's son for the foreseeable future in order to share his hard gained knowledge with the boy for no reward in return - he spent the next hour and a half watching and assessing this new part of Kakashi with complete fascination.

It was immediately clear to Genma, upon meeting mini Kakashi, that whilst the boy might have been an almost replica of Kakashi in looks as a kid, he certainly wasn't a replica of Kakashi in behaviour as a kid; young Kakashi had been cold, serious, arrogant, largely disdainful of his peers, emotionally removed and to be completely honest, pretty unlikable up close, whereas Subaru was like a less deadly version of adult Kakashi in many ways, with a whole lot of other stuff thrown in.

He didn't know Subaru well enough to pin him down more than that. He was more interested in analysing the way Kakashi was around the kid. It was the little things that grabbed his attention initially, like the way Kakashi absentmindedly carded his fingers through the kid's hair, or placed a hand on his shoulder, or lifted him and placed him around the room, or communicated with nudges and light touches as much as words.

That was another thing, Kakashi was a bastard for mind games, and although he could be serious or friendly, he was just as likely to screw with people and leave them regretting that they had ever seen him that day. Around Subaru however, the man displayed little of that propensity.

In fact, once the kid had relaxed around Genma, mini Kakashi showed himself to be more likely to play word games and benign mind games with his dad (some part of him still rebelled at that thought), who in turn seemed to show none of his usual habits of being sly and tricky. Instead, the scarecrow was almost doting with his indulgence of the kid -like an adult predator putting up with and encouraging its young to rough and tumble and pounce and play, so that one day the little one would be just as deadly. Genma shivered inside at the comparison, as he though of mini Kakashi being just like his scarecrow father growing up.

Watching Hatake Kakashi, bastard shinobi extraordinaire, being undeniable _soft_ and _warm_ and _caring_ toward anyone, let alone a tiny child - _his_ tiny child - was something Genma found himself unable to pull his attention away from. There was something so incredibly intimate about the whole thing, and for all that it was all surprisingly inclusive toward Genma, it was also obvious that he was only a temporary guest of this dynamic. It pulled him in bit by bit and all too quickly, and had him wanting to give Kakashi and the mini scarecrow whatever they might benefit from, in order to be fully accepted and considered a part of it all. It was magnetic, the desire to be accepted as one of the group, and somewhat baffling.

He realised, as they sat down to eat (and who knew Kakashi could _cook_ so well?), that what made the little family so compelling, was not just Kakashi's surprisingly ramped up parental instincts, but the reciprocation. It took him a while to see it, having been hypnotised by the completely alien behaviour and attitude from Kakashi suiting the man so much, but eventually he managed to pull his attention away from the phenomenon, to realise that Mini Scarecrow was equally as soft and warm and caring. The kid had his own style, clearly not copying his dad, but whereas initially Genma would have said that Kakashi was quietly, and yet so obviously, completely adoring of his kid, he soon saw that they held each other in equally high regard.

Perhaps Kakashi's was a little more protective, and Subaru's a little more idolatry, but what drew him in so much was this innate... something they carried around and toward each other. Like they just _got_ life, understood it and cherished it and enjoyed it in a way he didn't quite see, as though there was a deeper source of life than what he and everyone else drew on, and they had found it.

It was _weird_. If it wasn't so captivating, Genma would have been disturbed by it. It wasn't normal, even by fucked up shinobi standards. To an extent he could understand Kakashi's intense love for his kid, even if it was surprisingly expressive compared to what he knew most father son interactions to be, but the freaky component came to play when Subaru showed the exact same intensity of emotion toward Kakashi.

Genma knew Hatakes in general were supposed to be highly intelligent at a young age... but surely not like that. There was too much. Too much everything. Too much emotional depth, too much personality, too much perspective from the kid. The air surrounding the two was full - of unspoken but understood things, of history, of hard won happiness, of unquestioning comfort, of devoted loyalty.

Once Genma had spotted it, he couldn't unsee it. He could do nothing but look closer and pick them apart further. Their little family wasn't bad, per say - nothing he saw was bad, but he was slightly unnerved by it all. He couldn't fathom the cause of it, couldn't even begin to guess what had made their relationship the way it was, didn't really understand it either.

Genma was good at understanding people, especially his friends. It was what allowed him to be so charming all the time, and make people warm up to him who'd only known him for a few minutes. He didn't know what to make of what he saw, though, and it simultaneously made him wary of looking closer, and completely tempted to do just that.

Sitting on the sofa later, with a pleasantly full belly, Genma considered Subaru. From what he'd seen that evening, the kid was more than smart enough to be talked to like he was an adult, and so Genma didn't see any issue with treating him as such. Kakashi, for all that he clearly cared greatly for Subaru, hadn't done a single bit of traditional parenting the entire evening.

There'd been no telling Mini Kakashi to eat his vegetables, or to do as he was told, there had been no cleaning up after the kid's non existent messy eating habits, there'd been no misbehaviour from the boy that Kakashi had made any move to discipline, and there had certainly been no talk made about bed time.

Trust that genius bastard to somehow figure out a way to be completely comfortable with parenting without having to be a normal parent in the slightest, and still be getting results far beyond most families - if the substance and intelligence in Subaru's verbal contributions was any indication. Strangely, watching them was more akin to watching a version of two flat mates who happened to care so greatly about each other that they considered each other family.

Mini scarecrow had been mostly quiet so far, happy to sit patiently and listen as Genma carried the majority of the conversation between himself and Kakashi. The kid observed with an air of fascination while Genma and Kakashi bickered over different versions of various fuck ups that had occurred on their missions together and during their time as Hokage guard, the chibi only occasionally chipping in with his own assessment of whether something sounded plausible or not, bouncing from side to side on who he supported in order to occasionally fuel the conversation.

Eventually, curiosity had Genma turning to him, "so kid," he grinned past his senbon, "you said you want to know about poisons, so you must be intending to become a shinobi, right?"

The kid eye smiled and bobbed his head with a noise of confirmation, but surprisingly didn't start waxing lyrical about the coolness of shinobi and how kickass he was going to be, like almost every other boy out there around his age.

"What sort of training have you had so far?" He asked.

Immediately Mini scarecrow's eyes darted toward Kakashi, a small tilt to his head, Kakashi eye smiled in return and the boy looked back at Genma- who observed their interaction carefully.

"I get my ass kicked pretty much every day by Gai and Tou-san, and now occasionally Tenzō-oji under the guise of sparring. I also have an exercise regime for speed, strength and flexibility, as well as my accuracy and speed when using kunai and shrunken. We've worked on my awareness, I'm still being introduced to traps, and I've had a look at the first two years of the academy theoretical material. Also Gai taught me to stick leaves to my skin while you were gone, Tou-san. That's pretty much it," Mini Kakashi recounted matter of factly, as though he wasn't years ahead of his peers from the sound of it.

Genma gave an amused huff, "'that's pretty much it'? That's impressive, Mini scarecrow - you don't mind if I call you that, do you?"

The kid gave a shrug and made an uncaring noise in the back of his throat that was akin to a grunt, "you can call me whatever you want, I don't care. And I wouldn't say it was that impressive - I have an unfair advantage."

Genma laughed and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders, twisting him to face Kakashi, "look at this humble kid, Kakashi, how did you raise something so cool and collected, when you were such an arrogant bastard growing up?"

From the corner of his eye he was delighted to see an embarrassed blush form on Mini Kakashi's face- what little he could see of it - as he leaned against Genma, maintaining an almost convincing stoic expression.

The Scarecrow looked on in an odd mixture of calculation and humour, "superior clan rearing techniques, obviously."

"Gai tells him what to do when I prove too emotionally complex and his brain shorts out," Mini Kakashi deadpanned, his bland tone at odds with his innocent eye smile.

Both men's eyes bugged out in surprise, before Genma burst out in delighted laughter as Kakashi gave an accusatory, "Su-chan! Where's the family loyalty?"

"Gai's family too," Mini Kakashi turned to Genma, "by the way, how do you keep your senbon in your mouth when you laugh?"

"Practice, my tongue, and a judicious application of chakra," he gave a small smirk at the boy's look of open curiosity.

"A-aah, that's pretty cool," Mini Kakashi seemed suddenly bashful, the pink reaffirming itself on his face.

The humour seemed to slowly drain from Kakashi's expression as he looked on at Subaru, leaving behind only a suspicious watchfulness,"it's how he uses his poisoned senbon to launch them from his mouth."

The words were innocuous, but there was an edge to his tone that immediately perked Genma's attention and slight wariness, despite not letting that show outwardly.

"Oh, are you- um, could you teach me? A bit about poisons, I mean," Mini Scarecrow adorably tripped and stumbled over his words, the red suffusing his face entirely and his eyes wide on Genma, as Genma inwardly chuckled at how adorable the kid became the moment he was impressed by someone.

He guessed it wouldn't be too much of a hardship to give Mini Kakashi a few pointers to get him started, especially since he was fairly sure Kakashi would torture him to death if he said no. Besides, it wasn't like the boy was similar enough to his infuriating tou-san that Genma would be tempted to bludgeon his head against a wall within an hour alone together.

"Sure, I can see if you have an aptitude for poisons and we'll take it from there. Fair warning kid, I've never taught anyone so young, but it's obvious you're highly capable, so I know you'll be able to keep up. But," he added, his grin softening his serious tone into something more light hearted, "I'm a busy man Mini Scarecrow, so you'll have to work to my schedule.

"Come round to mine anytime after 5pm on the days I don't have a mission, since all my books and materials are back home. That work for you?" He checked in with Kakashi.

The man nodded absently, his intense gaze on his son, with a growing look of concern on his face.

"Great! I- it sounds good, I look forward to it. 5am, oh- I mean 5pm," the still red faced kid gave an embarrassed giggle, and then visibly cringed and ducked his face away.

Genma's attention was distracted by the growing realisation on the Scarecrow's face as he stared at the boy, "Su-chan, no!" He choked out, in a voice thick with horror and despair.

Subaru's head snapped up and he glared defensively at Kakashi, "shut up," his hissed, "you think I'm any happier about this? I can't exactly help it, you know. It's not my fault he's charming - and smoking too."

Kakashi let out a strangled noise, and snatched Mini Scarecrow away from Genma, his eyes burning into the confused man with the desire to maim, "you're banned from speaking to my child."

"No, tou-san," Mini Scarecrow snapped irritably, "you don't get to be protective about this. Butt out, it's got nothing to do with you."

To Genma's surprise, Kakashi deflated, and legitimately pouted (seriously Genma could see his bottom lip stuck out underneath his mask) as he looked at his kid, "but Su-chan..."

" _No_. I don't want overprotective family members getting involved in stuff like this. Look at me, I'm two years old. What exactly do you think I'm going to do? And don't tell me you're worried about Genma's actions, because you would never be friends with someone you suspected of those proclivities," Subaru sounded impressively authoritarian for his age, even as gave Kakashi's arm a hug when he added, "I promise tou-san, I'm more than capable of making careful choices with this. I have strict boundaries, and I'm practiced with policing myself. If I ever need a little bit of protective family help, I really won't hesitate to ask. You'll be an incredibly useful resource in making people back off that I will likely use many times in my life. So let me enjoy this while it lasts."

The Scarecrow slumped with an aggrieved expression, making a defeated noise, "fine. Only if I still get to torment whoever it is you choose permanently for my own amusement."

Mini Kakashi eye smiled happily, "of course, I would never deny you that. As long as it's not an attempt to chase them away. I wouldn't bother with anyone who couldn't take you being a bastard on the chin, anyway."

Genma watched on, completely baffled, understanding the words they were using individually but not at all making sense of them when put together. When Mini Scarecrow spoke to Kakashi, it was in a relatively fast paced manner, using bizarre intonations, strange phrasing, and emphasis in odd places. It almost sounded like he was speaking another language entirely. That wasn't even including the fact that clearly context was required to understand any of it.

His main concern was whether Kakashi was still interested in maiming him, after having dragged Genma to his place and pressured him into agreeing to teach his kid - the bastard.

"So... firstly I just want to clarify that I don't smoke and I never have," he tentatively said.

Both Hatake members glanced at him like he was an idiot who was speaking nonsense. Maybe Mini Scarecrow was a bit of a bastard like his tou-san after all. At least he was an adorable bastard, who - from what Genma could tell - had dissuaded Kakashi from brutally murdering Genma.

"What?" Mini Scarecrow asked, his face flushing for some reason, and Kakashi's eye twitching when he spotted it- Genma was so very confused at what that was all about.

"You said I was smoking? I swear I don't smoke. And even if I did, I wouldn't around a young child."

Mini Kakashi abruptly laughed, "we know. Don't worry about it, Genma-san. It's all okay, your life and well-being is in no more danger than usual from tou-san."

"Right... and poisons are still something you'll be coming to me to learn about?" He did his best to look casual and laidback, but he kept an eye on Kakashi for any more unexplained murder urges.

Mini Kakashi eye smiled warmly and hummed in confirmation, before his face lit up, "oh! Since you're not sure about how to go about teaching me, you're welcome to look in on us. Ah, I mean on us training over the next week or so. You know, to um - to get an idea about how the others approach it. A-and what I'm like under their tutelage."

Kakashi looked like he was a moment away from banning this, before Mini Scarecrow not so surreptitiously jabbed an elbow into his side, his expression never losing the sunny smile. The bastard deflated once more with a wheeze, collected himself, and then gave the fakest eye smile Genma had seen to date.

Feeling particular vindictive for his trapped apartment, the various unspoken death threats through the evening, the manipulation, and just Kakashi's general bastard ways, Genma agreed. It helped that Mini Kakashi looked at Genma with a flushed look of cute elation.

* * *

It was only two days later that Genma got bored enough to check in on the Hatake duo in the morning, curious about Mini Kakashi's abilities. There were a few key things that had really sparked his interest about the kid in particular above most others; the fact that he was Kakashi's child being the most obvious - not just that though, but the fact that he was _only_ Kakashi's kid with no other influence there - the boy was almost definitely a genius and Genma wanted to see how far he had gotten in his training under such a short amount of time. There was something special about being able to watch someone you knew was going to be great, right at the start of their journey.

Another reason was that before the academy most clan kids had training, but in almost all clans it was pretty slow going and laid back until at least the age of about seven. Any training was done by clan members at low Jōnin or high Chūnin level (with the exception of clan heirs who generally got preferential treatment from their parents), which produced a certain predictable caliber of starting shinobi - good, with potential, but still solidly Genin level and no higher.

Subaru on the other hand was receiving personal training from Kakashi - one of the best Jōnin in Konoha - Gai - another one of the best Jōnin in Konoha - and Tenzō - from his Anbu reputation, probably a third Jōnin amongst the best in Konoha. None of those men were known for having reasonable standards, which was likely what had boosted them so high in their careers.

Genma wanted to see just what sort of results those three were pushing for in such a young kid. From what the boy had stated, and with Genma reading between the lines, it sounded potentially more intense than the training regime infamous genius Uchiha Itachi had had growing up - and look how that mental case had turned out.

Child geniuses whose shinobi potential was intensely worked on from such a young age were notoriously socially maladjusted. Genma had only spent a minimal amount of time with Uchiha Itachi before he slaughtered his own clan, but it was immediately apparent that the kid had never been allowed to do anything but work towards his shinobi career from day one, in order to bring 'honour' to his clan.

Kakashi himself was another example of a child genius being sub par in most social situations, and he was relatively grounded these days. Of course the worst one that Genma could think of - someone who he despised with every cell in his body - was Orichimaru; a child genius who even with all the opportunities in the world to make human connection thanks to his close teammates, had been incapable of caring for other people above his shinobi research.

And yet Subaru was, if anything, the opposite. Everything he had seen of the boy's behaviour had indicated an amazingly evolved understanding of social situations, and a definite ability to connect to others. His relationship with his father was not one restricted by mentor and student, elder and child - as he knew many shinobi fathers struggled with - but something in depth and comfortable. It had him highly curious, and wondering what the hell Kakashi had done to crack the age old problem any shinobi parent faced in a child with a shit ton of potential. How the fuck had that lucky bastard landed on the method to solve the balancing issue between compassionate parent and stern teacher?

So Genma went to see for himself, completely uncertain as to what he should be expecting. And... well. He wasn't disappointed.

"You know, when he said he had an exercise regime, I didn't expect Gai to be in charge of that. Considering regime suggests something regular, and for a two year old kid this is... brutal," Genma commented to an Icha Icha reading Kakashi, who was slouched casually against a tree.

The man's eye slid lazily toward Genma, barely looking at him for more than a second before his porn caught his attention once more.

"Maa, Su-chan thrives on the challenge, and works best when the chibi thinks we're asking no more or less than what Subaru is easily capable of with a bit of a push. There are no consequences for failure, no disappointment from anyone but the brat. If success is achieved though..." he shrugged nonchalantly.

"It's a massive morale boost. Which in and of itself is a motivator," Genma finished.

Kakashi made an affirmative noise, and then added, "and chocolate."

From across the field they were in, Mini Scarecrow's head whipped around from where he was making his tenth lap, carrying a bag of logs, "chocolate?"

Without removing his eyes from the page, Kakashi revealed a chocolate covered delicacy from somewhere on his person, "if you finish your daily average at least ten minutes earlier than normal."

Genma watched disturbed as Mini Scarecrow's eyes gained a rabid intensity that bordered on demonic, "fuck you," he snarled, staring at the treat jealously, and then threw himself vigorously back into training with a manic screech, while Gai spouted effusive declarations about Hard Work, and Youth from in front of the kid (running backward and upside down).

"Um..."

Kakashi eye smiled fondly, "Su-chan gets like that sometimes during training."

"How is that kid functional?! No, seriously. If that brat's pushed like this every day, from morning until evening he should be an emotionless tool, or at least well on his way. What the fuck, Kakashi. This is supposed to be the number one legal method to make your child a killer more than a person. How are you applying these methods... and churning out that result?" Genma ranted.

There was a beat, before Kakashi cheerfully stated, "superior clan rearing techniques."

Genma made a pained noise, as something precious broke inside him for the thousandth time since knowing the scarecrow bastard, "Kami, I truly hate you."

* * *

Genma watched sporadically over the next few days as Mini Kakashi performed his frankly insane (for his age) exercise regime with Gai whenever the man was available, and with Kakashi whenever he wasn't. Durability, flexibility, speed, strength, reflexes and awareness were relentlessly pushed to a higher standard through a variety of methods. Tenzō popped by occasionally, in order to participate in some of the awareness and reflexes exercises.

It quickly became apparent that Tenzō and Mini Scarecrow had some sort of horrifying friendship/mentorship based upon trap making. Trap making by itself of course was nothing horrifying, but Tenzō and Mini Kakashi truly brought out the ruthless and blood thirsty bastard in each other, as they fed off each other's cruel and unusual trap making ideas to reach new mildly nauseating heights. He really wasn't sure if he wanted to contribute to that with poisons, but by this point he hardly had a choice.

Despite the kid's extremely high performance, Genma soon realised that the reason why he was so humble compared to his tou-san as a child was that the boy didn't interact with a single person within fifteen years of his age. This didn't exactly allow for accurate comparison, and none of his teachers showed any inclination of using other kids as a measuring stick for Mini Scarecrow. As a result, Genma realised, Mini Scarecrow really didn't know just how good he was for his age when he only had three top Jōnin to hold himself as a standard to.

For fucks sake, with Kunai and shuriken throwing Genma had no doubt that the boy would reach Chūnin levels within a few months. It made him itch to teach the boy the art of senbon, to see just how far he could get with the brat. Kakashi, for all that there was no outward sign, was increasingly smug in the face of Genma's incredulity.

None of those bastards understood moderation in training in the slightest, and it looked like Subaru was going to be just like them. He already was.

Despite all this, the boy's continued red faced and stammering bashfulness around Genma, his clear and fairly enthusiastic (for a Hatake) adoration for both Gai and Kakashi, and his quick wit in conversation during lunch had Genma growing reluctantly fond toward him. Massively helped by the fact that he was a goddamn cute chibi and no one could deny it.

(That was mostly a lie. Yes he was adorable, but it was the way Kakashi softened around him, the way they seemed to make each other happy just by being around each other. The fact that the kid kept the almost perpetually bored Scarecrow on his feet all the time. The fact that he made Kakashi genuinely smile and _laugh_. How could Genma not like the boy, when he was making one of his closest friends look as healthy and -dare he say it- peaceful as he was. More than Genma had ever seen him.)

It also settled something in Genma to watch Kakashi patiently coach his savage kid slowly through learning the academy bunshin, kawarimi and henge. It was less like Kakashi telling Mini Kakashi what to do, and more like providing the boy with a starting point, and Mini Kakashi asking any questions if he felt something was unclear or came across any problems.

Otherwise, Kakashi just provided the kid with a goal, or a set of them, and let him work his way toward them himself -which seemed to suit his son fine. It began to make sense to Genma, when he realised that Kakashi was letting the boy set his own pace, and merely giving him pushes and prods occasionally to see if he was capable of going further.

It ensured Kakashi didn't push his son too much, and also didn't hold him back with expectations of what should have been achievable at his young age. It might not have worked with another kid, but this one was plenty capable by this point of pushing himself to his own limits with only a bit of prompting.

It was obvious that compared to his insane learning rate in all other areas, Mini Scarecrow struggled with chakra application. Which was weirdly nice (gaining some sort of satisfaction out of a two year old having difficulty with something, a new low?), especially since this was clearly something that both Hatake had come across before and didn't have a fix for.

They slowly (not that slowly really, but Genma's perceptions of learning speeds had been completely fucked at this point from over exposure to both Hatake members) worked their way through the problems, as Mini Scarecrow strained with his chakra to make it do as he wanted it to.

In between bouts of practice, when Subaru needed a break before he apparently exploded from a combination of effort and frustration, Genma taught him to throw senbon. Of course the kid took to it like a duck to water, and then wanted immediately to know how to kill and paralyse people with it - some of the questions the brat asked with those innocent and round eyes made Genma realise that as the bashfulness decreased, his tou-san's influence increased.

Mini Kakashi increasingly gained some sort of perverse enjoyment (if the pleased flush of his face was any indication) out of fucking with Genma's head, just like the Scarecrow bastard did, but with added cuteness. To Genma's dismay, he discovered that after his apparent grace period, the kid showed himself to be a Mini Bastard. And then apparently was so delighted by his new name that he endeavoured to live up to it as much as possible.

Of course his bastard father was both proud and smug, while looking completely oblivious to it all. By this point Genma was in too deep to escape, and pitied himself greatly, all the while teaching the Mini Bastard about poisons. On the plus side, though, he came to spend more time Gai than he had since his Genin days, and got to know Tenzō who was pretty decent - if a touch awkward - and who despaired almost as much over Kakashi's Bastard ways as Genma did. The only down side was the murder happy nerd friendship that Genma somehow found himself unwillingly dragged into when Tenzō and Kakashi's savage child spent any time together.

* * *

It was only over a month later, when Genma sat down in Gai's apartment eating dinner and drinking with Tenzō, Kakashi, Gai, and Mini Bastard, that he admitted to himself that he didn't regret being let in on Kakashi's secret for a moment. Looking across the table at Kakashi, who was more relaxed and content than he could ever remember seeing the man in a social situation, Genma allowed himself his own moment of pleased contentment for his friend.

* * *

 _Just to make a few things clear; yes that is a crush Sonaru very quickly formed on Genma. No Genma doesn't have a clue, because 'smoking' is not slang for sexy in Konoha (don't know about Japan), but Kakashi is smart enough to make the connection in translation without hesitation, and also knows her well enough to understand very quickly what's going on. Nothing is ever going to come of it due to Sonarus physical age, which is why Kakashi sort of calmed down. She still has a crush on Genma but got hold of herself enough in the end to stop falling over herself and start pulling pigtails._

 _Also no, Sonaru is not at all at Chūnin levels in anything yet, in case there's any confusion, but she's best at kunai and shuriken throwing out of everything so far, and Genma basically estimates that if she keeps improving at the same rate she'll be Chūnin level in that by the time she's three. Not in anything else though. Good weapons throwing does not a Chūnin make._

 _And Genma enjoys using the word bastard as a coping mechanism, as well as exaggerating about his own problems in his head. We all do it from time to time._

 _Hope you enjoyed this one!_

 _The family/friendship group has increased to five. Is there anyone else you'd like Sonaru (in either persona) to meet before shit starts to go down?_

 _Under what situations would you like her to meet them?_


	33. Chapter 33

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

What even is this chapter. Seriously, I had an idea of what was going to happen in this chapter to progress the story, and then this came out instead. I don't even like it. I just gave up getting this chapter on track after over 3000 and called it quits.

I'll try again on the next one.

Anyway, no editing apologies for mistakes.

English speaking is underlines as always.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 33 - I Got The Magic In Me**

Despite the fact that I had learned already to suppress my chakra, to direct it toward or away from my eyes to control my dōjutsu, and to stick a leaf to my forehead - all of these things had either no visual effect or one that could be fairly easily replicated with some trickery in my original world. Suppressing chakra was all about internal feelings and senses, and with some know how one could be convinced into feeling the most outrageous things that had no bearing on reality.

Sticking a leaf to my forehead was really not the most outlandish thing I had ever seen, and could easily be replicated with glue or a small amount of double sided sticky tape, or even sap from the tree it was plucked from. The eyes, while too detailed -and frankly quite freaky looking -to be copied by contacts accurately, were still something I could easily wrap my head around thanks to the numerous coloured and patterned contacts that had existed in my old world - and the even better versions that existed in this one. These had been the only applications of chakra I had learned until DFB taught me about henge, kawarimi and bunshin.

Perhaps it happened the way it did because we started with henge first, and although I kept it well suppressed, every time I looked in the mirror I was reminded of my issues with this body and the face I wore. It was difficult enough on some days not to irrationally claw at the pink-toned peachy skin on the too-small shoulders, just to see if I could peel it away like a layer of dried school glue, to find a comfortably familiar wheat colour underneath - of nebulous heritage that so few people had ever been able to correctly guess - that was was the well loved marker of multiple generations stubbornly falling into scandalous marriages to produce daughters and sons even more rebellious than their forebearers.

Most days I could look at the ( _always too young_ ) face I saw in my reflection and examine it objectively. As nothing more than another tool in my disposal, micro expressions to be honed and practiced just as any other shinobi art. In my best moments I felt a warm curl in my chest when I saw the the Hatake genes so strong and present in me, and was proud to think of DFB and Hatake Sakumo and believe 'that's mine. I carry that with me'. But just as often, I quietly ached for the loss of my family, and saw that loss stare back at me in the paler skin and hair and in the still alien body I wore.

So perhaps it was because we started with henge first. Either way, I was relieved that when I finally managed to wrestle past my own barriers and mentally bash my chakra into submission enough to achieve that first henge, I was at home with only DFB around. Partially out of a secret desire to show DFB, partially out of the intimate detail I could most easily remember out of any possible form, and partly out of morbid curiosity to see if I could, the first henge I achieved was not the face of anyone from Konoha or even the Elemental Nations, but of a dusky wheat toned young woman whose face and body had belonged to my original world.

I succeeded with my first henge with tired triumph, and after DFB told me with a pleased eye smile that I had finally done it he faltered slightly afterward asking who I had henged into, with no recognition for the person I was disguised as. I caught my reflection in the balcony doors with slight anticipation clenching my gut, the fading light outside allowing the glass to serve as a decent enough mirror. My heart yanked painfully against my ribs, and there was a sharp ringing in my ears as I stared at the familiar stranger in the glass. She stared back, her eyes widening with mine, and her body freezing in tandem, as my eyes locked on a ghost.

Adrenaline crashed through my system and I was distantly aware of my pulse beating in my ears competing with the ringing noise, as her face went alarmingly grey. My throat convulsed as I swallowed and I watched as hers did the same.

I had seen DFB and Gai and Tenzō perform seemingly impossible feats - move at speeds my eyes couldn't comprehend, breathe fire with nothing more than a gesture, shape the earth around them at a whim, form water and direct it against the force of gravity, harness and create and control lightening, and weaponise the very air. I had also seen magicians in my old world awe with seemingly impossible feats in the same vein - perhaps not identical and certainly not designed for anything more than showmanship, but visually impressive nonetheless.

I had watched fantasy based films with increasingly advanced special effects until sometimes even the most amazing of them seemed almost mundane. I knew it was all real in this new life, compared the trickery and performance and effects in my old one, but visually they were not so different from each other and I had easily taken it all in stride once it became tangible and even deadly.

This was nothing like that. This was closer to being the magician on magic shows intending to react as though what they were doing wasn't fake to help everyone buy into the act, and then realising as it happened that the magic was real. Or like being a method actor, fully immersed into the role and living it, expecting the special effects to be added in afterward, or to be noticeably fake behind the camera, and caught off guard when it became obvious that method acting wasn't going to be enough because this was reality and had been the whole time.

That wasn't even including the dead girl I couldn't take my eyes away from. If I moved I was certain she would disappear and I would lose everything all over again. Everything shuddered and shook around me, and a flicker of thought raced across my brain that perhaps it the world was in protest of two of the same person existing at once from two different points in time. Her and me. I felt suddenly like I had been stolen from my own body and was looking at it, painfully separated from myself and never able to return. Not to my body, and not to my life.

A warm pressure appeared on my shoulder and it took me a beat too long to recognise DFB's hand. His face appeared in my vision, blocking out my view of the other me. He stared for long seconds and after a moment of pure anger that he was standing in the way of what I needed to see, and had probably made me lose it forever, I was able to think past my feelings and listen past the ringing in my ears to notice that he was talking to me.

His face finally focussed into view and I recognised the sharp concern in his eyes, and the intensity of his voice as he tried to get me to respond. I realised it wasn't the world shaking, but me.

"Su-chan. Su-chan, say something to me. What's wrong?"

I took a stuttering breath, and resisted the urge to lean around DFB to check the balcony doors, keeping my eyes trained on his.

"I- it's me."

"What?" He asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

"I was surprised by the face. It's... my face."

It took a few moments, but I saw the realisation bloom across his features, and then double in intensity. Curiosity warred with lingering concern on his face as he looked over me again, taking in the henge more carefully.

In lieu of saying anything that might upset me further, DFB softened and asked, "Maa, I thought you said you were around twenty?"

"I look about fifteen, don't I?" I asked with a shaky attempt at smile.

"Maybe a year younger than that," he confirmed, "why don't you drop the henge. You can practice more later, and you're still shaking."

I almost said no, scared that if I did I would never see my face again, and I wasn't ready for that. But I was also cold and tired and feeling wobbly inside, so I swallowed and nodded, allowing the henge to drop and seeing out of the edges of my vision the change of colour and shape of my nose and the tops of my cheekbones.

DFB put a hand to the side of my face and commented quietly, "you're pale and cold, and you feel clammy."

I was lifted into his arms, briefly spotting the once more tiny pale child in the glass. I surprised both of us when tears welled up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks. Frustration at my own tears only made them fall faster, and my chest seemed to twist around itself painfully as I drowned in an overwhelming grief.

DFB didn't say anything - after that first time with my dojutsū activating he never did during the few times I had cried - and sat on to sofa with me, as I hid my face against his chest and ruined his clothing. I didn't know how long it was before I felt calm and empty, if slightly shaken, but eventually I shifted away from the wet patch, and quietly stared off to the side content not to think for a little while as DFB soothingly scritched my scalp.

"Thanks," I rasped after some time. DFB hummed in response, still reading his Icha Icha to give me a sense of privacy in my own grief.

"Sorry," I added.

"Don't apologise."

Regardless, I still felt like I owed him an explanation, "I knew I was practising a henge for my own face, but it didn't really land that it meant I would be seeing it again until I was looking at my reflection. I was caught off guard. And... I miss the people who knew me by that face. I miss my sisters especially.

"But most of all, I miss my face and body reflecting my age. I know I looked much younger, but I knew how to make myself look twenty without much work. I don't mind this body a lot of the time... but I- it's a struggle to be so young physically. I'm never going to be accepted properly amongst those my age because they'll always consider themselves my elders, and I'm always going to feel so much older than those my physical age.

"A lot of the time I feel caught in between two ages, never belonging to either. Maybe it won't matter so much when this body reaches adulthood, but for now it does. It makes me worry... that- that one day I will outlive you and Gai, and Tenzō and Genma and all the other people I feel more comfortable around because of how old they are, and I'll be alone."

There was a long silence, and I knew DFB was thinking over what I had said. It taken a few conversations for us to get there initially, but in time he had come to understand that unless I asked directly, most of the time I didn't want him try to fix my problems - I just wanted him to listen and maybe offer some advice. I too had come to understand that regardless of if I just wanted him to listen, if DFB had a solution he knew or strongly suspected would solve my issue he would do something about it. There wasn't a quick fix to this though, and he knew that too.

"People grow up here faster. I know it's a struggle now, with you being so young in Konoha, but I think when those who will consider you their peer get to the age of around fourteen to sixteen this will be less of a concern to you."

I made an affirmative noise in reply and said nothing more. We sat there for some minutes, me taking comfort in DFB's presence, and DFB enjoying being able to provide me with what I needed just by being there. I knew without him saying that DFB would have preferred me not to attempt a henge again until tomorrow, but after the warmth had returned to my limbs and my thoughts had settled into its familiar tempo a slowly building anticipation grew within me, urging me to try again.

It settled into my mind that I had just cast a motherfucking bonafide illusion. No tricks. No faking. I had genuinely done magic. Chakra. Whatever. It excited the hell out of me and having recovered from the shock of my first success, I was raring to go again.

Despite DFB's reluctance, he made no move to stop me when I made my intentions clear, and although it took me a few more tries to get it right, before long DFB was standing in front of a copy of himself, Icha Icha and all. Of course the illusion was ruined slightly by the fact that I couldn't keep still, and kept wiggling around in my excitement. It made for a strangely funny image when I saw it in the glass doors.

* * *

From then on, there was no stopping me from practicing henge, bunshin and kawarimi in my spare time. I was mildly disappointed to discover that my initial breakthrough didn't make the other techniques come to me any faster, but that initial taste was enough to keep my enthusiasm up until I got them right.

Working with Genma on poisons in the midst of all that was a welcome break. Poisons was, beyond practicing with senbon to be able to pierce the correct area, not a physical pursuit. Unlike the academy material, it was challenging too. I had to learn not just what the poison was composed of, not just how to make it or source it, but exactly why it worked the way it worked on the body, how to quickly adjust the amount used depending on desired effect or size of the target. I had to learn the various known poisons associated with different regions, and sometimes associated with different shinobi or teams.

I wasn't allowed to work with a poison until I had learned how to make and apply its antidote at a speed that suited Genma, as well as how to recognise a poison used by its symptoms. His books that he kept at his place were filled with material that I devoured at a rate I knew surprised him. I only occasionally had to ask Genma what certain words meant, and after a while, once I found a dictionary specifically for shinobi medical terminology with a thick section on poisons, I didn't need to ask him any more questions beyond to occasionally expand or clarify on certain points.

Genma was a constant pleasure to work with, and I was surprised he'd not been asked to teach Genin students before. He was always supportive and warm, even when he was acting aggravated by my DFB-like tendencies. Genma excelled at carrying a conversation without almost ever talking in depth about himself, he always sounded genuinely interested by what came out of other people's mouths, impressed by their accomplishments no matter how small, and regretful for their failures.

He was almost always smiling, with a joke hovering at the edge of his mouth, and was constantly one comment away from laughing. He was tactile, but not in an invasive manner, and gentle, but completely self confident in his own abilities and knowledge. He was also a consummate flirt with anyone that caught his fancy, which I knew definitely did not include me (thank god), but that demeanour bled through slightly into his day to day interactions.

It was impossible to get rid of the huge stinking crush I had on him. But at least after a few weeks I managed to shove it down far enough that it didn't get in the way of learning from him too much. It didn't fool DFB, who barely managed to hide his own horror of the situation on some days, but then again, I figured if I had to suffer from an unwanted crush, he could suffer alongside me.

It helped when I wasn't alone with Genma, and had to keep it together in front of another person, and so Tenzō began to join us a lot of the time once I had the basics down, in order to act as a buffer, as well as to help me combine poisons and traps. The debates we got into, while probably disturbing for anyone who might have passed us by while we talked, were highly enjoyable, and something I had missed being a part of.

DFB and I occasionally debated, but with most things shinobi related, he was vastly superior in knowledge and so it was less of a debate and more of a lesson. Tenzō and Genma had not previously combined their areas of passion and so to be able to partake in the conversations with ideas that had genuine merit and were somewhat original, for all that I still knew far less than them, made me look forward all the more to the next time we'd be together.

* * *

Once Gai, who had been gone for over a week on a mission, came back and picked up my physical training and conditioning once more, DFB received a summons to the Hokage. It was the same time as it had been a year ago, and all of us knew what he was going to be asked. Unlike last year, when his reluctance came largely from my recovery, this year his reluctance came from his desire to keep training me. Outside of Genma, who I knew was slowly picking it up from the small inadvertent hints we gave away in his presence, we all knew that there was a reason I was being trained so hard, even if only I knew what that exact reason was as of yet.

Like the year before, he agreed on the condition that the Genin team pass the bell test and like the year before, they failed. I knew they would, and DFB had been certain they would, too. He came back from the Genin team test, and whether he had already planned it, or he had seen something in the Genin team that prompted him, I was told he was going to start to different exercises with me that would become two of the most important methods for learning the Hatake fighting style.

They were two methods, he said, that were almost ridiculous in their universal use by almost all shinobi, but the Hatake clan had learned how to train themselves above the others in their application. I was already being taught the Hatake way of learning hand to hand, specially catered for my body shape and size, and I had been trained into the dirt to break past mental barriers I hadn't known were there. Beyond that, it was now apparently time to start putting into practice all the other things I had been taught along the way; henge, kawarimi, bunshin, chakra suppression, traps, kunai and shuriken and senbon throwing, poisons, awareness.

* * *

 _Sorry for the crappy chapter, but at least I got a bit of poison stuff in there._

 _On the plus side, I've done all the possible prevaricating I could do regarding this section of the story, so next one should do more to progress the story._


	34. Chapter 34

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This chapter is just one long conversation. Not entirely what I intended. Oh well. Kakashi and Sonaru just don't want to stick to the non existent script when they're talking to each other.

I've done no editing so sorry for mistakes.

As always English speaking isn't underlined.

Also I'm aware that this chapter is theory heavy, and that can be boring for some, but I love theory heavy chapters as long as I have a vague understanding of what's being talked about.

I especially love theories about shit that doesn't make sense (like sharingan) using pseudoscience or actual science to make it seem almost plausible.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 34 - Leave Behind Your Narrow Mind You'll Never Be The Same**

I sat in the usual training field, breathing carefully, and watching DFB with anticipation as his gaze raked critically over my posture, my expression and the pattern of my breaths. My mind buzzed with anticipation and I forcibly wrangled my young energy-filled body under control in order to prevent fidgeting.

"Do you know how the Uchiha clan's sharingan works, Sona?" He finally asked. My eyes sharpened at the use of my first name, and I knew he was asking me I'd learned how the dojutsū worked in my original life.

"Not exactly. It enables the wielder to perceive time at a slower rate and with greater detail, in order to react quicker to what they can see, often giving the impression that they are reacting before their opponent has even moved and thus predicting the future. In combat the detail perfectly memorised combined with the ability to see chakra means they can copy jutsu from those around them. It also allows the wielder to cast extremely powerful genjutsu. There are multiple levels of maturity. One tomoe, two tomoe, three tomoe, and... that's all I can say,"

Behind the veneer of DFB's impassive blinking, I could almost see his thoughts working at an intense rate, slotting my current knowledge of the sharingan, and all of the known sharingan owners, to guess at which of them might have been relevant and how in what I had known of the Elemental Nations before living here.

"Good, it's the perception of time that's relevant for this lesson. Almost all Uchiha who have described what it's like to fight with the sharingan have described the experience as time slowing down. This has led to the misconception that the sharingan allows Uchiha to perceive time at a slower rate. The eyes are also known, as you said, for allowing the dojutsū wielder to see in far greater detail. Seeing in greater detail is, in fact, all there is to the phenomenon."

I stared at him for about ten seconds, waiting for what he had just said to make sense to me, "what?"

"Do you understand the concept of time seeming to slow down for people during traumatic, high adrenaline, extremely busy or completely brand new situations?" He expanded.

"Yes?"

"And yet you've already told me that there is a saying in English 'time flies when you're having fun' which seems to contradict this concept of time slowing down."

"I... guess. I've never really thought of it like that."

"This is because in a traumatic or high adrenaline or busy or brand new situation our minds stop paying attention to the time passing. When you've been bored in the past, I'm sure you clock watched like any other person, and by doing so you were far more aware of time passing second by second. Our awareness of each second or minute of passing time serves to make our perception of time pass slower. The opposite also occurs, hence the time passing quicker when we don't notice time ticking onward."

"But you just said in traumatic and-"

"Time seems to slow down, yes. This is because during those situations our brains pay attention to and remember far more detail than in repetitive or boring moments. In the moment, time is passing exactly the same regardless of what is happening, but in one scenario we lose track of time making it seem to pass faster, and yet walk away with our brain having paid far more attention and remembered greater detail, whereas in the other we arduously notice the passage of time and walk away with our brain having not needed to remember much and few details noticed."

"So... I still don't think I get it."

"It is only retrospectively that time seems to have slowed down for the person, because they have an amount details and a length of memory usually associated with longer stretches of time."

"This is the same for the sharingan?"

"To an extent, yes," DFB nodded, "the sharingan eyes allow the wielder to see and memorise an extremely abnormal amount of detail, which retrospectively would make the situations the person used it in seem to pass very slowly."

"But if time only seems to pass slower in the sharingan user's perception when looking back on an event, how does it allow them to act as though time is passing slower for them in the moment?"

"When an Uchiha initially unlocked their sharingan, much of the time it only gave them a small boost when compared to their potential with further physical training. The use of sharingan in battle relies a lot on the person's physical ability to keep up with what their eyes can see."

"So what you're saying is that if someone from my old world was given a sharingan just in time for someone to throw a knife at their head, they'd be just as dead as before, but they'd be able to see the knife coming at them in great detail. It's only a shinobi's immense physical reflexes that lets them keep up with what their eyes tell them, and the sharingan allows their eyes to see far more detail."

"Exactly," DFB nodded approvingly, and I allowed the new discovery to re-jig my precious perception of the famous dojutsū.

"Huh. I'd always thought that the sharingan was just this unexplainable bullshit mystical overpowered dojutsū. Kinda like mine own ocular haemorrhage is supposed to be," I mused, referring to my own dojutsū as vaguely as I could despite the switch in language, just in case, "you know, when I figure out how to work the bastarding thing."

"It is an unexplainable bullshit mystical overpowered dojutsū," he blandly replied, "once the sharingan changes beyond three tomoe there is no reasonable explanation for anything it's capable of," he tilted his head and then conceded, "this is probably because no legal studies have been done on the sharingan unlocked beyond three tomoe. A fully unlocked sharingan also hasn't occurred often enough for any hypothesis to be tested."

Hoo boy, there was a whole lot I could real into and pick apart with the wording of those sentences. Was DFB aware that he had unlocked the mangekyou? I couldn't remember in the anime or manga if he'd had to be told or had known all along and simply hadn't had the chakra reserves to use it until much later. I didn't know if the knowledge his character depiction had had would match up

"Right. And... how is this all relevant?"

"With the correct training, you can also train your senses to pick up far more details in a fight than is average, even for a shinobi. Obviously our eyes are no where near as advanced as a sharingan, but as Hatake we have a superior sense of hearing and smell - akin to that of an Inuzuka with a small amount of chakra focussed around certain parts of the nose and ears.

"Our vision is also above average, and although you won't be able to see it, I can teach you to sense the movement of chakra instead. All of these things combined will serve the same purpose as the sharingan in allowing you to notice minute details. The better your physical training, the quicker your reaction time, and the more opponents you will be able to beat, regardless of their flashy justus. Speed and reaction time is even more important for you than me."

"Because I'm small, and regardless of how much I grow in the future I'm likely to lack brute strength due to biology," I finished for him.

"Exactly. But that wasn't why I brought up time perception during fighting- the comparison got away from me. I told you that keeping track of the time and the awareness of its passing is what seems to slow it down in the moment."

"Except that happens when someone's bored or unengaged. I really doubt that's the case in most fights."

"Do you remember how your training started?"

"Special breathing and special standing."

DFB's visible eyelid drooped just a fraction lower at my phrasing, aware that by now I knew far more of the terminology behind breathing, but couldn't be bothered to use it.

"You know by now that with the exception of chakra, breathing is the main connection between your body and your mind, and constant control over it is of paramount importance."

I nodded once, "lose control of my breathing and I lose control of the fight."

"You also lose control of your ability to _think_ during a fight. You've more than trained your body enough that your mind is able to maintain a level of clarity and conscious thought during rigorous exercise."

"And that's heavily connected to my control over my breathing when I'm exercising and fighting," I commented thoughtfully, having learned that lesson close to the beginning.

"The next step is connecting your control over your breathing and your mind state to your awareness of time during a fight, no matter how caught off guard you are or how intense it is. You're going to learn to be aware of every second that passes in the back of your mind, and in between every second you're going to learn how to create tactics that effectively use every technique you've learned so far."

He sounded... satisfied, as I stared incredulously at him at the secret behind why he was _never_ truly caught off guard for more than a fraction of a second.

"Oh that's all?" I asked sarcastically.

DFB eye smiled at me and raised a single finger into the air, "...nope!"

"That's just the Hatake method of learning on the spot tactics when you're directly faced with danger, and you have to make something up. That mind frame will be useful regardless of if you find yourself in a fight you expected or not, of course, but I don't want you to be surprised by unexpected things _all_ the time."

"Of course," I replied dryly, "so I'm assuming learning on the spot tactics was one of those 'ridiculously universal' things you mentioned, that our clan has clearly taken to the next level. This is the other one then?"

DFB gave an affirmative noise and said, "visualisation."

I tilted my head, "like... visualising something? Isn't that just imagination?"

I expected him to correct me, since I was largely joking, but he didn't.

"Yup, it's just using your imagination," he sounded far too pleased.

I paused, expecting him to add something else but it became quickly apparent that nothing further would be forthcoming without prompting.

"Visualisation under what circumstances?" I asked.

He shrugged lazily, "any circumstances in which you have the time."

Another pause.

"C'mon DFB, stop fucking around just tell me." (I did _not_ whine)

"Maa fine, I'll get on with it," he waved a placating hand at me and smiled, "do you know why the Hatake clan is often compared to the Nara clan?"

"Tou-san!" (I _definitely_ did not whine)

"Patience Subaru, the history of our clan is important. You need to learn not just what we do and why we do it, but how it came to be this way."

Right - _that_ was why he went off on a tangent about the fucking sharingan. I'd thought it was because he found the experience of having one to be an adequate comparison, rather than a couple of training methods potentially inspired by the dojutsū that a Hatake probably invented generations ago.

I deflated and pouted in a mild sulk, but was unable to prevent the curiosity over our family history from shining through - _any_ history that someone was willing to share with me really. Still, I was unwilling to let the asshole win entirely; reaching into my leg pouch I pulled out a limp piece of material and plastic. Under DFB's confused watch, I blew into my blow up cushion and then sat on it, wriggling around on it slightly in order for maximum squish.

Finally settled, I turned back to him and was met with a deadpan expression.

"What?" I defended myself, "if you're going to be telling story time, then I want to be comfortable."

"Which is another thing we'll be minimising your reliance on at some point. Being a shinobi is not about being comfortable. Outside physical exertion and sparring you're unaccustomed to being comfortable with discomfort."

I shrugged, "well I guess I'll treasure every second of squishy comfort until that time comes."

I was pretty sure he muttered something about hedonistic tendencies -which hey, not untrue- but dropped the subject to continue with the history lesson.

"No individual Hatake so far has ever been able to beat a Nara of the same shinobi caliber in a fight purely reliant on intelligence and wit. I doubt a Hatake ever will do so either. And yet, Hatakes are known especially for their ability to fight _smart_. So why is it, that if I went toe to toe multiple times against Nara Shikaku, the only Nara currently on par with my abilities, that a majority of the wins would go to me?"

"You're just naturally that badass?" Was that a blush? How cute! DFB was acting all humble and modest!

"That's- ah- no. Not quite. Generally a Nara has one of two strengths; strategy or tactics. Tactics is, as you know, the specific actions to take in order to achieve the plan; the plan being to avoid getting caught up in whatever traps Nara Shikaku would be deploying and at the same time outmanoeuvre him in this theoretical battle. Strategy is the plan to achieve the longer term goal; in this case it is the goal to win the battle with minimal injuries or chakra depletion.

"One is more short term, the other is generally long term. Nara Shikaku's strengths play toward longer term strategy, which is part of the reason why he makes such a formidable team with Yamanaka Inoichi and Akamichi Chōji; Inoichi is far better at tactics, and Chōji is excellent at implementing what both of his teammates came up with.

"Or at least this used to be the case. Now whatever shortcomings Shikaku once had with tactics compared to Inoichi has been overcome and the same vice versa with strategy. Nevertheless, Shikaku will always be better and more comfortable with strategy than tactics. It would be a very arrogant mistake to make, of course, to assume that if a Nara's strength lay in one they would be bad at the other - they are not _only_ good in or the other, just _better_.

"A Hatake on the other hand, strives to be equally strong at both. Nara Shikaku may outclass me in strategy, but I'm not too far behind him, and I'm equally as skilled in tactics as I am in strategy. _That_ is why I would beat him most of the time."

Christ, how did he sound so cool when he lectured me about fighting techniques? As I watched and listened I found myself unable to stop the almost proud grin from stretching across my face underneath my mask. I could hear the palpable difference between his far more tentative and hesitant attempts to teach me earlier in the year and his current hands on epicness.

"What's that expression for?" He asked bemused, having caught my face moving underneath the mask and the crinkles of my eyes.

I shrugged casually, "just... you know. I'm really glad you're my family. I don't think I'd ever known such a BAMF before you, and the fact that I'm related to you and being taught the Way of the BAMF is pretty awesome."

Was that another mild modest blush that was making its way on DFB's face? Too cute!

"Maa that's kind of you to say Su-chan," he eye smiled and then rubbed the back of his neck in what I knew to be an attempt at brushing off the awkwardness he felt at being complimented.

Taking pity on him, I clapped my hands once, "So! Visualisation you said?"

"Aa, that's right. Most shinobi are taught this at the most rudimentary level and aren't encouraged to develop this further to mentally prepare them for all the various situations they might face in battle. Nara, as you know, are deep thinkers, it's what most of them spend the majority of their time doing. Did you know that many in the clan also have a tendency toward depression and anxiety?"

I shook my head, unable to reconcile anxiousness with the laid back clan of sloths.

"The Nara who are better at strategy- at thinking and imagining all of the possible variations of problems that might occur in their future and how to be ready for them - are more prone to these issues. Can you imagine being as smart as them, able to consider so many horrific possibilities, and feel the need to find solutions to every single one before they've got chances of becoming reality?

"Many of them find it easier just to _not_ think, and indulge in board games, or other distractions, rather than get lost down that mental tunnel."

"So a lot of Nara... overthink themselves into anxiety and depression?" I asked.

"Sound familiar?" DFB raised his eyebrow at me, and I scowled faintly but didn't deny.

"The visualisation to mentally prepare you will be an invaluable resource, and I suspect it will come to you far easier than immediate tactical planning, but it's something you need to be careful with. If you become too invested in what you visualise, in either a negative or a positive manner, there can be consequences for your mind. Don't get lost in trying to constantly predict what might happen, or you could find yourself back to where you were over a year ago," he warned, not unkindly.

I chewed the inside of my lip in consternation. It was one thing to promise that now, but there was probably a real shit storm on its way in the years to come, and as someone DFB had correctly stated was prone to overthinking things in an attempt to predict the future more accurately, there was a solid chance I might find myself going down that road unintentionally.

"How do I stop myself from doing it too much? How do I even _know_ when it's too much?" I sounded faintly troubled, but quickly relaxed under the subtly reassuring look DFB sent me.

"Naras might be prone toward the same issue, but they've also got some of the best coping methods out of all the shinobi clans. In fact, of all the clans in Konoha, they have the best record for continued mental stability in their veteran shinobi."

"What about Inuzuka? Wouldn't that pack mentality help? Plus they basically have their own therapy dogs."

"Almost all of them have serious anger management issues. That's not even mentioning the fact that the clan is full of shinobi with some form of Impulse Control Disorder; substance related, behaviour addiction, hyperactivity and the list goes on."

"The Akimichi are pretty laid back."

"It's a careful balancing act with their kekkei genkai, but a lot of them have body dysmorphia or some form of eating disorder."

"Huh... even though it makes sense I never would have guessed. Fine, what about the Yamanaka clan? Half of them are shinobi therapists. Surely they've got their shit sorted?"

"Half of them are also mental torture and interrogation specialists. Funnily enough, the ability to mentally break people down with efficiency and the occasional help of a kekkei genkai does not encourage stability."

"Aburame? Wait, never mind, they're probably a tangle of emotional suppression. I bet a lot of them get confused between between excising or denying the existence of their emotions and not making decisions based on irrational emotional logic."

"They're not bad, they're just not as good as the Nara clan. The Aburame clan generally raise their children to be aware of the difference between repressing their feelings and making logical decisions in the face of them. But you're correct in that they can get it wrong. Unfortunately when an Aburame is imbalanced they'll get depressed, deny, and continue to deny until it's severe. There is also the struggle with deep shame for some of them for those who repress their feelings and emotional thoughts, which inevitably end up haunting them. A lot of the time it also results in a distortion of their logic, which leads to mistakes in the field or alienation of comrades."

"... The Nara clan though? Seriously? They're Konoha's example of positive mental health?"

"I've noticed you didn't suggest the Hyūga clan," DFB dryly remarked, and I couldn't help but snort at the completely inappropriate joke.

"That's just low, DFB. You can't make a suggestive comment about the emotional and mental stability of what is essentially a clan that is filled with slaves and slavers... well you can, but you're an asshole for it."

"Slaves and slavers? A bit irreverent for one of Konoha's most prestigious clans," he half joked.

"Ugh, don't get me started on them. There's a reason I carefully don't think about that clan, and it's because I've never been face to face with slavery before. I'm not sure me, you or any of the Hyūga would be prepared for the fall out of me ruminating too deeply on that fucking shit stain of an issue," I grumbled, with real venom in my tone.

"Noted," DFB cautiously commented, "... to make this perfectly clear, if in the future you do intend on doing something potentially upsetting and/or illegal to either Hyūga branch, or their entire family structure as it stands, I'd like to be informed as early in the planning as possible."

"Pinky promise," I grinned, "anyway, how'd you know so much about the emotional and mental states of the shinobi clans? No offence or anything DFB, but you've never exactly been a poster child for social intelligence."

"I had to start from somewhere beyond books, Gai and one doctor, when I was trying to learn how to deal with a zombie baby," he blandly replied.

"Oi! I may have been a zombie baby, but make no mistake _I_ was the one who learned how to deal with _you_ , Hatake 'I've never burped my kid in my life' Kakashi. You're bloody lucky I never got gas, that shit hurts you know," I squawked in outrage.

"I once sat you down, and you didn't move or open your eyes for five hours. I kept having to check to make sure you weren't dead," came the pointed drone.

"Fucking count your blessings I was a quiet one, you wouldn't last an hour with a real baby. They're noisy, smelly, messy, snotty, pukey, demanding little shits. How many times did you gave to change a messy diaper? Once. Luck. _Luck_."

"Aa, luck. It had nothing to do with the fact that you have a phobia of faeces."

"Exactly. I'm glad you agree with me," I sniffed, hiding the twitch at the corner of my mouth.

"Admit you made a terrible baby, Su-chan," DFB demanded after making a vaguely amused noise.

"You admit you made a terrible new parent, Tou-san- aw crap."

"Something wrong?"

"My pouch is broken."

"You should stop twisting it around like that, this is the second pouch you've broken. Come here, it doesn't look too bad, I'll fix it," DFB gestured, and I skipped toward him as he got on one knee with a needle and thick thread.

"Thanks. Can we get cake afterward?"

"If you can manage to sit still for long enough to get through my explanation of visualisation."

"Okay! You know I'm glad enough time has passed that we can joke about that first year," I smiled, pleased.

"Hmm," he absently confirmed, not removing his eyes from his task.

"And maybe," I blithely continued, "soon we'll be able to laugh about the fact that I tried to k-"

Without looking up, DFB's hand covered my masked mouth, "shh, I'm concentrating." When I attempted to muffle the sentence against his palm, I found my nose pinched shut as well.

"I think you were onto something with counting my blessings and you being quiet."

After that I was too busy -trying to bite his palm through the cloth and slap his arm away so I could breathe -to talk. Asshole.

* * *

 _I'm aware Kakashi is probably way too knowledgeable on the emotions and psychology of the clans when he's supposed to be a bit shit at it, but 1, I got carried away on that bit of the chapter when it wasn't really supposed to be in there at all. 2, he's the most likely candidate to tell Sonaru that stuff in the first place 3, let's pretend his explanation suffices, and also that intellectual knowledge of the labels the clans have attached to them as mental problems does not equal understanding._

 _Also that teasing each other at the end wasn't supposed to be in there either but when have any of my chapters actually gone to plan._

 _Sorry if Kakashi and Sonaru's character voices ended up sort of blurring together and sounding the same during bits, I wrote this in three chunks and had difficulty attaching them together in terms of their conversation flow._

 _Was this a boring set up? Would you prefer Sonaru summarising what Kakashi teaches her instead of an up front example? Or more of this style in the future when she's introduced to something new? Did the content of the lesson make sense to you or were you lost?_


	35. Chapter 35

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot OCs

Slightly different layout this time, as is obvious from the first paragraph. Hope you enjoy it. Personally I can't decide whether I love or hate this chapter. Probably because I thought quite carefully over some bits and completely rushed over others.

I've noticed Gai hasn't really been included much for a while so I tried to rectify that just a touch. It's kinda difficult for me to write him during really serious bits tho because Gai just makes everything better. And during light hearted bits a lot of time I try to include Kakashi more, otherwise that boi just wants to quietly angst or ruminate over potential problems. Why so serious inside, Kakashi?

As always English spoken is underlined and also as always I've not edited this so sorry for mistakes.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 35 - Standardisation Of The Masses**

 **Academy Shinobi Visualisation**

Recommended total lesson time: 20-40 hours

Comprised of-

Maximum 15 hours year 3 (suggested 8 hours practical and 3 hours testing)

Maximum 25 hours year 4 (suggested 12 hours practical and 3 hours testing)

Teacher suggestion ~ While at least 3 hours total in year 3, and 7 hours in year 4 should be dedicated primarily- perhaps even solely -to shinobi visualisation, the remaining 10-30 hours can be combined with other related lessons to make up the time recommended.

-Visualisation should be a concept all academy students are capable of understanding on a theoretical basis, and practicing proficiently at the most basic level before their graduating exams. A student's understanding should be displayed by achieving 50% or higher during their written exam in the section named 'Tactical and Strategic Planning and Execution'. -

 _(In the event that a student with particular promise under a related theoretical or practical_ _ **shinobi**_ _art achieves less than 50% in the exam section 'Tactical and Strategic Planning and Execution' any non-familial Chūnin qualified to teach Academy level students, or any non-familial Jōnin may recommend special considerations to the Hokage, who will assess the student's ability to pass on other merits. The student may be required to submit to an additional exam proctored by a shinobi specialising in the same shinobi art.)_

Practiced visualisation provides a shinobi with conditioning of the mind in advance of emergencies, thus producing psychological strength in times of crisis. If the brain imagines something in deep and vivid detail, it will become part of a person's 'experience files'. This visualisation exercise will convince the brain into believing that a shinobi has already experienced this event. A shinobi can tap into these 'experience files' at will by playing a 'movie' of what they have already visualised and planned. Thus when shinobi are confronted with similar real life experiences, these experiences will seem more familiar than without the previous visualisation. This internal combat-proofing gives shinobi an incredible advantage.

One of the most important things every shinobi needs to do as part of creating mental preparedness is develop what Shinobi of Hi no Kuni call 'Ignition'. In order to develop 'Ignition', each shinobi must dig deep and identify the single most important thing in the Elemental Nations to them and make a 'mental portrait' of this image. This is what a shinobi will use to 'Ignite' many of the essential qualities needed to survive. This 'Ignition' is the thing that makes a shinobi motivated to live, no matter what comes their way.

This image or visualised goal is now the shinobi's 'Ignition'. They can use this most important memory file as the ultimate motivation to get themselves through any struggles their career brings. But to maintain the effectiveness of their 'Ignition', a shinobi should save it for only the direst situations; only in life or death should they 'Ignite' what most deeply motivates their personal Will of Fire.

Teacher suggestion ~ providing personal or other real life examples of visualisation (success and failures) during unclassified missions may help students to grasp the material with greater depth...

* * *

"What's this for?" I asked with furrowed brows, having read through the first page of a small sheaf that had been handed to me by DFB.

"What does it look like?"

"Lesson plans for the academy, obviously. But why are you giving this to me?"

"I told you that every shinobi is expected to be able to do basic visualisation. This is all that's directly taught to the vast majority of our shinobi forces."

Looking back at DFB's expectant gaze, I turned my attention back to the notes and read through them again from beginning to end. Most of it was just a guide to assessing when students had understood the material, suggestions for practical exercises, which lessons to integrate visualisation into and how, which language to use initially to promote understanding in children who'd never heard of the concept before and then how to develop that further.

Honestly the most comprehensive information was all on the first page.

"This is it?" I asked dubiously.

"Yup."

"No... expanding on this later on? No testing Jōnin or training Anbu to develop this skill?"

"It's a skill that's expected in Chūnin to an extent, but nothing that's explicitly stated. It's one of the more subtle things they look for during the Chūnin exams. By the time someone's a Jōnin, they'll have certainly picked up visualisation as a must have skill. But again, nothing that's explicitly stated. The signs are all in their approach to leadership and teamwork if they've managed to evolve their ability enough."

"Right. Considering it's a cornerstone technique for our clan and the Nara clan you'd have thought..." I trailed off.

"It's not thought to be as important as teaching young brats not to stab themselves with the pointy end of a kunai, or get their teammates immediately killed by not understanding mission protocol."

"Or flower arranging," I snarked, DFB's face remained impassive but he inclined his head in agreement.

"Yes. Well, I have some issues with the Academy system, but seeing as I was only a part of it for a short time and haven't had a prolonged interaction with anyone fresh from the academy in a many years, I'm not considered a source of authority on the subject."

Flipping the pages back and forth, I asked him baffled, "where did you get this anyway?"

There was a conspicuous pause, and I looked up at the suddenly innocently eye smiling DFB, "did you break into the academy to steal this?"

"No."

After a beat I narrowed my eyes, "did you steal this from an academy teacher?"

"...maa Su-chan, but steal is such a harsh term. I don't know if I would put it like that."

I didn't know what made me ask the next question, considering there were many Chūnin teachers DFB probably wouldn't give a thought to stealing from, "was it Umino Iruka?"

Anyone else would have missed it, but I knew DFB well enough to spot the slightest tensing of his torso and tilt of his chin in surprise at my guess. He knew instantly that I'd caught his involuntary reaction.

"Maybe," he allowed.

I gave an amused snort, "I hope he had more than one copy."

There was a pointed silence afterward, and I couldn't help my laughter that DFB had probably heavily flustered the poor Chūnin once he got to class and realised his notes were missing.

"Poor bastard."

DFB merely shrugged casually, and then handed me a scroll with a three by three black outlined grid on either end, which I knew to be the symbol of the Hatake Clan.

Raising an eyebrow at him, I carefully took the scroll and slowly opened it up.

"A scroll on visualisation techniques? What was the point of showing me the academy notes then?"

"For comparison. I wanted you to understand the difference between the way most other shinobi are being taught strategy and tactics compared to the way you're learning it. How much more useful it is than what's usually taught."

* * *

 **Combat Visualisation**

Continuous honing and perfecting of a Shinobi's ability to visualise the future field of combat is imperative from as early as possible. Hatake should begin this practice before entering the academy to work on an individual basis, before evolving the technique during and after academy years in order to account for and incorporate multiple comrades. In order to ensure a team that works with maximum efficiency, before a single mission is taken hours should be spent visualising how they will execute in harmony, integrated by a shared vision of the combat space.

The concept places special emphasis on the role of the squad leader or lone missions, while integrating multiple sourced information to provide squad leaders or lone shinobi with a comprehensive view of the field(s) of combat -a view which reduces uncertainty, minimises risk, promotes clear and rapid transmission of intent and orders, and facilitates the decisive employment of combat power.

 **Explanation of term**

Combat visualisation:

The process whereby the Hatake Clan member develops a clear understanding of the current state with relation to the enemy and environment, envisions a desired end state which represents mission accomplishment, and then subsequently visualises the sequence of activity that moves the shinobi and/or their squad from its current state to the end state.

To make effective decisions, shinobi must formulate and articulate a vision of themselves/their team conducting an operation against an opposing force over time. This vision begins with the current situation on the field of combat/mission status and goes through the desired conclusion to the operation.

Formulation of vision by the shinobi is a difficult and complex task; Information obtained by human and technological means is preferably analysed and processed by qualified and trusted sources to provide the shinobi only that information needed to make decisions. This information is then blended with the shinobi's knowledge, experience, and intuitive feel.

Knowing if, when, and what to decide is a sophisticated art. Decision brings with it the cost of committing resources. foreclosing options, incurring risks, and revealing intentions to the enemy. Uncertainty and chance will continue to be a risk in any situation. Successful Hatake shinobi must possess an intuitive feel for combat developed through repetitive training, experience, and exposure to experienced mentoring and leadership.

This intuition is based on a timely and accurate view of the mission status and field of combat - which includes deciding how to get from one mission/combat field to the other at least cost to the shinobi or squad. This process has both an art and a science component which are integrated by the shinobi.

It is a continuous process which commences prior to the mission and continues through achievement of the desired conclusion to the mission.

 **The art of combat visualisation**

Combat visualisation is an essential leadership attribute of the shinobi and is critical to accomplishing missions. It is learned and attained through training, practice, experience, wisdom, and available shinobi intelligence technologies. Other resources, both human and technological, only serve to assist the shinobi in determining critical information. To do so requires focus on three aspects.

1) The first is understanding the current state of non hostile and hostile forces. This knowledge extends beyond the physical location of forces, environmental factors, and combat readiness (equipment and supplies). It also includes human factors such as fatigue, chakra levels, morale, and the decision-making processes and information requirements of both forces.

(2) The second aspect of the shinobi's vision is the ability to clearly discern a desired end state. Initially, this involves foreseeing a feasible outcome to the mission which results in mission success and leaves the individual or squad postured for the next mission.

(3) The third aspect of visualisation is the ability to see and understand the dynamic relationship between the opposing forces as the shinobi leads themselves/their forces through the sequence of activity from current situation to final end state. This includes envisioning possible enemy moves and counters to those moves to defeat or destroy the enemy force. The shinobi decides when to shift the main effort, when to change priorities, when to reinforce, when to request additional forces, or when to disengage. During the execution of the mission, the shinobi continually assesses the envisioned end state to ensure that it is still desired and achievable.

b. Connectivity must exist between current operations and the future plan. While a portion of this future state may be dictated by a superior's intent, the shinobi must personally envision the operation from start to finish.

c. The shinobi articulates a combat vision through an intent statement which guides the development of a conceptual mission and then subsequent execution of the mission when working with teammates or leading a squad...

* * *

"That's... markedly different. There's a completely different presumed intelligence level of the student than the teaching notes," I commented. It made sense though, the training tools for my clan assumed their children were highly intelligent, and any member that struggled initially probably pushed themselves to meet that assumed intelligence. Dumbed down lessons led to dumbed down students in this case.

No wonder DFB had been so distant and arrogant toward his peers when they'd had such different standards of education, before the school of life allowed some of them to catch up. For a young kid, being that far ahead of your age group was a difficult thing not to be alienated by.

There was more to the scroll. A fair bit more actually, and I lost myself for a few minutes skim reading the information just to have it memorised, before I could go back and consider it more carefully.

"That's not the first scroll that mentions visualisation. The first one goes into detail about the connection between the ability to learn the technique in the future and setting up an appropriate exercise regime at the start, including breathing and meditation. I've already taught you everything on it, and so I moved onto something more in depth and advanced."

We had already established with a bit of talking that I had been practicing the bare basics of visualisation that was taught at the academy for years. It was a method I learned as a young child to avoid walking away from arguments with my sister Rue - who until the very end had been notorious for her incredibly sharp tongue, her dogmatic opinions and her sly tactics - feeling as though either she had taken something from me and I had lost, or that I had barely won but in the process I had sacrificed some part of who I wanted to be as a person, and therefore lost either way.

It had been a profound feeling I'd not been able to verbalise at that age, and so when pretend arguing with my sister in my head, and really just sniping at the air in the inarticulate frustration I usually carried with me as a six year old, I'd accidentally stumbled onto visualisation. I suddenly realised that if I pretend argued in my head, and started to pretend lose, I could vividly recall the emotions that the real situation created for me, and from there practice a solution that landed on a result I desired with careful planning. It took quite some tries to succeed in transforming concept into reality, but when I did I knew it was a technique that could work for me in so many other situations.

I practiced that form of visualisation almost all the time when I was alone. Now DFB was going to teach me how to do it so much better, and in high intensity situations.

Learning the technique was going to be helped by the fact that my memory was getting better. I had had near perfect recall when I concentrated, but now I had near perfect recall when I wasn't concentrating too. It was weird, and although there was a stark difference between being able to remember something and being able to understand it properly when it came to my shinobi lessons, it boggled my mind time and time again when evidence of my improving memory slapped me in the face.

It was something that seemed like it should feel unnatural, or at least I should have been able to tell that my own mind worked differently now, and yet I still felt like me, and thought like me. Even my memory capabilities didn't feel odd, and so when I accidentally recited verbatim various sections of Icha Icha and stating which pages the quotes were on, as I teased DFB about his poor taste in reading material, I found myself pausing in shock afterward that I had just done something I had never been capable of before, and done it so unthinkingly.

DFB said nothing of my clearly improving memory, but I knew he had probably noticed it before I did. My altered brain was a constant source of cautious concern for him, and although nothing suspicious came up in the brain scans I had on a semi regular basis, he still worried. There was nothing either of us could do about it, though. I knew that, and he knew that. If something did eventually go wrong with my brain, since I was an unprecedented case, chances were there was nothing anyone would be able to do to fix me.

Since he couldn't protect me from my own brain, DFB instead threw himself all the more (somehow) into helping me learn to protect myself physically, as well as finalising the seal. He was taking longer with the seal than he really needed to, triple checking every single component in order to ensure all of the previously harmful parts were stripped while still allowing it to so its job. Nobody commented, but we all knew he was being so careful because I would be wearing the seal too.

* * *

I was constantly getting better at traps, and having blasted my way through a lot of the theory Genma had supplied me with about poisons, I was finally getting to experiment with and combine the two on a practical level.

And then DFB found out, and started putting visualisation into field practice. I was given anywhere between thirty minutes and four hours, depending on how difficult he intended to make it, or whether Gai, Genma or Tenzō were available to help him (or me in some practices). I had that time to scout the terrain, make a plan, prepare, share the plan depending on if I was going solo or not, and then start. Sometimes I was given an objective to complete, and sometimes that objective was just to keep fighting for as long as possible.

Then the bastard - or bastards - attacked. It was slaughter at first. None of my plans lasted more than a second, they were too predictable, or they had huge holes in them, or DFB and his allies were too _unpredictable_ , or I just hadn't assessed the entire situation correctly, and sometimes it was that I didn't bloody communicate properly with whoever I was sometimes given as a team member.

Every single time I failed, each asshole had a long list of criticisms for me- although to be fair Gai, Genma and DFB (in that order) always had praise for me too -which I had to make a note of, and then later DFB would sit me down, and guide me through visualising the entire failed exercise in a hundred and one different ways that it could have gone, some ending in failure and others in successes.

Each practice meant that in the next exercise I had the last failure to draw from experience, and then a hundred other potential paths - with a hundred different variation of tactics -that DFB had helped my brain supply me with. It was frustrating as fuck. And once the exercises started lasting for more than three minutes, it was also incredibly fun.

Apparently the others considered it a fun game to play (well, Tenzō didn't admit it out loud, but I could see the glimmer in his eye). The assholes called it 'Playing Ninja' Hatake style.

I still had my separate time exploring poisons and traps, and I still had my killer daily exercise regime with Gai, but everything else I had learned was explored through 'Playing Ninja', which gradually got more and more complex as different theoretical scenarios were created.

Sometimes I was given misinformation about how long I would have to prepare. Sometimes the opposing team brought completely different skills or techniques than what I had been told they would use. Sometimes the objective changed part way through, or my team mate (purposely the assholes) failed their part completely and were out far too soon.

Whoever was on my team never played to their actual level, and nor did any of my opponents. The most effort any of them gave it was a Chūnin level of skill, but that didn't stop me from getting trounced time and time again.

I sometimes found it annoying that I was working my butt off, while everyone else was just having a bit of 'light fun', but mostly it felt like a far more work intensive and deadly version of being allowed to play with my older siblings as a child. I knew the 'game' was catered for my abilities, and I knew they were humouring me to an extent, but they were also having fun, and so was I. DFB was spending time with his friends, and I was spending time with them too. They were teaching me and playing with me, and knowing that this was all something that wouldn't be happening if I didn't exist made me feel like I was contributing to their health and happiness just by being alive and myself.

I could see the bonds between them (us) being slowly forged stronger and tighter. Some were closer than others, and it wasn't like any of them only had each other - they all had friends and close relationships outside of the small group I was included in on, but it was something I watched with a quiet pleased possessiveness.

By this point Genma was aware that the circumstances of my birth had resulted in a completely different rate of mental development than was even vaguely normal. Both he and Tenzō had also caught onto the fact that there was far more to it than that - especially with the seal in production that although Genma wouldn't have been able to make heads or tails of if he had spent hours studying it, had picked up through some of Tenzō and DFB's muttered conversations what the purpose of it was- and it wasn't something anyone felt the need to talk about or say out loud.

The only thing neither of them had been even vaguely made aware of was that I had a Kekkei Genkai (did white chakra count? We weren't sure if I had white chakra yet). That was until through an almost comedy of errors, I discovered two new things that my apparent genetic affinity with blood gave me, in full view of four panicking Jōnin.

* * *

It started with an exploding tag that had been left in the training field from whoever had been previously using it. For the first time in a few weeks, everyone was available and up for at least a few hours of Playing Ninja, which went more or less how it was expected to go. I was thrashed, my team lost, I still had fun and lasted a bit longer than usual. It was as everyone was causally making their way around the training field to pick up the debris of weaponry, wires and exploding tags that I disturbed the tag which had been hidden under some fallen leaves and left forgotten.

The moment I spotted the tag, it took me half a second to recognise the standard pattern that indicated an explosion based upon chakra proximity once activated, I completed a kawarimi at the fastest speed I had ever succeeded with the nearest object infused with my chakra. Less than half a second later the tag exploded. My body moved before I had time to understand what was going on, twisting to the side and flipping backward almost simultaneously as something in my periphery moved at deadly rates into the space that I had just been standing.

I landed the flip wrong, stumbled straight into a tree, which unfortunately did not give way to my nose. Before I had time to register anything further ( _something is different inside_ ), a strong hand was wrapping itself around the front of my torso and pulling me back.

"Beautiful Blossom? Are you injured?" Came Gai's concerned voice, as I took a few seconds to reorient myself. There was a niggling in my brain, but before I could address it ( _something is happening inside me_ ) I was turned around to face him.

I could feel the warm rush of blood gushing down the back of my throat and grimaced in anticipation of the horrid taste. It would inevitably take a few swallows before the coppery fluid met my taste buds but for all that I loved its colour and consistency, I did not relish either its taste or smell at all.

I immediately tilted my head forward, and felt the drips slide down through my nose instead, but I knew the damage was done with what had already traveled close to my tongue ( _something is happening in my veins_ ).

"I'm okay Gai, don't worry. I just hit my nose," I answered with a voice thickened by the fact that I was breathing through my mouth.

Before I had had time to take another breath the others had arrived, lead by DFB who was doing a terrible impression of unbothered. He squatted beside Gai as they both peered worriedly at my face, and immediately I could feel the blood that was dripping out of my nose soak into the fabric of my mask.

"Su-hime, perhaps you should remove your mask and allow us to assess the damage."

I nodded, and carefully tugged the face mask down, noting with vague amusement as DFB seemingly accidentally shifted to block Genma and Tenzō's view of my face, as he peered closer to inspect my nose. Gentle fingers prodded the side of my nose, and I winced slightly, but it wasn't too bad ( _something is happening in my arteries_ ).

"It's not broken. You're nose will probably be bruised for a week or so, but nothing that needs the hospital," DFB calmly concluded, but I saw the slight slump of relief in his posture.

I nodded, only half paying attention, more focussed on the taste that had crept onto the back of my tongue as he was talking. I scraped my tongue against the roof of my mouth, in case I was imagining things ( _something is happening in my capillaries_ ), then swished the flavour around to bring to the front, before smacking my lips together thoughtfully.

"Huh."

"What's 'huh'," DFB asked suspiciously, as he produced a cloth and placed it under my nose, before pulling my mask back up to keep it there.

"It tastes good," I garbled between our fingers, while he took my hand and authoritatively manoeuvred my fingers so that I was pinching the bridge of my nose.

"What does Su-hime?"

"Blood."

There was a pause, as what I said registered.

"Wait, what?! Did you just say _blood_ tastes good?" Genma incredulously raised his brow at me as he spoke.

I smacked my lips together a few more times, and tried to decipher what exactly I was tasting. It was warm, and a little sweet, and there was an edge of salty copper which when I had tasted it before had been revolting but now was just like a positive side note to the flavour, and nicely balanced with the sweetness.

"Yeah, it tastes surprisingly good." At Tenzō's and Genma's subtle and not so subtle slightly disturbed looks at me, I scowled defensively, "what? It's not like I can control what my taste buds enjoy."

DFB and Gai, on the other hand, seemed more speculative at what I had claimed, and I realised then that they both thought it might have had something to do with my Chinoike heritage.

Before anyone could say anything about it though, Tenzō's strained voice froze us all, "Subaru, you have a senbon sticking out of you."

I had poisoned all of the senbon for this exercise. It was a poison that entered the blood stream and attacked the red blood cells, preventing them from releasing oxygen into the rest of the body and essentially causing the person to suffocate within ten minutes.

It was plenty of time if any of us got hit to use the antidote I'd had in my bag, but by the three minute mark the person who'd been poisoned would be too dizzy to fight effectively. The dosages were also catered for fully grown men.

Genma and DFB understood before anyone else.

"Do whatever it takes to keep her breathing. I'll get the bag," he commanded Genma, panic barely contained in his voice.

He was gone in a split second, as Genma rushed forward to check my vital signs and Gai pulled the senbon out.

"It'll be okay Beautiful Blossom," he soothed, his smile unable to conceal his concern.

"Let me know the moment you feel the slightest bit different," Genma demanded.

"Um... I-"

"It's gone. It was caught in the explosion," DFB returned suddenly, holding a scrap of fabric that had been my bag.

"Uh- tou-san I-"

"I'll go to my apartment, there should be another antidote there." "I know a med nin who lives close by, I can lead you there. The hospital's too far." Genma and Tenzō spoke over the top of each other in a rush.

"Hey!" I shouted over everyone's panic, pausing them in their tracks, "I'm fine. Look."

The moment Gai had removed the senbon, I noticed the weird feeling inside me that had been happening all along. It was like my blood had been and still was moving in abnormal ways without my say so.

Once the senbon was removed, the moment I had capillaries exposed to the air, I felt my blood rush in the areas of my body closest to where the poison had entered, remain incredibly still in some areas, and continue on as normal in other areas all together.

Within seconds, I felt something trickling down the inside of my arm where I had been pierced, and realised that although there was some blood mixed in, the colour was too abnormal. It was over in a few seconds, and then my blood began to move inside me as usual, like nothing had happened.

Both Gai and DFB guessed immediately that a facet my Kekkei Genkai was at work, and took me to the one medic they trusted with the potential of that information being guessed from what had happened.

I was in and out of the hospital within eight minutes. Dr. Mukai had easily confirmed that I had no traces of poison in my blood. Just an incredibly high iron content like always, and a very high white blood cell count like always. She agreed to keep any comments that could give away the nature of the incident from my medical records to minimise documents hinting toward any possible heritage other than Hatake.

Before long, we all found ourselves back at home as Genma and Tenzō visibly struggled to withhold their questions.

"How did this all even happen?" Genma cracked first.

As the only person who had been there from the start, I sheepishly cleared my throat in the face of four Jōnin curious and concerned by varying degrees.

"Someone left a proximity exploding tag in the training ground, and I disturbed it as I was cleaning up the area. As soon as saw it I performed a kawarimi with the closest object I could. Unfortunately I think that might have been my bag. I'm not sure what happened next but something came flying toward me and I moved out the way... into a tree. At some point a senbon got stuck in me."

"From what I could gather of the mess, the debris of the explosion set off the trap you were there to dismantle. You're lucky you moved out of the way. If that spiked whip had hit you at that speed, you'd be dead," DFB commented. His voice was back to its lazy drone, but was easily given away by the fact that he hadn't let go of me since before the hospital, and I could clearly feel his hold tighten as he spoke.

"Oh. That trap," Tenzō suddenly sat up even straighter. I realised at the same time as him how I'd gotten stuck with senbon.

"You moved away from the whip and into the path of the senbon. Rookie mistake, Subaru," his tone was faintly disapproving- he knew I knew better than that, and I groaned in the embarrassment of getting caught in my own trap.

"And Mini Bastard isn't dead because..." Genma unsubtly hinted, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. His entire posture was relaxed and unbothered, but I could tell that he wasn't going to be content with a brush off answer with this.

"I have a blood based Kekkei Genkai that no one knows shit about. Including me," I dryly answered him.

"But apparently poison immunity is one of them," DFB added.

"With Hard Work it will become a most powerful advantage!" Gai enthusiastically finished, and also hinted as to why we had kept it quiet.

Genma's eyebrows shot up, and Tenzō's eyes widened slightly.

"How far does that poison immunity go?" Genma asked us, and I shrugged in response.

"We'll have to test that then. Wouldn't want to rely on it too much if there's a limit," he suggested, an excited look on the edges of his expression.

"No," DFB narrowed his eyes.

"Kakashi-senpai, it makes sense to test the extent of what little you've already discovered, if nobody knows anything about it," Tenzō interjected, probably saving Genma from DFB's imminent murder attempt, "with Subaru's permission."

"I'm up for it."

"Su-chan, no!" DFB argued, his head whipping round to stare at me.

"Well we have a poison expert right here who we already trust. It's pretty convenient to test this without worrying about someone turning me into a lab rat," I rebutted, gesturing toward Genma.

"You just want an excuse to spend more time with him," he accused, sounding almost betrayed.

I pouted, but didn't deny, "I also have a fair point."

"I believe the Beautiful Blossom should seize the opportunity to discover more about this strength."

The moment Gai added his support, I could feel DFB deflate in defeat, "fine. But I want to be there for every new poison tested directly on Su-chan to make sure it's done safely."

I grinned in agreement, and squeezed DFB to convey my gratitude for his support, as well as subtly remind him not to murder Genma who couldn't quite hide his smug expression at getting one over on DFB.

"Fine by me," Genma added with his usual charming smile- that always looked more like a smirk thanks to the senbon between his teeth- his cheeks stretched just that bit further when he looked at me, "looking forward to it, Mini Bastard."

Dammit, I couldn't stop the small blush from appearing on my cheeks, and I knew DFB could see it. Before he could do something to make Genma's life hellish, thankfully Tenzō cut in to state his intentions to leave and say goodbye.

Gai and Genma took that as their cue to go as well, and Gai moved to follow Tenzō out of the balcony doors. Genma on the other hand, made his way to the front door.

"Goodnight my Beautiful Blossom!" Gai beamed, before triple back flipping away as I waved.

I turned in time to smile and wave at Genma, who was stood in the hall just outside the front door looking at me with initial confusion, "Hold on, I thought Gai calls you Su-chan, like Kakashi," then incomprehension, "Beautiful Blossom...hime?" then realisation, "wait, Kakashi called you 'her' earlier," and finally shock.

"You're a _girl!?_ Kakashi, you have a-"

DFB slammed the door in his face with poorly disguised glee, as he blandly replied, "goodnight, Genma."

* * *

 _I never intended Genmas and Kakashi's relationship to be like a broship in which they enjoy pretending to almost dislike each other. But it turned out that way. Srsly if I tilt my head and squint it sorta looks a bit like UST. Not what I meant to accomplish at all._

 _Did you all vaguely understand the educational bits? Might take a bit of a more careful read than the usual stuff the fully get for some readers due to the phrasing used._

 _I mentioned Iruka here, and although there's a chance in the future that he may be her teacher, he may not. Regardless, do you want him to be included as more of a character than just an academy teacher? It would likely be through Naruto in the future, or through Kakashi, and I doubt she and him would get close, but do you want him to be more than a sort of distantly existing character? How would you prefer that to happen?_

 _Also talking about UST, I know in canon Kakashi stays single but would you like that to change for this story? Do you want Kakashi at some point to find a relationship? Or just get something casual? Male? Female? Both? Anyone in particular? It'd be a fair bit further down the road, but I can start the initial building blocks toward it now if that's what you want._


	36. Chapter 36

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Second disclaimer: I mention stuff below about Kimono and Japanese clothes and what that means. I know zilch that a brief search on google didn't have to say. Huge apologies for any incorrect depictions. and also cut me some slack cause this aint Japan its Konoha - my Konoha (mawahaha). My rules.

I know a few of you have mentioned some scepticism toward Sonaru walking the streets as Sona (in a non prostituty way), but she is doing that for a reason that will contribute toward the plot... when I finally get around to actually including a plot. What's written below as Sona does have a purpose that will be built on.

Tried to set things up for there to be more Gai present next chapter. Unless it gets away from me (because when does that ever happen?) next chapter, it should be split reasonably evenly between Gai teaching, Kakashi teaching, Tenzō teaching, maybe Genma teaching, and Sona.

Having taken your Kakashi relationship concerns into account, I'll let you know now that there will be no Kakashi in a permanent relationship in the works. If things look like he and someone else are going that way, it's a temporary thing that won't last long. If he finds someone to screw, they either won't feature pretty much at all as a character or it will be a super casual thing. Anything will likely happen (if it happens) from someone other than Kakashi's perspective to keep the info limited.

No editing sorry for mistakes. Also English spoken is underlined as always

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 36 - She's A Lady**

... **The science of combat visualisation**

Visualisation of the battlefield requires the use of operational tools which are derived from science, chakra and technology. However, chakra and technology alone cannot provide the commander with a full visualisation of the battlefield. Technology and chakra must be used together with the shinobi/squad leader's judgment, wisdom, experience, and intuitive sense to enhance the visualisation of the battlefield. Technology and chakra enhanced support should be focused in three areas: **total mission awareness** , **mission planning** , and **execution**.

 **Total mission awareness**

Situational awareness provides squad leaders/shinobi with near real-time information on the current situation. Previous to mission deployment human and non human data bases must be exchanged, accessed, and shared among all appropriate agencies involved in the operation.

(1) Friendly forces.

b. The friendly situation is not limited to data elements in the reports. Technology or chakra supported methods, adjusted and tempered by the squad leader's/shinobi's judgment, helps maintain awareness of subordinate/friendly units' state of readiness, to include the state of training, maintenance, and logistical status.

(2) Enemy forces.

b. Technology or chakra supported methods must allow the commander to visualise the disposition of enemy forces. Enemy situational awareness comes from many sources including: aerial platforms, fuuinjutsu and other sensors, reports from units, other human intelligence, and information derived from technology-assisted intelligence analysis. Visualisation of the enemy force must include an awareness of the enemy's speed of advance, tempo of operations, and known vulnerabilities.

(3) Noncombatants.

b. Noncombatants are those individuals in the tactical area of interest who are not engaged in active hostilities. These individuals may include resident civilians, refugees, evacuees, prisoners of war, or members of nonmilitary organisations. Their presence, attitudes, physical activities, and requirements can have a significant effect on the outcome of the mission. Sustaining total mission awareness requires that noncombatants be considered in the squad leader's/shinobi's vision of the battlefield.

(4) Environment.

b. Environmental conditions have a profound effect on shinobi operations. Technologies must provide the squad leader/shinobi information about the environment including geography, hydrology, weather, seasonal conditions, vegetation, illumination data, and particularly terrain. The squad leader/shinobi must rapidly assess the immediate and lingering effects of environmental conditions. Environmental effects must be represented within the data and common relevant visualised picture to ensure squad leader/shinobi consider their potentially dramatic effects during planning, rehearsal. and execution of operations.

(5) Terrain visualisation.

b. The squad leader/shinobi requires the ability to see the field of combat on which their subordinate/friendly units and the enemy will deploy, manoeuvre, and fight. The detail required may include the terrain slope and elevation, human and animal traffic, vegetation, and other natural and man-made features. Technology and chakra supported methods provide the squad leader/shinobi the ability to see a portion of the earth's surface. While this vision may be seen from directly above, it may also be viewed from the oblique. Terrain visualisation includes both natural and man-made features to include impacts of terrain on vehicle, shinobi and summons speed, maintenance, river-crossing operations, cross-country trafficability, and manoeuvrability. Terrain visualisation allows interactive planning and mission rehearsal. Terrain visualisation through whichever means used must reflect real-time updates as features change due to the effects of combat and nature.

The same information gathering and data update systems must be used in training and combat. These systems must operate in the live, and constructive simulation environments to approximate real combat. Technologies, chakra and varied training grounds allow shinobi and squad leaders to duplicate the real world in an environment where risk is minimal.

Shinobi/squad leaders must, however, use these tools judiciously, applying common sense and experience rather than accepting the solution apparent from the data as the best solution.

 **Mission planning**

b. Technology and chakra supported methods to collect and provide data is required to support mission planning. To effectively plan operations, the commander must understand the current state, the intent of senior commanders, and visualise the desired future state of the battlefield. To do this, the squad leader/shinobi requires tools which facilitate that visualisation and enables the squad leader/shinobi to visualise the battlefield, refine their commander's intent, develop realistic simulated combat training, and analyse the potential courses of action.

 **Execution**

b. Technologies and chakra supported methods are needed to keep the squad leader/shinobi informed as the mission unfolds. Once the mission has commenced, the squad leader/shinobi receives prompt updates from subordinate/friendly units, guidance from the superiors, and information on enemy action. This presents the squad leader/shinobi and subordinates/comrades with alternatives for immediate consideration, further enabling the cognitive process of combat visualisation to evolve. The net effect is that the squad leader/shinobi may rapidly and effectively alter the initial plan to adapt to changing situations precipitated by unexpected enemy action or changes in the status of the friendly forces...

* * *

With a lot my time freed up, having integrated most of the previously separated training sessions into one Playing Ninja exercise, I found myself wandering the streets more often as Sona. I had familiarised myself with some of the more well used streets and public areas, but I was by no means an expert on Konoha geography.

I always carried a book of some sort on me, and only half intentionally became remembered as the sweet, quiet little girl who always had her head in a book but was polite and well spoken when approached. I had never been a keen socialiser around people I wasn't intimately familiar with, and my default expression when I was uncomfortable was unfortunately a kind and welcoming smile. It had been the case in my last body, and when I walked around without the safety of my mask in the streets, it became the case in this body too.

This generally gave the impression that I was far more friendly than I actually was. If any discerning person paid some serious attention to the conversations I was occasionally a part of in the street, they'd notice I only ever replied to personal questions with enough to not seem brusque in my replies, but not enough to encourage the idea of potential emotional intimacy, they'd notice that I very rarely asked personal questions in response either.

If someone had asked me, they might have been given a hint that I really didn't find most people interesting enough to remember. I didn't want to give people enough of me that I was expected to recall things that they'd told me as one generally begins to do to build closeness. Now that I had far better recall this wasn't so much of an excuse I could give, but it also didn't mean I was any more interested.

Truthfully, some days I found myself tentatively grateful that I had been reborn into a world filled with dysfunctional killers, who had seen so much death and suffering that half of the known social protocols were pointedly ignored by them altogether. For all that they were far better at deceit and lying than almost any civilian, they still somehow managed to be more... _themselves_ , more honest and straightforward in who they were. They were all so much more engaging and fascinating as human beings. They were a large group of completely fucked up human beings that I was glad to be initiated into.

Yes, sometimes buying sweet treats from the market and politely listening to the gentleman who sold wooden toys chat at me about his three daughters was a welcome reprieve from all of the back breaking work I committed myself to otherwise, but it also served to constantly remind me why hurtling toward the uncertain future and path filled with pain and death that I was on was _better_. Better than what they were doing. Better for me at least.

In my last life I had never been content as a normal civilian, always flirting the edge of danger and moral bankruptcy but never quite willing to commit to it due to my own ethical reservations. I had had no cause, a fractured brotherhood to belong to, nothing I could authentically fight and die for. And deep down that had been what I had really wanted.

Everything had always seemed too petty, too insignificant to satisfy me for long. I didn't think these people were in any way less for being able to find meaning and perhaps even happiness in their civilian lives, but every time I stepped out onto the street as Sona and got a glimpse into what they had built for themselves I was so fucking glad I wasn't one of them.

That wasn't to say I didn't enjoy my time among the crowd of strangers, because I did. There was a sense of comfort I found in being a largely anonymous face but still part of the unstructured comradeship that was 'us' or 'Konoha'. I liked being able to read, while receiving weekly updates about the woman in the corner shop that sold tea and how she was getting along in training her puppy, or the young couple who frequently went for walks in the park and their quiet but determined attempts to forge their arranged marriage into something approaching love, or the progression of grief the entire family who owned the bakery was going through at the death of their matriarch.

I found joy in the continuous invitations I received from boys and girls alike near my own physical age to play ninja, even if I always declined gracefully. I was on passingly familiar terms with the two seven year old boys-Seiichi and Kenji-who were sons of a merchant, their willingness to talk to me chalked up to the deaths of their little sister and mother the year before at the end of a bandit's blade.

I still declined any of their invitations to play, but they had more adventurous lives than most of the other children, and the uncensored mouths that often came with childhood, so I would spend more time with them than usual and listen as they engaged me with boastful and exaggerated tales of their travels with indulgent amusement.

Still, the only being whose approach I welcomed consistently was Tora, who had no trouble discerning my identity and would eagerly twine around my ankles while begging for the ear skritches I was more than willing to provide. Tora's unabashed enthusiasm toward my presence brought some attention to me in public, but it wasn't anything I was averse to - beyond a way with cats there was really nothing that could be read into about me, and it wasn't like Tora was going to go blabbing about me to curious ears.

I took to carrying her favourite treats in my pocket to give to her when she found me. Apparently Tora had a discerning palate when it came to cat treats, because before long other stray cats were meandering by me in the hope of a nibble. Within the space of a few weeks I was in the habit of passing certain spots which I knew the stray cats were waiting for me for skritches and food. Some of the more reserved adults grumbled quietly about me exacerbating a pest problem, but with a judicious application of wide eyes and a shy upturn of my lips at them they largely subsided. Most looked on at my actions with quiet coos and smiles.

I knew exactly what preliminary reputation I was building for myself, but kindness to animals and young children came far easier to me than kindness to the rest of humanity, and so it was no difficulty to keep displaying small gestures that implied a gentle and benevolent image of my inner nature.

Nevertheless, I didn't expect any particular special attention from anybody, and I almost entirely succeeded. I was, as far as I was aware, someone that was mostly forgotten when I wasn't around in public, which was certainly helped by appearing to be a mentally mature toddler who wasn't getting up to anything especially interesting. This was something I was keen to maintain, and so as I made my way home after dropping off the last of my 'baby' books to the orphanage I most definitely noticed that was being carefully scrutinised.

Without letting on that I was aware of the focus directed at me, and keeping the contented expression from wavering at all, I cautiously assessed the person who seemed to find me so interesting. I realised almost immediately that I recognised her. I saw her reasonably regularly when I was near the tea shop, and although I didn't know her name or pretty much anything about her, I did know that she was quite wealthy- or at least she dressed in expensive clothes- and that the young woman who worked behind the counter at the shop was intimidated by her.

From what I had been able to tell thus far, she had a naturally cool and severe cast to her features, for all that they were elegant and refined. Her temperament seemed to match her general expressions, or perhaps its was her temperament that gave her that look, I didn't know. But beyond the most basic politeness required from me two times I'd spoken to her for less than three seconds, I had never been given a reason to interact with her. I knew she'd noticed me enough to give me assessing side glances when I'd been in her vicinity for a little while now, but then again enough people did that thanks to my generally altruistic attitude that I'd barely given it a thought.

She surveyed me blatantly from a distance as I walked, and I found myself quickly irritated by her unabashed impassive staring. It occurred to me then, that she was probably being so obvious because she thought I was a child, and so she didn't need to worry about me confronting her, or perhaps even knowing that she was being unusually conspicuous in her staring.

Fuck it, if she could get away with it, then so could I. After all children always stared when the didn't know they shouldn't. Acting as though I'd just noticed she was looking, I caught her eyes and slowed down but even then she didn't relent. In fact she showed no sign that she even cared I spotted her. I tilted my head curiously, and she finally broke eye contact briefly to coolly scan me from top to toe. Maybe it was in the tilt of her eyebrow or the way she held her cheeks but despite her stern expression and shark like eyes I got the impression something similar to approval.

Taking the opportunity to do some surveying myself, I took in the silk pastel kimono and obi, with the clean white Tabi and her Zori. I knew that there was so much more to know about the subtle things someone's Kimono could tell about their status and wealth than what I had picked up, but I knew enough to realise some things about this woman. Unless it was for special occasions, wearing a Kimono wasn't particular popular in Konoha, with the exception of the more wealthy upper class - particularly the females.

I had previously guessed from the general length of her sleeves, the height of the patterns on her Kimono and the colouring she favoured that she was married, but I'd never looked more carefully than that. Now though, I saw the new silk, the subtle brocade pattern hand stitched onto her Kimono which was only visible where it caught the light, the way the Kimono was made so that the pattern wasn't broken up by the seams. I saw the practiced and neat knot of her pale Obi- the simple looking one without bows- decorated with silk silver thread.

It was all simple, understated, elegant. Before I had lived in Konoha and spent much of my recovery being toted around by a disguised DFB, I'd not have thought much of the relatively plain Kimono, when I was used to pictures of them with bright colours and rich patterns in the Western world. But I knew enough now to see that it was fucking expensive. Then I took in the lack of jewellery, makeup or adornments in her tied hair, and it clicked that she probably worked as part of the tea shop. Maybe even the boss. I took a guess that she'd either just been to a tea ceremony, or was on her way to one. Maybe she was hosting it.

Without giving an indication of what she'd been looking at me for in her body language or expression, she turned and walked away, giving me a view of a small clan symbol on the back of her Kimono, which I realised was identical to the two small symbols on the chest on either side of her Kimono. Well shit, I'd underestimated her wealth.

After a moment of looking at her back in bafflement I continued home, "what was that all about," I muttered myself.

* * *

I'd been spending more time out in public since we started Playing Ninja to integrate everything instead of individual lessons. I found it relatively calming to walk, wander, observe, read and listen. I was really fine with spending more of my time just learning the streets and the hidden village that I planned to eventually fight and bleed for. It was peaceful compared to what I had previously been up to. There was no physical struggle, no mental strain.

"Su-chan why are trying to bludgeon your head against the table?" DFB lightly asked, knocking a pillow under my head with his foot a moment before my forehead met the hard surface again. The bastard didn't even make the effort to look up from his book.

"Am boooored," I wailed.

"Is that so."

"Yes! If I have to walk around Konoha with nothing else to do one more time I'm going to murder that old man who hangs around the Hokage building," I hissed.

"You mean the Sandaime."

"Exactly."

"I suppose I should tell you that Tenzō was slightly injured on his last mission."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine, it's nothing too bad, but he's got a few weeks off light exercise only."

"Soo...?"

"He's free to start teaching you about wielding something a bit bigger than a kunai."

My head shot off of the cushion it was smooshed against, "finally!"

"Maa but that doesn't really solve your boredom problem does it?"

"It doesn't?"

"You're bored because you have nothing to do when no one is available."

"I don't like watching television and reading history books gets dull when that's all I have," I grumbled defensively.

"Aa. During the poison incident, you reacted in time to escape the explosive tag," DFB suddenly said, seemingly apropos of nothing.

"Funnily enough, I remember because I was there, and it didn't happen all that long ago," I smirked cheekily, to DFB's lack of amusement if the droop of his eyelid was anything to go by.

"You knew it was about to go off though," he pointedly reminded me.

"The build up to your point is unnecessary, DFB. Innuendo not intended," we simultaneity rolled our eyes (or eye as the case may be) in exasperation at each other.

"My point is; how did you know it was a proximity tag?"

"They have a slightly different design than other explosive tags."

"And who taught you that?" I was pretty sure I could hear an implication that I was being slow in DFB's voice, which had me scowling at him.

"No one. I just picked up on it over time."

DFB sighed, "Subaru, most people with no previous tutelage don't pick up on that. You did it by yourself. I know you've been interested in the past in fuuinjutsu, and I thought you might want to start lessons in it now that we have the time. Considering it's something that you're capable of picking at and experimenting with- under some very specific and unbreakable conditions - on your own-"

He stopped talking when I launched myself at him and caught me against his chest without even a grunt of exertion.

"Yesyesyesyesyesyes," I chanted with a grin as I futilely tried to shake his shoulders back and forth and just ended up yanking his jacket a little bit.

"Come on, then. Get out of your onesie and grab a kunai," DFB eye smiled as he turned toward the bedroom.

"Wait, are we starting now?"

"Nope. Now I think your chakra levels and control have reached high enough that you can learn tree walking," he cheerfully replied, dumping me on the bed, "get changed."

Sitting up in overwhelmed excitement with a gasp, I turned to DFB and was met with a face full of clothes.

I pulled them off my head, calling after his retreating form, "you're a fuckhead."

"Maa, Su-chan you say such kind things to me."

* * *

The thing was, so far nothing I'd been taught was anything that I had a comparison for in the anime. They were all things that were learned either before the anime began, or along the way as implied or off screen lessons. Tree walking, however, I definitely had a reference of time for.

While I knew on one level that I couldn't exactly take it as gospel, there was another part of me that was apprehensive about how long it would take me to learn tree walking in comparison to the three characters I knew had taken no time at all.

Especially when I still struggled to make my chakra do what I wanted it to, and especially because I had had far less time to get used to moving my chakra about than the main three of Naruto. I didn't have a full day and night to keep going and going and going until I got it down pat - not in time and not in chakra. My chakra levels weren't very high for a shinobi in training and my control was only average when I did get something right.

Basically, I kind of sucked at it.

"Su-chan get up," DFB's shadow covered the sunlight as I lay on the ground, breathless and bruised from landing on my ass so many times. That wasn't what had me covering my eyes with clenched fists in despondent frustration though. It was that I had been at for four hours, and I was still only a meter up the fucking tree. I couldn't even get above DFB's head. Pretty much every centimetre from the ground up to 100cm was scored with a kunai slash where I had painstakingly climbed the thing.

"No," I miserably replied.

"Are you giving up?" He goaded, which always worked when I wanted to do just that.

"Yes."

There was a surprised pause, before a whiff of something familiar and delicious had my eyes snapping open.

"For every metre you reach, you get a piece of chocolate," he waved the half unwrapped bar at me.

I forced myself to my feet, glaring at him that he knew I was so weak to the temptation of chocolate and used it against me, "fine. Where's the tallest fucking tree in this damn place."

He eye smiled, "that's the spirit."

By the end of the day, I earned one piece. Including the metre I'd already passed.

I was dirty and bruised, and sweaty and there was this deep ache inside me that I'd never experienced before. Somewhere that wasn't quite in my veins, and wasn't quite in my stomach or gut, or abdominal muscles. DFB eyed the one metre sixty five worth of kunai marks with a thoughtful moue somehow expressed through his mask.

"Maybe you need to work on more of a variety of techniques involving chakra," he finally commented.

"No... shit," I panted, my face half squished against the dust where I'd collapsed.

"I have an idea! Gai can help you," he claimed positively, and turned to walk in the direction I assumed Gai was in. Panting for a few more seconds, I allowed myself an unintelligible grumble into the dirt, before pushing myself up on shaky arms. I got unsteadily onto my feet, took one shuffling step forward, and face planted the dirt again.

"Ow," I muffled into the ground.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw DFB's shinobi sandals stop by my head, "on second thought, you look like you could use a break. And a bath."

I felt his hand grasp my sleeveless jacket in the middle of my back, before I was hefted easily into the air parallel to the ground. My limbs and head sagged with a tired groan, as I was carried home by his side.

* * *

 _Tabi definition: dem white socks with the single split_ _between_ _the_ _toes_ _to_ _be_ _worn_ _with_ _Sandal_ _style_ _shoes_.

 _Zori: Sandal style shoes, without the wooden platforms because those are something slightly different._

 _If you had to guess what would you say the woman wants with Sonaru?_

 _In the long run, what sort of things do you want to see from Sonaru in terms of fuuinjutsu?_

 _Also for those of you asking for some Subaru Lee wonder duo interaction. Don't you worry ;) itsa coming at some point._


	37. Chapter 37

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Second disclaimer: I know even less about blades and sword fighting than I do about normal martial arts. Sorry about bullshit information that is bound to be written about it.

Also I find the details of Japanese etiquette confusing, so I'm playing with it loosely under the idea that Konoha is not exactly the same in how/when it applies

No editing, English as always is underlined.

I took heavy inspiration from some of Gai's speeches toward Lee for some of this.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 37 - With A Little Help From My Friends**

Fuuinjutsu could be summarised in two words; fucking amazing. It was like an amalgamation of something similar to coding, something similar to runes, something similar to maths, something like art, something like story telling. It was not quite any of those things. Not quite like writing a formulaic essay, or systematically designing the experiment to test a hypothesis, it wasn't like planning a layout to support a stance in a debate. It was all of those things but not any of them.

It was beautiful. And bloody difficult for anyone who hadn't spent years studying and training their mind to think in such conceptual and intellectual terms. With the exception of perhaps idiot savants. It was a perfect blend of science and art, calculation and creativity. On one hand I completely understood why it was such an esoteric shinobi art these days, and yet I also really didn't, because I understood that with time and dedication and understanding, mastery of fuuinjutsu could accomplish almost anything.

It was a motherfucking super power that anyone with enough training could use. It was more than just that.

"What the fucking hell is wrong with you people?!" I burst finally, having made my way through the first two introductory books of fuuinjutsu.

"Hm? Many things, I'm sure, but what specifically this time?" DFB calmly replied, only taking the time to glance briefly at me before turning back to his book.

"This! Fuuinjutsu! Why is this such a little known art? And I'm not just talking about how fuuinjutsu could revolutionise combat. Outside of defence and very occasionally healing from what I can tell, there is no application of fuuinjutsu that doesn't involve shinobi matters... don't people understand what they've got at their fingertips?"

"Not really. The only hidden village that ever mastered fuuinjutsu no longer exists."

"This could speed up the evolution of technology and productivity in all areas. Agriculture, crime prevention, communications, medical facilities, education, infrastructure, travel, music and media... so many things! The list goes on. It's not only universally applicable, it's also a sustainable, ethical, economically viable way of sourcing and using the energy that is abundant in this world. You have green energy in the form of natural chakra at your fingertips and none of you are making use of this at all! Liquid, organic, hazardous and solid waste management, sewage systems, water pollution, air pollution could be turned into something eco friendly using fuuinjutsu. I just... FUCK, I CAN'T STAND STUPIDITY!"

Heaving a deep, albeit frustrated, breath to calm down the blood that was rushing to my face, I turned back to DFB. He had finally lowered his book, and was staring at me with genuine surprise on his face.

"You're actually angry about this. I don't think I've ever seen you truly angry," he commented, sounding fascinated.

"I've been angry before," I snapped.

"No you've been annoyed. I've never seen this before. Why does this upset you so much?" His laser focus probably would have disturbed someone else, but it brought me a small measure of comfort that he was listening to me instead of making light of my reaction.

Breathing out, I scrubbed my hand harshly through my hair and looked away, "my old world was just as segmented as this one and the people weren't... harmonious in any sense of the word. But now that I'm here in this life I can't help but think of them as my people. I think of that entire planet as where I come from, not just the Island I lived on or the countries my family lived in.

"I think of the millions of people dying of sickness from polluted water, and the animals dying from the impact our waste and energy use had on the whole planet. I think of the ice melting, and the acid rain, and the particulates in the air and the landfill sites. All those concrete jungles. All those fumes being pumped into the atmosphere. We used coal, and then oil, and nuclear power and... none of those were sustainable and renewable. They all did so much damage in their own ways.

"This world...they have the answer to every single one of those problems while my home world is probably slowly being destroyed... and these people are using it to kill one another."

There was a long pause as DFB just looked at me thoughtfully. Just as I was starting to feel stupid for my outburst I felt his hand wrap around my ribs and drag me into his side, fingers skritching my scalp comfortingly.

"The Elemental Nations has a fraction of the people your last world did, Su-chan. Most of the Elemental Nations aren't populated at all, and well over half of the current population live in areas that have no regular shinobi force. Of the shinobi force we do have, less than a fifth have any knowledge of fuuinjutsu outside of its name, and of those who are aware of it, an even smaller portion has any training in it beyond the ability to make their own explosive tags.

"Whatever impact we're having on this planet so far hasn't been noticed or recorded. We can't produce and implement a solution to a problem we don't know exists. You are quite possibly the only person in existence in this world who has a proper understanding of these global issues and how to prevent them before they start having strong effects on living beings."

I felt cold inside at the responsibility that put on my shoulders, 'but- I - I'm not a scientist. Or a mathematician... or... or a conservationist or anything remotely along those lines. I wouldn't know where to start even if I..."

"I'm not saying it's your job to save the world Su-chan. Just point enough people in the right direction. We have scientists and mathematicians. Start small. Learn fuuinjutsu first."

"Learn fuuinjutsu. Small," I snorted wryly.

He replied by chucking a small fuuinjutsu beginners guide book in my lap. Smart arse.

I gave it some real thought though. I hadn't had any specific plan going into fuuinjutsu beyond learning it because it seemed like something that would be consistently mentally stimulating, varied and practical. I thought I'd enjoy it. But even though I'd not pondered for any length of time on what exactly I would use it for on a practical level, I had subconsciously just assumed it'd be for shinobi matters.

Now that I paused to consider it though, I didn't really want to. I wasn't just going to ignore the advantages fuuinjutsu could give me in in combat, that would be a waste, but... I realised there were so many other things I was curious about using it for.

Fuuinjutsu had so far been used primarily for attacks and defence. That was a small slice of the pie of its potential. I had an entire world's worth of inspiration to draw from, and an almost entirely unexplored art form as my canvas. I was quickly warming up to the idea.

* * *

"I hear you've been having trouble learning techniques with chakra usage, Beautiful Blossom!" Gai beamed supportively at me. A small curdle of shame that I was having to work so hard at what seemed to come naturally to so many others ate at me, but it was irrational so pushed it away. I was doing the best I knew how, and I'd promised myself years ago that I wouldn't beat myself up for any of the results that my best resulted in.

I nodded once, "DFB said you could help me?"

It was early morning, and I was still shivering slightly as the residual warmth and relaxation from bed left me thanks to the cool dawn air. I ran hotter than I had in my last body, probably thanks to the amount of exercise I did contributing toward my excellent blood flow, but I was still small and lost heat quicker than Gai.

"That's right! With Hard Work, we will ignite the Flames of your Youth once more!" He exclaimed.

"They're not dimmed," I pouted at him. Gai smiled a fond but mildly chiding thing that immediately let me know that he was about to impart Wisdom.

I'd never known anyone to match up to Gai and his ability to be so... Gai and yet say a simple sentence or two that hit straight to the heart of things.

"Tell me of your tree walking progress."

I sighed grumpily at my continued failure in that area. It had been a couple days since I'd started and I was still only two and bit metres up the tree. It was completely disheartening to be so shit at it, especially since this was a beginner technique.

"I just can't seem to grasp my chakra properly. I can do it if I've got a lot of time to prepare and go slow, but tree walking is a continuous and much more taxing application of chakra than anything else so far. I get a few slow steps up and just lose my grip on it."

"Good. Now show me," Gai's face was as implacable as it ever got, and I tentatively approached the nearest tree. With resignation, I tried to wrestle my chakra toward the bottom of my feet and hold it there in preparation for my first step onto the trunk. Achingly slowly, I inched my way up the tree, every minute shift in my body as I took steps requiring me to alter the grip my chakra had on the tree to compensate.

I didn't even get two metres up before I fell, and sat for a second looking down at the ground and shoving back the helpless embarrassment I felt at having failed again, that quickly turned into anger. Taking a breath to release it all, I relaxed my tense body and flicked a glance up at a shrewdly watching Gai, with a self demeaning half smile.

"So as you can see I'm not very good at it," I wryly commented.

"You're right. You're not very good at it." -What. Ouch. -"Because you expect failure."

My brows furrowed, "Huh?"

"You see no progress and your efforts are left pointless in this task, because before you take a single step onto the tree you have already convinced yourself that you are no good and that you will fail." And there was Wisdom.

"But that wasn't the case the first hundred times I tried! I still failed," I protested, still slightly confused. Sure that comment applied to how I felt _now_. But not at first. At first I had given it my all.

"Almost every shinobi fails the first hundred times they try tree walking, unless they have prodigal control, Su-chan. Perhaps you are right, and you have no talent for chakra wielding techniques that require more than the smallest amount. Perhaps you will always struggle immensely with them to only see the smallest of successes after hundreds of hours of Work. But if you don't believe that you are capable of huge success from the start, and endeavour to see that result, you will never be everything that you can be."

There was a pause as I digested his words, and I desperately wanted to accept them wholeheartedly, but there was something holding me back. Because sure they were inspirational and made sense; I had mentally given up too soon, and I was doubting myself which was causing me to fail. But a part of me wouldn't let go of the idea that I was simply bad at tree walking.

Gai, as perceptive as ever, noticed this. "I understand that you have trouble accepting this, but you truly are a prodigy, Su-chan. The improvements you have shown in the past year in all areas prove this to me. Whatever obstacles you might have faced have been overcome by Hard Work and you have forged ahead. Even in techniques you've found difficult, you have shown prodigal skill and speed in learning.

"But this is something you're finding, for the first time, you are not a genius at. That doesn't mean you are bad at it, or have failed. You should set yourself high goals, yes, but if you fall short that does not mean you should give up, Su-hime. You must persevere! Only when you persevere in the face of impossible odds will you achieve impossible goals."

I sat there silently, allowing Gai's words to chip away bit by bit at my self doubts and insecurity.

"And Su-hime," he prompted gently but seriously, causing me to lift my head and look him in the eyes, "you must stop comparing yourself to people who have not yet achieved what you are attempting in real life, and finding yourself wanting next to an image of people who don't exist."

With that the last of my self doubts washed away, as I realised that had been exactly what I was doing. Somehow Gai had picked up on the fact that as soon as I didn't learn fast enough compared to the anime depiction of Team seven, I had deemed myself as 'not good' at it, and that thought had seeped into my entire approach to learning tree walking.

"Now, stand up and start stretching. From now we're going to be doing your daily light exercise slightly differently. I'm going to teach you how to use your chakra internally to help you move faster, jump higher, hit harder, block better, and keep going for longer. This will get you more familiar with moving your chakra around inside you. We will train you until your Youth explodes!"

Oh... lovely. I was going to be low on chakra for quite some time with this added in everyday. Nevertheless, I was excited about learning how to boost my skills from really bloody amazing to obviously superhuman compared to what was possible in my last world.

"Hey, Gai?" I called softly, as I stood up.

"Yes my Beautiful Blossom?" He grinned.

"Thank you... for, you know, the pep talk. You always seem to know what to say or do to make things better," I smiled gratefully at him.

Gai was one of the few people who I could be a complete fucking sap around and not feel awkward at all about it.

"Su-hime," He sniffled tearing up, before crying out in a tearfully manly bellow as he somehow managed to reach three times the distance his arms should have been capable of to squish me to his chest, "MY GODDAUGHTER IS SO YOUTHFUL!"

Because frankly he was so much worse than I ever was.

"Volume control please, Gai," I muffled from the depths of his crushing embrace.

* * *

Tenzō stared from where he knelt a small distance in front of me. Just like he had been doing for the past awkward twelve seconds. Awkward for me at least - socially oblivious moron probably wasn't aware that he was being awkward. I was tempted to flick a small clod of dirt on his face just to make him change his expression.

Finally he designed to say something, "I've been 'asked' to teach you kenjutsu, since I have practice in a style that is more suited to your stature." How did he manage to make it perfectly clear that by 'asked' he meant 'ruthlessly manipulated' when he couldn't even hold a normal human interaction most of the time?

"However, when I considered how I should teach you, I knew I had to take into consideration your current fighting style. From what I understand, due to your clan's way you're unlikely to ever dedicate yourself to mastering any sword fighting style. That requires hours of practice every day, whereas your shinobi fighting style requires high levels of skill in a large range of techniques.

"Thus I must cater teaching you to fit in with your current fighting style so that you can incorporate it, rather than switch. Tell me what your strengths and weaknesses are in hand to hand."

"Erm, my reach is very limited due to my size, and so is my strength. I'm very flexible, and I have quick reflexes, also I have very good accuracy."

"Yes. Your fighting style is reliant on out-strategising your opponent using deception, alongside superior speed, reflexes and agility. You can take fewer hard hits than the average shinobi, and you must maintain control over the distance you have to your opponent and the space you use to fight throughout the entire time due to your short reach and slight stature. You must redirect the force of blows rather than block most of them, you must flow around and dodge attacks in order to get in close and apply your own. When you attack, it must be precise, decisive and crippling.

"A blade that lengthens your reach can only be a good thing, but anything that weighs you down and slows your speed is a detriment to you. In sword fighting, strength is incredibly important to achieving speed. At the end of the day, any sword fighter you come across with skill and experience who knows your sword fighting style is likely to beat you if they're stronger.

"The way to win is to utilise your blade as an extension of your already existing fighting style. The weight of your sword is very important and I believe you should learn eventually to wield with something shorter than you probably initially envisioned, taking into account your current size, and your predicted rate of growth. I can teach you how to fight with both hands on the blade, which will add strength and control, but eventually I believe you should learn how to wield two shorter blades simultaneously.

"Duel wielding is much more difficult to learn, but the choice of two tantos when you are slightly taller would suit the unpredictability of your fighting style. However, duel wielding is not a skill I can teach you. Additionally, while I can teach you proficiency in the style of sword that would suit you most, Kakashi-senpai would be the best person to help you integrate that fully into your combat. Unfortunately he will not be able to teach you duel wielding either. My advice is to take instruction from me until I have deemed you ready to use your sword in combat, and then take further instruction from Kakashi-senpai. After that, if you wish to continue learning with two blades, you would need to find a different master."

He finished his not at all heartening monologue, and then paused for me to ask any questions.

"Erm, which blade will I be using first then?"

"You won't. You're not ready for a blade yet. How much do you know about sword fighting, or even swords?"

"Fuck all," I blandly replied with a lazy scratch at my arm. I could see a minute twitch in his eyelid.

Ha. Subaru; 304. Tenzō; 21.

"I see. Well that will be something you also need to learn on a more theoretical level. You need to understand the blade itself. I... seriously though Subaru, nothing? You live in a shinobi village interacting entirely with shinobi, in a shinobi clan, and you've been training to be exactly that for almost a year now. You haven't learnt a single thing in all that time about sword fighting?"

I shrugged, "stick them with the pointy end?"

Tenzō gave a deep world weary sigh, and closed his eyes in momentary pain, "very well. You will be using a wooden training sword until I believe you are ready to move onto blunted metal."

He gestured to the sheathed sword he'd laid in front of him, and then picked it up and ensheathed it partially to show me the bokken.

"I made this because otherwise I would have had to specially order something for you."

"How come? Can't you just buy bokken already made?"

"Yes, but not one designed for someone so small."

He eyed me for a moment, searching my face for aggravation, but I met it with a challenging smile. Couldn't get me that easily. Tenzō may have undoubtedly been the superior shinobi, but I had survived years of being the youngest and most sensitive sibling on the receiving end of my well loved but bastard sisters.

"Thank you for your efforts then, Tenzō-oji. Where do we start?"

* * *

I wasn't even going to pretend to myself that I wasn't excited. It was a hot day, and I had finally learnt tree walking to a degree that allowed me to move onto water walking. DFB was in some sort of meeting or debriefing with the Hokage, and so Genma had offered to step up to the plate.

For all that Genma mostly treated me like an adult, and beyond a day or two of intense staring and stumbling over the word bastard around me he hadn't changed his attitude at the revelation of my gender, that didn't mean he wasn't aware of my physical age when it came to teaching me.

For this reason despite the fact that I could swim, if not that strongly in this body, he had elected to teach me water walking while standing next to me, rather than from dry land. That, and the fact that it was too hot not to take advantage of the cool water.

All this meant that Genma was going to be in swimwear.

"All right, Mini bastard, lets start with a still body of water before we move on to running water," he cheerfully stated from behind me. I spun around to see him walking toward me wearing shorts and a t shirt. With his charming grin in place, and somehow managing not to jostle his senbon, Genma dumped the towels he was carrying on the floor and removed his t shirt. Dear god, kami and the shinigami itself, that man was hot.

Purposely keeping my face blank so as not to give myself away, I stared at the shifting muscles on his back while he placed his t shirt on top of the folded towels, the definition in his arms, the trim waste, the strong forearms and as he turned around the incredibly tight abs.

Mustn't grin like an idiot. Mustn't grin like an idiot. Mustn't grin like an idiot. Oh hot damn now he was within arms reach. Mustn't touch like a creeper. No, control that hand.

"Usually I'd start you off close to land so you don't get completely submerged when you fall in, but I thought since I'll be right there with you we could go further out into the lake and I'll just pull you back on your feet when you're in the water. It will help keep us both cool," he smiled, and then knelt with his back to me, "hop on, I'll give you a lift out to the middle to save time."

I was in my dark t shirt with attached mask and a pair shorts myself, both of which still gave the impression of me being a boy to anyone who had seen me and didn't already know. But my arms and legs were exposed, and I was missing the bulk of the other layers I usually wore on my top half. Simply put, there was going to be skin contact and I was definitely going to get to feel the shifting of his back muscles as he stood up and walked.

Still unable to remove my eyes from him, and barely resisting rubbing my hands together gleefully, I took the two steps toward Genma and reached out wrap my arms around his neck.

Suddenly I was five metres away from him and something was wrapped around my waist.

"Absolutely not," came the murderous tone above me. Oh, that was DFB. Genma straightened and turned around, his eyebrow raised in wariness and confusion.

"Ah... Kakashi?" He asked.

"Put your top on and walk away, Genma," I couldn't see him but somehow I knew DFB was eye smiling in that way he did that let people know he was going to murder them viciously any second.

"You're ruining my fun, you utter asshole," I hissed, wriggling ineffectually, "if I want to stare at and get up close to some sexy piece of-" I found my mouth muffled by his hand.

"I thought you were with the Hokage..."

"You can teach Su-chan to fight while tree walking later. I'll teach her water walking," DFB ignored the implied question entirely and grunted when I elbowed him in the ribs, "which means you can leave now."

Still confused, but not willing to stake his life on getting answers, Genma just rolled his eyes and fetched his t shirt and towels.

"Leave the towels."

"They're mine."

"I said leave the towels."

"You're a bastard and I hate you," Genma turned to me, his lips tilting upward, "come find me when your Bastard father has finished with water walking for the day."

I watched him leave mournfully, and it was only when he was gone that DFB removed his hand to let me speak and put me down. I turned to him, with his stupid innocent expression and glowered.

"You ruin everything sexy."

"Thank you."

"I'll get you back tenfold. And you better pray you never find someone you like, because I will eviscerate them just to spite you." I was being dramatic and he knew it, but I was disappointed that I didn't get that piggy back ride at least.

"Also, I took pictures anyway. A sight like that should be captured on camera," I folded my arms stubbornly.

DFB's face contorted a little, but settled quickly into something more lazy as he shrugged, "maa pictures are fine I guess. Just no touching."

I snorted and turned away, "whatever. Let's just get on with this, I'm starting to sweat."

And if later on in the day I did my best to 'accidentally' rip Genma's t shirt until he removed it, well what of it?

That evening as I left the training ground where I had been learning to fight while tree walking, I slipped behind a tree and was met with the small shape I knew I would find there.

"Did you get them?" I asked.

"I managed to take five before the boss arrived," Pakkun grunted, gesturing to the camera at his feet. I didn't understand how he was able to work the camera but he had promised me he could and so I hadn't asked questions.

DFB was under the impression that I didn't know he always had at least one of the pack watching me when I was with Genma to make sure nothing 'unsuitable' happened. Idiot. While they wouldn't disobey him, they were more than willing to bend the rules for me.

"Thanks, Pakkun," I smiled, and began scratching behind his ears - that was the reason why they were inclined to do me favours, because I payed them in my super power; ear skritches.

Pakkun didn't reply, too busy drooling on the floor with satisfied sighs.

* * *

I saw the woman from before only a week after I'd noticed her staring at me. She was wearing something almost as expensive as the last time, but far more casual, and this time she had some light adornments.

She was staring at me again as I made my way from the alleys the stray cats spent their time. I stopped like before, and stared back, expecting the same reaction as last time. She stared back at me like before, doing a top to tail sweep with her impassive gaze.

I jolted internally when she began to approach me and forced myself not to take a wary step back.

Bowing wasn't unusual in Konoha but it wasn't really expected most of the time outside of formal situations and around the upper class. Even then there was a good chance I wouldn't be expected to bow due to my assumed age. So I was surprised when she did so in greeting, or at least she inclined her head.

I could get away without giving the proper response, but I chose to go along. Giving a slightly deeper bow in deference to the fact that everything so far everything indicated she belonged to an upper class wealthy clan. However it all remained informal, and I was as equally curious and cautious.

"Good morning, my name is Fukuda Norita," her voice was as cool as her expression and I had to admit that it would probably intimidate most people if the words coming out of her mouth were as cool as her tone.

"It's nice to meet you Fukuda-san, I'm Igarashi Sona. Is there something I can help you with?"

"You're very polite, I'm impressed. I've noticed you donating things to orphanage and helping animals on occasion. It's not often that I see such a gentle spirit in one so young."

Despite her complementary words, she honestly sounded like she was ticking of a checklist of things she approved of in a person.

Regardless, I allowed a blush to brighten my cheeks and demurely lowered my eyes, "a-ah, Thank you for your kind words, Fukuda-san."

Her lip briefly twitched in what might have been a smile and she nodded once, "I'm aware you're young, but I can already tell from your advanced manner of speaking and the books you read that you're smart. I run the Fukuda Tea shops, hosting tea ceremonies among other duties. I'm looking for a young apprentice, and I've notice you possess many of qualities I've been hoping for."

I was a touch overwhelmed by her speech, what with it being completely unexpected. I didn't immediately dismiss the idea though. For one being Fukuda's apprentice could teach me some of the more civilian based knowledge I would need if I was sent undercover in the future. However, it depended on what exactly she intended to teach me.

"I'm flattered Fukuda-san, and I'm honoured by the opportunity. I... I'm not sure what sort of skills I'd be learning as your apprentice if I accepted."

Another twitch of her lips, and I was almost certain that was supposed to be a smile. Regardless, her eyes remained a shark like black. Maybe she had a recent Uchiha ancestor that gave her her unnerving gaze and her inability to emote properly with her expressions.

"May I call you Igarashi-chan?"

"Of course, Fukuda-san," I gave a smile and a positive noise.

"If you're willing to come with me, I'm on my way to the nearest tea shop. I can show you around, introduce you to some of the people there, and tell you about what you could learn."

I knew which tea shops she was referring to and I was pretty sure there were other places with the name Fukuda either connected to them or owning them outright. But still, I was hesitant to go with her, being a stranger. However, we were in public and there were enough people around that if I was gone for too long, DFB shouldn't have much trouble finding me. After a moment of uncertainty, I gave a tentative nod.

Another twitch her lips, "very well. Follow me."

If she turned out to be some sort of child trafficker I was cutting those lips right off her goddamn face.

* * *

 _I did not expect Sonaru to suddenly become all worried about the environment but hey if that's where it wants to go sure._

 _Using fuuinjutsu in the future what sort of things would you like to see Sona invent/cause to be invented?_

 _Also I've been thinking of Sonaru training her own pack (with a twist) as an inheritance further in the future. Yes or no?_


	38. Chapter 38

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Second disclaimer: Probably incorrect science in this chapter, but that's what you get from me trying my best to remember biology lessons when I was 13 years old, that were pretty much never revisited properly.

To the reviewer who asked if Kakashi knew that Sonaru had been stared at by a women who she then showed a willingness to wander off with; no, no he did not. Arguably she should have said something to him before being willing to follow Fukuda, due to the risks. From her perspective she considered her civilian life relatively private unless it would have an impact in some way on her outside of being Sona.

Also her knowing self defence and knowing Fukuda was a civilian from her build added a level of confidence that being child sized would usually reduce. Because Sonaru never considered herself a child in any way neither would she consider checking in with or asking permission from Kakashi, even during some circumstances in which that might be the safest option. I'm also explaining this because in the future Sonaru may make some decisions that if she were actually anywhere near being a child, she should check with an authority figure first.

The next two chapters after this are probably going to be a fair bit longer than average, considering my habit of wandering off tangent mid chapter.

No editing as always and English underlined as always.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 38 - My Mind Is As Free As I Want It**

Following the stern faced Fukuda to her tea shop I didn't expect anything too out of the ordinary to take place, but nevertheless I remained on my guard.

I allowed myself to relax a touch more when I saw Fukuda approach the Fukuda tea shop that I recognised. The place was clearly high end just from the design and architecture. I did enjoy the Fukuda tea rooms which had vibe that was more akin to a cafe in it and had visited there a few times just to read and appreciate the stunning garden that the tea room had a wide and open view into.

The tea shop and tea room surrounded the garden to close it off to the street and maintain a private and tranquil atmosphere, however the tea shop didn't have any windows facing the garden and could only be accessed from the street front.

The inside of the tea shop reminded me of some of the more expensive tea shops I'd been to from England, except with an Asian design. The smells were slightly different but no less familiar to me as the cumulative fragrance of various tea leaves. There was a light scent of incense hanging in air and mixing in beautifully with the tea leaves, and knowing how important scent was when selling something I could tell that business was booming. Especially with the product being a high quality.

As soon as I entered behind Fukuda I saw the woman behind the counter stiffen in recognition and then smile politely after she bowed much lower than I had done.

"Fukuda-sama, I did not expect you to visit the shop today, is there something I can lend my assistance with?"

Fukuda barely inclined her head in reply to the bow, and authoritatively told the the women, "my husband requires the next shipment to be sent two days earlier than expected. Package them and have them ready before you leave, Rini-san. If I find you've forgotten again and rush to do it tomorrow morning causing a delay, I will be very unhappy with you."

Rini almost trembled as she inclined her head, "Yes Fukuda-sama. I- I promise I'll do it before I leave."

Fukuda's mouth tightened slightly for all that the rest of her expression didn't change, but relaxed almost immediately afterward, "good. Where are the others. You know there should be two people in the shop, Rini-san. If I'm not mistaken, three of you are working today."

"Ah- um, Chikako fell ill this morning, so she went home. Yori is taking his break out the back at the moment."

"Get him in. Regardless of unexpected circumstances, there should be two people at all times. You know who to contact if that becomes a problem, don't you? Considering you haven't done so, I see no reason why there aren't two employees in front of me right now.

"Now, I'm aware you've met briefly a few times before, but allow me to introduce you both properly; this is Igarashi Sona, my potential apprentice," then she turned to me, her expression a fraction of a degree warmer, "Meet Tamara Rini, she's worked for me for six years now in this tea shop."

Tamara Rini bowed surprisingly low toward me during the greeting, insisting, "please, call me Rini-chan."

"You'll take most of your instruction from me, but I will also have you spending time in both the tea shop and the tea room in order to acquaint yourself with the particulars of how they are run on the ground level. If you accept an apprenticeship with me, that is. You would be learning many things under me, including the financial running of this business, I would teach you the art of the tea ceremony, the art of calligraphy, the art of flower arranging, the art of incense and the art of poetry. All of these would be necessary to learn, but as my apprentice I would also expect you to understand how to cook and how to present yourself properly and appropriately, alongside the art of conversation under various circumstances.

"I don't ask you to undertake this lightly Igarashi-chan, but if you commit yourself as my apprentice you will learn skills that will see you set for life at a far younger age than most other girls."

Tea ceremonies, calligraphy, poetry, flower arranging and incense weren't exactly considered solely feminine pursuits but they were definitely 'high' forms of art in the Elemental Nations.

Additionally, that sounded to me like a more than solid basis for a shit ton of missions I might be sent on undercover in the future, in any area that had a level of wealth to it. Even a year as Fukuda's apprentice would practically make me an expert for any Konoha based missions I might be asked to undergo pretending to be a civilian.

Also as a self proclaimed hedonist, I definitely enjoyed being able to create beautiful things for my own satisfaction, and my tastes had always ranged more toward East Asian styles than anything else- for all that I had no education or even much exposure to it in my last life. Pursuing all of these arts wouldn't kill me from boredom. My main concern was the time requirement and also Fukuda herself.

At the most basic level... I just didn't _like_ Fukuda. I barely even knew her and as such I tried not to judge her but so far she seemed to embody a lot of what I respected in civilian women in theory and from afar but had absolutely no interest in getting up close and personal with. She was cold, stern, elegant, she knew what she wanted and she demanded nothing less than that, she was successful, she seemed independent, intelligent, organised. But she was not charismatic. She was not warm in any sense of the word. She didn't seem very kind, to me.

I knew that someone's front which they showed the world could easily hide layers and layers of depth, but I didn't really give a shit about those hidden depths if they didn't reach surface in any way that mattered. What use was hidden kindness if it didn't result in kind actions. What use was a hidden heart of gold if the words that came out someone's mouth only caused others upset.

So no I didn't like her. But I didn't actively dislike her either. I could come to land on either stance quite easily, but I reserved my judgement for the time being. I didn't need to like her, I just wanted what she knew, and if at the end of the day she turned out to be some controlling vengeful petty fuckhead... well it wasn't like Sona couldn't be dismantled just as easily as she was made.

"I'm overwhelmed by the opportunity you've offered me, Fukuda-san, and deeply grateful. Being your apprentice would teach me so many things I would love to know about. I must speak with my parents before I can accept your offer, though; I can't in good faith give an answer until I have their permission. Also, I have a concern as to how much time in a week I can feasibly dedicate myself as your apprentice. There are important family duties that my tutors and my father have begun instruction me on, and these take precedence."

I saw Fukuda's subtly pleased but thoughtful expression, as she easily picked up on the hints I gave her that I belonged to a clan and that I was the heir. I had said nothing unreasonable, and if she had any complaints I would drop the idea of learning from her immediately.

"Very well. Speak with your parents. If they would like to meet with me that is also acceptable. As for the time you can commit yourself to me, don't worry yourself too much about it, Igarashi-chan. You're young still, and if you learn quickly there's a lot that can be taught in a short time. I would expect an increase in time you serve as my apprentice as you get older, but for now I have no issue with a few hours a week. Come back to the shop within three days with a definite answer. Rini-san will send a message along to me if I'm not in the area myself."

My wariness toward her character settled a little at her answer, but there were still too many unanswered questions for me to trust her even a tiny amount. First and foremost - what the hell was she doing approaching a girl she didn't know even the slightest background of and offering the training needed to be her successor in a clan run business.

"Yes, Fukuda-san. I- ah- I have to be home soon, I'm sorry I can't stay longer to meet the other people involved in your business. My mother expects me back in time for lunch."

"Hm, very well. I will be hearing from you soon I expect. After all, if your parents truly want the best for your future they'll know to have you start as soon as possible."

God what a dick. Keep smiling. Don't say anything in reply.

"It was wonderful meeting you Fukuda-san, you too Rini-chan," I gave my goodbye, receiving similar sentiments from Rini and an almost pleasant expression from Fukuda.

I was barely ten steps out the door before a kid was hurtling around the corner. I couldn't dodge him at civilian levels and so allowed myself to be knocked off my feet by him, as he too rebounded and fell onto his butt. A quick sweep showed me he looked to be about six, he had filthy, dusty, torn clothing. Dirt smudges on his cheek, and scrapes on his knees. He was wearing clothes that were surprisingly expensive and completely impractical for childish playing. I saw the usual place that a clan symbol might be put had been heavily - perhaps purposefully- ripped.

Climbing onto my feet and dusting myself down as he did the same with a disgruntled expression, I opened my mouth to apologise.

"Oi! Watch where you're going you little shit! Just because you're some pampered little princess from a stuck up clan doesn't mean I won't thump you one if you knock me down again. Fuck!" He snapped, the last word seemingly added on just because.

If I had actually been a young child no doubt his demeanour and words would have frightened and upset me. As it was, those wobbly chubby cheeks flushed pink and smeared with mud, the slight lisp due to his missing tooth and the fact that judging by his lack of muscles I could lay him out flat in less than a second, had me biting my tongue to hold back my amused laughter and trying to hide the charmed expression that wanted show how not intimidated I was. God this precocious kid was too cute.

"I'm two," I tilted my head and offered a slightly confused smile.

"Yeah? What about it brat!?" He bristled to badly hide his own genuine confusion.

"I'm sorry it's just that I weigh less than the average dog and was walking at the pace of a slow crawl. I'm baffled at how I managed to knock you down in the first place, let alone address your concerns at it happening a second time," I gently replied.

"I- you- wh- you fucking brat!" He steamed, going even more pink.

"Also you have a glittery pink ribbon tied in your hair," I commented.

His face flushed a deep red and his hand snapped up to his hair to find the pink ribbon. It was with only a small sense of confusion that I saw the genuine trepidation flash across his face. I could only guess that he was worried about being made fun of for having something so feminine.

"It looks nice," I assured him. By this point his face was almost purple.

He pointed at me with an ill fitting mask of anger, "y-you won't say anything to anyone or I'll fucking thump you." I sort of wanted to pinch those cheeks. Was that bad? How could they wibble so much when the rest of his body had barely any chub to it?

"Hm? I'm assuming your referring to the ribbon in your hair. I can't imagine why you think I'd care enough to say anything to anyone about you at all," in a flash of mischievous impulsivity I took a step toward the suddenly wary boy, as I unclipped the butterfly that was in my hair and holding it in place, "here, I think this would suit you as well."

Without giving him a chance I took hold of his collar and pulled him down so that I could reach his head, then clipped the ribbon more securely into his hair with the butterfly. I stepped back in satisfaction at both the butterfly clip and his flabbergasted expression.

"It was nice meeting you, stranger-kun," I smiled, before turning around and walking away.

* * *

"There's one area of shinobi arts that we haven't approached yet, which I think you now have the control to get started on. Keep in mind I don't expect you to find this easy based on your work with chakra so far," DFB told me as I watched the unexpected lighting storm lash against the windows that afternoon.

"I don't know DFB, it feels super incesty for you to be teaching me about seduction," I wrinkled my nose. Oh god, instant regret. I hated incest jokes when they were about me. DFB saw the expression of suffering on my face and thankfully refrained from commenting too much.

"Funny," DFB deadpanned sarcastically, "and before you say anything it's not medical techniques either. You've got a long way to go with control before you can try those. You know I'm talking about genjutsu. I want to know how susceptible you are to them with and without the use of the blood red eyes. You're going to learn how to at least dispel D rank genjutsu without having to injure yourself."

Ah that would explain why we were staying in the apartment for this one.

"Normally I'd just throw this genjutsu at you and let you sink or swim, but with your chakra issues, and the fact that you're not a child with naive fears I'm warning you; I'm about to use Demonic Illusion: Hell Viewing Technique. It's designed to be used in tandem with eye contact to make the corruption of the chakra flow in the front part of your brain easier.

"It's a yin technique that starts with spinning leaves disrupting the victim's vision - or another natural material depending on the terrain. Once the leaves dispel the invading chakra heightens fear in the victim to encourage irrational thinking, and has the victim's own mind supply the image of what they're terrified of finding once their vision clears. This genjutsu is D rank because of its lack of subtlety and the ease at which it can be dispelled by a genin level shinobi," here he hesitated, "I'm not sure what effect the fact that you have a different brain will have on the result of genjutsu now or in the future. I also don't know if your eyes will change anything."

"Is the genjutsu limited by size?" I asked warily, "I, uh, I may or may not have thalassophobia, and if that genjutsu puts me in an illusion of being in the water with something predatory I can't... I can't promise I won't freak the fuck out. And then have nightmares. For a really long time."

"No, I doubt it. This particular illusion tends to stay on the smaller side. Its purpose is to throw a shinobi off their game for a few seconds before they recover from their fear and shock at the sight. But... Su-chan if your fear is that debilitating you know we're going to need to work on that through exposure just like your initial discomfort with the pack.

"The last thing you or anyone working with you wants is you freezing up or panicking from irrational fear. Is there anything else that might hinder you in missions?"

"You already know about my coprohobia. I have fairly severe thalassophoba, which specifically shows up in any body of water I can't see the bottom of clearly. Sometimes I can suppress it with concentration, but the moment any sort of adrenaline or uncertainty kicks in I'm terrified. I also have mild arachnophobia and mild nyctophobia," I sheepishly admitted.

"Shit, water, spiders and the dark. You know that makes up a sizeable portion of what exists in the world."

"Don't remind me."

DFB sighed in exasperation at my fears. "Don't shake your head at me like that, asshole! Blame my parents for always watching films rated according to the accumulative sibling ages rather than appropriate material."

"Sure. Let's go." Snake - Rat "Demonic Illusion: Hell Viewing Technique!"

To put it bluntly I spent I good ten minutes throwing up down the toilet.

I had deeply regretted ever watching the human centipede for all that the first time I watched it was entirely accidental due to a missing TV remote control, and now that I had seen myself as the middle person attached to my parents I regretted it even more.

It was... not what I was expecting to be honest. It was also a singularly traumatising sight. One day... one day I was going to learn how to do genjutsu and make DFB see himself in that revolting situation. Bastard.

Thankfully genjutsu disruption was one area that I was good at. It didn't take too long before I noticed that I could identify a small change in the way my pulse felt in my head. When I mentioned this to DFB he denied knowledge of this as the normal way of noticing genjutsu, and with a bit of further testing we discovered that despite the fact I hadn't activated my ketsuryūgan, my blood... _reacted_ to someone else's chakra. The reaction was too minor to show an indication of what exactly it was doing, but with a bit of effort I could perform a sort of mental push to exacerbate the reaction which resulted in the same thing that dispelling an illusion by disrupting internal chakra did.

When I had my ketsuryūgan activated, I noticed the invasion of chakra immediately and before the genjutsu could even form I felt my own chakra disrupt it automatically. Tentatively at first, but then with increasing confidence we tested C rank genjutsu, B rank genjutsu and even one A rank genjutsu against my ketsuryūgan, but only when DFB tried with his sharingan did the genjutsu stick.

Without it activated, however, I could only hold up against D rank genjutsu without more practice, but considering how much trouble I'd had with almost anything chakra related it was a welcome change and a definite relief.

Unfortunately from there we moved onto casting that same Demonic Illusion genjutsu, which was a different story entirely. It was like tree walking all over again except even slower.

Thankfully the careful and controlled application of chakra required in genjutsu meant that DFB and I knew it was going to take fucking forever to learn right from the start and just determined to keep going no matter how long it took.

* * *

To break up my consistent efforts in genjutsu and prevent frustration from kicking in too much, DFB helped by teaching me to thread the smallest amount of chakra I could into a few very specific areas that he made absolutely certain I knew where was inside me both on paper and in reality.

The first one was inside my olfactory bulb, where signals picked up from the individual olfactory receptors cells in the membrane in the back of my nose converged. I already knew that each molecule in the air which carried a smell I could pick up would bind with a receptor, and this would activate the relevant olfactory receptor cell. I also knew that an electrical signal then made its way to the higher brain regions... somehow.

I also knew that the colourful landscape all around us could be viewed via a combination of the three primary colours. I knew that the human nose had about 400 of the equivalent to make their own combinations. I knew that some larger molecules were only capable of binding to perhaps a small number of receptors and so went unnoticed. What I didn't know was that once all the signals from the different olfactory receptor cells converged in the olfactory bulb, it was the proteins involved in sending the signal off to the brain that required a 'boost' in order to make the landscape of scents so much richer.

Everyone smelt differently, and I knew that better than anyone on a personal level, seeing as one of the things I'd absently noticed was that my entire world of smells was brand new in this body. I didn't know that this Hatake body was also designed to 'switch on' in terms of smell, eyesight and hearing once I'd threaded the right amount of chakra to the right place in my body.

I thought it should be classed as Kekkei Genkai, but apparently because the Hatake Clan didn't have monopoly of these particular genetics across the Elemental Nations it didn't count, especially since it wasn't particularly flashy. I called bullshit, but apparently saying that word with incredible passion didn't magically change the law, so...

Starting with my sense of smell was the safest, since if I completely fucked up and busted my sense of smell, it would be the least detrimental to my future shinobi career.

Next we focussed on hearing and that was complicated putting it lightly. I had to read multiple medical essays and a couple of Hatake scrolls to really understand what I was doing. When it came down to it there was no simple way of making a human's hearing 'better'. A lot of it had to do with reinforcing what I already had with chakra so that it wouldn't degrade with age and exposure to the noise of battle.

Next it was the equivalent of 'inventing' the hairs that picked up noise noise frequencies and translated them to electrical signals so that I had a higher frequency range via chakra prosthetics. The bit that I found the hardest to understand was increasing the optimum range of frequencies that was heard by my ears. I'd never read up on resonance in ear canals and Hertz and the 3000-4000 range that was the frequency range humans heard at the loudest volume.

Using chakra in order to increase the resonance different amounts for different frequencies so that I wasn't walking around completely distracted by an inundation of noise was difficult and stressful work, but I got there in the end. The last part was the most nail biting, and it was the slight altering of the way the amygdala and auditory area of my brain interpreted sounds. Now that sounds were much more difficult to cause damage to my hearing, it was less important that I find some to be incredibly unpleasant.

It was important not to get rid of the reaction entirely, because some noises were found unpleasant for good reasons, and kicked in survival responses I would need. But I could get away with dampening the reaction a little. It was anxiety inducing at times, but with a lot of prep and a lot of care I managed to sort of soften my brain activity to unpleasant noises, so that although I still recognised them as unpleasant, and the required survival instincts still kicked in for some, I had much less of a distressed emotional reaction to them.

My eyes, for all that it was the easiest to understand and 'switch on' almost had me soaking through my clothes with sweat due to the risks involved. Truthfully, since I was lucky enough to be born with a nicely shaped cornea and eyeball, I didn't have to worry about early glasses. To make sure that never became something I had to think about as I got older, I simply needed to add chakra to my lens and the suspensory ligament/ciliary everything attaching and controlling the lens. This ensured damage over time was massively reduced and the loss of elasticity prevented.

Additionally I had to flood (if flooding meant with teensie tiny amounts) my rods and cones in the backs of my eyes with chakra. I was pretty impressed with those nifty little buggers once they were switched on. Apparently depending on the amount of light they were subjected to the rods or cones would use more or less chakra to boost my vision alternatively. This meant that my night vision was excellent without having to compromise my colour saturation. This also meant I could see a wide range of colours without worrying about light sensitivity.

Other than that, they were left alone, thanks to the fact that I had already had 20/10 vision from a mixture of what I could only assume was Hatake genetics and Chinoike genetics.

The boost in my senses were overwhelming and somewhat disorienting to say the least. To help me acclimate to them, as well as improve my reaction time, my on the spot tactics, and to help me slip into the correct mindset during unexpected combat, a new game was invented. It was called Ambush. The name was pretty self explanatory. With the exception of when I was with DFB asleep in bed or out as Sona, I was fair game to be ambushed whenever and wherever.

After an 'incident' that almost had Genma decapitated and certainly had him defenestrated, Ambush was also banned for Tenzō and Genma when I was in the bathroom, and banned for Gai when I in the shower, bath or on the loo. I told DFB that if he ever ambushed me while I was crapping I'd personally see to it that Tora used his mask as a litter tray and see how he liked the smell right up against that superior Hatake nose of his.

Ambush was a fun game as well, but it was far more exasperation than Playing Ninja because it had no set end to it. Sometimes the timing was super fucking inconvenient, and although just like Playing Ninja I was fairly praised and criticised in turns, I preferred Playing Ninja no contest.

Learning to use my nose and ears in interpreting and responding to attacks was exciting, but I was hesitant to claim the price of constant potential aggravation as worth it.

* * *

In a fit of desperation to get away from a trio of bored overgrown menchildren who took absurd gratification in surprising, harassing and beating up a toddler sized person with far less experience, I eventually demanded (begged) DFB teach me something new and put a veto on any ambushes during DFB/Subaru lesson time.

He thoughtfully tilted his head, "hmm... I suppose I could expand on one of the earliest things I taught you, and the skill you're best at."

I perked up, always up for knowing where I'm succeeding since I usually found that more difficult to spot than where I was going slower, "Oh? What's that?"

"Lying," he eye smiled in a particular cheerful manner that immediately had me suspicious.

"Yes, I guess I have gotten pretty good at that thanks to you holding cake hostage every night. How's that supposed to be expanded on?"

"It's a key shinobi skill not only to lie well on the spot, spin a convincing tale or answer incorrectly to a direct question, but to do it in adverse circumstance, under pressure and to people who already know you're inclined to lie."

"Riiight?" I raised a brow. DFB softened slightly, and that was when I saw that the false cheer had been hiding reluctance and concern. That was also when I knew I was not going to enjoy whatever incredibly necessary thing he was about to start teaching me.

He sighed, and ran his fingers briefly through my hair before lowering himself to my level, "there's a good chance, owing to your genetics, my reputation, your gender, your clear potential and your physical youth that at one point or another someone will attempt to capture you, Su-chan. Whether they succeed or not isn't always down to how to skilled you are but... circumstance. Fortune. Luck.

"There are things you know now, and you will inevitably know in the future that you will need to know how to keep secret in the face of people determined to extract those secrets. You'll also need to know how to escape from those situations. Taking you step by step through various theoretical possibilities will only do so much here. The best way to learn is, unfortunately, practice.

"This isn't going to be pleasant for either of us. But I need to know that if that ever happens to you, I gave you the best chance possible to survive in one piece and come home. So next up I'm going to teach you about Escapism and Interrogation Survival."

I saw the solemn look in his eye and although my heart was pattering an anxious tempo at the potential of pain and stress and defeat multiple times, I quirked a smile as well and told him, "you want to know a secret?"

"What?"

"The thing about having two parents who despised each other, and one who liked terrifying or occasionally beating children when he lost his temper was that I was frequently subjected to questioning and interrogation about the other parent growing up. I was shit at it at first... and I can't say I ever learned how to be great at it. But... a part of me came to enjoy the fear and threat of interrogation.

"As I got older I started to see it as a game. Who could fuck with other the most. Who could force the other to say and believe what they wanted. It was a fucked game, and the stakes were way too high, but I trust you more than I ever trusted either of them. I'm nervous as all hell, but I'm strangely excited too. There's also nostalgia now that I think about it."

DFB huffed an unsurprised breath and added, "I'm not going to go easy on you, Su-chan, and you can bet I'm a lot more practiced at it than your parents were. But I also promised that I will be in control of the situation the entire time, and I will never do you any kind of permanent damage."

"Yeah okay, that's fair. Can I ask a favour though?"

"Sure."

"Don't bring Genma or Gai into it. I'll never be able to take the exercise seriously if I see either of them in an interrogation situation. I'll be too busy laughing hysterically."

"I can do that," he eye smiled with a nod.

"Also any cake or chocolate I vomit during practice must be replaced afterward by the same or something equivalent."

"Don't push it."

* * *

 _In case you were wondering, the kid that bumped into her will be_ _relevant in the future. I don't know about Rini yet._

 _For any of you who haven't watched the human centipede and so don't understand why Su-chan was traumatised- I suggest you go and absolutely remain in your happy bubble of ignorance._

 _Sorry if you don't understand some of the chakra boosting senses bit, just take away from it that Sonaru has advanced hearing, sight and smell because she's a Hatake._

 _So how do you think Sonaru is going to hold up against Interrogation simulation? Who's going to walk away from that worse emotionally; Kakashi or Sonaru?_

 _Also, thoughts on Fukuda as a person? Suspicious? Feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt? Think Sonaru was too hasty in her thoughts on the woman's character? Total dickface?_

 _I forgot_ _to add, that's a clear yes on Sonaru getting her own pack to train in the future. It'll be smaller than Kakashi's and I can't promise they'll all be actual dogs haha._


	39. Chapter 39

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Hey sorry it's been a while! I moved country and got a new job. A job which I know absolutely nothing about so it's a learning curve. Also this chapter kicked my butt quite a bit so I kept giving up.

I said last chapter that this one was going to be long, because I intended to go through what Sonaru was learning during interrogation lessons and all the theory leading up to that. I was planning to world build a fair bit, but I left my notebooks and shit that I use to inspire myself back in the UK and it's just been so difficult to motivate myself creatively since then. So I changed my mind and this is a fairly average length.

I will eventually go into that but for now I decided she'll be less informed and so shall you.

I remember someone asked me in the comments at some point about length and when she's gonna grow up properly or something? And all I can say is that if I knew I would tell you. I really am making this up as I go along, I only think a bit in advance and although there are some plot points here and there that I like to include, I never know when I'm actually going to get to the point where I can include them.

Having said that though! I do intend to start putting a little more care and effort into the plot of this story soonish. No promises on when because I want to reach a story checkpoint but I don't know how long it'll take to get there. Warning; with more thought out plot, comes less regular updates.

No editing as always and English underlined as always.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 39 - I Know You're Gonna Be Okay**

"Hey DFB, what do you know about the Fukuda Norita's clan?" I finally got round to asking him a few days after we had worked out a loose schedule that would allow me to initiate my apprenticeship with the woman without taking up time I would spend training.

"The Fukuda clan is primarily a civilian clan. I know they aren't the largest clan, but they're certainly well established. They're not quite influential enough to be able to hold sway in shinobi matters, but among the purely civilian strata they're in the top tier of clans. Fukuda Norita is the matriarch of the clan, and her husband is the head of the clan.

"The family rose in wealth and prominence through trading and selling tea leaves throughout all the major countries of the Elemental Nations which then expanded into incense too, and although there are multiple Fukuda tea shops in various cities the most famous one is here in Konoha. The tea shop and tea room in Konoha are renown, which is helped by the fact that the Fukuda Tea House is often used for tea ceremonies by people of high importance - even by the Kages during diplomatic visits- where Fukuda Norita herself is the hostess."

"Hm," I bit at my lip in thought, "I don't suppose you have any idea why she'd be so interested in me? If her clan is that wealthy, wouldn't there be a string of wealthy civilian clan children for her to teach?"

"I don't know much about the clan. I only know as much as I've already said because it's one of the civilian clans that the Hokage takes some care to ensure that their influence doesn't encroach into shinobi matters at all. The Fukuda head has some strong views on various shinobi related politics but he doesn't have the power to act on them. The Hokage keeps it that way by curtailing their expansion into business or politics that involve shinobi, without offending them.

"That's really all I know. The clan only has a single member in the shinobi forces and she completely cut ties with them for varying and personal reasons years ago, before she was a Jōnin. If I had to take a guess it would be that Fukuda Norita wants to use you as a stepping stone for the clan to breach the barrier into shinobi business to then gain influence in shinobi political matters. The name I gave you; Igarashi - on records it belongs to a wealthy but very small civilian clan that deals with a lot of diplomatic and weapons based work, closely interacting with many of the shinobi clans, and has little to do with the circle any Fukuda would be exposed to. I imagine she's hoping to capitalise on her mentorship of you to benefit her clan."

Well I didn't have too much to worry about if that was her plan; to use me for something that I had no intention of supplying her and could prevent her from doing so very easily, since Igarashi Sona could slip away into non existence as easily as I could remove clothes and some black eye contacts.

"I-"

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

Fucking _ow_. Goddamn Ambush.

* * *

A map landed on the ground in front of me with a slap, causing me to look up from where I was slowly copying sections of the explosive tag I had in my hand, with an eyebrow raised.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" My tone was punctuated with an unamused grumble, which DFB smartly didn't comment on.

I was in a shitty mood, having found out from Gai accidentally letting slip that the bastard DFB didn't actually like sweet things. Which was a whatever, who gave a damn what someone did or didn't like to eat.

Unless of course this someone was a rotten wanker who had been _eating my fucking chocolate cake for the best part of a year in front of me_ whenever I failed to lie to him successfully enough times in a day.

Chocolate was the closest thing I was probably ever going to get to something I deified, especially after the unexplainable phenomenon that was my reincarnation. To see that smug bastard disrespect - nay _desecrate_ -such a treasured and worshipped existence when I could have given it the honour and love it deserved. Sweet chocolate, it just killed a little bit of my heart each time I thought about it.

"Are you internally monologuing to a non existent audience again, Su-chan?" DFB had the gall to sound amused at me.

I grunted at him with an ill humoured scowl and gestured impatiently at the map in front of me.

With one last irritating eye smile that just screamed smug, DFB proceeded to act as though my grump was non existent and informed me with way too much pep in his voice, "this is a fairly simple map of the Elemental Nations. It only includes major landmarks, country borders, large cities and hidden villages. The terrain information is barely included but it gives you a good enough place to start. You're familiar enough with the layout of Konoha at this point but you don't know much about what things are like outside of the walls. Memorise this to help you visualise some of the necessary knowledge you need to know before we start practicing interrogation."

"Why would a map help with that?"

"You need to have at least a basic understanding of the Elemental Nations geography for multiple reasons. For example, let's say you're undercover as a civilian trader, and you're in Kiri on a mission to collect intelligence. They're a little suspicious of your background because they've never seen you before and yet your story is that you're an established trader, so they bring you in for questioning. One particularly smart shinobi takes one look at the way your cart is built, or the rope used to tie your products down and extrapolates that you're from Konoha before you've even opened your mouth. What do you do?"

"Well I'd be fucked because Kiri doesn't get along with Konoha. So I'd prepare for torture as best I could and plan my escape."

"That's why you need to know as many different types of map as possible. If you'd taken a look at a map that included trade routes you'd see that Kiri has a lot of them from other countries. Even ones that they're incredibly hostile to. The hidden village doesn't have any civilians of their own and so they rely entirely on trade with civilians from their own country as well as others.

"Kiri may be one of the most aggressive hidden villages in shinobi standards, but its relationship with civilians is a separate matter. The same goes for any hidden village or country. Its foreign relationships tell two entirely different stories in regard to military and civilian. You need to know both and familiarity with geography can only help if you find yourself interrogated.

"Besides, once you escape or are on the run as a shinobi you need to know where you are and exactly how to get home while you're under high levels of stress, probably cut off from any help, possibly injured and weak.

"Finally, as a more personal reason; I have enemies. My enemies and my father's enemies are likely to be your enemies. Some people will kill you the moment they look at your face and recognise me in it. There are areas in the world which are far more high risk than others and you need to know which."

"I need to know all of this to help with escapology and interrogation survival?" I raised my brows in surprise.

"Geography, cartography, an in depth understanding of civilian and military foreign relations and direct threats toward our clan, yes. All of them can only boost your chances of surviving as unharmed as possible."

I groaned, not in the mood to study more theory, and attempted to dramatically roll away across the floor as an escape until a magically appearing weight sat on my back and suffocated me.

"Heurk!" I choked, craning my head to see what was pinning me down and caught a spiked collar in my periphery, "Bull, get off me!"

Unfortunately Bull acted like he couldn't hear me, and sat there happily panting.

"Since you're already comfortable why don't we get started?" The bastard eye smiled and sat down across from me, ignoring my death glare.

* * *

In the midst of practicing lock picking with my hands behind my back, and how to hide useful little tools in the lining of my clothes that would be missed by a pat down, Tenzō began teaching me the the rope escaping technique that any graduate Genin should know.

Apparently Genma had put the idea forward, but as soon as DFB heard me being tied up with ropes, he banned Genma from being the one to instruct me.

Just like every other technique that used chakra I wasn't great at it, but I was fortunate in that it only needed a tiny amount and it didn't require precision at all, which sped the learning curve up by a large amount.

Beyond learning the common psychological methods used during interrogation, it quickly became obvious to all of us that DFB was putting off applying them in practice to give me a real life taste of intense questioning.

I didn't say anything at first, sympathetic to his hesitance and reluctance to see me distressed at his hands in any way, but as my birthday approached and he made no move to move on I became frustrated with him. In all areas of practice I was making progress but this one. I was even learning more from Fukuda as I shadowed her during my apprenticeship.

Despite the continuation of Ambush and Playing Ninja I began to get restless in my anticipation for the next stage of learning. While I understood his reluctance, I still felt insulted by it. I had no desire to be babied any more than I already had to be due to my lack of practical experience and physical size. My simmering irritation eventually began to express itself during our spars, as my moves became sharper and angrier, my hits more vicious and less precise.

Finally something had to break between my annoyance and DFB's pussyfooting. It was unfortunate that that something ended up being my skin.

We were sparring two on one during Playing Ninja, at a relative stalemate between me and Genma against DFB, as Gai snuck past in order to reach the objective.

DFB was taunting us both in attempt to rile us up, which I usually found easy to ignore. This particular time though, with my temper already at a consistent low burn I found myself gritting my teeth and my already less precise moves dipped for just a second to downright sloppy as I lashed out in an ill timed cheap shot.

My left arm shot out, intercepting DFB's kunai swipe and we all watched in dismay as the sharp tip pierced the palm of my hand and slid cleanly down my wrist, slicing the skin and flesh open as it went.

DFB hastily yanked his kunai away from my inner arm, leaving behind a two and half inch gash decorating the pale skin. On my small arm that incision length went all the way from the hand to the inner elbow. The kunai was sharp enough that it took half a second to start bleeding properly, but when it did the small trickle transformed into heavy flowing quickly.

With the Adrenalin racing through my system from the sparring the sting and throbbing was only minimal, but I could practically feel the biting heat of pain waiting just on the edge of the Adrenalin rush.

"Shit, Mini Bastard. Hold still," Genma hastened to tell me as he quickly dropped his weapons and leaned over me.

DFB froze for a second, paling at my crimson soaked arm and the rapidly soaking ground as my blood dripped heavily, but he quickly collected himself and dropped his weapon like it burned him.

In that time Genma had already applied pressure to my arm and I could feel the adrenalin just start to ebb away slightly. I was not looking forward to the pain when it finally dropped, and grit my teeth in anticipation as sweat beaded on the back of my neck.

"Let me look," DFB finally got his wits together enough to demand, "if nothing too serious was cut through I should be able to close it myself."

With my arm rapidly beginning to hurt, I allowed a hiss to escape from between my teeth and unpleasant shivers wracked my body as Genma pulled the cloth away from the injury.

Even more blood pushed its way over the edge of my skin and slid down my arm. I could smell it. Copper and salt and sweetness and heat. It smelt good. Really good. I resisted the urge to swipe my arm with my tongue and swallowed thickly, almost able to taste it in the back of my throat.

Doing my best to focus on the pleasant colour and smell rather then the increasing pain shooting up and down my limb in time to my heavy heart beat I watched with a grimace as DFB gently poked and prodded at the gash.

"Genma, get Gai. He has what I need to clean the wound. After that I'll be able to heal it enough that she won't need the hospital," his voice was authoritative and commanding like it rarely was around me and had Genma whisking himself away in the space of a blink.

"What were you thinking, Su-chan?" Uncommon anger sharpened the question as he looked me in the eyes with a glare.

My face coloured in embarrassment and annoyance in return and I finally burst, "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have- that was stupid of me... I've just been so fucking annoyed with you! I let that- I'm sorry I let that get in the way of... of my judgement. I just- I just. You've been babying me and I can't stand it!"

His eyebrow raised in surprise, but the severity of his expression didn't dissipate. Nevertheless I could see the consideration in his face as he calmly spoke, "we should talk about this later."

I nodded once and avoided eye contact in my shame until Genma returned with Gai.

"Here, Kakashi," Gai handed DFB a water bottle and pill. DFB dropped the pill in the water and then shook the bottle vigorously as the pill dissolved.

"This is going to hurt," DFB warned, before bracing my arm in his hand and upending the bottle over my wound.

My teeth gnashed together and I half growled half snarled, in order to avoid wailing in the face of the overwhelming sting. My entire arm felt far too hot and Gai supported me as my legs threatened to collapse.

Swear dripped down my back and my face as I panted, feeling exhausted. We weren't done yet though, as DFB removed his hand and placed the water bottle down on the ground.

"Keep your arm up. Genma, get the bandages out."

His hands lit up in translucent green fire and moved to cup my wound as I stared transfixed. A split second before he touched me the memory of the first and only time I had had the Mystical Palm technique used on me shoved its way to the forefront of my mind.

 _._

 _It had felt... like nothing I could describe. Like if bleeding into someone else's body could be both hygienic, clean, and romanticised. Like a part of his essence, the most natural, simultaneously the most human and yet least conscious part of him had touched me. I didn't know why Chakra seemed to largely be a weapon of war when it felt so intimate to be touched by it._

 _It was like, in that moment, when his chakra had entered my system, I knew him. I knew him on a fundamental level, I saw his existence, I recognised him as a living human, I connected to him in a way I had never experienced before._

 _It had left me momentarily in awe._

.

I hadn't ever given it any thought after that day, what with the events that experience had led to mere minutes afterward. I had forgotten it had happened at all, and pushed the memory to the back of my mind, more concerned with the revelations that followed the exposure to the technique.

 _._

 _I didn't want to connect like that to a stranger now that I had committed myself to leaving this life. If that happened again I would quickly lose my resolve, living day to day waiting for a chance to feel that fleeting spiritual intimacy again, that at the end of the day was no substitute for the sort of personal connection I was more familiar with from my original life._

 _It would be a shitty way for me to live. And far too easy to visualise. I realised that if DFB ever did that with me I was fucked. I couldn't let that happen. In something resembling panic, but was actually closer to dread, I stood up, and immediately saw the balcony doors had been left open just enough for me to fit through the gap._

 _Not taking any more time to think things through, least I lose my nerve, I made my way unwaveringly out onto the balcony, and saw, to my grim satisfaction, that the bars of the rail on the balcony were set far enough apart for me to squeeze through._

 _My breath caught in my throat, and my mouth was dry, no matter how many times I swallowed. I felt the sweat build on the palms of my hands, and prickle coldly down my back. Despite the adrenaline, and pounding heart, my mind felt numb, in a daze, and everything felt unreal._

 _I fit myself through the metal bars and stepped up to the edge, knowing better than to take a pause to allow any doubts to set in, then without another thought, I fell forward._

.

Then DFB's hand came in contact with my arm, interrupting the memories... and it was exactly like the last time. But even more intense.

My vision whited out as a tsunami of pure feeling swept over me and covered me. It wrapped around me, suffocating in the best possible way. I couldn't even feel if I was breathing or not, but I had to be because I was so light. So heavy and light at the same time.

I knew him at a level I'd never known him before. It was like I had access to everything that made DFB human and it was beautiful. It was so beautiful. I wanted to give him my spirit and heart, the breath in my lungs and love in my thoughts.

There was so much bliss it ran along the edge of agony. Perfection which lasted moments that stretched onwards and onwards. Everything in me that constantly craved closer and more time with DFB was sated like it never was.

Every little flicker of stress and doubt and irritation that clouded my relationship with him, even things I didn't know were there, were cleared away to leave pure adoration.

I was drowning in adoration and it was amazing.

Slowly, almost unnoticeably at first, the intensity dimmed and drained. It was gentle, like a feather floating toward the ground, leaving behind an impression of the peace and wonder I could function with.

With a content sigh, I blinked rapidly and returned to myself fully. Languidly looking toward DFB, unsure how long had really passed.

He was staring at me, with the most openly gobsmacked and awed expression I had ever seen him wear. He stared speechlessly at me for long seconds, before asking me in hushed reverence, " _what_ was that?"

He had tear streaks on his face, soaking into his mask, and a shift of breeze cooled the tears I realised stained my own cheeks. The feeling of fabric on my fingers had me glancing down, alerting me to the fact that at some point my other hand had reached out and grasped one of DFB's arms.

When had that happened? Why? I thought I vaguely remembered reaching toward him in some way as I was overcome with the desire to give DFB back something of what he had done for me. I didn't realise I had literally reached out though.

"What was that?" He asked again, still hushed.

"I don't know. It happened last time the technique was used on me, too. When I was a baby. This time was so much more..." I answered almost as quietly.

"Can someone explain to me what's going on?" Genma's baffled voice pierced through the moment and had DFB jerking back in surprise.

"I don't know," DFB repeated me, "I was healing her and then she grabbed me and her... it was like her chakra responded to mine and... entered my system. But not in any way I'm familiar with. It was just there, connecting me to Su-chan."

"You were both shedding tears. Were you in pain?" Gai asked, concerned.

"No. It didn't hurt. It was..." I saw DFB try to find a single word to accurately express the experience, and find himself unable to do so, settling for a lacklustre, "good. It was good"

I barely focussed on what happened afterward, more than happy to silently bask in DFB's presence. From his quiet stillness, he seemed to be of a similar mind.

By evening we were back home, on the sofa with me curled into him, barely having spoken a word to each other but more than okay with that. I still hadn't let go of his arm.

"What was that?" He finally asked once more, turning to me with a half lost expression.

"I don't know," I told him again, "it's only happened once, shortly before I... jumped. It wasn't exactly the most important thing that happened to me that day so I honestly forgot about it until now."

"Why would you want to kill yourself after something like that?" He sounded troubled and confused.

"I was scared about getting addicted to the experience, and just living for it. Like an addict only living for the next high. I thought if I ever experience it with you I would never have a chance; from then on I'd live life suicidally depressed, but too hooked on that brief feeling to do anything about it. I was right," I turned to him, "if I still wanted to kill my self now I would never be able to go through with it after that."

I looked down at my bandaged forearm, hiding the much shallower wound which would almost definitely scar. It would look to a lot of people like a suicide attempt due to the placement. Maybe with time the scar would fade.

"Your chakra didn't reach back last time, though," DFB commented, like he was trying and failing to make sense of it all.

"No."

He heaved a deep breath and released it slowly, "okay. Regardless, the circumstances leading to today... were unacceptable."

"I know. I'm sorry," I replied calmly.

"You said I was babying you," DFB sounded equally calm.

"Aa, you've been avoiding practice interrogation. I was insulted that you felt more concerned with my potentially hurt feelings than you felt belief in my ability to weather it."

There was a pause as DFB thought on my words, "okay, I'm sorry about that. We'll start after your birthday. There are a few useful ninjutsu I'd like you to know first."

"Fair enough."

There was no more to be said after that. Any resentments or aggravation that might have lingered around the conversation had already dissipated in the face of the peace the strange chakra experience had left behind.

We sat in perfect contentment and connection next to each other for the rest of the evening, comfortable with our mutual silence and feeling no need to fill it.

* * *

DFB spent the week after that both getting close to the end of the creation of the seal he had been working on, and doing preliminary research on what had happened that day in the training ground.

With him so busy, and Tenzō on a mission, I spent a lot of time with Gai and Genma. Most of it was spent physical training with Gai, persuading him not to do anything for my birthday, and Genma teaching me one of the ninjutsu that DFB wanted me to learn.

It was a suitor ninjutsu that required very small but precise amounts of chakra, with great aim. Genma called it spit projectile, and it was how he could spit his senbon out of his mouth with such speed and force as to block a thrown kunai.

"Since the Bastard has already sewn all those useful little things into your clothes, it's easy enough to get one of those hidden under your tongue, or access something with your mouth when the rest of you is restrained. From there, if you only have one or two guards or kidnappers, this is a very useful method of taking them out, since generally shinobi don't expect too much danger from your mouth if you can't make hand signs.

"Even though you have your struggles with chakra, you're easily Chūnin level when comes to projectile weaponry like kunai, shuriken and senbon, so I think once you get the hang of the chakra application this will be a real hidden ace."

I blushed heavily at the compliment and tripped over my words for far too long afterward, trying to hide my telling grin.

* * *

"I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, Su-chan-"

"We never celebrate yours or Gai's and I don't want to be singled out. Plus I'm not big on birthdays anyway," I shrugged somewhat defensively.

"Maa maa I already explained to Gai your reasoning. We both know you only want a birthday party if it gets you a kitten," DFB waved uncaringly, "still, before we go any further I want you to take this and channel the smallest amount of chakra you can into it."

Looking at the square piece of blank paper, my eyebrows shot upward.

"Chakra paper? Seriously? Isn't that only for people who are further advanced than I am?"

Regardless, I took the paper from him without any further prompting and did as instructed. The paper immediately crinkled in my hand, and then dampened with absorbed water immediately afterward.

"Raiton and suiton. Good, I was hoping you had inherited the Hatake lightening affinity. Normally you're right and shinobi more experienced than you test their affinity, but I was hoping to teach you a couple raiton ninjutsu. They're only D rank, but raiton is a very dangerous element and can be difficult to control. I wasn't going to risk teaching you if you didn't have an affinity making things slightly easier. This is your birthday present from me."

"Okay, I'll accept that as a present," I responded, faux reluctantly, "Which ninjutsu are we talking about, exactly?"

"The first one is an external ninjutsu and allows you to electrify another with physical contact. It's not very strong, and with your control and chakra levels the best you'll get is a taser - nevertheless that's still enough to down many full grown shinobi for a few seconds.

"The second is an internal ninjutsu and a lot more dangerous if you make a mistake despite its low rank. It allows you a level of conscious control over your heart rate. Your heart beat is controlled by electrical signals and this raiton ninjustu gives you a few minutes of control at a time to slow it down, or speed it up, keep it steady or add a little hiccup in there to make it seem like you're lying when you're not if someone is monitoring your heart rate under interrogation.

"It has an additional application if the ninjustu is directed toward your other muscles in that it can give you a few minutes boost of speed. The downsides are that if you slip up when controlling your heart rate, you could accidentally stop your own heart, or give yourself a heart attack, and if you use it on your muscles then your nerves are also enhanced - that means any pain is a lot worse and even things that wouldn't otherwise register as pain might feel overwhelming. Be careful with this one."

I didn't bother suppressing my excited grin at the idea of learning raiton ninjutsu. They were so destructive and cool and my inner evil couldn't wait to get experienced enough that I could really fuck shit up with home made lightening. Plus I admittedly felt good about another visceral connection to the Hatake clan. Another piece of proof that I actually belonged to it.

"I will, tou-san. When do we start?" I wriggled around gleefully, to his mild amusement.

"Now sounds good."

"Wait - really? Right now?"

"Now's as good a time as any. I don't see why not. I don't think it will take you more than a couple of weeks if your effort remains consistent. It might even take you closer to one week. But," DFB held a warning finger up, "I'm not joking about the consequences of raiton ninjutsu. You haven't taken any of the training lightly so far so I'm not too worried, but it bears saying anyway - if you mess around with raiton jutsus I won't pass anymore onto you."

I nodded rapidly, "sure. Absolutely. Definitely. Let's get started!"

"Okay, we're starting with the external ninjutsu."

"Do you think I could make someone piss themselves if I used it on them?"

"Undoubtedly."

"Awesome!"

* * *

My third year in Konoha came to a close with little fanfare beyond a dinner attended by everyone but Tenzō who was still on a mission.

It was nice, and although I did miss Tenzō's long suffering attempts at seriousness around DFB, Genma somewhat made up for that. After all, it was always more fun to spend time with people when DFB was making someone suffer just a little bit.

Especially since DFB was usually just a touch more savage around Gai, as though to make up for how Gai tended to make DFB suffer just a little bit, often without even meaning to.

It got to the end of the evening, when everyone was full, a bit tired, and a bit drunk on laughter, when Gai cleared his throat to make an announcement. We turned to him, expecting some sentimental and overly tearful or surprisingly perceptive speech.

"Since I was given the honour of being chosen as your godfather, Su-hime, I can barely remember a time I felt so happy. Your presence in my life makes things better, and I'm certain that this is the same for both Genma and Kakashi. Nothing has made me happier than seeing you flourish and grow. Nothing makes me more satisfied than seeing my lessons and my own effort help fan your flames to new heights.

"Your Hard Work this past year has inspired me. I have realised what a gift it is to pass the flames of Youth on to the next generation. I understand that despite your physical youth, you are not the blank slate of other children, and I see how much guiding they need just from the results Kakashi brings back from the Genin test.

I have pushed Kakashi for some years now to pass his pearls of wisdom and experience on through teaching, knowing he would gain much from doing so, and I now realised that this advice applies to me just as much. As a result, I have put myself forward as a Jōnin Sensei to the next graduate class of Genin."

I saw out the corner of my eye the surprised look on Genma's face, but not on DFB's, and realised that he must have already been told or had guessed.

"I have observed the soon to be Genin class already, and I've seen one or two students who I believe will most benefit from my style of teaching. Of course, nothing is finalised until a Genin team passes my test, but I have faith that those who I've suggested be put into my team will meet my test with everything they have. I believe that I'll soon be a Jōnin Sensei.

"Despite that, I'll still have the time to train you, but perhaps not as regularly, and perhaps not always one on one. I hope this change doesn't disappoint you, Su-hime."

All I could think of in that moment, was DFB's horror filled face when he met Rock Lee once the boy changed his outfit and hairstyle. God I hoped that was actually going to happen.

I remembered my impression of Rock Lee being that of a ridiculous, adorable and slightly insane kid. Well matched to Gai.

I was certain I'd like him despite my general avoidance of other people's children.

I gave Gai a knowing smile, which curved into something closer to a smirk, "I know you'll be a fantastic Sensei, Gai, and I can't wait to meet these students who have already caught your eye. I'm sure we'll get on infamously."

In the edge of my vision, I saw with a level of satisfaction as DFB's head snapped sharply toward me, trepidation in his eyes at my choice of words.

* * *

 _So guess who Sonaru's going to meet next chapter..._

 _What do you think she'll make of Neji and Tenten when she meets them? What do you think they'll all make of her?_

 _Out of all the Konoha rookie Genin, who do you think Sonaru will get along with the most when she meets them? Who will she dislike the most do you think? Why?_

 _I'm sure at least one of you has a guess at what's going on with the healing chakra thing, and I can't remember if it's more well known in canon than I'm making it out to be. If Kakashi would realistically know what it is in canon, I'm changing that in my story to it something that's mostly been forgotten by everyone._

 _Additionally, to address any concerns, note I never mentioned torture survival being practiced anywhere. Kakashi wouldn't do that, normal interrogation only._


	40. Chapter 40

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I really don't know how this turned into a full chapter. I had no intention of doing so and this was supposed to be a 1/1.5k word section. I guess I got too enamoured with the character I was writing.

Let me know what you think of the character you're about to get to know better!

Next chapter will likely be a lot smaller as a result, and I promise we finally get to meet Rock Lee then too!

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 40 - I Wish I Could Feel Things Like You**

It was getting late in the afternoon by the time I began making my way home from four hours following Fukuda around as she dominated like a boss. It was kind of exhausting. I had a shit ton of respect for the woman and all she accomplished everyday, I was repeatedly impressed by how perceptive and sharp her intelligence was, how masterfully she manoeuvred everyone around her to get the exact result she wanted regardless of their initial willingness to comply, and just how thoroughly she knew her stuff.

She was still kind of a dick, though. Spending a prolonged amount of time in her presence was hella tiring, watching her steamroll over everyone - watching most of the people who worked for her bend over and take it because they knew the alternative was to get a brutal fucking rather than just a rough one. Even being liked by her was a bit knackering because she had such an opinionated 'my way or the highway' attitude.

DFB and Genma had been sent on a mission together, and with Tenzō not back for another week or two it was just Gai. Of course Gai wasn't really 'just' anything, but I was a grown-ass lady despite my size and I didn't need him to entertain me constantly when he had his own shit to be getting on with. As a result, the rest of my day was free of plans beyond messing around with the fuuinjutsu configurations of various types of explosive tags.

Not that I was allowed to activate any of what I made due to the lack of supervision. It was days like this that I really missed wifi.

Lost in thought about what the Elemental Nations might have done with internet, I almost missed the body hurtling around the corner toward me. And by almost I meant spotted it by miles, but had just enough time appropriate for a civilian child to dodge.

The other kid realised a second too late that I was in his general direction and stumbled in surprise, tripping over his own feet and face-planting spectacularly. In the seconds he lay face down in the dust, I cleared my throat painfully in order to suppress the cackle that wanted to burst from me at watching a child trip and eat dirt in that wonderfully bouncy way they had.

I restrained the urge to make some sort of quip, aware of most kids' sensitive nature when it came to being teased, and instead asked gently, "Are you okay?"

With a groan and a sniffle, the boy lifted his head and raised himself onto his knees giving me a proper view of his face. It took me a second to place it, but I quickly recognised the boy as the hilariously foul mouthed kid from weeks earlier, and from the wide eyes he did the same for me not too long afterward.

"You!" He scowled, pursing his small lips together in an attempt at fury, "You got in my fucking way again, you brat. I'm going punch your lights out for sure this time!"

He scrambled to his feet, ignoring the slightly weeping grazes on his knees and the thick dust covering his already wet clothes.

"Ah, hello again, stranger-kun, fancy meeting you like this again," I smiled sweetly.

"Well? What do you have to say?" He asked threateningly, taking a step forward in a futile and completely adorable try of physical intimidation.

I struggled to keep my answering grin to something polite and demure, "Did you like the hair clip, stranger-kun? I've noticed you're missing a hair adornment this time, would you like mine?"

Beneath his green-tinted black hair I saw the tips of his ears burn red as he spluttered, "Wha-N-I-I," he made an unattractive snorting noise and crossed his arms defensively while he unconvincingly insisted, "Tch, I don't know- don't know what you're talking about. Bitch."

Jesus this kid was going to kill me. I was going to die of asphyxiation from keeping my face straight and my laughter quiet.

Instead I tilted my head to the side with a mildly bewildered moue, forefinger touching my bottom lip in a manner I knew was almost saccharine in its sweetness.

"No? I apologise stranger-kun, I must have you confused with another scruffy green-black haired boy with a tendency toward swearing. You and he have an uncanny resemblance you see," I gave a warmly apologetic smile and a slight bow.

He full bodily twitched, seemingly having to take a few seconds to reboot in the face of an over saturation of cute, before his face reddened slowly and his chubby face folded in outrage.

"Oi, stop fucking calling me that, you shitty moron! My name's Masami-use it. Fucking weirdo!" He was actually shaking his fist at me with complete seriousness, and I had to clamp down on a twitch of my own as I screamed in my own head at how endearing the kid was.

"You want me to call you by your given name? Ah, that must mean we're friends now, Masami-chan! You should call me Sona in return then, I insist!" I beamed, clasping my hands together in front of me.

At this point I wasn't sure if I was screwing with the kid or genuinely trying to make friends with him. I kind of just wanted to keep him.

"I don't care what the fuck your name is, shithead, you better not get in my way again!" He gestured grandly to himself, "I've got important things to be getting on with, and I don't have time to talk to silly brats like you."

I pursed my lips and scanned him top to toe, before raising my brows with a quirk of my lips and innocently enquiring, "Ah, are you playing a game, Masami-chan? May I join you?"

He frowned irritably and visibly bristled, before opening his mouth and declaring loudly, "I'm not playing, moron! Anyone with eyes and a brain could see I'm following the inscrutable exhortations of my soul!"

I almost whistled, admiring the use of such big words from so young a kid, "by doing what?"

He gathered himself, smug pride at his own ideas written all over his face, "I'm looking for worms to mix into the noodles tonight. Kaa-san will never see it coming."

Somehow I got the feeling that Masami was an unrepentant little asshole.

It was still better than the playing ninja that I had expected him to say, and so when he smeared the dirt further into his clothes in an attempt to brush himself down, and turned semi-reluctantly to me, "Well? You can tag along if you can keep up, brat. You're a girl so I don't know what fucking use you'll be - girls are a bit like slugs; they probably serve _some_ purpose but it's hard to imagine what." I simply gave a care free little smile and followed him.

We spent until the sun began to go down crawling in dirt and digging up worms by a river, and although I slyly ensured that all worms escaped from Masami's pockets since I didn't they deserved to be boiled alive for a gross prank, it was still enjoyable.

It reminded me so strongly of my own childhood that at times I was choking back the nostalgia, but anytime I felt I was on the verge of actually tearing up, Masami usually had something to say which was either outrageous or surprising enough that I found myself throughly distracted by him.

He just had such a huge personality that I wasn't sure how he could have possibly developed it in so few years, and the kid was smart. Insanely smart. But completely and utterly uninterested in applying his smarts in conventional ways.

By the time the sun was going down and Masami was finished ranting at the sky about existentialism and injustices once he realised the worms were all gone, he critically eyed my now crumpled and filthy wet (from where he'd pushed me into a stream) clothing - still not as in dire condition as his outfit - the scraped on my legs and arms and the stains on my skin and nodded once in approval, "if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. Okay," he sighed, "you're allowed to be part of my super exclusive club.

"But! Don't get any shitty ideas about who runs things around here alright, brat? I'm club Captain. You're just first mate, and you're on probation too."

"Thank you for inviting me to joint you, Masami-chan. I had a lot of fun today. Ah, your hair is flopping into your face, here," I unclipped my heart shaped hair clip and in a repeat of last time yanked him down by the collar to clip his fringe back.

It looked vaguely ridiculous but then pretty much everything about Masami was ridiculous.

"Are you going to show up again tomorrow?" He asked, studiously not looking at me as he went red at the ears while fiddling with the hair clip.

"Mmhm! I'm free after lunch for the next week."

"There's club meetings you could turn up to. O-or don't. It's not like I fucking care what you do, loser!" He snapped, before storming off without another word.

* * *

"Ah, Masami-chan, what do you plan to do for the rest of the day?"

"Hurry the fuck up, shitty brat, and stop asking questions. I found some water trickling through dirt earlier, so I'd say our afternoon is booked solid!"

* * *

"Come on, brat, Kaa-san said I had to help out a coworker of hers today to help me build character."

"But the buildings are in the other direction, Masam-chan?"

"Yeah well, every time I've built character I've regretted it, so what does that bitch know? Besides, a day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."

"That's true."

* * *

"Why are you carrying around worksheets and school books, Masami-chan?"

"Kaa-san insisted I take my homework with me if I wasn't going to stay inside to do it, since my grades are so shit."

"I can help you if you want. I haven't started school but I get private tutoring."

"Fuck no! I'm not letting you ruin months of careful analysis and planning. I've worked hard to keep my grades shitty but not so shitty that they'd talk to Kaa-san about extra tutoring."

"You're doing your homework poorly on purpose? Why?"

"If you do a shit enough job, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."

* * *

"Your plan didn't go so well, then?"

"Shut the fuck up, Sona-brat... I got double homework."

"Ah, should you be out here with me?"

"No, but the way I look at it, playing in the dirt is a lot more important. Out here I'm learning real fucking skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life."

"Like what, Masami-chan?"

"Procrastination and rationalisation."

* * *

"Did you run into trouble, Masami-chan? You're a bit late."

"Kaa-san gave me a fucking lecture on self-determination and personal responsibility. She said that if I keep throwing my expensive education down the drain I'll end up living in the red light district whoring my body for drugs."

"That seems a little harsh."

"Yeah she went into a lot of detail. It was kinda scary actually, worrying all of a sudden about my future like that. I think it's true what they say, Sona-brat, ignorance is bliss. Once you know things fucking worries pop up everywhere. The secret to happiness is wilful stupidity; you don't know any better so you can keep doing whatever the fuck you like."

"Ah, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Masami-chan. It hasn't worked so far with your homework load."

"Pah, what would you fucking know, Sona-brat?"

* * *

"I got a parent-teacher meeting set up. I might as well fucking run away now. Shit."

"Surely this proves your theory from yesterday doesn't work so well, Masami-chan?

"No no no, careful, Sona-brat. We don't want to learn anything from this."

* * *

"So Kaa-san would like to have you over for dinner. If you're free tonight. Not like I give a shit."

"Thank you for inviting me, Masami-chan! I'm free tonight for dinner."

"Don't thank me, it wasn't my idea! If it was up to me you'd never meet that demon."

"I look forward to it. I should probably go home and get ready now, since my clothes are dirty."

"Fine, but just you fucking wait, life becomes that much more uncool with Kaa-san in it."

* * *

Masami always wore expensive clothes, and always got them filthy and fairly torn. Despite that, whoever dressed him clearly had no compunction about going out and buying him more expensive clothes. Keeping in mind that sort of easily preventable frivolous spending, I dressed nicely for dinner. Considering Igarashi Sona also belonged to a wealthy clan (heck the Hatake clan _was_ wealthy, we just lived well below our means), this meant equally as expensive clothes as Masami.

I followed his instructions and made my way to his home, entering a wealthy civilian district and keeping an eye out on the landmarks he had told me about. It was only when I got close that I saw the clan mark outside a compound directly where I was supposed to go.

In particular, it was a clan mark that I recognised. I hesitantly approached the gates, not putting it past Masami to trick me, only to spot Fukuda Norita herself waiting off to the side.

"Good evening, Fukuda-san," I called with a tentative smile and a nod of my head.

She inclined her head at me in return, her face warming a fraction despite the lack of anything resembling a smile.

"Good evening, Igarashi-chan. Come, my home is this way."

"Ah, Fukuda-san? I was told to come here by..."

"Masami, my son, I know. As you know, my husband is often away on business so you'll have to excuse his absence, but I thought it prudent to invite you over to my home before he returns. As my apprentice you'll eventually come here regularly anyway due to much of the business being taken care of at home. You're also now familiar with Masami and as long as that familiarity continues, alongside your apprenticeship with me, you might as well be considered a part of the family."

Did Fukuda tell Masami to befriend me? Without shinobi training a six year old child would be incredibly hard pressed to trick me. His every reaction to me had seemed authentic. Unless he was very practiced and very carefully coached there was no way he could have tricked me into befriending him on behalf of his mother and his family - especially since he appealed to 23 year old me, and I couldn't imagine many young children who would be able to voluntarily put up with Masami for long.

But... it was a bit fucking convenient that the one person remotely close to my physical age that I had been spending time around just happened to be Fukuda's son. I wouldn't put it past her to arrange my day to end around the time her son tended to be around the tea room and shop. I wasn't pleased at being so effortlessly manipulated by her if that was the case.

Sure, Masami's general... Masami-ness meant that I wasn't pissed off because I was genuinely pleased to know him, but the fact that she had manipulated me while I had no idea that a manipulation was even taking place bothered me.

I had never guessed that he was her son because he was just nothing like her. In fact, now that I was thinking about it, Masami had been careful to conceal his clan mark from me by damaging or heavily dirtying his clothes before we met up. If I had to guess from how unenthusiastic he was about his family, it would be that he had intentionally distanced himself from his family name so as not to be associated with it.

I guessed that was one way of avoiding sycophants.

We took our shoes off as we entered Fukuda's large home, and it was easy to tell that this was a woman who knew her shit when it came to interior decorating, despite the fact that I knew little about it myself. The place was refined and elegant, simplistic but artistic. It was definitely not a space designed with a rowdy child in mind.

"I was very pleased to hear that you befriended Masami, his lack of any long term friends so far has been such a disappointment to his father and I. I also can't tell you how appreciative I am that you indulge in the odd activities he claims as recreational," she continued on in the impassive, informative tone she used to instruct me during the day. Like this was just another responsibility that she performed.

"I've been happy to leave him to his strange whims so far, but he's the heir of our family and there's a certain standard he seems committed not to achieve," we reached the dining room and she slid the door open, which revealed Masami -looking grumpy and miserable in his stiff expensive clothes -sat at the table, for once without dirt or dust anywhere on his person. He looked up with a sullen twist of his lips and his cheeks darkened a cherry red when Fukuda continued to talk while she led me to the table.

"Other appropriate children his age just don't seem to want to spend time with him unless prearranged by their parents and I. They've been taught better than to roll around in the dirt, but Masami is determined to be contrary despite my best efforts. I know how he can be, and I know a sweet, polite girl like you can hardly change his mind just yet so it's kind of you to go along with his games. Kami knows nobody else has the patience for it."

We sat at the table, my chest twisting tighter and tighter in discomfort and anger the longer I listened to Fukuda bad mouth her own kid. Especially one like Masami, who was honestly one the simultaneously coolest and least cool children I'd ever met. It had only been a week but I knew that much more and I'd pretty much adore the precocious little shit. He was completely wasted on a propriety and society driven woman like Fukuda.

It especially upset me to hear this all said right in front of Masami, as he ducked further into his chair looking increasingly humiliated. As someone who had been routinely humiliated by my dad over the dinner table each night due to my small appetite and slow eating, the sight brought feelings of nausea and panic in my stomach. It left me desperate to shut Fukuda up make Masami feel better.

Years of memories of dreading the approach of dinner time, knowing how ruthlessly bullied and mocked I was about to be, knowing that the audience to my humiliation made the experience ten times worse and knowing that I could count on one hand with fingers left over on the amount of times someone had intervened in any way... I couldn't just sit there. Not even as placid agreeable little Sona.

"Ah, Fukuda-san I do enjoy the time I spend with Masami. He's not like anyone I've met before in Konoha and I never know what he'll say next. It's a refreshing experience, honestly- I've never met someone so verbally creative as Masami-chan. I don't have any friends my age either - my family tends to prioritise adult company, so I appreciate that Masami has firm ideas on what he wants to spend his time doing or else I would be lost in his company."

Fukuda assessed me with a calculating start for long seconds, and I could see the tips of Masami's ears redden even further alongside the back of his neck. His head was still ducked, but I could see him badly hiding a bashful smile. Finally the corner of Fukuda's stern mouth twitched briefly in what was her version of a smile.

"Good, I'm glad you get along so well. I do worry about him. It's a relief to see him have normal human company."

Heh 'normal'.

It took a little while for Masami to warm up into his usual verbose self, and although he was only slightly more restrained in his Masami-ness than when it was just him and I together, there remained an odd tension between him and Fukuda - surprisingly to me, it was more on Fukuda's part than Masami's.

And then the food was served. I was dismayed on behalf of Masami when I saw that the food was cooked for an adult's palate with far too many complex and rich flavours. I could handle it due to my Hatake genetics but a normal child would take no enjoyment out of the meal.

True to my prediction, he made a revolted face and spent the next ten minutes shoving the food from side to side across his plate like it might come alive at any second and try to kill him.

Fukuda took no notice of him initially, and each time she went to turn her attention toward Masami, I did my best to redirect her attention back to me.

However, after ten minutes when he had perhaps picked his way through three mouthfuls and had retreated to some sort of daydream that clearly heavily used his food as a prop, Fukuda began to get cross.

It started as suggestions which got sterner within minutes. He whined, she stood firm. He grumbled, she snapped.

Finally she placed her hands flat on the table with a frigidly warning expression on her face and her shark-black eyes honing in on him, "Masami, be quiet and eat your food!"

If that had been me as a kid, I would have sunk into my seat and painfully forced the meal down my throat - probably as I cried pitifully and gagged a few times. Masami was made of stronger stuff. His face boiled red in indignation and his chubby face screwed up in disgust.

"Somewhere in Kirigakure I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but brutality and oppression. But maybe he's heard of Konoha, and he dreams of living in this village of freedom and peace! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!"

While her focus was directed away from me I allowed my expression to crease with the urge to laugh, and covered my mouth to barely hide the delighted smirk on my face while my shoulders shook. Masami, unlike Fukuda, spotted me and was exponentially encouraged in his behaviour.

By the end of the evening Fukuda's perfectly styled hair had loose limp strands hanging down her face, Masami's clothes (with the exception of underwear) were no longer adorning his body, and half his food was stuck to the ceiling. Neither Fukuda nor I could figure out where the other half ended up and if Masami knew he certainly wasn't telling.

Fukuda left it to Masami to lead me back to the gates, having left the room enraged and on the edge of murder. I had gotten the sense that the evening was just as much a test of my friendship as it was of Fukuda's sanity, and as we walked toward the exit of his clan compound he seemed warmer and more friendly to me than he had been before.

"So I doubt Kaa-san will let me leave the house to go on adventures with you in the next week or two, because she's a heinous bitch who thrives on my subjugation" he cheerfully stated, swinging his arms in a carefree manner while he walked.

"Ah, that's alright Masami-chan. I'll be here when you're allowed out again."

He brightened, "great," and then faltered, pinking at cheeks, "n-not like I care or anything, it's not like we're best fucking friends, brat."

"I don't mind being your best friend if you want," I beamed, watching surreptitiously through my lashes as he twitched at the adorableness, "here! A token of my friendship."

Grasping his wrist, I clipped one of my larger bracelets around his wrist. It was a ring of metal birds in flight, decorated with red and green stones. He stared down at the bracelet, twisting it back and forth, before glancing up at me with wide eyes that did nothing to disguise how deeply pleased he was.

"I'll see you soon, Masami-chan," I waved to him, and then turned to leave. He didn't say anything in reply, but when the pathway turned he was still staring after me, gripping his wrist.

* * *

 _So Masami's personality_ _is heavily based upon a far more foul mouthed Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, to the point that I'm going to be quoting it as much as possible. The reason? No reason, I just want to. I've known the brat would a part of this story for months, and I also know quite well where Masami's story is going._

 _I know OCs aren't always enjoyed by readers but I'm hoping that by basing mine on an already existing character I won't fall flat with the character development like a lot OCs get. Fukuda and Masami (and maybe the dad? I'm not sure yet) will likely be the only OCs that last a significant percentage of the story._


	41. Chapter 41

**Hey everyone! I'm looking to change my story summary (unless you all tell me you like the current one best) into something that is a little more true to the story, but mostly more interesting to people who don't know anything about it.**

 **However, I've been writing this for over eight months now (what! !) and I feel like I don't have enough of an objective perspective to write a summary that would be good for someone coming in fresh to the story.**

 **The website says it allows 384 characters in a summary. For those who don't know, a character is a any letter, number, symbol, punctuation mark, or even a space. If you guys would help me out and send me what your version of a summary that suits this story I would be so so grateful.**

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 **I might not pick one whole summary, but use a mishmash of them. However any summary I use, or draw inspiration from, I will mention the username of the creator and give credit to them** **in the top of the first chapter posted after the summary is changed.**

 **Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and getting attached to my weird characters!**

 **X**

 **~Lazy**

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This turned out longer than I thought it was going to be. There are sections I wrote that are bit rushed but I couldn't pace myself in my eagerness to finish this chapter and move onto the next bit.

You guys have no idea how pleased I was to have feedback for Masami. I love his character in my head and I really wanted to do what was in my head justice. I'm seriously so attached to him to the point where I got broody and started looking up adoption requirements even though theres no way I would qualify.

Finally Lee is introduced, even if only their first meeting. Also I don't think the chemistry between Sonaru and Lee is as good as Masami and Sonaru, but with Lee there's more time to build a relationship since readers already want it and are a little emotionally invested in it happening, but that's not the case with OCs.

I will probably get the next chapter out within three days, but no promises.

As always English spoken is underlined and also as always I've not edited this so sorry for mistakes.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 41 - The Last Witness Before The Wave Hits**

I spent most of the weeks in which DFB, Genma and Tenzō were all out on missions incredibly bored. I messed around with and tweaked exploding tags in my spare time initially, achieving a large range of different kinds, but eventually I wanted to move on to other things or at least put them into practice during trap making and spars.

The issue was I'd promised that when I made the jump from explosive tags to elsewhere, I would do so in DFB's vicinity to ensure I didn't accidentally kill myself. Additionally, until I was past beginners level, new seals were only tested with Tenzō or DFB having checked them first. With none of these options currently available to me I had to find other things to do.

Gai spared a fair amount of time for me, which I was grateful for, but I still couldn't remotely keep up with him and the whole point of his personal exercise regime was to push himself past his limits everyday. I had to busy myself elsewhere during this time so that he could focus. Additionally he was committed to being the best Sensei he could be to his Genin-to-be which required a surprising amount of prep work and research on his part.

There was always the option of spending more time with Fukuda, but I didn't want to give her the expectation that whenever I was otherwise unoccupied she could pressure or persuade me to be with her. She was like one of those annoying school teachers who believed their subject was more important than any other subject and acted offended when you didn't show an inclination to believe the same.

I went back to wandering the streets as Sona and spent a significant amount of time with Tora, however eventually out of sheer desperation I stayed at home and practiced with the one thing I had pretty much avoided doing so far; my dōjutsu.

So far any attempts at putting my Ketsuryūgan to use had resulted in incremental improvements and absolutely nothing to write home about. I just couldn't figure it out, there was something I was missing. If I actually had a living Chinoike relative they might have been able to give me a hint at where exactly I was going wrong, but as far as anyone DFB was in contact with knew, the Chinoike clan was long dead and whoever had contributed to half my DNA wasn't making enough waves to find her. That was if she wasn't also dead.

Beyond my poison immunity and my connection to my own blood when it was within a certain range, still in liquid form and less than a day old, I had barely made any new discoveries. The only other thing I had found I could do was an ability to sense in great detail my blood flow while it was still inside my body, but only when I focussed.

With practice I had increased the range I could stay connected to my own blood to eight and a half metres, and for just over twenty hours with only one drop of blood - which was still relatively useful in mapping out areas if I could get my blood mobile by flushing it down a sink, or hiding some on a person - especially because the more blood the further the distance I could remain connected. I figured since I had too much time on my hands I should see what else I could squeeze out of my pitiful dōjutsu.

The answer: not much.

Despite my best efforts and repeated practice, I only managed to increase the range by a centimetre, and for thirty extra seconds. I could only hope that this barrier was due to my physical age and that easy use of the dōjutsu somehow unlocked itself after a certain amount of time, because otherwise I was never going to have the fucking thing battle ready.

Although maybe I was being a bit unfair on myself. After all, I'd only had it for a year and I didn't remember Uchiha Sasuke becoming a sharigan master after a year even with his unfair boost from Orchimaru's seal.

With hours of practice piling up quickly I finally had a mini breakthrough, albeit completely accidentally. Rather than trying to push or pull or coax or force anything, in a moment of relaxation in trying to calm my building annoyance, I released the strain and effort.

A tingling built up in my face, where I was focussing my relaxation efforts. I breathed deep and imagined sending the loosening of my muscles and zen feelings to my head. I realised after a few seconds that I could feel a rather large amount of blood rush to the surface of my skin. My cheeks and forehead burned hot when I placed my hands to them and when I checked my reflection I caught the bright lobster redness of my face.

It was only a minor thing. Barely a breakthrough at all. But it was still pretty awesome. I could make myself blush at will, and similarly when I tried it, I could restrain myself from flushing.

Although it had next to no application in combat, the ability to blush or not on command would greatly increase my lying abilities and additionally I was sure that the control of where my blood flowed internally would probably havesome application toward weathering cold climates better. It wasn't much but I figured I'd end on a small high for now and remained determined to be satisfied with the small amount of progress in order to prevent demoralising doubts.

DFB and Genma were predicted to return the next day anyway so an end to my boredom was in sight. I probably needed more friends though.

* * *

I was awoken in the early hours of the morning by the sound of DFB coming home. I could tell by the sound of his gait and his movements that he was only tired, not injured. There were no further sounds from him but that didn't really tell me much, since DFB was perfectly capable of moving without making a peep even to my advanced hearing. The only reason he'd made any noise when he'd entered was because this was a safe space he could relax in and it was to let me know the person coming in was him, not a stranger.

A few minutes later I heard the shower turn on and only ten minutes after that the bedroom door opened. Even in the dark, the sound of DFB's movements radiated nonchalance as he dressed for bed and climbed in.

At this point I could probably successfully convince DFB I was sleeping when I wasn't, but there was no point to that deception. Besides, everything from the fact that he'd come home long before I would have naturally woken, to his unhesitant movements around me, to the fact that he'd had a shower and intended to sleep told me that nothing straining had occurred and he didn't need space in order to compartmentalise the mission before he could settle back into safe Konoha life without being on a hair trigger.

"Welcome back," I softly spoke through the darkness.

He sighed, a deep unwinding sound, a hand curled around my torso and pulled me closer and the other one curled through my spiky hair to scritch at my scalp.

"Maa such a boring mission," a childish whine gently escaped, "I hope you had a more interesting time than I did."

I appreciated the knowledge that no one got hurt. "I made a friend. He's a kid. If you two ever met I think you'd like him."

"Hm? Why's that?" His voice became lethargic and I yawned as I felt him begin to sink into the mattress more.

"He's a shit," my words were muffled by my tiredness.

DFB made a vague acknowledging noise in the back of his throat and before the conversation could go any further I felt myself fall back into unconsciousness.

When I woke up the next morning DFB was still asleep, an event that didn't happen all that often, and so I was careful not to wake him as I got ready that morning. I knew half of the reason he didn't wake had nothing to do with my sneaking skills and more to do with the fact that DFB was subconsciously aware of me but familiar enough with the sound and smell of me that I didn't register as something he should wake up for.

Gai was waiting for me in our usual training ground to go through our morning exercise regime/spar. I expected DFB to join at some point before we finished at midday but he was a no show. Somewhat disappointed, but figuring he must have been really exhausted, I made my way home to check in on him only to find once I arrived that he was already up and dressed.

He barely looked up when I arrived, bent over the table and making rapid notes as he cross referenced multiple scrolls and his pre existing notes on the seal he was creating.

"DFB?" I tentatively asked, unsure what exactly I was even asking.

He pulled his eyes away from his work for long enough to address me, "Sorry Su-chan, I know we usually spend time together when I get back from a mission but I was lucky enough to be able to work on the seal during this one, and I ran across what I think I needed to tie it all together. If I get this right the seal will be ready by tomorrow when Tenzō and Genma return. Do you mind finding something to occupy yourself with elsewhere? I need to concentrate on this without distraction."

"I thought Genma was with you?"

"He was, he stayed behind an extra day to sort some last things out. That's alright with you, though?"

The thing was, I was actually really disappointed. I had missed DFB like crazy and he'd never been away for so long before, especially with almost everyone away as well. But this seal was also really important, and although I'd shoved it as far into the back of my mind as I could, there was a part of me that was always acutely aware of the year and how close it was slowly drawing to when things started to really go to shit. The weight of this one last secret, for all that it barely counted as a secret anymore, was a serious fucking burden and I wanted it to be finally gone.

I knew if I showed any indication of my disappointment DFB would set aside what he was doing and wait until I was busy to work on the seal, because he spoiled me and I was well aware of that fact.

I had had plenty of practice lying to him by this point, though, and with the addition of my blush and heart rate control, there was little that would give me away in an environment I was so familiar with lying in.

"I should probably spend some time doing something other than lying around inside practicing explosive tags, reading history books, getting nowhere with my dōjutsu and pretending I'm Spider-man on the walls, anyway."

He gave a brief snort, not seeing through my fib, and went back to scribbling quick notes in various pieces of paper around him.

"Alright. Feel free to come back at around five," he a shot a brief eye smile at me before his work caught his full attention once more.

It wasn't until I was walking away from the building that I let a despondent sigh escape me. I had nothing to do at all, since I'd really been relying on Genma or DFB to be free today to distract me.

With nothing better to do I took to wandering without direction. I only half paid attention as I aimlessly meandered, mostly caught up in daydreams. It was because of this that I accidentally ended up in one of the few places in Konoha that I had intentionally avoided until now: the Academy.

I hadn't particularly wanted to meet any of the kids who were probably going to be so important in the future while they were still unskilled, ignorant and childish students. I didn't want to expose myself to the temptation of interfering and 'improving'. I didn't want to be let down by reality since I wasn't in denial that I had high expectations.

But here I was, staring into the academy training ground which was honestly built more like a playground for kiddie shinobi-in-training. Here I was staring at a lone kid punching a log over and over again with an unimpressive stance and unimpressive strength.

Even from where I stood I could see blood dotting through the bandages wrapping his arms and hands. When he turned around to take a drink and wipe the dripping sweat out of his eyes my breath caught in my throat and I froze.

There was no shiny bowl cut, or orange leg warmers and green all in one suit. But the thick-lashed wide round eyes and the eyebrows that could give Gai a run for his money were unmissable.

He was a sweet looking kid, actually, if kind of unusual. I was caught between backing away and introducing myself, but ultimately decided to retreat. I wasn't sure if the class had done their exams yet and I didn't want to accidentally influence his results.

Just as I had made my mind to turn around and leave, I was spotted.

"Hello!" He called to me, with just... way too much enthusiasm, "Do you need something?"

He made his way toward me at a jog, during which I initially spent trying to come up with something to say that would stop him from doing so and then spent resigned to the fact that despite my intentions I was going to meet Rock Lee before he was Gai's student.

"Hello small child, my name is Rock Lee!"

After just a beat too long I replied, "Subaru. My name, I mean."

He sat back on his feet with his hand on the dirt to balance himself, and eyes far too wide and sparkly looking. He didn't even seem to notice my reticence toward my last name.

"I noticed you were watching me. Do you want to be a shinobi too, one day?" He asked, with a wide proud grin.

I smiled briefly, hidden underneath my mask, "you're not a shinobi yet, Rock-kun."

He laughed sheepishly, "no I guess you're right, Subaru-kun. But I will be soon! My Genin exams are in two weeks and then I'll be a shinobi of Konoha, taking missions and doing amazing things!"

His eyes seemed to shine in excitement and awe as he spoke, and had he been someone else I might have been inclined to correct his perception of what it was to be a shinobi. But this was Rock Lee, and even before I met him I had had faith that he would turn himself into someone who did amazing things in the face of impossibility.

"I'm sure you'll be great, Rock-kun," I told him sincerely. Maybe it was my knowing and calm tone, probably at odds to what those words would sound like coming out of any other child's mouth my physical age, but he seemed to fold in on himself all of a sudden.

"Oh... I don't know about that. I'm not very good yet, and I can't do things that my other classmates can do. My teachers say..."

Right, Lee's chakra was fucked up or something. I figured I wasn't the right person the instil belief in him since Gai was on his way into the boy's life and that was practically Gai's speciality, but I could give it a go.

"Who's your idol, Rock-kun?" I interrupted the boy.

"M-my idol," he asked confused, "I don't think I have one. And you can call me Lee, just Lee, everyone does."

"Okay, Lee. Do you have a rival?"

He looked even more confused, now, "a...rival? N-no I don't think so."

"Nobody amongst your peers who competes with you and spars with you. Nobody who you aim to outdo or tries to outdo you?" I clarified, "someone who you use to inspire you to do better, work harder, aim higher, so that you can beat them."

"I..." I could see him wracking his brains, and I knew that perhaps if I had worded it differently he might have picked Neji, or someone else who was in the top of his class, "no. Everyone's better than me, they don't need to compete."

He sounded miserable. A despondent Lee, I quickly learned, was an uncomfortably heartbreaking sight. He honestly seemed like a kid who belonged frolicking with puppies and in a field of flowers.

But I wasn't a saint. I had my own agenda here, and the truth was that I had been quietly worried and... jealous. Gai was getting three new students. Fine. Gai was getting a protégé. Okay that was a little jealousy inspiring but I could deal. Gai was getting a protégé who he was going to look at like the son he never had? Cue fears of abandonment.

Gai and Lee, I knew, were going to have this amazing incredibly close bond to the point where Lee was going to be a mini Gai, and Gai was going to love Lee like the kid he never had. Additionally, Lee was an actual child, unlike me.

He was already going to have to cut back time with me to teach his students and I was scared that he was going to see the potential I knew was there in Lee and give him extra time and attention and care by pulling back some of what he gave me, without even realising that was what he was doing. The idea of trying to prevent Gai from giving Lee his all due to feelings of insecurity and possessiveness and jealousy didn't sit right with me.

So I was inserting myself into the duo before the duo even existed.

Petty of me? Maybe. But it wasn't like I was intending to be a drain. I believed in Lee, too, and I wanted to see him flourish. I loved Gai and I wanted to see him connect with and love Lee like I knew he could. But that was the point. I wanted to be there to _see_ it. I wanted to be part of it. I just... didn't want to be excluded.

"I'll be your rival, then, Lee," I proposed to him with a challenging smile.

"Huh?!" He reacted as though someone had given him an electric shock, "you want to be my rival?! But... but you're a little kid," He finished hesitantly.

"I'm a little kid who can kick your ass," I nonchalantly replied, "and not just because you think you're bad at everything shinobi related, or whatever it is. I can beat you because I get private tutoring well above the academy standard."

He still looked far from sold at the idea, and I released a frustrated puff of breath, "look, Lee, I'm going to try to beat you after I've finished talking and I'm not going to stop until you've either been ground into the dirt or you've beaten me in return. If I win, which I will because right now I'm better than you at fighting, I expect you to give everything to being capable of winning against me next time we see each other. That is what being a rival is all about-"

"I don't want to hurt you, Subaru-kun. I've been training to be a shinobi for years now and you're small and young. This isn't a good idea," he frowned, worried..

"You're worried about hitting me."

"Yes," he nodded, looking relieved that I finally understood why he was reluctant.

I shrugged, "if you hurt me that badly I'll just train harder so I can kick your ass next time."

"It seems like you're not really giving me a choice," he muttered weakly.

I didn't reply with words, I just swung a fist at him.

Honestly whoever had been teaching Lee clearly had had absolutely no faith in him passing his exams, because they'd put zero effort into his taijustsu forms - which, being the one thing he could do, should have been the thing his Sensei focussed on.

Realistically I could have laid Lee out with one chakra enhanced punch, but that wasn't the point of this. Any semi-decent Genin could have laid Lee out with one punch. I had no doubted that Lee had never sparred against any of his classmates properly and been able to improve from them because that was exactly what had been happening.

I wasn't here to confirm to Lee just how little skill he currently had, I was here to fire him up and make him see me as someone who would _fight_ him.

I toned myself right down, which was a hell of lot harder than it looked considering that was never something I'd had to try to do before in a fight considering who my partners usually were. If it had been anyone more observant than Lee they'd have been able to tell what I was doing in an instant and I realised that maybe practicing with people a little closer to my skill level might actually teach me something ie. how not to fight to kill or severely damage every single time.

It was a good thing I wasn't intending to convince Lee I was at his level because there was no way I'd have managed. I only just managed to give him a fight that lasted a little under four minutes.

Eventually I knocked Lee to the ground with a kick that caught him off guard, and he went down fast. His lip was split, but not badly and having had to allow some of his hits to connect, I was sure I'd have a stunning bruise underneath my eye. He lay there, dusty and sweaty and trembling from exertion, staring up in shock at the sky.

I wasn't sure if he was more surprised that a toddler had beaten him, or that he'd partaken in a spar that had lasted long enough for him to fight back.

I approached him until my shadow covered his face, and his wide eyes flicked over to me, looking unsure and a little wary of whatever was about to happen.

I held my hand out to him, and after a pause in which he stared at it almost disbelievingly, he took it allowing me to pull him up from the ground enough that he could find his feet.

"Not too bad. Next time I'm sure you'll be that much closer to besting me. Not that you will," I commented.

"I was close at times!" I protested.

"Close isn't good enough," I eye smiled infuriatingly, "work harder. It's embarrassing for my rival to beaten all the time."

He stared at me again for a long moment, this time with incredulity, "how old are you?"

"Twenty three," I continued my infuriating eye smile.

"T-twenty three! But you can't be!" He spluttered.

"Appearances can be deceiving, Lee. I expect you to call me Subaru-senpai since I'm older than you," I told him without a flicker of deception crossing my expression as I messed with him.

"I-w-what?"

"Well? I'm waiting," with barely a shift of my muscles and the lightest touch of Killing Intent I did a Hatake special and became suddenly ominously threatening without seeming to have done anything, still eye smiling.

"Hai, S-Subaru-senpai."

"Good. I'll see you soon, Lee, I look forward to knocking you into the dust again."

"W-wait, you'll spar with me again?" He asked, sounding simultaneously hopeful and dismayed.

"Of course, we're rivals now. I'll fight you whenever you want."

"O-oh..." there was a pause, and then all of a sudden his face morphed into a sort of happy overwhelmed sad combination, and his eyes watered, "I see. I-I look forward to it, Subaru-senpai." Holy shit he was actually calling me that.

"Excellent."

"And next time, I'll definitely win!" Almost alarmingly quickly, his expression went from emotional to fiery, with a bright grin on his face.

"Hm, no you won't, but good luck trying," I simply replied, getting out a book on seals and sticking my nose into it as I walked away before he started actually crying.

"Yosh!" He cried after me, as I smiled with pleased triumph underneath my mask.

* * *

By the time I made it back home I was just past the time DFB had suggested to me, and frankly the place looked like it had been hit with a bomb filled with paper. I paused in the doorway, taking it all in, until my eyes stopped on a wearily smug looking DFB sitting in the middle of all the chaos with a single piece of paper in hand.

He lifted his gaze to me and limply waved the fuuinjutsu covered page, "I finally completed my first original seal."

"Congratulations. I'm not tidying this up." And then I swallowed heavily as I realised what exactly that meant.

His keen eyes spotted my sudden nerves and he visibly softened, "we can wait until tomorrow when Genma and Tenzō are back if you want, Subaru. That will make everything easier for me in applying the seal as well."

I nodded once, suddenly filled with trepidation despite my earlier eagerness to finally spill the truth. But whether I wanted to or not, I had committed to sharing what I knew, and I wasn't backing out now.

The next afternoon seemed to come at a glacial pace, and yet all too quickly by the time all four Jōnin were sat in our living room with privacy seals up to max. All of them carried serious faces, aware that I had something life changing to tell them and that they physically wouldn't be able to tell a soul afterward.

"Before anything else I want to explain how the seal works Gai, Subaru and Genma," DFB began, "so that you know what you're agreeing to. Once this seal goes on, there's no coming off. Tenzō and I worked for months on unwinding and figuring out the complexities of the seal he and I have on our tongues in order to both remove them and prevent this new one from being removed through the same methods.

"The person who placed the seal on our tongues was by no means an expert at seals, and although neither are we, we know a lot more than him on the matter. Anyone attempting to undo the seal like we're about to for ours will only get so far and then it will automatically kill you by destroying your brain so that no one can extract the information somehow after your death.

"Once the seal goes on, you won't be able to share what Su-chan will tell you even if you're being tortured for it. A Yamanka won't be able to find it in your mind if they tried. You won't be able to imply, write down, or give away in any manner what has been said. The way the seal enforces this will not be painful, but there is an element of mind control in that it will monitor and alter subconscious wording and choices that give things away. You'll simply find yourself unable to."

"The only way that this is reversed is if at least one other person with the same seal gives the permission, alongside an individual password. Subaru will be the only exception to this, in that the information probably has too much influence on who she is and how she acts every day, so her seal will be the Master seal.

"If someone gives permission to say or do something, Subaru can deny and override them. Subaru may act as she wishes and imply knowledge, but if she wants to explicitly share what she knows, she'll have to gain permission from one other like anyone else. If we die, the seal destroys our brains before fading. Once she has shared with us this afternoon, the seal will go on, and tomorrow evening after we've thought about it we can discuss plans."

There was a ringing silence after he spoke, during which everyone nodded their agreement. He turned to me, his face intense and serious, "Okay then, tell us what you know Su-chan."

I took a deep, shaky breath, my heart fluttering nervously and my palms clammy, before I let it out in a whoosh and began to speak.

"So you guys know by now that this is my second go at life after I died in my last one, and that in my last one I lived on a different world... in a different universe or dimension or whichever one is the correct term."

"...no?" Genma's eyes were wide and his mouth was half open.

"Oh... I didn't tell you?" I meekly asked.

"No! I had no idea," he spluttered, "I knew there was something up... but you never told me what exactly. Wait, you guys all knew? I was the only one?!"

Tenzō nodded, and I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion, "Hang on, who told you, Tenzō-oji?"

"You did," he casually replied.

"I...did? Oh... I remember doing that, now," I sheepishly admitted as I recalled the blasé way I'd accidentally let it slip moments before I'd left Tenzō behind in a training field without even realising what I'd done, before shaking my head, "not that it matters. We all know now."

"Wait so how old are you?" Genma interrupted.

"Twenty three including the years I've been here."

"What the fuck," he exclaimed in wonder, looking up as though Kami could explain to him just what was going on.

"Careful what you say next, Genma," DFB warned quietly, a threateningly unbothered eye smile on his face.

Genma paused and looked at DFB, then at me, and then back to DFB, "Of course this happened to you, Kakashi, you bastard. Of _course_ you get a fully matured, functioning human being to give you an easy ride as a parent, who you can train as hard as you like and not mess them up for life. Fucking Hatakes."

"Thank you, I think I deserve this kind of good fortune, too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one," he lightly agreed, before his eye opened and he glared, "now stop interrupting."

Genma raised his hands up in capitulation and smirked at me, "fine, sorry. Carry on, Mini Bastard."

I rolled my eyes, thankful that I could control my blush now, "Alright long story short, there was a cartoon in my old world that was all about the Elemental Nations. It told a story of how a bunch of shinobi saved the world. So far from what I've seen, this Elemental Nations is the same Elemental Nations as depicted with only minor and unimportant differences. With the exception of one glaring and important difference.

"Not to toot my own horn or anything but that's me. Hatake Subaru didn't exist in the cartoon, and since I'm not inclined to just hope and pray that the events depicted work themselves out without me doing anything, or with only me knowing that there's something that can be done, I'm here to tell you what I know. Or what I think I know."

"...that's really weird. And random."

"You only need a few centimetres of tongue left to place the seal, Genma."

"Right, I'm just going to sit all the way over there away from the Bastard, in case he tries to kill me."

"Carry on, Beautiful Blossom!"

"Thanks Gai... Okay so first things first you should probably know that the show was named after the protagonist, pretty much the most important character in the show, and thus arguably the most important person in the Elemental Nations right now: Naruto."

"...Shit," Kakashi went pale, and I smiled grimly at him.

"It gets worse. Much worse."

* * *

We were all exhausted by the end of the night, and incredibly solemn. DFB and Tenzō barely had the energy left to remove both their seals and place the new ones on everybody. It settled onto the back of my tongue with a fizz and a taste of chalk, before dying out entirely.

There were things I knew I'd forgotten, and things which I knew I missed in the show entirely thanks to the half attention I was paying when I watched it. There were things I knew I'd misremembered, and wished I'd had perfect memory back then. All my mind could do now was perfectly retain the imperfect memories. I was frustrated by my lack of knowledge about huge chunks near to the end of Naruto. By that point I'd been working off of little sleep and too much revising to really be paying any attention to what was going on on the screen not even in my direct field of view.

Right now, though, none of that mattered. What mattered was a wan DFB holding me close and I futilely attempted to soothe him with my presence.

"You're sure? You're absolutely certain," he sounded shattered in more ways than one, and I could see heavy grief dredged up from the depths of his emotions and split open once again with this fresh wound.

"I'm sure, tou-san. It was your Obito," I whispered, wishing I could give another answer.

"Shit," he breathed in despair, not for the first or even tenth time that evening. His chest shook for a second and he closed his eyes as though that would block out reality.

Eventually he spoke, his throat sounded tight with betrayal and pain, "not my Obito, then is he? The Obito I knew would never do that."

"I'm sorry," I squeezed him as tightly as I could, like I could wring the horrible mess of feelings and memories and trauma from him.

He didn't say anything else after that, though. He just curled closely around me and I honestly couldn't tell if it was protectively, or in order to seek asylum in my presence.

To my dismay, DFB wandered around like a ghost the next day, lost in the unpleasantness of his thoughts. He delayed everyone meeting up to plan for a few days, and although I tried to be there for him, all he seemed to want from me were answers that sometimes I could give him and sometimes I couldn't.

Regardless of what I told him, none of it showed any signs of helping. I was fairly sure the Kakashi in Naruto managed to collect himself amazingly quickly in the face of the news, but then that Kakashi was supposed to be a fair few years older, with students who'd grown up and become amazing shinobi in their own right, as well as someone who'd already experienced a form of defeat and betrayal from Sasuke and had managed to carry on after that.

DFB was fresh to this kind of close intentional betrayal, and he was taking it badly. I knew there was no quick fix to the turbulent emotions he was undoubtedly experiencing, but acting like he was a phantom wasn't going to do anything. All that could really help was some time and perspective, but getting back into the swing of his routine could help fill that time and keep him going.

So after leaving it for a few days, after he delayed everyone meeting up to plan again, I approached him from where he sat with his face buried in Icha Icha.

"Tou-san?"

He gradually lifted his pale face and blinked slowly at me, "Aa?"

"You need to eat, you need get out of the flat and do something normal, and you need to arrange a day and time for everyone to come round and talk, then stick to that arrangement," I spoke kindly but firmly, with my arms crossed.

It was probably a mark of how much time we spent together that we definitely had an argument, but no words actually got spoken.

It was mostly with body language and eyebrows. Or eyebrow as the case may be.

After a few mostly silent minutes, DFB released a tired sigh and scraped his fingers through his hair.

"It's one of the shittest feelings in the world when someone you care deeply about and have been loyal to for a long time betrays you. It's doubly shit for you because you've only just found out he was even alive still. It's not something that's going to feel less shit in a few weeks and it's also not something you can just put your life on hold for while you sort yourself out."

"Are you talking from experience," he tiredly asked, not really looking at me.

"Yes. Nothing as extreme as what you're experiencing, thank Kami. Remind me to explain to you the term gaslighting when you've got the emotional space to be really angry on someone else's behalf. It's still not something I'm entirely over and it still affects me, but carrying on with life was the best thing I could have done at the time. It's the only thing I can suggest for you."

He was quiet for a long minute, staring at his hands like they might reveal some sort of divine solution for him if he studied them hard enough. Eventually they flopped beside him and he gave a laugh that was all agony and no joy.

I winced at the sound of it, but afterward he gave me a smile without real mirth and shrugged, morbidly amused at his own defeat, "Alright then. I promised you we'd start interrogation practice after your birthday, didn't I? We'll start tomorrow after your apprenticeship, and then afterward I'll get in contact with the others so we can put a time aside to meet up soon."

It wasn't exactly what I'd been hoping for, but I was aware that it was more than I myself could have given if I'd been in his position. DFB had been a strong support for me so many times while I struggled and I figured this time I could do the same.

This wasn't something he was just going to get over, and whatever he needed from me I'd do my best to provide. Just like he was always there for me, I would be there for him.

Even if 'being there' meant letting him excise his emotions out on me during interrogation.

* * *

 _What did you think of Sonaru and Lee's reaction to each other? What about Kakashi's reaction to the truth about Obito?_

 _What do you think will change about Kakashi's approach to teaching now he knows about Naruto's importance and Sasuke's potential betrayal? What about his perception of Obito in the long term?_

 _Honestly I could have done a whole chapter or two just on Sonaru telling them what she remembered and the others reacting to it, but first of all it's rehashing what everyone who's seen Naruto or read enough canon-accurate fics already knows, and secondly I just really wanted to move onto the next bit._

 _That's not to say I won't have Sonaru and the others talk about what she's told them and their thoughts and feelings on things/how it's changed their perception on their own lives, but I chose to go with their reactions to her info in the long term. Mostly since if I wrote immediate reactions I'd have to keep writing it in real time and that would be a really long conversation._

 _With their long term reactions I can have multiple convos spread out and bigger impact on the characters over time. Plus it gives me a chance to dot in and out of different povs during different scenarios._


	42. Chapter 42

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This is not a full chapter. Consider it a sort of preface.

Still v. Important though

* * *

 **Chapter 41.9**

I woke up slowly and groggily, crawling my way arduously from heavy sleep that seemed determined to drag me back under right up until I sat up and blearily opened my eyes.

My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and weights and it lolled to the side as I yawned and squinted at my surroundings. My vision wavered and swam in front of me for uncomfortably long seconds and I blinked furiously, reaching up to rub and press firmly at my eyelids to get them to see straight.

There was something...

I smacked my lips together with a grimace, an odd filmy taste on the back of my tongue that I couldn't place and a horribly dry mouth.

Something was tickling my senses...

I needed a pee, I realised, quite badly. Not the best state of affairs with such a young body - small, fairly weak bladder and all that. I was thirsty, and seemingly random areas all over my body ached slightly.

Blinking rapidly again as my eyes finally cleared, I looked up and around. Suddenly I realised what had been bothering me in the back of my foggy mind; the walls were a blue I'd never seen used in any of the buildings I spent time in, I couldn't hear anything outside of my own breath and heartbeat, and everything in the room smelt foreign.

I looked down at myself, alarmed, and spotted irritation and mild bruising circling the skin around my wrists. I'd been restrained, even if I wasn't anymore. I wasn't wearing any sort of clothing I recognised and I mourned the loss of any of the tools which might have been helpful that were in the lining of all my clothes.

I was lying on a double bed, fresh grey sheets that didn't smell of a recognisable detergent. There was a door off to the right that wasn't quite shut properly, and a thicker metal door almost directly in front of me. It had a handle, and either there were no locks on it, they were electromagnetic, or the locks were all on the outside.

To the right, wedged in the small space between the wall and the bed, was a bedside table holding a glass of water.

The left side of the room was almost entirely bare, with the exception of a slightly ominous looking dark metal chest, with two padlocks on the front.

Lighting the room was a single bulb, with the switch by the metal door.

Ignoring my thirst for now, I crawled off the bed and staggered my way toward the door to the right, putting my ear to the tiny gap and listening for any sign of life. Once I confirmed there was no one there, I sniffed tentatively and immediately caught a soft waft of bleach, scented soap and damp. It smelled like a bathroom, and with another quick scan behind me to double check there were no cameras, I widened the gap and slipped through.

My guess was confirmed as I took in the room, painted the same blue with plain white tiles on the floor. The copper bath was surprisingly large, although nowhere near as deep as the one at home, the toilet had no lid, the sink had a locked cabinet above it, the only cabinet I could open showed itself to be bare, and there was a shitty mirror which, when I tested it, turned out to be made of plastic.

The fact that I had been placed in a room with a bathroom suggested that maybe I was intended to stay there for a little while, which was supported by the fact that by the toilet there were steps stuck to the floor clearly designed for a little person.

I went for a pee, grimacing at being unable to wash my hands due to the steps being sealed down, and went to have a proper look in the mirror at what I was wearing.

"Jesus, considering this is my first go, he's really going all out," I muttered to myself when I saw that I was wearing a simple nightdress with connected shorts underneath. There was no elastic or drawstrings in the shorts part of the nightwear I could use.

I was aware that the mechanisms which allowed the toilet to flush and then refill with water could be dismantled and weaponised or something, but I hadn't learned how yet and so that option was unavailable to me.

Maybe DFB was more emotionally skewed from the Obito revelation than even I'd seen, considering how extra he was being with my very first kidnap and interrogation scenario. Regardless, I knew he would have left me something in either room to use to get a chance to escape before whoever it was would come to question me.

However, before I turned away from the mirror something caught my eye, and I turned back with a furrowed brow to scan my face for whatever was wrong. When I spotted it, my eyebrows shot up in bewilderment.

Black eyes.

No wonder my eyes felt so shit, I still had my contacts in. I took them out, doubly regretting not being to wash my hands, and tried to figure out why I had my contacts in.

I tried to think back to what I did after my apprenticeship, and realised that I couldn't remember.

Fuck. I really couldn't remember.

A jolt of unease went through my veins and my already dry mouth felt even drier.

I said goodbye to Fukuda, told her to say hello to Masami for me... and then... blank.

Having become accustomed to a perfect memory, suddenly missing a chunk was especially disorienting. I began to look around frantically for any sign of how long it had been since my last memory, despite knowing there was nothing to be seen.

It could have been hours, I could be anywhere in Konoha.

A prickle of fear crept through my mind as it occurred to me that my time as Sona was off limits and everyone knew it. If I'd still been wearing my black contacts when I was taken...

Maybe this wasn't a drill after all.

I heard footsteps at the edge of my hearing, the gait unfamiliar to me. I wanted to hide, but there was nowhere that wasn't immediately obvious for me. Unsure of what else to do, I rushed back into the bedroom, dominated by thought that being trapped in the bathroom when they arrived was a bad idea.

My fists clenched and I realised I still had the contacts in my hand.

While Sona had black irises, if they hadn't been removed already it suggested that they hadn't checked my eyes while I was unconscious. It was a risk not putting them back in and having such a drastic change in eye colour, but there was a chance I could convince them I wasn't DFB's kid if I didn't have the correct eyes.

So, taking the risk, I quickly put the contacts in my mouth and washed them back with the water by the bed.

The door swung opened and I had time for one last desperate prayer that I was reading the signs wrong and someone I knew would be entering.

A woman I'd never seen before stepped inside. She had a kind smile on her face, and her movements gave her away as a shinobi.

A vivid memory shot like panic through my thoughts of Fukuda telling me once, "one of the earliest things parents try to teach their children is the symbol of Konohagakure. Before we let them run around without supervision they have to know the difference between our shinobi, and enemy shinobi, so that they know which symbols not to approach.

"It doesn't always work, though, especially with the younger civilian children. In order to gain their trust during kidnapping, shinobi have been known to take off their headbands in order to confuse and trick the youngest ones."

My stomach dropped when I saw the slight tan mark where her hitai-ate obviously usually sat on her forehead.

Ohfuckofuckohfuckohfuck.

Was I even in Hi no Kuni anymore?

* * *

 _. Don't read the note until you've read the mini chapter_

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 _I didn't say anything because I wanted it to be a surprise, but last chapter was the end of part one._

 _This is the start of part two. Different tone (hopefully), different issues, different style (sort of)_

 _Also I feel distinctly evil for doing this, and it makes me happy._

 _Every time in the last couple chapters Sonaru made some sort of internal or external mention/promise to be around and be there for someone I just cackled internally._

 _Now you may be asking yourself 'did Lazy really just write around 200,000 words to get us attached to a character's life, so that when the the rug gets pulled from underneath Sonaru the readers are similarly blindsided and want to get back to Kakashi as much as the character does?'_

 _Yes, yes I did. Overkill much? Yes, yes it was._

 _Welcome to the plot. Good luck :)_


	43. Chapter 43

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Mwahaha. okay the kidnapping continues.

If you remember back in chapter 1 I had (dddds) brackets. thats the thoughts in the back of her brain getting loud enough for her to be strongly emotionally affected by them.

 **If you recall chapter 34** when Kakashi taught Sonaru about slowing her perception of time down through being hyper aware of every second passing, as well as boosting her senses in order to perceive her surroundings in great detail, allowing her to have time to think rationally and tactically while not outwardly doing anything other than maintaining control of her breathing.

If you can't remember, read the first half or so of that chap again to help. Ambush and Playing Ninja were supposed to help her practice the technique among other things.

[dddd] this is her tactical Hatake training kicking in. Hope you like the new addition

Also the ending might read a bit weird, but that's Sonaru getting triggered and dissociating like she did at the beginning of the story.

Those who reviewed the pre chapter - your reactions gave me happy feelings!

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 42 - You Don't Own Me**

The woman stared at me with her warm eyes and kind smile, and I stared back- frozen in place as my heart beat burst to life like a rabbit thumping its hind foot in warning of a dangerous predator.

( _Run. Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun-_ )

[Muscle tone in her legs and posture indicative of anticipation of flight and ability to prevent such action]

(The door is open. There's a gap. I'm small. I can make it _. Run!_ )

[Current speeds reach high Genin when raiton jutsu active. Size of building interior unknown. Speed of enemy unknown. Risk too great to flee.]

The moment stretched onwards agonisingly as my brain raced, the fog from my thoughts had cleared jarringly fast- chased away by the adrenaline pumping through my system.

(Get me out of here. I don't want to be here. Oh fuck how did I get here. Where's Tou-san No help By myself I'm not ready for this. _Runrunrun_ )

[Posture and expression suggest intent to manipulate through kindness. Enemy of unknown skill and temperament. No weapon on hand. Unknown enemy numbers in surrounding area. _Do not take preemptive action_ ]

I froze while my mind warred with itself, caught between staying and running in a mindless panic.

[Breathe. Do not give away any information not proven to be known by the enemy. Underestimation is your greatest asset currently]

My breaths were short quiet gasping little things, and as she stepped inside the room fully, allowing the door to begin closing behind her, I felt a sharp jerk of desperation in my stomach at the diminishing gap.

I didn't want to be trapped inside a room with this stranger who had kidnapped me. I didn't want my choices taken from me.

( _Run!_ )

[Do Not Run. Rely on size and looks. Affect innocence. Play along, observe, gather intel, calculate. Wait for optimum conditions before applying uncooperative manoeuvres. _Breathe_ ]

I forced myself to take a single deep breath and watched, agonised, as the door sealed shut and my last chance at running was sealed alongside it. I knew doing nothing was the best choice I could make with what little understanding of my situation I had, but it felt really really fucking bad.

(I should have run. I'm so dead I'm going to die again What if Tou-san never finds out what happened)

Tears sprung to my eyes and I looked at the floor as the woman slowly approached me like a spooked animal, in order to hide the wetness in my eyes until I had myself under control.

[Cry to encourage sympathy]

Despite my shaky breaths, I kept my breathing under control and squashed any rising embarrassment at the vulnerable display in front of someone who already had me at a disadvantage. By the time I glanced back up at her, twin streams cut down my cheeks and I sniffled pitifully.

Her smile widened to something approaching comforting, and she crouched down.

"Hello, sweet thing, my name is Kuchisake Shion. Don't be scared, you're safe here," she soothed, "Hey, there's no need to cry."

With gentle fingers she reached out to cup my cheeks, and I locked my legs in order to prevent the urge to bite or escape from her hand from taking hold.

Her callused hand told me of a someone who utilised Shuriken and Kunai regularly, as she swiped my left cheek free of tears with her thumb.

"Where's Tou-san," I wobbled with a sniff, "where am I?" I looked up at her from under wet lashes and held the bottom of my nightdress tightly.

Her hand slid from my cheek to my shoulder and she dipped her head further until I could smell the scent of sweets on her breath as she lowered her voice.

"Your parents are okay, don't worry. Do you remember what happened before you got here?"

[Parents. Wrong child, or true identity remains unknown. Play along.]

I shook my head with a distressed expression, allowing another tear to trickle down my face.

"It's okay, they know where you are. They know you're safe. My superiors have already contacted them and they'll be here when they can, but your parents are very busy right now."

"Why?" I asked, tremulously.

Kuchisake pursed her lips as if trying to figure out how to tell someone something difficult, "you were kidnapped, Sona-chan - I can call you Sona-chan can't I? - and Konoha's shinobi couldn't come get you, so your parents hired us to protect you instead. We chased off the bad shinobi and we took you here to keep you safe.

"While your parents try to find out why you were taken in the first place, the safest place for you to be is here with me and my colleagues. I know it might be scary, and you want your parents to be here with you, but they promised me you're a very smart, grown-up and well-behaved little girl. Can you do as you're told while you're here and make them proud?"

[Despite superior physical strength and training she hopes not to use them against you. Cooperation and submission is optimum route for minimal physical suffering]

My throat closed in disgust at the blatant manipulation attempt and lies, and it took me a few seconds to swallow past the tightened muscles and unlock my voice.

"When will they come get me?" I whispered, tears still clinging to my lashes and threatening to spill over.

"I don't know, sweet thing. As soon as they can," she squeezed and rubbed my shoulder comfortingly, "and, hey, while you're here you can write letters to them so they don't miss you too badly. I'll make sure they receive them."

I didn't know if the offer was given in order to pacify me or to have me give them information I intended for my 'parents', it didn't really matter in the end because there was nothing I could write that would give them anything to use.

[Writing letters gives potential opportunity to sow misinformation and further solidify validity of false identity]

I took in the appearance of the woman in front of me, with her faint scars on either side of her mouth like the Joker, her grey eyes so pale they almost looked white and her silky shoulder length black hair. She looked to be in her early thirties and only slightly younger than Fukuda, though where Fukuda's face was cold in its refined elegance and high cheekbones, Kuchisake had a thinner softer looking face lending her a warmer appearance.

Alongside her curved brows and wide lips, her appearance and even physical demeanour radiated gentle intention and comfort.

Her unnervingly intense eyes and the scarring of her mouth which widened her smile just a touch too much, combined with the dog shit spewing from her lips, suggested otherwise.

Still, I hid my assessment and miserably nodded my head as she rubbed up and down my arm, "Who will teach me? My lessons are important- and who will feed me and help me wash my hands and-"

She pulled me forward into a hug, with my chin tucked over her shoulder - the smell of sugar even stronger up close, alongside a subtler fragrance of rainwater mixed in with a human's natural oils, some kind of sweet and sour food, and a hint of old blood - and wrapped her arms firmly but not constricting around me. She spoke quietly, her breath hitting my neck and the side of her lips tickling the side of my head.

"I'm taking care of you, Sona-chan, don't you worry. If you need _anything_ you can tell me, and I'll look after you. Your parents told me a little about you, and I loved what I heard about you so much that I knew I had to be the one to take care of you."

[Actions indicate desire to form a maternal bond of dependency. Express similar desire for such a figure]

My stomach clenched in discomfort and my teeth locked together uncooperatively, my brain rebelled at the thought of taking any steps to actively encourage Kuchisake in taking on any kind of mothering role. This more than anything had me feeling dread so acute that it felt like nausea.

[Do it. Survival over comfort and pride]

"You're looking after me? Like a mother does?" I asked in a small voice.

I felt her lips stretch wider against my head and she breathed in triumph, "Yes. Like a mother. In fact, I wanted to spend time with you and take care of you so much that I made sure we'll be sharing a room together," she pulled back from her hug and held me at in front her, her frighteningly piercing eyes scanning me with a sick sort of possessiveness.

[Possibly 24/7 monitoring intended]

"They wanted to put you with other children a bit older than you, but those kids are being trained to fight and they can be rough. I know this room is little plain for now, but I've only had a few things from my old room moved in here so far. Soon this will be nice enough that it will feel like a bedroom suiting a little Hime like you. How does that sound? Good?"

I clamped furiously down on the urge to tell her never to fucking call me that again. Hearing the nickname Gai so affectionally used for me coming out of this liar's lips had me violently protesting inside, and for a briefly vivid moment I saw myself reaching and clawing out her eyes.

[Breathe]

But the moment passed and after a breath I made myself nod, glad that the moment didn't call for a smile because I was sure I wouldn't have been able to summon one.

"Excellent. I know you miss your parents, but you'll come to like it here, I'm sure of it. Now, dinner is being served in ten minutes so why don't we make our way there. You're supposed to eat with the children in a separate building but no one will mind if you stick with me," she winked conspiratorially, "some of the men can be a bit stupid, but I know a few of the women would be excited to meet someone as sweet as you so we'll sit with them today. Afterward I'll grab some of the spare uniforms for the children until I can get some clothes and other belongings of your own, we can come back here and you can have a nice bath and then bedtime. Okay?"

I looked down at the floor and nodded silently, playing up on the unsure shy sad child clinging to to the comfort of an adult.

The fact that there was a communal eating space for adults and children was interesting. An isolated place, then? Or a community of some sort, perhaps. I'd find out, and I just hoped that when I did the answer wasn't something horrifying.

Her fingers touched the underside of my chin and encouraged me to look at her, so I did, staring confused as her eyes roved my face in pleased contemplation, with a curiously wistful and melancholy set to her mouth.

"You remind me of my daughter," she finally said, deceptively light grief in her voice, "she was so sweet and well behaved as well. So smart. She would have been nine this year - she died when she was four... she was so cute like you... you really remind me of her."

By the end, her tone had taken an odd twist. Just slightly. But I heard it loud and clear and to me it sounded a little like madness.

Just fucking great. I got to pretend to be the daughter replacement for a mother mad with grief. Joy.

She huffed out a breath through her nose and seemed to return to herself a little. She pulled away from me and stood.

"Come on, let's go. We don't want to miss the tastiest dishes," she eyed my bare feet for a moment, "just this once I'll carry you since you don't have socks or shoes."

Then she bent down, and fluidly hoisted me up into her hold to settle above her hips with one arm supporting my butt. My arms went up to wrap around her neck automatically with my stomach squeezing so tight I didn't know how on earth I'd be able to stomach a single mouthful.

She turned to the door, opening the door without appearing to do anything to unlock it which had me questioning whether the door locked in the first place - it had to have done, right? To keep a kidnap victim in an unlocked room was idiocy.

The first thing I noticed about the hallway we entered was the clinically pale and bland design. The second thing was the smell; I detected a touch of wall paint, dust, cold metal flooring, a bit of fresh blood laying over a deeper scent of old blood mixing in with a side note of bleach and it was obvious to my nose that two people had had sex relatively recently nearby in the hall.

As Kuchisake walked in what soon became a labyrinth of hallways, I thanked all the deities I still didn't believe in that my memory prevented me from getting hopelessly lost. This place may have been designed to confuse and turn about anyone who wasn't intimately familiar with the place, but all I needed was a single glance at an exit and I'd know my way out.

I doubted that was going to happen today, and probably not tomorrow either or in any of the days just around the corner, but it had to happen at some point as long as I remained thought of as a young civilian kid. In the mean time I just had to keep Kuchisake sweet, or someone else of an equal or higher rank than her, to ensure my safety as best I could.

I heard the crowd of muted voices before I saw anything, but eventually we approached a set of double doors with glass windows in them - something that was missing in every other metal door we'd passed on our way - and I saw a crowd between one hundred and one hundred fifty people sitting around tables that wouldn't be out of place in a school cafeteria.

As soon as the doors opened the muted voices raised to a much louder chatter. The sound was relatively casual and upbeat in overall tone, but I knew better than to take that at face value in my judgement of the place overall.

Some of the tables had a mix of men and women on them, but just as many had only one gender, and I noticed that there was also a mix of people dressed like shinobi and those in far less combat suitable clothing.

I caught a large number of people quickly clock our entrance and although a lot of them scanned me curiously for less than two seconds before dismissing me and going back to what they were doing, I also felt an uncomfortable amount of appraising and keen eyes remain fixed on me and Kuchisake.

There was a touch of swagger to Kuchisake's steps that hadn't been there before we entered the room, and I realised with mild discomfort that she enjoyed the looks, although she didn't make any other outward sign of noticing the attention.

She made a beeline toward a table with only women, all non-combat dressed, and one by one they all looked up to watch her approach. There were five women, three of them cooed at my presence, one of them quirked a half smile and the other showed no interest whatsoever. They were all older than Kuchisake, and most of them were far less conventionally attractive.

"Hey everyone, this is Igarashi Sona, I'm looking after her while she's here. Say hello, Sona-chan," she bobbed me up and down a little to encourage me, and although I didn't know whether it was the correct course or not, I had noticed a level of possessiveness in Kuchisake's attitude toward me and chose to feed into that.

Feigning shyness I turned and hid my face in her shoulder, hearing the rise in volume from the women cooing and feeling the slight rise and fall of Kuchisake's chest as she laughed silently.

She rubbed up and down my back, "she's a little shy, since she's still missing her parents. I told her I'd take good care of her and we've just connected right away."

One of the women snorted disdainfully, and I guessed it was one of ones who was less interested from the start, "I don't see why you're making the effort, she's just like any of the others."

[Others likely referring to children. Statement implies lack of emotional care given. Presence of parents unlikely. Objective: discover purpose of children]

Kuchisake tensed around me and her voice was sharp, "she's different. I've got permission to keep her separate from the rest."

"Sure, she's different for now, but eventually she'll lose her shine and you'll be ordered to stop treating her like she's special."

"You're not a shinobi, Ike-san, you don't understand the complexities of the situation. Besides, I have a close relationship with Nagao-taichou and we have an understanding."

"An understanding. Is that what it's called, around here?" Ike's voice dripped with malicious scorn and in a second I felt Kuchisake's whole body shift underneath me, coiling threateningly.

"Be careful how you speak, Ike. I know you're convinced you're smarter than I am, but you're also more replaceable. If only because that understanding you sneer at me for."

I was liking this place less, the more I was exposed to it, and in an attempt to get the women to stop I made my presence known again by shifting and digging my face further into Kuchisake's neck, releasing an 'involuntary' whimper.

"Ike, you need to tone it down in front of the child," a smooth and mature voice interjected with authority, and the awkward pause afterward told me that this was someone who had Ike's respect at least.

Kuchisake stood, with me still held in her arms, and fetched a tray to be served food, before sitting back at the same table. But even with her brief absence the slightly tense silence continued. Kuchisake sat me in her lap and allowed me to eat the soup and bread first, and when minutes passed and nobody showed any interest in reigniting a conversation I began to relax just a little.

It was while Kuchisake was eating her own meal, having finished my own, that one of the women spoke up - unfortunately in my direction.

"How long have you been here then, Igarashi-chan?" A woman with short blue hair cut in an asymmetrical style asked me. She had a round face with a nose that jutted out prominently from it, and an entirely unemotional look in her eyes regardless of whatever tone her voice affected.

[Look at Kuchisake before answering to encourage the image of dependency]

I turned my head to glance questioningly at Kuchisake and she smiled encouragingly at me, however she answered before I got a chance to open my mouth, "she arrived this morning, but she woke up less than an hour ago."

I shivered internally at the concrete knowledge that a significant portion of time had passed since I was leaving Fukuda to go home in my last memory, before I awoke kidnapped.

"Oh I see, so very new. I'm sure you'll settle quickly, almost all the children moved here do."

[birth rates non existent? Decreased likelihood of stable family structures. Certainty of statement suggests personal familiarity with state of children. Inquire about purpose of establishment]

"What is this place?" I asked with all the innocent confusion and curiosity I could muster - which was a fair amount.

"It's a medical research facility," the blue-haired woman answered.

Kuchisake's muscles tensed.

"But... I thought the bigger kids were being taught to fight," I turned to Kuchisake with a bewildered expression, catching her quickly cut off the fierce glare she was giving the other woman.

"They are, sweet thing. It's a combined military and medical research facility," she smiled warmly at me, but the edges remained unhappy.

"Oh," I nodded, and then dropped my head back to her shoulder, feeling her slowly relax at the discontinued questions.

[Significantly increased chance of unethical human experimentation]

Fuck. _Fuck_.

[Breathe]

I made a show of being sleepy to avoid being required for conversation as I focussed on keeping my heart beat slow and my breathing steady to prevent giving away my distress. But my insides were curdling and bit my cheek harshly to prevent panic from creeping up on me, cutting myself and swallowing the warm metallic sweet and salty taste.

I needed to leave as soon as I could. Jesus fuck there were no words to describe how much the idea of being a human experiment terrified me.

[Rearrange priorities: 1. Rigid moral boundaries 2. Functional physical body and mental faculties 3. Return to Tou-san 4. Personal dignity and non-rigid moral boundaries]

Thankfully Kuchisake ate fairly quickly and wasted no time hanging around to make conversation with the other women. The three who had been making endeared noises ever since I arrived gave me waves and calls goodnight, despite me still not knowing any of their names.

[Note Kuchisake's lack of introduction for them. Suggests theory of possessiveness and desire for dependency may be achieved through isolation from familiar adult figures]

Their attitudes toward me, like I was the most adorable thing they'd ever seen, didn't sit well with me considering the fact that I doubted they didn't know what was intended for me.

[Sona deemed significant enough that the risk to kidnap from Konoha for medical research facility considered worth it. Unknown reason why]

Despite the churning of my insides and the food sitting restlessly, threatening to make a reappearance if I didn't concentrate, I still managed to pay attention to our direction as Kuchisake popped sweets into her mouth that she crunched, while she made her way to a storage cupboard where she found a few dark grey sweatpants, t shirts and socks a few sizes too big for me - the closest they had - as well as a clean metal bucket, some towels, a couple of tooth brushes, a tube of toothpaste and hair and body wash.

Once we traversed the labyrinth of hallways once more to arrive back at the room I had woken up in, I took careful note that once more she managed to open the door without unlocking it.

Immediately after dumping the clothes on the bed, Kuchisake entered the bathroom, where I remembered she'd mentioned a wash. The last thing I wanted at that point was her performing a mockery of my cwtch time with DFB, and I felt tension crawl up my spine and neck at anticipation of her beginning to run a bath.

She placed the metal bucket under the hot tap and began to run water, turning to me with a half smile, "I'm just going to wash you in the bucket tonight, since you seem pretty tired."

I wanted to insist that I could do it all myself, but in order to do so I'd have to use strength for refilling the bucket that Sona shouldn't have. Despite my fervent desires, I'd have to let Kuchisake wash me.

As she undid the button on the back of the nightdress, and helped me climb out of it, my skin crawled at having my vulnerable back exposed to her, at her nails and fingertips brushing slightly against an area that I usually had covered, and at being naked in front of her.

I stepped into the water-filled bucket as quickly as possible, I was shivering but I didn't think it was from cold. I looked at the floor, at the wall, at the water. Anywhere but the woman whose hands dwarfed the limbs that erupted in goosebumps the moment they were touched. Gentle callused hands, slick with soap, slid with too much entitlement.

 _Stand up. Sit down. Give me your arm. And the other arm_. I obeyed and thought on it as little as possible. _Close your eyes so the soap doesn't hurt_. Fingers curling through my hair, spreading the unscented soap. Scratching my scalp like Tou-san. Shivering.

She was not my mother.

I didn't want a mother.

I closed my eyes as my hair was rinsed. I didn't open them afterward, as hands lifted me from the bucket and a towel wrapped around me. Swaddled almost like a baby.

I was not a child. She was not my mother.

Practiced hands used the towel to dry me. I was still shivering. My eyes were still closed.

 _So cute, you can barely stay awake_. A sweet smelling voice murmured with undeserved proprietary affection.

Hands dressed me like a doll, and then I was laid on a cold mattress, a duvet layered over me.

 _Go to sleep, sweet thing. I'll have a shower and then I'll be back._

Lights turned off, the redness behind my eyelids went black. Pressing against them displayed a light show of rainbow starbursts.

Breathe.

The door opened. The smell of steam and clean human and sweets and a hint of soup. The duvet lifted, the mattress dipped.

Bare arms wrapped around me and pulled. The sheet slid under my skin until I lay in the middle. Lips against the back of my neck.

 _Goodnight, sweet thing_. Sweet smelling breath curled around my neck.

I felt skin against my neck. Her breasts pressed against me. Giving way slightly to the body I wore as she breathed. No cloth barrier. Her body heat was too close. My eyes stayed shut.

If I shifted I might feel her bare nipple graze my neck. If I shifted I might discover she wore no bottoms by the rasp of hair against my nightdress. Arms kept me there. I froze so I didn't shift. I still shivered.

She was not my mother.

I did not want a mother.

My breath stuttered quietly. Tears gently pattered the mattress.

I wanted Tou-san.

I wanted home.

* * *

 _I made myself sad writing this. But then I made myself happy imagining some of you guys feeling sad too. Let me know if you felt sad!_

 _So, I'd seriously love to hear your initial impression of Kuchisake Shion._

 _What's your theory on why Sona was targeted?_

 _Also do you want me to skip back and forth a little between the team in Konoha and Sonaru, or do you want to have a few summary sort of chapters nearer to the end, like what Genma's already had in his two chapters._

 _It would follow Gai becoming Jōnin-Sensei. Kakashi dealing with everything you know he's got to deal with. Inevitably it would quickly spiral out of control and I'd feel obliged to give them a more complex plot while she's gone... yes? No?_

 _Also I don't know if anyone picked up the subtle implication in this chapter, but the only priority that requires survival for Sonaru is number 3 (Because she's already died once and regained functional physical and mental state). Suggesting that if ever she discovers there's zero chance of finding Kakashi again..._


	44. Chapter 44

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I was going to wait another chapter to write Kakashi but since some of you asked for it/showed an interest in Kakashi's reaction I delivered it a bit early. I wasn't really sure if I was going to write sad Kakashi or angry Kakashi, but I decided this part of the story is essentially called 'The Hatakes are both really sad and scared but they choose to be angry instead cos it gets shit done.'

Also thank you for Mackenzie McClain about the Anbu comment. I wasn't really sure what on Earth I was going to write at first when it came to Kakashi's plot that wouldn't be him moping around being ineffective (which I didn't want). Your comment made me wonder 'oh, why wouldn't Anbu have done something?' and that kickstarted the beginning of the Kakashi and Bros starring in the 'men being proactive and awesome' arc.

So... yeah welcome to the 'The Hatakes are both really sad and scared but they choose to be angry instead cos it gets shit done' arc.

Aka the 'men being proactive and awesome and women being less than awesome' arc.

I'm glad some of you mentioned how weird it is that Kuchisake was either entirely or almost naked when she slept in bed with Sonaru. When no one commented on it initially, I was a bit concerned I'd written it too subtly or that I was incorrect in my perception of that being off behaviour.

Functionally nuts people are difficult to write convincingly.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 43 - I Will Follow You Into The Dark**

Kakashi ignored the weighted feeling in his chest and buried his woes in Icha Icha. Or at least he tried to. It hadn't worked when he first learned the truth about his life and it wasn't working now. His entire driving force was based on a lie-

No, stop it. He wasn't going there. He wasn't doing that to himself again.

It wasn't a lie and Obito's words weren't false, even if the man he became chose to betray them. Was manipulated into betraying them? But he still chose...

He shut his eye briefly and shook his head to clear his thoughts. He had plenty of time to mourn the pedestal he had once placed his childhood comrade on, but he needed his head on straight if he was going to make Su-chan's first experience being interrogated as safe and controlled as possible.

But dear kami, how was he supposed to concentrate when names like Uchiha Madara, Obito, Uzumaki Nagato, and Rikudō Sennin were being thrown through his mind?

Literal Gods and Godesses. Plant zombies with previously unimagined spy capabilities. Overpowered radicalised missing nin. Friendly tailed demons. Reincarnation - again.

He really wanted the most fantastical elements of Su-chan's recollection to be just as fiction as it was first depicted to her. But he couldn't rely on that to be the case.

It was all so much more deadly and threatening to his family than he had feared. How was he possibly going to handle this without losing too many people he cared about?

With an annoyed quirk of his brow he shook he head again to clear his thoughts. Focus. Su-chan. Interrogation preparation.

They were starting light, with a basic one one one questioning. No restraints or intimidation tactics. No pressure on her to physically escape.

He glanced up and out the window, at the light beginning to fade, with burgeoning concern. She should have been home by now.

He allowed Icha Icha to drag his eye back to the page and continued reading for half an hour, before the fading light in the window captured his attention once more.

She really should have been home by now. He considered leaving it for another twenty minutes, in case Gai had intercepted her on her way home and distracted her. Another day maybe he would have, but he didn't really want to be alone just then - a desire that had almost never occurred before Su-chan came into his life. He was so unused to unexpected time to himself that when it landed in his lap he didn't know what to do with it.

Getting up and putting his book away, Kakashi exited through the balcony doors and took to the rooftops in case she was still in public dressed as Sona - he didn't want to approach her if she was. She wasn't around the Fukuda business when he looked, nor the Fukuda compound. With a frown he checked that Fukuda's child was home and alone, and then made his way toward Gai's place.

He entered unannounced, and although Gai turned to him with an effusive smile, at his agitated air the man sobered quickly.

"Kakashi?"

"Have you seen Su-chan?" His voice was calm, but the fact that it lacked his usual nonchalance spoke volumes.

"No, not since the night we were last all together. I take it Su-hime should have arrived from her apprenticeship by now?"

"I can't find her," some of his worry slipped through, although he was past the point of caring about hiding it. Having said it out loud settled a cold stone in the bottom of his throat, because what if... no, focus.

He half hoped Gai would tell him not to worry, that Subaru was fine and he was just channeling his issues with what Su-chan had told them all into being over protective and paranoid.

"Have you summoned the pack?" Gai's voice was uncharacteristically serious since Subaru was the subject of the conversation.

Kakashi wanted to kick himself for not having done so earlier. He really needed to sort himself out so he could think straight. If he'd been on top of his game he'd have thought of that as soon as he saw Subaru wasn't around the Fukuda business anymore.

He summoned his ninken and stared them down with a grimly solemn look, "we're looking for Su-chan. Urushi and Shiba find Genma. Bisuke and Akino find Tenzō. Ūhei and Guruko scout the outskirts of the village. Pakkun and Bull with me. We're starting at Fukuda tea shop and tracking her scent from there. If she's under attack or in the company of someone who means her harm you defend her with your life."

Pair by pair the ninken gave their affirmative and swiftly left. He turned to Gai, who looked back attentively, "could you search the training grounds, Gai? All of them."

Gai was one of the few people he could think of who had the stamina and speed to undertake the task without a break and probably finish quicker than any of the others.

"You can count on me, Kakashi!" His brows lowered over his eyes as he smiled, giving it a fierce edge, and then he was gone.

Kakashi too wasted no time returning to Fukuda tea shops, scanning more furtively up and down the street than before, despite knowing that Subaru wasn't within range of his senses.

"Boss!" Pakkun's deep register had Kakashi's head snapping toward the tea shop front, where both ninken had perked up despite noses being firmly stuck to the ground as they took rapid sniffs, "we've got her scent. It goes this way."

The dogs took off, Kakashi alongside them reading their subtle shifts in body language well enough to predict their changes in direction before they took them. Anyone watching them wouldn't have been able to tell who was following who as they rushed along.

It didn't take more than a few turns before Kakashi recognised path they were taking as the route home. The knowledge that Subaru had begun making her way back but never arrived had a cold feeling running down his spine.

They reached a much quieter district of Konoha, less than five minutes walk away from his apartment when both canines came to an abrupt halt. Pakkun and Bull both traced the street as they sniffed, before stopping by a fence and low bushes. Pakkun lifted his head and looked back at Kakashi, pointing silently toward the bush, while Bull carried on investigating the area with his nose.

Kakashi felt sick. The fact that they had stopped and Subaru wasn't in sight meant that either someone had covered her trail, or he was about to see her lying under the bushes dead. After a frozen moment in which Kakashi struggled to get his legs to move, he dragged himself forward unable to pull his eyes away from the spot Pakkun had pointed to.

Crouching slowly down, he took a breath with his heart thundering in his ears -his hand was trembling slightly as he reached forward and pushed the leaves aside- only to let it out in a whoosh that disguised the relieved noise wanting to break free, a noise he knew would have sounded suspiciously close to a sob.

There, lying mostly disguised among the grass, was the green apple hair clip that Subaru had gone wearing to her apprenticeship.

It wasn't proof that she was alive, but until he saw a body with his own eyes he would keep looking and he wouldn't believe anything less than that she was trying to get home.

"I smell two other scents that intercept hers," Bull spoke up, pulling Kakashi's attention away. He gave a nod, and then picked up the hair clip. It had a small splash of dried blood on it, and his lips pulled into a grimace.

"Follow it."

They tracked the scent to the outskirts of Konoha and into a heavily wooded area, before Pakkun abruptly stopped, causing Bull to do so as well. The pug scented the air, and then the ground multiple times, going in circles with a frown.

"Pakkun," Kakashi sharply ordered the ninken to explain what he smelt.

The canine gave a frustrated huff, "their scents combine with multiple other scents which all split off into different directions from here. All of them have hints of the kid mixed in. We've seen this before, boss, only one of these people carried Subaru and the others took her clothes."

"How many paths?" He asked, anger beginning to smoulder low in his stomach at the definitive proof that Subaru had been intentionally kidnapped, in a premeditated manner, by trained people.

"Nine," the small dog confirmed after a quick double check.

"Call the pack here, Bull, if they haven't found Tenzō and Genma yet then they aren't in Konoha. We can have eight of the trails followed," Kakashi commanded.

Bull sat on his haunches, pushed his nose into the air and released an almost ear piercingly loud howl for long seconds that gradually trailed into silence.

"Boss, look at the sky," Pakkun quietly prompted, sounding solemn.

Kakashi looked up and swallowed when he saw heavy grey clouds hanging ominously above them.

"It's going to rain soon. The others might not get here in time before the rain washes the trail away."

"This isn't a coincidence," Kakashi concluded, steel fury in his tone.

When people went missing, generally the Inuzuka were sent to investigate to see if they could sniff them out. The timing was too perfect in preventing ninken trackers to be chance. The question was whether this was in anticipation of Inuzuka ninken, or Hatake ninken.

"Both of you get started, we don't have any time to waste waiting for the others to show."

Pakkun picked what was obviously the faintest trail, as the best tracker, and Bull picked another. Kakashi waited, impatient and antsy, praying for everyone to arrive before the imminent rain started falling.

His heart sunk when minutes later the first drips of water landed in his hair, he held a hand up to watch his chances slip away with every drop of rain against his skin.

* * *

Kakashi stood soaked and staring blankly into the grey sheet of rain in front of him by the time an equally soaked and panting Genma landed, followed by Urushi and Shiba. Before he could say anything, a significantly drier Tenzō arrived alongside Bisuke and Akino.

"Kakashi? The dogs said- did you find her?" Genma hesitantly asked, approaching his friend.

There was a long pause, before Kakashi turned his head slightly in Genma and Tenzō's direction, "no."

His voice was quiet and pained, and his posture was slumped in on itself. But his hands were fisted and shaking with rage.

"Kakashi-senpai... what do you want us to do?"

"I don't know if she was taken because they knew she's a Hatake, or because of her Chinoike blood. I don't know if it's because they were interested in the methods used to create her, or if they were simply interested in her unusual combat prowess for her age.

"It could have been that I wasn't careful enough with security before she shared what she knew with us and they took her with the intention of extracting that information. For all I know they took her because they saw a healthy, pretty civilian child regularly walking home by herself and knew some sick fuck who would want her in their bed," Kakashi spat the last part, still not looking at either shinobi properly and they wondered if he was even talking to them or to himself.

Both men watched Kakashi with wary silence, lost in the face of his ragged voice and increasing shaking. They didn't know if approaching him would comfort him or trigger violence. The confirmation of Subaru's kidnapping had them unsettled and itching to take action.

Before either could say anything in reply, two forms raced out of the grey, revealing themselves to be Bull and Pakkun. They both collapsed at Kakashi's feet panting desperately and steam coming off them due to their overheated state.

"Sorry, Boss," Pakkun wheezed between gasps, shaking his head, "the two trails converged just as the rain washed it all away."

Bull let out a despondent whine and Pakkun looked simultaneously defeated and angry with himself.

"Sorry," the pug panted again, looking down. The entire pack visibly wilted, a few of them whining unhappily.

Kakashi crouched on the balls of his feet and gave Pakkun a pat on the head to let him know it wasn't his fault, even as his face remained stone.

"What now?" Pakkun asked, still struggling to catch his breath.

"Now..." Tenzō and Genma simultaneously tensed at the deadly cast Kakashi's voice had taken - a quiet bladed rage draped in deceptively smooth silk.

"Subaru was taken in broad daylight from streets that Anbu were supposed to be patrolling. So now, I want to know who was neglecting their duty and I want to know why," Kakashi swiftly stood, glancing briefly at his pack, "you can go now. I'll take it from here."

With a poof they were gone, leaving three drenched men standing in the rain, one of them radiating a terrifying violent blood lust. Kakashi left quicker than either of them could even think of trying to get him to cool down first, although they knew that if they had tried to slow him down in the mood he was in they may have ended up with broken bones.

Genma spoke quietly and urgently to Tenzō, "find Gai, before he kills someone," before he took off after his enraged friend in the hope of mitigating some of the damage.

He pushed himself as fast as he could and only just managed to catch up to the scarecrow by the time he'd already reached the Anbu building.

"Kakashi, wait!" He called, glad when he at least paused, "it's been three years since you were active. Think. You don't know who's behind those masks anymore. You don't know if one of them will take aggression from you as a good reason to attack," You don't know who their loyalty belongs to, not after what you learned from Mini Bastard - he didn't say it, but he knew Kakashi understood.

As a retired Anbu, Kakashi wasn't supposed to be inside the Anbu headquarters unless on business for the Hokage or Nara Shikaku. But then again this was Kakashi, and he doubted anybody would stop the man once he went inside. Genma, on the other hand, was much more likely to get in trouble if he entered.

Kakashi didn't respond to him, but his shoulders squared into something a little less feral looking and when he barged inside at least he didn't break the door off.

"Bastard better not get himself killed," Genma muttered to himself, wishing Gai would hurry up and intervene already.

* * *

The door to the communal area was ripped open and many shinobi's worst nightmare entered - barely restrained killing intent radiated off every inch of the man, his one visible eyelid draped deceptively lazy over an eye dark with wrath.

Half the shinobi in the room had served under or with Hatake Kakashi during his Anbu days, and not a single one of them had ever seen him so furious.

"Oh, shit," a huge and muscled figure muttered under his mask.

Nobody made a move to stop him, and the room was silent in intimidated anticipation as he strolled silently into the room, the water dripping off him somehow making the image even more disquieting. Everyone there knew that you never really left Anbu, and Hatake Kakashi had served longer than most survived the role. Many shinobi there still viewed the man as an Anbu Captain and so to see his mood so black, directed toward them no less, was nausea inducing.

"Where's Nara Shikaku," he demanded, repressed thunder breaking through slightly in his words.

There was a moment of silence, everyone suffering under the weight of Kakashi's stormy presence.

"He's on a mission, Taichou," a woman in a bird mask squeaked out.

"Aa, in that case one of you will tell me," the killing intent ramped up and many men and women heard death in his voice, "who was supposed to be patrolling the West Civilian District three hours ago."

Flickers of white chakra had appeared over him like brief sparks of lightning adorning the suffocating veil he was surrounded by.

Some of the newer members were badly hiding their shivers, and this time no one had the balls to speak up out of fear of signing the death warrants of one of their own.

" _Now_ ," he took a step forward, on the brink of violence. The Anbu were caught between going for their weapons and fleeing. Nobody wanted to be the one to move first and catch his notice.

"T-taichou, you really shouldn't be here," one brave or foolish man finally spoke up, although he avoided eye contact when Kakashi's killer gaze cut across to him.

"I'm only going to ask one more time, and if I don't get an answer," he briefly chuckled unnervingly, "I'll be very unhappy. Who was responsible for the safety of Konoha's residents in the West Civilian District three hours ago."

The same man as before answered, "We really can't answer that, Taichou. It goes against protoc-"

The man cut himself off in terror as a kunai appeared in Kakashi's hand. Four things happened simultaneously - a room full of shinobi went for their weapons, Kakashi moved forward, everyone else moved back, and a strong hand grabbed Kakashi's wrist.

The grey-haired man turned and attacked the person restraining him at blisteringly fast speeds, but equally as fast his attack was blocked and redirected.

The red haze cleared his vision just enough to notice an incredibly familiar shade of green.

"Kakashi, you are angry, I understand. But this... this is not you," Gai's firm presence pierced through some of his blinding rage and allowed him to breathe for just a second. Even then, it was only the stifled flames in Gai's own eyes which made Kakashi believe his best friend really did understand.

The white chakra flickers died down, and the Killing Intent diminished to something a little more bearable.

The previous man spoke up a little more hesitant than before, "It's _really_ against protocol for Gai to be-"

He was cut off by a sharp elbow to the side of the face by the tall muscled figure, "shut the fuck up, do you want to get us killed," he hissed.

Kakashi stared at Gai for a long moment, breathing as he collected himself before he finally cleared his head enough to nod once. Gai let go of his wrist and Kakashi put away his Kunai.

"The Hokage can tell us," Kakashi curtly spoke and then left abruptly without further acknowledgement to the shinobi in the room, with Gai a step behind him.

Once the door closed behind them everyone released the breath they had been holding, wiping the sweat that had built up in the short time Kakashi had been there, and relaxing in relief that they wouldn't have to fight him.

"Kami, that was fucking intense," the muscular man wheezed.

It didn't take long after Kakashi left the Anbu building to convince the other three to let him handle the Hokage by himself. It probably would have involved minutes of arguing and a threat or two if not for Gai's never ending faith in him. Once Gai agreed, the other two were quick to follow - trusting Gai's assessment that Kakashi could keep himself in check.

He made an effort not to let the red haze cloud his vision and overwhelm his mind again, as he raced toward the Hokage building. By the time Kakashi arrived he could at least do a passable impression of a non-apoplectic person in the eyes of anyone who didn't know him. With a momentum fuelled jump he landed on the open window sill of Sarutobi's office, glad to see he had caught the elderly man alone.

"Kakashi? What's wrong," of course the Sandaime saw through him immediately and picked up on the urgency of whatever Kakashi had visited him for.

"Clan business," he pointedly replied. Understanding the subtext, the Hokage waited until he had closed the window behind him and then activated the security seals in his office.

"She's been kidnapped. Around three hours ago."

Not missing a trick, Sarutobi glanced out the window at the pouring rain, "convenient timing for her kidnapper. What have you found out so far?"

"She went out wearing this," reaching into his pocket, Kakashi placed Subaru's blood stained apple hair clip onto his desk, "the dogs found it in the West Civilian District. Two attackers took the most direct route to the village outskirts where they met up with others and split the scent trail nine different ways. We had time to follow two false trails before the rain washed it away."

Hiruzen cupped his chin in thought as he listened to the information Kakashi had gathered, "hmm the West Civilian District?"

"Yes, only a street away from where Anbu should have been patrolling and seen something," he bit out.

"I'll inquire into that in just a moment," he nodded, a frown clear in his words despite not appearing on his face, "do you believe it to be connected to her birth?"

Kakashi hesitated, "I don't know. Maybe. It could be due to what she knows."

"Hm?" He raised an inquisitive brow, but Kakashi shook his head.

"Clan secrets."

"Ah, I see. If that's everything pertinent? Well then," the privacy seals were deactivated and Sarutobi flared his chakra in a quick coded message. Less than a few seconds passed before one of his Anbu guard wearing a panda mask entered. Kakashi couldn't tell if the person was male or female with their light brown hair and he didn't really care.

"Panda, could you bring Washi and Yamori here, they should still be on patrol right now."

The person bowed, "Yes, sir," their gender not any clearer having spoken, and left to do as commanded.

Kakashi forced himself to remain still while he waited, despite the urge to move in order to feel like he was doing something proactive in finding Subaru. While Panda brought Washi and Yamori back he rebuilt his outward mask of lazy, laid back and aloof, so that by the time the three masked Anbu entered the room, the only sign that something was up was the missing Icha Icha book and a slightly sharp edge to his eye.

"Thank you Panda, you may leave," he then turned, implacable, to face the two masked shinobi, pressing his fingers together under his chin, "between three and four hours ago you were patrolling the West Civilian District."

"Yes, Lord Hokage," Yamori replied in the perfectly emotionless, genderless way that some Anbu practiced.

"In that time a child was kidnapped in the streets by two individuals. Where were you?" A hint of condemnation slipped in, sitting like a physical weight on even Kakashi's shoulders. The two masked Anbu showed no sign of discomfort.

"There was a disturbance at the edge of the District. We received reports of shinobi with headbands bearing foreign insignias frightening people and went to investigate. Despite looking into the matter, we saw no signs of foreign shinobi, and concluded the report had been false or exaggerated. We then returned to our patrol an hour later."

"And you neither saw nor heard anything unusual or suspicious?"

"No, Lord Hokage."

Sarutobi sighed in resignation, "a distraction," he murmured pinching the bridge of his nose, "only one of you was required to look into the matter. Because of your inefficient use of manpower a child is missing. You both will receive a warning and two weeks suspension. Go to barracks, hand in your masks, and go home."

"Yes, Lord Hokage," they both intoned identically, and left.

Kakashi was briefly thankful that it wasn't uncommon to see him in the Hokage office during mission and Anbu debriefings and other various matters of high security, so nobody would think him to have a personal stake in the issue.

There was a solemn pause, "I am truly sorry, Kakashi."

Kakashi wasn't interested in apologies and ignored it, "What do you intend to do, now?"

"I will, of course, open a very discrete investigation. If you would like to be a part of it?"

Kakashi nodded once, "I'd like Genma to take part, too. I trust him."

Hiruzen nodded, "very well."

"I'd like to use the skills of Gai and Tenzō if at any time I feel they would be useful."

After a moment, Hiruzen nodded again, "if you believe they have something to offer in this matter, then of course."

Kakashi didn't hesitate, "and I'd like this to be kept off the record."

Here Hiruzen sharpened, and he looked piercingly at the rain soaked man, "the only ones with access to documents on discrete investigations are Anbu with Captain rank or higher, and my close advisors. Do you distrust my most trusted, Kakashi?"

Yes.

"No, but if the kidnapping occurred due to information being made known to interested parties, then we're looking at a leak. If that's the case, Hiruzen, this investigation becomes a lot more high priority than a missing person."

They stared at each other unflinchingly for a moment, before Sarutobi subsided.

"Very well, off the record it is. Do not run yourself into the ground with this though, Kakashi. I suggest you begin with the false reports, and where they originated from," with another glance out the window, he added, "everyone will be inside now. You'll have better results if you begin tomorrow."

Kakashi didn't want to wait that long. He wanted to chase after all the dangerous individuals who he desperately hoped didn't even know to be interested in Subaru. It was unfortunate that all of those people were either in Hiruzen's blind spot, or believed to be dead.

He had never considered the Hokage a liability as much as he did now, but he hoped that with everyone searching for Subaru in on her secrets they could mitigate some of the obstruction that Hiruzen caused without even meaning to.

At that very moment though, unfortunately, Sarutobi was right. He'd have better luck picking up an information trail tomorrow, by which time his kid could be anywhere.

He couldn't remember a time he felt more aggravated. He couldn't remember a time he wanted to go home less. Not to that empty place.

There was no where else he could think of going, though. Not to the memorial stone where Obito's name sat as proof of the death to who his comrade once was. There was no comfort to be found there anymore.

When he was back outside in the pouring rain Gai's unexpected but not unwelcome presence stopped him short, the man's bodysuit sticking uncomfortably close to his skin when wet.

Kakashi spoke without prompting, "An off record investigation, led by Genma and I. We can utilise you and Tenzō if needed."

Gai nodded, unsmiling, "What do you need?"

Kakashi laughed bitterly, his fists clenched once more as the fear and guilt, self recrimination and panic, bubbling rage and frustration that he had been repressing in front of the Hokage rose to almost overwhelming levels.

"I need to not go home. I need to keep moving. I need- I need to beat the shit out of something."

Without a hint of judgement, Gai gestured in front of him, "come, my Rival. In my search I saw many training grounds not in use. You do not need to hold back against me; we can fight until we bleed and can no longer continue."

* * *

 _Do you want more Kakashi making people shit their pants?_

 _How aware do you think Gai's Genin team should be of this situation? How should they find out/should they find out at all? What about getting involved? Or should they just see things going on from the outside that affect Gai but don't understand what?_

 _I really wanted to write the Kakashi making Anbu brick themselves scene longer, but if I extended it any further Kakashi was gonna attack someone and then derail the whole thing._

 _Also let's have some appreciation for Gai, because Gai just enters every scene he's in like 'how can I make everything a bit better?'_

 _I wish I'd been able to include Tenzō more but every time I tried he reacted like 'are you insane? I'm not saying anything when Taichou's this mad. I just need someone to give my anxious little heart orders to follow right now.'_

 _Genma on the other hand was of the opinion that 'yeah, the Bastard's murderous in my presence. Tell me something new. Oh, it's aimed at other people? Yeah I still gotta stop him from committing murder like always.'_


	45. Chapter 45

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I'm so pleased you guys enjoyed Papa Kakashi being intimidating and proactively looking for Sonaru

More of that to come probably. There will be a far more equal balance of Kakashi-and-co. and Sonaru pov chapters than last section.

I haven't been able to go through this and check for really stupid mistakes because I wrote most of it during lunch at work. Gtg work now.

Enjoy!

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 44 - She Feels No Control**

It was difficult to hate someone who was nothing but gentle with me.

Impossible actually.

I'd almost have preferred it if Kuchisake was brusque and impersonal in my imprisonment. The constant strokes to my hair, and arms around me, the casual nudges, stray strands tucked away from my eyes by callused fingers, and kisses to the top of my head - they all served to relax me despite my desire to remain on guard.

I had always been incredibly weak to positive reinforcement. I was mildly disgusted at how regular kind words and platonic physical intimacy had me perking up like a fucking dog, but mostly I was resigned to it. It was a product of my upbringing, I knew, and not one I could easily undo.

[Current state of human interaction in an otherwise uncertain environment increasing the onset of Stockholm syndrome]

I quickly became familiar with the sugary smell of Kuchisake's breath from constantly eating hard sweets, the scent of rain on her skin, the constant hues of old and new blood that seemed to fit hand in hand with most shinobi, and the periodic hints of sex.

I spoke little unless prompted, more concerned with watching everything I could and learning both the culture and rules of the place, as well as a way I could escape. This was difficult when I was almost entirely confined to one room, with only one person to interact with.

During the day I was either left alone with little stimulation while Kuchisake took care of her own business, which she saw no need to share the details of with me, or I was stuck in the presence of the scarred woman.

She told me to call her Shion, and I felt helpless to disobey in the face of my aims at building a sense of protective attachment in her toward me.

One of the things that stood out to me the most was the sheer tactility of the woman. People from Konoha as rule were not particularly physically demonstrative, and I knew my own relationship with DFB was slightly unusual in how casually affectionate we were with each other.

When she was in my vicinity, Shion was almost always initiating physical contact with me in some way, whether to twirl my hair in her fingers, or to hold my hand, or pull me onto her lap as she spoke to me. Initially the fact that she just assumed my positive reception toward her touching me annoyed me heavily, but there was little I could do about it without alienating her, and so very quickly I learned to barely pay attention to her habits.

Besides, the fact that I could feel the slight rasp of her toughened skin and her body heat meant that I wasn't absolutely bored out of my fucking mind, because these tangible sensations indicated there being another person around to entertain me.

She brought morning and afternoon meals back to the room - at least I had to assume that she brought the meals during those particular times because there weren't any clocks or windows to be able to tell. Dinner was the only time in the first three days stuck in that place during which I got any human contact outside of Shion.

Used to a day packed with activity as I was, the sudden ennui for vast sections of the day had my mind running in anxious and stressed circles round and round and round, so that by the time Shion got back from some of her longer tasks she found me restless, pacing and upset.

The association with her that began to implant itself in my mind of a reprieve from anxiety, loneliness and boredom was a slightly worrying one to have. I wanted her to be attached to me in order to keep me safe, the plan was not reciprocation on my part.

I didn't like the fact that she treated me as the young child I looked - that she insisted on helping me dress and wash despite my claims that I was capable of doing so by myself. I didn't like that even after days I still didn't know where I was or why I was here. I didn't like that sometimes she said things that were a touch too possessive or familiar for my comfort. I didn't like that she seemed hyper aware of her own looks to the point of near obsessiveness.

She liked me to confirm to her that she was pretty. I had to confirm that her lashes were long and thick, or that her hair was silky and flattering to her face, that her clothes accentuated her figure, her Glasgow-smile scars didn't detract from the deep rouge on her lips, that her white-grey eyes were captivating rather than frightening, that despite her muscles her frame was petite and dainty looking. All these things and more she asked me about multiple times a day.

In turn she was almost covetous of the refined arch in my nose, the unique purple-red hues in my eyes, the softness of my hair, the doe eyed look my lids gave me, the sweet roundness of my face and cheeks, the colour and shape of my lips, the light dusting of freckles on my shoulders - unusual in the Elemental Nations.

But despite all of my complaints, these things were dwarfed by the relief her presence brought from my own thoughts, interrupting their self cannibalising nature when I became stressed and unable to do anything about it.

Kuchisake Shion had a particular habit that stood out to me above the rest; her regular eating of hard sweets often had her holding a few in her hand for long enough that they melted slightly, making her skin sticky. After finishing them, she would apply a suiton jutsu to her mouth in order to wash the sugar off her tongue, then lick away at her entire hand - almost like an animal cleaning itself.

With her compulsively touching me, I often had sweet smelling saliva streaks on my shoulders and neck and cheeks. Initially the fact that her spit was layered on my skin like splashes of paint had my gorge rising and my stomach churning. I hated that I smelt like her so strongly due to this, and even after a bath I usually only had a few minutes of peace before spit slick hands were brushing against me again.

When I pointed out to her that she was getting her saliva on me, in a carefully childish manner, the flash of satisfaction across her face had me realising that this was an intentional habit cultivated into absentmindedness. It was like she was scent marking me, claiming me as hers.

The realisation had me shuddering in unease. It was what I wanted, but it didn't mean I had to like it.

* * *

On the fourth day of captivity, on the verge of literally crawling up the walls, Shion entered the room, her head dipped and her face pinched. She closed the door behind her and for a few seconds she leaned her forehead against the metal, taking deep breaths. She then turned to me, her carefully reassuring smile had me instantly wary.

I sat up fully from where I had been propping myself on my elbows at the end of the bed, watching with apprehension as she approached. She broadcasted in her body language something that wasn't quite fear, and wasn't quite reluctance, but probably might as well have been in that it didn't bode well for me.

"Shion? Are you okay?" I asked timidly. Her face softened and she crouched down on the floor in front of me, hands wrapping around my waist and ribcage to pull me onto her lap as she turned and sat with her back against the bed frame.

There was a moment of getting comfortable while she manoeuvred me to straddle her lap in order to look me in the eye, one hand coming up to card through my hair.

She controlled her expression to convey assurance when she opened her mouth, and had I been a child or possibly a teenager I would have been convinced, but I saw the slight lines on the scars by her mouth, under her eyes, and on her forehead which conveyed the doubt and concern she tried to hide with her smile.

"I'm fine, sweet thing, don't you worry about me. Now I know you've been a bit bored in here with nothing to do, and so today we're going to talk to the very important man who runs this place and see if he'll let me go out and buy you some clothes and books and toys. He's very interested in meeting you, but he's also a very busy man.

"He may have some questions to ask you or some instructions for you. Answer him politely and try to keep the answers short, because you don't want to annoy him."

Perhaps realising that she might have made me even more concerned, she quickly assured me with a stroke to my cheek, "don't you worry, you'll do fine."

[Further confirmation of intentional targeting of Sona]

The fact that I still didn't know what they thought was so special about me had me feeling unprepared for meeting this guy. I didn't know what he was looking for and I didn't know whether I wanted to give it to him or not. I felt revoltingly powerless.

"What's his name?" I inquired.

"Call him Nagao-taichou, and make sure you bow properly when you enter. Like this," Kuchisake got to her feet and demonstrated, bowing far lower than someone of Sona's status was supposed to for most people in the Elemental Nations.

Seemed like this man had delusions of grandeur. Unless he was secretly royalty, which I highly doubted.

"When are we going?"

"Now," she replied with a touch of nervousness, pulling the small indoor shoes she'd managed to get her hands on out from under the bed- still a size too big but at least that made me wobble and shuffle like a normal graceless civilian child without effort on my part.

She bent down to help me put my shoes on and tie my laces, speaking with a level of seriousness she'd never used before toward me, "Don't look him directly in the eyes for too long, don't fidget or wander off, don't touch anything even if you're bored. Stay standing quietly where I put you, and don't follow me if I move around the room," she guided my chin up with a finger to look directly at her, "It's important to remember not to speak unless you're spoken to by Nagao-taichou first. You do exactly what he says no matter what he asks you even if I've told you something different."

Her white-grey orbs flicked from side to side as she examined me in the eyes for a few seconds, not taking her finger from my chin, and then her features warmed and she leaned in to kiss me on the forehead.

Except she didn't lift her face. The breath from her nose was hitting me too low, curling into my nostrils, and there was malleable skin and flesh and warmth moulding around and flattening my own lips, the edges of her raised scars pushed gently against a portion of my cheeks, the seams of our mouths misaligned slightly and I could feel a small dot of wet that cooled rapidly on my upper lip when she pulled away.

I shuddered inside and viciously fought the urge to scrub at that wet dot with my sleeve until the skin was red from friction. I wanted to grab some soap and water and wash my face and then the inside of my mouth just in case.

I swallowed thickly and my imagination cruelly supplied me with the image of some of her saliva going down my throat. All it would take was one accidental press of my lips together, or wetting of my lips with my tongue and her spit would be in my mouth.

I wasn't really sure how I felt about parents kissing their children on the lips. My parents had both done it, and while it hadn't damaged me in any way, I'd found it gross to be on the receiving end of then and I found it gross now.

This woman was not my mother.

I tensed my stomach to prevent it from heaving, and waited frozen while she held my face in both hands with a fond smile, "you're so beautiful. You remind me so much of my little raindrop. She was just like you."

As she stood, I gave into the urge to scrub at my lips quickly with my head ducked down. She held her hand out to me, two of her fingers to my whole hand, and made her way to the door, taking care to account for my little stumbling footsteps. I was convinced I could still feel a cold spot on my top lip when we left the room.

I determinedly purged the experience from my mind and focussed on the new twists and turns we were taking. Just like on the way to dinner, all the doors were the same metal, all of them closed. The halls didn't change in width or design, and although different sections smelt slightly differently - I guessed depending on who frequented them - I wasn't familiar with enough the scents to put a picture together in my mind. All I could do was memorise the route.

Finally after five minutes of twisty corners and clinal corridors, Kuchisake stopped in front of a door and knocked smartly against it. The way she automatically tugged me behind her afterward combined with her previous warnings told me everything I needed to know about this man.

A few tense seconds of waiting, and the door was opened by a man I wouldn't call attractive, but could be classified as handsome. He had a professionally polite smile on his face and eyes a washed out blue colour that stared both impenetrably and sharply at us.

We bowed too low. He barely inclined his head.

"Shion, come in," he stood aside, looking down at me, his smile unwavering, "and the child, of course."

Despite her previous displays of tense anxiety, at Nagao-Taichou's appearance she beamed, her shoulders subtly moving back- arching in order to push her tits out, her head tilting in coy flirtation and an extra flick to her hips as she walked past, keeping herself between me and him.

I trailed behind her half a step, enough to see his hand land on her lower back to guide her, before he closed the door.

I looked around the room with blatant curiosity craning my head round in a swivel. It was obviously an office, and obviously a man's office at that. It was personalised in a way our room wasn't, with a dark wooden desk unnecessarily large enough that I assumed he'd chosen it to serve as a metaphor for the size of his dick.

Everything was incredibly neat and orderly, the pens aligned and the art work on the walls perfectly picked and placed to suit the colour scheme and tone of the rest of the furniture. The chairs were expensive, with his chair larger and more comfortable than the others.

I noticed he didn't offer either of us a seat, and took one of the smaller seats on the side of the desk closest to us, leaving only one viable place to sit. We stayed standing.

His features were pleasant, if a little too perfect for any of his smiles to seem genuine. His hair was cut relatively short and far neater than almost anyone I had seen since my old life. It was dark brown, short at the sides and longer at the top, slicked back and to side. His clothes were also incredibly neat, formal trousers and shoes that were closed at the toe but not too dissimilar to shinobi sandals, his top half was a little more casual with an open jacket and grey shirt slightly unbuttoned.

Clean shaven, mid to late thirties, with only a one-centimetre scar crossing into his cupid's bow marring his visible skin.

He leaned forward, eyes roving from her to me intently and his hands clasped loosely together between his knees, "So this is the child."

"Igarashi Sona, yes," Kuchisake confirmed.

"And you told her..."

"That we were hired by her parents to rescue her from a kidnapping and she's to stay here until the entire thing is solved. I did."

She was obviously just informing him of the lie she'd told me, but the ruse they were trying to lay down would have probably worked on a young child.

"Of course," he agreed dismissively, not taking his eyes off me in his uncomfortably assessing manner. His was completely unaffected by my perceived age, and the way he eyed me made me suspect he saw me less as a human and more as a thing to be used for whatever purpose I was taken for.

"How old are you?" He asked me, the corners of his lips tilting up in a smile, but there was something wrong about it.

After a reassuring glance at Shion I held my hands behind my back hiding the tight fists they were clenched into and answered, "three, sir."

"And your father is named Igarashi Saburo and your mother Igarashi Kumiko?"

I paused for half a beat before I nodded.

[Personal information memorised by most senior member of facility suggests Sona is considered of high importance. Perhaps specifically in regard to her parentage]

"Yes, Nagao-taichou."

If I'd been kidnapped due to parents I didn't actually have, I was going to be so pissed off.

"Information about your father and his clan is fairly easy to come by, but there's not much on your mother. Tell me, what do you know about her family?"

[Claiming ignorance and young age should prevent being caught on a lie at a later date]

I fidgeted uncertainly and looked up at him shyly, "I don't know, I'm sorry. She doesn't talk about her family to me."

To my consternation, my answer had a pleased look crossing his face. He leaned forward even further until there was no way I'd be able to move out of the way in time if he physically lashed out, assuming he was Jōnin level.

"Tell me about her. What does she look like? Does she look like you?"

I remembered the written description I had briefly seen of both Igarashi parents when DFB was showing me how to flesh out the documentation on false Konoha civilian identities, which were set up in order to provide historical evidence of a paper trail when shinobi went undercover.

"She has light purple hair, and she has grey eyes and she doesn't look much like me," I kept my voice quiet but clear, more concerned about why he wanted to know these things.

"Does she love you? Is she kind to you?"

Sona's background was of a very close relationship to her father as his sole child and heir, and a much more distant relationship to her mother who had frail health and kept to herself in her room a lot. It was done so to prevent me from having to make up details of a completely non existent maternal relationship.

"She's not around much. She likes to stay in her room and wait for Tou-san to come back from work and spend time with her. She gets sick a lot and she doesn't have the energy to spend time with me," I injected a small amount of sadness into my voice.

"She doesn't look like you and she doesn't like to expend any effort on you," he concluded, far too satisfied.

What was the point of confirming that, though?

[Seeking evidence of a weak relationship to more easily break emotional links with maternal figure?]

"What of your father, you look like him?" He sounded expectant this time.

"Yes, sir."

"He spends time with you, too, I presume."

"Yes, lots, sir."

"Just as I thought," Nagao murmured to himself with a victorious tint to his words.

[Seeking evidence of negligent mothering? Positive response to close paternal links suggests not seeking to replace weak parental bonds. What significance does lack of maternal family records, lack of physical resemblance to mother and lacking effort mother puts into child have? Potential belief that Igarashi Kumiko is not biological mother. Potential conclusions made from this belief; unknown]

Nagao sat back with a thoughtful look on his face, and we stood there awkwardly watching him take his glass of water and drink from it languidly. When he was finished, he sat back and turned his attention to Kuchisake.

"Has she been seen to by medical, yet?"

Shion stiffened slightly next to me and shook her head, "they've delayed until tomorrow."

"Well that's no good," a too-smooth sound entered his voice and I heard Shion's breath hitch, after a tense pause he continued, "I'll have a word with them and see if we can free up some space for this evening."

She breathed out quietly and relaxed, and I saw out of the corner of my eye as her posture shifted until suddenly her hips and tits and arse and waist were that much more noticeable.

Nagao certainly did miss it either, and his eyes sharpened while his lips twitched upward, but otherwise he didn't react.

"Their delay has been difficult to deal with, but I've done my best. She's a well behaved little thing, but she's still a child and she gets bored quickly. Since you've agreed to let me take responsibility for her, it would help me to distract her with some books and maybe a few toys. I could get her clothes while I'm out, too," as she spoke she slowly and almost tentatively made her way toward him step by step.

It wasn't until she was standing right in front of him that he finally moved in anyway, merely watching like he'd been enjoying her perform for him before that point.

He reached out a confident hand and placed it on Kuchisake's hip, his legs widening as he guided her to sit on his thigh so she could easily turn to see both of us. One hand stayed on her waist, and the other was placed possessively on her outer thigh, running his fingers lightly up and down.

Shion relaxed back into his hold, a smug grin tugging at her scars.

"Now then," he breathed, lust fogging his words, "that sounds like a time consuming task. If you're shopping, you're not working for me."

His hand settled firmly, cupping her thigh, and her cheeks reddened, her breath hitching for an entirely different reason.

I wanted to close my eyes and look away but I wasn't supposed to understand what I was seeing. Discomfort squirmed in my gut, but I was stuck there as an unwilling voyeur to their seduction - badly disguised as power play.

Even if I had been a child I would have seen something was off about what they were doing, if not the words to explain it. As it was I bit my tongue harshly, barely keeping myself frozen in one spot and preventing myself from fidgeting unhappily.

"I'm sure I can make the time up to you," her voice had gone high pitched and airy, and she was certainly not holding herself back from fidgeting. I fixedly kept my mind from thinking on why she was wriggling ever so slightly like that, and carefully prevented the embarrassed and anxious blood from rushing to my face and giving my horrified discomfort away.

"Right now?" He confirmed roughly, sounding like he was challenging her. She paused for a second, and he added, "a couple suiton bunshin can take her back."

"O-okay."

I cleared my mind and counted careful breaths, looking blankly and unseeingly while they both made a water clone and had them direct me from the room.

On the edge of my thoughts I pondered on my chances of destroying the clones and making my escape while Shion and Nagao were busy, but there was no chance of me successfully taking them both on at once.

Instead, I docilely let them lead me back to my room, and with another kiss to my lips the metal door was shut behind me.

I forced myself not to think about the fact that Shion's clone was kissing me while her real body was doing the same and more to Nagao.

Was this the way that people got by, beyond the bare basics here? Fucking their superiors? Or was it just Kuchisake?

Goosebumps covered me and I briskly rubbed my arms. I felt ill and cold - not just because of what I'd been made to watch, but because I knew with sick certainty that while this immature body wasn't fully capable of it yet, had I been in an adult form my flesh would reacted to the display despite myself.

I knew from the tightening in my gut that was more pain than pleasure, the fizzing feeling in my blood, and the flush I was still denying from existence.

It wasn't arousal, but I felt like it might as well have been from the betrayal running through me at this body.

* * *

Hours later, when I had given up on Kuchisake coming back to take me to dinner and lay silently in the bed, the metal door opened. I heard her enter. I didn't open my eyes.

The mattress dipped behind me and I was pulled backward into her embrace. She was still slightly damp, and she smelt of Nagao, sweat and sex. Her humid breath hit my ear as she sighed tiredly and relaxed into the mattress.

I prevented myself from tensing or wriggling away from her.

"I'm leaving this evening after dinner to buy you some things," she whispered. Even her breath smelt like him.

"Thank you," I replied quietly, not sure if I was being genuine or not. She'd done that for me, but she'd done it in a completely fucked up way. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about it.

"You're welcome, sweet thing. Come on, let's go and eat."

She gave me a fond squeeze, then leaned over and kissed me in the corner of the mouth. My stomach roiled and I quickly swallowed to keep the vomit down.

* * *

 _Impressions of two of the few significant OCs during this section?_

 _What are your opinions of Kuchisake Shion's behaviour and actions toward Sonaru?_


	46. Chapter 46

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This chapter could have been around 3000 words longer, but I cut it in half to get this out earlier. Next half will be whenever I can get it out.

You guys have such mixed feelings about Kuchisake Shion, sounds like some of you like her and some of you hate her and I'm so pleased that she's had that effect. I tried to flesh out her character to make her more realistic as I wrote her because OCs that are completely flat are very disappointing, since there's no canon we can use to fill in the gaps in our imagination.

I did get a bit side tracked in this chap tbh which is why I had to cut it in half. I haven't fully read through it so I may go back and fiddle around with the details a bit if it doesn't read as well to me tomorrow

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 45 - All Too Much**

Despite the late hour, I still wasn't asleep by the time Shion got back with her shopping that night, finding it near impossible to sleep without the sound of someone breathing next to me.

She unpacked in a girlish frenzy, and I was hit with a strong pang of nostalgia for all the times my mother would come home with some ridiculous cream or dress or pair of heels I didn't need with far more excitement than I could ever muster for clothes.

She didn't comment on the fact that I should have been asleep. She didn't make a mothering move toward me. She just looked up at me with light eyes and an impish grin on her face that crinkled her scars awkwardly, and told me she'd probably spent far more than she should have.

The expression pulled at her features and removed that inhuman and beautiful quality they usually had, making her appear as a happy and silly thing, taking simple delight in the impulsive buys she'd made.

I was tired and made soft by it; I didn't have it in me to try to see all of her least favourable qualities. I didn't have it in me to pretend anything that night. It was exhausting trying to hold tight to enmity for her at the same time as pretending I felt none outwardly.

"Young children's books are in all the shops that sell literature, but I know you're far too smart for them, sweet thing," she chattered on to herself, eyes darting back to me a few times a minute with the most unthinking and authentic pleasure I'd seen from her so far, "so I looked a bit longer and I have to admit I found myself in the strangest shops at times. Although anyone who likes shopping knows you can find the best things in the hidden places.

"I got a bit carried away but I just thought you deserved some spoiling. And I got you games I thought you could have fun with by yourself and with company. Some of them might be a bit easy for you but others I know you'll like."

She looked so young, flitting about chattering, like a girl half her age. A smile pulled itself helplessly at my lips as I watched her silently and my heart clenched at the bitter sweet sight. I saw, in her uncomplicated enjoyment, a version of her she could have been - maybe someone she used to be. Someone far more innocent and unburdened.

It felt like a tragedy getting to witness something I was too late to really appreciate, because she was already too fucked up to maintain this person I was watching. It was like a glimpse at a memory that would fade again soon, like I was seeing proof of the innocent kid who got hurt so much she turned into the Kuchisake I was familiar with.

In a fit of impulsive, self-destructive compassion, I chose to indulge in Shion's mood with honest participation.

I 'ooh'd and 'aah'd over the unexpectedly good books she'd found for me, impressed by her shopping skills. I thanked her for the shogi and go boards, and the card pack, and then I spent over an hour dancing about with her as we tried on clothes, reciting silly poems and jokes we knew, and then wrinkling half the brand new clothes in a rough and tumble tickle fight, until we were red in the face and breathless with laughter.

In the early hours of the morning, tucked tight next the sleeping woman, I allowed myself to feel the deep sorrow festering inside me at the unrealised potential in Shion. The kind, open, content person I knew she could have been and never would be.

* * *

Despite her words to Nagao, and the dread curling in my stomach all day, there was no further mention of medical, and beyond dinner like usual I saw no one but Shion.

That evening when she ran a bath for me, Kuchisake fetched a pumice stone and some sort of salts, too. She washed me in the bucket like usual, but then instead of stripping naked and soaking with me in a skin-crawling farce of bathing at home with DFB, she wrapped me in a towel and poured the dirty water down the sink drain before refilling it from the tub. She then poured the salt into the bucket and swished it around.

After a minute or so, she placed the bucket back on the floor, picked me up in my towel and sat down next to the bucket with me held in her lap. I leaned back, looking up at her in confusion, and her scars stretched as she smiled, but the expression on her face was strange.

"We need to soak your hands in the water," she informed me, unusually reticent in her explanation.

"Why?" I frowned a little, but allowed her to pull my arms and direct my hands into the salty water.

"Because the hot water and salts should soften your hands. After that we'll gently go at them with the pumice stone."

A warning prickle had the hair on the back of my neck standing on end, and my heart picked up pace before my conscious mind had even started putting the pieces together.

"Why are we doing that?" I couldn't prevent the trepidation from touching my words, and I knew she heard me.

"You have shinobi training."

I tensed and immediately went to pull away from her, panic screaming in my mind. I was caught completely off guard and all I knew was that I had to get away _now_.

But she had her arm wrapped firmly around my waist pinning me to her, and her other hands had my wrists caught, keeping them in the water.

I struggled futilely for a few seconds, fear mounting as I realised I was stuck.

"Shhh, sweet thing," she soothed quietly, the calm tone and relaxed muscles had me cautiously stilling. I felt her breath on the back of my neck moments before soft lips gently pressed against the skin there.

My heart pattered away with fright and I breathed heavily, like a small animal that knew there was nothing it could do once caught.

Her lips stayed brushing softly back and forth against the back of my neck as she made soothing noises, her nose pressing into my hair inhaling and exhaling slowly.

An inch at a time, I found myself settling back into her body, my breathing slowing to match hers, my mind relaxing from its alarm - gradually fading into surprise then acceptance and then something more dreamlike.

I sat, dimly staring forward minutes that seemed almost timeless I breathed back into Kuchisake while she held my hands in the warm water and the tip of her nose stroked neck rhythmically as she swayed her head gently from side to side.

Finally she whispered into my neck, her lips tickling me where they moved, "Why did you panic, hmm? If your father wants you to be a kunoichi when you're older, there's nothing wrong with starting your training early."

Shit, I forgot for a moment that I was Sona here, not Subaru. Sona might want to be a shinobi one day, or maybe Sona's parents wanted it for her. They were, after all, part of a civilian clan that worked closely with the shinobi clans.

"It's a secret," my voice wobbled.

"That's okay. I won't tell anyone. I can't hide the scars on your hands, but they're faint enough that most people won't notice them. You have tougher skin on your hands than a normal civilian girl should, though.

"Others will put you into training with the bigger kids if they know you have some training. You might get taken away from me. So we'll see how soft your hands can get in a few days, and I'll teach you to suppress your chakra so it doesn't get any bigger, because you have a fair amount for a little girl."

I kicked myself mentally for not keeping my chakra to civilian levels. If I'd suppressed it before Shion had entered the room that first time, I might have gotten away with my inability to do so when unconscious. It was too late now and I was furious with myself for my mistakes.

I mutely nodded my head, tight fear, relief and intense gratitude warring in my chest. This wasn't something she could hold above my head because she wanted the information to stay quiet almost as much as I did.

After the bath, she practically bathed my hands in moisturiser, and then rubbed the cream onto the rest of the skin as well, cooing over the freckles and small proportions to my distracted displeasure.

Just like before, there was no mention of medical the day after- merely a lot of moisturiser on my hands marking it as anything special - and the day after that as well. I was confused and anxious, but worried that saying anything would provoke Kuchisake into taking me there, so I kept my silence.

Eight days after my kidnapping and I still didn't know what the fuck was going on. Days were slipping far too quickly when they were filled with so little and I felt a building need for something to happen. Anything that would prove I wasn't just here to stay.

* * *

I lay with my head placed on a pillow in Kuchisake's lap. She sat cross legged on the bed, her fingertips scraping lightly across my scalp had me boneless while she read out loud to me.

I felt heavy and lethargic with food from lunch, and although sleep eluded me I kept my eyes closed and pleasantly drifted. When she'd seen my unrelenting anxiety diminish my appetite once more, Shion had commanded me to get comfortable and focus on nothing but the feel of the bed sheets underneath me, the fingers going through my hair, and her voice while she read.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been there, lost as I was in the story to the point that I could no longer hear the individual words. It was nice, though, and for the first time I could completely ignore the urge in the back of my head that unrelentingly whispered 'escape escape escape escape'.

However long or short a time I had been lying there, though, it felt far too quick a rest when an abruptly loud knock reverberated through the metal door, jolting me out of my daydreaming.

I sat up in surprise, turning to look at Shion when it didn't open immediately. She eyed the door with knowing dread, her face pale and pinched. She bit her bottom lip harshly enough that for a second I wondered if it would bleed. Her breathing wobbled for half a second, and then she inhaled deeply with her eyes closed, holding, exhaling in a whoosh as her expression crumpled into something pained and resigned and resolute.

She touched my arm and spoke, still staring at the door, "Stay here, sweet thing."

The knock came again, louder and more demanding.

She gracefully got off the bed and stood with an authority to her that belied the emotions I knew she had been battling with internally just seconds ago.

I watched her with a blank face, hiding my concern, while she marched determinedly to the door and pulled it open.

"Yes?" She asked archly, a sensual caress to her words that informed me of the gender of our unexpected visitor.

"Nagao-taichou will see you in his office," came the low, brusque reply.

There was a beat before she replied, "very well, let me get my shoes."

"And the child."

"Pardon?"

"He wants you to bring the child."

An even longer pause occurred, and I saw her brief dismayed expression, before she gathered herself with a straightening of her shoulders and a short nod.

She turned to me, her features folding into something that was too upset to be comforting, "Get our shoes from under the bed, sweet thing."

I scrambled to do as tasked, while Kuchisake blatantly used her position in the door frame to prevent the man from entering, staring him down all the while with an arm reached out blindly behind her for me to place the shoes in.

By the time we were both making our way toward Nagao, Shion had chased the man off before I managed to get more than a quick look at him and had proceeded to hold my hand with a worryingly tight and clammy grip.

It was an uneasy silence that lay heavy between us as we walked, Shion staring rigidly ahead and me barely keeping up with her pace. When we reached Nagao's office she hastily turned to me, and knelt down, tilting my face up with careful fingers.

"Do you remember what I told you last time?" Her voice was sad and urgent at the same time, and a shiver of dread ran up my spine.

I nodded warily and with a pained smile she pecked my lips before standing upright to face the door. Her arm raised tentatively to knock, but froze at the last second. She bit her lip harshly again and huffed through her nose, before screwing her eyes shut and quickly knocking on the metal.

I could see the small beads of sweat gathering across the bridge of her nose, and stared at the door with a building sense of foreboding. Whatever was going on, clearly Kuchisake didn't think she could fuck her way out of it.

The door swung open and I was dragged down into a deep bow before I could get a look at Nagao. I straightened before Kuchisake did, and I realised she was apologising for something.

Nagao maintained a polite and empty smile on his face, looking down at Kuchisake impassively with eyes like flint.

"Shion. Come in," his voice had that too-smooth quality I'd caught a glimpse at last time, and this time I knew it spelt trouble. Despite every instinct screaming at me to do the opposite, I followed the pull of Kuchisake's hand and entered the room.

My adrenaline spiked and my eyes darted quickly around the room in a conditioned instinct to take in whatever I could utilise in the room if shit went down.

[Pens on desk - too far away. Sharpened pencils - chakra required to reach them will give away indication of hidden skill and remove surprise required to successfully take down Jōnin. Potentially two Jōnins.

Decorative weapons on wall - out of reach without chakra. Sake bottle under desk judging from scent of air - flammability? Uncertain - Chūnin throwing skills most likely asset to succeed. With minimised distance filled bottle may stun long enough to reduce distance to initiate raiton jutsu stun.

Inefficient skill to take down two hostile shinobi above Genin level. Most likely plan to survive if violent action against person is taken: deflect danger onto Kuchisake and take out remaining enemy through raiton jutsu. Once stunned apply chakra supported force upward against the nose to kill and then formulate escape]

Kuchisake stood stiff beside me when the closed with an ominous thud, and Nagao traced a half circle around us with his hands held behind his back in a deceptively casual manner.

"Nagao-taichou, I-" Shion began in a soft voice filled with uncertainty.

"I spoke to medical today," Nagao interrupted, sounding light and unbothered, as though he was just speaking his musings out loud. His posture reflected this sentiment, and if he weren't circling us like a shark I may have relaxed from my wary mindset.

"The child hasn't been to see them. I was told there were 'further delays'," he pinned Shion to the spot with his cold stare, her head bowed under the weight of her fear as she she trembled silently.

"I'm thinking to myself after I hear this news that surely this can't be right. After all, Kuchisake Shion herself is overseeing the progress of this child and she wouldn't be so ineffective as to allow 'further delays', not after I mentioned the problem to her personally," he laughed like the idea was ludicrous, smiling with false warmth that faded into a cruel amusement. He didn't even seem to notice her shaking.

"So I'm thinking to myself, well maybe Shion has lost her respect for me. Maybe she doesn't take my word seriously," his dull blue eyes were inhuman in their apathetic callousness, and even as his face sagged into a grimace he was handsome.

"Maybe I have given her too many concessions. Too much kindness. A man cannot be too kind and still expect his subordinates to respect him, after all," there was a fraught pause and the fear in the room thickened until I was sure I could taste it in the back of my throat.

He stalked slowly and languidly up to Shion's quivering form, never breaking eye contact, his breath fluttering through her hair slightly where it fell in her face in increasingly damp strands as it touched her sweaty skin.

His hands slid up her side, round the curve of her breasts, across her collarbones, skimming up her neck to hold her face in his hands as a lover would. They shared air for long seconds, hers stuttering out of her as she stared a thousand yard stare of mindless terror, his intimate as he dipped his head toward her but just as equally dispassionate from the glint of predatory insanity in his face.

I stood there momentarily forgotten by both of them, my chest barely moving and desperate not to make any noise. I was captivated by the horror I felt as I watched the train wreck occurring right on front of me.

"I treat you special because you are special to me and surely there's nothing wrong with that, I'm arguing with myself," he murmured as though it were a love confession, "You are beautiful and I like touching you. I like tasting you. I like the way you smell, and the way you... I like you. I hold superiority of position here. No one tells me that I can't do what I want with you, so surely there is nothing wrong with treating you special as I desire?

"But then, I'm reminding myself, if that were the case then why doesn't Shion heed my words as a respectful subordinate should?" His forehead pressed against hers and he smoothed her hair away from her face as she shook, her eyes never moving from the spot she looked at in frozen fear.

"Maybe I've given her too much, I consider. She asks for the new children, and so I give her the new children. It takes up time, but she's good with them and she keeps them from bothering others while they adjust.

"She asks for full access to all the children, and so I give her full access. She spends more time taking care of them than doing her other duties, but she takes the soft ones under her care and they begin lasting long enough to toughen up, which gives us a better yield.

"But next she asks for the badly behaved children, and I hesitate because she won't have time for any other duties, but she looks so pretty when she begs and the children can still physically work after she disciplines them, so I give her the badly behaved children.

"And then she asks for a special child, to keep all for her own, kept separate from the others. This, I think, will take up too much time. But then again, Shion is special to me, and so is the child, so I grant her the child," he stroked her scars with his thumbs as her chest juddered.

"Surely, when I have given Shion everything she asks for, she would respect me enough to carry out my wishes. But I discover that the badly behaved children have not been disciplined since they returned from their training, and I discover the soft children have been languishing without attention, and Igarashi Sona has yet to be taken to medical," he closed his eyes and his lips intimately caressed her quivering ones in a mockery of a kiss as he spoke.

"How can I convince myself I am respected when I know this, I'm thinking to myself. Maybe I should be harsh again, maybe then she will respect me. Maybe I'll stop her from seeing the children, or maybe I'll punish her favourites in front of her. I'm wondering if I should beat Shion instead, I'm wondering if maybe I should replace Shion," his face mashed against her in something that couldn't possibly be affection, squishing her lips disturbingly against his teeth as he talked, still a quiet and almost romantic murmur.

"I'm wondering if I should ask Shion to my office with her precious child and beat the child in front of her. I'm wondering if I should beat the child to death in front of her and make her bury it," Shion's cheeks crinkled ever so slightly, but it looked agonised as unacknowledged tears spilled over her lashes and down her cheeks, disappearing between their mess of lips. My blood chilled and I couldn't swallow from a mouth dry with fright.

Nagao smiled suddenly, without humour, and he pulled his face away from Shion, his gaze flickering over her in soft madness, brushing his knuckles against her cheekbone as his other hand slid down to her collarbone, "But then I'm reminding myself that Kuchisake is a woman. She can't help herself that she takes advantage of my kindness. She is more woman than anyone I know and so I can't blame her for being helpless against her own nature.

"Just this once, I'm telling myself, I can forgive her for her attempt at pushing her boundaries. I can forgive her for disobeying me."

The noise she released was a quiet, hysterical sob of terror and relief, sweat dripping down her face and neck, hair tangled and frizzing from the heat of her own stress, chest heaving in an uneven pattern.

He nodded in confirmation, with the smile of a benevolent megalomaniac, "I forgive you," he whispered.

She still hadn't said a word, unable to prevent the tremors from wracking her body. He took slow steps back, never taking his eyes off her as though appreciating a work of art from a distance. He reached into a drawer of his desk and pulled out a bottle of water, before using the liquid to create a suiton bunshin.

"This will escort you back to the room," he looked at me for the first time since he began talking, and I quailed inside at the void of compassion or empathy or anything I could recognise in his eyes.

I couldn't wait to get out of sight from Nagao, and bowed, caught between getting it over with as quickly as possible so I could escape and dragging it out for much longer to appease him. Kuchisake limply took my hand, not looking at me, and mindlessly turned toward the door. She pulled it open, the clone filing out in front, and then I was nudged forward to leave the room. I did so eagerly.

As soon as I cleared the doorway, her loose grasp was abruptly pulled from my hand and I turned back in blank surprise. Nagao had hold of her wrist, preventing her from exiting, and she turned to him with acute horror.

"I forgive you, but a man who is too kind loses respect," he smiled politely, before his other arm swung round at blinding speeds and struck her in the chest. I heard a horrific crack and she slammed mercilessly to the floor with a choked gurgle. She curled in on herself, lying on her side and I saw his foot pull back for a harsh kick just as Shion sucked in a ragged breath and released the start of a haunting wail.

The door shut in my face and the noise cut off. I still didn't move, my nose less than an inch from the metal.

A hand landed on my shoulder, and I jolted away from the door with a shocked cry. The clone watched me without sympathy.

"Come," it lightly commanded, gesturing in front it with an open arm. I hesitated for a moment, before moving past it swiftly in fear of being struck from behind, with my head ducked.

My hands were shaking, and I knew with a certainty that I didn't have long before the rest of me was shaking too much to function. I couldn't think.

I couldn't- I couldn't think. All I could do was see Shion crashing to the floor in my mind and imagine what might be occurring right at that moment to her. I felt a shadow of helplessness that there was nothing I could do, but above that I just felt blank. Uncomprehending and confused and shocked, but still somehow blank.

I didn't even notice the journey back to my room until I realised I was standing inside and I didn't know how long I had been there.

I felt cold, and the shivers were setting in as my teeth began to chatter. I dragged my numb feeling limbs toward the bed and sluggishly pulled the cover off, crawling under the bed and wrapping it all around me in a cocoon while I shook.

He was insane. I knew Kuchisake was crazy, but he was insane. I was surrounded by mad people whose thoughts and logic were inscrutable to me. I was so lost. I didn't know what to do.

I had never wished for Tou-san's help more.

* * *

 _Sooo that happened. Let me know how it changed you're views/confirmed your views on the characters or anything else!_

 _As you can imagine, much more of this and the rating will be going up. But then again that was the intention from the start._


	47. Chapter 47

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I wasn't entirely sure about how last chapter would be received so thank you for your amazing support and feedback!

I know a lot of you want to see more Kakashi, and don't worry he'll be getting a pov next chapter.

This chapter was a bitch to write, and I just couldn't get it down, so it ended up being written at ten completely different times. Then I couldn't smooth it all out to flow easily afterward and gave up. Let's just chalk it up to Sonaru taking a few days to get over last chapter with Nagao

So it doesn't flow nicely and that's annoying. I'm not too thrilled with this chapter as a result.

There is some character development on more OCs here. If you have no interest in them, don't worry they're not too important in the grand scheme of things and if you can't remember their names or anything about them, again - don't worry, if Sonaru had more of a choice with her memory I doubt she would either.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 46 - In The Company Of Strangers**

It had to have been hours that I spent curled up in a ball under the bed, unable to get warm and simply hiding from reality with disconnected thoughts.

Eventually though, the door opened and familiar footsteps stumbled in with none of the grace or finesse I associated with them. Shion's feet slid wearily against the floor as she seemed to propel herself slowly across the room through sheer force of will. I saw her feet turn as she sat heavily on the bed, and then there was no sound or movement for prolonged seconds. I heard a hitched sigh, before her long thin fingers appeared in order to scrabble mindlessly at her boots.

The fact that she managed to remove them from her feet was a miracle due to how unsteady her hands were. They plonked noisily onto the floor one after the other, followed by more prolonged silence.

"Sweet thing," her voice was hoarse and I didn't want to imagine how it had gotten like that. I could hear the click in her throat from how dry it was, "come out from under there."

I hesitated, reluctant to leave my 'safe space', and even more reluctant to see what had been done to her, but I didn't want to cause her any further difficulty and so I wriggled my way out from underneath the bed with the duvet trailing behind me.

I stood up on cautious legs and slowly lifted my head, only to be met with a weary but normal looking Shion. Confused, I scanned her for signs of the violence that been visited upon her body, but there was nothing.

She attempted a weak smile and me, and beckoned me forward, "come here. I'm tired, so why don't we do some more reading."

Unsure of what else to do, I took slow steps toward her until I was close enough for her to help me up onto the bed. She stiffly scooted to lean back against the headboard, picking up the book we had left next to the pillow before the afternoon had turned into a live horror show.

I watched her, unmoving, trying to see beyond the tired defeated look in her eyes -which hid itself well behind the unnerving white-grey colour- and the stiffness of her movements. She looked up at me once she'd flicked through the pages and found her place again, looking as though she didn't understand why I wasn't getting myself comfortable.

She placed a pillow in her lap, her legs crossed like the last time, and patted the pillow lightly, "lay your head here, sweet thing."

I scanned her face intently, trying to figure out what was going on. Small signs of strain began to show itself on her expression the longer I looked, and I realised that she wanted me to carry on and pretend that the afternoon had never happened. Ignore it like she intended to.

If there was anything more useful that I could think of I would do it, but while I was stuck here, unable to even figure out how to make the fucking doors open for me, there was little else I could do to help.

So I dipped my eyes in acquiescence and shuffled on my knees until I could lay down with my head in her lap. The slightly fading scent of soap let me know she'd washed since I last saw her. It was better than the stink of dried sweat and old terror that I had expected. But mixing in with the soap, to my dismay, was the familiar Kuchisake scent of old blood and new blood and a hint of sex.

Did she sleep with him after he'd beaten the shit out of her? Did he rape her? Was this happening regularly and I just hadn't noticed because the wounds were hidden under clothes and they were healed by someone before we undressed and washed after dinner?

Her words sounded rough and dry, but she began to read from where she'd left off, regardless. I couldn't relax enough to fall into daydreams like before, and worries circled me accompanied by melancholy, but I held my pillow tight and took comfort from the fact that I could hear the proof of her continued life and feel the heat of her legs surrounding me.

I still disliked her sometimes, and if she died I didn't think I would mourn her, but I didn't want Shion to be beaten to death by the likes of Nagao. I didn't think she deserved that kind of ending. Besides, she was all I had here.

* * *

When dinner rolled around that evening, I noticed with bewilderment that Shion seemed to be slowly but surely radiating aggression like she was gearing up for a confrontation. It wasn't directed toward me in any way, and frankly the last time I had seen something like it in terms of body language was when Dad's old girlfriend went 'crazy ex' on his new girlfriend.

Immediately I knew there was a cat fight in the imminent future. Frankly I'd had enough of fighting and violence and aggression that I couldn't do anything about for the day, but that didn't mean I was in a position to change anything.

It was pretty obvious who she was preparing to argue with. There were very few people that Shion regularly interacted with, and the women at dinner who she sat with were some of the few females. Honestly they didn't even seem to like Kuchisake, but they put up with her most of the time in that horrid petty way that females sometimes did with other females.

It was like a mildly more grown up version of sitting in a school canteen with a bunch of bitchy teenage girls who were 'friends', but actually seemed to spend just as much time trying to mentally fuck with one another than be genuinely friendly with them.

Amongst them, unfortunately, Shion was definitely the outsider - the least welcome. At least with the other five, they stuck to together like a clique. Shion was like the ugly disabled girl that the rest of them allowed to hang out to make them feel simultaneously better about themselves and convince themselves of their own generosity -which was actually just contempt and pity- all the while sneering and laughing about her behind her back.

Except it also wasn't quite like that at all, because Shion was by far the most attractive one of the bunch, and she was also the only one out of them all who was a shinobi. It was instead an ostracism based upon badly hidden jealousy from what I could tell, which came out in a form of elitism that they all upheld in some manner - as the least educated one of the bunch, Kuchisake was the odd one out.

Even though they didn't say the words explicitly, I could tell that Kuchisake was looked down upon as a hot dumb slut, who got by on her looks to make up for her lack of brains. The ultimate cliche. They immediately invalidated most of what came out of her mouth as lacking in intelligence, and sneered at her for her inability to interact with a single male without trying to make him want to fuck her. It was even worse in their eyes that she actually succeeded most of the time in twisting men around her little finger, and it was unforgivable to them that she also had sex with them almost indiscriminately.

They were so caught up in their collective jealousy, hating her and wishing they had what she had and trying to convince themselves they were better than her because she wasn't particularly intelligent compared to the other women, that they completely missed the reason why Shion automatically flirted with and tried to seduce every guy out there.

I knew it because I'd seen it before; Kuchisake's self worth was entirely hinged upon other people wanting to screw her. She wasn't the most charming person out there. She definitely wasn't the smartest. She wasn't amazing when it came to her shinobi skills and was really only _just_ good enough at everything to class as a Jōnin, from what I could tell. She didn't have an illustrious career behind her full of amazing deeds. She wasn't the sanest person. She wasn't the most cunning. But she was very hot.

It was the thing that everyone noticed about her. The only thing that seemed to stick in their minds about her, and so she played it up. As the main thing worth anything about herself in her own eyes, every person who wanted to have sex with her and stared at her tits instead of looking at her face when they talked to her, or made a lewd comment about her arse when they walked passed her, or tried to get handsy with her was confirmation to her that she was worth something.

It made her obsessed with her looks, though, and as a sort of accessory of hers at times, she was almost as obsessed with mine. It didn't particularly endear her to the other women to say the least.

As soon as we entered the food hall Shion grabbed us a tray of food and then gunned for the table. The others watched her approach out the corners of their eyes with anticipation. Clearly they knew something of what had Shion so pissed.

She slapped the tray down with a clatter, and leaned forward over the table with a smile that was more of a sneer as she glared at Ike.

"Thank you, Ike, for not informing me that the children were back from training _days_ ago."

Ike arched a brow and jutted out her chin, "you're always so obsessed with them that I assumed I wouldn't have to. Don't you style yourself as some sort of mother to them?"

"I _am_ their mother," she hissed, suddenly looking a little unhinged. She collected herself for a second afterward, and leaned forward again, "so what, all of a sudden you just don't inform me of their return and assume I'll magically divine their presences on the other end of the compound? Don't make me laugh."

"Be careful what you imply, Shion," Ike primly gathered herself and made a show of eating her meal unbothered. I could tell though, in the slight curl of her shoulders, in the not quite relaxed set of her spine, in the mildly shifty glances between the other women on the table, that Ike had not forgotten who the only shinobi at the table was.

"No, _you_ be careful, Ike. Don't mess with me. Nagao-taichou is _not_ happy right now because you decided to act jealous that I have a special relationship with him and my very own child," she stabbed her chopsticks viciously at Ike and I bit back a grimace at her claim toward me.

Shion was wrong, they weren't jealous in the way she thought they were. They didn't want to fuck Nagao and they didn't want their own bundle of kids to be personally responsible for. Unfortunately though, she had worded her accusation just close enough to the truth that Ike and all the other women bristled defensively.

"You're just angry because you can't seduce your way out trouble, like always," Chou snidely butted in, a prissy smile tightening her features. Chou was small and slender looking, with wide hazel eyes and a cute strawberry-blonde bob. Her demeanour matched her looks most of the time, but she had revealed herself since I'd met her to be a petty bitch underneath that.

Shion glared at her fiercely, but turned back toward Ike - whose lips had perked upward at Chou's remark - without saying anything. She was still looking down at her food, eating primly, and her posture had straightened with confidence now that she had backup.

"You seem to forget, Ike, that your actions don't just affect you. You're part of a team," her gaze spanned the others hostilely, "you're all part of the same team. When one of you slips, you drag the others down with you. I'm the one who says nothing to Nagao-taichou about it when I see him."

Ike squared her shoulders and narrowed her eyes at Shion, " _you_ are responsible for the children's discipline. You took that upon yourself. It's not my fault that you failed your responsibility and then couldn't persuade Nagao-taichou to put his hands on you in the way you wanted."

Holy fuck. They all knew. They knew that Nagao beat the crap out of Kuchisake when he got mad, and went and dropped her in the shit anyway.

"This isn't about the children. This is about the fact that Chou-chan mislabelled the used needle bin and delayed medical by another four days while waiting for a new batch of clean ones. _I_ took the brunt of that because I knew it was an honest mistake. Like I said, Ike, Nagao-taichou isn't happy. I can change my mind and point fingers if you piss me off."

There was no guarantee that he wouldn't have beaten her with the delay (thank god) in medical, but the fact that Ike purposely made Shion mess up in her duties toward the kids, by not informing her that they were back from whatever training, and made the violence a certainty had me feeling sick.

These women disgusted me with their completely unnecessary bitchiness. I could have been killed because of these shallow cows' jealousy toward another person. It especially pissed me off that Shion had taken the fucking blame in the first place for medical's delay because she actually thought Chou was a nice woman, and 'if she would just see how mean Ike was she'd stop being such good friends and siding with her and she'd like me more, sweet thing,'.

Like they weren't all completely aware of how petty each one acted, particularly toward Shion. Ike was just the most outspoken and catty.

"Alright ladies, that's enough," Miyako butted in, with her usual smooth and mature tones. She was the oldest on the table, looking to be in her late thirties or early forties, with dark skin, and eyes, and dark brown hair that had maroon streaks, interspersed with a few greys that were peaking through.

She was the other women's professional superior (barring Kuchisake) as far as I had been able to tell, and although she didn't often have much to say, when she did she was listened to and usually obeyed.

At first I had thought that she was above the catty bullshit the other women played, but then I realised she only really said something when one them was putting their foot in their mouth, or was about to lose ground to Kuchisake. She spoke up under pretence of mediating the younger women, but I was certain she was just making sure the status quo wasn't shaken up in any way, and that Shion remained on the bottom of the pecking order.

"Regardless of who did say or didn't say what, the problems are fixed now. We're ready in the lab for the child as soon as everyone has finished eating. Is that a problem for you, Shion-san?"

"No problem, Miyako-san," Kuchisake shook her head, her reluctance well hidden. I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't sitting on her lap, feeling her tense form.

To be honest, after hearing that, I was just as tense. Looked like my time avoiding being a human test subject was up. I couldn't help but feel bitter resentment as I scanned everyone sitting at the table, caught up in their fickle power plays that didn't mean a goddamn thing, and after they were done they were going to get to work experimenting on the kidnapped person casually sitting among them.

Dinner passed far too quickly for my liking, although I couldn't eat much. I rarely could at meal times here, even when I wasn't conscious of feeling stupidly anxious and stressed. Sleep, too, was a struggle since I'd arrived.

For the first time, everyone on the table left together, with Kuchisake trailing behind as they quietly left the food hall and entered the maze of hallways.

Everyone seemed to have entered a focussed and impassive state with the exception of Shion and I. Both of us got more and more tense and stiff as the laboratories loomed closer in my mind.

Despite the futility of it, I desperately wanted to run. Only Shion's tight hold on me as she carried me prevented me from doing so.

Shion's compulsive and unusually fast crunching of hard sweets punctured the quiet of the group, and although she spit cleaned her hands afterward, smearing me as always in the process, I didn't even care. I'd rather take sweet spit slick hands any day than being a test subject to these people.

Finally, we stopped outside a door as unremarkable and sound proof as all the others I'd seen, with the exception of the food hall door. Only the harsh smell of antiseptic, latex, sterile materials and unnatural chemical scents that lingered in the hallway let me know we were anywhere near the labs.

Miyako opened the doors and everyone filed into the room behind her.

It was as pale and bland in colour as the hallways. There were large pieces of equipment, the function of which I had absolutely no clue, as well as a lot of the typical accoutrements that could be expected at the doctor's or in a hospital. At face value it wasn't obvious that the room was used for anything but benign purposes.

It was fairly large and sectioned off by worktops that jutted out from the wall on the left into the room every six or so meters, evenly separating the space into five sections. One had computers and spaces to sit and work, but the others had medical equipment and machinery dominating the sections. All but the one with computers contained what looked like two hospital beds each.

While I was anxiously taking stock of the place, Kuchisake walked over to one of the beds and placed me sitting down, she crouched down in front of me, capturing my attention.

Her face radiated regret and discomfort as she murmured to me, "Listen, sweet thing, I can't stay here with you while the other girls do their thing," she reached forward and grasped my hand in hers and cupped my face with her other hand.

"I want you to be good, and do as they tell you. No fussing, okay? I know you won't because you're a good girl," she smiled a little, but it faded quickly.

Panic yanked my breath from me and I hadn't realised until that point how much I'd been relying on Shion to stay with me to keep me calm. Some part of me had been convinced that if she was was there, she wouldn't let the others do anything too bad to me.

"Why can't you stay here," my quiet voice couldn't keep the pleading notes at bay.

She looked pained, her eyes flicking at what I assumed to be the other women in the room as they bustled around preparing.

"There are other little boys and girls who need my attention. I'm sorry, sweet thing, I have to take care of them too," she reached down and gently tried to unhook the hand I hadn't even realised was grasping tightly at her top.

I wanted to guilt trip her. I wanted to play up being a needy, clingy child until she gave in and stayed, but I already knew that method wouldn't work when doing so could get her beaten up by Nagao for neglecting her duties.

So I said nothing, and swallowed thickly, staring with half betrayed and half beseeching eyes. I didn't want her to go. She was the closest thing I had to safety here.

Her expression crumbled slightly and cupped my cheeks with both hands, her thumbs stroking in an attempt at soothing, "This will only take a few hours. Then I'll be right here to take you home. I'll be here the moment you're finished."

Her eyes flitted to the women, still busy preparing the equipment for fuck knows what, and then back to me. She kissed me then, once, twice, and a third time. I didn't give a thought to how I usually disliked her doing so, clinging to the unspoken comfort she was trying to give.

"I promise," she whispered to me, and then she kissed me one last time, before she stood without another word and left.

If I'd known how to work the stupid fucking doors of this place, I would have taken my chances then, done my best to kill all five of the women left in the room and run. But I still hadn't figured out why exactly they opened for some and not others.

Obviously there was some kind of signal that made the doors open, but I didn't know if it was to do with thumbprint, DNA, chakra, or something they physically had on them that I hadn't seen. So I was out of options but to go along with it all.

* * *

After all the anxiety and fear I had about being experimented on, that first evening was fairly anticlimactic. It was more like an incredibly thorough check up at the doctors. My throat was checked, my blood pressure and my heart rate were measured, my respiration, sinuses, lymph nodes and abdomen were checked, my temperature, my height, my weight and my foot size measured.

I had an eye test and a hearing test done. My teeth and gums were checked, my fingers were checked, my nostrils and ear canals were checked.

I breathed into so many devices and tubes in different ways that I was light headed and dizzy by the end of it. Joints, reflexes and balance were measured - although I intentionally did far worse in the balance test. All limbs and body parts were poked and prodded at, including -to my great discomfort- the genital area.

Electrode patches were attached in various points to my body as I lay down for ten minutes, and then stood up for ten minutes. I had a full body X-Ray and pissed into a cup. I had a hair sample, a nail sample, and a spit sample taken, as well as far more blood than I was comfortable being removed from such a tiny person - through a variety of different methods, in a variety of different amounts, from a variety of different places on the body.

I hated it. But, admittedly, it could have been worse. I was more concerned that things would escalate from there, and what sort of information they could pull from my biology. What if they figured out I was a Hatake? What if they figured out how weird my brain was and what exactly that meant? There was nothing I could do if they did, and that more than anything freaked me out.

I could worry all I liked, but no answer to my fears seemed to be willing to present itself. I hated feeling so completely powerless over my situation and being forced to wait for a rescue I wasn't certain was coming anytime soon.

It was with relief when Kuchisake showed up to take me back to our room. Immediately, however, I noticed the smell of cleaning products and a slight scent of bleach in the room. When Shion was stressed she sometimes cleaned. I wondered how long she'd spent scrubbing at whatever dirt she'd imagined.

I put up with her insistence at joint bath like usual with barely an internal complaint, and spent the rest of the evening feeling a mixture of exhausted and restless as she once more lay my head in her lap and read to me. Sleep was, as usual by this point, slow to arrive and patchy once it had.

* * *

The next day I wasn't supposed to eat in preparation for the medical exams to come. It was a good thing too because I had no appetite. Shion was gone for much of the day, and I had little to do but pace and worry and try to distract myself by reading or playing shogi against myself.

I was almost glad for the brief company when Kuchisake returned to take me to the labs a few hours before dinner. The lack of too painful or terrifying exams the day before didn't make watching her leave again with the same excuse any easier.

The devices looked somewhat different from what I was familiar with in my original life, in the adjoining rooms I was taken into, but I recognised a CAT scan and MRI scan. I was pretty sure the last one was a PET scan. Yeah, there was no way in hell they weren't going to notice my weird brain. Fuck.

I had more electrode patches stuck to me, and this time I was led into a room with a bunch of fitness equipment. They stuck me on something that worked like a treadmill but looked nothing like one at first glance and had me run, with some sort of device strapped to my mouth and nose. I began fake wheezing and stopped long before I needed to, completely uncertain if I was actually tricking anybody of anything with all the monitoring devices stuck to me.

My temperature and more blood was taken a bunch more times before and after the tests, and then came a series of tests I knew had to do with chakra. But frankly I knew absolutely fuck all about them to even tell what each one was supposed to be vaguely telling the women.

I despised it even more than the previous day, feeling barely human in my hospital gown and with no choice but to have the secrets of this body taken from me. I felt reduced to results in a medical file in everyone's eyes but Kuchisake.

A clean and showered Shion arrived once again to pick me up, unable to hide the underlying scents of cleaning products and sex and old blood. My heart clenched a little at the thought that she might have slept with Nagao again, and I hoped it had been some of the other men that she habitually seduced.

Cleaning products and bleach once more hit my nose once I entered our room, but this time I was able to identify that it came from one particular spot - the big dark metal chest that sat conspicuously on the left side of the room and was always locked.

I knew if blood had been spilled there I'd be able to pick it up regardless, since my already heightened sense seemed especially sensitive to the smell of blood. I figured either she kept cleaning products in a really ugly metal chest, or she'd had sex on it and cleaned it up vigorously afterward.

I couldn't smell the typical scents of two people having gotten it on together, which I was unfortunately way too familiar with by this point, so I really hoped it was the former.

Despite not having eaten that day, I picked at my food and listened with great discomfort as the women discussed me in medical terms I didn't understand, never once giving away from their tone or body language that they were talking about a living human being.

* * *

I was tired of tests by the second day, and so I approached day three with a quiet sullen attituilede. Shion seemed sympathetic and as reluctant to leave me there as ever, but just like the two days previous, she walked away.

This time, though, the team had been changed up. Two of the women, Mari and Chou, were elsewhere, replaced by a short thin man with non existent eyebrows, thin black hair and a perpetually quizzical expression on his face, and a kid who looked somewhere between fifteen and seventeen with a grey tone to his skin, dull yellow eyes and spiky light blonde hair.

It didn't take long to figure out that the day was going to consist of some a few chakra tests, but primarily filled with psychological exams. I told just as many lies as truths during the tests, hoping that my identity as Sona was solid enough and held enough truth in it to hold up under scrutiny from a professional.

It was by far my least favourite day of exams. I had some control for once over what the results were and yet that control also meant I could fuck up. The stress had my anxiety rocketing which the eyebrowless man, whose name I never caught, noticed quickly.

I didn't know what he put the cause of my stress down to, but the fact that he noticed had me sweating in paranoia that Igarashi Sona was going to come falling down around me, leaving Hatake Subaru visible to my kidnappers.

I was mentally exhausted by the time the day of testing was over, and thankful when Kuchisake entered to remove me. She hurried over to me, her hair damp and messy, and her skin covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"Did you get caught in the rain, Ame-Onna?" Ike's cruel-tinted voice called. I could feel the flinch that Shion hid from everyone else at whatever that taunt meant to her.

"No, I didn't. Nagao-taichou expects a report on his desk tomorrow morning. I'll be here collect it," she replied sharply.

I was distracted by the heavy wafts of sex and sweat and Nagao radiating off her skin. Turning my head to hide a grimace, I closed my eyes - I was pretty sure I could smell piss faintly, too and tried not to think about why that would be on her.

I kind of _had_ to think about it, though, when we returned to our room and the pee smell was even stronger in there. While Kuchisake showered, I wrinkled my nose in distaste and tried to sniff the source out. To my confusion, I discovered it coming from the dark metal chest. It smelt like someone had shoved their pissy clothes in there hours ago.

It also smelt like the fear-sweat of a child.

Kids and adults just didn't smell the same, but my nose wasn't good enough to pick up the subtle scent changes that came with normal emotions.

This had to have been high levels of fear-stress-upset in one contained spot for a prolonged length of time. I didn't know how long I stood there with my heart beating in my ears, trying but failing to reach a state of denial.

I was still staring in horror at the implications of the metal chest when Shion entered the room, clean from her shower.

"Sweet thing? What are you staring at?"

I didn't know what else to do but tell the truth, "it smells like wee," I pointed.

"Oh. Don't worry I'll have it cleaned up before bed. I was a bit pressed for time today," a nervous strain lightly touched her words.

I didn't want what I thought had happened to be true. I knew this wasn't a safe place, and I knew that there were children here but, having never even seen or heard one, that fact had remained an unreal concept in my head.

I dragged my eyes away from the dark box, feeling chilled and disturbed and hoping that I was wrong. This room, as much as I was reluctant to admit it, was my safe space in the compound. It was the place other people weren't allowed in, where the worst I had to put up with was Shion being overly free with her saliva and her touches, and uncomfortable kissing on the lips. The idea that it was also a place where terrified children were taken and locked up had me shaken.

Kami, I really hoped I was coming to the wrong conclusion, because I distinctly remembered there being only one person in charge of the kids' discipline, and if this was her idea of a normal punishment then I dreaded to think what she would do to me if I was caught trying to escape.

I didn't have long to contemplate the disturbing suspicions which had my throat tightening, though- I was too busy being led by the hand back out of the room and to dinner. I forced myself to eat, aware I had to keep my strength up, but I kept on having to hide how much I was gagging due to my throat closing almost every time I tried to swallow.

I felt a strange mixture of tired and shaky and numb.

I didn't listen to a word any of the women said as they faded into a hum in the background, and stopped myself from focussing on how much I didn't want to be here.

* * *

Lying on the bed that evening before we washed, I ignored the light hearted humming of Kuchisake, while she scrubbed away at the inside of the box with cleaning products and a small amount of bleach. I faced the other way and closed my eyes, imagining I was back in Konoha with Tou-san.

I couldn't sleep that night, and maybe it was the tiredness that loosened my tongue, but as Shion slowly drifted off, I found myself speaking into the darkness.

"Shion?"

"Hmm?" She sleepily murmured.

"Why did Nagao-taichou say he thought about killing me in front of you? I'm supposed to be safe here," I tested.

"He was just trying to scare me, sweet thing, it wasn't true" she limply stroked my hair.

"But what if he tried?"

"I wouldn't let him," she kissed me, and I could tell she was half asleep.

"Would you stop him?" I whispered.

"I promise."

There was a long pause as I tried to figure out if I believed her or not. I didn't know.

"Shion?"

"Mhm?"

"Why did you take the blame for Chou's mistake?"

"Chou's a nice woman... and she didn't mislabel anything."

I was silent for a long while, unsure if she was implying that she'd intentionally delayed medical for me. It would explain the rare occurrence of her being able to almost one up the women in an argument - plenty of time to anticipate it.

"Why did Ike call you Ame-Onna?" I could feel Kuchisake jerk awake at this one.

For some time I thought she wouldn't say anything. But then she took a deep breath and let it out in low sigh, "it's my name in the bingo book."

"Are you from Ame?"

"...yes. Years ago. When I had a little girl like you, and a husband."

"Oh... Shion?"

"Mm?"

"I miss Tou-san."

I was silenced with another kiss, this one a touch more forceful.

"You can write him a letter tomorrow. Go to sleep, Sona," she gently commanded, and tucked me back under her chin.

I lay awake for hours, unable to tell if the hint of urine in the air was my imagination or not.

* * *

 _Captivity getting to Sonaru a bit in this one._

 _What do you think they'll be most interested in from what they find in the results of her tests?_

 _What do you think of what Sonaru suspects about the way Kuchisake is disciplining the other children?_


	48. Chapter 48

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This chapter was an absolute fucking nightmare to get written. As you may have been able to tell from long gap I took. I'm resigned to the fact that it's not very interesting as a chapter despite how long it took to write.

For all of those asking for an insight into Kakashi's actions during this turbulent time for them both. Here's this chapter. And probably next chapter too. Maybe even the chapter after that if I'm feeling generous (more like if I go off tangent like I almost always do).

So for your consideration: here's the guys' actions while they're internally going "fuck everyone else. Everything we knew was a lie. The world might fucking end within my lifetime. Kakashi what do we do?" But acting very cool about it.

No editing done and no beta, so apologies for mistakes

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter** **47 - Building From The Ground Up**

The air was grim in Gai's flat, as Tenzō slipped silently into the room - the last to arrive. He took a seat without speaking, and Kakashi confirmed with a brief sweep of his eyes that everyone's gaze held the same banked fire as his own.

The room was thick with restrained violence, stoked into a heated blaze by their common purpose. He clamped a hand harshly onto the table edge as he leaned with false nonchalance against it, easily betrayed by the tense, aggressive set of his shoulders and the taut muscles in his neck.

Everyone in the room was the dangerously relaxed of a still surface, with deadly waters underneath. Kakashi's turbulent thoughts and emotions were a potent cocktail of fear and rage and regret. He bitterly wondered if Subaru would still be here had he removed his head from the sand earlier and met up with everyone like promised, following the revelations of Subaru's disturbing knowledge. Maybe nothing would have changed at all.

But maybe it would have.

He pressed his lips together harshly, his busted bottom lip splitting open slightly with a strong stinging sensation, the pain clearing his thoughts. He was still bruised and scraped badly from his fight with Gai the day before. He couldn't even call it a spar, what with the animalistic ferocity they had both displayed.

"So," Genma started, his usual charming grin replaced by an unamused baring of clenched teeth that clacked around his senbon, "what's the plan." He slouched back in his chair, his hand casually twirling another senbon between his fingers and raised an expectant brow at Kakashi.

Everyone turned to Kakashi for direction, and he was once again Taichou, leader of some of the best operatives Konoha had to offer. His team might have changed slightly, but the mantle was no less comfortable than when he'd last truly donned it.

"The Hokage has given me permission to lead an off the record investigation into Su-chan's disappearance. I requested your assistance, with Gai and Tenzō on call as needed. There are suspicions about a leak of classified information, which is potentially the cause of her kidnapping.

According to the Anbu patrolling yesterday, they were looking into a false rumour about shinobi bearing non leaf headbands stirring up trouble when she was taken - what is now believed to have been a diversion. I want to know the truth about what distracted Washi and Yamori yesterday. I want to know the root of the foreign-nin rumour."

He hesitated for a moment - only allowing himself the visible tell because he knew he was among friends - before soldiering on with determination, "I know we haven't had a chance to talk about anything since we all had our seals placed. I'm aware that there are questions unanswered, worries and fears unspoken, plans not discussed, uncovered history not come to terms with yet.

"If the information shared becomes relevant to finding Su-chan, we'll have to deal with it as we go. If not, these issues will have to be put to the side until she's back. If you have a problem with this, that will get in the way of your performance in the search, then you need to say now- I'm well aware than none of us are uncompromised emotionally, myself more than anyone, and I can't promise I won't react with extreme prejudice if I find one of you has hindered the investigation because you didn't speak up here."

He paused for a moment, before quietly adding, "The things we know now, about Konoha and the Elemental Nations... no one else knows. Things have changed for each of us, our understanding of everything we thought we knew has changed. I don't know what conclusions you've each come to. I don't know what perspective shifts have occurred in this room, but before you all agree to follow my command again you need to know that my loyalty belongs to my family before my country and before my Hokage.

"If this means doing what is best for my family calls for actions that are breaking the letter of Konoha law or disobeying my superiors, I won't hesitate."

Any average Jōnin who knew the men would guess that the shinobi most likely to walk away after that statement was Tenzō. In his living memory he had never not been a shinobi, and had been submerged in the darker aspects of Konoha for his whole life. Most Jōnin weren't aware that the person Tenzō was loyal to above anyone was Kakashi, due to their history. If Kakashi ever decided for whatever reason that the Hokage was disloyal to the spirit of Konoha and planned to assassinate him and all his advisors, Tenzō would be the one he would turn to for help.

It was Gai and Genma he was less sure about.

"As Su-Hime says, my Eternal Rival, we are family," Gai solemnly replied.

"Like the brother I never ever _ever_ wanted," Genma added, a wry twist to his lips.

"We're with you Kakashi-senpai."

He released a silent breath, relief mixing with the almost nauseating jumble of emotions in his stomach, "good. In that case, I'll be taking Gai with me as official Jōnin, while you two find out what you can under the guise of civilians. Focus on who and where the the centre of the rumour started from, and when exactly this took place yesterday. If you can, get a description of the hostiles - whether that's the people who disseminated false information or the people who the rumours were about."

With confirmation from everyone, they left as untraceably as they arrived - until it was proven unnecessary, they didn't want to risk anyone inside Konoha getting suspicious at all four of them meeting regularly in private. Paranoia was the new normal for the time being.

* * *

Investigative missions could range from simple information gathering that took no more than an afternoon, or months - years sometimes - where there was cover up after cover up and secret after secret to find, another layer of the mystery to unravel and another piece of the puzzle. They unanimously agreed to treat Subaru's kidnapping as the latter case from the start - with the high levels of caution and suspiciousness - until shown to be otherwise.

With the specific street that the Anbu were directed to unknown until the duo submitted their reports, Kakashi decided it would serve them better to follow the rumours back to their source, rather than make an educated guess- it would ensure that they didn't miss anything. Kakashi, Genma and Tenzō all created a number of kagebunshin and strategically placed them around the area hidden out of sight, before Genma and Tenzō went in disguised as civilians to get people talking about the day before and disseminate the rumour that shinobi were coming to ask questions.

The kagebunshin watched carefully for any suspicious reactions to the news that shinobi were going to be by soon to investigate, and then Gai and Kakashi arrived in an official capacity. Once they left the area, Genma, Tenzō and the kagebunshin kept an eye and ear out for a while longer, before moving on along the trail.

Slowly but steadily throughout the day, they traced the source of information back, and while they certainly discovered a good handful of juicy gossip that many civilians and a few shinobi would be mortified that they knew - due to looking into a select few people's shifty attitude - there was nothing of worth to be found in relation to Subaru.

In direct contrast to beginning of the investigation, as they got closer and closer to the area that the Anbu duo had been diverted to the day before, it became more difficult to track the spread of the foreign-nin sighting. Everybody knew somebody who knew somebody who'd seen the cause of the fuss, but it was like chasing a ghost.

It took hours of going in tighter and tighter circles before they narrowed down the origin point to one street. The problem was that it was a street with mostly commercial buildings and a lot foot traffic - as such, it was incredibly difficult to pinpoint who had been around the day before to have seen anything concrete.

* * *

Genma hauled the heavy crate in his arms from the merchant cart to the back of the shop, he wheezed as he placed it carefully stacked on top of another, and straightened to crack his his spine and wipe the sweat off his brow. As he flexed his reddened fingers with a mild grimace, Kobayashi walked past him and slapped his shoulder, "the owner's wife is a right fat pig, my friend, don't let her catch you taking a break unless you have a cigarette between your lips or you're flushing the tank."

Genma groaned, "the guy is doing well for himself, what's the point in having wealth if you can't trade in the old wife for a new model once she starts looking like that."

Kobayashi barked with laughter, "exactly. If I had as much money as this guy I wouldn't even need mine to look after the kid. I'd hire a nanny and become Madame Koi's newest benefactor."

"You'd have to pay for the girls' training before you got round to them then, not everyone is as good as your wife at pretending your face isn't the ugliest thing she's ever seen," Hattori ribbed as he walked by, to the raucous approval of the rest of the men.

Kobayashi scowled at him, "yeah? What do you know, your breath is so bad you can't even land a woman."

Hattori turned with a leer, "I know enough to recognise what your wife sounds like when she's having a _really_ good time," the group brayed with laughter, a loud discordant sound, "besides, what's bad breath gotta do with a quick fuck? Just don't kiss em and take her from behind."

A harsh voice cut through the resulting noise, as the shop owner's wife stuck her head through the window from the floor above, a severe expression on her round face, "Get back to work! I can hear you laughing from up here, and you won't be paid for the time you use slacking off!"

The men said nothing, casting dark looks in her direction and slunk back to work. Half an hour later, most of them were leaning against the building or the cart taking a smoke break while the rest merely pretended to smoke.

"So what's your deal, Mihara-san, got a woman at home? Kids?" Genma asked Tenzō

"I've got a little one, but he lives with my parents. The wife died a while ago," Tenzō shrugged, balancing discomfort and nonchalance as he turned his head away.

"Yeah? I'm sorry to hear that, my friend," Kobayashi responded, receiving a half smile and a small nod in return.

"Was it in childbirth, if you don't mind me asking, or something else?" Genma enquired.

Tenzō's expression twisted slightly, "she was visiting her sister and cousins in one of the villages nearby. Cut down by foreign shinobi because they thought she was someone else."

There was a moment of solemn quiet, and then Genma shook his head commiseratively, "fucking foreign nin."

"People here had their own foreign nin scare yesterday, didn't they?" Okimoto added, shifting topics to a more light hearted subject.

"That's right," Genma added, "didn't see anything myself, I was unloading goods in another district, but I heard a fair bit about it once I got here."

"What foreign nin scare?" Tenzō asked, a mild furrow in his brow.

"Oh, you haven't heard about that yet? It's all anyone can talk about right now," Genma commented, receiving a confused half shrug and shake of the head in response.

"Tch, a couple of no good stupid idiots putting on a fake nin headband to scare someone into giving up their money. Thought they'd get away with it if everyone was too busy looking for shinobi while they made their escape," Okimoto added scornfully.

"Well it worked didn't it? While Anbu was off looking for an enemy, they got away. Haven't heard of any arrests being made either," Hattori shrugged, and a few of the men nodded in agreement.

"Was anyone hurt?" Tenzō asked curiously.

"Nah, just some people spooked," Okimoto added.

"How come you know it was petty thieves in disguise? No one I've heard talking about it said that," Genma raised a half fascinated, half challenging brow.

"Old Eguchi who manages The Hidden Hawk on the corner was the one who was threatened by them. Me and the guys go round there for a few drinks after work most nights, he'll tell you about it if you ask," Okimoto looked to Hattori who was nodding.

"It's true. Kobayashi, Okimoto and me are going round there this evening after we've finished here. Why don't you come along?" He offered.

"That the mixed one?" Genma asked.

"Yeah, but don't worry - it's the only mixed pub in this part of town so we only ever get a handful of Bloodstained bastards at one time. It's mostly civilians so the few Bloodstained that do show up keep to themselves and don't make any trouble," Okimoto assured, distaste in his tone for shinobi as he used the terms anti-shinobi civilians spat in reference to them.

It wasn't as common inside Konoha as it was in the more rural areas, but the civilian districts were more likely to have people who referred to shinobi as 'Bloodstained' than anywhere else in the village.

Genma grinned charmingly, "well in that case, sure, I could do with a few drinks after this."

"Any of you guys coming?" Kobayashi raised his voice and asked the rest of the men who had been half listening in while they had their own conversations, "what about you, Mihara-san?"

The rest of the men gave their reasons for not going, while Tenzō tilted his head considering, before shrugging, "Sounds good."

"Excellent, first round's on Kobayashi," Hattori flicked his cigarette butt to the floor and clapped his hands together to the amusement of the others, while Kobayashi spluttered and then gave up in irritated defeat.

The men drifted back to work as they finished their cigarettes and their conversations, stretching the kinks out their shoulders and backs, eyeing the heavy crates they were shifting and ignoring the suspicious gaze of the owner's wife beyond some discontented mutters.

* * *

Genma and Tenzō sat next to each other, across from Kobayashi, Okimoto and Hattori, while Tenzō and Genma's eyes roved the Hidden Hawk curiously. There were a trio of career Chunin in the corner quietly talking and drinking, their posture relaxed in an authentic manner and the frequency with which they scanned their surroundings showed them to be comfortable and feeling relatively safe from being bothered.

Everyone else in the building was a civilian, some rowdier and more drunk than others, but the atmosphere was a relaxed one. The woman serving drinks was clearly familiar to any regular if the way they greeted her was an indication. They joked and talked with the other three, as the blood alcohol levels went up, and the words flowed with greater ease and less thought.

They'd been there for close to an hour when Okimoto spoke up, "Hey there he is. Old Eguchi, the one we were talking about earlier. Great man, great man, he is."

"Yeah, he's great. Kindest man I ever met," Hattori agreed, more drunk than tipsy, "Eguchi-san!" Hattori waved over the greying man walking past who had just finished a friendly conversation with another group who were clearly also regulars.

He turned toward them, and smiled when he saw who was calling his name, "Hattori-san! Good seeing you. Kobayashi-san, Okimoto-san, make sure he doesn't drink too much, don't want a repeat of last time," he laughed alongside the other three and then looked with genial curiosity at Tenzō and Genma, "don't believe I've met you gentlemen before. Nice to meet you, I'm Eguchi."

"My name is Fujimoto Tomomi and this is Mihara Naoki. I have to say you've got a really nice pub here."

"Never mind that, tell him about the fake nin the other day! Fujimoto here didn't believe me when I told him the true story," Okimoto butted in, made boisterous with alcohol.

Eguchi smiled with a hint of self deprecation and modesty, but settled down on a spare seat in order to regale them with the tale.

"It was mid to late afternoon, and I'd just finished overseeing the delivery of more sake cups," he began, eyes peering off into the distance slightly, "I paid the young lads and locked up round back, turned around and all of a sudden there's a kunai at my gut and two mean looking fellas demanding I hand over all my cash, open up the pub and give them all the money inside.

"Well I was rightly terrified. I didn't have my glasses on, see, so I could only spot a headband on each of their foreheads, and that it didn't have a slash through it, as well as the shine of a weapon in the other's hand. Didn't know what two ninja would want to be robbing me for, but they certainly weren't Konoha shinobi, I thought.

"Still, I handed over what little I had left after paying the delivery lads, and I played up my shaking hands - and mind you they were shaking a fair amount, but not as much as I made it seem - in order to delay unlocking the doors. I hoped to delay long enough that someone would come by to call for help or scare them off.

"They were getting pretty impatient with me, and I was half scared they would stab me and take the keys themselves, but it seemed that they didn't really have the stomach for killing because they just snapped at me and hurried me along. I'd almost given up on the delay tactic and considered making a run for it when a small group of kids - no older than nine I'd say - came whooping and hollering round the corner caught up in some game of theirs.

"Now it was a serious situation, make no mistake, but the frozen seconds where the two thieves and the group of kids stopped and stared at each other in complete surprise almost made laugh - likely with some hysteria it would have been, though. Anyway, there's a good five seconds where everyone just stared at each other in blind panic and then the kids turned tail and went screaming the other direction from where they came about foreign ninja robbing and killing people.

"So the two fellas in the middle of robbing started cursing and arguing as they flailed about, one telling the other they ought to scarper, and the other saying they're going to get thrown into T&I and never see the light of day again. In the middle of their panicking and tussling about - me almost entirely forgotten by them here - one of their headband came off and fell at my feet, clearly badly tied. I look down where the metal of the headband is facing up at me, and what do I see?" He shook his head, a wry smile stretching across his face, "The bloody hitai ate is made of painted foil, and it's all crumpled on the ground.

"The one who was convinced they'd be going to T&I paused once he realised his friend was missing a head band, looked down and saw it looking like decorated tissue on the floor, clearly mortified and scared witless, he grabbed the headband and ran off. It took a good few seconds for his friend to notice he was alone with me, at which point he ran after him.

"And there I was, still standing there holding my keys and wondering what in Kami's name had just happened," he finished with a light huff of laughter, and the rest of the table chortled along with him.

"Alright," Genma conceded, "I believe it now. That's some tale you have, Eguchi-san."

"Well it's certainly entertained the regulars, that's for sure. Now you boys have fun this evening, but not too much fun you hear?" He warmly smiled at them as he moved to stand up, to the largely unintelligible complaints of the rest, "no no, I have things to do. I can't spend all night talking to you gentlemen, as much as I would like to."

Waving off their drunken well wishes with a fond shake of his head, Old Eguchi left the table and went to speak with the waitress.

There was a short moment of silence, before Tenzō shook his head in awe, "I can't believe they got away with that. That's crazy."

"Well you probably heard that Anbu came round questioning the locals a couple hours later, but apparently they left once they got the idea of what happened," Okimoto half slurred.

"And no one's investigating?" Tenzō asked.

"Not that anyone's heard of, my friend," Kobayashi shrugged.

"I dunno, I heard there's been a couple of Jōnin asking questions in the area. Apparently it's somehow connected to another case," Genma added.

The other men perked up in interest at the newest addition to the whole juicy story.

"What case? Mugging?" Kobayashi leaned forward.

There was a short pause, during which Genma sensed the lightest set of short chakra pulses - unnoticeable to any non-sensor who hadn't been looking for it.

"No, I don't know what, but I heard that it was something pretty serious. Not sure anyone knows more than that."

The rest of the men shared intrigued glances, with the exception of one.

Okimoto snorted contemptuously, swirling his drink with a bitter twist to his mouth, "if it's serious enough to warrant a couple Bloodstained investigating, you can bet it's got fuck all to do with civilians. They don't care about us. Not about a simple false impersonation of foreign nin and mugging one old man."

"Really not a fan of them, are you," Genma commented, a lightly amused cast to his expression.

"Old Eguchi is one of the nicest people I know, let me tell you, but if there's one mistake he made it was making this pub mixed for civilians and shinobi. This is a civilian district, you know, and even though it's right at the edge it's still a Kami damned place for civilians. Not Bloodstained bastards. We can't get away from the fuckers in the rest of the village, but this bit should just be for us," Okimoto kept his voice low, but Genma and Tenzō could have told him that any shinobi with decent experience would be able to hear him across the room.

"Hey, calm down, Okimoto. It's a business choice, one of them can drink tw-twice what I can - and that-that's saying something," Hattori added, his volume control slowly slipping.

Okimoto looked like he was a second away from spitting in disgust, "fuck them. I'd bet money that those Bloodstained investigating don't give a damn about what happened to Old Eguchi. They don't care about anyone in the civilian districts. The only time they care about a civilian is when one of our kids has shinobi potential. Even then... they don't matter until the headband is on and they're not one of ours anymore."

Kobayashi raised a drink, "I hear you, my friend. Can't say I hate them like you do, but they sure don't care about our problems. Can't get a single fucking one of them to look into the crimes that don't affect them."

"There are a lot of crimes going unlooked into?" Tenzō asked, his voice low with concern.

With the exception of Genma, the others shared glances across the table and even Hattori looked like he sobered up slightly.

"Mostly just the lighter stuff, you know? Theft, some property damage, fighting that doesn't end in permanent harm. But... it's the kids that get to me. The fact that they can't be fucking bothered to care about our kids - Konoha's kids, civilian or not - it makes me real mad."

"What about the kids?" Genma slowly enquired, foreboding and anticipation building in his spine.

"Well," Kobayashi looked slightly uncomfortable, and lowered his voice even more, "they go missing. No one likes to talk about it, but by now most of us are aware of it, and know about someone who's had a child vanish at some point. Kids from the poorer civilian areas of Konoha, they go missing and they have done for years."

It was only because they were both already aware of him, that Tenzō and Genma detected the light fluttering of distress in Kakashi's chakra, before he clamped down on it once more.

"It's true. Families from there might not have the best rep-reputation, but we keep an eye on our kids. Everyone keeps an- keeps an eye on everyone's kid now, and it's plenty obvious that something happens to-to some of them. No one knows what," Hattori grimaced slightly and downed the rest of his drink.

"Countless parents have reported it, but who the fuck cares what happens to poor civilians, right? Probably hundreds of missing children since I was a kid myself, and you know how many Bloodstained have been sent to look into it? Not a single one. I fucking hate them," Okimoto scowled and slumped into his seat.

"His brother's eldest son was taken when the boy was five. Never heard of a sign of the kid since," Hattori murmured to Genma.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Okimoto-san," Genma murmured, only to be waved off by the now solemn man.

It was plainly obvious soon after that they wouldn't be able to get anything more out of the men along that line of conversation, and so Genma did what he did best - charmed the table into lively conversation again.

It took a while to get the atmosphere light hearted and jovial once more, but with the drinks flowing the mood was more fluid and manipulatable than it would otherwise be. Once he had the men garrulous once more, he left them drunkenly talking to the other patrons of the bar - whilst ensuring the tale of the soon to be arriving Jōnin was spread throughout the establishment - and made their leave.

They dropped their henges, hid away as they covered all exits from the building, and had their clones stealthily re enter the place in order to watch for any suspicious activity or conversation while Kakashi and Gai slipped away. When both 'Eternal Rivals' publicly approached and went inside in order to ask questions of Old Eguchi and the patrons, Genma and Tenzō took on the role of watching for suspicious activity or conversation that the other two might miss.

Unfortunately, beyond what had already been told, there was very little information the two could glean from the building's occupants.

* * *

It was late at night by the time they all made their way back to Gai's home, taking different and circular routes. Tenzō slipped through the window last, and he had barely sat down before he turned to Kakashi.

"We know Subaru's kidnapping was something someone very familiar with Konoha planned, at least." Kakashi nodded his agreement, a troubled expression on his face.

"How did you get that from today?" Genma asked, finally placing his senbon back in his mouth and twirling it around.

"We know the kidnapping was carefully planned, so there was no chance that the two thieves weren't somehow an arranged distraction. But for it all to be timed so meticulously that the rumours would naturally travel from one end of the district to another, so as to drag Anbu away from a specific area they were patrolling in order to expose Su-chan to her kidnappers - that shows an intimate familiarity with the inner workings of Konoha that no foreign person could have. There was at least one Konoha shinobi involved in this."

There was a thoughtful and heavy pause as this information was considered by the other, before Tenzō opened his mouth.

"You know what those missing children sounded like, Kakashi-senpai," he frowned, the barely audible tapping of his finger against his kunai the only sign of his tense emotions.

"Who?" Gai frowned in confusion.

"Danzō," was Kakashi's impassive reply, "he means Danzō."

"It might not be," Genma rebutted, "it could be one of Orochimaru's allies. After all, those children were all from poorer backgrounds. Regardless of whether they believed Mini Bastard to be a civilian or not at the time that they took her, she was obviously from a wealthy family and she was in an entirely different part of the district."

"Danzō takes people of all backgrounds for Root. It would make sense that he wouldn't bother to create a false death for poorer civilians who he sees potential in. He'd be able to bury any investigation before the paperwork was even sorted."

"Except Sona's family would kick up a loud enough fuss, and if he knew she's a Hatake he would know Kakashi wouldn't do nothing. It doesn't fit his profile for wealthy children."

"It may be someone else entirely," Gai grimly reminded them.

"It doesn't matter," Kakashi cut in, "who has been taking those children - not yet. What matters is that they've been doing it for a long time and they're getting away with it. That means they're smart, careful and almost definitely powerful. Maybe they have Subaru as well. Maybe they don't. We can't miss the chance to follow this lead, regardless."

"If they're that smart and careful, they're going to know we're looking into this sooner or later. We're going to piss off someone powerful. That's a dangerous position to be in," Genma warned.

"If it's Danzō or Orichimaru we'd be in the position eventually, anyway," Tenzō pointed out.

"And if Mini Bastard hasn't got anything to do with these missing kids?"

"We won't be looking into this to the exclusion of all else. In the mean time I want to ensure that the Fukuda clan - specifically the Matriarch - is cleared of suspicion, along with those she's connected to. Su-chan had the most exposure to them outside of us and Fukuda Norita has always been a bit too interested in her from the start," Kakashi looked at Tenzō, and although it wouldn't have been obvious to the casual observer, he could spot the younger man's disquiet, "Tenzō? Is there something bothering you?"

The young man uncharacteristically hesitated, before shaking his head, "nothing that I can put into words, senpai. I just feel like I missed something that was staring me in the face today, while we were gathering information."

He observed the mokuton wielder a moment longer, "let me know when it comes to you. I need you to keep your ear to the ground in Anbu, keep an eye out for anything that looks remotely connected to Danzō."

"Yes, Taichou."

"My most Youthful Rival, what do suggest we do if Head Councilman Danzō is the instigator behind this?"

"Unfortunately he isn't someone we can just carelessly kill. He has his influence in a lot of dark shadows of Konoha, many of which were necessary- and still are necessary at this time. To successfully get rid of Danzō, we'd need the Hokage on side. To do that, we'd need overwhelming, incontestable evidence of unforgivable treason."

"Knowing what I know now from Subaru, I don't doubt that the evidence exists," Tenzō commented darkly. He had always had a distrustful if complacent attitude to Danzō's dealings ever since he left Root, but now he knew that what he had experienced from the Councilman was probably just the tip of the iceberg of the man's actions.

"Getting Sarutobi-sama's support to be rid of Danzō entirely will be very unlikely, there's a greater chance he'd choose to give him a slap on the wrist - even if the old war hawk has taken Mini Bastard."

"I know, but we'll deal with that when we come to it; the internal politics of Konoha might have changed by the time action is needed. I want you to look into the missing children, Genma. Gai, you look into the Fukuda clan, Tenzō and I will split our time between the two of you depending on his availability outside of Anbu missions."

Kakashi, despite his burning desire to get Subaru back as quickly as possible, was weary. He had known that it was very unlikely they'd find her in the space of a day, but he was running two days on no sleep, little food and with the added stress of his missing kid. The potential future threats whirled in his mind while he tried to mentally navigate them as if they were traps he didn't want to set off

All this alongside the ache deep in his stomach and the heavy weight in his lungs that he was steadfastly ignoring, but came hand in hand with the noise in the back of his mind suspiciously like the once annoying sound of Obito's excuses - what had become a form of comfort was now tarnished with the ugly truth. But Kakashi was, above all, weary. So he ignored the pain and grief and stress and fear, and he focused on his most immediate problem.

"Food. Food and then I'm taking the couch. There's nothing more to be done tonight," he resisted the urge to rub a hand down his face and expose just how tired he really felt, and walked toward the kitchen to help himself to the fridge.

He was thankful that no one made a comment on his plans to sleep on Gai's couch. He couldn't and wouldn't sleep at home knowing Su-chan was gone and he wasn't sure if he'd be changing his mind about that any time soon.

"We'll find her, Kakashi," Genma's sure voice reached just before the Tokubetsu Jōnin left.

He turned back to see Tenzō nod toward him, his support for Kakashi never more obvious in his usually bland expression, before he too left.

"Genma is right, Kakashi. You will be reunited with the Beautiful Blossom, no matter how Hard we have to Work to find her, we will meet the challenge with everything we have," Gai grinned at him, and Kakashi found it within himself to give Gai an eye smile.

It was the difference between the three, he supposed, on the promises they made - Gai had not added a challenge in the case of failure, like he usually did, because he refused to make plans for failure, firmly believing they would see Subaru alive again. Genma had sworn they would find her; dead or alive, they wouldn't stop looking until there was some form of closure. Tenzō was not the type to make promises he wasn't sure would be seen to fruition, and so would only give his unwavering loyalty.

He found a measure of appreciation for all of them, and silently added his own: He would not stop looking until he found Su-chan, and then he was going to tear the story she knew apart until it lay in tatters, so their family could make something better.

* * *

 _Do you think Danzō is involved in the poorer children's disappearances? Do you think it's connected to Subaru's kidnapping? Or are they coincidences? What about Fukuda Norita? Or do you think it's Orochimaru's allies within Konoha who kidnapped her for them?_

 _What canon divergences you want to see thanks to these guys and/or Subaru? - big and small._


	49. Chapter 49

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I'm sorry updates are slow so far this year, with moving country and working full time in a somewhat unstable job and studying online - plus no wifi for almost a month now I'm dying save me my studies are dying too - and also an inconsistent muse... well this shit just isn't writing as easily as it used to.

But! Fear not, because even when I'm not writing the actual chapters I'm usually planning bits and bobs for the story. I've especially been trying to figure out just how powerful I want Sonaru to be. Like I don't wanna OP her, but that's kind of what needs to be done for any character in the thick of it by the climax of Naruto. Also I feel obliged to give the female characters of Naruto some more oomph and as the main change in Naruto, either directly or due to knock on effects that's gotta be due to Sonaru, which isn't easy if she doesn't have enough oomph herself.

So it's a surprisingly hard balancing act of not too powerful too early to never be challenged enough, but not underpowered enough that some victories seem too unrealistic. ( _Unrealistic_ she says, in a world filled with magical chakra superhuman killers)

Anywho, a bit of an explainey chapter so sorry about that. Also one more chap from Kakashi pov and then we'll see how Sonaru gets on with crazy science bitches.

As always no beta, and very little editing so forgive me my mistakes.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 48 - Big Wheel Keeps On Turning**

Frustration and impatience burned low in Kakashi's stomach as the days moved by one by one with barely anything to show for it. They woke early and worked late, snatching sleep where they could get it as they sifted arduously through paperwork and records and the faintest hint of a lead, which always seemed to dissipate into nothing before long.

The search into the missing children was going nowhere and yet looking all the more damning as Genma came across family after family who had the same story; always a child below the age of ten, and usually below the Academy age, all just disappeared one day. Sometimes off the street, sometimes out of their home, sometimes seemingly between one second and the next as the parent looked away for just a minute, sometimes they were gone for hours before anyone noticed they weren't there anymore.

And yet despite all these stories, they couldn't find a single record of these children having ever existed. No birth records, or school records, any photos of them were missing too. It was only the lingering scents on the most recent children's clothing that provided solid proof there was ever a real child in the first place.

The families all living in the poorer areas of the civilian districts lived with the resigned and terrible knowledge that their child could one day disappear - usually about 8-12 children every year just gone.

It was harrowing to know that someone (probably many people) inside Konoha was responsible for this, and had been for over a decade. Genma's face lined with weary disgust the more the numbers racked up.

It was also incredibly frustrating to discover that a good section of the paperwork they could have checked through, to provide evidence of things not matching up, would have been kept in the Uchiha district. Kakashi had swept the place years ago alongside his fellow Anbu, and he distinctly remembered there being a significant amount more than what could currently be found in the archives of the remnants of the Uchiha Police Force.

At some point, probably during the transition from the Uchiha district to the archives, the paperwork was taken and it had been too long ago to accurately point fingers.

But despite the similarities that cropped up between Subaru's disappearance and the other children, there were just as many differences. Above all, it was obvious that the techniques for kidnapping the poorer children simply wouldn't work for an assumed wealthy civilian child - not without a lot of attention being broadcasted onto the mystery, which seemed to be the exact opposite of what the kidnapper(s) wanted.

"If we work off the idea that wealthier families have also been affected, and that the numbers for wealthy children are also high, we would be looking at recorded deaths to cover up their disappearances. But we would also hear if every year that number of wealthy children were dying in Konoha," Kakashi had commented as he brainstormed out loud.

"Not if they were Genin corps, or some of the younger Chūnin corps members. The fatality rate for civilian kids in those two are pretty damn high," Tenzō pointed out, catching everyone's attention, "well if I was going to take a noticeable number of children whose families would definitely have the influence to raise a fuss, I'd target the children who were likely to die anyway. It would be easy to steal up to ten kids a year from the corps."

"You're working under the assumption that they would want children with shinobi training, which might not be the case," Kakashi played devil's advocate.

"None of the poorer children taken so far have been over the age eleven- that's Academy age. Clearly shinobi training is a factor here, somehow," Genma added.

"Aa, true. But if deaths are being faked for wealthier children, that still doesn't match with Su-chan's case. She wasn't in the corps and it was a clear kidnapping."

"Except we don't know that. If they took her under the assumption she was a civilian, they wouldn't have accounted for Hatake Kakashi on the trail as quickly as you were. For all we know, the fact that they lost you was due to their paranoid over cautious planning, and not that they expected someone of your tracking abilities to follow them. They could have been planning for a fake death which was no longer viable because of you," Genma argued.

"And the fact that she wasn't in the corps?" He raised his visible brow in Genma's direction, but received no reply as Genma removed his bandana and raked his fingers wearily through his hair.

Kakashi was aware that this investigation was starting to take a toll on Genma, "all of this is nothing but conjecture until we have proof. You know this."

Genma reluctantly nodded, with a grimace, "Yeah, I know."

Taking in the restrained frustration and anger in his friend's form, Kakashi released a sigh, "you're closest to this case, Genma. We still have no proof that these missing children are in any way related to Su-chan. If you go digging through Genin and Chūnin corps deaths over the last ten years on a vague hope you're looking in the right direction, you could waste a lot of time and kick up some secrets best left forgotten in the mean time. Are you sure you want to do this?"

Genma gave a satisfied, if still tired, smirk at the implicit go ahead, "I'll get on it right away."

Gai, on the other hand, had thrown himself into investigating the Fukuda clan with the same ridiculous zeal that he threw himself into everything. Despite this type of work not playing to his strengths, he left no stone unturned with only a small amount of direction from Kakashi.

Any clan that had gotten to the level of wealth and prominence that the Fukudas had were certain to have more than one closet full of skeletons, but unfortunately none in the direction that gave them any information they were looking for.

Kakashi still took careful note of some of the dirty secrets he could use against them at a later date if it was ever called for - there was no use throwing away a potential advantage when it was staring him in the face.

The last place they needed to search was the safe kept in the heart of the Fukuda compound, in the Fukuda Head's personal study. They kept sold copies of their most important documents there, or at least that was what Kakashi had come to understand. In order to do that, they needed to sneak in and out via the child's room without waking him: easy for someone of Kakashi and Tenzō's calibre.

Or at least it should have been, which was why he felt so caught off guard on his way out of the house - with Tenzō waiting just outside - when he realised the boy's breathing had changed to something lighter and quicker. Kakashi froze where he was crouched in the far corner of the ceiling from the boy's bed hidden in the shadow, but the moment he glanced at the bed he saw the wide open eyes trained on him.

There was a prolonged silence as wondered whether to knock the boy out in the hope that he'd pass it all off as a dream the next morning, before the child opened his mouth. Kakashi internally tensed in preparation to cut off a scream or shout as quickly and painlessly as possible.

"So you've finally come crawling out from under the bed, huh," the boy's voice wobbled a little in his false bravado, and his fists clutched at his blanket.

Kakashi tilted his masked face in confusion. What was the kid talking about?

"I told that evil toad of a woman to give me a tuna sandwich to leave under the bed for you, but she didn't fucking believe you existed! So it's not my fault you're hungry, and I-I'm warning you, I have a torch. One beam from this awesome thing and you're a goner. J-just don't eat me."

At this point the smart thing to do was to leave by the window as per his original plan and let anyone the kid told in the morning chalk his words up to tall tales if he was going around already talking about monsters under the bed.

For some reason, instead he found himself replying, "I'm not going to eat you." He disguised his voice, but he was still regretting saying anything the moment the words left his mouth.

"O-oh. You're a vegetarian monster I guess, no wonder you never ate the tuna sandwiches I left you as an offering," the boy sniffled slightly then, and added tremulously, "so you didn't eat my shitty brother? He looked a bit like me, but taller, less handsome and way less charming."

Ah shit, Kakashi really didn't want to get into the mess that was the once Fukuda heir, he wanted to console the boy in front of him, but anything he said would undoubtedly contradict what the child had been told and he couldn't have him blurting out things no one the boy knew would have told him.

"No," he simply replied.

"I thought you might have eaten him, see, because that made more sense to me than some bastard hating him so much they'd... he could be a pretty big jerk but he wasn't so bad. He snuck me pudding on some nights I was in trouble for swearing at Tou-san."

The boy lost his fight with tears and began making far too loud sniffs as his nose ran horrifically. Kakashi almost bolted at the sight.

"S-see Monster-san, someone with social disabilities and an emotional spectrum that runs toward the evil side like you wouldn't understand; I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me."

"I see." If Tenzō told anyone this kid said Kakashi had social disabilities while thinking he was a monster under his bed, he'd delight in torturing his Kohai.

"But not in an incest way. Only spiritually," he added helpfully. Kakashi almost choked - Tenzō did.

Seeing now, with far too much clarity, why Su-chan had liked this strange child he leapt onto the window sill to leave.

"Wait! Wait Monster-san, I need to ask you something," the child whisper-shouted.

He sighed, slumped, and tilted his head to show he was listening.

"I don't really know how it all works, but could you ask around with all your monster friends about a girl called Sona?"

He could feel an unpleasant jolt shoot through his body and he visibly tensed at the unexpected mention of Su-chan.

"I know girls are fucking useless and gross, but this one is pretty cool. She said she'd see me when I wasn't grounded, but she hasn't shown up. I've looked for her... shit, you probably only take requests for evil doing, but just this once... could you find her and bring her back?"

Kakashi felt a tightening in his throat and he had to pause for a moment before he answered, "what makes you think she needs bringing back?"

"I... I don't. But... I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction, and it makes me wonder if she's been hurt by some bastard or they're stopping her from seeing me."

"She matters that much to you?" He rasped. There was a pause, and Kakashi almost left without waiting to hear the reply - when it came the boy's voice was quiet and serious.

"I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky," he fiddled absently with bracelet Kakashi recognised around his wrist, "Sona is that kind of a friend."

Masami gazed back at Kakashi with eyes that held far to much intelligence and wisdom for a kid his age, and for a second he wondered if the boy was another person living his second life, but a brief glance around the child's room easily disproved that - that well played with toys and typical wear and tear he might expect from a rambunctious boy's actions.

"I'll find her," he promised, and then leapt alongside Tenzō from the windowsill to the roof opposite the clan Head's house. When he turned back, Masami was peering up out of his window to where Kakashi was still visible.

"You should sleep," he awkwardly told the kid.

The boy shrugged, "I think I'll stay up for a bit, Monster-san. If people just sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot fucking differently."

Kakashi was seriously done with weirdly wise children for the night, he'd found it strange when Itachi had been in Anbu but at least the boy was a teenager and a shinobi - on top of carrying around that quiet old man air, it was almost expected when the now missing-nin had spouted something strangely perceptive and deep -this kid had none of the same old man aura and so it was even more jarring coming from him.

Perhaps he'd radiated his thoughts too obviously from his body language - not that he'd made an effort to hide them - because Masami grinned: a mischievous chubby cheeked thing.

"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."

Well he'd succeeded and Kakashi was not sticking around for the young child to become stranger. Without response, he turned and left the compound, having firmly closed the investigation into the Fukuda clan with nothing to show for it but another promise.

An almost silent snorting noise left Tenzō the moment they were clear of the buildings, and Kakashi cast a dark glare sideways at the young man, "Not a word," he threatened.

* * *

The green spandex clan Jōnin entered the Hokage's office with surprisingly little fanfare, dragging his best friend and Eternal Rival with him who slunk in like a disgruntled cat - not that the man would appreciate the comparison if someone told him.

"Ah thank you for fetching him, Gai-san. It would be a shame for such an esteemed member of our shinobi force to be so late as to miss a meeting with their Hokage entirely," Sarutobi pointedly remarked. His tone was light with humorous chastisement, but the fact that he said anything at all was a warning.

The last meeting between Kakashi and the Hokage was an unspoken thing between the two of them - while Sarutobi had not reprimanded Kakashi for his disrespect due to the man's clear distress (and of such a personal nature), it was not by any means forgotten.

He would not have allowed the vast majority of the Elemental Nations residents to speak to him in such a manner without exacting swift consequences, regardless of their distress or cause of it. But he was not only quite fond of Kakashi as Sarutobi Hiruzen the man, as the Sandaime Hokage Kakashi was also the closest he had to a mentee/protege/confidant, and he had hopes that he could pass the hat off to the Jōnin as soon as the man was ready (if not ever entirely willing) - something that was far closer thanks to the influence being a father had had on him.

Still, despite the preferential treatment he gave to the perpetually late man, he would only take a certain amount of disrespect before even Kakashi would be commanded to remember his place.

"Maa, sorry I was helping a puppy return to the little girl it belonged with," he shrugged lazily, hands in pockets.

Sarutobi declined to comment the thinly veiled explanation, and instead proceeded to order Anbu out of the room and activate the security seals in the room. Turning back to Kakashi and Gai, he could see both their eyes were sharper and more alert as looked at him, waiting for him to talk.

"Tomorrow morning every Jōnin-Sensei that has signed up and been assigned a team will meet here to be informed more about their potential Genin. I've asked you to meet with me today, Gai, because you're currently involved in an ongoing investigation. Before you agree to become a Jōnin-Sensei for the team I have in mind and split your duties, I want the situation to be clear."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" Gai beamed, his excitement and enthusiasm for gaining his own Genin team evident.

"The showing this year has been disappointing from the Academy students. While most students passed their Academy test, enough to fill ten teams, of those who passed two teams are fully expected to fail their Genin tests and require returning to the Academy, and six more are expected to fail, get sent to the Genin corps and become Chūnin corps at best.

"Leaving only two teams with any potential. This means that we have been able to be highly selective with which two Jōnin are most suitable to bring the most out of the remaining two teams. You are one of them.

"I want to make it clear to you, as someone who has never taught before, not to go into teaching a Genin team under the common misconception that only Genin considered eventual top Jōnin potential get the privilege of a Jōnin-Sensei," this, Sarutobi knew, would be news to both men in the room.

"There are many specialisations that do not require traditional Jōnin level shinobi skills, but are still incredibly important to Konoha. Sometimes those Genin showing such potential are given to a Jōnin-Sensei in a team and sometimes they are given an apprenticeship.

"I want to give you a Hyūga prodigy of the branch family - Hyūga Neji. He has incredible potential, given his disadvantages, and a branch member vastly outperforming any main family member could result in the shift I need to reduce the Hyūga divide. This has become a top priority now that we only have a single Uchiha; the most influential clan in Konoha cannot be as limited as it is if we are to regain our strength to pre-Kyūbi attack.

"The obvious issue is, of course, that many of the techniques he needs you will not be able to teach him. The less obvious issue is his attitude. He is, from all observations, a bitter, cynical and pessimistic boy - I need not explain why - and I believe he is sabotaging his own true potential because of this. Added to the lack of competition he has had in class from his peers, and his progress will remain stymied until properly motivated. That is where you come in as his sensei.

"The second student is a Kunoichi, who I believe will be capable of working well with the Hyūga, due to her hard working nature. She is the daughter of a black smith and a budding weapons mistress: Yakin Tenten. I don't think you will have many problems with her as long as you ensure she maintains a strong work ethic and passion for honing her skills," here the Sandaime paused to clear his throat and puff on his pipe as he assessed how the two men in front of him were receiving his words so far.

Gai had not lost even an edge of his enthusiasm, and in direct contrast, Kakashi was slumped against the wall with his nose in a book - not appearing to pay any attention at all to someone less observant and knowledgable of Kakashi's quirks than Sarutobi.

"Hai, Hokage-sama! I look forward to filling my students with Flames of Youth until they are Exploding with the Passion of Hard Work! I can assist both my Eternal Rival and my students!" Gai boomed, his grin somehow managing to widen even further.

"It's the last student I need you to understand about before you commit yourself to anything, Gai-san: Rock Lee." For some reason Gai's eyes seemed to light up with fire and Kakashi slumped even further against the wall as though he wished to become one with it.

"Now normally, had there been any more potential in this bout of Genin hopefuls, Rock Lee would not be given the chance I am allowing. Due to a medical condition that will be included in his file, he is entirely unable to use chakra outside of his body. His coils are not functional. Exceptions might have been made for him if he showed himself to be particularly skilled in a more intellectual shinobi discipline, but he doesn't stand out there either. On top of this he is a civilian without the extra physical training clans provide their children, which has left him at the usual disadvantage.

"His Academy tutors held little hope for him from the beginning, and this has reflected in the attention they paid his form in taijutsu, shuriken and kunai throwing. However, for the boy to reach his last year in the Academy despite these major disadvantages, shows an impressive amount of Will and dedication.

"His stamina was tested, and it was found to be equally impressive for an Academy student. He has passed his written test, weapons throwing test - despite a badly learned form- and just scraped his taijutsu test. Before I allowed him to pass without requiring ninjutsu I required him to submit to a medical exam; his musculature showed itself to be particularly impressive and well formed for his age and training levels - more akin to a child from a taijutsu focussed clan. Based upon this information, I'm giving him one chance. Just one.

"I want you to test him, not necessarily for his skill, but his potential. I believe he has a lot of potential in taijutsu with the right training, but as our expert it is up to you to come to the final conclusion. Keep in mind, Gai-san, that if you pass this boy he will need to keep up with his team's progress; I don't want them slowed down by him playing catch up, even if that means extra training between the two of you. If you see true worth in Rock Lee tomorrow, I would like you to teach the boy everything you know. If not, the boy is to be dropped from the shinobi programme entirely.

"Knowing you may well be committing to this, are you willing to become a Jōnin-Sensei - can you become a Jōnin-Sensei?" The Hokage held his palm up the moment Gai opened his mouth, "please discuss this with Kakashi first."

Sarutobi was surprised by how quickly Kakashi replied, "This is important, Gai - you know it is, it's the future. I still have Tenzō and Genma to help me, and if I need you, I'll let you know."

Gai's eyes watered, touched, before he burst out, "My Eternal Rival! Such Youthful Words!"

Tears ran down the dramatic man's face while he belted out his emotions, and in the pause from taking a breath to belt more words out, Kakashi's bored drawl cut through the moment as he glanced up from his book, "Maa, did you say something?"

"Argh, Kakashi you are still so Hip and Cool!"

Sarutobi could feel a challenge monologue coming on and swiftly cut the Taijutsu Master off, "Thank you, that will be all, Gai."

"Hai, Hokage-Sama! I will not fail you in bringing the spark of my Genin's Springtime Youth in a roaring blaze of flames!" The man bowed respectfully and left.

There was ringing silence for a few seconds afterward, before Kakashi tucked his book away gave an apologetic bow, "I humbly apologise for the disrespect I gave you last time we spoke Hokage-sama."

"Rise, Kakashi. I understand; I took no offence. I only kept you behind to request that by the end of next week you return to give me a verbal report on your progress so far."

"Hai, Sarutobi-sama," Kakashi eye smiled, still sounding mildly apologetic. He knew though, that half of what should go into that report was never going to reach the old man's ears. Not until it was already too late to prevent Kakashi from doing whatever he deemed necessary to get Su-chan back, regardless of how many powerful toes he stepped on.

Sarutobi smiled a kindly smile, "Let me know if you require any further assistance in the investigation."

They bid each other goodbye, and even after he'd left Kakashi didn't give any outward sign of the lack of genuine regret - the apathy - he felt at his previous disrespect toward the Hokage. Despite almost all the impressions he gave off, Kakashi didn't actually have much loyalty toward the hierarchy within Konoha. He had once, but that had died a little alongside Obito, and then even more when Minato-Sensei was killed. He had maintained obedience afterward because there had been nothing else in his life at the time that he'd valued, and so nothing to disobey for.

But Kakashi had already shown his tolerance for treason when Danzō almost convinced him to aid in the assassination of the Sandaime. He'd learned at the time that the current Hokage was not the weak liability to Konoha that Danzō was portraying him as, and though Kakashi had since given no indication of anything but loyalty to Sarutobi, the underlying values that had allowed Kakashi to plan the Hokage's death were still there.

Things were different now, of course. He had a personal relationship with the man that didn't exist before. He was fond of him, and vice versa. He had a level of understanding and trust and respect with Sarutobi that he hadn't at that age. But he also had a far clearer understanding of the man's true weaknesses and flaws. He had a family that he cared about immeasurably more. He had crucial knowledge he could never share with the old man. He was more confident in his own judgement as a shinobi. Politically, he was far more powerful now on his own merits.

So despite his sincere sounding apology he was not genuine, because ever since he had heard exactly what was likely to come in the future from Su-chan's mouth, and had loosely calculated the changes Konoha needed to implement if it wanted to survive (but more importantly the changes he needed to implement if he wanted his family to survive), Sarutobi had quickly become evident in his mind as an obstacle. The man was too weary, too complacent, too forgiving and not forgiving enough at all the wrong times. Sarutobi was someone who could ostensibly maintain the status quo all while power and control slipped through his tired fingers.

Konoha needed a maverick. Kakashi didn't want to be that maverick (Kami did he not want to be that person) but he wouldn't hesitate if he was the best option and it was needed. If that required the _permanent_ retirement of Hiruzen and all his advisors... well that was what Kakashi was best at.

* * *

 _Would you like to see Gai's meeting of his Genin at some point, as a canon omake sort of scene? If yes, it won't go like canon. If no, assume it goes pretty much exactly like canon._

 _I'm pretty sure the line about Kakashi showing tolerance for treason is a line I read in another fanfic a little while ago, but I'm not sure. I'm sorry I can't remember who wrote it or what the story was called if that's the case - but props to them because clearly it has stuck in my mind since I saw it._

 _I didn't initially plan on Kakashi having anything to do with Sarutobi stepping down/dying, but that last part just came out of nowhere and now I'm considering it. Do you guys want to see some slightly dark & ruthless but pragmatic Kakashi actually plan that and be like "sorry but he's a liability," or maybe just take advantage of a convenient situation and do a Scar to Mufasa (without the preplanning death situation part) and decided "nah, you're good. I could save you but I won't."_

 _Yes? No?_


	50. Chapter 50

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

I wrote this during a night shift and I'd already been up 17 hours at the start of it. So... I don't know what the fuck happened while I was writing it but it's about 3000 words longer than planned and I can't remember exactly what I wrote to make it that long.

Is it even understandable between one line and the next? I hope the characters are relatively consistent throughout the chap and not super choppy as my tired brain forgot what their moods were supposed to be five seconds ago.

English is underlined like always

No beta and barely any proof reading

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 49 - The Righteous Side Of Hell**

With Tenzō on an Anbu mission, Kakashi and Genma spent five days painstakingly double checking every Genin and Chūnin corps death that had occurred going back over ten years. They paid particular attention to the instances in which no body was brought home, or the body was disfigured to the point that it was unrecognisable.

It was daunting and at times sickening work. Both men were submerged in the deaths of hundreds of children and teenagers, but they sternly battered their soft edges into place and continued onwards. If perhaps their appetites were diminished and their conversations stilted - they told themselves it was because they were too busy to eat and talk all that much.

It became obvious though, as patterns emerged, that Tenzō and Genma's hunch had been correct. After the age of graduation and before the age of eighteen - more often than not before sixteen - there had been a number of Genin and Chūnin whose medical reports post mortem had all been done by medics outside of the standard medic group for the corps. Dead shinobi were supposed to be dealt with in a very specific way once returned to Konoha, something that was designed and implemented during the second shinobi war due to some very disturbing justus performed with dead bodies.

A close look at the paperwork revealed that it was impossible for the standard procedure to have been followed out. On top of that, comparing the missing Genin and Chūnin showed an obvious similarity between them; all of them had shown potential for a particular skill or set of skills, but had failed to reach or show that potential in the Genin test.

"So... we have someone taking the poorer children before Academy graduation, when they're official shinobi of the leaf. We have the wealthier children with faked deaths before true adulthood, all Genin and Chūnin corps with talent that could have seen them onto a Genin team with a Jōnin-Sensei had circumstances been different.

"What's betting that the kids from the disadvantaged backgrounds also had burgeoning shinobi talent? The question is, were they looking for dead children with shinobi talent to use, or live shinobi? We also need to know if the shinobi clans have been targeted," Genma pondered.

They made their way out of the building as they spoke, careful to keep their voices low.

Kakashi frowned, "On top of that, we need to find out what the hell they promised or threatened these kids with to make them fake their own deaths. Most of the faked deaths couldn't have been achieved without cooperation."

"Anbu," came the abrupt voice behind them. They turned quickly, startled to see a young olive haired kunoichi holding files - she seemed to shrink a little at their combined attention, before gathering herself and straightening up.

"I- I'm sorry for listening into your conversation... but you requested the post mortem report for my team mate and so I couldn't help but want to know why," she averted her eyes, but other than that her posture remained sure.

"How did you sneak up on us?" Kakashi casually asked, his lazy slouch disguising the face that he had a kunai in his grip.

The olive haired girl blushed slightly, "it's the one thing I'm good at. I can suppress my chakra and move without detection to a very high level, but the rest of my skills are low Chūnin. Not enough to escape the life of a career Chūnin."

"Maa don't downplay yourself. That was very impressive, kunoichi-san. Now, what was that about Anbu?" Kakashi slouched even further, all the while keeping his senses even more carefully peeled for anyone listening in.

"O-oh right. You wanted to know what the shinobi who faked their deaths were promised to ensure their cooperation. My teammate was from a rich civilian clan, and up until the last year in the Academy he was near top of his class; he had high expectations for himself. He was quite good, and he even knew a few doton-justsu but... he was in a class full of Shinobi clan kids who were grouped together in Genin teams while he got stuck in a team with other civilian kids.

"He was bitter when his Jōnin-Sensei didn't give him an opportunity to show his skills before he failed them all for their bad tactical planning. He thought he deserved better than the Chūnin corps, and he had the drive and ambition to reach Jōnin one day if he kept at it, but he always said if he'd had a Jōnin-Sensei he'd reach that goal quicker.

"I overheard him one day, talking to someone. They were promising initiation in Anbu if he faked his death. When he asked why he had to fake his death, he was told that they do that for any Genin or Chūnin corps member who becomes an Anbu initiate. He believed them... I believed them - for most shinobi below Jōnin, Anbu is a very mysterious organisation. Was-was it not true after all?" Her voice weakened as fear and guilt stained her words, her eyes flicking up nervously toward the two Jōnin.

Genin thoughtfully twirled the senbon in his mouth as he and Kakashi made brief eye contact. The minute tilt of the scarecrow's head gave Genma the go ahead to speak his thoughts to woman.

"We don't know. We're still looking into it. But are you willing to testify that to the Hokage if it comes to it?"

The woman appeared flustered and overwhelmed by the request, but eventually nodded her head, "Yes, if it will help."

"Thank you. You've been very helpful," He charmingly grinned. Her face went bright red and she tripped over her words, squeaking when he winked.

As they left, Kakashi thoughtfully murmured in English, "Someone needs to keep an eye on her. She's a valuable eye witness."

"I'll take care of it," Genma confidently stated, also switching language - albeit much patchier in his pronunciation.

"I'm sure you will," he dryly replied.

"Now? You want to look at ninja families? See if the same is happening?"

"No. If this is being done by someone with the power to believably promise Anbu recruitment, I can make an easy guess as to how clan shinobi are being taken. This all comes back to Anbu, and considering today happens to be the day our two disgraced Anbu should be back from their suspension I want to know where fuck their official reports are." The fact that the Hokage hadn't yet called on either of them told Kakashi that the report hadn't been handed to the man yet and it was overdue.

* * *

Kakashi entered Anbu barracks confidently, a part of him relishing the immediate tensing of everyone in his vicinity.

"Taichou, you can't be in here," one of them muttered without strength, seeing that he wasn't a murderous ball of rage unlike last time.

Kakashi ignored them, and spoke to the whole room, "I need the team captain of Washi and Yamori here. Now."

There was a beat, during which no one knew whether to follow his command, or try to make him leave, but then one of them stood up and left to fetch the team captain and the rest subsided with only a mumble or two about protocol.

It was barely a minute before the shinobi returned with the team captain, someone with an ox mask.

"Can I help you, Hatake-san?" The question was asked in a neutral tone, but it was unmistakably male.

"You have two Anbu members in your team; Washi and Yamori. Their report before their suspension has yet to be handed to the Hokage. Where is it and why has it not reached him yet?"

There was a short pause, the captain clearly caught off guard, before he cautiously replied, "Washi and Yamori are due to arrive in half an hour for duty. I haven't seen them since the start of their suspension- they had yet to hand their report to me at that time and, as you are aware, Anbu on medical leave or on suspension have the option to hand their report into the Hokage personally. I believed until now that they had done so."

Kakashi's visible eye narrowed in suspicion at just how late their report was, distrust growing toward the two Anbu who had been so distracted during Su-chan's kidnapping.

"Very well, I'll inform the Hokage. Don't let them leave once they've entered the building. I have no doubt that the Anbu commander will want a word with them once he hears of this."

"The commander is not in village currently, but I will inform Nara Shikaku myself," the captain bowed his head, his anger at his subordinates not quite suppressed enough for Kakashi to miss it.

With the Anbu commander so often busy dealing with the highest level of confidential tasks by themself, the more day to day tasks of Anbu commander often fell to Nara Shikaku, the Jōnin commander - quite possibly the simultaneously most lazy and overworked man in Konoha. They really needed someone to officially create the role of assistant Anbu commander to give the man a break.

Kakashi didn't waste any time updating Genma and making his way to Hokage, prepared to have the man sign off on having Washi and Yamori taken to T&I if their explanations weren't fantastic and airtight. He landed on the windowsill and slipped inside the room, the Hokage immediately eyeing him curiously.

"Ah, Kakashi. What can I do for you?" Sarutobi genially smiled, placing his pen down and gladly placing the paperwork aside for the time being.

"I'm here to give you my report thus far."

Sarutobi made no comment about the report being before the deadline given for once, and merely waved his Anbu guard from the room while activating the security seals.

"Primarily you should be aware that Washi and Yamori have yet to hand their report in to their team captain. It is, as you know, almost two weeks late now. They have given no reason as to why, and have not been seen since their suspension. This is highly suspect and outside of all known Anbu protocols. I would like permission for them to be taken to T&I and rigorously questioned," Kakashi began, an undercurrent to his voice that revealed just how furious he was at the entire situation.

The Hokage puffed briefly at his pipe as his dark eyes revealed how serious he was taking the unspoken accusation within Kakashi's words, "Granted. Both Washi and Yamori are to be taken for interrogation. Torture techniques are not to be applied unless further proof of a crime has been revealed. As the leader in the investigation, you can of course preside over the interrogation if you wish."

The eye smile Kakashi gave the Hokage would have disturbed a lesser man.

Before he could say anything in response, though, the door burst open and an old man with a cane entered the room with a stately walk that seemed at odds with his need for a cane, one arm and half his face covered in bandages. He had an X scar on his chin, a permanently grim expression on his weathered face, and a cold calculating look in his visible eye.

Kakashi swallowed the rage and nausea back at the knowledge of the scarlet pigment that existed in the socket of his hidden eye, and all over his bandaged arm.

"Danzō, this a private meeting," Sarutobi frowned, though with little genuine censure.

"I heard the Hatake heir was missing, Hiruzen," Danzō spoke in his usual curt manner, ignoring the Hokage's previous words.

"Yes, we have people looking into it already," he patiently replied. The Hokage didn't bother asking how he knew such information, already aware that something like this couldn't be kept from the man for long. The fact that it had taken two weeks was a miracle, and his old friend must have been occupied by something very important.

"It's a disgrace. I told you when the Hyūga heir was almost taken but you didn't listen then, and now an heir has been successfully kidnapped from us. The soft training we give the Anbu churns out subpar shinobi. It's one thing to coddle the children as you insist, but to coddle the black ops is weak, and now we have the proof."

Sarutobi sighed, placing his pipe down on the desk and clasping his hands together, "What would you have me do then, Old friend?"

Kakashi grit his teeth together at the halfway conceding demeanour of Sarutobi and knew that whatever the outcome of the conversation, Danzō was going to walk away with too much of a victory. But in between the two old shinobi in the room, he was out of allies if he chose to speak up.

"Allow me to personally choose and train the next recruits. If there are no improved results, we will continue to do things your way. But if there is obvious gap in performance between those trained by my methods and those trained by yours, I redesign the Anbu training."

Sarutobi paused, thinking the offer over, "very well. But there are to be no Anbu recruits in your pick below the age of sixteen. Additionally, if a recruit wishes to drop out of your training they may do so just like any other Anbu recruitment training. How quickly do you intend to start recruiting?"

Danzō smiled slowly - an ugly thing, and replied smugly, "Today. I already have shinobi in mind."

"I will write to Nara Shikaku and the Anbu commander to inform of these changes," Sarutobi wrote a message for each, then signed and sealed them, "Kakashi, do you mind delivering the messages to Nara Shikaku on your way pick up our wayward Anbu? We can finish this report at another time, Danzō and I have more to speak about."

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Kakashi stepped forward to take them, reluctantly turning his back to the old warkawk. On his way out of the door, Danzō called out to him.

"I'll keep my ear to ground for you. An asset like the child belongs within Konoha," Danzō nodded to Kakashi gruffly, then turned back to Sarutobi.

Kakashi paused, his hand fisted as he dug his nails harshly into his palm to prevent himself from saying anything inadvisable, "Aa, that would be much appreciated."

* * *

By the time he reached Anbu barracks, enough time had passed since he'd left to meet with the Hokage that Washi and Yamori should have arrived.

"Where's Nara Shikaku?" Kakashi requested as soon as entered. Thankfully nobody bothered protesting his presence this time, although the rough quality to his voice certainly had them on edge.

"He's in his office," someone replied from the crowd. Kakashi didn't bother looking to identify who it was.

Nara Shikaku wasn't really supposed to have an office, due to not technically holding any position within Anbu, but overtime it had just materialised as he moved more and more things into a spare room that he couldn't be bothered to put back in its official place. One day a desk and chair had also shown up there and from then on it had been the Nara's unofficial office.

He knocked briefly on the door, flashing his chakra in a pattern the Nara would recognise, and then entered. He saw immediately from the man's expression that he was expecting him.

"This is so troublesome," the man sighed with genuine weary frustration, "Washi and Yamori didn't show up. We have shinobi out looking for them."

Kakashi's expression tightened, but he didn't comment beyond, "This is from the Hokage, for you and the Commander. The Hokage has given me permission to take Washi and Yamori to T&I when they're found."

"If they're found. Nobody's seen them since before their suspension. No one in Anbu knew who they were beneath their masks, and they don't have friends or family under the mask."

Nara wasn't officially supposed to depart with such personal information, but then again he also wasn't technically supposed to know such personal information about Anbu in the first place. Everyone above a certain level in the shinobi force knew that most of the rules only applied loosely to Kakashi due to his official title only being that of an ordinary Jōnin, but with the shadow of the Hokage title hanging constantly over his head.

"Hmm," Kakashi replied noncommittally.

Nara Shikaku immediately narrowed his eyes, "You know something. Or at least you suspect something."

"If I were you, I'd check that message from the Hokage sooner rather than later," was all Kakashi would say. The man was smart enough to put some of the pieces together just from the message and Kakashi's clues.

Before the Jōnin Commander could do so, though, an urgent fluctuation of chakra entered the building, and shortly burst into the room at the go ahead signal from the Nara.

"Nara-san! We believe we found Washi and Yamori," the Anbu panted, having clearly sprinted as fast as possible from where she'd come.

"Where are they?" The man sharply demanded, already gathering his weapons. If the missing Anbu didn't return with the woman then clearly there was a problem.

"Their bodies were found outside the walls of Konoha. It appears to be an enemy attack. I doubt they even made it home after their suspension."

"You said you believed they'd been found," Kakashi commented, as they quickly followed the Anbu to their bodies.

She hesitated before she replied, "Hai, Taichou. Their masks are badly broken and most of their faces have been disfigured by the wildlife over the last two weeks."

"Why did none of the patrols smell them?"

"It wasn't a technique I'm familiar with, Nara-san. Some kind of water vapour release, that absorbed the smell and prevented it from spreading. It resembled a Kiri silent killing technique, but that's just a guess. We disrupted it with a fuuton technique."

They arrived at the site, where there were two other Anbu waiting. Just as described, two bodies dressed in Anbu gear and with grotesquely disfigured features lay sprawled next to each other.

The bottom half of their faces were almost missing entirely right to the backs of their throats, and their eyes had been picked out by scavengers. The smell was horribly pungent and Kakashi was glad for his mask.

Following the suspicion that had been building slowly since he had realised the two hadn't handed their reports in, Kakashi crouched down and examined the missing section of their faces, his own face impassive even with the wave of rotten flesh that met his nose.

He quickly scanned the rest of the bodies, identifying the cause of death for both of them to be a blade piercing through the throat from behind.

"Did you move their bodies at all?" Kakashi questioned.

"No, Taichou. They're exactly as we found them," one of the Anbu replied.

"Hm, thank you," he stood up, brushing his pants off and glanced back at the Nara. Their eye contact was full of unspoken observations.

"Get their bodies back to base. I want an examination finished as soon as possible, and a report written up before the end of tomorrow," Shikaku commanded, then slouched and complained, "This has become even more troublesome."

Both men maintained their silence on the way back to Anbu barracks, Nara leading the way to the Anbu commander's office and immediately activating the commander's impressive security seals. Shikaku leaned back against the commander's desk and watched Kakashi with his perceptive dark eyes.

"You saw it too, then," the Jōnin Commander bluntly stated.

"Aa, the blood splatter indicated they fell where they were stabbed. Clean, straight from behind, same blade, same angle of height."

"Same person most likely, but the examination will confirm," the Nara sighed and rubbed his face as the implications truly settled, "so if they were stabbed one after the other, why did one of them not turn around to defend themselves? Why were they outside the gates in the first place? Genjutsu, or some sort of mind control? I think now is the time to tell me what you know, Hatake-san."

"Their faces were destroyed after death in such a way as to ensure their tongues were missing all the way back," Kakashi casually commented, "you should really read that message from the Hokage, Nara-san. Come to your own conclusions about what's been going on here, and what will be going on here imminently."

The Nara narrowed his eyes contemplatively at the other shinobi, his lightening fast brain ticking away, "You're so troublesome. Fine, but be sure that this isn't the end of the discussion."

Kakashi eye smiled, "Maa maa, I wouldn't dream of denying you my presence in such a way, Nara-san."

"Get out."

Kakashi did as instructed, and made his way immediately to Gai's apartment. As soon as he made it inside his face dropped from the laid back expression into something far more intimidating. He saw Gai, Genma and the newly returned Tenzō (still in his dirty blood splattered Anbu uniform, a fresh bandage applied to his left forearm) waiting for him - watching his posture tense and his fingers dig harshly into his palms.

He trembled, just for a moment, with fury and restrained the urge to snarl and break something.

"Kakashi?" Genma warily asked.

It took a moment for him to unclench his teeth and take a breath, "Danzō is involved in Su-chan's disappearance."

There was tense silence while the other two waited for Kakashi to explain himself, "There's still not strong enough proof to definitively link Su-chan and the missing children together. But both cases lead back to Anbu. There was only one person who came to mind when I thought of suspicious and untrustworthy Anbu."

"The most UnYouthful Danzō," Gai confirmed solemnly.

"Right. So I took a calculated risk. If it was Danzō, he'd have been aware of what we were investigated within the first few days that we began. If it was Danzō, and neither Washi and Yamori had handed their reports in - due almost two weeks ago - I figured chances were that they were Danzō's men. So I specifically mentioned their names in full view of the Anbu, and said I was taking the information to the Hokage.

"I believed that even if it wasn't Danzō, Washi and Yamori were still near certainly involved more than first appearances had suggested. Either the Hokage would allow me to interrogate the Anbu and give me proof of Danzō being involved by the seal on both their tongues, or give me proof of someone else in Konoha pulling their strings. Alternatively, it would pressure whoever was truly commanding them to show up to insert themselves into the situation in an attempt to control the outcome and cover up their involvement."

"I don't understand where the risk was in that decision," Genma slowly admitted.

"The risk was that if it was Danzō he was baiting, he was practically giving the man an opening to seek more control in Anbu as a method to cover up his actions. All he had to do was blame inefficiency in Anbu as it currently functions, with Su-chan's disappearance as proof," Tenzō explained, his voice heavy with dismay.

"And we all know the Hokage has a blind spot when it comes to the man," Kakashi nodded.

"Kakashi, what happened?" Genma asked, dread weighing his words down.

"I didn't anticipate Washi and Yamori already being dead. I should have, it was short sighted of me not to. Of course Danzō would have had them killed the moment it became clear that they would be under scrutiny due to their involvement in Su-chan's disappearance. Dead accomplices can't implicate him. I gave him everything he needed to persuade the Hokage to implement a harsher training regime personally overseen by him for the new recruts in Anbu - recruits he could pick himself.

"Now he has the perfect set up to flood Anbu with Root even more than they've already infiltrated it. After that it will be easy for him to gain full control of our black ops before three years have passed, by setting up the deaths of the Anbu loyal to Konoha one by one and replacing them with his own brainwashed shinobi."

"Shit," Genma breathed in horror, "Shitshitshitshitshit."

"What do you suggest we do about this most UnYouthful plan of Danzōs, Kakashi?"

"We need evidence against him a lot quicker than we can currently get hold of it. Strong evidence against him. The problem is that the old bastard has eyes everywhere thanks to treating with enemies and allies of Konoha alike. Any investigation we began would be noticed by him far too quickly. On top of that, I think we need someone with a more official title than I have helping us by slowing down his progress," Kakashi scrubbed his fingers harshly through his hair as he created and unmade plans, testing out scenario after scenario.

"You need a man on the inside, Taichou," Tenzō quietly spoke, unwavering eye contact with the man who held his loyalty above anyone else.

Kakashi stared at him for a moment as Tenzō's words landed, and then he went cold. His immediate response was to deny Tenzō, not willing to make him go back there - the place he'd been trying to leave behind mentally long after he left physically.

"Gai is not suitable for Root, Genma already has a seal on his tongue that would be immediately noticeable. The fact that mine is a different seal than the one that used to be there will not be identified due to looking almost identical. It cannot be you, because they would never trust you. I can, however, make myself seem like I am growing distant from you due to your attention being focussed on looking for Subaru. Danzō is certain to take advantage of me if I appear to be untethered during such a situation.

"I will be under suspicion for some time, but Danzō is arrogant in his ability to create completely loyal shinobi due to the belief that his training techniques are vastly superior. If I play the role well enough, I believe I can collect the evidence needed to deal with him by mid next year."

"The Chūnin exams that will be held in Konoha, according to Su-chan," Kakashi reluctantly confirmed, feeling like his blood flushing hot and cold with each heartbeat.

"Yes. I'm sure plans are already being created for it, and if not they will be soon. There is very little possibility that Danzō was not aware of most if not all of the Suna-Oto invasion plan, should Subaru's knowledge of events prove correct."

Kakashi's resulting silence was pained, as his thoughts and alternative plans flickered through his mind rapidly.

"I don't want to ask this of you, Tenzō," he tensely admitted, when he couldn't think of a better plan.

"You're not, Kakashi-senpai. You never would," the corner of the serious man's lips twitched into an almost smile, though his expression remained solemn with the weight of what he'd offered.

Kakashi's stomach and chest was tight, his whole body clenched uncomfortably and he struggled to swallow over the lump in the base of his throat. He knew there was a better idea, a plan that didn't risk Tenzō's mind and sanity as much as reentering Root did, but he couldn't _think_. All his thoughts were rushing too fast and too useless.

The last two weeks had been far less intense than so many of his missions, and yet there had been too many unresolved revelations. Too much life changing knowledge he'd barely given time to. The weight of the future of the entire world was suddenly on his shoulders, and although he knew he had the support of every man in the room, he was the Taichou of this group. He was responsible if they failed.

But he could barely give the future the time and attention the serious problem deserved when he was trying to unravel the complete mess that was Subaru's kidnapping. In the back of his mind, like a dull painful throb that wore him down over time, was the consistent betrayal and paradigm shift that was 'ObitoObitoObitoObitoObitoObito'. And now there was Danzō and Root as an immediate problem, one he had anticipated having a couple more years before he had to deal with.

It was a lot... it was too much. He was ashamed to admit it even to himself, because there was no one else to carry this weight. It wasn't fair to ask that of someone even if there was.

"Kakashi, you're making your hand bleed," Gai's concerned voice pierced through his spiralling thoughts, and he realised that he'd clenched his hand enough to cut his palm.

His breath was getting too shallow and fast, as he identified the tension in his muscles and the tightness in his stomach and lungs was anxiety that was turning into panic.

He swallowed harshly and forced his hand to unclench, breathing carefully as he avoided eye contact while he reigned in his control over himself, shame curling in his gut for losing his hold on himself in such a way, even for a moment, in front of the others.

"My Eternal Rival, I believe you were correct when you said that we need the support of someone Youthful. You must share the burden of your mind with someone capable - you have not had time to process the words shared by Su-hime and I think you will continue to struggle with yourself until you do," Gai shared his 'words of Wisdom' as Su-chan had called it when he said something perceptive.

"There are seals on our tongues for a reason, Gai," Kakashi argued, "I'm not sharing our secrets with someone just because I'm having a rough few days."

"No, I don't think he means your personal burdens. You're the best strategic and tactical planner here, Kakashi. We can only help you so much in that regard. Tenzō has practice leading a team... but the sort of long term wide spread consequences are your area. You need someone who can share that burden. Personally, I think it's pretty obvious who you should involve," Genma confidently stated.

Kakashi raised a brow in question, still barely keeping himself together.

"Well, you need a Nara. You need _the_ Nara. Who better to help with Danzō than the unofficial second Anbu Commander? He could help not only with Danzō but in the search for Subaru, since it's starting to look like they might be two different aspects of the same thing."

Kakashi leaned back against the table and forced his body to relax as he considered it. He didn't necessarily need to tell Nara Shikaku about his knowledge of the future, and the man had no trust or liking for Danzō - he would certainly want to be part of keeping the Warhawk's talons out of Anbu. On top of that, he could keep a far better eye on Tenzō than Kakashi could if he went back into Root.

The Jōnin Commander was already curious about what Kakashi knew, and everyone knew a curious Nara was impossible to shake. He'd figure out what Danzō was doing eventually, even with the sparse pieces of the puzzle he currently had - but by that point it could well be too late for the genius to do anything. Perhaps it was better, then, to inform the Nara before that point and bring him on side.

A closer relationship with Nara Shikaku could only be a good thing if he needed to fill the vacuum of power that would be left when any combination of Danzō, the Elder council and the Hokage stepped down and/or died.

With Nara Shikaku's support came the support of the Yamanaka clan and the Aburame clan. A very good position to be in if he needed to fill the Hokage position himself, or put someone with his approval in the hat.

He finally released a breath and stretched out the tension in his neck, "Let's hope he can come up with something that doesn't lead to a new Hokage being needed before the Chūnin exams next year."

"Why's that?" Tenzō asked, the other two relaxing slightly when they saw Kakashi's implied agreement to Genma and Gai's suggestion.

"Because I really don't want to be Hokage, but from the way Su-chan made it sound - the only way we're getting the most stubborn woman any of us will ever meet to come back to Konoha and take the hat is by an obnoxiously orange Genin with more integrity and luck than every shinobi in Konoha put together. And he just so happens to still be an Academy student for another year."

There was a pause and then Kakashi eye smiled and added, "At least I get to see Nara's face when he realises I've just significantly increased his work load."

Genma snorted, "Kami, you're such a sadistic bastard."

* * *

Setting up a more detailed plan to make Tenzō appear to struggling in his 'abandonment' by his senpai took some time. It needed to be fluid and loose enough not to break apart at the first significant hurdle, but thorough and concise enough for Tenzō to cling to when Root was trying to break him apart and back into blind obedience.

If the Nara agreed, he was to be Tenzō's point of contact due to convenience and ease of meeting without suspicion, but if not then the mokuton user was to leave messages that were complete gibberish until a mixture of phonetic and non-phonetic translations into English were applied. It was a code that was useless to anyone but Kakashi; even Genma and Gai were not practiced enough in the language to understand the code.

Tenzō was only capable of it because when Subaru became particularly passionate and excited about traps she was designing, she often scrawled a messy combination of Englanese that made no sense to anyone who hadn't had practice deciphering it.

Once they had all come to something resembling an agreement on all the particulars of Tenzō's undercover mission, Kakashi knew the dead Anbu's bodies would have been through an autopsy and Nara Shikaku would likely want to see him, if just to resentfully mutter troublesome at him a few times. It was as good a time as any to fully inform the man of the Danzō shaped shit storm coming his way.

He walked into the Anbu barracks without anyone even attempting to suggest he shouldn't be there, clearly resigned to the fact that he was going to get away with showing up regardless.

A quick fluctuation of his chakra, a short signal to enter and Kakashi was treated to the sight of Nara massaging his forehead and looking aggrieved. He stood with nothing but a mild glare and lead the way to the Anbu commander's office where he could activate the seals needed for secrecy.

"Twelve minutes. That's how long I've been home in the last 24 hours. My troublesome wife is certainly going to be mad at me when this continues all week," the Nara grouched.

"Aa, definitely. You have no chance of getting home for a while," Kakashi cheerfully agreed.

Shikaku gave a deadpan stare, heavy with dark bags under his eyes, before he blinked slowly and seemed to change his mind about whatever violent thing he was momentarily tempted to commit.

"I have two dead Anbu linked to a case they were suspended over that I can't find any fucking information about, killed by the same person with no attempt to defend themselves, I have Danzō hijacking the new recruits and stepping all over Anbu command thanks to 'inefficient results', and I have your cryptic comment that points to these things things being connected.

"I've drawn my own theories, but that's all they are right now. You've been looking into records of dead Genin and Chūnin recently, clearly on a mission, but I checked the mission roster and neither you or Genma have any missions ongoing right now. I also checked to see if anyone was looking into whatever you were so furious about that Anbu are still talking about it two weeks later - according to the records, no one is looking into anything approaching the 'safety of Konoha's residents in the West Civilian District' three hours before you made the Anbu there wet themselves

"I analysed the reports of a few of the dead shinobi you were looking into and they all showed some fairly damning inconsistencies that pointed to them potentially not being dead at all. So now we have Kami knows how many missing shinobi, connected to a mystery off record mission that you're in charge of, connected to two murdered Anbu with their tongues destroyed, connected to Shimura fucking Danzō."

Nara Shikaku took a deep breath while Kakashi felt impressed that he'd actually made the man swear. Twice.

"Tell me, Hatake-san, that Root is still disbanded. Tell me that Root is not infiltrating Anbu with all but outright permission from our Hokage, in order to allow you to have a better chance of exposing Danzō for the treasonous scum he is."

"Root never was disbanded. It just went underground and Danzō began kidnapping his recruits instead. If he's taken that many from within Konoha, imagine how many he's snatched from outside the walls. As for my mission, I'm afraid it's worse than that, and I need your help," Kakashi calmly explained.

The Jōnin Commander released an exhausted sigh, "Troublesome. Alright, go ahead, ruin my week more than it already has been."

Kakashi proceeded to explain about Subaru occasionally going out under a pseudonym in order to become acquainted with Konoha without the risk of being linked to her father, her kidnapping, the chase after her trail and failure to find her, Washi and Yamori's negligence of their duty and suspension, the Hokage granting Kakashi leadership over an unofficial mission due to suspicion of a leak somewhere high up. He spoke of following the trail of the rumour that had distracted the Anbu back to its source, discovering the story of the missing children and the true tale behind the distraction - their suspicions about how the situation was set up specifically to waylay the Anbu and the potential link between the children and Subaru.

He talked Shikaku through Genma's investigation into the children and his discovery of their missing documents and their average ages, alongside the hunch about wealthier civilian children being taken from the Chūnin and Genin corps - only to discover it was true. He described the olive haired kunoichi's testimony that lead back to the Anbu and the realisation that the Hokage had not received a report yet from Washi and Yamori.

He shared his suspicions, about the validity of both Anbu's words and why they would lie, in the face of such news. He explained the bait he set for whoever was pulling the Anbu's strings - who he believed to be Danzō, and the subsequent fallout of his actions.

"...and the Hokage doesn't know that technically he's given you permission to investigate Danzō because he didn't allow you to finish your report. You haven't omitted information or lied to him in a full report yet; you haven't done anything disciplinable," Shikaku concluded once Kakashi was finished.

"Correct, for now," the man nodded.

"I don't suppose you're aware that if it's believed that the Hokage is either directly implicated or too biased in an investigation, he has ten days from the moment he is made aware of the investigation to state his defence to a panel of five clan heads before the case is turned over the Jōnin Commander and the Anbu Commander, while the Hokage becomes essentially locked out of any information regarding the investigation until its end?" Shikaku shrewdly questioned.

"It...rings a bell. It hasn't ever been implemented. How is this initiated?" Kakashi slowly replied.

"The Hokage needs to request a chance to state his defence, or he misses the opportunity entirely. Beyond that, all we need is the signature of the Anbu Commander, the signature of the Jōnin Commander and the written agreement of two shinobi clan heads," Shikaku smirked.

"The Anbu Commander is out of Konoha, and I'm not eager to involve him. I know he would have issues with Danzō getting involved in Anbu the way he is and he might not like the War Hawk, but his understanding of Konoha is one that needs men like Danzō," he admitted somewhat reluctantly.

"I agree. But it's been quite a few years since the Hokage gave me official permission to sign for the Anbu Commander in a range of circumstances. On a technicality, this is one of them. I can sign as the Jōnin Commander, the Anbu Commander, and one clan Head."

"While I can sign as the other," Kakashi spoke, his eye widened.

"Exactly. Be advised though, Hatake-san, that for the findings of such an investigation to be valid, they must be presented to ten clan heads who then hold a vote as to whether the party under investigation is guilty or not. There can't be a private and decisive end to Danzō if we go this route."

Kakashi gave it some thought, but he knew that this was the best way to get Shikaku's full support further down the road, "There are very few things the clan heads would unanimously agree about. But I'm certain that every single clan that might consider being divisive has been personally affected by Danzō - even if they don't know it yet."

Shikaku nodded, and then grimaced, "This is going to be so troublesome. I need to speak to Tenzō about a mission to send him on, which should leave him convincingly needing your support afterward and vulnerable without it."

Kakashi tilted his head curiously, even as his stomach sank at the expression on Shikaku's face.

"It's a honey pot mission, involving a budding warlord with violent tastes and an enjoyment in traumatising young men. We need to know who's funding him. I can easily rewrite the mission documents to erase the honey pot aspect of the mission and if Tenzō includes in the report an unexpected background with chakra training..."

"It will seem like he was raped while on a mission," Kakashi could barely squeeze the words out of his mouth, for all that they came out smooth and unbothered sounding.

"Exactly. I can ensure the event reaches Danzō's ears through means he will believe to be genuine. If Tenzō can remove section detailing the sexual assault in the medical report before it leaves the hospital, I will feign ignorance and outwardly treat it as a normal violent encounter during a mission."

Ashamed. Isolated. Traumatised. Vulnerable. Kakashi understood, with far too much clarity.

"I can't ask that of him," Kakashi denied, in a mirror of the day before - although with a far more controlled expression and body language. The Jōnin Commander still seemed to see through him.

"Kakashi," Shikaku gentled his voice, making Kakashi meet his eyes, "You won't be; I will. He's an adult now, it's up to him to choose whether he's capable of this or not. Despite appearances, he'll go through the usual procedure for a honey pot mission of a violent nature."

"He'll agree. I know he will," he quietly admitted.

There was a heavy silence before Shikaku offered, "If I provide the materials he needs to turn his Anbu mission reports into storage scrolls once he goes undercover, he can hide the unique coded messages you mentioned inside them, that I'll pass on to you."

Kakashi wanted to say no to it all, but with what was on the line and the fact that it wasn't his place to say no to anything he felt he had little choice but to grasp onto the offer with both hands.

He nodded briefly, "When would he leave?"

"I'll speak to him this evening. Provided he agrees, you'll have to say your goodbyes then, because after that he'll need a few days of prepping to see if he's capable of handling the physical and mental reality of the mission. After that you probably won't be able to see him very much, possibly not at all - not for a while."

The short timespan given sunk in and sat uncomfortably in the bottom of his stomach. Nonetheless, he maintained a slightly bored expression and casually asked "Is there anything else either of us needs to know while I'm here?"

"No, I'm sick of your troublesome presence now. You can leave," Nara waved him away lazily.

Just as his hand touched the handle of the door, Kakashi admitted, "I'm grateful for your assistance in this mission, Nara-san."

"Call me Shikaku, please. And _I'm_ not; I'll be missing so much of my wife's cooking thanks to you."

"Maa, at least there are plenty of tasty ration bars in Anbu barracks for you to snack on," Kakashi forced an eye smiled as he opened the door and left.

Behind him came the satisfying thump of a head meeting a desk and a groaned, "Man what a drag."

* * *

 _Let me know what you think of Nara Shikaku being recruited to Kakashi's side. Also how do you feel about Tenzō's choice to go undercover in Root?_

 _Surprised at Washi and Yamori's involvement in Sonaru's kidnapping? How do you feel about how Kakashi's responding to it all?_

 _For those maybe thinking the Hokage gave Danzō what he wanted too easily - remember that he believes Danzō to be loyal (the treason incident having been something like a decade before), has a blind spot with him due to their history, only agreed to the man personally training one set of recruits as a test and would then implement the training using someone else if it worked, and had had two heirs kidnapped/almost kidnapped. One leading to the Hizashi death incident. With a successful kidnapping occurring he'd want make sure it didn't happen again and give Konoha a reputation to target them in such a way, even if it meant giving Danzō a small (in his eyes) foothold into Anbu. Plus with the man's believed infirmity I think Sarutobi underestimates Danzō because of it._


	51. Chapter 51

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

This is something like half or two thirds of the chapter, but it was getting long. So the rest will uploaded as the next chapter.

No editing or beta as usual

I reckon the next two to three chapters will be Sonaru

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 50 - Already Under Your Skin**

My butt ached from hours of sitting in an unreasonably uncomfortable chair, as I stared at a wide range of images one after the other. Many were innocuous and barely registered any thought from me at all, others were pretty cute or amusing, and some were images I knew children shouldn't be made to look at.

Some sort of monitor was aimed at my eyes to measure movement of my pupil and the rate of my blinking, other things were attached to my nose to and mouth the measure breathing, one to my finger to measure pulse, and a whole bunch were attached to various points around my head.

A field of flowers.

A two story house.

A starving skin and bone family

A small child crying.

A bloody kunai.

A dog humping a big teddy bear.

A chained naked woman hanging from her arms as a man scalped her.

A tricycle.

A summons.

A battered and dead pigeon.

A strawberry cake.

An angry looking young man.

A Kirigakure headband.

On and on the images went, all the while the no-eyebrows man, whose name I had discovered to be Hiroshi, and his teenage assistant Kenta took notes on the readings. This was at least less hassle than the word association we had done the time before with the images, when I'd had less than two seconds each time to come up with a single word.

I still despised every moment.

My eyes were dry and sore by the time we were finished, hours later, fidgeting impatiently while they removed all the of the wires. I felt deeply weary and barely had the energy to smile when Kuchisake entered.

As usual, Kenta perked up at the sight of her, a light blush staining his grey tinted skin as he tried to catch her gaze. She only had eyes for me, though - ignoring for the moment the two other women in the room as well as Hiroshi and Kenta.

"How are you feeling, Sweet thing?" She cooed gently, bending down and wrapping her arms around me tightly.

I sighed into her warm sugar-sweet-blood-sex-musk-sweat scent as she swept me up and tucked me against her neck.

"Tired," I mumbled, with closed eyes.

She rubbed my back pleasantly, and I settled even further against her with a hum, "I know Sweet thing, I know. Once we get back home you can have a nice warm bath and then sleep."

That was doubtful. I was only getting on average a couple of hours sleep every night at this point, and I was exhausted all the time. My appetite was similarly diminished, but at least I could force myself to eat even if it made me feel nauseous.

Hesitant footsteps approached, lacking confidence and instantly marking them as belonging to Kenta, who didn't have the self assured air of the adults.

"Good evening, Kenta," Kuchisake greeted, a lightly breathy quality to her voice that made everything sound just bit erotic, "How are things progressing?"

Kenta's voice began an octave too high, "G-good, good," he laughed nervously and cleared his throat, "We think we're about ready to start the next stage. All the pre-tests are done and now we should be moving on to trials."

"Oh? Wow, you move fast, I'm impressed," her voice curled around the words sensually, despite the slight hitch in her breath at the news.

"Well," he chuckled bashfully, "I mean... it wasn't just me obviously. We all contribute... I'm just Hiroshi-san's assistant mostly."

"Please, I can tell you're the brains of the group," she teased, "Handsome and smart - I bet the fan girls go crazy for you."

"Um, I- well there aren't really any..." He stammered, his voice cracking.

"No? They're missing out, clearly," she lowered her tone into something pure sex, "I'd want you if I were them."

Gross. I resisted the urge to wrinkle my nose in revulsion at hearing a grown woman intentionally rile up a teenage boy like that. I could practically smell Kenta's hormones ramping up in desire as he swallowed thickly and failed to start a comprehensible sentence.

Shion laughed teasingly, "Hold that thought for me. I have to put Sona to bed. We can finished this next time though, hm?"

"Y-Yeah. Sure. That sounds... good. Great."

"I look forward to it," she purred, and sauntered out of the room without acknowledging the others as far as I could tell.

* * *

I was too tired that evening to do more than sink gratefully into Kuchisake while she washed me, barely acknowledging the still present discomfort at feeling her skin against mine in the water and her hands roaming every inch while she washed me - whispering sweet words in my ears all the while.

Ever since being examined within an inch of my life had become the daily routine, she had taken to kissing me far more often. I squirmed inside when she kissed me in the bath. I didn't like that she did it at all, but I had at least become mostly inured to her habit - sometimes even taking some comfort it in. But to feel her naked against me, hands and lips dwarfing me, I couldn't help but shudder inside that it was a step over the line too far.

I was no good at understanding the rules that existed between grown women and little girls. They were so blurred and ill defined in my mind and my personal experience had not helped to clarify things at all. I knew what was inarguably not okay, but beyond that I was walking blind.

The fact that I only recognised something was definitely wrong when the line had not only been crossed but trampled all over, had me second guessing and doubting myself when it came to my response to Kuchisake. She weirded me the fuck out, I didn't like that she always smothered me in physical affection without asking if she could lay her spitty hands on me. I didn't like that she kissed me the way that she did. I didn't like that she bathed me despite knowing I could wash myself, and always insisted on getting in the bath with me. I didn't like that she slept in bed with me with only a pair of knickers on.

And yet I doubted myself. She had set herself up as my mother and did everything she could short of demanding I call her Kaa-chan to play the role with me. I knew this meant she was ignoring all sorts of boundaries that non mother-daughter dynamics had. I questioned myself, though, that if I was her daughter and we lived in a one room apartment, and she was a single mother, would a lot of what she did be considered acceptable, if slightly odd, behaviour?

Of course on top of that, there was the added layer of her behaviour being influenced by her role in my kidnapping as having the intention of manipulating me into integrating here and staying forever - as far as I could tell. Additionally, she was pretty fucking crazy without all of that shit, with an obsessive and unhealthy relationship toward sexual boundaries as well as some sort of trauma regarding her dead daughter.

I was in a constant state of uncertainty about her, so when my options, regardless of whatever conclusions I came to about whether I was okay with how she behaved or not, were 'suck it up and deal', I tried not to think too much on my conflicting feelings and just accepted that this was how things were right now.

Though, not thinking was easier said than done when I was stuck during the long hours of the night, held tight against her bare breasts while unable to sleep, and my choices were think about how weird Kuchisake was or think about what 'moving onto trials' meant for me.

* * *

Still standing in just her underwear, she bent toward the mirror and carefully shaped her eyebrows, coloured her lips a vibrant red, her lashes a long sweeping black and did her best to minimise the scars on either side of her mouth. I sat by the bath, reluctantly admiring the curve of her spine as she arched forward and the lines of her strong legs, while she talked me unnecessarily through how to blend makeup into the skin so that it looked natural.

She smacked her lips together in a light pop and then quirked her lips at me past her reflection.

"How do I look? The lashes aren't too heavy are they?"

"You look lovely, Shion. You always do," I smiled prettily back at her as she beamed at the correct answer.

"Excellent!" She turned around and picked me up as my muscles tightened at the lack of anything she wore on her top half. My lips pressed together and my face contorted in discomfort, but I managed to rearrange my features into something more pleasant before she spotted it.

"Let's get dressed, and put you in something extra cute to make a good impression," she exited the bathroom as she spoke, something simultaneously hesitant and hopeful in her voice that had me instantly wary, "Nagao-taichou would like to see us today, Sweet thing. I know he probably seemed a little scary to you last time, but that's because he has to be very strict to make sure this facility runs as smoothly as possible. So let's make sure we're polite."

My chest seized and my stomach dropped. Fuck, I didn't want to see that man again. Every time I saw him it felt like I was placing my life in hands that were equally as inclined to do nothing as to murder me on a whim.

The only thing I really had going for me with him was that for some reason I was special. But until I knew why exactly he valued me alive, I couldn't manipulate that fact to keep me safe.

A lump formed at the base of my throat, painful to swallow over, while the rest of me went cold and numb. I forced the edges of my lips up into something innocent, but honestly I could barely feel my face enough to tell if I was doing it right.

I mechanically lifted and moved my limbs as Shion dressed me, watching her face while she chatted away like she wasn't about to walk me straight under that bastard's violent gaze. Resentment and contempt built in me toward her in order to combat the overwhelming feeling of helplessness, and for a brief bitter moment as she crouch in front of me to tie my shoes, I considered how perfect the angle was to strike her nose and kill her.

[Breathe]

I shook the thought away, though, and trained my eyes on the locked door to remind myself that I was stuck in this room without someone to let me out. Killing anyone until I had a method of escape was very likely signing my own death. Besides, if I had to choose between killing Shion or Nagao, I'd choose Nagao any day - he was who I was really mad at, Shion was a just a convenient outlet for my fear and anger because she was safer.

"Come on then, sweet thing," Shion popped a hard sweet in her mouth, spit cleaned her fingers and then held her hand out to me. I resisted the urge to stare at it like it was a going to bite me and forced myself to place little fingers in her wet grasp.

My heart pounded in my ears all the way to Nagao's office, but I carefully counted my breaths and kept my face calm.

It was almost anticlimactic to see him open the door, once she knocked, with a relaxed and pleased tint to his mostly impassive expression; it was always the eyes that gave him away - pale blue and intense and fixed with knowing anticipation on Kuchisake.

His gaze flicked up and down her body briefly while we bowed, a satisfied edge to his otherwise blandly polite smile as he calmly welcomed us inside with an open arm. Despite having no other choice, I was reluctant to turn my back to him as I entered the room. Shion showed no qualms in doing so, however, and smiled at him from under her lashes flirtatiously before she walked past.

The door closed behind us, and he took a seat in the chair in front of his desk, leaving us to stand before him. He absently picked up a file from the desk and flicked through it, although I could tell from the lack of eye movement as he did so that he wasn't actually reading what was inside it.

"Medical has finished their examinations of the child, then," he hummed, almost absentmindedly- I wasn't fooled, though. I doubted the man ever did anything absentmindedly when he had an audience.

"Yes, Nagao-taichou. She was very well behaved so they finished a day ahead of schedule," Kuchisake smiled proudly, her hand briefly squeezing mine as though to congratulate me for the shitty accomplishment.

"Good. I'm very pleased. You know I don't enjoy being angry with you, so it always gives me...pleasure to see my faith in your ability to follow instructions rewarded," cold passion briefly seared across his expression when he looked at her, only to be immediately tucked away again.

Shion appeared uncertain at the sight of it, and smiled nervously, "Oh. Yes, that last... mistake - it won't happen again, I-"

"I know," Nagao held a palm up soothingly, "As I've told you, all is forgiven. We've had plenty of pleasant moments together since that unfortunate incident, you would know if I was still displeased over it. There's no need to apologise."

His eyes moved briefly over to me, and I carefully held myself as still as possible while he assessed me calculatingly.

"It will be a few days while medical collates all their results and double checks the dosages most appropriate for her. Now that examinations are over, she's not likely to be needed for such long stretches of time very often. Her physical capabilities are good for her age, but her chakra is where she shows the most promise - I want this developed further by regular exercise."

Dosages. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Shion shifted slightly, looking discomfited and his lips ticked in cool amusement as he guessed the cause, "I promised she could stay with you. Regardless of whether she's trained or not, the child is yours. Do you doubt my word?"

"No! No, of course not. I just wanted to know if you want her trained with the other children," Kuchisake hastened to assure him.

He waved the question away, "She's too young for that to matter yet. I'll leave the decision up to you."

Shion's shoulders relaxed as gratitude suffused her entire body and she smiled at Nagao like he'd just told her he wanted to gift her the moon... or maybe not the moon if there really was some kind of insane powerful alien woman imprisoned in it with the intention of essentially ending the world.

Nagao seemed content for long seconds to just soak in the sight of Kuchisake's body appreciatively, the longer the moment stretched on the more the air between them changed to a charged and thick sexual tension.

"I have something for you," he abruptly broke eye contact with her, and reached behind him to pick up a dark wooden box with detailed etchings all over it and a pretty looking metal clasp.

Shion raised her eyebrows in surprise as he stood up with the box and walked toward us. Her hand slipped out of my grasp as she met him midway, excitement taking over her features.

"Something for me?" She gasped delicately, eyes pinned to the box in wonder.

"Yes. A token of my regard for you and your efforts this past week to please me," His lips pulled up into small self satisfied smirk as he absorbed every second her reaction without blinking.

He slowly opened the box, revealing a glint of metal to me, but the rest was blocked from my vision. Whatever was inside had Shion cupping her hands to her chest in awe.

"Nagao-taichou... they're beautiful. I love them," her eyes flicked up to him and I saw adoration for him radiate from her, her entire face softened into something that I never wanted to believe was love. Not for him.

But I also saw the way he watched her in return, possessiveness and greed and lust and satisfaction dominating him. For a man like Nagao, that was probably as close to love as he got.

"Let me," he picked two long sharp things up that looked more like feminine-decorated instruments made for stabbing people's eyes out, and placed the box in his pocket

Shion lit up as she turned, and I knew I had all but been forgotten like always seemed to happen when Nagao and Shion were in the room together. With her back to him, Nagao gently but confidently grasped her hair and, with an easy finesse that I was immediately jealous of, twisted it up into a simple style which was then pinned in place with his two gifts.

Kuchisake's hair was unfairly silky and I just knew that the moment those pins were slid out, her hair would cascade down in a stunning display. The pins also very clearly doubled as weapons. Decorative and deadly. It was obvious that Nagao was making a statement about Shion.

I watched Nagao's face over Shion's shoulder as he contentedly assessed the gifts, before his eyes slid down and roved the elegant line of her neck that was now freely accessible to him. His fingertips followed lightly down the path of his eyes and Shion tilted her neck, sucking a breath in as her lids lowered to half mast.

His hand trailed down to her collar bone with a teasing caress as the other slid around her waist to grasp in a proprietary manner. He lowered his lips to her ear, and with avarice clear in his tone and expression, he murmured, "Beautiful."

She released the breath she had been holding, and then immediately sucked another in with a flush high on her cheeks as his fingers slid around the outside of her breast to curve underneath it and over the top of her stomach, holding her tight to him.

I looked forward with a thousand yard stare, averting my gaze from them but still able to see out the corner of my eye and certainly wishing I could be somewhere else. Until that point I was more resigned than uncomfortable - at least he wasn't beating the shit out of her this time.

But then then his mouth explored its way down her neck and she made a humming sound that was indecent with me still present. My tolerance for their actions grew thin as I felt my blood reacting against my will to the sound.

The sound of their combined breaths -increasingly loud, his lips and tongue against her neck, the light scrape of his skin on her clothes when he squeezed the handful of flesh he had in each palm.

The more-pain-than-pleasure tightening in my gut and the tingle of my skin had me gritting my teeth and harshly squeezing my palms together. I hated that I reacted this way to them. This almost but not quite arousal, this over awareness of their actions that had all my senses honed in on them despite my best efforts. I held my breath in fear that if I breathed in I'd be able to smell the creeping scents of sweat and arousal in the air.

Nagao's hand dragged its way quickly down her body to grasp at her hip tightly in my peripheral vision, his other hand lowering slightly so that he held both hips, and then he firmly pulled her back toward him.

The noise they both made when her body made contact with his groin had me biting into my tongue so hard that my eyes watered, my legs locked into place to prevent my running toward the door and uselessly banging on it in the hope that someone would let me out.

To my dismay, my own breaths seemed to quietly match theirs and my lower abdomen tightened to the point that I wanted to curl over and press my hand in the hopes to alleviate the painful discomfort.

He paused, his nose pressed against her neck still, his teeth worrying at the skin slightly and then he gave a sigh that seemed to release the building tension. He pressed a kiss to the dark pink mark on her neck and stepped back, his hands reluctantly releasing their hold on her hips.

"I have a meeting soon, I'm afraid," there was still too much breath in his words for them to be entirely collected, but he was doing a remarkable job otherwise as he easily flattened his hair back into its absurdly neat cut with a single movement of his fingers.

Shion sucked in a deep breath and released it slowly, before opening her eyes and turning to him. She didn't seem very disappointed that things had been cut short and I hoped that it was because she'd never intended on going much further with me still stuck in the room.

She smiled understandingly at him, smoothing her clothes down slightly, "Do you want me to come by this evening?"

He nodded with a polite tilt to his lips, but it was easy to see the predatory hunger underneath that, "Yes. After dinner. And wear the hair pins."

He gaze flicked over to me, and I didn't know what I expected to see there: perverse enjoyment that I'd watched perhaps, or maybe surprise that I was still in the room. It was clear to me from his face, though, that he'd never forgotten for a second that I was there... he simply hadn't cared.

I was disgusted at them, but I couldn't help the relief I felt that this wasn't some kind of voyeuristic fetish for him - being watched by young children. It still didn't soothe the fizzing in my blood and the tightness in my gut that I just wanted to go away.

I swallowed, and avoided looking at him - avoided even a glimpse of where I knew an obscene bulge would be - tasting the sweet metallic salt of blood run down my throat from where I'd bitten my tongue and focussing with all my determination on that delicious taste in the hopes that it would calm the rest of my body.

Kuchisake slid over to me, her hips swinging as she did, "Come on then, sweet thing. Let's go and eat some breakfast and then I'll show you the room with all the exercise equipment for children."

I knew that was a cue to bow a respectful goodbye, before we left. As I walked with a hand pressed to my abdomen in a futile attempt at alleviating the horrible sensation, I knew without a doubt that I fucking hated meetings with Nagao.

There was a loaded silence between us as Shion pretended what had just occurred in the room was perfectly normal and I struggled to play along. Desperate to forget what I had seen and heard - not that I could; I could never fully forget anything anymore. It was burned into my memories - I cast my mind about for a distraction.

Luckily I landed on one fairly quickly, as I realised with a jolt that Kuchisake had weapons on her for the first time since I'd met her.

"Shion?" I asked innocently.

"Yes, sweet thing?" She cheerful picked me up and placed me on her hip as she picked up the pace. I was immediately hit with the scent of Nagao on her neck and turned my head with a revolted swallow.

"You're a shinobi, right?" I frowned.

"Correct. I'm a kunoichi," she reach into her pocket with one hand and put a sweet in her mouth with a pleased hum, reminding me uncomfortably of the noise she'd made with Nagao.

"But don't shinobi have blades and things? All the shinobi I've seen always had kunai on them at least. You only have them now because Nagao-taichou gave you some. Nobody here has anything like it."

She tilted her head at me, before giving me an impressed look, "Well done, that's very observant of you, sweet thing. When we aren't on a mission, or part of security, shinobi here keep our dangerous tools locked away together to make sure no one hurts themselves accidentally."

She said it perfectly casually, but I was shocked. In this world, denying a shinobi their basic tools was for when they were arrested or under heavy suspicion. Other than that it just wasn't done. A kunai at hand could be the difference between life and death for a shinobi. Their blades weren't just blades, they were practically comfort blankets for most of them. Hell, they were almost considered a human right.

For such a system to be in place was not only ridiculously controlling, but it sent a message to every shinobi in the facility that their lives were not in their own hands - they were not trusted and they were not free.

"Will you have to put your hair pins with the other dangerous things?" I asked.

"No," she chuckled at me, "Since Nagao-taichou gave them to me himself I'll be fine to wear them whenever I want."

So essentially I was looking at probably the only available shinobi tools in the entire facility. Suddenly Nagao's gift became a lot more important.

"Good," I exclaimed, "I like them, you shouldn't have to put them away."

"Yeah?" She grinned, "Do you think I look nice in them?"

I nodded firmly, "You always look nice, but they make you look like a Hime. You should always wear them. I bet Nagao-taichou will like to see that."

She laughed, visibly flattered at my effusive praise, "Well who am I to argue with that?"

Considering Kuchisake carried me in her arms half the time, as long as she was wearing her hair pins I had equipment within an arms reach that played to my strengths - throwing weapons.

Being shown one of the training rooms for the kids and young teens in the facility, it was immediately obvious the age range of who spent their time in this room. It just smelt of the sweat and oil of children - it was a scent that was impossible to put a word to, but was instantly recognisable.

The place was empty, although there a was a heat and smell to the place that told me it had recently been used. Shion led me in by hand and sat me down on the floor, before she put a sweet in her mouth and then she knelt down in front of me, "This is where you're going to spend a lot of your time from now on, sweet thing. Sometimes I'll be here with you, but most of the time you'll have to supervise yourself. You will also meet some of the other children here when they use the room at the same time as you."

I nodded and asked, "Am I supposed to use the training equipment?"

The available training equipment was sectioned off into different age levels but I could tell immediately that my skill level was more suited to the equipment for the older kids. There were only a few things I'd use in the section that appeared to be designed for those my physical age.

As long as no one was watching me, I'd be able to keep my skills relatively sharp by practicing with the more difficult training equipment. It had been a mounting concern in the back of my mind, which had fed into the smothered anxiety that just seemed to build the longer I was here, that the lack of ability to exercise properly while trapped in our room would lead to my hard earned abilities atrophying to the point that it wouldn't be at the level I needed it to be if I came across chance to escape. I'd been able to stretch and maintain my flexibility, as well as occasionally risk practicing some of the ninjutsu I knew but it was difficult to do more than that.

"For the time being, I only want you to use the equipment I give you permission to. I'll design a training regime based on the results medical gave me about your physical ability - but it will up to you most of the time to make sure you stick to it. That means no trying out anything you might see the older children trying, do you understand sweet thing?" She asked, a hint of firmness in her voice.

I nodded, with no intention of sticking to my agreement.

"Good girl," she bent down and kissed me, leaving a small but revolting smear of saliva on my lips, "I'm going to be teaching you how to make your chakra seem smaller than it is in the next few weeks, but until then we'll keep the exercise light."

[Timing of chakra training suggests that she doesn't want others to see my chakra reserves getting bigger. Why? Increased chakra increases risk of being taken away from her? Regular training and exercise will naturally increase chakra - frozen at one level will give impression of something being wrong with chakra coils to others. Potential risk of being viewed as useless and terminated.]

"But won't they notice my chakra not getting bigger?" I asked with a confused frown.

"Clever girl. Yes, they will - if anyone asks I need you to not tell them about hiding your true chakra reserve. Can you do that for me?" She stroked my face gently and watched me a fondness that always seemed just a bit too intense.

[If outside perception of Sona having faulty chakra coils is no problem, kidnapping could not have been in the hope to create a shinobi. Higher chance of being due to biology - valued as an experiment rather than a weapon. Decreased chance of remaining alive and whole being a long term requirement for Nagao]

I faced with a couple choices and only guesswork as to which was the better one. I could pretend to be unable to make my chakra seem smaller and see how their plans revealed themselves once my chakra began to increase at a faster pace with the regular exercise, or I could tell Shion that I had already begun to be trained to hide my chakra by my tutors back home and had almost succeeded -allowing a much faster time of 'learning' to freeze my chakra levels and facing the consequences of that.

Without a good idea of just why me getting training and increasing chakra was so important, it was an impossible choice to make with any certainty. In the end, I just had to place my faith in Kuchisake being desperately attached to me, and not wanting to me leave her side. I wanted to stay with her for as long as it got me preferential treatment and close proximity to the weapons she wore in her hair.

* * *

The news I told her had her in a relatively good mood with me for the next three days as she easily 'finished' teaching me how to make my chakra look smaller than it was, and spent the time she had with me in our room playing shogi (beating me at it, because despite playing it regularly for well over a year now, I was still completely shit) and go with me, reading to me, and started dressing me up and putting makeup on me to look like a 'big girl' as she 'taught' me about fashion and makeup and perfume - all the while often heavily criticising the cosmetic choices of any woman she had ever met.

She wasn't particularly good at keeping her criticisms about other women strictly PG - regularly dipping into harsh comments about their sex appeal and sexual choices, but I carefully pretended that the vast majority of those flew over my head.

Despite my disapproval at some of the topics she chose to share with me, I couldn't deny that I was well distracted during those three days. She always made sure I had something to do, and during the hours I was left to myself in the training room I threw myself into it with a desperately frantic passion as I tried to outrun the fears that grew in the pit of my stomach and to battle my dread with satisfyingly aching muscles. Shion seemed to be equally desperate for distraction during that time, as together we found a strange sort of solace in our combined scared anticipation for the day medical began trials on me.

She held me even closer than usual, stroking and kissing skin as though to reassure herself and me that I was fine. For the first time, I clung back with the same sort fervour, holding her fingers between small fists and hesitantly returning some of the affectionate touches. Sometimes I pressed back when she kissed me, taking comfort in the warm hand that slid up and down arms and legs and back when I tucked my face against her shoulder.

I ignored her almost total nakedness at night when she held me and wrapped little but strong arms around whatever I could in return. I ignored the sweet-spit stained hands leaving bigger streaks. I ignored that I felt the pressure of her lips against mine multiple times every hour, lingering just a fraction longer each time I kissed back in my chase for even fleeting comfort and safety. Even though I knew that the safety she promised me was a lie.

* * *

 _I'm trying to depict the steady degradation of Sonaru's mental well-being and how she's finding ways to cope being trapped in a single room with nothing to do for much of her day and only one person who shows her any kindness, while playing the role of someone who is fine with it all and doesn't know better. She knows this has been set up to make her emotionally need Kuchisake but that doesn't stop it from working - not as effectively or quickly as if she were a child, but it's still working._

 _What are your thoughts on the boundaries between women and children, whether mother and child or otherwise?_

 _What do you think about the way Kuchisake treats/acts around Sonaru?_


	52. Chapter 52

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Sooo... hi? I'm still writing? Promise... hehe...

To be fair though, I've been a thousand times worse with all my other stories. Although, that's also because I care more about the quality when I put those out than this one. But! Never have I completely abandoned a story yet, and I don't currently intend to.

* * *

Right so strap in for the long ass A/N:

Firstly just a general update for obligatory excuse regarding shitty unreliable update schedule - 2019 Lazy muse really lived up to my username. It was lazy, sloth-like, almost non existent over half the time. Additionally, I moved country twice, the company I worked for was at an incredibly turbulent point and I had to leave because I was essentially being asked to work for next to no pay while increasing my duties. Then I co-sold a house... which was also very stressful and time consuming and a vertical learning curve. Then I discovered that I'd been given the wrong info for the course I was on, and instead of working to fit 1 year worth of work into 6 months, I now have to fit 2 years worth of work in 6 months. Fun.

* * *

 **Anyways I'm sure that's not very interesting so onto the update for what's going on with this story!**

So from the feedback I got from the last chapter(s?) I put up, some of you guys really want to know what happens with this arc and some of you just want it over. Fair, I never expected it to last so long because I started it when updates were still far more regular and it's stuck at a point where there are a fair amount of OCs hanging around . I didn't want to bore those who wanted this arc to finish by dragging it out with a chapter every few months, but I didn't want to disappoint those who are invested by giving a lacklustre and hurried conclusion.

Also this arc, although not obvious initially, is very important for future developments. Like, almost all of it, so I couldn't just cut it short or the whole arc I'd written so far would be a waste of time and would become completely pointless.

I tried to figure out a solution that was basically a compromise. I landed on writing out the entirety of the rest of this arc - just getting it all out without regard to how long or many the chapters ended up being or how off track I got as I was writing until I finished the arc - and then posting each chapter 24 to 48 hours apart.

That... hasn't worked so well. I figured the easiest way to go about it was to write out all the chapters from Sonaru's perspective and then all the chapters from Kakashi and co.'s perspective, slotting the relevant different pov chapters in the right places afterwards when I was posting them.

The first three chapters for Sonaru went fine, I wrote them semi-quickly and then the fourth one just... argh. It just didn't. At one point I was writing three lines a day just to tell myself that I was making progress. It was supposed to be around 7 thousand words max. It ended up being about 24 thousand words. I've had to split it into three. I wrote the last 9 thousand of those words in a week and quite enjoyed doing so, but the first two thirds took about four months to write (maybe more?). It was hell.

After I finished it, I thought about the last chapter I still had to write from Sonaru's POV, and then the three or more chapters on Kakashi and co. before I could even post anything to receive feedback and I just couldn't. It was starting to feel like a piece of homework I really didn't want to do.

So then I just went 'fuck it' and decided I'd post what I've written so far.

 **Here's what I'm going to do, and apologies in advance for how confusing this will be for some of you**. I'm going to post all the chapters I've written, then I'm going to write out Kakashi and co.'s chapters and post them in bulk if I can, but if I can't bear it I'm going to have to do it one at a time - however when I post Kakashi chapters I will be putting them where they were supposed to go so that new readers or people rereading the story get the experience they're meant to.

As soon as I've posted a new chapter that canonically (fanonically?... chronologically...?) comes after the final Sonaru chapter I'm going to post from this current batch, it will include all the information on which chapters to click on to read where Kakashi's stuff has been slotted in so you're not completely confused.

I'm writing this note while very tired and I should be asleep, so I don't know how coherent it is. Any questions or clarifications you want me to reply to regarding this, please PM me.

No editing or beta as usual

Also fair warning; the rest of this arc is pretty dark a lot of the time. Read at your own risk.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 51 - I've Got To Break Free**

I felt like shit.

Groggy and achy and my brain wasn't working right. It was getting worse day by day, too.

I wasn't an idiot, I knew it was the pills those bitches were forcing me to take every other day.

I could have used slight of hand to pretend to swallow them, but they'd made it clear to Shion that they would easily be able to tell if I skipped even a single dose.

I didn't know what they were doing to me and the constant helplessness had me feeling like I was going steadily insane.

It was made worse when the side effects kicked in.

There were nights when I lay in bed as my body poured sweat and heat, panting in distress. Shion would cradle me as she cycled her chakra slower and slower, beads of sweat gathering on her forehead from the effort as her temperature dropped bit by bit, until she was cool to the touch to combat my overheated form. She would murmur stories in my ear – fictional and historical and autobiographical – in a futile attempt to lull me to sleep, ignoring the tremors of her limbs as they reacted to her prolonged too-cool internal temperature.

I learned more about her dead daughter as she cautiously shared anecdotes of things that she remembered fondly. I learned about her absent father who died before she was born and whom she spent her entire life trying to live up to the memory of in her mother's eyes. I listened as she carefully avoided mentioning her mother in more than the most basic details and read in between her split-second pauses - of her mother's hardworking and dedicated but ultimately damaging relationship with Shion.

She told me about meeting her husband in shinobi training, but only growing close to him when they worked together in the rebellion against Salamander's oppressive forces. Her as a team fighter with her now deceased brother-in-arms, and her husband as a message runner and weapons smuggler.

She touched, with pain in her voice, on the continued corruption and poverty that followed for years even after Salamander was overthrown – how lower level shinobi, who had survived with no true loyalty to either side and no offers of work under the new regime, evolved into organised gangs. She mentioned only briefly that her husband got himself into financial troubles badly with some incredibly dangerous people in the last years of their marriage, but the contempt and sorrow that chilled her voice left me with a clear idea of how well that situation ended.

Despite her attempts at soothing and distraction, she couldn't hide her own distress at my evident suffering now matter how hard she tried to cover it with calming smiles and affectionate words.

When one morning, as she was dressing me, between one blink and the next I suddenly found myself flat on my back with my heart thumping at such a harsh pace that I genuinely wondered if I was dying, Kuchisake's quiet tolerance for the effects that the medication was having on me ended. She shook me gently, but urgently, futilely attempting to elicit a response out of me beyond loose limbed sweating and panting.

When that didn't work, she frantically scooped me up and raced out of the room. The air buffeted my hair as I lay cradled in her arms – bringing me back to the countless times Tou-san had carried me home across the rooftops, dragging stinging tears to the corners of my eyes.

Before long, I looked up to see the dark gaze of Miyako peering down at me impassively, her mouth moving but the words not registering over the pounding of my heart in my ears and a high pitched ringing in my ears. The angry vibration of Kuchisake's response move through me, before I was placed on the patient bed and my vitals were taken by the dark skinned woman.

I wasn't sure how long it took for my heart rate to calm down and the ringing to diminish, but eventually I was back to the normal baseline feeling like shit. When I could finally focus on my surroundings, I took in Miyako sitting in a stool next to the bed patiently waiting while Shion stood over me tensely, worry clear in her expression.

Anger pursed her lips tightly when she darted a glance at Miyako, "This needs to stop. Or she needs to go on something else. Ever since she went on the medication she's been listless and unfocussed. She's hardly sleeping, she barely eats, her temperature is rocketing up at random points… they're clearly no good for her!"

Miyako raised a single eyebrow with so much 'I don't give a shit' attitude I was almost impressed.

"That's all?" her low voice asked slowly.

"What do you mean that's all?" Shion blustered indignantly.

"The side effects you just listed. Is that all that she's experienced?"

"…yes," uncertainty mingled in amongst her anger as she suspiciously observed the older woman.

"We'll need to run a few tests, but her dose probably needs to be stronger," Miyako contemplatively stated. My heart sank into my stomach as it rolled with nausea – a singularly unpleasant feeling.

"Stronger?! What about the side effects?" Shion was nearly shouting at this point, her hand landing on where a weapons pouch would usually be in an instinctive reaction.

"I know it's difficult for you to understand, but the side effects are necessary for the medication to do what it needs to in the long run. There's just no way around it. I don't exactly enjoy making her suffer, but the science is the most important thing here and putting it simply, the results we're already getting are speaking for themselves."

"I don't want to take them," the whispered words slipped from between my lips without me even realising, taking seconds too long for my fuzzy brain to register what I'd said.

Miyako looked down at me with no regret or sympathy, "I know, but you're ill. The medication is to make you feel better when you're older even if it makes you feel bad now."

The lie flowed seamlessly off her tongue, with no artifice evident at all. I admired and despised her for it at the same time.

"This is unacceptable, Miyako-san. You have my word that I'll be speaking to Nagao-taichou about this," Kuchisake threatened. I knew her well enough by now that her tells were obvious to me; she wasn't lying but she definitely wasn't confident.

"Go ahead," Miyako drily replied, shaking her head in slight amusement, "You've clearly overestimated the power going on your knees has over Nagao-taichou. He's not going to change his mind," she paused briefly and then added, "I'm not sure why you'd risk it, Shion; she might be a little more special to Nagao-taichou but at the end of the day she's just like every other child you take under your wing. You get overly attached if they're young enough, they last a few weeks or months with you, Nagao-taichou gets jealous and makes you put them with the others and then you move onto the next one when he tires of you moping."

Shion's face contorted for a moment into something desperate, "That's a lie! It's not like that. Sona's different. Nagao-taichou gave me his word this time that I could keep her with me for as long as I wanted."

She gripped me with cool hands and held me close, glaring at Miyako, "I'll be speaking to Nagao-taichou when he returns, so you watch your mouth Miyako-san."

Miyako lips twitched in a suppressed smirk, a huff leaving her lips as she shook her head at Shion. Without another word, Shion turned and stormed out of the room.

* * *

Regardless of Kuchisake's intentions, Nagao was away and wouldn't return until the end of the week. The dosage was upped the very next day, and within 24 hours the side effects had worsened.

Headaches and sleepy restlessness and stomach aches and nose bleeds and tremors in my limbs I could handle. It was the fact that I couldn't control my bladder.

I had worked so fucking hard for almost an entire year to be able to gain independence when it came to going to the toilet. The first time I pissed myself it was at dinner in front of everyone. There were only a few faces of disgust - most more than used to far more revolting situations - but the humiliation and loss of such a simple but precious bit of control had me curled up in the corner of the bathroom later that day sobbing painfully into my arms.

The next morning it happened again. Shion had gone to speak to the recently returned Nagao and left me reading by myself. I was pulled out of my thoughts when a warm sensation registered under me making me frown and shift. I realised what had happened with dread at the same moment I registered the liquid soaking into my clothes and the tang of urine hit my nose.

I froze for a second, my already straining brain struggling to work past my complete horror at pissing myself again and suddenly understanding that this could well be a reoccurring thing, before a rush of blood filled my cheeks and my eyes filled with tears.

I slapped my hands uselessly over my mouth as I cried, deeply despairing, and just wished someone would help me.

I didn't know how long I sat in a pool of my own piss crying my heart out, but it wasn't long enough for the liquid to cool before the door opened. Shion stumbled inside, and for a moment we both stared at each other.

She observed the state I was in at the same time as I took in her swollen and bloody nose, the ruffled hair and clothes, the split eyebrow and the deep red marks on her arms which I had no doubt would blacken quickly. Her eyes lowered to her feet and her expression crumpled and she sighed with such weariness that I almost flinched.

'Come on, Sweet thing," she shuffled toward me stiffly, defeat in her tone. She lifted me into her arms, a heavy silence between us as I sniffled back my tears and she restrained her pained winces.

"You're going to have to wash yourself like a big girl while I clean up the mess," her words tumbled and slurred together as she spoke, filling the bucket with warm water and stripping me of my sodden clothes. I was placed into the bucket with a bar of soap and a wash cloth in my hands, before she left, using the wall as a support every few steps.

I tried not to think about anything while I washed myself, unwilling to torment myself with fervent wishes to see Tou-san again. I didn't want to cry again.

When Shion came to pull me out of the water and wrap me in a towel, she carried me out to a sight that immediately had my breath catching in denial. Lying on the bed was a clean set of clothes and something I thought I'd left behind for good years ago.

"I don't want to," I shook my head frantically, unable to pull my eyes away from the sight.

"I know, Sweet thing, but you have to. You're going to keep having accidents for a while and you can't ruin your clothes every time you do," she explained, sounding stressed and tired.

I continued shaking my head silently, overwhelmed by the prospect of even this being taken away from me. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I barely managed when I'd been a physical baby, there was no way I could just lie there while she put one those fucking things back on me.

The moment she put me on the floor, towel wrapped around me, I shuffled small steps back from the bed. She picked up the cloth torture, turned around and approached me and I lost all sense of control.

"No!" The word left me as a high pitched shriek. I dropped the towel to run; there was no where to run, but I'd climb up the fucking walls before I let her put that thing on me.

Unfortunately, even battered, she was a Jonin with the reflexes and speed that came with the rank. She grabbed my arm to stop me from running past her, sharply calling my name. I turned in panic, clawing and hitting at her already damaged arms, shrieking 'No' over and over again as tears built in my eyes.

She pulled me closer to restrain me, her calls getting louder, but all I could see was the horrifying thing in her other hand getting closer. A noise left my throat then, that couldn't even rightly be called a scream the noise was so raw and animalistic, before it closed up and I couldn't fucking breathe.

I wheezed as I continued clawing at her hands and arms, targeting the developing bruises. My chest stuttered and rasped, unable to pull in air and I began to panic for a whole new reason. She had to let me go. I couldn't breathe while she had hold of me. _She had to get off me. I couldn't breathe. Fuck, I couldn't breathe. No. No!_

My head snapped to the side and my thoughts went blank and white for a split second, before the impact of Shion's palm to the side of my face registered followed by the sharp sting. I blinked in shock, finally taking a proper breath in. It took a few long seconds to gather myself, my thoughts still lagging slightly when I finally raised my head to look at her.

Her breathing was as harsh as mine, her eyes wide as she stared at me, "Sona… _What_ …"

When it became obvious she didn't know what to say, I weakly muttered, "I just can't."

Her hand released my arm and she sat back on the ground with a low sigh. I eyed her warily, easily able to see the battle with emotions on her face. The cloth torture dropped from limp fingers and she cupped her forehead with both hands, elbows on knees.

There was a prolonged silence as she seemed to sink into herself bit by bit, before a slight noise reached me from behind her hands. It sounded like… I saw the slight shaking of her shoulders and then a clearer noise and I realised she was crying.

I froze awkwardly, and just dumbly stared at her as her cries became more obvious. I'd never seen her cry before and it astonished me how human she looked. Human and vulnerable and broken down.

She hitched one breath in deeper than the rest and began wiping her face, "I can't deal with this today, Sona. I'm sorry Sweet thing, but I don't have anything more in me today. It's not… it's not fair on you and I know you're not having a good time either but I just need you to- let me put this on you. Please, Sweet thing. For me."

I swallowed thickly, and a big part of me genuinely wanted to do as she asked but I _just couldn't_. I couldn't tell her why I so viscerally reacted to the idea of it. I couldn't tell her why, even if I wanted to, taking the step in allowing her to put that first cloth torture on me wasn't going to happen. I couldn't explain to her the mental block that existed which prevented me from doing so.

There was no greater punishment that I had experienced so far in both worlds as being humiliated, belittled, demeaned or reduced in front of others. My Dad had done many things I hadn't agreed with at the time and still didn't, but to date the most unforgiveable thing in my eyes was in allowing his first and longest girlfriend, after my mother, to dictate many of my punishments all while saying nothing.

It was something like infantilism I now knew, but at the time I had just been horrified beyond words at this thing that was being done to me in front of my siblings, in front of my Dad, in front of her son and with the threat of my school mates witnessing my humiliation hanging over my head. It had been over 15 years since the last time it had happened and yet the memories still felt like a wound in my mind. I didn't like to think about it, and I had never spoken about it.

So I looked back at her sorrowfully and shook my head once more despite knowing that I had no real power in this situation. I knew that eventually she was going to get that thing on me. The knowledge had tears building again, but before they could fall Shion reached toward me and pulled me close.

"I'm sorry, Sweet thing. I wish I could take you away from all this, but I can't. I wish I could make things better." Her arms wrapped around me, holding me tight in her lap and for what felt like hours she cried into my hair rocking us back and forth. The devastation that radiated from her had me wanting to comfort her- to which a quiet bitter voice in my head wondered when this situation had become about me making her feel better, but I was too worn out for the thought or feeling to stick for more than a moment and eventually I sank into her embrace and fell asleep.

* * *

When I woke up the deed was already done. She held me through the panic attack both when I saw it and the first few times it was put to use.

She had me wearing pull-ups after that, and I could no longer tell if the nausea sitting low in my stomach was due to the pills or the deep shame and misery at the padded feeling of it every time I moved or sat down.

Shion stopped taking me to dinner with the others, choosing to stay in our room to eat. I had no arguments about it, not wanting to see anyone in my shame. Besides, she didn't really like it when I spoke to the other women and had begun to get increasingly unhappy when another adult talked to me outside of necessity.

I knew it was an isolation tactic but I was losing the will to care.

My only moments of peace and happiness were when I got lost in the rhythm of my pounding heart and the ache of muscles while I pushed past the fog and lethargy of my body and mind in order to keep up flexibility, strength, speed and throwing accuracy. The adrenaline rush making me feel alive for a short while, and the secret of my true skills making me feel closer to Tou-san.

* * *

I finally met some of the other children in the training room, and the sight of them -the proof of their existence in front of my eyes - jarred me horribly. They were dressed in all grey, their faces all looking slightly underfed and their skin pasty from lack of sun. There was something incredibly unsettling about all of them. A stillness, and lack of exuberance perhaps; they were too quiet. My colourful clothes stood me apart from them and they declined speaking to me out of wariness – not that I minded; I didn't really want to get to know them any better because I didn't want to get attached.

My heart hurt at the sight of them and I railed against my inability to help them. I couldn't even help myself. One boy, about five years old, dark green eyes, dirty blonde hair, and an old burn scar that covered the right side of his forehead stood out to me from the rest. He stuck to light exercise only and seemed to get away with it, he lacked the strength of the other children and it was clear after while of watching him that he kept himself separate from the others. I wondered why until I saw the track marks on his arms one day and realised that he was probably in the same boat as me – not a weapon, but an experiment.

They were all so young and already so damaged. The more I saw little hints of trauma and abuse in their actions and words as I observed, the more I began to despise every single adult in the facility. It was different when the only cruelty I saw was toward myself and Shion. She was an adult and despite the child body, so was I. Seeing it in kids all under the age of 12, more than anything, had me screaming inside to escape.

* * *

Kuchisake was more clingy than ever when I was with her, which had quickly become more stifling than comforting regardless of how inured I had become to her overly physical affectionate behavior. Maybe it was the pills affecting my thinking or maybe it was just me, but my stress levels were through the roof when she held me close and wouldn't let go for far too long.

The pills, the uncertainty, the side effects, the pull ups, the children, Nagao and Shion, the pungent scents of sex that wafted off the woman, or of bleach from the black box that I knew was telling of a child locked in the dark... it was all too much.

One morning, with a headache throbbing at the base of my head and a tension in my skull that promised a migraine later that day, I dully listened to Kuchisake get ready while she chattered about the men in the facility she was fucking, getting more and more inappropriate as time went on – my stress levels were already high while my tolerance was low. Shion dropped me off by myself at the training room, and as she kissed me I felt the tip of her tongue flicker across my lips. Something in me snapped.

I didn't move after she left for a long while. I wasn't angry exactly. I wasn't scared or panicked either. I was just fucking done. Apart from the pull-ups issue, I had done a fucking excellent job at assimilating without fuss and ensuring everyone underestimated me. I had exceeded my own expectations. Shion had always pushed boundaries with me and I had come to reluctantly accept that that was just her nature. I had no recourse but to accept her actions toward me and considering I was physically closed off to those I did not trust, I thought I'd handled myself pretty fucking well.

The tongue across my lips was too far. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. Not again.

The doors were, as always, locked. So I steadily wiped my sleeve across my mouth with a blank face, and walked toward the training equipment. I hadn't been taught how to dismantle training equipment in order to weaponise it, but I could whip up a lever to try and break the doors open.

My mind was in some sort of false calm as I spent hours pulling apart the various equipment and trying to force the door off its hinges. I carefully channeled more and more chakra into limbs in order to make up for my smaller physique. I used my tazer jutsu at full strength to try and short out whatever was keeping the door locked. I threw heavy objects at the door in the hope of busting it open. I walked across the walls and ceiling looking for a weak point or a hidden access.

Nothing.

The migraine that had been building eventually became too much and I flopped to the floor panting and sweating and feeling sick.

Just in time for the scraped and scratched door to open and Kuchisake to arrive earlier than she usually did. I stared at her with mounting trepidation as she silently took in the state of the room and the half dismantled equipment. Without a word she partially closed the door and checked the side I had covered in scratches in my escape attempts.

We locked eyes as she approached me slowly, her expression coldly knowing. I got to my feet quickly, fear churning away the closer she got. I reminded myself that no matter what she did, I could take it – that there was nothing she would be willing to dish out to a child that I wouldn't be willing to handle. I saw her hand move, but I made no attempt to avoid her when she raised it.

The slap was harsh in the otherwise quiet room, and harder than I'd expected. My body rocked with the blow and my face jerked to the side. A few seconds later the heat registered in my cheek, and my eye watered slightly as my migraine seemed to get worse for a few seconds, but I didn't cry.

I glanced cautiously at her face, but it revealed nothing beyond cold fury. She still didn't speak when she grabbed my arm in a tight grip and yanked me toward the door. I stumbled to keep up with her as she walked, slamming the door behind us and maintaining brisk pace back to our room.

Something deeply bitter and angry festered alongside the fear that she was going to punish me for trying to escape somewhere I had every right to want to leave, but I squashed it down and responded to her silence with my own.

We were almost back to our room when she was waylaid by a shinobi with his hand gripping another child by the back of the neck. I recognized it as the kid from the training room with track marks on his arms. His natural resting bitch face was soured even further by fear, and tears dripped down his cheeks as he sniffled quietly.

"Shion," the shinobi greeted, "This one was caught back talking to medical while Nagao-taichou was present."

"Oh. I see, thank you," She responded, a tense note in her voice. His gaze flickered to me, and then to the grip she had on my wrist.

"It looks like you might already have your hands full. You know Nagao-taichou is always willing to take care of it you're busy." The boy's face crumpled, and he released a quiet sob, beginning to tremble.

"No," she hurriedly assured, "I can deal with both at once. It's fine."

He shrugged, "I suppose it's probably better for them that you do the discipline. Alright kid, I guess it's your lucky day."

Shion held her other hand out, and the man released the kid's neck. He stepped quickly to Shion's side and slipped his hand into hers. Kuchisake and the man nodded briefly to each other, and then parted ways. Kuchisake released a frustrated breath and then resumed her brisk pace from before, dragging us both along with her.

It didn't take long before we were back home, and she immediately closed the door with a slam. She turned to us, and glared, "I was only checking on you to let you know I'd be a few more hours, Sona. I really don't have time for this. You couldn't have chosen a worse time to act like a spoilt brat and from now on if I see even a tiny bit of damage to the training room after you've finished using it you will sorely regret it. Do you understand me?"

I nodded, lowering my eyes to hide the rage in them. My hands were fisted into my clothes to hide the angry tension in them and I barely paid attention as she verbally castigated the kid next to me.

It wasn't long later that she muttered again, "I really don't have time for this." She seemed to make up her mind about something, then walked past us toward the big metal chest and fetched a key from her pocket to unlock the two padlocks on the front.

She turned to us, the boy already shuffling resignedly toward the chest, "Both of you get in. I don't want to hear a peep from you in the next few hours. No sniffling, no fidgeting, no whispering. If hear a single sound from that box you both get to stay in there all night."

For a moment I just stared in disbelief at the box. Was I actually going to do this? Was I going to move under my own will to get in that box so she could lock me in unjustly? What other choice did I have? There was no way I could move fast enough to take her off guard and kill or incapacitate her at this distance. Even if I did, I'd just spent hours proving that there was no way I could open the doors in the facility.

Fuck it, it was just a box and I was small enough that I could fit inside it with the other kid. I slowly made my way toward it, and allowed her to pick me and up and place me inside with the boy. We both fit comfortably, but I knew that before long the inability to shift much would feel stifling.

The metal chest was cold and unforgiving against my body, but I grit my teeth and simply closed my eyes so that I couldn't see that lid shutting out the rest of the light.

A sharp rap on the lid vibrated loudly in my ears making me jump.

"Remember, not one sound from either of you. You both sit there and think about what you've done."

I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The boy next to me sniffled quietly, breaths hitching now and then, tucked up in a ball. His temperature was warm compared to the box and I carefully shifted closer to him until we were plastered against each other. His sniffling paused for a second, but beyond that he didn't react.

I closed my eyes, measured my breathing and relaxed my muscles. I was furious. I was so fucking angry that I could feel my eyes watering and my Ketsuryūgan activate. I would have been indignant about my own punishment, but what had my bloodlust rising was the boy sitting next to me. I acknowledged in some part of my mind that it sounded as though shoving kids in a metal chest and locking them in was Shion's alternative to letting Nagao-taichou at them, but that didn't make me okay with this.

As bloody trails ran down my cheeks, I absently wiped them up with my fingers and popped them in my mouth to run the delicious sweet-salty-metallic taste over my tongue as the scent pleasantly tickled my nose.

By the time both of our body temperatures had heated up the small space we were crammed into, I heard the door open again as Kuchisake returned. She was giggling lightly, and I immediately knew from the sound of it that she had male company. My breathing paused in shock at first, and then my brows furrowed. She wasn't going to…. while we were in here? Why? She always went back to the other person's room.

I listened more carefully, thankful for my superior hearing. A low voice murmured to her, "Are you sure this is okay?"

Oh fuck no. I recognised that voice. It was Kenta, the grey-skinned, piss-eyed pubescent medical assistant with an infatuation over Shion. No wonder she brought him back – under sixteens didn't get their own room in the facility as far as I was aware.

The box began to overheat with our combined bodies, but there was little we could do about it beyond shift as far apart from each other as possible. That still left us with far too much pressed against each other, as Shion seducing a stumbling fumbling teenager was the bad-porn soundtrack in my ears.

The sound of people screwing each other was not something that bothered me. I didn't care and I had grown up with my womanizing Dad's bedroom being right next to mine. Sex was basically a bedtime lullaby to me at this point. It was everything else in the equation. It was the knowledge that one of those two people was around fifteen years old while the other was a grown woman. It was the fact that I had Shion panting reaching one ear while an overheated little boy panting was in my other ear. It was being too hot, and the air feeling too thin in my lungs and being unable to move into a more comfortable position as my limbs and spine and neck began to ache.

To make matters worse, my bladder decided that now was an excellent time to void itself. I squeezed my eyes shut and mentally apologised to the boy, knowing that before long the smell was going to reach him and then just fill the entire box.

The whole experience seemed to just go on and on and on. Good on the teenage boy for lasting so long? The box got hotter and hotter until we were both panting lightly and dripping with sweat, the acrid scent of piss overwhelming me to the point that I felt more nauseous than usual.

I was light headed and dizzy the point that I barely noticed when the noises went quiet for a while. There were some wet kissing noises and then eventually I heard shuffling and low murmuring to each other and the occasional chuckle or giggle. Finally I heard clothes rustling, more wet kissing, and the short conversation that made everything click in my mind.

"Are you sure you'll be able to see the results first?" Kuchisake asked, sounding slightly worried.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Don't worry about it. I usually check over the chakra results before they get recorded on paper for everyone else, so no one will notice anything,' Kenta assured, all confidence now that he'd had sex.

"How do you know what to change them to so that it looks natural?" She lightly challenged.

"It will be easy, I promise. One of the first kids I assisted around had chakra coils that wouldn't grow due to an untreatable medical condition. I'll edit your kid's results to mimic the other one's."

"I believe you. You're more than capable, Kenta," she added some breath to her voice, "And afterwards, you're more than welcome back here."

Did she really sleep with a teenager so that he'd edit my medical results? Or was the sex just a positive add-on to her? Either way the fact that she slept with someone so young had my nose curling in distaste (even more than the pissy smell saturating the air did).

He left not long afterward and as soon as he did, footsteps approached the metal chest we were in. Clanking revealed that she was unlocking the padlocks and then finally the lid opened. I squinted my eyes at the sudden burst of light and took a deep, relieved whiff of the cool air. It was almost as saturated with the scent of sex as the box was of piss but at that point I hardly cared.

One by one we were lifted out of the chest and found our feet. She pursed her lips critically at us, an oddly satisfied glint in her eyes considering what she had just done in full hearing range of us.

"I hope you've learned better than to talk back to the adults here," she pointedly asked the boy, who timidly nodded his head with his scowling bitch face still in place.

"And I hope you've learned better than to dismantle the training equipment." We both knew that wasn't what I was really being punished for, but I nodded all the same.

She took the kid back to wherever the rest of the children were kept and I took the opportunity to change the pull-up by myself for goddamn once. She didn't look entirely pleased when she came back and saw a fresh one on me, but tough fucking luck.

She ran a bath and barely said a word until we were both submerged, holding me slightly too tight as she stroked fingers through my wet hair.

"What did you think you were going to achieve, hm?" Her voice was gentle and lightly chiding, but there was an edge to her voice that had me wary.

"I wasn't feeling good," I replied, trying to sound childish and miserable, hoping that she would take my response and make assumptions about immature panic at not feeling well and being alone fueling my actions.

"And what if you had managed to get the door open? What then? You could have run into any of the people here and not all of them are friendly like me. Or you could have become lost and found your way out of the facility – that would have put you in a very dangerous position, Sweet thing. I only ever do what is best for you, do you understand?"

I bit the inside of my cheek at the bullshit she was spouting, scrunching my eyes shut.

"Do you understand?" She asked, the manic edge in her voice becoming prominent, her nails digging in slightly to my skin.

"Yes," I finally whispered.

There was a pause before she relaxed her tight hold on me just a little, and resumed stroking though my hair, "Good," she quietly replied, kissing the top of my head.

A little while later she spoke again, "You know I love you more than anyone in this world, don't you? You're as good as my own daughter."

There was loaded silence after that as she waited for my response. I knew there was only one answer that she'd be content with.

"I love you, too." I hated that it sounded like defeat and capitulation coming from my mouth. I hated that it sounded like reluctant honesty.

"Would you call me Kaa-chan?" She asked, though it sounded more like a demand.

I paused for too long and she squeezed me meaningfully, "I have one already," I made myself sound confused.

She tensed slightly, before she laughed falsely, "I don't mean to speak ill of anyone, Sweet thing, but she wasn't a very good one. She isn't a good parent. I kept this quiet to spare your feelings because I didn't want you to blame yourself or think anything was your fault, but she's had the opportunity to visit you here a few times and she's said no each time.

"She… doesn't want to see you. It's nothing you've done or said. There was nothing you could have done to change her mind. She's just… not cut out for the responsibilities of motherhood. As a mother myself I can tell these things about another woman. So you don't really have a mother anymore, Sweet thing.

"Do you know what I think though? I think she doesn't know what she's giving up on; you're such an amazing special smart child and I would love for you to be my daughter."

She looked me in the eyes, appearing compassionate and sympathetic and loving, "So will you? Will you call me Kaa-chan?"

I nodded absently, my mind a million miles away in the past as memories I had long forgotten threw themselves at me with horrifying clarity.

"Thank you, little baby. That means so much to me."

The words hardly registered in my mind. I was vaguely aware of being dried and dressed at one point, and of Shion leaving to see Nagao. But most of me was stuck in the sick memories of my childhood.

 _I'm your mother more than that woman has ever been._

 _I make you wear these nappies because she didn't raise you right. I have to start from scratch._

 _It's okay for me to do this because I'm a woman. Don't let a man do this to you._

 _Call me Mum, do it Sona. Call me Mum._

 _You're my precious little baby, my beautiful smart girl._

 _If you were white everyone would think you were my actual daughter, you know, because I'm your Mum in every way but biologically._

 _It's just us today, beautiful baby. I have a great idea, let's just go without clothes today. You don't even have to wear a nappy._

 _Look at me, Sona. Look at this. This is what a woman looks like, little baby. Don't look away._

 _You can touch me back if you want. Just here. Touch me here, beautiful baby._

Vomit forced its way up my throat and all over the floor, shocking me out of my memories. Fuck… how could I have just forgotten something like that? No, it was less like I'd forgotten and more like the memories had just been sorted amongst all of my other less important childhood memories because for most of them I hadn't been particularly distressed at the time – just a bit weirded out.

It was like suddenly remembering the after-school snack you used to have. Or the bubble bath that you used to use. You'd always kind of known but had never had cause to remember.

It was only now that all those separate incidents congregated together and blasted me with a horrifying realisation of what had actually happened to me. I came to the disgusted revelation that the reason why I'd failed to put the pattern of Shion's behaviours together before was because a part of me hadn't wanted to make the connection between what I was currently seeing and experiencing with Kuchisake and what had happened to me when I was young.

I'd known that Shion reminded me of that woman since almost the first day I'd met her, but I hadn't looked deeper into the comparison as it got stronger in my mind.

With tears in my eyes, I looked toward the door in the vague hope that Shion would be gone until late so that I could have time to collect myself.

Only to see the door not looking quite like normal.

It felt like my heart froze in my chest for a moment and my gut clenched painfully. I took a step forward to examine it as my heart made up for its momentary pause by working double time.

Sweat gathered in my palms and my breath turned shaky as I approached the door. With hope in my throat I leaned closer to it and confirmed my suspicions; the door wasn't fully closed. The handle hadn't been pulled hard enough for the lock to activate.

My fingers shakily reached toward it, planning to dig my fingers into the small edge of the door that was visible only to pause as two thoughts occurred to me.

If my fingers slipped, the weight behind the swing back could shut the door properly and lock me in. This could also be a test after the events of today.

Anger boiled in my chest at my own hesitation. When I had first arrived I never would have hesitated out of fear of upsetting someone and getting into trouble. I was not becoming someone who saw a chance of freedom and didn't take it unless I had a genuinely strategic reason.

I mentally snarled at the part of my mind that begged me to consider just pretending I had never noticed the door, that it was safer if I never took a step outside the room without Shion's permission, that I didn't want to alienate her after I'd made such a drastic mistake already today, that I should just wait until I had a more certain opportunity to escape. Fuck that.

I crawled up the wall, closed my eyes briefly and calmed my thoughts.

[Breathe. Use all senses. What can be heard?]

There was no one outside, unless there was someone intentionally lying in wait for me being as quiet as possible.

I opened the door a fraction, and allowed the air to filter in.

[What can be smelt?]

I took a whiff of the air, carefully filtering the air with a slightly open mouth so that it settled on my tongue as well.

[No one has been past in the last few minutes. No one lingers unless they're blocking their scent intentionally – unlikely due to lack of awareness of superior senses]

I took a few seconds longer, just listening and scenting the air with as much focus as possible. I couldn't detect a single person and this was the best chance I'd had since I'd arrived. Thank god camera surveillance wasn't a thing in this world, as far as I was aware.

I pulled the door open and peered out. Nobody was visible. Now the important question: where did I go from there? I had never seen a hint of an exit and I didn't know which direction one might be.

[Try scent. Fresh air and outside smells are very recognisable]

I tried to get a sense of where the access to outside might be from the air, but no matter how carefully I focused, there was no indication. There were never any windows in the hallways and I had no access to the rooms that might contain windows that opened.

I had to guess. Left it was.

With my ears peeled, I suppressed my chakra as completely as I knew how, carefully exited the room and pulled the door shut. No way back now. If someone walked past, I didn't want them getting curious about why a door was open if they knew I was supposed to be inside.

I walked steadily, keeping my ears as trained on my surroundings as possible. Unless there was someone with near Jonin skills intentionally sneaking around, I'd be able to hear them coming long enough to run the other way.

I took lefts and rights at random points, scenting the air the whole time for an indication of a breeze. I only heard footsteps once, which was enough to raise my heart into my throat, but I had plenty of warning to duck into a different hallway hastily and be out of sight before they got near me.

I felt my stress rise as time passed and I continued wandering aimlessly. My stomach began to ache and dizziness staggered my footsteps increasingly. My concentration shorted out multiple times as dizzy spells almost took me to my knees. Fuck _fuck_. Not now. Please not now.

I growled in the back of throat and crawled forward when one swept me completely off my feet and kept me from getting back up.

It was too hot, sweat was dripping from the end of my nose as my vision fuzzed in and out. No no no. Anyone could be right around the corner, but I couldn't concentrate.

* * *

I opened my eyes, panting. When had I closed them? Why wasn't I moving? How long had I just been kneeling there for anyone to find me?

As a ringing in my mind that I hadn't been aware of receded slightly, I realised some of the crackling in my ears wasn't made up. Straining my hearing, I held my breath and tried to listen past the beat of my heart.

That was… was that? I tilted my head. Yes, it had to be. I could hear rain.

I hadn't heard the weather the entire time I'd been here, which meant access to the outside had to be close.

Following my ears, and then my nose when I was able to identify the change in air quality, I carefully but eagerly made my way forward. This was it; this was my chance.

I turned the corner and saw a double door. It was partially open and there was the very clear sound and scent of pouring rain coming from outside. Kami I missed the wind and rain and sun. I missed the sight of the sky and the trees and feel of the grass under my toes.

The only issue was that due to the rain it was impossible for me to tell if there was anyone waiting outside. If that was an exit, there probably was.

I'd just have to be vigilant.

I opened the door a fraction more, peeking out and listening, but the rain had picked up to deafening levels and it filled my senses. Deciding to risk it, I opened the door just enough to slip out and pulled it to behind me just in case I had to slip back inside.

For a second, I was overwhelmed by the sight and smell and feel of _outside_. The wind brushed against me like cold perfection, and I felt choked at the sensation of it curling around my nostrils. For that moment I felt more at peace than I had been in far too long.

But then a small sound made its way toward me and I spotted a figure at the bottom of the steps to the right, hidden in shadow. My head snapped toward it, adrenalin crashing through me.

Through the grey of the rain, I spotted just about the last person I wanted to see at that point; Kuchisake sitting there getting soaked. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I inched backward. But there was nowhere to go that would save me from trouble; I'd closed the bedroom door behind me and there was no way back in.

My hesitation cost me, because something must have given me away and her head turned to me. We locked eyes, hers shocked and mine filled with terror.

I saw the knowledge in her eyes. She knew exactly what I was trying to do. She didn't react, though, just sitting there and staring at me. I saw the lack of resolve in her face and suddenly jumped on the last thing I could rely on; people's desire to deny unpleasant realities.

"Kaa-chan," I forced out, making my feet take unsteady steps toward her.

As I got closer, I saw the signs of another violent ending with Nagao on her skin, and swollen eyes from crying. From the shuddering of her torso and her breathing, I was fairly certain she was still crying.

Her eyes flickered at the sight of me reaching out to her, she hesitated, and then she reached back.

"Did I leave the door open?" She faintly questioned amidst hitched sobs. A callous part of me was thankful that the beatings always left her more needy for me, more uncertain and vulnerable.

I nodded and sadly added, "I threw up."

"Poor baby," her hand curled around me and pulled me into her lap, the cold rain soaking both of us.

She held me to her for a long while as the wind and rain chilled me to shivering and had me pressing closer to her for heat while her cries steadily continued. I took the chance to scout our surroundings and, with a mixture of sinking disappointment and relief saw that I hadn't actually _almost_ made it to freedom, came to realisation that I had found a very large courtyard rather than an exit.

"You know," she sniffed, "They call me Ame-Onna because I'm from Amegakure and it's my name in the bingo book, but also because I can't see the rain without crying. It always used to rain back home. The rain never stopped, and at the time I hated it, but now… I can never see it without being reminded of the best years of my life with my beautiful little raindrop. It reminds me how far from home I am right now, and that I will never go back."

I'd already been able to figure that we weren't in Kaze from previous comments about the rain, a complete lack of sand grains in anyone's clothes, and the amount of water that Shion felt free to use, but the comment about being far from home had me drawing up the maps I'd looked at.

If we were in Hi no Kuni, it was likely to the very eastern or southern point. We probably weren't in Tsuchi no Kuni, maybe far West. None of the areas around Ame no Kuni, so there was a fairly high possibility of Kaminari no Kuni, Mizu no Kuni or somewhere close by. Not that the information did me any good if I didn't escape.

"Come on, Sweet thing. Let's get back inside before you catch a cold," Shion stood up and turned to walk inside. As she limped slowly up the stairs, I looked over her shoulder at the heavy clouds with a scream trapped in my lungs. Just as she reached the top step and pushed the door open, the rain let up just enough that I could see the end of the courtyard. Those were undeniably gates I could now see. Gates I was certain led to outside the facility grounds. Gates that led to Tou-san.

My hand curled up to Shion's hair without a thought only to reach loose locks. She wasn't wearing her hair pins.

A low moan of agony left my throat as the door closed on the sight and locked automatically.

* * *

 _Next chapter within 48 hours!_

 _Well. I'm not really sure if I should say 'here you go' or 'oh god I'm so sorry I'm such a sadist'_

 _I can't fully remember what I wrote in this specific chapter, but I'm sure it was sufficiently awful._

 _Out of a hundred how much to you hate Kuchisake? Or do you feel (reluctant I'm sure) sympathy/pity for her as well?_

 _On the plus side, Sonaru now knows the way out. All she needs is an opportunity._

 _How do you think that will go down? Or will she be rescued? Perhaps she'll be released by a certain overly attached adult... what do you think?_


	53. Chapter 53

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Hopefully this chapter isn't as much of a killer as the last one?

The reception to the last chapter was awesome, thank you guys! I was worried that after so long interest would have died in the story but I'm glad that so far it's proved untrue.

I have this chapter and then four more waiting to be posted so you should have maybe a week or so of steady chapters incoming?

As always, I have no beta and there's been no editing or proof reading.

Also, I know I've always put English underlined whenever I remember to do so, but I figured most of you can guess when a character is speaking English based upon who they are, who they're talking to and how foul their language is? I will still underline if it's plot relevant that they're talking/writing in English - such as discussing important secrets, in code, or in front of people who don't know about the language. It's not really relevant for this chapter I don't think, but for future reference.

* * *

It has been suggested to me that with the increase of traumatic events that Sonaru is exposed to in this section of the story, I should include a helpline for anyone who feels this triggers their own trauma and needs to talk to someone. And I agree:

 **UK**

Samaritans number (24/7): 116123 -from any phone

Or 0330 094 5717 -local charges apply

Alternatively you can go to: h ttps:/ /www. nhs. uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ and find whichever helpline you feel most covers your needs. Obviously take out the spaces between the h and t, the two /, and after the two dots.

 **USA**

NAMI number (Monday - Friday 10am - 6pm est): 18009506264

Or NMIH number (Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5pm est): (866) 615-6464

My readers are mainly from the US or UK, so I've included those - if you have a better number or just another one you think I should add, pm me or let me know in your review.

Also if you believe I should include a number from another country, let me know which country, organisation and what the number is and I'll add it.

* * *

Anyways! Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 52 - Sick Like Me**

Kuchisake was worried about how quiet I was being, but I played it off as part of the side effects from the meds. The near miss of my escape hurt and, combined with the resurgence of memories from my early childhood, had me feeling bitter and depressed.

Medical began to take my blood regularly, measuring my chakra and observing it for changes. What exactly they were hoping for, I wasn't sure; it wasn't like they bothered to sit me down and explain to me what they were doing at any point.

I'd expected to feel tired and unwell at the daily removal of blood from my body but, beyond the usual feeling like shit that the pills caused, I only noticed a minor increase in dizziness.

It became apparent fairly quickly that my chakra levels were being recorded as the same amount over and over again, with no changes at all. Further in depth tests came back positive for some sort of congenital chakra disability.

I carefully pretended that I had no idea what they were talking about, the information too advanced to understand at my 'young age', but I observed with some relief that nothing seemed to change in their plans or attitude toward me.

The only hint came from a throwaway comment Hiroshi made, his quizzical no-eyebrow expression making everything he said sound harmless, "No worries, she'll just be of no use doing the usual when we're done."

I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing, but from the way Shion relaxed it was probably in my favour.

I watched with a mixture of dismay and relief as the needles in my skin every day began causing scars on the inside of my arm. I didn't like what they were doing to me, and the marks on my arms were a reminder that tomorrow would bring more of the same, but at the same time I found a sort of pleasure at physical proof of the damage staying at the facility was doing to me. I always preferred physical scars over mental ones – I considered them evidence that I had survived damage and moved on from it, like badges of strength. I thought of scars like the full stops of my suffering; yes, I had experienced pain, and there was a story about each one but they were also a visible end to that pain.

I wasn't sure if the marks developing on my arms were just a natural result of the needle going in so many times, or if it was only people with shitty technique that caused them, but soon I began to match the rest of the kids who were primarily there for experimentation purposes.

* * *

After the experience of being locked in the chest with the scowly burn mark kid, I no longer got alone time in the training room. There was always someone there supervising me or other kids using the room. He didn't speak to me, and barely looked at me, but he would sit next to me as he practiced his light exercises and I kept up my flexibility.

I didn't mind – the company was nice but the comfortable silence was even nicer. I could spend time with someone with barely a façade in place and it wasn't until something heavy lifted off my shoulders and chest for just a few hours that I realized how exhausting and stressful keeping up my role of Sona was all the time without break.

* * *

Days rolled by with agonising monotony; I spent time with Shion, she forced kisses and caresses onto me while increasingly pushing past my boundaries, I read and lost at shogi and played go, I had blood drawn and chakra measured, I took the pills, I exercised in silence, I didn't sleep, I lost control of my bladder, I lost control of my limbs, I lost control of my senses, I lost control of my brain, I vomited, I bled from my nose, I cried from the pain in my stomach or brain. Shion watched on with possessiveness and distress, Nagao with satisfaction, the medical children with understanding and everyone else with apathy.

Watching as a young child fell on the floor seizing, or vomiting blood, or suddenly showing completely altered behavior as they threw terrifying rage attacks or withdrew completely into themselves… it had a deeper impact on me than going through it myself. When it was happening to me it was still horrible, but I was comforted by the knowledge that although I was struggling mentally, I was also getting by – I took strength in my snarky internal commentary and my determination to get out of here. When I had to witness it in another, I had no such guarantees. I didn't know if that child had the strength and mental fortitude to live past what was being done to them or if I was standing there watching them break.

Sometimes I waited until Kuchisake was asleep before I let myself cry out the pain and self loathing of having to stand by and do nothing – their suffering haunted me far more than my own.

* * *

One day I turned up to the training room, with many familiar faces already using it, and approached Scarred'n'Scowly only to see him sitting with someone already. He looked almost amiable, and when I got a better look at the kid he was with my heart squeezed painfully. It was a tiny girl – she looked to be two years old, with light brown curly hair, knobbly knees, a dimple on her right cheek and twice as many track marks on her arms as any other medical kid I'd seen.

I approached uncertainly, not sure if I wanted to be around something that hurt me to look at. Scarred'n'Scowly spotted me, looking marginally less scowly than usual and opened his posture enough that I knew he wanted me to sit near him.

I couldn't take my eyes off her for more than a few seconds as she squeezed herself closer to him, twiddling a ribbon she gripped like it was a comfort blanket to her. The ribbon was a little tattered and chewed looking, and whatever colour it had been originally I couldn't have guessed accurately.

She was so vulnerable and young that I couldn't bear the sight of her in the facility. I sat down without a word to either of them and turned my gaze away hoping that doing so would help reduce the feeling of someone's fist around my heart. I stared at the floor for a long moment, but I couldn't prevent the silent tears from welling up and spilling over. This wasn't okay. I wasn't okay.

"Feel bad for _them_ ," a surprisingly rough voice stated. My head snapped round to Scarred'n'Scowly in surprise and saw him grimacing at the other children, who were there for intense shinobi training.

"Huh?"

He rolled his eyes at me and scoffed, "Don't feel bad for us. Feel bad for them."

"Why?"

"None of their parents want them," he shrugged, picking at a scab on his arm absently. The curly haired, dimple cheeked, ribbon twiddling heart wrencher plopped herself by his side, staring off at the wall and trailing her ribbon along the floor.

I rubbed my wet cheeks and raised my brow curiously, "How do you know that?"

"'Cos they all come from the same place," He frowned irritably at me, before turning back to his scab picking.

"So?"

"So," he snippily replied, a slight growl to his tone, "Their Kage or whatever, he asks their parents to give them up so he can send them here to become shinobi. Their parents know they'll never see them again and some of them might die but they still send them. A couple of them say their parents didn't want to, but they got taken anyway. A lot of them say their parents created them for the Kage."

"But not the medical kids?"

"No. We're from all over the place."

"Oh… what are we here for, then?" I asked, confused and wary.

His lips turned down and he looked witheringly at me, "I don't know." Then he huffed with a roll of his eyes and turned away, clearly very much done with the conversation.

God, the sass of this child.

But it did explain some of why this facility existed in the first place. My first real answers regarding this place, if not the answers I was looking for.

This was essentially somewhere to indoctrinate and dehumanise the children away from the influencing factors of their families, in order to turn them into remorseless killers for their Kage, at the permission of most of their parents. Because _that_ was bound to result in stable members of society without a huge range of issues. Fuck this place.

Shion came to pick me up early that day, and the delighted expression on her face when she saw all three of us sitting together had me suspicious – the pale-eyed woman liked to keep me as socially isolated as she could, and so seeing me potentially making friends should not have had her looking so pleased.

"It's great to see you making friends, Sweet thing. I'll have to make sure you're both here together more often," her scars stretched with her smile, but I saw the shadow of calculation behind it and made note of the fact that although she then bent over and cooed over the Little Heart Wrencher, she hadn't mentioned the girl in her statement.

True to her word, Scarred'n'Scowly was there every time I showed up to the training rooms. More often than not Little Heart Wrencher was also there, twiddling the dirty frayed ribbon round and round her fingers. Although he never warmed up to full conversations with me – he didn't seem like the conversational type to be honest – he began to reveal nuggets of knowledge about the facility that I hadn't learnt due to my highly restricted exposure to other people.

He told me about medical and military not trusting each other and barely having anything to do with each other, with three exceptions; Nagao, Kuchisake and Hiroshi – who was apparently head of medical, which surprised me.

I learnt that all medical children began more serious training after their purpose was served in medical, until they'd learned the basics, and were then sent elsewhere – if they lived that long – although nobody knew where and nobody heard from them again.

Suddenly I had a better understanding of why Shion was insistent that I pretend my chakra didn't work properly. If I was no use as a shinobi then I was no of no use wherever they were sending these children after they were done with them.

I learnt that although the place was supposed to be equally military and medical, medical got priority and the shinobi here resented them – with extra suspicion thrown in because apparently no fucker but medical themselves and probably Nagao knew what they were trying to achieve.

"Don't tell me personal information unless it's useful to me," I once told him dully, "Not about any of the kids here."

"Why not?" He archly questioned. I looked away and grimaced.

"I'll get out of here one day," I quietly uttered, "I'm going to get away and I don't have the skill to take anyone with me. Your existence… all of you… you're going to haunt me as it is. Wondering what happened to you, if you got away, if life got even worse or if you're still stuck here. It'll be difficult enough without knowing the details of the lives you once had."

There was a prolonged silence before he lightly scoffed, "No one escapes. Most of us don't have anywhere to escape to."

I shrugged, unwilling to argue. He may not have believed me, but he never told me anything personal about himself.

* * *

It was such a simple thing that connected the dots together for me, explaining why I had been taken.

All it took was Ike being a little lax with her wrists as she held my medical files, too busy trying to get under Shion's skin. The file dipped, allowing me to run my eyes over the information inside. It took a few seconds to translate what I had seen upside down.

"Those are my medical files," I frowned, speaking without thinking.

Ike's attention diverted to me, following the direction of my gaze and straightening her wrist up, "Yes," she replied, a sugary hint of patronization in her voice, "We record everything we do here with you and it gets added to your files."

"But…those dates were from years ago," my mind ran at a million miles an hour to figure out how the fuck they'd gotten hold of my files as Hatake Subaru. Not only were they under the impression that I was Igarashi Sona only, but my medical files were supposed to be incredibly difficult to get hold of.

"That's right, Sweet thing. We were sent your medical files so that we'd be as informed as possible when we treated you," Kuchisake jumped in.

I was baffled and more than a little frightened. Someone had not only managed to get their hands on my medical files, but had done so without even truly realising what they had found.

[Breathe. Think. You were still connected to those files.]

The name and identity of Igarashi Sona had been connected to the medical record of Hatake Subaru. Why?

[Sona and Subaru. Regardless of the clothes and name and paper history, they have the same biology.]

For the first time, I considered the details behind creating the identity of Igarashi Sona. I'd had little to do with it, but from what I understood the exact same process had been followed for any other undercover identity. There was a chance that the civilian heir of the Igarashi clan had been given a copy of Hatake Subaru's medical information so that the identity held up under medical scrutiny.

But would that not put clans with clan secrets related to their biology at risk of immediate discovery in such a situation? Except the Hatake clan wasn't supposed to have any clan secrets related to what had been written in my medical records, so there probably wouldn't have been anything omitted for Sona's.

And, of course, civilian Igarashi Sona's medical files were given the exact same level of security as any other civilian clan member. Nowhere near the level of Hatake Subaru.

[Nothing explicitly written about the Ketsuryugan written in the medical files. They had to have known what they were looking at from the hints given. Whoever arranged the kidnapping already knew of the Chinoike blood limit. High chance that they already knew of your existence, but not your name.]

For someone to already know of my Chinoike heritage but not my Hatake heritage, they were very unlikely to be based in Konoha. It was far more probable that they knew of how this body was created, but little of what happened to me afterward.

Could I be in Kirigakure, where this body was created? But that didn't make any sense; Scarred'n'Scowly had said that the kids were sent here under orders and that this facility was permitted by their Kage, which meant that they would have no interest in keeping me as a pet project for my bloodline. Not when Kiri was embroiled in a civil war over the treatment of people with Kekkei Genkai.

I didn't doubt that my kidnapping and experimentation was perfectly capable of being done by someone who was having others with a bloodline murdered on mass, but there was no way that I would be treated as well as I was in comparison to other kids.

It gave me some clue as to why I had been taken in the first place, but I still had no idea where I was or who had taken me or what their intentions were for me.

The dangle of ultimately useless knowledge had me frustrated, which only increased when I began to notice that, while previously I had seen a bit of improvement in my skills from using the training room alone, I was now stuck with flatlining abilities – unable to physically push myself anywhere close to my limit. There was something exhausted and defeated and recklessly angry bubbling underneath the surface of my skin, which had generally stayed to a low simmer but was now heating up without the cathartic release of running myself into the ground.

* * *

I hadn't seen Nagao-taichou up close for a little while when Kuchisake dressed me up nicely with fluttery nervous movements that I recognised with dread.

I'd gotten no sleep for days and I was feeling half way insane. My skin ached, my muscles juddered coldly and my bones weighed heavy. My brain floated half a step behind reality while my fine motor functions had given up altogether. My stomach pounded painfully while my blood rushed behind my eyes with uncomfortable pressure.

The trip to Nagao-taichou's office passed in an unrecognizable blur as I was carried too tightly in Kuchisake's arms. She placed me down on the ground, my stomach somehow managing to get exponentially more painful, and knocked on the door as I swayed unsteadily.

I needed to lie down and cry a little.

The door swung open and my vision fuzzed out. When my mind came back online I was inside and Nagao was talking – his cold voice very distinct despite my inability to lift my eyes from the floor.

"-with the progress. This is going far quicker than the initial estimates given to me and I know at least some of that is your priceless assistance. We're moving onto the next stage after one last thorough check-up on the child, and then-"

My vision fuzzed out again as my stomach squeezed and churned overwhelmingly. I whimpered from the pain and effort to stay standing, and vaguely felt a hand grip my arm.

"Quiet, Sweet thing," Shion warned gently, "Apologies, Nagao-taichou. Please continue."

"I truly believe that once we have achieved the first success, I will be given permission to repeat this on more risky combinations," I heard him walk closer, but I was more concerned with the sweat dripping from me and the fire radiating from my stomach.

"She will be my proof," his feet and shins entered my vision and I grimaced as my stomach roiled, "She's going to be magnifi-"

Liquid surged demandingly up my throat and sprayed out of my nose and mouth with impressive velocity.

My tongue and nasal passage were scorched from the sweet-salty-metallic taste heavily mixed into bitter bile and acid as it aimed unerringly across Nagao's expensive office, splattering his neatly pressed trousers and shinobi boots. When I finally had a moment's reprieve, I took a desperate gulp in – focusing intently on calming my protesting stomach as vomit dripped messily down my chin.

With hazy eyes I took in the complete mess I'd made, and realised the huge red stain that liberally decorated the area in front of me revealed I had a fair amount of blood in my puke. I tried to lift my eyes to take in Nagao's reaction and assess how much danger I was in, but my eyes rolled into the back of my head when I tried and I groaned in pain, listing slightly from side to side.

I forced my eyelids open with great effort only to see a fist aiming straight for my face. I stumbled back and fell onto my butt with a weak yelp, but that shouldn't have been enough to avoid the damage. The tight hand wrapped around his wrist belonging to Kuchisake revealed why his fist hadn't caved my skull in.

"Nagao-taichou… please. It's not her fault," Shion murmured, fear thickening her voice as she watched him with anxiety.

He didn't reply, his arctic stare unwavering from my form even as I failed to coordinate my limbs into standing. Panic screamed through the haze at how physically vulnerable I was while less than three feet away from someone who had just tried to kill me, but all I could do was press my hands as hard as I could into the floor to try to orientate myself and stop the room spinning.

At seeing his cold rage, Shion switched track, "Don't hurt her, Nagao-taichou. She's so weak right now, a single blow would kill her. It would be such a waste of her potential."

"Whose fault is it then?" He inquired, a disturbing note in his voice made all the worse by its apparent calmness.

"…What?" She asked, her brow furrowed in confusion, though a knowing dread twisted the scars of her mouth. His eyes flickered to her finally, though they were no less furious.

"There is vomit staining my floor, my feet and my legs. You said it isn't the child's fault, so whose fault is it?" There was something pointed about the way he said it, and Kuchisake's shoulders tensed, even as her hand relaxed and slid from his wrist. Her expression crumpled into a familiar weary and frightened despair.

"Mine," she uttered, barely a breath, "I brought her here even though I knew the side effects of her medication."

His expression settled and froze into an almost peaceful resolve, despite the intensity of his eyes, "Your fault." It sounded like confirmation.

Quicker than I could follow, Nagao moved and Kuchisake was thrown across the room until she hit the wall with a wheeze, her head snapping back with a stomach churning sound.

As though I was transported back to a scene that had played out so many times during my childhood, I sat there uselessly, a silent witness to Kuchisake's punishment. He back handed her, and then pinned her limp body to the wall by her neck with his forearm while the knuckles of other hand mercilessly slammed into her stomach. Her knees moved up to protect her abdomen instinctively, but he gripped her throat and knocked her back against the wall over and over again – the harsh thuds a sickening noise – until she went slack.

He used his grip to throw her across his desk, sweeping everything off and crashing onto the ground - including herself. She curled into a pitiful ball, a whimpering sob escaping her mouth when he approached her determinedly. He kicked her over and over again, and when showed no sign of letting up, she began to scream.

I lost my will to look after that – there was nothing I could do if I found myself in danger suddenly anyway – so I allowed my elbows to unlock and flopped gracelessly onto my back, staring up at the spinning ceiling as the discordant screams and thumps and crashes played loudly for what felt like an eternity.

Not once had Shion's hand even twitched toward the hair pins she wore.

At this rate, I doubted she would use them against him even if it would save her life. I wondered absently, as something made a snapping noise and her scream cut off into ringing silence for long seconds before picking up even more desperate and pained, if she was actually going to leave the room alive. I wondered if I would leave the room alive if she died today.

My ears ached at the noises Kuchisake could make, and I closed my eyes, distracting myself by pondering on the how I felt about dying today. I wasn't afraid of being dead. I wasn't afraid of dying – not anymore. How could I be when it was no longer the great unknown but 'been there done that'? I didn't want to leave Tou-san all alone. It would break him. But I might not have a choice, and I guessed that as long as I _tried_ to put up a fight, I would be content with that. It wasn't how I'd want to die, not by a long shot – but people rarely got the luxury of choice in this.

I made a gurgling moan when the stomach pain increased viciously, and curled in on myself. The ceiling seemed to descend toward me even as it got darker, I hysterically wondered if I was going to get crushed before the entire room went black and white noise was all I could hear.

* * *

I didn't know how long I was cocooned in the blackness with the white noise as my only company, but eventually I managed to open my eyes again. Clearly it was longer than I'd thought, because I immediately knew that I was no longer in Nagao's office.

The unmistakable scent of medical, mixed with Shion, blood and tears was the first thing I noticed. The second thing was the arm around me. The third thing was the familiar body wrapped around mine. Fingers carded through my hair and I flinched at the unexpected sensation.

"You awake, Sweet thing?" She tiredly husked into my ear, her lips close enough to brush against me.

I cautiously sat up, assessing my state and concluding that while I still felt like shit, it was the normal kind of feeling like shit. When I looked at Shion, I immediately noticed the black bruises and open wounds she was covered in.

"Why aren't you healed?"

She reached across and held my hand in a cool grasp, "The worst has been healed already. I wanted them to focus on you. You had a stomach ulcer, Sweet thing. It's been treated, and you don't have to take the medication anymore, so you won't get another one. You're okay now." He hand gently stroked my face as she spoke, tucking me closer.

I gave a non-committal hum in reply. I was far from okay, but there was no use mentioning that.

"Is there anyone else in here?" I softly questioned, my eyes closing again.

"No. We'll get a few hours to rest."

"Why did you let yourself take the blame?" My words were blunt, but I didn't have it in me to be diplomatic just then. It was better than what I wanted to ask – demand, really. Better than confronting her on why she didn't even try to defend herself when she had the means to do so tucked in her hair all the fucking time.

I already knew the answer anyway. It was just the angry, bitter voice in the back of my head that didn't give a shit about the psychology of why people stayed with those who hurt them.

"It's my job to look after and protect my children. I do it for the others, Sweet thing, so of course I'd do it for you."

I slowly began to drift back off, my words slurring slightly as I commented, "Some of them call you Kaa-chan, too. But others don't."

"I only ask the ones who are very special to me," her breath tickled my ear as she leaned in slightly to say this. I shuddered at her words just as much as the sensation, as they resonated wrongly in my tired mind. Before I had a chance to consider what she'd said, I slipped into proper sleep for the first time in days.

I had less than twenty four hours to contemplate what it meant to me that Shion had saved my life and in the process risked hers, afterward insinuating that this was far from the first time she had done so for the children.

I'd only had a few hours sleep before we were ousted from the medical room and, although it had apparently been enough for me to feel relatively clear headed, the events of the day before still had me feeling perturbed. I was not in top form when Ike, Miyako, Chou, Kenta and Hiroshi had me repeating all of the medical tests I'd been forced through during the first three days of my stint as an experiment.

Compared to then, I had little energy and coordination so it was hardly difficult to vastly downplay my skills. The major snag came when Hiroshi was busy checking my throat for damage due to the frequent vomiting I had been doing lately, when he shined a light into my mouth.

"What is that?" His quizzical expression somehow becoming even more so. He leaned in even further with a frown and tipped my head further back.

"What is it?" Chou asked, sounding a curious and concerned.

"Stick your tongue out," he told me. I did so, it only just occurring to me what they might be looking at as Chou and Ike leaned closer, peering into my open mouth.

"Is that… a seal?" Ike sounded shocked, which reflected on all their expressions.

"Looks like it," Hiroshi confirmed, "I can't begin to guess what it's doing, though."

"No one here has the knowledge to figure out what it does. I know a little about deconstructing them but that's about it," Miyako stated from behind them.

"You don't think… she's one of _his_ do you?" Chou questioned, suddenly sounding anxious.

My jaw was released and everyone suddenly took a step back from me, as though that would erase all the time they'd already spent fucking with my biology.

There was a pause as they all looked with varying degrees of trepidation at me, before Hiroshi spoke up, "Who gave you that seal?"

I merely shook my head, not entirely certain how much the seal would allow me to give away regarding its creation and purpose, but unwilling to test it for these people.

"She probably can't reveal much about it to us," Hiroshi commented.

"She doesn't act anything like the other emotionless tools," Ike dubiously observed.

[They seem to have familiarity with Root. They know that Root members interacting with non-Root are given a seal. Suggests more than a passing familiarity with the inner workings]

"Maybe she was a new recruit," Chou rebutted, though she also sounded doubtful.

"I don't think so," Hiroshi tilted his head contemplatively at me, "He was involved in getting her here after all. If she was one of his, he would have just sent her."

My thoughts screeched to a halt and I spent a precious few seconds keeping it from my expression.

[Danzo helped in the kidnapping. Danzo has some sort of relationship with this facility]

"How do we know for certain, though?" Miyako added.

Hiroshi shrugged, "We can't. We'll just have to trust that she isn't one of his, and attempt to deconstruct the seal to see what it does."

I visibly jolted at that, garnering their attention once more.

"I'll die," I hurriedly told them.

"Come again?" Hiroshi raised his non-existent brows.

"If you undo it, it will kill me," I imparted as much seriousness as I could into my words – for once completely abandoning my semi-childish character, even if just for a short while – in my desire not to die at the hands of overcurious pricks messing with something they didn't understand.

"How do you know?" Ike challenged.

"I was told." I could see the doubt mixed with wariness in all of them, as they exchanged glances.

"It could have been a lie to discourage anyone from attempting to deconstruct it," Miyako offered Hiroshi, who listened while he looked at me thoughtfully.

"Hmm, I'd suggest proceeding forward. But carefully. If at any point it appears there could be a risk to her health, we stop."

I grit my teeth at the stupid bastards disregarding my words and risking my life in the process, but admitted to myself that there was nothing I could do.

God, if I died because of these morons, I was taking at least one of them with me.

With their decision made, they continued with the thorough examinations and I had little choice but to push my anger down and cooperate. I had become mostly resigned to the fact that no one here really gave much of a shit about my wellbeing – Shion being the most concerned, and even she spent a good portion of her time forcing her revolting affection onto me and toting me from one sociopathic arsehole to another to do as they saw fit with me.

* * *

The tests exhausted me far more than they'd done the first time, and once more I was unable to sleep at night. On the third night, facing potential death the next day, I found myself unable to wind down at all.

I fidgeted well into the night, keeping Shion awake until she sighed and held me close, "What can I do to help you sleep, Sweet thing?"

"Distract me," I immediately replied, a hint of desperation showing through.

"Hmm, how about a story?" She suggested sleepily.

"Please," I replied, always interested if rarely approving of the kind of stories Kuchisake told.

She painted the melancholy tale of how her husband received an injury that he never fully recovered from shortly after the end of the civil war ended in Rain, and spiralled into depression when he had to retire. I learned how she worked double time to make ends meet once their daughter was born, while he stayed at home to look after their daughter despite them initially planning for the roles to be reversed. This started festering resentment between them, quiet arguments in the night, long cold silences and an increasingly tighter budget.

With Shion busy working all the hours she could, the gangs took over the area and began to demand regular payment from those in their territory in order to protect them from other gangs. Her husband, unable to defend himself and unable to afford the needs of both himself and his daughter, approached the local gang for a loan.

One loan turned into two and then three, turned into gambling in order to try to pay back the owed money and accumulated into a debt they had no chance of getting out of. Shion, frighteningly aware of what happened to those who found themselves unable to pay back the gang's loans, found the leader before his men could kill her husband, her child and herself.

I was riveted by the story, listening to her tell of the man agreeing to meet with Shion and so she stood in front of him and she pleaded their case – only to find him unmoved by her sentimental reasoning, unmoved by promises of her working for as long as she had to in order to pay him back, unmoved by her begging to save her child at least if he was determined to end it with violence.

When she asked him why he had agreed to meet with her if he was set on killing her and her family, he replied _I can be persuaded, but you have yet to offer anything I want_. So she asked him what he wanted from her and he beckoned her closer. She hesitantly followed his instructions and stepped toward him until she bent down to hear him quietly state that he wished to have her in his bed.

Faced with the death of her husband and daughter if she said no, she complied. He agreed to allow her another year to pay him back, if she slept with him whenever he called for her. So she worked double time while she sold her body for the lives of her little girl and her bitter husband.

Kuchisake's story drifted off as she fell asleep, mournful regret and deep hateful resentment slowly petering to a stop. I lay awake all night, mulling over what she'd told me and adding it to the knowledge that her daughter and husband had died a year or two after that in some sort of tragedy that had destroyed her.

* * *

I spent the next week having my tongue poked and prodded and my seal slowly undone bit by bit as I waited for the moment they would go too far and kill me. I hated that I just sat there and did nothing while they risked my life over and over again, but I had hope that Tou-san and Tenzo's work would prove too complex for them. After all, it was based upon the Root seal in its difficulty to undo, and that had taken Tou-san months to figure out how to get rid of it – after years of familiarity with it and with a far more advanced understanding of fuuinjutsu.

Eventually my hopes were realised, and Hiroshi claimed the seal was too complex for any but a master in the art to undo. It was with relief that my life and secrets were confirmed to be safe – as safe as they could ever be while I was stuck here. However, my relief was relatively short lived when I found myself faced with the 'next stage' of whatever they were doing to me.

When Kuchisake dropped me off at medical and left again, everything seemed to be as normal. But then nothing happened and I realised everyone was waiting for something. That something turned out to be Kuchisake returning with two children I recognised.

The door opened, and holding her hands were Scarred'n'Scowly – bitch face firmly in place - and Little Heart Wrencher, still twiddling her ragged ribbon between her fingers.

"Here we are, beauties, be good, no attitude and no disobedience from either of you," She cheerfully proclaimed, helping both children up onto separate chairs, though I could see the falseness of her cheer and the reluctance in her posture.

Ike looked at the silent, curly haired girl entranced with her ribbon and wrinkled her nose, "What's that disgusting thing in her hands? Get rid of it."

For the first time, the generally solemn faced Little Heart Wrencher showed full awareness of what was going on around her and snapped her gaze to Ike, her eyes filling with betrayed tears rapidly.

"If you want a screaming tantrum throwing child crying until she makes herself sick, be my guest," Shion replied shortly, "She never goes anywhere without the ribbon in her hand. It's harmless and it won't get in the way of what you're doing, so there's no point in taking it."

Scarred'n'Scowly didn't make eye contact with anyone, but his body angled protectively toward Little Heart Wrencher.

"It's fine," Miyako dismissed Ike, "Leave it."

With a kiss to the lips of all three of us Shion left, though not without one last worried look backward at us.

One by one Chou hooked us up to various equipment that I was far too familiar with by now.

"Kenta, bring the bottles," Hiroshi requested, holding his hand out as Kenta handed him a bottle filled with an inky looking liquid and a sealed top. Chou entered my vision, three needles in her grasp.

"Excellent. Chou, take the left, Ike takes the right and I'll do the middle. Kenta, keep an eye on their chakra readings, Miyako, watch their vital signs, Mari, record their brain activity," As he spoke, Kenta handed a bottle each to Ike and Chou, while Chou gave a needle to Ike and Hiroshi. They each punctured the seal of their bottle with the needle and filled it with the unnatural looking black liquid.

I avoided the urge to squirm as Ike approached me, flicking the needle a few times and squeezing a tiny amount back out.

"Everyone ready? Good. Three, two, one."

The needle entered my skin, and I counted another scar to add to the collection. As ominous black liquid entered all three of us slowly, I could have sworn I could feel a chill spread through my veins.

We were all kept for observation for another hour, before Shion arrived get us all, and as I left with the knowledge that we would all be back the next day to do the same, I couldn't help but fear what these chemicals they were putting in my body would do in the long term.

* * *

 _So Sonaru has finally been exposed to the children! How do you think that's going to affect her? Especially seeing the realities of them being experimented on._

 _Do you think they'll contact Danzō about Sonaru's sealed tongue and kick off a chain of events?_

 _Have your feelings changed at all now you have a little more insight into Shion's past? What about the fact that it's now established that she risks her life via Nagao's temper to prevent the kids from being beaten? Or do you feel that the new information doesn't alter how much you dislike her?_

 _Let me know!_


	54. Chapter 54

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

So maybe I should have put this at the start of chap 51, but that AN was already so long that I just wanted to move on.

I've realised for those who haven't had a look at this story for months, that the OCs May confuse you. Here's a quick run down for the OCs with Sonaru (when the first Kakashi POV gets put out, I'll do an AN giving a summary reminder for what's happened to him since Sonaru's kidnapping).

 **Kuchisake Shion** : Grey-white eyed, just past shoulder length black hair, pale skinned, scarred mouth (think Heath Ledger's Joker), likes eating boiled sweets and licks her hands all the time to get rid of the sugar, calls Sonaru 'Sweet thing'. Known as the Ame-Onna in the bingo book, from Ame. Obsessed with children due to the death of her own 'Little Raindrop', in love with Nagao and sleeping with him, as well as many other men in the facility. In charge of the children in the facility. Deeply dislikes Ike, and has an almost mean girls style relationship with the five women in the medical team presiding over Sonaru. In her early to mid thirties.

 **Nagao** (-taichou): Head of the facility, very neat short back and sides black hair, wears a shirt and neat trousers all the time, light blue eyes, scar cutting into his top lip. Impeccably put together, prone to violent outbursts (especially toward Shion), is somewhat obsessed with Shion - gifting her hairpins that double as weapons and allowing her to be the only person to carry weapons in the facility. Cold demeanour, likes power plays and intimidation. Sees Sona as special. In his mid to late thirties.

 **Miyako** \- Graying hair with maroon streaks, dark skinned, dark eyes. In her mid to late forties. In charge of the medical team presiding over Sona.

 **Chou** \- Small and slender looking, with wide hazel eyes and a cute strawberry-blonde bob. A demeanour that generally matches her looks, but underneath is petty and vindictive. Occasionally can get along with Shion on a surface level, and is the member of the group Shion likes the most and wants to be liked by.

 **Ike** \- Verbally cruel and uncaring for others. Likes power plays. Is very snide and bitchy around Shion. Short tempered and argumentative.

 **Mari** \- Minor member of the medical team

 **Unnamed** fifth member (I couldn't be bothered okay): Described as 'short blue hair cut in an asymmetrical style asked me. She had a round face with a nose that jutted out prominently from it, and an entirely unemotional look in her eyes regardless of whatever tone her voice affected.'

 **Kenta** : Teenage medical assistant to Hiroshi, grey toned skin, dull yellow eyes, spiky light blonde has a huge crush on Shion. Was seduced by Shion into forging Sonaru's chakra medical results.

 **Hiroshi** : Head of medical, short and thin, no eyebrows, thin black hair, quizzical resting expression. Generally very calm and mildly spoken.

 **Scarred'n'Scowly** : Young five year old boy, burn scar on the right of his forehead, dirty blonde hair, dark green eyes, natural resting bitch face. Generally unsociable and slightly rude, but willing to answer questions, silently protective over the two year old girl he is often seen with. Is one of the 'medical kids' who are in the facility for human experimentation.

 **Little Heart Wrencher** : Brown hair, two years old, single dimple on her cheek, doesn't speak, often appears lost in her own internal world, very attached to the dirty frayed ribbon she always has hold of. Has more scars from injections than any other kid.

No beta, barely any proof reading and no editing. be warned.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 53 - Pump Mud Through My Veins**

Whatever they were injecting into my body every day was definitely not supposed to be there.

Extensive and careful testing with Genma, Tou-san and myself had proven that poisons above a certain strength and toxicity were immediately rejected from my body. Substances that were still harmful, but only in certain amounts were simply rapidly flushed from my body once they got close to that amount. From there it was a little hit and miss with what my body's natural defences responded to – if it was something I swallowed and digested or inhaled, it depended on how and to what extent the chemical worked to affect my body, but if it was something injected straight into me there was a high chance that my body would work it out of my system at a fairly rapid rate.

Scarred'n'Scowly, Little Heart Wrencher and I were given an injection every morning after all of our vitals were tested, and then we were held for an hour during which we were monitored carefully. Apparently whatever they were injecting into me was getting drained from my system too quickly, requiring me to have an injection in the morning and another in the early evening.

The main issue with that was Shion's schedule. She didn't have time to drop me off and pick me up twice everyday, and only a small handful of people had access to our room to do it for her.

"She's been here long enough, let her join the JCB," Hiroshi suggested firmly.

"That's for the military children," Shion argued, looking incredibly opposed to the idea.

"Her physical results aren't that far off the youngest who join, there's no harm in her doing so," he refuted calmly.

"She's too young."

"There's no official minimum age, and she's mature enough to handle herself."

"Her side effects regularly have her immobile or ill and no one will be there to help her."

"Those side effects are mostly over now, and will be completely in a few days."

"She doesn't know her way around the facility," Shion sounded a little desperate and weak and I wondered what the big deal was.

"Neither do any of the others when they join. That's a weak argument and you know it. Now, if you have a legitimate reason why the child can't be in the JCB…?"

I mentally crossed my fingers that this was what it sounded like; alone time in this hellhole without being stuck in one room.

For a moment Kuchisake looked at me, and somehow I knew she was thinking of bringing up the two escape attempts I had made – one vastly closer to success than the other – but that would require her to openly admit that I had made them in the first place. As I thought she would, she let the moment slide without saying anything and admitted defeat.

"Fine, but not until the side effects have passed entirely."

Hiroshi tilted his head in agreement, "Very well. That should take another three to four days, during which she'll have to stay in this room for the time it takes you to arrive."

Shion pursed her lips, "She'll have someone supervising her?"

"I'm sure Kenta will be able to."

She frowned unhappily but nodded in agreement nonetheless. I didn't really care about the three day wait, too busy trying to tame my hope at finding my way back to an unlocked exit during my soon-to-be time alone in the general facility.

* * *

The next day already started off on a positive when I was deemed in control enough to no longer wear cloth tortures. The emotional prickle behind my eyes as my tears welled was the only giveaway to just how much having to wear them again had affected me, as I watched Kuchisake leave with the pack to put it back into storage.

Everyday since coming off the pills I was feeling more clear headed and energised. I could think straight for the first time in weeks, and for once I didn't feel like the various cells and organs in my body were trying to reject being held within the same form as each other.

I stretched in the training room beside Scarred'n'Scowly after our morning injections, Little Heart Wrencher twisting her mangy ribbon between her fingers on the other side and staring off into space.

As casually as possible, I asked, "What's the JCB?"

He looked at me, disgruntled, "It's the Junia Chian butai. I told you the shinobi here grumble about and bad mouth the medical staff here a lot, and the medical staff say the same about the shinobi."

"Yes," I confirmed slowly.

"The others who are well behaved and skilled at the shinobi arts get put in the Junia chian butai once they get to around six. The ones who are allowed to join get later curfews, and they can walk around pretty much wherever they want, and they get more sweet things, and books and comics and things that actually belong to them, and they can have whatever hair cut they want, and the older ones get to go outside the facility for training years before the normal shinobi kids. The adults take what they say seriously, and listen to them."

He sounded deeply jealous and bitter, and I immediately crossed out the idea of telling him that I was joining.

"What do they do to earn this?" I asked, skeptical that this was just something offered in reward for a kid doing well in training.

"They each have a medical staff member that they report to, and they tell them if they saw anyone doing anything suspicious or breaking the rules. That's why they're allowed to wander around the facility – they have to keep an eye out for rule breakers and possible traitors," He shrugged roughly, a deeper scowl than usual marring his face.

"They report on even the adults?" Mild disbelief coloured my tone.

"Especially the adults. If another kid breaks the rules, they have to report it but medical doesn't really care because Kaa-chan takes care of their punishment. If they see an adult doing something suspicious, though, they have to go straight to their supervisor or to Nagao-taichou or Hiroshi-san or Kaa-chan and then report it. A lot of the shinobi are kind of scared of them, actually."

That… sounded pretty damn familiar. I'd essentially joined the Hitler Youth. I guess… when in Rome? It wasn't like I had an issue with screwing over a single adult in this place. I'd certainly feel strong emotional conflict if I had to do so with Shion, but not enough to stop me from doing it anyways.

* * *

That evening, I waited with a comic provided to me as Kenta filled out reports and various paperwork on the other side of the room, ignoring me for the most part. He, predictably, perked right up when Kuchisake came to pick me up that evening, and flushed a brilliant red that matched his painfully dopy grin, while they flirted heavily with each other. It was disheartening to watch as a few transparent innuendos were enough to have him twisted around her little finger.

I expected the next day to be more of the same, with injections in the morning with the other two – though this time Little Heart Wrencher was clearly not in a tolerant mood and whimpered quietly the moment the needle entered her eyesight, and although she was as docile as ever while they injected the inky black liquid into her, the whimpers devolved into quiet but high pitched cries. I swallowed around the sorrow and anger and averted my eyes shamefully.

My expectations were met until the evening injection came; about half an hour after everyone but Kenta left to see to their other duties, I heard a frustrated sound coming from him alongside a harsh scribbling. Looking up, I watched as he threw his pen down and began rummaging through the drawers around him, clearly not finding what he was searching for.

Finally, with a groan, he turned his piss-yellow eyes toward me, "I have to go and get another pen. Don't move, and don't touch anything."

His attempt to sound authoritative fell flat, but I nodded regardless and he was clearly appeased, since he swiftly left.

It took me less than five seconds to realise that he had left my file in the room alone with me. I'd noticed by now that records and files were not kept in the room I was taken to everyday. Kenta or Hiroshi were usually responsible for taking it with them when they left and storing it wherever it was supposed to go.

[Breathe]

It took me less than three seconds to jump on the opportunity handed to me. There wasn't any guarantee that there was anything in the files I didn't already know, but the risk being caught snooping was worth it to me.

Jumping off the seat and racing over to the desk, I kept my ears pealed for Kenta's return – having no real clue how far he needed to travel to find a pen.

Without wasting any time, I flipped the first page open. The file on me was thick, and there was no chance that I'd be able to properly read it all before he returned. I didn't need to though, thanks to my ability to recall things with perfect clarity. I quickly scanned my eyes over each page, top to bottom, taking no time to try to understand the information included.

I was two thirds through when the door handle pulled down.

[No time to return to the seat and assume a natural position]

Quickly shutting the file, I pushed myself with force away from the desk, flipping in midair and landing painfully against the edge of the chair. It toppled over with a loud clatter and sent me sprawling next to it with a mild groan.

The door burst opened and Kenta shot inside, alarm written all over his grey-toned face. His eyes landed on me, quickly taking in the chair on its side, and the comic sticking out from underneath me.

"What happened?" He snapped, bewildered.

"I fell over," I pouted, an embarrassed blush rising to my cheeks.

He sighed, irritation clouding his expression as he came over to right the chair and roughly place me back on it, "Sit still, stop fidgeting, and behave."

I nodded, ducking my head just in case any relief touched my features that I had gotten away with it.

The comic was ruined, so I had no choice but to sit there in silence while Kenta continued with whatever he was writing. That was fine, though, I was far too occupied with slowly going back over what I had read in order to try to comprehend the information properly.

Not surprisingly, a lot of it was terminology that I'd never heard of, chemicals that I didn't know and phrasing that held context I was entirely missing. There were a few key things that I picked up on though; the pills I'd been made to take were designed to suppress my Kekkei Genkai's natural inclination to completely filter substances from my blood that didn't help toward the normal functions, and a variety of other things that boiled down to prepping my body for the injections so that my system accepted them without killing me.

Additionally, through reading between the lines it became clear that whoever Nagao was subordinate to was not overly invested in me as an experiment. I was Nagao's pet project in an attempt to prove himself to his leader, and to prove that the ultimate goal of the project was worth greater funding and attention.

I was here to show that a body was capable of holding two active Kekkei Genkai at the same time, without evolving into one Kekkei Genkai unrecognisable from the original two, without one coming out as the dominant gene and suppressing the other, and without the body being destroyed by two co-existing Kekkei Genkai.

Ultimately though, what horrified me in a dull defeated way that sat at the bottom of my stomach like lead was the discovery that if I stopped having injections, the long term effects of the pills would destroy my digestive system and cause irreversible damage to my chakra coils. I was stuck here until at least the last injection.

I had no idea how long they believed this was going to take, and what measures they intended to go to, as well as what they planned to do to me afterward regardless of whether I was perceived as a success or a failure.

The information and questions and what ifs kept me caught up in my thoughts for hours and hours, through Shion picking me up, and dinner I absently picked at, and a bath I barely paid attention to and touches and caresses and kisses I pointedly ignored. I lay awake all night running what I'd read back and forth, picking through it and rearranging the pieces into something I futilely hoped would reveal more.

* * *

The last day before officially joining the JCB was interesting, in that I got a glimpse of what the shinobi trained kids were being told; the slant that they were being taught to view their world through.

JCB was talked of to me as though I was being granted the ultimate privilege, that it was a duty and a responsibility that I had to prove myself worthy of, that I was being given a taste of the power someone could gain full access to if they were hard working enough, skilled enough, loyal enough, smart enough. I was being simultaneously shoved toward patriotism and blind obedience, as well as suspicion toward fellow comrades and the acceptability of cruelty in retaliation to failure.

I was given a route to patrol covering a relatively large area of the compound, encouraged to change up how fast I walked the route to prevent predictability and discourage people tempted to sneak around the JCB patrols. Specific doors were marked on a simplified map of my route, and I was told to perform random checks and inquire shinobi that I came across to open the marked doors – if they were unable to or refused (implying that whatever allowed the adults who belonged in the facility to open doors did not apply to them) I was told to immediately report them to the Nagao or Hiroshi.

Anyone carrying weaponry or shinobi tools was to be reported, anyone carrying or wearing a symbol affiliated with a specific country, hidden village or clan was to be reported, anyone criticising, insulting or speaking in a negative manner about a superior or the facility as a whole was to be reported, I was allowed to demand the name and number of any shinobi I came across and was obliged to hand these into my supervisor at the end of the patrol alongside a physical description of them. Any out of place activity that I observed was to be reported, as well as any children breaking rules.

The rules for the children included dress code, hair cut, speed, noise level, company they were allowed to keep, topics they could talk about, chakra use outside of training rooms, objects they could have on them and the physical contact they could partake in.

Just being informed of it all had me overwhelmed by how much individuality being favoured by Kuchisake had allowed me compared to these kids. I already knew I was very unlikely to inform anyone of kids misbehaving in this place, knowing how they were treated I wouldn't be able to make myself report on a little bit of rebellion they summed up the courage for.

I wasn't looking to gain anyone's trust or favour, above what I had already achieved with Shion, by diligently passing along every little potential disobedience committed by the facility residents. I just wanted some time to goddamned self for once, without the constant pressure of being watched. Thankfully, this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

After a couple rounds accompanied by a stoic ten year old girl who ensured I had the route accurately memorised, I was left to myself the next evening. I was mildly disgruntled that security was a little better than I'd thought it was in the labyrinth of corridors, due to various JCB members having patrols that crossed over each other. In order to ensure a child was a legitimate JCB there was a phrase given in hand signs (that appeared to be based upon a variety of Hidden villages'). Not only that, but each kid had a different phrase, which their supervisor gave them, and became their 'signature' – at the end of patrol, everyone was expected to report which phrases they came across, where they were when it happened and how many times.

If a JCB was somewhere they weren't supposed to be, their supervisor would know by a phrase popping up in an unexpected area. If there was someone passing themselves off as JCB, the phrase would be copied from someone else and clearly wouldn't belong to them, or else it would be entirely wrong. The system wasn't infallible – far from it, but I didn't know enough about the other JCB's skills to be sure that I could trick them with a henge and wander wherever I wanted.

On top of that, my ability to wield and control my chakra had been annoyingly difficult while I was on pills and control had only become more elusive with each injection. I wasn't willing to risk my life as I knew it (my life back home, with Tou-san, because this wasn't living) on an ill thought out escape attempt that had no guarantee of success and every chance of ending with a locked exit and a far more severe punishment than being locked in a pitch black metal chest.

For the time being, I comforted myself with the knowledge that having some mental space – as much as I could while being held against my will – was more than I'd had for weeks.

* * *

It felt like I woke up one day and realised my veins were a frighteningly dark colour leading from the inside of my elbow to the inner wrist of the arm the injections were given to. Despite the panicked expression on my face, Kuchisake was quick to assure me it was to be expected and there was nothing to worry about. The greyish blue that they had turned had happened slowly, I knew, but the day by day difference had slapped me in the face suddenly.

When I checked, I could see that Scarred'n'Scowly and Little Heart Wrencher both had darkening veins – Little Heart Wrencher was a fair few shades paler than either of us and her darker veins stood out disturbingly against her skin.

After that I couldn't not notice it. Every day the veins in the arm became a little darker and I watched with crawling skin as it spread from the inside of my forearm to my palm, and then crept insidiously along my upper arm. It felt like the black ink was replacing my blood entirely, rushing through the veins and arteries of that arm, too watery and thin. It looked like I had been poisoned and it was slowly approaching my heart to kill me.

At times Kuchisake seemed just as disturbed as I was, her touches becoming lighter and more hesitant. As the dark colour spread along my arm she seemed to become more and more erratic. She began to snap on occasion, making me repeat how much I loved her over and over again all the while insisting that I needed to say it until she really felt the emotion in my voice and saw it in my eyes. Even during times I managed to temporarily shove my fear to the side, she insisted on comforting me and insisting I'd be fine, almost manic in the repetition.

* * *

Even though I wasn't having an easy time, I could see that Scarred'n'Scowly and Little Heart Wrencher were having a worse experience. Whatever the injections were doing to me, they were doing something altogether different to the other two. The two were rapidly losing weight, losing pigment in their skin, their energy low. It was a bit like what I'd looked like while on the pills, but with the added darkening veins gradually overtaking their limb. One day Little Heart Wrencher's hair began to fall out in chunks and I cried at the blank expression on her face that still conveyed so much pain and confusion.

Scarred'n'Scowley's hair began to fall out shortly after that, though they cut his hair off completely before it had a chance to part with him chunk by chunk.

I couldn't bear the way they looked together after that; too solemn, too thin, too pale, dull eyed, too still, blackening blood, sitting on the training room floor together without a word as she trailed her little ribbon around and he half heartedly scowled at the ground. So I stood up, motivated by sheer desperation to see at least one of them look like they were more than a day from death.

"I think it's time I showed you how awesome I am!" I stood in front of them, hands on my hips, moving and speaking in an exaggerated manner. I was mostly making it up on the spot, behaving somewhat outside of my comfort zone, but I had their – baffled and vaguely irritated looking – attention.

"What?" He wrinkled his nose in faint disgust at me. She stared solemnly at me, a slight tilt to her head.

"You're about to see the most amazing show you've ever seen in your whole life!" I declared enthusiastically, uncomfortably aware that I was attracting eyes from those around me training.

With that, I proceeded to practice a few of the more difficult athletic and flexibility routines Gai had designed for me, singing half remembered songs from the handful of Japanese albums I'd heard in my original world and making up the rest.

I was surprised by my own voice – clearly untrained and a little wobbly from the combined exercise and singing, but with a pleasant clarity and purity to it. In my last life, my singing had been completely average verging onto bad, and I'd not even thought to try without a sound track to prompt me in my new life.

My impromptu mess of a show certainly gathered attention from everyone around me, but since no one stopped me I ignored them. I was more focused on the awed expression on Little Heart Wrencher's face, her dimple adorable, and the begrudgingly impressed tint to Scarred'n'Scowly's smirk. Neither of them laughed or outright smiled at any point, but what I'd achieved was enough.

I finished with a bow, lightly panting, only to be startled by clapping behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see Kuchisake looking delighted at me as she clapped. After a few more lingering stares and side glances everyone nearby seemed to turn their focus back onto their work, and I came to the realisation that I'd been so intent on blocking them out that I'd missed Shion coming into the room at some point.

"Well done, Sweet thing! I knew you were flexible but I had no idea you were this good! That was very imaginative – and the songs! I don't know whether you heard them from somewhere or made them up but I've never heard anything like it. Were you putting on a performance for these beauties here?"

I shrugged awkwardly, some of Subaru coming through at being caught off guard while already out of my comfort zone, "Aa, they were looking like someone just told them Nattō for breakfast lunch and dinner from now on."

Shion laughed abruptly, looking surprised as she did so, and I swiftly clamped down on my words.

"Very funny. That's very generous of you, trying to cheer them up. I'm sure they're thankful," her grin turned a little too intense, crinkling her scars as she stared at me for a beat too long.

Her gaze shot past me and landed on the other two, "Come and say thank you and goodbye, you two."

Scarred'n'Scowly and I glanced toward each other, unsure what to make of this new demand. Nevertheless, he slowly stood up and helped Little Heart Wrencher onto her feet before they approached. We stood a few feet apart staring awkwardly for a few seconds until Kuchisake tutted.

"Come on, it's not that difficult. Give her a hug," She steered Little Heart Wrencher forward with a hand on her back until the little girl nearly face planted against my shoulder. I hesitantly raised my arms and loosely wrapped them around her – feeling weird at the reminder of how little difference in height there was between us. Her head came up to the bottom of my nose as she silently returned the hug – just as hesitant as me – and after a moment I gently rested my cheek against the top of her smooth and baby soft head. My heart clenched painfully and I closed my eyes against the hurt I felt. I just wanted to hold her until everything was okay. I wanted to be able to give her those seemingly magical hugs most parents could give that made everything seem okay again.

She stepped back at Shion's prompting, and my arms tingled with the loss. I resented her in that moment, for making me do that when there was a reason I didn't directly interact with the little girl if I could help it. I resented her just as much for ending it too soon.

When she steered Scarred'n'Scowly toward me for a hug there was an intent in her movement that had me on edge. When we met eyes I saw a similar awareness in his, but he merely made a vague grumbling noise and gave me a brief hug that would have smothered me against his shoulder if it hadn't been so short.

When he went to take a step back, her hand stopped him. She looked at both of us with a sort greedy curiosity, "It's only polite to kiss him goodbye, Sweet thing."

Her words sounded matter of fact, but there was an eagerness that betrayed her. My brain stalled for a moment at the request.

"Kiss him?" I repeated, more to let the reality of it sink in than to confirm I'd heard correctly.

"Yes. You have to kiss him like I kiss you," she insisted. I looked from her to him, taking in his sickly vulnerable appearance, his resigned grimace. He was just a child.

My breath stuttered in automatic revulsion at even the notion, and I leaned as far as I could away from him without taking a step back.

"I… uh, I don't…"

"Kiss him," her voice edged onto a demand.

I looked at his small, childish lips and craned my neck as far back as possible, my stomach churning.

My limbs were filled with tension as I saw him heave an annoyed sigh and roll his eyes. He leaned toward me and my head filled with panicked white noise. There were lines I was absolutely not willing to cross, and this was one of them.

At the last second I tilted my head around and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, looking desperately back at Shion in the hopes that would suffice.

She frowned at me, her scars twisting in displeasure, "No, Sweet thing. On the lips."

I stared at her for a moment, trying to think of how to get away with not doing this without pissing her off. My mind drew a blank and I realised it was probably impossible.

"No," I finally replied quietly.

Her expression darkened a little, "No?"

"I don't want to," I took a step back from him and refused to look at anyone but her.

"You have one chance to change your mind, and then you're in big trouble," she stated coldly.

I shivered a little at the pale eyes boring into me, but repeated without hesitation, "I don't want to."

"Right," she replied firmly, straightening up and grabbing my wrist, "I'm sorry this has to end on such a sour note, beauties, but this little one still struggles with obedience on occasion. We'll see you tomorrow." Fucking obedience. Kami I hated that word.

With that, she marched me out of the room at a brisk pace, her grasp too tight. I hurried to keep up, failing on occasion and having to be hoisted up by the arm to maintain my balance.

She ushered me into our room with a coldly furious silence and slammed the door shut behind us.

For uncomfortable seconds she just glared at me, before she let loose, "You do not get to do that! You don't get to say no to me when I tell you to do something. Do you have any idea how bad that makes me look when you stand there and defy me?! Do you? You humiliated and insulted yourself, you humiliated and insulted everyone in that room by making them witness that and ultimately you humiliated and insulted me. I'm the only one in this place that loves you, Sona. I'm the only one who wants the best for you and this is how you repay my efforts? Selfish! That's what you are. Selfish and Ungrateful. How dare you! I've raised you to know better than that-"

I zoned out, unwilling to listen to this litany of bullshit. It sounded like every other lecture I'd been given as teenager and I gave as much appreciation to them now as I did then – none at all.

I simply stood in silence and practiced the long mastered art of looking contrite and regretful while not paying attention, judging by the rise and fall of pitch and the moments of pausing for breath when the appropriate time to make some sort of sorrowful acknowledging noise.

Eventually she wound down, panting a little and a flush high on her cheeks. I absently pondered on how beautiful she looked while sounding like a complete dick.

"Your punishment will last until you need to go to medical today," she stated, pulling me toward the chest and unlocking the two padlocks on the front. I was picked up and placed inside, the lid shutting and light replaced with pitch black.

I remained silent as Shion puttered around the room for a few minutes before the door open and closed, footsteps signaling her exit. I waited a few minutes more to ensure she wouldn't return before I blew out a breath and made myself as comfortable as I could in the cold metal chest. At least I had plenty of wiggle room compared to the last time.

Being locked in a box may have worked to upset and frighten the kids, but I wasn't claustrophobic and I'd spent a few particularly anxious and depressed years crawling into dark tight spaces around the house just to escape from reality and people and stimuli for as many hours as possible. This was nothing.

I was fairly bored after about half an hour and began to tap rhythms in the box, listening to it vibrate all around me, and began to sing songs in English with my newly discovered voice. I was just finishing 'Cruela De Vil' when I heard the door open. Well, speak of the De Vil.

She barely looked at me after the padlocks clanked the lid opened. I was simply lifted out of the chest, given the option to use the toilet and then hurried out of the room.

"Tomorrow I expect you to do as you're told," she simply said, giving me a brief kiss and leaving me to medical's tender mercies. The implication that she would ask me again tomorrow had me gritting my teeth and avoiding eye contact with everyone during the injection as I dealt with my anger.

Hiroshi stayed with me afterward, performing the regular tests on my chakra and blood and brain that they did. Once he was finished, glad to get an opportunity to stretch my legs after being stuck in a cramped space for hours, I slid off the chair without waiting to be helped off.

Whether it was a different chair than the one I usually sat in or it had been damaged since the day before I wasn't sure, but as I slid off the chair I felt a sharp edge of metal cut through my skin like a razor. A sharp hiss had Hiroshi looking over at me, his quizzical face looking even more quizzical and confused than usual.

"Is there a problem?" He asked calmly. I twisted my leg and leaned over to check the back of it, grimacing in dismay at the blood that beaded up in a two inch gash and dripped steadily down my leg.

"I cut myself on the chair," I replied, plaintively.

"Let me take a look," he approached, guiding me to step away from the chair and bent down to check, making a humming noise at the blood dripping down my leg.

"Nothing dangerous, don't worry. Easy enough to heal up. Hold still for a moment," he frowned in concentration. A hand covered in translucent green fire entered my vision just before it touched my leg.

 _Oh shit._

And then I was connected to him. Mind to mind and humanity to humanity. I knew him. I acknowledged his existence and his history that lead to him to the man he was. I acknowledged his validity as a person. I saw deep into the heart of him and I understood that he was doing the best he knew how from his personal experience of the world. I didn't just know it. I understood. All there was to do in the face of such understanding was to accept him. Accept him wholeheartedly, for the human he was and love his perfect flawed humanity. And then share that love back, because why would I not?

Ascending higher and higher in that moment of sharing, and then floating gently… gently back down.

After a long moment, I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was my hand reaching back to grasp his shoulder. I knew in that moment that he'd experienced the same thing as me. The question was how he'd react.

I met his stare, boring into me with naked awe and joy. His hand slowly released my healed leg and he whispered, "What did you do?"

His hand began to shake as he sat back on the floor, staring around him as though to find physical proof something monumental had just happened. I wanted to tell him. Kami, I wanted to tell him everything. He'd looked at me for the first time like I was genuine human being rather than a sentient test subject. With the high of the connection still in the process of fading, I just wanted to share more of myself with him.

[If he really views you as a person, he will understand caution. Lie. If this lasts, tell the truth later. Remember the priorities 1. Functional physical body and mental faculties 2. Return to Tou-san 3. Personal pride and non-rigid moral boundaries]

"I-I don't know. I didn't do anything. You did your chakra thing and then…"

He was still looking at me in awe, but I thought I saw scientific curiosity enter just around the edges.

"I see… then repeat tests are needed, of course. Control the parameters, change some of the variables each time, use the equipment to measure the results…" he began to mutter, looking truly enthused for the first time since I'd seen him.

My heart sank at his words and I resisted the urge to hit him.

"I have JCB patrol," I softly interrupted, redirecting his attention.

"Hm? Oh, yes, you're right. Tomorrow, then," he waved me off, and then returned to muttering about hypotheses.

Tomorrow. Fuck.

* * *

I patrolled in angry silence, mentally chewing over the shit stain adults I was surrounded with and their beliefs that they had the right to just demand my morals and my spirit for their own amusement. The anger bubbled and built and frothed and surged the more I thought about it, until angry tears built in my eyes and I lashed out at the nearest door with a punch.

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when the door smacked open, hit the wall with a loud bang and then slammed shut again. Startled out of my anger, I checked either side of the corridor and then hesitantly approached the door. I reached out and tested the handle. Locked. With a huff I shook my head and continued walking – I didn't know what else I'd expected, it had probably been someone not closing the door properly.

I wasn't entirely sure why I kept testing the handle each time I completed a round. Partially as a check mark and partially out of boredom. There was a tiny part of me that was curious, though, to see if the door could be opened. It was a bit like pressing the refund coins button on vending machines; you could go years without any money being spit out by it, but that didn't prevent you from trying over and over again.

Right at the end of my patrol, I pulled the handle down and the door opened. Well, shit. The door lock was faulty. I took a quick glance inside – all I had time for – hoping for weapon storage, but was instead faced with a room full of files and about five computers.

I closed the door and made my way back to our room, knocking to be let in and considering any benefits of the lock being faulty to a room which served little purpose to me. It was a long shot, but maybe there was a chance that the error in the lock was something that happened to multiple doors – some leading to more useful rooms. Plus, it was filled with files- and files contained information. Something in there could be helpful to me in some way. I mentally snorted at myself, yeah that sounded promising.

* * *

Shion was gentle and softly spoken with me that evening, taking care to wash me and warm me up to her again. Speaking of fresh tomorrows, and forgiveness and unconditional love and family. When we lay down together, finding myself unable to sleep once again, Shion murmured lovingly in my ear, "Would you like a story to help you sleep?"

I nodded silently, physically relaxed and sinking into her embrace but mentally distant.

Kuchisake, likely picking up on my interest in her autobiographical stories, began where she'd left off before. She depicted her sexual relationship with the gang leader her family owed money to as one that began with mere physical attraction – from both sides – and developed into a twisted fondness filled with facades and the unspoken power difference. As the months went by he began to talk to her a little outside of their physical encounters, which evolved into meals and drinks and training together. He became something resembling obsessed with her, and she believed herself in love despite her wishes.

When the end of the year approached, she had only paid back a fraction of the debt and, terrified for her family's life, she once again threw herself at his mercy. He easily gained the promise from her that as long as she came whenever he called for her company, he would extend the debt repayment for another year.

She claimed that she knew then, from the way he held her as he said it, that he would extend the debt repayment each year for as long she needed it, in the hopes to make her stay with him long enough to choose to leave her husband for him.

Another year passed with them together and Kuchisake living a double life to pay her husband's debt back. She planned on once more asking for an extension, believing that due to the increase in infrastructure and order in Amegakure, more missions would be coming in soon - allowing her to pay back the remaining debt in the next year. Before she could do so, though, her husband caught on to her affair.

Having been suspicious for some time, he finally decided to hire someone to find out what she was doing when she wasn't on a mission or with family. They were far better than Shion at going undetected and she didn't catch them before they brought the news back to her husband.

She was quiet for a long moment after telling me this, and I found myself intrigued enough to ask, "What did he do?"

"I returned home that evening unaware that my husband knew. He seemed so… calm. Happy. He greeted me with warmth that had been missing from our marriage for years. He had cooked dinner for us – my favourite. I was moved by his thoughtfulness and kindness that evening, as we talked and I enjoyed his company like I hadn't done in a long time. I had hope, then, that the spark which had been missing might reignite. We drank tea together and discussed our daughter, connecting over our shared love for her. And then I began to slur my words. Before I understood what was happening, my fingers would do nothing but twitch and I lost balance. I fell to the floor, unable to move, and saw my husband staring down at me.

"He told me he knew what I had done. He was furious with me. He shouted for a long time, working himself up into a rage. He told me that women like me use our beauty to destroy men's lives, and then he told me that he would ruin me so that no one would find me beautiful anymore. He took a kunai and placed it into mouth, in the corner, and then he cut my mouth open. He did it slowly, so that it wasn't a smooth line, and then he did the same to the other side.

"I believe he would have done more, but at that point I began to have an allergic reaction to the tea, of all things. He had bought a new one I hadn't tried before, so that I wouldn't recognise the flavor of the tea as altered by the drug. Not truly wishing me dead, he took me to the hospital and claimed I'd been attacked.

"It took me a little while to recover, and while I was in the hospital the deadline of the debt repayment passed. I didn't know that I had been visited while in the hospital by the man I had fallen in love with, and true to my husband's words he did not find me beautiful anymore. He was angry that my husband had taken this from him, and so he used the debt repayment as an excuse for revenge.

"I returned to my husband to take my daughter from him and seek asylum with my Love, only to find my home covered with blood. My husband was in so many pieces that only his head was recognisable – carrying a tortured expression. My Little Raindrop had been stabbed in stomach and had bled out over days, locked inside the house, alone and surrounded by my husband's dismembered remains. For a long time after that, life was without meaning for me. I wished I had died with them. But now I have you, Sweet thing. I have family again."

There was a pointed pause after she said this, and I dutifully added, "I love you, Kaa-chan."

I felt her smile against my skin and she held me tighter, "I love you too. Sleep now."

I didn't sleep.

* * *

A new, hateful, pattern emerged. I watched with increasing horror as the veins in my arm blackened entirely, travelling slowly to my heart and then, once it had done so, outlining the journey of my blood through my body with dark unnatural ink. Far more gradually than the other two, my skin paled to an alarming degree, and although the other symptoms the two showed did not appear in me, I still grew to despise looking at myself in the mirror.

My lips grew to an ash grey and my tongue went a charcoal colour. My skin was grey, my veins and arteries black and my eyes were just-not-okay colour. I'd always had my difficulties wholeheartedly accepting this body as mine, and now more than ever it disgusted me.

Kuchisake and I found ourselves locked in a battle of wills each day, after I spent hours doing everything I could to cheer two increasingly sick kids up, with her determined to make me kiss Scarred'n'Scowly, and me refusing point blank every time. I grew incredibly familiar with the cold metal chest every day, for hours on end, while at night she grew even more clingy and needy for affirmation of our 'love' for each other. Sometimes I wondered if it was slowly turning me insane being locked in there so often or if that was just the facility getting to me in general. I wasted the hours away recounting the songs of my original world and getting lost in the memories they brought.

Every day, at first, Hiroshi forced a connection through medical chakra. He soon discovered that if he had his chakra enter my system, mimicking how someone traps another in a genjutsu but not actually forming a genjutsu, the same result occurred. It would make more sense if he had other people try to achieve the same thing with me, but for whatever reason he kept this all to himself.

To his dismay, the further the black spread in my blood the less my chakra could be directed to do anything, including forge the connection. It became an echo of what it once was and on the day I lost the ability to channel my chakra at all, we lost the ability to chakra connect.

My only reprieve was JCB and trying to figure out the pattern to when the faulty door would unlock or if it was random. I tried to just wait outside the door until it unlocked, in order to time it, but footsteps during each attempt revealed that it wasn't likely to work. Instead I had to time my route and then allow myself a few minutes waiting outside the door, changing the speed of the route until I figured the pattern of the door unlocking.

It took annoyingly long, but eventually I discovered that the door unlocked every twenty three minutes and then stayed open for four seconds before locking again. I only ever had time for a brief browse, discovering the files to be filled with personal and medical information of the facility residents. The only finding of any interest that came from that room was the discovery of the Kuchisake shinobi clan scroll from Amegakure. I never got a chance to look at the inside of it, though.

I arrived at medical the next evening to an argument – more like a mild disagreement – between Hiroshi and Miyako and it sounded like it was about me, though I wasn't paying much attention at first, too busy trying to figure out why Shion had been acting so weirdly over the past few days. She'd been stiff and worried and snappy one moment, and overly sappy and emotional and adoring the next, today on the other hand she just seemed pale and stressed.

"It is unprecedented! We have no idea whether this ability is connected to the Kekkei Genkai, and if it will be affected by the procedure. We can't risk the loss of the opportunity to know more about this ability to connect to other people on such an unbelievably intense level, we must delay stage three," Hiroshi's passionate voice caught my attention. I wasn't aware that we were moving onto the next stage of screwing around with my biology, but apparently Hiroshi was getting cold feet.

"Hiroshi-san, I have heard every argument from you over the last few days and it changes nothing. Regardless of your thoughts on it, Nagao-taichou has spoken on the matter. There can be no delays, and indulging in your borderline treasonous desires isn't something I'm willing to consider. My team will carry out Nagao-taichou's orders with or without you. If you have an issue with this, take it up with him."

Hiroshi stared disappointedly at Miyako for a long moment before he sighed and turned his head, "Kenta-kun, prepare the equipment."

With no idea what was going on, but wary of the full team present – all five women, Hiroshi and Kenta – I was ushered toward the back of the room by Shion and changed into a hospital gown. Everyone in the room was busy with something; washing their hands, checking equipment, taking notes, fetching medical instruments.

"What's going on, Kaa-chan?" Anxiety and nerves practically dripped from my voice, and I clung to Shion when she picked me up. I was carried to the hospital bed and directed to hold my scarred arm out for them to swipe with what I assumed was an antibacterial wipe, before they inserted an IV. The fluid in the bag was clear and I had no idea what it was going to do.

"Shh, it's okay Sweet thing. It's all going to be okay," Shion soothed, stroking my hair gently, "You're just going to go to sleep for a little bit, and then you'll wake up again. That's all that will happen." She leaned over to kiss me, her face tense with worry.

They were doing some sort of medical procedure on me unconscious. What was so invasive that they deemed it less hassle to knock me out? They hadn't particularly seemed to care for causing less pain and distress for me and the children before. My heart began to thump in my chest, and I was frighteningly aware that the increased rate was probably carrying whatever was in that bag through my blood stream faster.

"Move, Shion," Ike snippily demanded. She took a step back and revealed Ike holding what I assumed was laughing gas. I knew better than to expect any help if I asked for it, so I withheld my pleas for someone who gave a shit.

"Will I still be me when I wake up?" Was all I allowed myself. This was happening and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Of course, Sweet thing. You'll hardly notice a difference," Kuchisake's voice wobbled slightly. I wasn't sure whether she was lying or not, but I didn't have time to think about it because the mask was placed over my face.

I didn't breathe for long seconds, trying pointlessly to delay the inevitable.

"I can hold this here all day, brat," Ike sounded irritated. Eventually I gave in, taking a huge gulp of the gas.

Another deep breath of the gas.

One last breath.

* * *

 _BTW: Junia Chian butai means (I hope) Junior Security Forces_

 _We're getting to the last leg of Sonaru's time here in the facility! Part one of my huge chapter split into three different chapters will be posted after this._

 _What do you think Sonaru will wake up to?_

 _How much do you think will change because of the ninshu connection between Hiroshi and Sonaru?_

 _Just so you know, if I had it ready the chapter after this would be from Kakashi's POV and when I write it that is where I'll be slotting it._

* * *

 _For anyone who feels this triggers their own trauma and needs to talk to someone:_

 ** _UK_**

 _Samaritans number (24/7): 116123 -from any phone_

 _Or 0330 094 5717 -local charges apply_

 _Alternatively you can go to: h ttps:/ /www. nhs. uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ and find whichever helpline you feel most covers your needs. Obviously take out the spaces between the h and t, the two /, and after the two dots._

 ** _USA_**

 _NAMI number (Monday - Friday 10am - 6pm est): 18009506264_

 _Or NMIH number (Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5pm est): (866) 615-6464_

 _My readers are mainly from the US or UK, so I've included those - if you have a better number or just another one you think I should add, pm me or let me know in your review._

 _Also if you believe I should include a number from another country, let me know which country, organisation and what the number is and I'll add it._


	55. Chapter 55

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

Let's call this 'part one' of the end of Sonaru in the facility.

This wasn't supposed to be a chapter by itself so it's not written to be that engaging as a stand alone, sorry about that. (I apologise as though I write my other chapters to be engaging as a stand alone - hint: I don't. I'm far too easily sidetracked mid chapter)

Tbh, this story is so painfully obvious in that it's a first draft. If I ever have the time/inclination after I've finished it to clean it up, I'd be essentially writing it as a second draft and would clean up the grammar, punctuation, everything else, and also cut down the word count by at least half to make every line count so that every scene had maximum impact instead of dragging on.

But this is not that story, this is just my lowly first draft with rambling bits, and uber slow pacing and unnecessary details and careful(ish) seeds planted for plot points that won't ever come to fruition.

Now just imagine Kakashi is out there kicking ass and taking names but not quite yet knowing where Sonaru is, because that's what should have been here instead. Soz

(This is the most moral, compassionate, vulnerable, concerned, anxious part Sonaru's mental voice)

(this is also Sonaru's mental voice, angrier, selfish, impulsive, more politically incorrect, more nihilistic)

[This is the most logical Shinobi trained part of Sonaru's mental voice]

No beta, barely any proof reading and no editing. be warned.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 54 - Chased Away All The Sanity In Me**

As I slowly surfaced to consciousness, three things were immediately obvious to me; I ached all over, a familiar hand was holding mine, and my mouth was drier than it had ever been.

A quick assessment of my other senses once my brain had booted up told me I was in medical, with Shion the only one in the room. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting as light hit my eyes and made them water, blinking rapidly.

"Hey, Sweet thing. Don't speak just yet, take a sip of water first," She squeezed my hand, her voice flooded with relief. My vision remained concerningly blurry while I struggled to sit up.

"Here let me help you," She scooted my body until I was sitting against the headboard and placed a small glass of water against my lips, "take small sips, Sweet thing."

I sighed at the deliciously cool liquid wetting my bone dry mouth and throat, struggling not to tip the glass up and glug the whole thing down. As I drank, my eyes finally focused properly and I glanced at Shion, sitting by my side and looking at me with a creepy intensity that bordered on manic.

I finished the glass of water and sat back with a relieved sigh, absently wiping my mouth only to freeze at the sight of my hand and arm.

I lifted my other arm and stared at them, turning my hand round to see the same on the other side. A quick check to the rest of me confirmed my hopes; my blood was back to normal.

My skin was still a little pale but that probably had more to do with the fact that I hadn't seen the sun in months. The rest of me, though, had a light pinkish toned flush to it that it had had previously, with the veins back to their normal blueish green tinge.

"Your body flushed it all out during the procedure," Shion interrupted my ogling.

When I looked at her, the expression on her face was soft and pleased and fond, but there was still something wrong with the way she was looking at me.

"So no more black wee?" I checked – perhaps the only part of this entire thing that I hadn't minded was pitch black urine, which part of me had thought was kind of cool.

"No, no more black wee," she chuckled, reaching out to stroke my hair and run her fingers through it, which I belatedly realised felt a little odd.

With a confused frown, I ran my fingers through my own hair, "My hair is shorter than before… so is yours." It was a statement, but my voice held a question in it.

"Yes, we cut your hair while you were unconscious because I didn't think to do it before the procedure, and the length was a bit inconvenient. I cut my hair while I was at it."

I hid the grimace that wanted to make its way onto my face – I didn't really care about the length or style my hair, but I was a bit particular about other people deciding what it should look like. There wasn't anything I could do about it, so I just nodded.

"When can I leave?" I looked wistfully at the door – still as unopenable to me as ever.

"Hiroshi, Chou and Miyako will return soon, there will be a check up to ensure there aren't any issues that show up now you're awake and you should be free to go by this evening," she soothed, stroking my cheek and still staring at me intently.

"Okay," I closed my eyes and focused on ensuring my body was as relaxed as possible to minimise the deep ache. Kami, it felt a little like after a night of sex with a too-vigorous partner, except everywhere.

We made idle conversation while we waited, and then once the medical team returned I quietly followed their instructions and answered their questions about how I felt.

"The deep ache is to be expected, and should fade over the next week. Apart from that, there should be no other side effects so if the ache gets worse at any point or persists past a week make sure you let someone know," Hiroshi explained to me, when I mentioned the pain.

When they finally let us go and return to our room I couldn't help but release a thankful sigh. I felt unclean, although there was no evidence to show I hadn't been washed while I was unconscious, I felt the need to completely submerge myself in water.

"How long was I out for?" I asked, having put off the question out of deep fear that the answer would be something I couldn't abide.

"Long enough that I missed you, Sweet thing," Kuchisake replied, telling me nothing. My fear deepened at the vague answer and I prayed I hadn't been out for something like three weeks while they did fuck knows to me.

"How long, exactly, does that mean?" I hesitantly pushed.

We approached the door, and Shion blatantly ignored my question, "Lets have a nice warm bath and then an early night. You'll probably be a little tired until the ache goes away – maybe you'll get some decent rest at night, hey?"

I met her eyes and saw something was off. Maybe it was in the slightly stiff expression she wore, the second too long it took for her to blink or the odd stretch to her smile, but the warning bells in my head had me placidly nodding to her suggestion.

I remained cautiously quiet while she washed me and then sat us in the bath, silently watchful as her hands held me with less care than before - a possessive, almost abrasive, squeezing and stroking up and down limbs, down my front and back, through my hair. She stared unblinkingly at me, and I held myself perfectly still in the same manner prey did in the sights of a predator.

"Call me Kaa-chan, Sweet thing. I haven't heard that word from your lips in far too long," I didn't like the way she phrased that, or the hunger barely buried beneath her tone.

"Kaa-chan," I replied, staring past her shoulder to avoid meeting her gaze.

"Hmm," I could hear the smile in that noise and the greedy grasp tighten in response, "say 'Kaa-chan, I love you'."

Swallowing back a grimace, I dutifully repeated, "Kaa-chan, I love you."

She leaned forward over me suddenly, her forehead meeting mine as she grinned in satisfaction, "Yes."

A rough kiss was planted on my lips, "Say it again."

"Kaa-chan, I love you." Another kiss.

" _Say it again._ "

* * *

There was something wrong with Kuchisake. There had always been something wrong with the pale eyed woman, but I'd never seen her so consistently unstable before. Trapped in the room with her during the week of recovery, I kept a constant wary eye on her.

During the first morning, when she left the bathroom and saw that I'd put underwear on by myself, she threw a raging fit that worked itself up and up and up until I found myself locked in the metal chest with ringing ears. Less than ten minutes later the lid opened back up and she peered down at me with amused warmth, " _There_ you are, Sweet thing. Were you hiding?"

I was scooped out, mute in my confusion, and laid out on the bed. She held me tight to her for hours after that, and acted as though the morning had never happened.

* * *

Ike said something to her on the second day that had her returning in a screaming fury. I huddled in the corner wide eyed while she trashed the room and screeched at such a pitch that I couldn't understand a word of her rant.

She created a fortress out of blankets and pillows after she had tired herself out and hid us away inside it while she kissed me for far too long.

There were phrases she had me repeat back to her over and over again until I wanted to snap at the woman to fuck off. The constant sharp edge her demeanour carried prevented me from doing anything but what she asked of me.

She began to create absurd and far fetched plans for the future, ones that seemed to appear out of nowhere and held no basis in reality, as though they were near guaranteed. Out of fear for her reaction, I played along with her delusion and made no move to question just how she thought these fantasies could possibly come to fruition.

I dreaded her leaving even more than I was uncomfortable with her staying, though, considering each time she had duties to see to outside of the room it was more and more difficult to persuade her that I didn't need to be locked in the metal chest 'for my own safety'.

My skin prickled with a restless need to to get away from her as she descended into unstable psycho-dom, but within minutes of her leaving, the dreaded anticipation of her coming back had me pacing and jittery and wishing she'd return just so I could get the anticipation over and done with. Combined with the ever present ache deep within every limb and organ left me constantly anxious, a low but building panic that had no real outlet or direction.

* * *

On the fourth day, I finally got a break from her overbearing smothering and decreased sanity via a trip to medical for a post op check up. There was a weird, charged air between Hiroshi and Kuchisake when we arrived that caused few stilted words to be spoken between them. It was clear that he was dismissing her, and despite the sour expression puckering the scars of her mouth she stiffly left, her eyes lingering on me till the last second.

Things were awkward after she left and I shifted uncomfortably as Hiroshi flicked through my file and didn't look at me.

"Where's Kenta?" I grasped for something to say that would clear the air. Usually Kenta and Hiroshi were together when I visited medical, unless he was forcing the chakra connection on me. But I would be surprised if he did so while I was still recovering and in constant pain - a risk like that didn't seem like him.

I knew I'd made a mistake when his face contorted viciously for a moment before he got himself under control. There was anger and pain, regret and grief, contempt and sorrow.

"Kenta is no longer with us. He was found to have forged a set of medical results. The punishment was... very final," Hiroshi roughly replied. My mind went blank.

[Breathe]

(Poor guy. Lost his mentee for a pointless reason. Goddamn Shion, with her bankrupt sexual morals toward minors.)

(What did Hiroshi expect? He dedicated himself to this path in life, put himself into a situation where this was the modus operandi for mistakes made by kids. Did he think Kenta was ever getting a happy ending? No sympathy deserved.)

(Kami, Kenta didn't deserve this shitty ending. _This isn't right_. I HATE THIS PLACE)

(Survival of the fittest)

(Death by Snu Snu*. Fucking hell, what a way to go)

(Do I have some responsibility for Kenta's death? In a way, he was tricked into dying for me)

(It's not like I knew or gave a shit about him. He was about fifteen, basically an adult in this world, there were fifteen year old 'adults' in my old world, too)

(If I was pushed to, I could kill a fifteen year old)

(Does that make me a bad person?)

[Breathe]

(What does matter then?)

[Hiroshi is emotionally vulnerable right now, and with Shion losing her mental stability more and more, you need another adult on your side. Hiroshi and Shion have equal authority. A connection has already been formed with Hiroshi due to chakra bond. Now is the perfect time to cross his professional boundaries]

My chakra still wasn't functioning properly, I couldn't make another connection with him yet.

[Tears in your eyes, and physical affection. Deepen that connection from subconscious to conscious]

(Some people would say that manipulating his emotions during a vulnerable time for my own benefit isn't right)

(Some people can go fuck themselves)

I let the angered disgust at Kenta's end and my fear that I would also face such an ignoble death in this place build tears until they spilled over. A little hitch of my breath and my expression folded into a careful combination of sorrow and empathy with a dash of grief.

The discomfort at my tears which showed in Hiroshi's usual quizzical expression was softened by conditioned empathy to me, and for a brief flicker of a moment I wondered if there was something wrong with me that someone like him could feel more empathy for my false grief than I did for his real emotions when we had both been exposed to the same number of chakra enforced connections. It didn't really matter to me if there was, because currently it worked to my advantage.

"I'm so sorry, Hiroshi-san," I sniffled lightly, and took a step forward on my tip toes (I was at a rather unfortunate height otherwise) to wrap my arms around his waist. I felt him tense in surprise and long seconds passed while he hesitated, but eventually my action paid off as uncertain hands settled lightly on my shoulders.

"There's nothing tears will solve, child. Kenta knew better than to do such a thing and he faced the consequences of it," Hiroshi sounded gently weary, but accepting. I wanted to scoff. Sure, blame the pubescent boy for falling to the manipulation techniques of a practiced seductress at least twice his age.

"Perhaps it was for the best," he admitted, pained.

I looked up at him in surprise, anger burning in my stomach for his uncaring remark, "What do you mean?" I forced my tone to remain confused and mildly tearful and took a step back so that I could get a better look at his face.

He frowned thoughtfully, clearly picking his words with care before he said anything and I realised that perhaps the remark had more substance to it than I'd initially prescribed.

"Kenta was never given proper shinobi training... and we will soon be downsizing with military as the future focus."

There was a wealth of context and subtext that I was missing in order to understand why Hiroshi had come to the conclusion that death was the better alternative for Kenta, but I could tell that he wouldn't welcome any further questions.

"Oh," I simply replied, the lack of understanding evident in my voice and expression.

He smiled blandly at me and his eyes cleared as he focussed back on the present, "Now, go and sit down while I take some readings."

The next ten minutes passed in the familiar almost-silence of Hiroshi muttering to himself incomprehensibly as he increased his far-greater-than-anyone-else-alive understanding of my biology.

As he sat quietly, taking notes and humming thoughtfully over whatever he was seeing while I fidgeted - hoping for once that this would take a while so that I could delay seeing Shion for as long as possible. Eventually he looked up at me fidgeting with a thoughtful frown.

"How is the pain since you woke?"

I grimaced mildly and shrugged, "Not too bad. It's getting better every day but I still ache."

He nodded in confirmation, "Your chakra coils will take the longest to recover fully, but inform me if the pain continues by the next time you're brought here."

I raised a worried eyebrow, "My... my chakra coils?" It was perhaps a little too revealing for me, 'a civilian', to be worried about my chakra coils but I just couldn't muster up the caution around Hiroshi that I had forged around everyone else. There was always a lingering sense of connection and understanding between us.

There was something knowing in his expression when he regarded me, and my belly tightened at what that expression might imply.

"Yes, this first procedure primarily affected your chakra," he informed me, and while I was aware he was under no obligation to tell me any of this - which meant the fact that he was doing so was significant - I couldn't help but feel a level of panic at the thought of something which had become a familiar, reliable thing to me being fucked with and potentially becoming unusable.

"Affected how?" I tentatively asked, dreading the answer.

Hiroshi gave me a mildly amused look, "Well, increased efficiency and ease of use initially. Whether we'll have the opportunity to observe the long term effects is unknown thanks to Downsizing."

This time I heard the capital letter to the word that made me realise downsizing was a whole... thing that was happening and not just something to ignore. Before I could say anything, though, Hiroshi spoke again.

"Has everything been as usual between Shion and yourself since you awoke?"

The unexpected question had me pausing for a moment and I hid my suspicion as I eyed him. No everything had not been usual, but what would he know about it? I hadn't given too much thought to possible reasons behind Kuchisake's mental degradation, busy just dealing with the fallout of it.

"Kaa-chan has been... very concerned over me and more upset lately," I delicately replied.

He hummed thoughtfully but said no more and I was left wondering why he gave a shit. Further conversation became unwelcome as Hiroshi turned his back to me and once more focussed his attention onto my medical files.

Before long, Shion arrived to pick me up and I ensured my features froze to prevent my disappointment from showing, keenly aware of the two different gazes on me. Her grin stretched too far on her face and her eyes were a touch too wide as they bored into me. I stiffened at the speed and intensity with which she moved in my direction, but before she reached me Hiroshi interrupted her.

"Once the girl is fully recovered I intend to put her forward for JCB patrols again. She should be fine to start in another four days after her next check up," there was a passive aggressive note to his voice and a light challenge in his eyes when he looked to her that had me holding my breath.

She stared back at him, emotions warring in her expression and her smile became more akin to a baring of teeth. There was a heavy pause before she replied coldly, "I don't think that should be necessary. She joined due to a conflict in schedules that is no longer a concern."

He tilted his head in agreement, but the challenge remained in his eyes, "That is true. But regardless of the reasons, she is a member and we have a shortage of those available for regular patrols. Every JCB member capable of reliable attendance is needed - Nagao-taichou has made that quite clear."

Her jaw clenched and her entire body became taut as she leaned forward as though prepared to attack. After a few seconds she swayed back with a slight sneer and sourly snapped, "Fine."

Her head shot toward me with a false smile, badly hiding the bitterness and raised a beckoning hand, "Come on now, Sweet thing. Let's get you back to our room."

I cautiously stood and walked to her, slipping my hand into her tight grasp. She pulled me from the room with pointed dismissal toward Hiroshi and walked us back.

There was a tense silence as I waited for whatever outburst she was going to have this time, and it was almost more worrying when none seemed to come. The only sign of abnormal behaviour from her was that she began to run a bath hours before she usually did.

I eyed her carefully when she approached me, her body language attempting affectionate but falling short of the mark - her anger shone through all too clearly.

"Bath and bed, I think, Sweet thing," she murmured as she carried me toward the water filled bucket to wash me in.

My brow furrowed in confusion, "But... it's early afternoo-" a hand over my mouth cut off the last syllable and was quickly replaced by lips.

"Shh," she placed me in the water, her tense posture and tight grip keeping my mouth sealed.

After we had bathed in uncomfortable silence on my part, and I was placed in a towel, Kuchisake held up a bottle of moisturising cream, "I know you've been having some trouble relaxing because of the ache, so lie down on your front and I'll give you a massage."

One look at her face and the automatic denial died before I could speak it. Packed with dread, I stiffly lay down and allowed her to remove the towel. I jumped when her slicked up hands first met my bare skin, but forced myself not to move or say anything.

It wasn't long before Shion began to speak about her day, and for a while everything continued on as normal, her hands pressing and kneading into my muscles. I had almost been lulled into a light doze when she began to get worked up as she spoke about her conversation with Hiroshi.

I was pulled fully out of my warm relaxed state when her hands pressed increasingly roughly into my skin as her words transformed into a full rant. I shuddered, overwhelmed and frightened underneath her fingers, closing my eyes tight and counting to maintain my calm. Her nails began to catch on my skin, and scrape painfully down my back.

"Kaa-chan," I shakily called out, my own nails gripping the sheet below me and trying to pull myself up the bed away from her. Her weight pressed down on my legs which I felt protesting against the angle they were shoved into the mattress, and her snaps and snarls had blurred into a high pitched animalistic ringing inside my ears. I didn't even know what she was saying.

"Kaa-chan," I panted, my heart pounding in my chest and blood rushing alongside the ringing in my ears.

Four nails dug into the skin of my collarbone as her hand wrapped over my right shoulder and her left hand pressed down on the back of my head, shoving it into the bed.

I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe.

Panic raced through my veins. I couldn't do this. I had no idea what was happening.

I called on my chakra and almost cried out at how the ache deep inside me intensified into a sharp burn, the shock making me loose my grip on it.

For endless seconds I was lost in pitch black suffocation, the ringing in my ears and the pounding of my heart and the painful weight on me the only things I perceived.

And then another sharp pain pierced my awareness, the weight on my back and head disappeared and I lifted my head to take a desperate, panicked breath.

I breathed heavily for a moment, my scrambled brain recovering as I registered the cooler air on my skin and and the lack of body covering me. I pushed myself up and quickly scrambled up the bed to face Shion.

She looked satisfied and calm and as though ... whatever the fuck that was hadn't just happened. I stared in bewildered fright for a moment, before the throbbing ache deep within me and the sharp pain in the curve of my neck made itself known.

I smelt blood.

I lifted my hand to my neck and when I pulled it away to look at it, I saw and smelt a smear of blood and saliva on my palm.

My throat clicked a few times as I swallowed in disbelief, "D-did... did you just bite me?"

She smiled benevolently, and I fought the urge to flinch at the sight, "Something to remember me by when I'm not around."

I shivered at her possessive and disturbing tone, but was otherwise silent. What could I possibly say in a situation where I was stuck with someone who was obviously dangerously insane?

She reached toward me, arms outstretched and this time I did flinch backward. Not that it did me any good, as her hands quickly picked me up and held me against her regardless.

"Time for bed. You need to sleep and recover and I have just the safe space for you to rest while I'm busy so no one will bother you and I'll know for certain where you are and nothing can happen while I'm gone," her chatter continued onward, and my heart sank as she got off the bed and headed toward the metal chest.

I didn't even bother trying to persuade her otherwise, hyper aware of the light trickle of blood making its way down my chest.

She placed me, naked and bleeding and still wet, in the metal chest and cooed a loving 'Sweet dreams' at me. I stared blankly up at her until the lid was closed and I was plunged into pitch black.

I curled in on myself, shivering as the metal cooled my damp skin, my forehead pressed to my knees. As soon as I heard her leave and the door click shut, I swiped my fingers across the stinging wound and placed them in my mouth, humming songs that reminded me of better times and swallowing down the sweet salty metallic ambrosia - ignoring the sniffles that occasionally broke up the humming and the watering eyes behind closed lids.

* * *

Four days passed... slowly. Each minute that Shion was in the room was a challenge that stretched my mind to what felt like near breaking point. She was gone far more than she was with me, but that was hardly better. With whatever it was taking up so much of her time, I was locked in the metal chest for almost the whole day.

I could do a number of hours at time in complete darkness and solitude, but the unbroken stretches of time were wearing me thin just as much as Shion herself. I was deeply tired, and felt like crumpling in on myself until I was non existent.

When I was next dropped off at medical, I could barely lift my head up enough to look Hiroshi in the eye.

"Are you ill, child?" He asked, sounding slightly concerned. I merely shook my head and took a seat.

There was a moment of silence during which I was sure he was assessing me and trying stare the truth out of me, but I didn't look up to check.

"Very well. Let's get straight on with what should be your last medical check up for a week or two."

The check up passed in the standard manner, up until Hiroshi got closer to me in order to measure my chakra.

He stared at my neck, looking more quizzical than usual for a moment, before his hand reached and gently tipped my chin up and to the side.

"Is that a bite mark?" He asked, a frown clear in his voice. I made a noise of confirmation, and ducked my shoulder a little when his fingers brushed over it.

"Who gave this to you?" He sounded perturbed, and I couldn't help but glean a dark amusement from the fact that out of everything he had seen and done in this facility, it was a simple bite mark that disgusted him. Or maybe it was because the bite mark was on my neck and not another child's.

"Who do you think, Hiroshi-san?" I asked as politely as possible, and winced internally at how dull and defeated I sounded.

There was another pause before he muttered disapprovingly, "You've been picking at the scabs."

"Not me," I denied, with a shake of my head.

He quickly connected the dots and then asked, incredulously, "Why?"

I sighed and shrugged, "To ensure a scar, I think."

He made a disgruntled noise, but made no further comment and continued with the check up.

"Well," he concluded, some minutes later, "You shouldn't be in any more pain. You're completely recovered from the procedure."

"The last twinges and aches disappeared during the night," I confirmed.

"And your chakra? You can use it again?"

I raised a confused brow, "I wouldn't know."

He smiled placidly at me, "The other medical staff may not have noticed, but I certainly know what the calluses on your hands meant before they were worn away."

I looked at him, horrified, and cringed away when his hand reached out to grasp my left wrist. He ran one finger up the pale line on the inside of my forearm that Tou-san had left in the training accident which felt like an age ago.

"This is a cut from a kunai. I've been a medic for long enough to recognise the nuances of scars which tell the stories of their origins," he still sounded so calm, and I tried to maintain an even breathing pattern so that I could think straight, "Now that I know you don't have a chakra disability, and yet your chakra remained the exact same amount for some time until you became unconscious during the procedure, there's nothing you can say to convince me you don't know how to use at least one chakra technique."

I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat, "Okay."

He scanned my eyes, calm and relaxed and never looking more like a threat, before smiling blandly at me, "So I'll ask again, child - can you use your chakra without issue?"

It took me a few tried to formulate my reply, the words reluctant to leave my mouth, "I don't know. I haven't tried since four days ago. I-I panicked and tried to use it and it hurt so badly. It hurt for hours afterward."

He nodded, contemplatively, and loosened his grasp on my wrist. I quickly snatched it back and hid my inner forearm against my stomach like that would remove the last few minutes from happening.

"Hmm, very well. I think the best way to know for certain is to heal what's remaining of the injury on your neck," he mused. With the shitty week I'd been having I felt like I both desperately needed and wanted to run screaming from another forced chakra connection.

"I'm afraid the scabs have been picked at enough that there will be a scar," he told me as he hooked me up the familiar chakra reading devices that he'd used each time he'd healed me.

He once more move my chin up and to the side, and I saw the translucent green fire out the corner of my eye as his hand approached my neck.

And then there was shared euphoria.

* * *

My JCB patrol began after seeing Hiroshi, and since my supervisor was Hiroshi himself I was able to begin right away. I'd been given a different route this time, one that passed closer to the area of the facility the kids slept in and so I came across more foot traffic during patrols than usual.

I was once more reminded of how much I found patrolling a relief. Just having some time mostly to myself to unwind and not have to be constantly micromanaging my every expression and intonation was a much needed break. With my chakra having been confirmed to work again, a little bit of peace returned to me from the knowledge that I wasn't completely vulnerable if things got too much.

I had JCB patrols three times a week, and when I wasn't patrolling or with Hiroshi, I was with Shion or locked in the black metal chest. Every single time I reported back to Hiroshi he appeared more and more eager to connect our chakra together and get a few moments of pure bliss, care free understanding and love with another human being. By the second time, he stopped measuring my chakra and making the connection under the pretence of science - it was like he was addicted.

Shion was also getting worse by the day. She never made me bleed again, but her emotions fluctuated from one extreme to the other without any indication of why and her ability to make sense when she spoke began to erode.

The fact that she rarely smelt of sex anymore was another sign to me that there was something wrong. Her attractiveness and ability to seduce was strongly tied up in her self worth, so the fact that she either wasn't even trying or was failing in her attempts was worrying in many ways. Every day she seemed to be falling apart at the seams a little more. It was painful to watch.

With the increased exposure to people while on patrol, I quickly noticed that there was a charged, tense feeling to the facility that hadn't been there before. Something like anticipation or the awful stillness before desolation. The adults weren't smiling, I noticed. They rarely did anyway, but faces were leaning more toward grim or careful impassiveness and movements were those of people marching toward something terrible but necessary.

It had my hackles and my awareness raised, but despite keeping an eye out, I couldn't pinpoint the cause of the change in the facility. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end when I observed the military personnel moving about the hallways and I felt anxiety increasingly tighten around my lungs the more I saw the same signs in each passing shinobi.

Just when I was at the point of convincing myself that whatever had happened to change the atmosphere of the place was of no consequence to me, I ran across fifteen military kids being lead down the corridor by two shinobi.

My brows furrowed at such an unusual sight, and I reluctantly planted myself in their path. The man leading the procession of children came to a stop and looked expectantly down at me.

"Name and number?" I inquired, like I had for many others wandering the corridors before.

"Katsuo Takenaka, 002145," the man built like a brick shit house replied. I nodded and then turned expectantly to the woman in the back.

"Shimizu Akiko, 002688," she spoke up, looking impatient and sullen.

I made a vague noise of confirmation and then pursed my lips uncertainly at the group of kids.

"Even with adult accompaniment, there shouldn't be more than twelve shinobi trainees at a time in transit," I stated, though the question was clear within the sentence.

"They're being moved in preparation for Downsizing," the huge man replied, solemnly.

I eyed the lot dubiously, "Right... I suppose you two wouldn't mind demonstrating your ability to open the door in the next corridor then?"

The woman in the back shifted and looked annoyed, but they both agreed. Prepared to respond to an attack just in case they were imposters, I allowed the two shinobi to lead the way. It took less than three minutes to reach the door and for them both to have no trouble opening it.

"Okay," I admitted, still uncertain, "understand, though, that I haven't been informed by my supervisor of more than twelve trainees being granted permission to move throughout the facility at a time. I'll need to check in with him."

The man gave a quick jerk of his head in agreement, "Very well. Do so." Without further ado, he continued onward, the children following behind - some moving past as though I didn't exist, blank faced, others eyeing me curiously out of the corners of their eyes.

The woman slowed down as she walked by me, a tilt to her head that reminded me of a cat 'innocently' playing with a mouse.

"You're Kuchisake's child, aren't you?" She asked, the slightest emphasis on Shion's name revealing to me her dislike for the woman.

I hesitated before nodding, unsure of where she was going with this, "I am."

She smirked like she knew something I didn't and took vindictive amusement out of it, "Maybe we'll be seeing you, then. Maybe we won't. Good luck." She moved swiftly to catch up to the others, as I watched her in wary confusion. What the hell did she mean by that?

With a sudden sense of foreboding, I hurried to take the quickest route back to where Hiroshi was working for the next few hours, not bothering to conceal my worry when he opened the door after I knocked.

"Come in. I assume you have something to report?" Hiroshi stated as soon as he saw me.

I followed him inside and the door shut behind me. He went to sit down by a worktop covered in haphazard notes, which I assumed he'd just been working on, and looked expectantly at me.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and resisted the urge to fidget or fiddle with my clothes, "I just passed a group of fifteen trainees being taken somewhere by Katsuo Takenaka, ID number 002145 and Shimizu Akiko, ID number 002688. They told me they were escorting the children in preparation for Downsizing."

There was a light of realisation on his face as soon as I mentioned the last word, "Ah, yes. I thought I might have forgotten something. During the next two weeks you will likely come across more groups of shinobi trainees being moved from the facility. I have a list of names and numbers belonging to those who have permission to act as escorts. You may check the identities of those shinobi with the trainees but otherwise, regardless of the size of the group, just ignore them and let them be on their way."

"They're being removed from the facility?" I was wary about asking further into the matter when it wasn't really my business according to pretty much everyone, but luckily Hiroshi only paused briefly before answering.

"Yes. Among other things, Downsizing involves the removal of trainees from the building." There was something so weighted in his words that a shiver went down my spine.

I was summarily dismissed before I could pull up the courage to ask anything further, and made my way back along the corridors to continue patrolling. On the way, though, I realised I was passing the same corridor where the malfunctioning door belonged.

I wasn't sure if the door had since been fixed, and I couldn't risk hanging around the area to see if it would unlock, but an idea sprung into my mind; the room inside contained computers and what was probably a majority of the files within the facility, so, if I was lucky, the door was still malfunctioning and I could find out an indication of what Downsizing actually meant.

I just had to ensure I timed it so that when my patrol ended, the nearest route between myself and the room Hiroshi worked in during the day included the corridor with the (possibly) broken door.

At least it was something to distract me from how increasingly unpredictable Shion was becoming.

* * *

Over the next week more and more military kids were removed from the facility while I was on patrol, all with the same reasoning. Despite rarely seeing children around during my day to day in the facility, the increasing emptiness of the place was almost tangible, making my hair stand on end and anxiety creep up my spine.

During my next medical check up with Hiroshi, I cautiously asked, " How many kids in general are left in the facility?"

For a moment he didn't answer, and then when he looked up at me I could have sworn, underneath his typical confused and curious expression, he looked... sad. I wanted to say he looked haunted, but chided myself for melodrama.

"There are one hundred thirteen children left. One hundred fourteen counting yourself. All medical now," he softly stated, sounding none too happy about it.

"I don't understanding how this will allow there to be a shift toward military focus, considering there are no military children left," I admitted, sounding worried.

He gave a small, false, smile toward me. With a jolt of horror I realised he was attempting to placate and comfort me without being able to drum up the necessary emotions to invest in what he was about to say.

"If all goes well, you won't have to concern yourself with the military directed shift. In the next week, the necessary medical equipment is being moved to follow the shinobi trainees. After that..." The man shrugged and continued to make notes, not saying another word. I quieted suspiciously at him and his avoidance of clarifying what 'after that' meant, but I could tell further questions weren't welcome.

"Well, the effects of the procedure are going well, and your chakra is reacting how it should. Give it another few days and you might even notice some of the effects yourself," he smiled proudly, looking at me for a moment as though I was supposed to share his feelings about the matter. I gave him an mildly unimpressed look and his expression shifted sheepishly, before he cleared his throat and continued.

"After a few weeks or months... well things should theoretically progress, but... I hope... hmm," he scratched his head pensively and I frowned at him, irritated by the vague information.

"What effects am I supposed to be noticing?" I struggled to keep my voice even.

"It's best not to tell you what to expect, so I know your observations aren't affected by it," he waved me off, finishing up his notes and then eyeing me eagerly, "Now, let's finish up with a chakra connection. Hold still."

His hand lit up in green translucent fire and he reached toward me, a hungry look on his face.

To my utter dismay I discovered, as I left to go on patrol, that with the last of the military children gone there was no more JCB. I would have one last afternoon of freedom before I was stuck in one room almost permanently. With a heavy heart I left, hoping to drag out the small amount of freedom I would soon have to give up.

Without groups of children being escorted I barely came across another person and soon the niggling thought persisted that it was the perfect time to wait in the corridor with the previously malfunctioning door in order to see if the door was still broken. It could be my last chance to see what this Downsizing shit was all about.

I hesitated, though; the idea of being caught as the only child still allowed to wander the corridors, obviously doing something I wasn't supposed to be and taken to be punished by an already unpredictably unstable Shion had me too scared to act.

I spent hours patrolling, sniffing the air and straining my ears to find a sign that someone was nearby, my caution edging into paranoia. Every time I summed up the courage to go, I ended up chickening out and then kicking myself for doing so.

Finally, sensing the end of patrol approaching, I growled at myself for being a fucking coward and then said "screw it" and marched myself toward the corridor.

With hair standing on end and a jittery feeling in my stomach, I anxiously waited at the door - my hand pressed against it - and counted down in my head. When twenty minutes had almost passed, and I had all but lost hope that the door was still broken, I heard footsteps approaching. My whole body tensed to the point of near pain and I resisted the urge to run back. I still had a minute or so before whoever it was turned in to the corridor.

Twenty one minutes were almost up, and the footsteps were getting closer, sweat pricking on the back of my neck, when the door gave beneath my hand. With a split second choice between entering the room and running back to the patrol route, I turned and legged it. I had no guarantee that the person wasn't about to enter that same room, and I couldn't risk it.

Foot traffic picked up at the tail end of patrol enough that I didn't get another clear shot at getting into the file room, and when the time was up I felt almost sick with disappointment.

* * *

For five days I was given no reprieve, either stuck with Kuchisake who seemed to switch between rage and sadness and frighteningly overwhelming affection, or trapped in the metal box for hours and hours, with nothing to do but hum or sing for my own comfort - a little bit of noise for company and packed with enough memories to prove that the chest and Kuchisake and this facility had not always been my world.

For more than half the time, I was stuck wallowing in my own pee, my child's bladder unable to hold up against so many hours without access to a toilet. It felt like with every hour I became more and more numb, spending an increasing amount of time daydreaming to distract myself from how helpless I was, that something was wrong in the facility and I didn't know what the endgame looked like, that I sometimes wondered if Kuchisake would accidentally kill me in a fit of insanity soon.

* * *

 _*Death by Snu Snu: Futurama reference. Basically means death by sex_

 _And there you have it, the lady is insane. Which was kinda obvious already. But now she's even more insane._

 _Things are shifting around Sonaru in an already unstable environment, how do you think she'll cope?_

 _What do you think Downsizing will be?_

 _Do you feel bad for Kenta or Hiroshi?_

 _What sort of things might we see from the after effects of Sonaru's operation in the future?_

* * *

 _For anyone who feels this triggers their own trauma and needs to talk to someone:_

 ** _UK_**

 _Samaritans number (24/7): 116123 -from any phone_

 _Or 0330 094 5717 -local charges apply_

 _Alternatively you can go to: h ttps:/ /www. nhs. uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ and find whichever helpline you feel most covers your needs. Obviously take out the spaces between the h and t, the two /, and after the two dots._

 ** _USA_**

 _NAMI number (Monday - Friday 10am - 6pm est): 18009506264_

 _Or NMIH number (Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5pm est): (866) 615-6464_

 _My readers are mainly from the US or UK, so I've included those - if you have a better number or just another one you think I should add, pm me or let me know in your review._

 _Also if you believe I should include a number from another country, let me know which country, organisation and what the number is and I'll add it._


	56. Chapter 56

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

After last chapter there is supposed to be another Kakashi chapter (it was going to go after the three part chapter, but then it became a goddamn three part chapter and I figured I could put it sandwiched in between instead), so imagine after reading Sonaru's chapter last time you follow Kakashi kicking butts and taking names again and also finding out info that puts him on the right track to find Sonaru.

The last half to third of this chapter and next chapter I enjoyed writing - though I really can't promise you'll enjoy reading them.

There's not much else to say tbh, apart from the that the slog is almost over - rejoice? And sorry it's dragged on for so long, but such is the hazard of writing and putting out a first draft - it only becomes clear to me exactly how to cut down the unnecessary fat of the story after it's out there all together and complete.

(This is the most moral, compassionate, vulnerable, concerned, anxious part Sonaru's mental voice)

(this is also Sonaru's mental voice, angrier, selfish, impulsive, more politically incorrect, more nihilistic)

[This is the most logical Shinobi trained part of Sonaru's mental voice]

No beta, barely any proof reading and no editing. be warned.

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 55 - Like A Lucifer She'll Always Shine**

When Shion arrived back earlier than usual, entering the room in a hurry and immediately unlocking the chest - the loud clanking of the locks reverberating uncomfortably loudly in my ears after the quiet of the last few hours - the first words out of her mouth with a tense smile were, "Come on, Sweet thing. Oh dear, have you wet yourself again? No time to wash yourself, beautiful baby. We'll just have to make do with a quick clothes change."

She hurriedly pulled me by the arm up and out of the metal chest, roughly yanking my damp and piss soaked dress over my head and slapping my hands away when I attempted to take my cold wet underwear off by myself. Moments later, a fresh pair was being pulled up to rest uncomfortably against my tacky skin and a clean dress pulled on me.

Not bothering with shoes or socks, Shion quickly ran her fingers through my bed head hair - to little effect - and hoisted me into her arms.

I kept my mouth shut, hyper aware of the tremble I had felt in her hands when they'd carded through my hair and the strain in her expression when she looked at me.

She carried me out of the room swiftly and made quick pace on a route through the corridors that I recognised - we were going to see Nagao. Smothering a grimace, I sighed in resignation - there was certainly suppressed panic thrumming behind my ribs but I was too detached and weary to give in to it.

There were none of the usual reminders to behave and I could tell something had Kuchisake shaken. Anticipating the usual awfulness of visiting the cold man, I felt myself mentally drift backward and take a back seat in my own experiences. I almost wished she'd left me in the metal chest all day instead.

I noted curiously that upon arrival, for the first time, Kuchisake didn't knock and wait for Nagao to open the door for us, but instead let herself in immediately. I hadn't realised she had access to unlocking the door to his office.

Waiting for us was Nagao and, to my vague surprise, Hiroshi. Both looked at us with anticipation - Nagao cool and piercing whereas Hiroshi appeared subtly hopeful and worried.

"Ah, there she is," Hiroshi smiled somewhat blandly at me, though concern peeked through.

Kuchisake placed me on the floor in front of both men, Nagao on the chair behind his desk and Hiroshi on the seat in front of it - I noticed dryly that neither Shion nor I were ever offered the seat when it was just us.

For a few awkward seconds I had the distinctly unpleasant experience of feeling the silent but probing eyes of all three adults, resisting the urge to either squirm or look to the increasingly unreliable Shion for reassurance.

"Well?" Nagao raised an imperious eyebrow and gestured at me, glancing to Hiroshi expectantly.

The doctor cleared his throat and straightened, "Yes, right," and stood up to approach me.

"As I have indicated in the medical notes, the method I discovered to create the initial connection is with medical chakra, however the child's side of the connection is forged via simply inserting her chakra into the receiver, upon which the pleasure centres in the receiver's brain light up and the chemicals released indicate some sort of incredibly strong natural high. The foreign chakra lasts about five seconds in each person's system, once finished inserting, before the chakra is expelled from the child's body whereas in the receiver's body it is assimilated.

"I don't know why the intense personal connection is forged, nor how the feeling of camaraderie and peace is created. I have yet to begin testing to see if there are a variety of alternative methods to create this bond outside of an unformed genjutsu and if doing so would alter said bond, if the child can initiate the bond... I - well to put it bluntly I would say that this is step one on the path of discovery regarding this phenomenon. I would say that it would be akin to criminally wasteful not to find out all we can about this, especially seeing as the child is, as far as I know, the only existing person who can do this."

Nagao never took his eyes off me during Hiroshi's explanation, his gaze calculating and impassive. When Hiroshi was finished speaking, Nagao gave a single nod and then gestured once more toward me, "Proceed."

I felt far too vulnerable to be comfortable at the idea of this happening in front of the likes of Nagao and Kuchisake but before fear could rise within me fully, Hiroshi's hand lit up with medical chakra and I gave in to the inevitability.

His hand touched my shoulder and, in what was now a reflex, the hand on my other side immediately reached out to grasp his wrist.

Even as I was doing so, bliss buried my awareness of anything but the man in front of me. I was swept under by the shared love and acceptance I was so used to finding with him, that I had needed so much and that he had provided. My complete acknowledgment of the merit of his existence, the awe I felt knowing he saw me with those same eyes. The joy ran higher and higher until I was pure feeling, I couldn't even feel my body, before I drifted slowly and perfectly down.

It was a moment before I could register sight and hearing again, but as soon as I did my eyes darted toward Nagao. I couldn't feel the same stressed and detached that I had before, but that didn't prevent me from keeping an eye out for currently the most volatile person in the room.

I noted absently that it took Hiroshi a second or two longer than me to come back to himself this time and that when full awareness flickered in his eyes again he made no sign of moving away from me.

Nagao was watching the whole thing looking only mildly interested, before he made a contemplative humming noise, "Have you noticed any changes as time has progressed from her procedure?"

Hiroshi appeared to think on the question for a moment before he replied, "The experience might last ever so slightly longer and be a touch more intense, but I couldn't be certain without empirical evidence."

"I see. Tell me now, Hiroshi-san, do you believe this is something that can be weaponised?"

Hiroshi seemed to flounder for a moment, his puzzled face revealing how irrelevant such a concern was in the face of brand new scientific discoveries.

Nagao raised a hand before the man could answer, preemptively stopping him, "From what I observed, the child was just as overwhelmed as you were - just as easily caught off guard should someone choose to attack in such a moment. Am I incorrect?"

There was a heavy pause as reluctance briefly pressed Hiroshi's lips together before he admitted, "Your assessment is accurate."

"That's not to say Sona's unexplored ability will always be lacking use in battle. We hardly know anything about it," Kuchisake stepped forward, her voice lacking strength but remained unwavering nonetheless.

Nagao's hand raised sharply, preventing her from speaking again, "Yes, I'm aware. Orders were made very clear that there were to be no exceptions regardless of my personal preference-"

My brow raised in surprise as Hiroshi cut him off in protest, "The child is not even part of the test groups, she is entirely unconnected to the other children."

"I know!" Nagao raised his voice slightly, the words almost a bark and frustration shining through. Hiroshi's mouth shut and his lips pressed in a tight line, while Shion took a step back. My heart thudded once in what I denied to be fright and I subtly wiped my clammy palms on my clothes.

"I am fully aware of the situation, and while I see the merit of both your arguments the choice is not up to me. I intend to send a message with your current findings and a request to make an exception for this child but, until I receive a reply, nothing is to be done," Nagao's tone was cool and final. There was a drawn out pause in which no one said a thing, before he spoke again, "That is all I have to say on the matter. Now leave. All of you."

With a respectful bow, we all turned to leave. Shion immediately scooped me up to hold me tight on her grasp as Hiroshi opened the door for her. I stared at Hiroshi's hand with a mild frown on my face as he held the door open - there was something about doing so that niggled at me but I couldn't focus long enough to connect the dots that my brain wanted me to when the atmosphere in the room was so stifled and awkward.

Despite my best efforts, my mind only continued to fruitlessly ping that I had seen something worth noting without any more clarity during the journey back to our room, before I was distracted by my wariness of Shion in an enclosed space.

There was a tension so tight within the stunning woman's posture that for a moment I didn't speak, afraid that she would snap. She stiffly walked us both into the bathroom and ran a bath, giving the water no time to rise before she climbed into the tub with me, both fully dressed, holding me as close as she could.

Taking a careful breath, I made myself ask the frighteningly still woman, "Is something going to happen to me, Kaa-chan?"

A hysterical sounding laugh escaped her, short and high pitched and resembling a hiccup or a sob, "No, Sweet thing. You don't have to worry about anything."

Her nails dug into my skin as she crushed me against her chest, and I didn't believe a word of it.

She murmured possessive and intense words into my ears as the water level rose and soaked her clothes. The steam licked the bottoms of my bare feet, concerning in its high temperature and I began to fidget as the water continued to rise without Kuchisake making any move to add cold in.

The bottom of my dress dipped briefly into the bath water and quickly soaked it up, coming to lay almost scaldingly against my skin as I wriggled my way up Shion's body.

"Kaa-chan," I whimpered, a wobble making its way in, "Kaa-chan, the bath is full."

"Hmm," for a long, frightening minute she made no effort to turn the water off, and it flicked painfully at the bottoms of my feet as my toes desperately gripped at her clothes to keep them from dropping into the heat, before she finally leaned over and turned the tap.

I froze in my position, my fingers and toes clawing into her wet clothes in order to keep my body above the water, far too hot for my youthfully sensitive skin. She took no notice of my distress and continued to speak gently at me.

"I will always keep you safe, Sweet thing. Always. Never letting anyone take you from me. Not again my Little Raindrop. Did I ever tell you what happened to the man who took my family from me? No? I visited my Love and I asked him for one last evening with him, distraught over my scars and his inability to bear the sight of my disfigurement. I believe he thought I intended to kill myself out of guilt and grief - and though I did intend to do so, there was one last thing I felt I had to do.

"We lay together that evening, though he wouldn't look at my face. He seemed almost more upset than I was that our time was coming to an end, and after he had finished he hid his face in my hair and tried not to cry. I comforted him as best I could, although I couldn't soothe his grief, and then I took a kunai I had hidden by the bed and I stabbed it through the back of his neck while I held him.

"My plan was to stay there until the morning came and his men discovered what I'd done, before dying as I fought them - I was aware that I didn't have the skills to take them on all at once. But... something within me prevented me from doing so. I wanted my Little Raindrop back, I just wanted to see her again, but I didn't want to die. She was gone and I didn't have the courage to die in order to join her. So I dressed myself, and I ran.

"I knew they would be after me, and I knew I had to leave the country, so I ran as fast and far as I could, taking jobs on the way to keep me going, spending nights with whoever I had to in order to keep myself safe. Eventually I was noticed and picked up by my current Kage, who took me in and gave me purpose again: for five years it's been the children here. But now it is you, Sweet thing. You give my life purpose again and I will never let anyone take you away from me, no matter what."

My stomach sank as she continued to talk and talk, never loosening her grip on me, until the water turned from hot to warm and then cool. By the end, I was gripping to her clothes to preserve body heat and minimise the shiver, my fingers and toes soft and wrinkled and my cold clothes sapping what little heat I had.

She stripped us both and washed us in the freezing cold bath water, the skin on her limbs still red and splotchy from where it had been submerged in too-hot temperatures, and then she wrapped her arms suffocatingly around me in bed as she tiredly murmured herself into sleep.

I lay still, weighed to the bed by the heavy brick in my chest and the weary resignation of my situation clouding my mind. Occasionally sharp, toxic anxiety would splinter its way through my numb passivity and my heart rate would rapidly spiral, my breath would turn shaky and a prickly flush would crawl up my spine as my limbs shook with the purposeless adrenaline, but it would quickly burn itself out - leaving me to lie there once more in a dull fugue with sleep as ever out of my reach.

* * *

The waiting game was painful for the three days that it lasted. Even in the cold metal chest, the tension got to me and the sparks of anxiety became more frequent and more fierce, leaving me bent with my forehead to the bottom of the chest and my left fingers on my right wrist trying to keep my pulse low as I carefully breathed while my brain tormented with uncontrollable flickers of 'what if's.

When she was around, Shion was as scarily unstable as ever with a combination of both hope and dread colouring our interactions. She stared, though, when she was in the room. She never took her eyes off me as they seemed to simultaneously drink me in desperately and bore relentlessly into my skin.

Eventually, to my relief and dismay, a frantic and nervous Kuchisake arrived to bring me to Nagao's office with an answer to whatever may or may not be happening to me. She dressed me quickly, not quite in the same rush as last time but not far away and far more emotionally distressed.

Lifting me up, she dithered nervously at the door switching me to her other arm and opening the door in an awkward fashion. I stared at her hand on the door, my brain pinging once again and frown working its way onto my face.

Surely it wasn't so simple...

I was distracted during the walk to Nagao's office, trying to stem the rising anticipation in my chest and carefully suppressing the excited blood that wanted to rise to my cheeks. I carefully and meticulously ran through my memories of everyone I had ever seen opening the doors throughout the facility, and as the evidence mounted up I felt hope stick like blood and honey to the back of my throat.

Once more Kuchisake failed to knock as she made her way into Nagao's office, with both the leader of the facility and Hiroshi waiting for us. I maintained a blank expression, aware that positive emotions on my face right now would be jarringly out of place considering the awful atmosphere.

"Nagao-taichou?" Shion asked, her chest becomingly flushed as she lightly panted from nervousness, faint hope peeking through in her voice. Hiroshi's was almost as blank as mine, only a slight crease in his puzzled features giving away his inner turmoil.

"I received a missive today regarding the child and the orders have been given. Hiroshi, I have ten vials here for blood - if you would do so now then we can focus on completing preparations for Downsizing to commence tomorrow."

Shion seemed to crumple in on herself, even as she let me slip from her hands to stand on my own feet. Hiroshi was unable to look directly at me, and I could see dismay flash acutely across his features for a moment as he turned to a case by his feet and opened it to reveal all that he would need to take my blood.

I didn't know what this meant, but I knew it wasn't good.

Shion's breath hitched lightly and she sniffled pathetically behind me as I forced my feet toward Hiroshi. What the fucking goddamn hell was Downsizing and what did it have to do with my blood?

As my inner arm was swiped and the needle injected into my arm amidst a litter of puncture scars, Kuchisake begged behind me in an indiscrete whisper.

"Please, Nagao-taichou. Please, you have write back and-"

"Silence. We have our orders," he snapped coldly, his body radiating restrained violence from the corner of my eye and I found myself leaning toward Hiroshi in response.

The eyebrowless doctor's eyes flicked solemnly up at me, but quickly looked back down at my arm as he swapped vials.

"What's..." I trailed off, unwilling to ask what was going on in front of Nagao, but I looked meaningfully at Hiroshi.

He grimaced lightly, giving my arm a gentle squeeze, but said nothing.

When all ten vials of blood were filled, Hiroshi took a small pair of scissors and cut some of my hair off and my cheek was swabbed multiple times. I noticed during that time that Hiroshi's hand was shaking ever so slightly.

I felt overwhelmed and uncertain, but underlying it still was the triumphant certainty that, if I put a decent plan together and was careful about it, I had discovered a way out of the facility.

I eyed the biological samples while they were labelled and placed within a case, noting that my connection to the blood felt a lot stronger and clearer than I'd experienced before, then turned my gaze to the subtly displeased Nagao. He looked at me with something I thought might have been regret, or perhaps just disappointment.

A warning prickle ran up my spine as my emotions finally caught up to what my mind had known for a while now; I had to get out of here before something terrible happened. Whatever this Downsizing was, I didn't want to stick around and find out.

My mind shot to Scarred'n'Scowly and Little Heart Wrencher, and concern flooded me at their well-being during Downsizing, but I firmly turned my mind away from them telling myself that I couldn't overreach trying to look out for them when I barely had a plan to look out for myself.

"I want preparations accelerated so that we'll be ready by tomorrow afternoon," Nagao's voice pierced my thoughts, and I noticed that he hadn't looked at me since the final sample had been taken. I was used to being dismissed within a room, but the way he was doing so spoke of someone who didn't consider me a valid life - it made me realise that even at his most callous he'd never treated me like that.

"Yes Nagao-taichou," Hiroshi confirmed, both adults turning to leave after the dismissal.

Hiroshi opened the door for us both - right hand, I noticed. Like everyone had done regardless of how awkward it was to open the door with that hand. Almost all shinobi were trained to be ambidextrous, but Hiroshi was left handed and yet even when it was inconvenient to do so he used his right hand. There must be an implant or something along those lines within everyone's right hand which was used to unlock the doors they had access to.

Now all I needed was to make someone with access to them open the doors, or get hold of an implant myself. There were only three people I knew were certain to have full access to the front doors and gates; Nagao (yeah that was never going to happen), Shion and Hiroshi.

I felt myself lifted and as I was carried by a quietly juddering Kuchisake, Nagao raised his voice one last time.

"Oh and make sure she isn't placed with the rest of the children after Downsizing - after all there will still be a lot we can gain from her biology," there was a vein of complete calculated cruelty running under the seemingly casual statement, made all the more clear by Shion's full body flinch.

She froze, a sob silently heaving in her chest, and simply trembled. After a moment Hiroshi took pity and replied an affirmative for her, allowing Kuchisake to hurriedly leave without another word.

I was placed back in the chest by the distraught woman, the lid shut and locked, before I clearly heard her rush to the bathroom and shut the door behind her where she burst into agonised wails.

I cringed at noise and emotion behind it, my fingernails digging into the skin of my knees and anxiety thrumming unhelpfully in my chest while her cries continued on and if anything got worse. They were unsettling to listen to, her voice breaking and catching as she seemed to scream and cry her pain out. I shivered as goosebumps made their way across my body and hugged my legs close.

I turned my mind away from her suffering and focussed instead on the fact that I could still feel the connection to my blood, despite the distance. Control of it slipped through my fingers when I tried, but I was able to clearly sense it, as well as how far away it was from me. It felt like I'd left a small part of my consciousness back in Nagao's office and if I could just figure out how to make my awareness bridge the gap between myself and the blood then perhaps I could make it move... or at least do something better than nothing.

Every attempt I made failed, though, just as elusive and slippery as it had always been. I lost track of time as I fell deeper and deeper into my attempts to strengthen the connection I had to my blood, to the point that I was thoroughly caught off guard when the padlocks clanked as they were unlocked and the lid was abruptly lifted.

A shot of cold ran down my spine when I saw the manic expression on her face and the too-wide smile that was more of a baring of her teeth. Her chest heaved unevenly and tear tracks ran down her puffy and reddened face when she reached for me.

"Come here, Sweet thing. I want to try something," her voice sounded like it was scraped from a shedded throat as she lifted me roughly, and hurried over to the bed while I dangled in in her arms uncomfortably.

She climbed predatorily onto the bed after me, making me back up nervously until I was hemmed in against the headboard with her looming intimidatingly over me, never taking her disturbing gaze off me. She panted hotly against my face for a moment, her breath sour for the first time, before a trembling hand lifted off the bed and approached my face.

My head craned back in a futile attempt to avoid her, and she made soothing noises that managed to sound creepy instead.

"It's okay, Sweet thing. Don't you worry. I just need... I can't do iryo jutsu, but apparently that's not necessary..."

 _Wait. No. Not with her._

Her hand connected with my face and then everything was perfect.

I loved and was loved in turn. Unquestioning in our mutual acknowledgment our bond. This woman who had suffered and struggled and tried so hard the only way that she knew how. What an honour it was to be the most important thing in her life and to love her for the things she was willing to do for me. I saw her, past all of my doubts and fears and judgements and condemnations that faded away to reveal the humanity within her. The flawed humanity that made my heart swell, and the desire to share every moment of that feeling with her. Pure acceptance of her in every facet.

The feeling lingered, intense and wonderful, before floating gently down into contentment and peace.

I opened my eyes, tears running down my face and saw the beautiful woman in front of me looking broken open and vulnerable and so ecstatic that I couldn't bear to take my eyes off her wet face - for once not lined with insecurity, or fear, or calculated aesthetics that was so trodden into her features that they had become part of her face. She was radiant and there was nothing left in me to deny any longer that I loved her.

[Timing of such a realisation is disadvantageous considering potential actions needed in order to escape facility. Compartmentalise emotions immediately in order to analyse and accept when in a safe place away from facility]

(But I love her. She's hurting so much, she needs help. No one else will help her)

[This is an unacceptable liability]

(I can't help it)

Her dark lashes fluttered, and then opened her off-white eyes with such unadulterated adoration in them that I could help but blush.

"Come here, my perfect child," she gently scooped me forward and held me against her. I felt completely safe in her arms for the first time and couldn't help but melt into the hug.

She kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back gently, while whispering about how much she loved me and how thankful she was that I had come into her life. My face stretched weirdly and I realised after a moment that I was smiling, ever so slightly, in contentment.

[This isn't good. You need to emotionally detach yourself from this situation right now.]

It felt so good to feel safe and loved and held, just for a moment. Just for a little while.

I fell asleep like that, for the first time in days, warm and untroubled and held comfortably tight in Shion's arms.

* * *

My eyes snapped opened as my instincts screamed that something was terribly wrong, while my emotions insisted that for once things were just right.

Immediately I sniffed the air and strained my ears. There was a faint, weird smell in the air that I couldn't quite recognise, and I could tell that Kuchisake had been gone for hours.

She was my best ticket out of here, but after last night I doubted she was just going to let herself be manipulated into letting me go outside. I'd have to make her.

(Could I really hurt her? Could I really hurt someone I love?)

(Of course I can because I know what pieces of shit they are)

(Can I hurt _her_ , though? When everyone she's ever loved has already done so?)

(...fuck)

[It doesn't matter what you have to do. Get out of this facility before it's too late. Do not forget the priorities.]

My breath stuttered as I sat up, and I made myself mutter aloud, "Functional physical body and mental faculties. Return to Tou-san. Personal pride and non-rigid moral boundaries." Even as I said this I realised with a shocked jolt that I could still feel the blood that was removed from me yesterday, just as strongly as I had the moment it was taken from me.

The sensation reminded me all over again why it had been taken in the first place, and just why my instincts were screaming at me that I was in danger.

Right - today was Downsizing day. And I still didn't know what that meant, just that it wasn't anything good for me.

I had to get out of here. Fast.

But that was a little difficult to achieve when I was locked in the room alone. Until Kuchisake came back I could do nothing but impotently wait. What was I going to do when she came back, anyway?

I kicked myself for falling asleep last night when she was vulnerable and wore her hairpins into the room. I'd just have to get close enough to her when she came back so I could get them out of her hair and force her to take me outside. I didn't have to hurt her to do it... in fact now that I thought about it, she would probably respond better to me threatening to hurt myself. As long as I maintained a large enough distance between us that she wasn't confident of her ability to reach me before I could cause myself harm, things could work.

[One hairpin pointed at her and one underneath the chin should suffice. A minor piercing of the skin with some blood should provide proof of willingness for self harm and be visually shocking enough that the risk of not following instructions seems too great]

An image of her frantically worried and scared face, mixed with betrayal, flashed through my mind and I swallowed against the guilt.

(I'll never see her again if I do this)

"Good," I muttered viciously, but the word had something hollow to it.

The more I thought on the realities of my plan, the more uncertain I felt. Losing me was guaranteed to send her off the deep end. This was going to really damage her already damaged mind.

"I can do this," I whispered, but even to myself I sounded weak. I shut my eyes tight and shook my head in denial against my own lack of conviction, "I _can_ do this," I forcefully told myself, " _I can do this._ Fuck..." I screwed my palms viciously against my eye sockets until I saw starbursts, " _Fuck._ I _have_ to do this."

(I don't want to)

I shook my head again, and dug my fingernails roughly down the skin on my shoulders, trying to clear my mind, "This is what she's done to you," I growled. Irritation began to burble low in my belly.

I clawed at my collarbone, "She's taken every freedom she possibly could. Just taken it and expected a thank you. Now she's in your head. After _everything_ I did to keep her out for as long as I fucking could and she just forced her stupid emotions onto me. She didn't even ask. She _never fucking asks!_ "

(But she loves me, and she's ill. She's very ill - it's not her fault. I'm going to abandon her. I'm her reason for living. She could be killed for losing me. She could die suffering and alone and wondering why I left her)

Chills ran up my arms at the mental image, and curled up into a ball as I whispered miserably, "Or I could stay here and never see Tou-san again. He could die suffering and alone and wondering what happened to me, blaming himself."

(So I love them both)

"They're not comparable," I snarled lowly, "she's hurt me to serve her own desires, she serves me up to one psycho after another. Tou-san's... Tou-san's-"

(Loyal. They love me, but only Hatake Kakashi gives me his loyalty)

[Loyalty is a more valuable and desirable trait than love]

"That's true," I squeezed my hands tight against my stomach and bowed my head until it lay against my knees.

[If you must threaten Kuchisake in order to leave, the pain is worth it]

"For Tou-san, if nothing else," I murmured.

For hours I sat on the bed with nothing but the connection to my blood, the weird smell in the air that got slowly stronger, and my own waxing and waning conviction to do what must be done so that I could leave.

When I heard the door open my head shot up and my heart thrummed in my throat. Shion walked in, practically vibrating with excitement and tension and nervousness and a million other emotions that flitted across her face too quickly for me to tell, bringing with her a waft of that weird smell.

My eyes shot to her hair and my stomach sank. She didn't have her hair pins in.

"Come on, gorgeous boy," She called, her voice rough and strained in her excitement. Behind her, holding her hand, came a face I hadn't seen in weeks. Scarred'n'Scowly's dark green eyes, bald head and grumpy expression came into view, his gaze shooting warily around until they met mine.

Something relieved and worried shone in his eyes for a moment, before his face blanked in a show of concerning control for a child his age.

The door shut behind them, a heavy silence filling the room for uncomfortable seconds as Kuchisake radiated mounting anticipation. Her grin stretched wide enough that it couldn't have been a nice feeling on the scars spreading from her lips.

Scarred'n'Scowly stared at the floor, his body rigid, Shion stared possessively at me, practically licking her fucking lips, and I shot my eyes between the two as my mind desperately tried to think of a plan B. What the fuck could I do when there was a child that could be used as collateral?

"I thought I'd bring someone to see you who's been missing you a lot, Sweet thing. Isn't that nice? Say hello, both of you," her tone was sugar sweet and I didn't trust it one bit.

"Hi," I croaked nervously. His attention flicked up to me and back to the floor with a mild grunt.

Her hand released his and came to rest on the back of his bald head, nudging him toward me.

"Due to Downsizing, Sona, you won't be seeing any of your friends anymore, I'm afraid. And since I got a few hours uninterrupted from Nagao-taichou," Shion twitched and her face spasmed. "I thought we could all spend it together having some fun and giving a special goodbye," she finished with a disturbing amount of relish, and both of us looked at her with uncertainty.

She raised a somewhat impatient brow at Scarred'n'Scowly, "Well, get on the bed."

Scarred'n'Scowly avoided looking at me, but he stiffly approached the bed and climbed on. I sat, frozen in denial.

(This isn't what it looks like. I'm being paranoid. She wouldn't, not after yesterday)

I looked imploringly at Shion, though if she saw the pleading denials in my eyes she ignored them.

[Pay attention. Look at what's different here]

As Shion moved eagerly toward us, I realised there was something on her leg that I hadn't seen since I arrived in the facility; a weapons pouch.

(Maybe it's a trick. Maybe there aren't any weapons in there)

[Unlikely that she has the mental capabilities of pulling such a trick in her state - her hair isn't brushed, no make up, she's been crying recently from the state of her eyes. There's a small amount of blood around her nails and signs of a fight from the marks on her arms. Good chance of her forgetting to take her pouch off in her hurry for this]

The time it would take for me to open her pouch and pull out a weapon would be too long, though. I had to get right up close and have her distracted for it to have a chance of working.

She crawled onto the bed in a manner reminiscent of the night before, and sat closer to the pillows while Scarred'n'Scowly and I sat nearer to the end of the bed. For a moment her eyes switched back and forth between us with a kind of avid pleasure that felt sticky.

"Get undressed, Sweet thing," she leaned forward, and my heart dropped. I had no right to feel betrayed by this... but I did. Betrayed and disappointed and, when I saw a complete lack of surprise in Scarred'n'Scowly's face at the command, I felt sick.

I was still for a beat too long, clearly, because her hands shot out impatiently, "Here, let me."

I closed my eyes and let my mind drift backward as my clothes were ungracefully removed from me until I was naked.

"You too," I heard her order Scarred'n'Scowly, "Strip."

My skin broke out in goosebumps and I heard clothes being removed item by item.

"We're playing a game where you both do as I say, and I watch to see who follows my instructions the best."

[Do something]

(I feel weird and floaty)

[If you don't take action, you're going to exacerbate preexisting trauma. Do not forget that there is only one child in this room. Your physical functions are operational. You hold responsibility for what happens next]

(If I do something, it will upset her and I might never escape)

[Priority one is about to be broken; if you do as she says your mental well-being will never recover]

(Might as well kill myself if I don't stop this)

I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't let this happen.

(She's stronger than me)

[She's weak where it counts. Cry]

I allowed my body to express all the horror and anger and sadness and grief that my mind didn't seem capable of. Tears rapidly welled up, I screwed my face up, forced blood up to the surface until I knew my cheeks were lobster red, and wailed.

Harsh sobs wracked my body and my breath choked and stuttered in my lungs as I bawled messily.

"Oh, oh dear. Come here, Sweet thing. I've got you," as always moved by my tears, Shion pulled my naked body in for a tight hug with one hand clutching my head into the curve of her neck and the other rubbing my back, "Everything is alright, beautiful baby. We're going a little fast, huh? Were you a bit overwhelmed? Shh shh."

I sat on her lap and cried and cried, desperately trying to put this off for as long as possible until I figured out a way to stop it all together.

[She won't stop. You know what you have to do]

(Am I really going to do this?)

(What other choice is there that I can live with?)

[Breathe]

I took a deep, shuddering breath, still making distraught noises even as I looked blankly at the wall behind Shion. I shifted, as though to get comfortable, and my foot slipped against the weapons pouch tied to her leg.

With some more subtle fidgeting I held my foot against the opening to her weapons pouch. Thank Kami for my freakishly long finger toes, I thought in false amusement.

A bit of barely there fidgeting and I had the pouch open, even as I sobbed harder in order to distract Kuchisake from my movements.

Loving, soothing words were whispered in my ear as my right foot dipped into the weapons pouch carefully, big toe running lightly over metal until it landed on a familiar ring.

My heartbeat thumped slowly but painfully loud in my head, my toes hooked around either side of the base of the ring and a slow fidget that allowed me to wrap my legs around her waist in order to clutch even closer to her dragged the kunai out the pouch, past Kuchisake's hip and lay close to her back.

My left hand slid round to lie underneath her hairline at the back of her neck, fingers resting against the skin. My right hand reach down at the same time as my right leg lifted up, freeing the kunai from my toes.

The fingers of my left hand lightly and slowly danced on her neck as I counted, and my right hand lifted to aim the kunai.

[7, 6, 5, 4. Cervical vertebrae 4 or under most likely to cause full body paralysis when damaged in order to prevent harmful retaliation during death throes]

(Am I really going to do this?)

[Don't debate. Just do]

I leaned back, looking into pale eyes of the Kuchisake Shion, Ame-Onna, and considered my last words to her.

Her adoring, loving and sympathetic stare faced back at me and I almost said 'I love you'.

Her lips stretched to make her smile too intense and her hold was too restricting as she looked at my naked body with hunger and I almost said 'I hate you'.

[Breathe. Don't give a sign of your intentions]

I channeled a small amount of chakra for speed and strength, and pulled my hand forward.

In the end I said nothing.

* * *

 _I really tried to portray how difficult a choice it is for Sonaru to make that jump in leaving, and how far at this point she actually has to be pushed to be willing to take action. It's all well and good telling yourself in your head one thing, but it can be another thing entirely to put thought into action, and although Sonaru has known that she needs to get out and that what is happening to/around her isn't right it is still very difficult to do something about it when the situation is becoming more and more normalised by prolonged exposure._

 _When in a situation like that, finding a correct balance of desensitisation so that you're not consistently so traumatised and thus have a better chance at survival, but not so far that eventually you normalise what is happening and then risk continuing the cycle of such behaviour by feeding into it, becoming complacent, or replicating it yourself._

 _It's not easy at all, because you have to acknowledge and maintain the validity of your trauma, your pain and fear - which in itself is monumental task while still in the situation causing such feelings - while at the same time not letting it overwhelm you and pushing it to the back burner so that you can focus on creating solutions to change the situation or escape it, allowing you to concentrate on healing at a later date._

 _Anyways, enough of a rant from me. Let me know how this chapter impacted you!_

 _Did you feel Kuchisake was given a fitting end or did she deserve better/worse?_

 _How do you imagine this will play out next?_

 _What do you think about how Sonaru is coping with this all and her subsequent actions?_

* * *

 _For anyone who feels this triggers their own trauma and needs to talk to someone:_

 ** _UK_**

 _Samaritans number (24/7): 116123 -from any phone_

 _Or 0330 094 5717 -local charges apply_

 _Alternatively you can go to: h ttps:/ /www. nhs. uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/ and find whichever helpline you feel most covers your needs. Obviously take out the spaces between the h and t, the two /, and after the two dots._

 ** _USA_**

 _NAMI number (Monday - Friday 10am - 6pm est): 18009506264_

 _Or NMIH number (Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5pm est): (866) 615-6464_

 _My readers are mainly from the US or UK, so I've included those - if you have a better number or just another one you think I should add, pm me or let me know in your review._

 _Also if you believe I should include a number from another country, let me know which country, organisation and what the number is and I'll add it._


	57. Chapter 57

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

As always no beta no editing barely any proof reading.

Okay so after uploading this, I don't know how long it will take because I have to focus on studies, I will be uploading at least two Kakashi chapters before this present chapter, and at least one immediately after this present chapter. These will cover Kakashi's journey, his discoveries and difficulties during Sonaru's kidnapping.

I haven't decided yet, but what I may do is write the first section of next chapter as from Sonaru's perspective and then switch to Kakashi's for the rest of it. Dunno, we'll see.

I don't know if you'll love or hate this chapter or feel meh, but I had a good time writing it.

(This is the most moral, compassionate, vulnerable, concerned, anxious part Sonaru's mental voice)

(this is also Sonaru's mental voice, angrier, selfish, impulsive, more politically incorrect, more nihilistic)

[This is the most logical Shinobi trained part of Sonaru's mental voice]

Thank you so much for awesome reviews, as well as favs and follows! Let me know what works, or what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

* * *

 **Chapter 56 - Burn It Up**

Kuchisake's whole body jerked, a disgusting but weirdly mesmerising wet rattle exited her mouth, the metal point piercing through the front of her throat, blood splashing against my face. Her bloodied mouth froze in its smile, I pulled the kunai free with a crunching slurp sound as more blood drenched my hand and my neck. She slumped to the side, her dimming gaze filled with love.

I stared, my heart pounding and a buzz behind my eye sockets, as blood soaked the white bedding beneath her body in a stunning display. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

(More)

In the back of my brain I sat silently screaming as my heart _hurt_ , but the rest of me wanted to laugh in hysterical triumph. _I'd_ done that.

(I want more)

(Careful. Don't get carried-)

(We have a witness to take care of)

My head snapped over to the remaining person in the room. Scarred'n'Scowly stared at Shion, his face pale white and his body shaking. At my movement he flinched, a frightened grimace creased his cheeks and scrunched his chin.

"Y-you... why..." he stammered, his voice trembling as much as his body.

Tears welled up as he looked at me like I'd betrayed him.

(If he can't see that I saved him then he's a liability)

(Have some heart, he's just seen the closest thing he has to a mother murdered)

(Exactly. She clearly fucked with his head like she tried with me, sexual abusers were often victims growing up. If I leave him here it's almost guaranteed. Best to end him now. It's practically a favour to him. Don't let him become that)

(I don't kill children)

(I didn't kill adults until a few seconds ago)

(No)

"She was going to hurt us really badly," I said, licking my lips afterward and immediately resisting the urge to lick my hands to get more of the delicious taste, "I had to stop her."

"N-no, no you don't understand," he began to shake his head, terror dripped from his words and tears from his eyes, "We do what Kaa-chan says, because everyone else is _worse_. Don't you see what you've done!? You've just made everything worse and we're going to get in so much trouble! We'll be told off by Nagao-taichou and he'll - he'll hurt us so, so bad!" By the end he was almost shrieking, his breathing rapid and shaky.

"We're not getting in trouble because we're getting out of here," I interrupted, trying to sound authoritative, but he was too far gone in his fear already.

"What are you talking about!? YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU CANT EVEN OPEN THE DOORS AND NOW WE'RE BOTH DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU - THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO THERE'S NO ONE LOOKING FOR US THIS IS MY HOME I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTH-"

My hand connected harshly with his cheek in a ringing slap, his screaming fear cut off abruptly.

(I can't believe I just hit a traumatised child)

(I've gone this far, I might as well kill him now)

(Shut the fuck up)

[Preventable death and suffering of children is in conflict with priority one; continued mental faculties. Unexpected mental effects of first kill in immediate aftermath must not be allowed to dictate a temporary failure to consider priorities]

(My morals are so inconvenient)

"Shut up and listen or we really will be dead," I snapped at him, "I know how to get the doors to this place open. What I don't know is how clear the halls are out there. Now I'm getting out of here and you can come with me or stay the fuck here."

His glossy eyes widened disbelievingly at me for a long moment, scanning the rest of my form drenched and splattered with blood. He shook his head more slowly than before, "This is my home."

Pained disappointment tightened my throat, but I swallowed over it and nodded. I couldn't afford to take a kid with me who was just going to be an intentional liability the whole time. If he wasn't willing to escape with me, I didn't have the skill or strength to force him.

"Fine," I shook my head and quickly pulled the first clothes in the drawers on; a small dress and shorts on. Tightening my tacky grip on the kunai, I turned determinedly to face Kuchi- the dead body. I needed to get that hand onto the handle of the door, and while I could drag the whole body and lift it with a bit of struggle, I certainly couldn't drag a dead body to the front gates.

[You only need the right hand]

(That's sick)

[It's practical]

I grimaced and muttered, "This is going to be gross," I crawled toward the body, my knees, shins and last clean hand getting stained red by the soaked cover and mattress. I ignored the fact that the slick blood squelching against my fingers felt pleasant and critically eyed the wrist.

Kunai weren't exactly designed for sawing entire limbs off and I pursed my lips in annoyance. Maybe I could slice away at most of the wrist and then snap the bones by applying momentum and force perpendicular to the bones. How much force was required to snap the wrist bones, though?

I shrugged to myself, I'd just err on the side of caution and put all my strength into it - plus maybe there was some ninja wire in her weapons pouch to help. I leaned over and removed her weapons pouch from her leg, emptying it out on the bed.

"What are you doing? That's Kaa-chan's," Scarred'n'Scowly challenged tremulously.

"She doesn't need it. I do," I replied shortly, briefly glancing at him. I frowned at goosebumps still covering his skin and the shivers wracking his form, "You should get dressed."

He ignored me, holding himself tighter. I didn't bother repeating myself. I eyed the contents with dissatisfaction - one more kunai, around eight metres of ninja wire, two senbon and ... lipgloss. I unscrewed the lipgloss hoping for perhaps a poison in disguise and gave the stick a sniff. Nope, just plain old lipgloss. No exploding tags.

I sighed in frustration but got on with slicing at the body's wrist. The blade edge drew a deep line into the skin with ease, blood burbling up to trickle down onto the sheet below and get my hands even bloodier.

Frowning in concentration, I focussed on not slipping and slicing my palm open, and achieving something that wasn't a completely hacked open wreck.

It was surprisingly time consuming. There wasn't just skin and flesh and bone to deal with, things were stringy and stretchy and fiddly to cut through. It was just a big bloody, slippery mess.

Finally I had a flayed, ragged ruin of a wrist and two scratched up bones to snap through. Scarred'n'Scowly had early on to vomit in the bathroom and I was fairly certain he'd missed the bowl. He hadn't returned since.

I haphazardly wiped the worst of the blood off my hands and onto the small amount of white still peeking through the bed sheet, turning to consider the last step. Ideally, I would have separated the hand from the arm at the thinnest part of the wrist where lots of delicate joints could have pressure applied in the wrong direction - the risk with that was my lack of knowledge about the exact location of the thing (implant?) in Kuchisake that allowed her to open the doors.

I'd had to cut a little further up the arm and I wasn't sure how much was force was required to snap a bone. I vaguely remembered that it was about 4000 Newtons of pressure to snap an adult femur, but people in this life were able to withstand something that would have killed the people in my original world and walk away with mere bruises - they were built much hardier.

Wrapping the ninja wire around the body allowed me to more easily heft the unwieldy mass off the soaked sheets and flop gracelessly onto the floor. The wire cut into exposed flesh, leaving incredibly clear evidence of my actions on the floor in the form of big red drag marks. I heaved the body across the room until I arrived at the hated metal chest and lifted the lid. Some work with a kunai and chakra allowed me to pry the front edge of the lid into a sharp jagged hazard, before I tied the right arm in place so that the exposed bones slotted directly on the lip of the chest.

I crawled up the wall behind the metal chest, lifted the lid toward me, took a deep breath, and then shoved myself with chakra enforced strength. The weaponised lid slammed shut with a deafening bang and a sharp crack, immediately followed by the thunk of a hand falling inside the chest and the slump of the body no longer held up by the wrist.

Quickly jumping off the lid, I opened the chest and revealed the treasure - the completely severed hand that was my ticket out of here. The ninja wire had been cut by the metal chest and the longest bit was now just under seven metres. Not wanting any to go to waste, I took the smaller wire, tied it around the wrist and then tied the whole thing around my neck to serve as the most macabre pendant.

Pleased with my arts and crafts skills, I looked at the collapsed corpse and, out of consideration for Scarred'n'Scowly, proceeded to do a hack job of stuffing the dead body in the chest. I carefully bent the metal back into shape as much as possible so that I could properly close the thing, then I locked it shut with a decisive click.

"Time to get out of here," I murmured to myself, collecting the weapons and putting them back in the pouch to wear. I approached the door, climbing up the wall to reach the handle and keeping a wary nose out for anyone on the other side, nervously grasping the cool limb at my throat.

I lifted the hand, and with barely a moment's hesitation, placed it on the handle of the door, guided the dead fingers to curled around the handle, and pulled down.

The handle locked up half way.

My pulse picked up and sweat began to bead on the back of my neck, "Come on, you fucker," I hissed desperately. I lifted my clammy hand and tried again with more force. The handle stuck again. It was still locked.

Sweat beaded on my forehead and nose, and my pulse raged in panic. No, I had checked through every memory I had, and fucking _everyone_ opened the doors with their right hand. I was right! I knew I was right so why the _fuck_. _Was the. Door. Not fucking. OPENING!?_

Jiggling the door over and over again with increasing force proved to be futile, and I allowed myself to slip to the ground with an enraged and defeated sob.

My breath rasped in and out of my throat as I held back the urge to cry, and stared at the door in hatred.

"This should have worked," I croaked, with a shake of my head, "why _doesn't this FUCKING WORK!_ " My voice rose to a scratchy scream and I bared my teeth at the door, at the facility, at everyone past that door who I just wanted to drop dead.

[All successful attempts at opening doors have included living limbs]

"It's got to be the presence of chakra... or... or heat, or a pulse," I guessed, sounding like I was begging.

A horrible thought occurred to me that it only worked with the person's specific chakra. But no, if they had technology that registered an individual's chakra and then switched on because of it, the civilian medical staff here would be fucked. The technology didn't exist to register such minute amounts in passive form. But this meant that it couldn't be chakra at all that was required for it to work.

It had to be pulse or heat emission; one of which I couldn't make a severed hand do.

My brain fuzzed in panic at how long I'd already taken to get out of the room and a clock mockingly ticked away in my thoughts.

I grit my teeth and glared at the severed hand, enraged by how difficult step one of escaping was turning out to be because of this stupid thing. With nothing else to do, unless I was willing to immerse the fucking thing in hot water until it warmed up and hope that worked, I recklessly shoved as much chakra as I could out of my hand.

I could feel it sluggishly fill the hand and then just linger aimlessly. God _damn it!_ Frightened rage fill me as I tried and struggled and failed to make my chakra do anything of use to the hand. I wanted to _murder and wreck_ something. I hated this place! I hated this hand! It should all just go _fucking die_ in a big fiery explosion!

I wordlessly howled in blind rage when my chakra slipped out of my grasp again and squeezed the useless hand viciously. My vision sharpened, tinted ever so slightly red, and I smelt bloody tears ooze down my face at the activation of my Ketsuryūgan.

I felt my blood stronger than ever. Without another thought, I snarled and forced the blood drops to land on the severed hand, directing them to enter the limb and cycle through it like regular blood. I was almost surprised when my blood did so.

With only a half cocked idea and filled with fury, a grabbed a kunai and slashed along my forearm. Before the blood that rapidly pooled out of my wound could start dripping onto the floor, I threw all my willpower and seething anger behind my command of it to enter the dead limb.

My mind bent under the strain of forcing such a large amount, but I hissed in determination and glared at the blood until I could feel my pulse in my eyes. The blood slowly cooperated, and before my almost disbelieving sight bit by bit it drained into the hand around my neck.

The hand warmed, unnoticeable at first, and then quicker, until it all but felt like a living hand. Before I lost my concentration, I scrambled up the wall and slammed the palm down on the handle.

Nothing.

"COME ON!" I roared, "PULSE!"

My eyes and brain were starting to hurt and I felt overheated, but I forced the blood, in time to my own rapid heart beat, to cycle through the hand like a closed circuit. As soon as the blood reached the wrist, instead of pouring out of the limb, it would re enter through the arteries.

" _Open up you fucking piece of shit!_ " I spat. Once more I closed the now warm and lightly pulsing hand around the handle, and pushed down.

There was no resistance. My chest heaved and my pulse skipped. I almost sobbed in victory, but as soon as my emotions began to slide toward the positive, control of the blood began to slip through my fingers again.

"No!" I snapped, pissed off once more, and sharpened my focus.

I cracked open the door, taking a few cautious sniffs. My nose wrinkled in disgust and I pulled my head back sharply - there was no one nearby, but that weird smell in the air was stronger and definitely unpleasant.

Keeping all my senses tuned up as much as I could, while still concentrating on cycling my blood through the hand, I held onto the kunai I'd used to slice into myself and with only a brief, regretful, glance toward the shut bathroom door through which I could hear pitiful sniffles, I took a deep breath and swiftly began to run.

My journey through the labyrinth of corridors passed in the most stressful haze of my entire life, every minute noise had my hackles bristling and I almost stabbed a wall at one point when I thought I saw something start to shift, only to realise it was just a light that had flickered.

I turned a corner and suddenly halted. The external blood that I had been more and more aware of as I ran had started to slide ever so slightly back.

[Nagao's office is the other way]

(Fuck Nagao, I'm not going anywhere near him)

I hesitated.

[Leaving such obvious biological matter behind is unadvised. High chance of having negative future consequences]

I didn't want to leave the hair or blood or spit behind, but there was no way I could take him on.

(He scares me)

[He underestimates you more than Kuchisake. Hide the hand and play the distressed child]

"Nagao-taichou, please, it's Kaa-chan, she's been hurt. There was a boy, and she told him to take his clothes off, but he had a knife and he stabbed her. Please help her, she's this way," I whispered, playing out the scene in my head.

It didn't need to hold up to scrutiny for more than a few seconds. Just long enough for me to taze him and then kill him.

I swallowed, looking back at the corner I'd just turned.

(Am I really going to do this?)

[Don't think. Just breathe and act]

I took a breath, and then turned around, my heart thumping painfully.

I followed the path to Nagao's office, my awareness of the blood in those vials getting stronger with every step until it almost rivalled the blood in the hand.

I slowed down once I saw his door, tilting my head this way and that as I listened, all while sniffing the increasingly foul smelling air.

"Please don't be in there," I whispered, lifting a shaking hand to the limb. It had become mottled with black bruises and I realised that my control wasn't fine enough to keep the blood within the veins, arteries and capillaries - they were damaging the circulatory system of the hand and spilling out under the skin. I probably only had a set amount of time before the thing was damaged enough not to work at all.

I slowly, quietly, pulled the handle down, opening the door by the tiniest amount that I could. Immediately my nose was met with a familiar and tantalising scent - there was blood in there, and a lot of it.

I detected no movement though - not even breathing - and carefully peeked my head around.

Nagao lay sprawled on the floor in front of his desk. The chairs were tipped aside and broken and there was a pool of blood underneath him that had soaked into the carpet.

Sticking out of his neck and deep in his eye socket were Shion's hairpins.

I swallowed, staring at the body of a man I felt nothing but contempt for, remembering the way Shion had twitched when she'd mentioned his name and her body had shown signs of combat. She'd killed him - but why? Shion was an emotionally driven creature, and I had seen with my own eyes the regard she'd had for Nagao... she valued him more than anyone else in the facility including herself.

Well - except for me. It felt as though electricity jolted through my system at that thought; had Kuchisake killed Nagao for me? To... protect me somehow? She'd promised me she would never let him hurt me, but I hadn't ever really believed her. My control over my blood in the hand slipped, and blood began to rapidly ooze out of it to stain my clothes even further.

I clutched at the hand hanging over my sternum, and something that felt disconcertingly like guilt begin to build a heavy ball in my stomach.

(Maybe she just wanted more time so she could make me fuck a kid)

[Breathe. Focus]

With a sneer I shook my head to clear my thoughts of useless theories, I didn't have the time and I now had the issue of trying to recreate the pulse in the severed hand when I reached the front door. I took a deep breath, my fingers spasming as my senses were suffused with blood, and then approached Nagao's body to see if there was anything of use on him.

It only took a brief pat down before I rocked back on the balls of my feet with a frustrated huff, annoyed that the man followed his own rules of no weapons in the facility. It didn't seem like him not to ensure he had power over everyone else in this way. Nevertheless, I moved on to finding the samples taken from me and figuring out how to destroy them.

It took me less than a minute to follow my connection to my blood and find the right drawer the case had been placed inside. When I opened the case up I saw that there were samples for many children, not just mine. My jaw clenched in anger at the sight, and I felt the strong urge to destroy every single sample. I just didn't have the time.

Taking the hair out, I used a tiny Katon jutsu - the only one that I knew, which barely produced a candle sized flame - generally designed for campfires to save on supplies that were required for areas when using chakra was too risky, and burn the hair until it had withered and crumbled. My nose wrinkled at the foul smell, but to be honest it wasn't all that much worse than the smell already in the air that was beginning to seep it's way into the blood suffused room.

The cheek swabs went the same way as the hair, and then I was staring at ten vials of blood. How did I get rid of it to ensure that not even a drop could be recovered?

(Bet it tastes delicious)

(I'm not drinking it. That's weird, and I know I'm only looking for a poor excuse to do so)

(Well I won't find a better excuse than this. It's not like it's someone else's. I've done it before)

(That wasn't straight out drinking it, that was licking. It's different)

[Drink it]

I hesitated for a moment, and then shrugged and opened the vial in my hand. With a small grimace I tipped my head my head back and quickly swallowed the cold liquid. The sensation of it transitioning from separate to one with the blood in my body was surprisingly pleasant, and the strong taste left on my tongue was better than chocolate.

(Sacrilege)

I had no difficulty swallowing the other nine vials of blood, little shivers running across my skin as I did so.

[Check the drawers and cupboards for anything useful]

Before I left the room, I did a quick scan of the contents of the cupboards - no weapons but I did find a small bag of supplies that would serve me well when I was out of this place and trying to get back home - and then rifled through he remaining drawers. I almost glanced over them as just another stack of paper, but then my brain registered what my eyes had seen and my gaze shot back to the explosive tags.

(Subaru wants Big Boom*)

I grinned savagely and grabbed them all to go in the weapons pouch, eyeing the ink and brush for moment before stuffing that in the bag. Checking that there was nothing else I could find a good use for, I quickly made my exit, kunai back in my grip. I was barely five steps out of Nagao's office when my brain annoyingly reminded me of my medical files still within the facility.

I stopped and grit my teeth, "Are you fucking kidding me."

(I just want to get out of here)

[Potential future fallout for leaving medical files behind could be disastrous. Treat this like a mission. Breathe]

I shakily inhaled, clenching harshly around the kunai until it hurt and then squared my shoulders.

"Fuck it," I sighed, fear and anger warring each other in my voice.

The familiar path to the room filled with files told me one thing - there was no shinobi walking around, only medical. Medical staff were easy enough to hear coming and avoid with plenty of time. I had a shorter time span to avoid a shinobi not intending to mask their footsteps - there were none of those walking around anywhere close to me. I wondered if there were any shinobi at the facility left at all; it was difficult to tell with the increasingly unpleasant smell in the air but I was fairly sure that the footfall in the corridors was significantly decreased in the last day.

It didn't take me long before I was in front of a familiar glitchy door, impatiently applying pressure and counting down. It was less than two minutes before the door unlocked by itself and I opened it.

I hadn't thought to check if there was someone inside before I did so. Five unwelcome presences met my sight - five incredibly familiar female faces, and Ike's dulcet bitch-tones.

Chou began to turn to see who had entered and I had less than a second to react.

[Shut the door to delay panicked escape. No witnesses]

I kicked the door shut behind me and launched forward, my kunai sinking up into Chou's neck and yanking messily out just as she made eye contact with me, I fell to the floor with the momentum of the gushing body and rolled forward to spring off again. Mari managed a flinch and a shocked inhale before I knocked her down, gripping her neck to maintain balance and my kunai slipping multiple times rapidly between her ribs.

Screams had begun by that point, and a flash of teal hair running past me had me lashing out with a chakra enhanced punch at her knee, making the joint collapse in sideways. She fell to the ground with an agonised wail that cut off with a crunch when her prominent nose met the floor.

I easily ducked the computer monitor Miyako threw at my head in a panic, pushing off Mari, sliding the blade into Miyako's abdomen and opening it up for her intestines to half slip out. I turned to Ike, who had taken advantage of my focus on Miyako to make for the door with a terrified noise, and just as she grabbed the handle I threw the kunai. It hit the back of her neck and sank in up to the hilt as she gurgled and choked, slumping against the door before sliding down it.

Yanking the kunai out of Ike, I went back to cradle the teal covered head and swiftly pierced her throat before she could wake up in pain and start making noises.

For long seconds I just stood there panting, fresh blood overlaid old blood. Sticking my clothes to my skin, staining my exposed limbs, painting my face and clumping my hair. It was on my tongue, in my nose, tacky between my toes and slick on my fingers.

It felt good.

(Six kills today. That's not good)

(I disagree. It was me or them. It was good for me)

(I'll become something I don't like if I'm not careful)

(I was always going to become a killer in this world. It was inevitable)

(I shouldn't revel in it)

(So I should feel bad? Don't be absurd. This is the new normal. It's okay to feel good doing this)

(Just don't get carried away)

[Balance is imperative but something that must be prioritised at a later date. Focus. Breathe]

I took a breath, shuddering in delight at the red taste in the air, and then focussed on finding my medical files.

It was clear with a brief sweep of my eyes that the women had been packing the files into boxes to be transported before I'd arrived. I scanned the half empty shelves hoping I wouldn't have to dig through the boxes to find what I was looking for. Thankfully I spotted my medical file fairly quickly, taking it down and flipping through it to ensure everything was inside.

It was only then that I realised my file wasn't going to fit in either of the bags. I'd have to destroy it, and that was going to take a while to ensure every bit of paper burned.

"For fucks sake," I hissed, anger building in my chest. Maybe there was a way I could stuff down my pants or something without hindering my movement. I couldn't think of one, though.

As I was thinking, my eyes landed on the scroll labelled Kuchisake. A scroll, unlike a file, could be tied to my back.

My gaze lingered, but I tugged it away to focus on the issue. Maybe I could just... blow up the file. How would I ensure every bit of it was destroyed, though? It'd have to be a damn powerful explosion, bigger than what the exploding tags could produce.

An explosion that large could also attract attention and, with Downsizing today being a thing I was supposed to be a part of, attention was the last thing I needed.

I spotted the last computer still plugged in and switched on, and the thought crept into my mind that I would probably be able to find something on Downsizing within the files on there.

It was pointless curiosity if I was going to be gone soon anyway. Whether I knew what it was or not wasn't really going to affect me.

Scarred'n'Scowly and Little Heart Wrencher flashed through my mind. It would certainly affect them, though. I remembered Hiroshi claiming that perhaps it was better Kenta was executed for falsifying documents than being around for Downsizing.

I kicked myself mentally, even as I felt myself drawn to the computer and sit down.

(What the fuck am I doing. Get out of here)

The computers were difficult to navigate compared to what I was used to, and that was almost enough to make me give up immediately, but apparently someone had been on the file regarding 'Operation Downsizing' recently which allowed me to find it eventually.

(Don't read it. Knowing won't make anything better. Just run)

My hands were clammy with nerves, making the blood on my palms tacky again and getting the mouse even more smudged with dark red.

I skim read the information, slowing down and going back over it again when I realised it wasn't written in laymen's terms.

The more I read, the more I could feel the blood drain from my face.

 _Intel received... Intel confirmed. Enemy shinobi scouted... Approaching facility location in sweeping pattern...Orders for facility evacuation... Military relocation... Data for medical research progress sent to base... Orders for evacuation of medical personnel... Orders for new medical subjects... Smaller sample size initiating next phase of research... Orders for current sample... Physical copies of promising biology to include blood, hair... Test subjects will have no further use... Ordered solution for test subjects is 4.b: Project Downsizing... Disposal of test subjects... Groups of five removed from dorms... severed tendons ensures cooperation... Euthanasia via poison dipped senbon... by blade for subjects with poison immunity... burn physical evidence... Doton jutsu for remnants left of remains...Timeline estimated at three weeks... Enemy contact with base estimated at four weeks._

They were going to kill all the kids... sever the tendons so they couldn't run and then poison them... before burning the bodies and burying the remains under the ground.

My capacity to plan and calculate and strategise failed me at that point. All I knew was that I had to get as many out as possible. If they were taking five at a time from their rooms, I had a chance of getting a fair number out of here. I wouldn't be able to save all of them, but I'd settle for even a single life.

I didn't think about how I was going to get their doors open, or how the hell I was going to get their cooperation, or how I would get a rabble of kids out of the facility without anyone noticing.

I just ran, barely remembering to tuck my medical file under my arm and, for reasons I didn't understand, grabbing the Kuchisake scroll and placing the strap over my chest so that it lay diagonally across my back.

I'd never been to the area of the facility that the children were kept in, but I knew where it was. I didn't bother with stealth, and my feet slapped wetly against the floor - undoubtedly leaving a trail of red streaks behind me. My wet feet had me slipping around the corners and shoulder checking the walls as I went, leaving more red streaks along the wall and hand prints where I'd hurriedly steadied myself.

I didn't think of how in my state I was leaving myself vulnerable to attack, I was a being of pure panic and horror. _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_ chanted through my mind, though refused to clarify more than that.

The race to the children's dorms felt far too long, but by far not long enough. As long as I didn't reach the rooms, they were schrödinger's cats.

Eventually, I turned the corner to the first corridor of rooms, panting, and abruptly stopped. All of the doors were open, and there wasn't a sign of life. Anxious tears welled in my eyes and I gripped the kunai harshly as I forced my legs to move. Maybe this was a corridor that the military kids used before they were moved. Maybe everyone medical had been kept further along... maybe the ringing silence was just because their doors were still shut.

The smell in the air had become heavy, and as I turned corner after to corner to face corridors filled with abandoned rooms my brain kept insisting at me that I should be able to identify it. I'd never smelled it before but, as it came to lie as a thick film across my tongue and down my throat, my instincts were shrieking that I should _know._

My denial died the moment I walked past a room and spotted an unmistakable mangy ribbon on the floor. Cold flushed through my veins at sight and my brain filled with static as I stared at Little Heart Wrencher's dirty ribbon.

Robotically, I entered the room, staring at the ribbon that the tiny, dimpled little girl never would have left behind.

One after the other I forced my knees to unlock to bend down, picking up the frayed material and twining it around my shaking fingers. I felt stuck in that moment, unwilling to move past my acknowledgment of the forgotten ribbon to reach the next conclusion.

The light in the room dimmed and my head snapped up, fearful that someone was standing in the doorway, only to belatedly realise that the room was mostly lit by natural means. There was a window, far too high up to see anything of consequence out of and not visible from outside the room.

Having been forcibly pulled out of my frozen state, I sniffed and wiped my face - unsure when I had started crying. My skin had become uncomfortably stiff with dried blood, but I ignored it as I walked up the wall toward the window to see if it would show me anything of use.

I carefully peered out and then immediately wished I hadn't.

I could see the courtyard that led to the front gates, with most of the medical personnel out there heading away from the building and I assumed toward the gates - though I couldn't see them - their arms filled with boxes of files and personal belongings. That wasn't what caught my eye, though. I was captivated with horror that rose in my throat by the large flaming pyramid of small, limp, fragile bodies, fed by the only two shinobi I could see still around - one aiming a katon jutsu at the sickening pyre and the other adding the children.

The shinobi bent down and a noise that could only be called a keen left my lips as he easily lifted a tiny form from a distressingly large pile, blood streaking the backs of the little legs -where a kunai had ensured there would be no running away- and the almost doll sized chest from the deep neck wound, and effortlessly hefted the lifeless child into the air, her gut wrenchingly familiar bald head stark as her rag doll body flailed, falling crumpled onto the burning nightmare.

My vision, my chest heaved and my chakra wobbled. I slipped, falling to the floor, barely having the mind to tuck and roll correctly so that I didn't break something or stab myself. I didn't stand back up, kneeling hunched over on the floor as the the foul smell of burning children and images I cursed my brain for never being able to forget tormented me.

Why? Just... _why_?! How could they all carry on unblinkingly as such an atrocity took place!?

This was wrong. This was so so fucking wrong. This place... these people - it was all so inhuman.

I rocked, nails digging into the floor below me, barely recognising my own voice as I groaned in pain and lament. My heart _hurt_.

All I'd wanted was to save one child.

"Just one," I sobbed to myself.

Grief, shame, disgust and loathing choked me, rising in my throat until I pitched forward and vomited. For long minutes I sobbed and dry heaved my heart ache onto the floor until my whole body trembled and ached.

(I need to get my shit together. I don't have time for an emotional breakdown)

(I can't just walk away like nothing happened)

(What choice is there?)

I sat back, futilely wiping my face of the mess, trying to get my breathing back under control so that I could hear past the staccato beat thundering in my ears.

My emotions attempted to wash over me overwhelmingly multiple times, but I managed to claw my control back bit by bit until my chest was merely hitching every few breaths.

I allowed myself a minute of calm, still feeling cold and sick. I stared down at my hand as I sniffed, absently, rubbing the ribbon clutched there between my thumb and finger and viciously holding back the tears that wanted to rise again. The images I had seen cut through my empty thoughts and squeezed my eyes shut, my fist clenching around the ragged material.

Warmth sparked in my stomach, combatting the helpless torment that stormed inside. It smouldered, and got warmer with each breath. Hot outrage flushed through my limbs and then only got hotter.

I opened my eyes again, my whole body beginning to shake as I stared at the ribbon and outrage blazed into rage.

 _How dare they._

 _They don't deserve to live._

 _I'm going to make them hurt._

(Just save one)

(Burn this place to the ground)

(It will make me feel better)

[You have the required knowledge of the building structure, traps and fuuinjutsu. Doing so could serve as a sufficient distraction in order to escape]

With an inferno of hatred racing through me, fresh blood leaking from my tear ducts as my Ketsuryūgan activated, I reached into the weapons pouch and pulled out the stack of exploding tags, followed by the inks and brush from the supplies bag. I was still a beginner when it came to fuuinjutsu, but exploding tags was something I knew intimately.

* * *

I tore through the corridors, mentally counting in my head and praying I'd left myself enough time for the detour. Using the rage that heated my veins, I took the kunai in my hand and slashed another line open on my forearm, bending the blood that escaped forcefully to my will and into the blackened, swollen hand in time to my heart beat then hurriedly pushed down on the door handle.

It slammed open and I raced into the room, heading straight to the bathroom when I saw the bedroom was empty. The bathroom door smacked open with a bang, making the scared, pale looking boy inside jump and shriek, his eyes widening in fear when he saw me.

"Come on, we have to go," I barked at him.

He stared unblinkingly, shaking, and took a step back away from me, almost whining, "Your eyes...they're red. What... that-that's Kaa-chan's hand isn't it. _No_ , you're a monster leave me alone."

"If I leave you here, you're going to die," I snapped, holding my hand out demandingly, "If you come with me you have a chance."

A confused sobbing noise escaped him as he trembled in his underwear, "This is my home. I can't leave."

"It's going to be blown to bits in minutes. In a big fiery explosion. You have to be outside by then or you're going to be killed!"

Scarred'n'Scowly shook his head, "You're lying... I don't believe you... you..." I saw the moment he noticed what was in my left hand, his eyes widening, "Where did you get that?!"

I squeezed the ribbon and rasped, "Everyone is dying out there. Nagao is dead, Miyako's medical team is dead and all the other kids have died too. They're killing everyone and if we don't leave, we're next. They have a list... a list of names of all the kids they're going to kill. I saw it. Hiroshi told me there are one hundred thirteen kids in this facility left not including me. There are one hundred thirteen names on that list and mine isn't one of them. That means you're on it. You have to come with me."

He scowled wetly at me and argued shrilly, "You just want to get me in trouble! You're going to be punished for breaking the rules and killing Kaa-chan and you want to drag me into it so you can share the blame! I'm not falling for it!"

I snarled in frustration, we didn't have _time_ for this and there was no fucking way I was leaving this kid behind after what I'd seen.

(Just one)

I darted forward and grabbed his wrist, dragging the boy behind me as he squawked and struggled, not expecting to find that I could physically overpower him without too much trouble.

Storming over to the blood soaked bed surrounded by little red puddles, I turned furiously to the scarred bald boy.

"Shut up and listen to me!" I shouted, silencing him in shock. I gestured angrily to the brutal scene, "Look! Look at this! Even if I was lying, do you think anyone is going to believe that I did this by myself? You were the only other person in the room. If I'm going to punished then you're also going to be punished just as harshly."

"B-but," his voice thickened with fear, "I'll tell them you did it-"

"And I'll tell them _you_ made me. It's my word against yours and everyone knows how close Kaa-chan and I were so who are they going to believe? Me or you?"

His face managed to drain of what little colour it had, his mouth going open and close while terror filled his features.

I slapped my hand into one of the cold, congealing pools of blood, soaking the dirty ribbon, then snatched his hand back in my grip, lifting it between us. Blood drooled messily between our hands, down our wrists.

"You might not have killed her, but they'll believe your hands are just as responsible as mine. They won't keep us alive if they think we might kill other adults. It's too risky. I'm the only one left who can help you. We're tied together now, it's just you and me," I squeezed his hand tightly as he stared with conflicted uncertainty at our joined limbs, "Now keep your mouth shut and follow me, and we might get out of here with our hearts still beating."

Scarred'n'Scowly met my eyes unconfidently, but said nothing to contradict me. Good enough. I pulled him unresistingly out the room, wishing we had time to get changed or at least grab some clothes. As soon as we cleared the doorway I began to run - significantly slower than I was capable but I could tell I was pulling him as fast as he could go.

Twisting and turning through the labyrinth of corridors unhesitatingly, yanking the arm I was holding forward every time he slowed down to catch his breath.

 _No time, no time_.

The approach to the front doors was marked by the stench in the air becoming almost overwhelming, and I wished I was wearing my face mask. Just as we reached the last door before the exit I swerved toward it, dropping Scarred'n'Scowly's hand to pick up the bloated hand hanging off my neck. Opening the door, I grabbed the young boy's wrist and dragged him inside behind me, closing the door almost all the way.

Turning to the door, I peeked through the sliver and carefully listened, counting in my head. The panting and wheezing behind me paused for a moment and I hushed him before Scarred'n'Scowly could say anything.

Seconds later there was a loud _BOOM_ and the building shook.

I observed tensely as there were a few seconds of shocked silence, and then shouting started up outside. I heard the sound of stamping feet, one pair much quicker than the others, as those nearby ran toward the building.

Moments before the first pair of feet charged inside, I noticed with dismay that fractures in the skin of the hand hanging down my neck were rapidly appearing, blood beginning to ooze out. As though there was some sort of parasite living underneath in the flesh, the blackened bloated skin began to bulge and writhe grotesquely.

I took a step away from the door and turned my back to it, distracted from the thundering feet of medical running past in a panic to see what had exploded.

The fractures turned to splits and, almost reminiscent of the memorable chestburster aliens, the bulging writhing skin got more and more violent, Scarred'n'Scowly's terrified gaze as captivated as my own. Finally, with a noise that wasn't quite a pop and wasn't quite a squelch, the hand burst.

We both jumped as blood and little pieces of skin and flesh splattered both of us. After a moment of staring at where the hand had just been, I looked up at the wan, sickly looking child. I felt a brief surge of guilt over how traumatic this whole day was probably going to be to him, but I didn't have time to try to comfort him.

People were still running past, but not as many as before and I knew we had to be ready to move quickly. I wordlessly grabbed his hand again, and slowly inching toward the door to peek. I didn't have to wait for very long before the last set of footsteps was approaching the front doors, and time was up.

Darting out into the corridor, I saw the overweight man just entering the building and threw the kunai before he could do anything more than widen his eyes at the sight of me. The blade struck true, sinking into his left eye right up to the hilt and smacking his head back against the open doors, his body falling to the ground and preventing the door from closing.

I didn't allow myself a sigh of relief that it had worked, because I still had to get past the shinobi that had remained outside.

Tugging the boy behind me, I went to fetch the kunai with careful haste and then peered outside. The courtyard was empty beside the shinobi who had stayed to maintain the pyre, and thankfully he was mostly focussed on his job, but that wasn't going to continue once he sighted us. There was nowhere decent to hide between the doors and the gates at the far end, except for the large boxes that had been dropped in everyone's hurry to get inside.

Swallowing nervously, I waited until he was mid jutsu and then hissed, "Come on, duck low and move quietly."

I silently scampered down the steps, almost wincing at the comparatively noisy movements of the boy, and quickly hid behind the closest box - barely large enough to hide us both even making ourselves as small as possible.

When I glanced at the boy, he was facing the direction of the pyre, his breath shaky and his face creased with agony.

"Hey!" I quietly snapped, "Don't look at it." I gave his arm a short yank to grab his attention, his eyes sliding reluctantly toward me.

"Look," I pointed insistently, he slowly turned his head in the direction I pointed at, "See that big cluster of boxes over there? We have a minute and ten seconds to get there. That's the safe zone. Keep your eyes on it."

I checked the shinobi, who had stopped breathing fire to throw a body on the pile. My heart twisted with sick rage and I turned away, crouching low and running to the next box.

"He's going to see us," the scared whisper tickled my ear. I looked over my shoulder at the frightened child and nodded.

"I know, it'll be okay." Hopefully.

Tense seconds were spent timing our movements to duck behind boxes, and I felt like I was in some kind of horrific video game simulation. We passed the pyre and the lone shinobi and were about forty feet from the cluster of boxes when I breathed out shakily.

"Okay, time's up. When I say so, run straight for the safe zone, okay? Don't stop and don't slow down no matter what," I ordered.

"W-What?! But he'll see us!"

"I know. But we have to take the risk. We're still too close to the building."

"No, no! You're going to get us k-"

" _Run!_ " I sharply interrupted, moving forward as fast as I could allow for the both of us, giving him no choice. Within moments a shout went up behind us, and intimidatingly fast steps pounded after us.

My heart thudded rabbit-fast in my ears and the back of my neck tingled with fear as the shinobi got closer.

We made it to the boxes and turned. The large man was seconds away. I shoved Scarred'n'Scowly forcefully down behind the box and met the man's eyes as he slowed, believing us to be as good as caught. He looked disbelieving at the sight of us, of me covered in wet and dried blood and dōjutsu active and still alive.

His face blanked into resolution, he opened his mouth, and the countdown in my head reached zero, I dropped and covered my head with my arms.

The building exploded in a beautiful display of destruction, at least thirty two people inside. The concussive force still sent both of us tumbling, and less than a second later every exploding tag I'd placed behind the boxes we'd hidden behind exploded too - including the one less than five metres from the shinobi.

I didn't wait to admire the devastation I'd caused, knowing there were people on the other side of the gates who could soon be arriving to check out what was going on. We needed to be gone before then. I coughed and once more reached out to hold Scarred'n'Scowly's hand.

"We need to go. Get up," I pulled demandingly until the boy staggered upright, a small cut on his temple from where he'd been knocked over. He stared in incredulous awe at the flaming, crumbled wreck that was his once home, before I made him turn away as we stumbled toward the gates post-haste.

The air was thick with smoke, ash and dust and I struggled not to splutter or cough as we moved.

"How are you going to open the gates?" Scarred'n'Scowly croaked at me, descending into coughing afterward. I grimaced and didn't reply.

I'd figure it out. Whether I had to walk up them carrying the kid with me, or failing that turn back and sever the limb of the shinobi we'd left behind us in hopes he had access, or wait until someone entered the gates next and kill them while the gates were open... I'd just have to go with whichever method most suited.

When we reached the final barrier between us and freedom, I stopped to allow the bald boy to catch his breath as I approached warily, looking for traps.

The sound of a door opening had me jolting, adrenaline bursting through me as I snapped round to the source of the noise. There was a disguised door in the wall by the gates, and I kicked myself for not thinking of some kind of guard posted near the entrance to the facility grounds.

I faltered when Hiroshi stepped forward, his puzzled features otherwise impassive as his eyes flicked between me, Scarred'n'Scowly and the destruction left in my wake.

Despite all the death I'd caused today, my chest tightened at the thought of killing this man, whom, regardless of my desires, I still felt an understanding and bond with. My hand gripped the kunai resolutely. I'd do it, though, if I had to.

Our gazes connected and held. Mine challenging, if uncertain, and his unreadable. It held for tense, stretched out seconds, before he broke it and turned his head toward the gates.

Without a word he approached the large barriers then, almost casually, lifted his hand to the left one. A short moment afterward, it swung open with a creaking groan. He stepped back, and then with one last lingering glance at me, that seemed a combination of wistfulness, fondness and regret, he left - treading the path away from the facility that clearly everyone else had used going by the worn tracks.

I watched after him, stunned frozen and entirely unsure of what to think.

"Is he going to get others?" The raspy voice shocked me back to my senses and turned to Scarred'n'Scowly, who was living up to his nickname as he also watched Hiroshi leave.

"I don't know," I replied, "It doesn't matter. We have to assume we'll be followed and cover as much ground as possible."

"Where are we going?" He asked, dubiously, though without any of his usual confidence and his face was still pale with the shock of today's events underneath the dirt, ash and blood.

I didn't tell him that I had no idea where we were, let alone where we were going. I didn't tell him that I had no clue how to navigate by whatever landmarks we might come across, or by the sun or stars. I didn't tell him that my survival skills for situations that required living off what the land could provide while on the run were severely undeveloped, even without being limited to a weeks worth of supplies at most, two senbon, two kunai, four exploding tags, under seven metres of ninja wire and a clan scroll. I _certainly_ didn't tell him that without my crystal clear memory to rely on, I could go down a single street with a bend in the middle and get lost by the time I was at the other side.

"Home. We're going to my home," I responded.

"It's safe there?" he appeared sceptical, but took my hand when I held it out, the bloody ragged ribbon still wrapped around my fingers and clasped between us.

I smiled at him, weak but sure, "My home is the safest place I know."

Then we turned in the opposite direction to the path Hiroshi had taken, and we ran.

* * *

 _*Subaru wants big boom is a Myth Busters quote/meme_

 _Not sure if I should apologise or not for this chapter. Especially when I don't know when the next one will be ready._

 _I wasn't actually going to have Sona blow up the building with people inside. Nor was she going to kill the medical team. She was just going to destroy the building to ensure her medical file was destroyed and any other file that might include her, to serve as a bit of catharsis, also as a diversion, and then leg it, but then I remembered her trap making conversation way back with Tenzō and realised she's been working on traps with a trap expert (perhaps not a trap master though) for months and in the rage she's in, she would therefore not miss the chance to take out as many as possible with a smaller initial explosion that made a lot of noise but less structural damage to pull people inside the building, and then a secondary explosion to kill everyone who'd approached to sort out and help the situation. The medical team because they were a liability with what they knew about Sonaru's biology._

 _How did you find it?_

 _Which part of the chapter did you find most engaging? Any particular reason why?_

 _What did you think Kuchisake's reasons for killing Nagao were? Was it her mad method of trying to prevent Sona from being killed alongside all the other kids? Was it just so she could have more time with Sona to fulfil her sick fantasies?_

 _Were you surprised by Hiroshi's actions? What do you think about him as a character or as a creation?_

 _What do you think Scarred'n'Scowly will feel about Sonaru now that he's seen what sort of brutality she is capable of and yet has also seen what she saved him from?_

 _How easy/difficult do you think their escape will continue be?_

 _Perhaps Kakashi is right around the corner, or perhaps they will have to fend for themselves a little more before the reunion._


End file.
